[Transcript of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" episode Teacher's Pet at buffyology.com.]
In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer.
A girl is screaming. A vampire is advancing on BUFFY as she backs into a support column. She throws a solid right to his face followed by a left. The vampire isn't even fazed. He grabs her and throws her onto a pool table, then leans over her, fangs descending to her neck. XANDER grabs the vampire from behind, grabs him by the shoulders, and pulls him off of Buffy.
May I cut in?
He bashes the vampire's head into the pool table, turns him around and punches him in the gut and the face. The vampire falls to the floor, unconscious. Buffy is impressed and gives him a big smile. Xander offers her his hand to help her off of the pool table.
You all right?
Thanks to you!
She slides off of the table and notices Xander's hand.
You hurt your hand! Will you still be able to--
--finish my solo and kiss you like you've never been kissed before?
He gives her a wink and starts back toward the stage. The vampire leaps up and snarls at Buffy. Xander breaks the leg off of an overturned chair and whips the makeshift stake at the vampire, burying it his chest. Xander turns and jumps up onto stage, grabbing his guitar. Buffy looks up at him adoringly and moves to the stage as he plays.
You're drooling.
Xander looks at her, confused.
It's dark in the room because Dr. GREGORY is giving a slide show.
Xander!
He wakes up from his daydream and shakes his head. Buffy indicates the corner of her mouth.
You've got a little...
He picks up on her gesture and quickly wipes the drool off of his mouth and chin.
Their ancestors were here long before we were. Their progeny will be here long after we are gone. The simple and ubiquitous ant.
He turns off the projector, turns the lights on, and begins walking up the aisle.
Now. If you read the homework you should know the two ways that ants communicate.
He stops at Xander's lab table and leans on it to face Buffy.
Miss Summers.
Ways that ants communicate?
Mmm.
With other ants?
From the homework.
Willow tries to get Buffy's attention.
Ants are communicating...
Willow strokes Xander's back.
Touch...
Mm-hm.
And um...
She looks at Willow again. She is sniffing Xander.
B.O.?
Willow gives her a disappointed look. A GQ-type football jock named BLAYNE laughs and nods approvingly.
Thank God someone finally found the courage to mention that!
That would be touch and smell, Miss Summers. Is there anything else Miss Rosenberg would like to tell you?
Willow quickly turns away in her seat. The bell rings. Dr. Gregory moves back to the front of the class.
All right, chapters six through eight by tomorrow, people. (to Buffy) Can I see you for a moment?
After the other students leave, Buffy waits expectantly while Dr. Gregory idly reviews his slides.
I gather you had a few problems at your last school?
Well, what teenager doesn't?
Cut school, get in fights, burn down the gymnasium... Principal Flutie showed me your permanent record.
Well, that fire, I mean, there was major extenuating circumstances. Actually, it's kinda funny!
Can't wait to see what you're going to do here.
Destructo Girl. That's me.
But I suspect it's going to be great.
You mean 'great' in a bad way?
You have a first-rate mind and you can think on your feet. Imagine what you could accomplish if you actually did the--
--the homework thing.
The homework thing. I understand you probably have a good excuse for not doing it. Amazingly enough, I don't care. I know you can excel in this class and so I expect no less. Is that clear?
Yes. Sorry.
Don't be sorry, be smart. And please don't listen to the principal or anyone else's negative opinion about you. Let's make 'em eat that permanent record. What do you say?
He looks up at Buffy and gives her a little smile. She smiles back.
Okay. Thanks.
He nods his head. She grabs her bag.
Chapters six through eight!
Buffy looks back at him with a smile and leaves the classroom. Dr. Gregory puts a slide down, goes over to turn off the lights and comes back to his slide-viewing plate. While he concentrates on the slides, the closet door opens.
POV: Dr. Gregory from the closet. The camera advances on him as he concentrates on the slides.
Behind him. A large, green serrated claw emerges from the closet and encircles his neck. Dr. Gregory spins around and looks behind him, screaming in terror at what he sees. The insect-like claw drags him off of his chair, kicking. His glasses hit the floor and break and an instant later so does he.
Opening credit sequence.
The Bronze. The live band is playing. Xander dances lamely through the crowd and approaches the bar where Blayne and his friend are sitting.
Seven, including Cheryl. I'll tell you, though, her sister was lookin' to make it eight!
Oh, Cheryl's sister? The one in college?
Home for the holidays and lookin' for love. She's not my type, though. Girls really gotta have something to go with me.
Something like a lobotomy?
The two boys look at him.
Xander. How many times you score?
Well, uh...
It's just a question.
Are we talking today or the whole week?
The two boys snicker. Xander spots Buffy and Willow coming down the stairs.
Duty calls!
He leaves the bar and approaches the girls as Blayne and his friend look on.
Babes!
The girls stare at him, fascinated. He comes up to them with his arms open and grabs them both around the shoulders.
What are you doing?
Work with me here. Blayne had the nerve to question my manliness. I'm just gonna give him a visual.
Willow throws her arms around him.
We'll show him!
Xander looks back at Blayne and gives him a thumbs up. The two boys seem impressed.
I don't believe it.
I know, and after all my conquests.
Buffy sees ANGEL and walks over to him.
Who's that?
That must be Angel. I think.
That weird guy that warned her about all the vampires?
That's him, I'll bet you.
Well, he's buff. She never said anything about him being buff!
You think he's buff?
He's a very attractive man. How come that never came up?
Angel and Buffy.
Well, look who's here.
Hi.
I'd say it's nice to see you, but then we both know that's a big fib.
I won't be long.
No, you'll just give me a cryptic warning about some exciting new catastrophe, and then disappear into the night. Right?
You're cold.
You can take it.
He takes off his coat.
I mean you look cold.
He drapes his jacket around her shoulders.
Willow and Xander.
Oh, right! Give her your jacket. It's a balmy night, no one needs to be trading clothing out there.
Buffy and Angel.
A little big on me. (she notices a series of cuts on Angel's arm) What happened?
I didn't pay attention.
To somebody with a big fork?
He's coming.
The Fork Guy?
Don't let him corner you. Don't give him a moment's mercy. He'll rip your throat out.
Okay, I'll give you improved marks for that one. Ripping a throat out-- it's a strong visual, it's not cryptic.
I have to go.
Angel abruptly turns and exits.
Sweet dreams to you, too.
Buffy and GILES are walking in front of the school.
That's all he said? Fork Guy?
That's all Cryptic Guy said: Fork Guy.
I think there are too many guys in your life.
They meet Willow sitting on a bench.
I'll see what I can find out. (looking up at the sky) God, every day here is the same.
Bright, sunny, beautiful, how ever can we escape this torment?
Really.
Buffy puts down her bag and sits next to Willow. Xander walks up as Giles turns to leave.
Good morning.
Mornin'. (to the girls) Guess what I just heard in the office? No Dr. Gregory today. Ergo, those of us who blew off our science homework aren't as dumb as we look.
He reaches down and flips Willow's book closed.
What happened? Is he sick?
They didn't say anything about sick, something about missing.
He's missing?
Well, let me think. The cheerleaders were modeling their new short skirts, that kinda got... yeah! Yeah, they said missing.
Willow and Buffy exchange a look.
Which is bad?
If something's wrong, yeah!
He's one of the only teachers that doesn't think Buffy's a felon.
I'm really sorry, I'm sure he'll...
He trails off as he sees NATALIE FRENCH walking toward them. She's a drop- dead gorgeous woman, mid-20's, wearing a blouse and skirt combination that showcases her phenomenal legs.
The girls look to see what's distracting him. Slow motion shot of Natalie walking. She walks right up to Xander, who just stares at her.
Could you help me?
Uhh... yes!
Willow and Buffy give each other amused looks.
I'm looking for Science 109.
Oh! It's, um...
He looks around himself, trying to remember the way. He turns back to Natalie.
I go there every day.
Natalie laughs.
Oh, God, where is it?
Willow and Buffy just shrug. Blayne appears behind Natalie and introduces himself.
Hi! Blayne Mall. I'm going there right now. It's not far from the varsity field where I took All-City last year.
Oh, thank you, Blayne.
She and Blayne leave.
It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.
Natalie is writing her name on the board. Buffy, Willow and Xander walk in. Buffy spots Dr. Gregory's glasses on the floor and picks them up.
What's wrong?
Dr. Gregory dropped his glasses. Why wouldn't he pick them up?
She sets the glasses on the lab table and gives Natalie a glance as she walks to her stool. Natalie faces the class.
My name is Natalie French, and I will be substituting for Dr. Gregory.
Do you know when he's coming back?
No, I don't, um, (checking her roster) Buffy. They just call and tell me where they want me.
I'll tell you where I want you.
Excuse me, Blayne?
I was just wondering if you were going to pick up where Dr. Gregory left off.
Yes. His notes tell me you were right in the middle of insect life.
She presents the class with a mantis mounted in a clear plastic box.
The praying mantis is a fascinating creature, forced to live alone. Who can tell me why? Buffy?
Well, the words 'bug-ugly' kinda spring to mind.
There's lots of muffled laughter.
There is nothing ugly about these unique creatures. The reason they live alone is because they're cannibals.
Everyone in class looks disgusted.
Oh, well, it's hardly their fault. It's the way nature designed them: noble, solitary and prolific. Over 1800 species worldwide, and in nearly all of them the female is larger and more aggressive than the male.
Nothing wrong with an aggressive female.
Buffy angles her head and gives him a withering look.
The California Mantis lays her eggs and then finds a mate...
She looks pointedly at Xander. He looks back nervously.
...to fertilize them. Once he's played his part, she covers the eggs in a protective sack and attaches it to a leaf or twig out of danger. Now, if she's done her job correctly, in a few months she'll have several hundred offspring. You know, we should make some model egg sacks for the science fair. Who would like to help me do that after school?
All the boys raise their hands.
Good!
Buffy, Willow and Xander are in line.
Hot dog surprise. Be still, my heart.
Call me old-fashioned, I don't want any more surprises in my hot dogs.
I wonder what she sees in me? It's probably the quiet good looks coupled with a certain smoky magnetism.
Willow and Buffy try to stifle their laughter.
You two're probably a little young to understand what an older woman would see in a younger man.
Oh, I understand.
Good!
The younger man is too dumb to wonder why an older woman can't find someone her own age, and too desperate to care about the surgical improvements.
What surgical improvements?
Well, he is young.
And so terribly innocent.
Hey, those that can, do. Those that can't laugh at those who... can do.
Blayne moves up next to Xander, dumping huge amounts of food on his plate.
Gotta carb up for my one-on-one with Miss French today. When's yours? Oh, right, tomorrow. You came in second, I came in first. Guess that's what they call natural selection.
Guess it's what they call a rehearsal! (off the girls' look) Rehearsal...
Buffy shakes her head and walks with her food toward the tables. Cordelia comes in through the exit and bumps into her.
Excuse you!
She walks behind the counter, showing a piece of paper to the cafeteria workers.
Medically prescribed lunch. My doctor ships it daily. I'll only be here as long as I can hold my breath.
She opens a refrigerator and screams. Inside is a headless body. Buffy and Willow run over to see what the commotion is about. Cordelia backs away from the fridge.
His head! His head! Oh, my God, where's his head?
Buffy and Willow arrive and see what's inside. Buffy stares in disbelief. The name on the body's lab coat is 'Dr. Gregory'.
Giles pours a glass of water. He brings it over to Buffy, who is sitting on the steps with Willow. Both girls are deeply saddened. Buffy has been crying.
Here. Drink this.
No, thank you.
I've never seen... I mean, I've never seen anything like... That was new.
Who would wanna hurt Dr. Gregory?
He didn't have any enemies on the staff that I'm aware of. He was a civilized man. I liked him.
So did I.
Well, we're gonna find out who did this. We'll find them and we'll stop them.
Count on it.
What do we know?
Oh, not a lot. He was killed here on campus. I'm guessing the last day we saw him.
How do you work that out?
He didn't change his clothing.
This is a question that no one particularly wants to hear, but... where did they put his head?
Good point. I didn't wanna hear that.
Angel! He warned me that something was coming.
Yes. Yes he did, didn't he? I wish I knew what he meant. I've been trying to gather more information about the Master, our local vampire king. There was one oblique reference to a vampire who displeased the Master and he cut his hand off in penance.
Cut off his hand and replaced it with a fork?
I don't know what he replaced it with.
So why would he come after a teacher?
I'm not certain he did. There was an incident two nights ago...
He walks over to the counter, picks up a newspaper and returns with it.
Involving a homeless person in Weatherly Park. He was practically shredded, but nothing like Dr. Gregory.
Fork Guy doesn't do heads.
Not historically.
And Dr. Gregory's blood wasn't drained.
So there's something else out there? Besides Silverware Man? Oh, this is fun. We're on Monster Island.
We're on a Hellmouth. It's a center of mystical convergence. Guess it's the same thing.
Well, unpleasant things do gravitate here, it's true, but we don't know there's anything besides this chap. He's still our likely suspect.
Where was that guy killed? Weatherly Park?
Buffy, I know you're upset, but this is no time to go hunting. Not until we know more. Please promise me you won't do anything rash.
Cross my heart.
Buffy climbs the fence and walks through the park, looking carefully around. A BUM shuffles up to her.
Shouldn't be out here at night, little lady. Dangerous.
The bum staggers off, but she notices another bum on the ground in front of a bench, and checks him out. He's okay, just asleep. Buffy continues stalking. Dogs bark in the distance. Buffy finds some shrubbery covering a sewer access hole. As she moves it aside, a vampire with a huge claw in place of his right hand jumps out at her. Without hesitation, she delivers a series of powerful blows to the vampire's body, sending him reeling. Buffy turns as she hears voices and shouting. People with flashlights come running over the hill.
Hold it! Police! Did you see that? I got nothing here!
Buffy looks back and forth between the vampire and the posse, but the vampire makes her decision easy by running off.
I heard it. Spread out. Let's go over here. This way, this way. All right...
Buffy runs off after the vampire.
Natalie is walking home on the other side of the fence with grocery bags in her arms. The vampire sees her, and marking her as an easy victim, begins to stalk her, climbing quietly over the fence. Buffy comes running up, but hesitates before she's seen by either Natalie or the vampire.
The vampire drops down behind Natalie as Buffy reaches the fence and watches. Natalie senses the vampire, stops and turns to face him. The vampire cowers and hisses, then runs away in fear. Buffy can't believe what she's seeing. The vampire crosses the street, lifts a manhole cover and disappears into the sewers. Unfazed, Natalie calmly continues her walk home, leaving Buffy to stare after her in amazement.
Buffy is there and Giles looks displeased with her.
You went hunting last night.
Yes.
When you assured me you wouldn't?
Yes, I lied, I'm a bad person. Let's move on.
Did you see someone with a fork?
More like a jumbo claw.
Oh. Well at least you're not hurt.
And I saw something else. Something much more interesting than your average run-of-the-mill killer vampire.
Oh?
Do you know Miss French, the teacher that's subbing for Dr. Gregory?
Yes. Yes, she's lovely. In a common, extremely well- proportioned way.
Well, I'm chasing Claw Guy last night and Miss Well- Proportioned is heading home. The Claw Guy takes one look at her and runs screaming for cover.
He what? Ran away?
He was petrified.
Of Miss French?
Uh, huh. So I'm an undead monster that can shave with my hand... how many things am I afraid of?
Not many. And not substitute teachers, as a rule.
So what's her deal?
I think perhaps it would be a good idea if we kept an eye on her.
Then I better get to class.
She turns and leaves the office.
Buffy is rushing down the stairs, but she is stopped in her tracks by PRINCIPAL FLUTIE.
You were there. You saw Dr. Gregory, didn't you?
You mean yesterday in the cafeteria when we found him--
Don't say dead! Or decapitated, or decomposing, I'd stay away from D-words altogether. But you witnessed the event, so this way, please
He takes her by the arm and starts to lead her down the hall.
Well, no, I'm gonna be late for biology...
Extremely late! You have to see a counselor. Everyone who saw the body has to see a crisis counselor.
But I really don't need--
We all need help with our feelings. Otherwise we bottle them up and before you know it, powerful laxatives are involved. I really believe if we all reach out to one another we can beat this thing. I'm always here if you need a hug, but not a real hug! Because there's no touching. This school is sensitive to wrong touching.
But, I really, really don't--
No, you have to talk to a counselor and start the healing. You have to heal.
But Mr. Flutie, I--
Heal!
He sits her down in a chair outside of the counselor's office and stalks off. Buffy leans back in the chair and looks bummed. Then she realizes she can hear Cordelia inside the office.
I don't know what to say, it was really, I mean, one minute you're in your normal life, and then who's in the fridge? It really gets to you, a thing like that.
Cordelia is running on and on while the counselor listens in stunned amazement.
It was... let's just say I haven't been able to eat a thing since yesterday. I think I lost, like, seven and a half ounces. Way swifter than that so-called diet that quack put me on. Oh, I'm not saying that we should kill a teacher every day just so I can lose weight, I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side. You know?
What Buffy is hearing is just too weird.
Like, how even used Mercedes still have leather seats!
Natalie is giving a pop quiz, walking up and down the aisles.
Keep your eyes straight ahead on your own test.
She moves behind Xander.
I think you meant 'pollination' for number fourteen. (she touches his shoulder) I'll see you here after school.
Buffy comes running to class and looks in through the window.
Oh, great, a pop quiz.
Natalie suddenly straightens up as Buffy looks in. Natalie's head turns toward Buffy. However, instead of stopping, her head keeps turning in a full 180¡- rotation, so that her face is over her shoulder blades. Buffy's eyes go wide with amazement and she quickly rolls away from the window.
Buffy and Willow walk in, talking animatedly.
No, I'm not saying she craned her neck. We are talking full on Exorcist twist.
Ouch!
Which reminds me, how come Blayne, who worked with her one- on-one yesterday, isn't here today?
Inquiring minds wanna know.
Any luck?
Willow sits down in front of the PC and begins a search.
I've not found any creature as yet that strikes terror in a vampire's heart.
Try looking under things that can turn their heads all the way around.
Nothing human can do that.
No, nothing human. There are some insects that can. Whatever she is, I'm gonna be ready for her.
She turns and hops up the stairs to the stacks. Giles takes off his glasses.
What are you going to do?
My homework.
She continues up into the stacks but then comes running back down again.
Where are the books on bugs?
Natalie is at her desk spreading butter on a slice of bread. She's about to open a plastic container when she hears Xander come in and looks up.
Hi!
Oh, hi! I was just grabbing a snack. Can I fix you something?
No thanks, I never eat when I'm making egg sacks. (sees the model) Wow, if this were real the bugs would be...
...as big as you!
Yeah. So where do we start?
Oh, Xander, I've done something really stupid. I hope you can forgive me.
Oh, forgiveness is my middle name. Well, actually it's LaVelle, and I'd appreciate it if you guard that secret with your life.
I have a teacher's conference in half an hour, and I left the paint and papiêr-maché at home. I don't suppose you'd like to come to my place tonight to work on it there?
Come to, uh... your place?
He flashes to his guitar solo for a moment.
Seven-thirty? Here's my address.
Xander can't believe his luck.
I'll see you tonight?
Yeah!
Xander exits the classroom, pumping his arms in the air.
Oh, yes!
Natalie opens the container now. It's full of crickets. She dumps them onto the buttered bread, folds the slice in half and takes a bite. She smiles with satisfaction as the insects crunch between her teeth.
Buffy emerges from the stacks with a book.
Dig this: 'The praying mantis can rotate its head 180 degrees while waiting for its next meal to walk by.' (slams the book shut) Ha! (off their silence) Well, c'mon, guys. Ha!
Well, Miss French is sort of big... for a bug.
And she is, by and large, woman-shaped.
Okay. Factoid 1: Only the praying mantis can rotate its head like that. Factoid 2: A pretty whacked-out vampire is scared to death of her. Factoid 3: Her fashion sense screams predator.
It's the shoulder pads.
Exactly.
If you're right, then she'd have to be a shape shifter or a perception distorter. On a helpful note, I had a chum at Oxford-- Carlyle-- advanced degrees in entomology mythology.
Entomawho?
Bugs and fairy tales.
I knew that.
If I recall correctly, poor old Carlyle, just before he went mad, claimed there was some beast--
Willow's computer beeps.
Buffy, 911! Blayne's mom called the school. He never came home last night.
The boy who worked with Miss French yesterday?
Yeah! If Miss French is responsible for... Xander's supposed to be helping her right now. He's got a crush on a giant insect!
Okay, don't panic, I'll warn him. But I need you to hack onto the coroner's office for me.
Well, what are we looking for?
Autopsy on Dr. Gregory. I've been trying to figure out these marks that I saw on his corpse. I'm thinking they were teeth. And these cuddlies? (points to a picture of a mantis) Should definitely be brushing after every meal. (to Giles) And you were saying something about a beast?
Oh, yes. I just need to make one transatlantic telephone call. This computer invasion that Willow's performing on the coroner's office, one assumes it is entirely legal?
Willow and Buffy answer simultaneously.
Entirely!
Of course!
Right. Wasn't here, didn't see it, couldn't have stopped you.
Good idea.
Buffy catches up with Xander.
Hey!
Hey!
So, how'd it go with Miss French?
Well, it's a bit demanding being her absolute favorite guy in the universe, but I'll muddle through.
Xander, she's not what she seems.
I know, she's so much more.
Okay, I'm gonna have to tell you something about her and I'm gonna need you to really listen, okay?
Okay.
I don't think she's human.
I see. So if she's not human she's...
Technically? A big bug.
Xander laughs, dismissing her.
This sounds really weird, I'm aware of that...
It doesn't sound weird at all, I completely understand. I've met someone and you're jealous.
What?
Look, there's nothing I can do about it. There's just this certain chemical thing between Miss French and me.
I know, I read all about it. It's called a pheromone. It's a chemical attractant that insects give off.
She's not an insect! She's a woman, okay? And hard as that may be for you to conceive, an actual woman finds me attractive. I realize it's no mystery guy handing out leather jackets. And while we're on the subject, what kind of a girlie name is 'Angel' anyway?
What does that have to do with--
Nothing! It just kinda bugs me. Look, I really gotta.
He walks off. Buffy watches him go, stunned into silence by his behavior.
Wha...?
She pours two martinis. Her dress reveals a good deal of cleavage. The doorbell rings. She smiles and goes to open it.
Hi! Come on in.
Xander stares at her breasts as he walks in.
Should I change? Is, is this too...
No, no, it's, the most beautiful chest... dress I've ever seen.
She smiles and walks back into the living room. Xander follows.
Thank you. That's sweet. Martini? Oh, I'm sorry, would you like something else?
Xander quickly accepts the drink.
I just need to relax a little, I'm kinda nervous around you. You're probably cool as a cucumber.
I like cucumbers. Like in that Greek salad thing with the yogurt. Do you like Greek food? I'm exempting schwarma, of course, I mean, what's that all about? It's a big meat hive.
They laugh, he nervously, she playfully. Xander gulps the martini and his eyes widen as the alcohol hits him.
Hello!
Natalie raises her glass in a toast and they clink glasses.
Cheers! Can I ask you a personal question?
She moves closer to Xander.
Have you ever been with a woman before?
You mean, like, in the same room?
You know what I mean.
Oh, that, uh... well, let me think. Um...
Natalie runs her fingers though his hair and around his ear.
Yeah, there was, uh... several.
She continues her down to Xander's chin.
I mean, and, uh, quite a few times... And then there was, uh... Oh, she was incredibly... (sheepishly) No. Uh-uh.
I know. I can tell.
You can?
Oh, I like it. You might say, I... need it.
Oh! Well, needs should y'know... Needs should definitely be met, as long as it doesn't require ointments the next day, or...
Xander hesitates at the sound of muffled screaming coming from somewhere nearby.
Do you hear...
No.
Sounds like someone crying.
I don't hear anything. (takes his hand) Your hands are so hot!
Xander flashes to his dream.
Oh, you hurt your hand!
Xander comes back to reality. The drink is beginning to affect him. He leans back on the couch.
Buffy. I love Buffy. Wow! So that's a martini, huh?
Mm-hm.
Do you hear--
Would you like to touch me with those hands?
Your hands are ... really...
Her hands morph into long jagged claws.
Serrated! Oh, wow, that martini, I... I really think I have to...
Xander falls to the floor unconscious. Two huge mantis claws drag him away by the feet.
Xander is lying unconscious in a cage. We hear unpleasant squishing noises. Xander wakes up, looks around, grabs the bars and pulls himself up. Across the room, he sees a giant praying mantis preparing her nest.
Miss... French?
MANTIS/NATALIE
Please, call me Natalie.
Xander backs away, terrified.
Giles is on the phone.
Frankly, madam, I haven't the faintest idea what time it is, nor do I care. Now, unlock his cell, unstrap him and bring him to the telephone immediately. This is a matter of life and death!
Willow typing is typing feverishly on the computer.
Got it! Coroner's report, complete with... yuk! ...color pictures.
There are teeth marks. Which match perfectly the one insect that nips off its prey's head.
Okay, I don't like this.
It's the way they feed, head first. It's also the way they mate. The female bites off the male's head while they're--
No, no, no! See? Xander's... I like his head! It's where you find his eyes, and his hair, and his adorable smile.
Hey, hey, take it easy, Willow. Xander is not in any immediate danger. I saw him leave school. He's probably safe at home right now.
Xander backs further into the cage and is surprised to find Blayne when he reaches the far corner.
Blayne!
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Are you all right?
Oh, God! You gotta get me outta here! You gotta! She gets you, and, uh...
What?
She, she...
What does she do?
Oh, God! Oh, oh, no!
Blayne! What does she do?
She takes you outta the cage and she ties you up, and, and... she... she starts movin', and throbbin' and these eggs come shootin' out of her! And then...
What?
And then...
Then what?
She mates with you! And that's not the worst part.
That's not?
You seen her teeth? Right-- while she's, you know, right in the middle of... I saw her do it! I don't wanna die like that!
Blayne, chill! It's okay. It's gonna be okay. We'll get outta this.
You got a plan? What is it?
Just, uh, let me perfect it.
Oh, God... Oh, God... Oh, God...
Giles is talking with Carlyle on the phone in his office.
I understand, Carlyle. Yes, I'll take every precaution. Absolutely, it sounds exactly like the creature you described. You were right all along about everything. Well, no, you weren't right about your mother coming back as a Pekinese, but... try to rest, old man. Bye now.
He hangs up and comes out of his office. Willow and Buffy are at the computer.
Dr. Ferris Carlyle spent years transcribing a lost pre-Germanic language. What he discovered he kept to himself until several teenage boys were murdered in the Cotswolds. Then he went hunting for it.
It being?
He calls her a She-Mantis. This type of creature, the Kleptes- Virgo, or virgin-thief, appears in many cultures. The Greek sirens, the Celtic sea maidens, who tore the living flesh from the bones of--
Giles, while we're young.
Well, basically the She-Mantis assumes the form of a beautiful woman and then lures innocent virgins back to her nest.
Virgins? Well, Xander's not a, uh... I mean, he's probably--
--gonna die!
Okay, so this thing is breeding and we need to find it and snuff it. Any tips on the snuffing part?
Carlyle recommends cleaving all body parts with a sharp blade.
Willow is on the phone in the background talking to Xander's mom.
Slice and dice.
Well whatever you do, it had better be certain and swift. This beast is extremely dangerous.
Your buddy Carlyle faced it and he's still around.
Yes, in a straitjacket, howling his innards out day and night.
Okay, Admiral, way to inspire the troops!
Sorry...
Xander's not home. He told his mom he was going to his teacher's house to work on a science project. He didn't tell her where.
See if you can get her address off the substitute rolls. (to Giles) And you need to record bat sonar and fast!
Bat sonar, right. What?
Bats eat them. The mantis hears sonar, its entire nervous system goes kaplooey.
Where am I going to find the--
In the vid library? There're no books, but it's dark and musty. You'll feel right at home, go! (to herself) I guess I'll handle the armory.
Xander and Blayne are in the cage, separated by an interior mesh of bars. Xander is working on one of the bars.
Don't do anything to make her mad!
Xander pulls the bar out.
Hey, all right, now I can get outta my cage... and into yours. What'd you do that for?
A weapon!
Blayne looks up and sees the mantis scuttling toward them.
I think you're gonna need it.
Xander looks up, startled, and drops the bar.
Miss French's record is rolling out of the printer. Buffy walks through the door.
Getting the address.
Great! Giles?
He holds up a tape recorder.
Recording bat sonar is something soothingly akin to having one's teeth drilled.
Let's roll.
They all head for the door.
According to Miss French's personnel records, she was born in 1907. She's, like, 90 years old!
And extremely well preserved.
She is looking back and forth between the boys, her insect eyes sizing them up.
Oh, God! He did that. He broke the cage. Take him, not me, take him!
Giles, Buffy and Willow pull up. They get out and run up to the door.
What now, exactly? We can't just kick the door down.
Yeah, that would be wrong.
She gets ready to kick, but the door opens. An old lady, presumably MISS FRENCH, is standing there.
Hello, dear. I thought I heard... are you selling something? Because I'd like to help you out, but you see, I'm on a fixed income.
I'm looking for Miss French.
I'm Miss French.
Natalie French, the substitute biology teacher?
Goodness, that's me! I taught for over thirty years. I retired in 1972.
I can't believe this! She used Miss French's records to get into the school. She could be anywhere.
No, dear! I'm right here.
Xander is watching with fear as the mantis' head swivels back and forth between the two boys.
What's she doing?
I think it's eeny, meeny, miney...
Moe?
CU on Xander's terrified face.
She opens the door to the cage. Xander crawls out on his butt, bar in hand.
I'm comin', I'm comin'.
When he's just out of the cage he swings the bar and hits Natalie squarely with a powerful blow. She staggers and he runs for the stairs. However, he only makes it halfway up before Natalie trips him with her claw and he tumbles back down.
Giles, Willow and Buffy are going back to the car.
What do we do now?
Abject prayer and supplication would spring to mind.
I saw her walking past this park with her grocery bags. She lives in this neighborhood.
I'm gonna start banging on doors.
Wait, no, we do not have time for that!
We have to do something!
We will.
The manhole cover where Buffy saw the clawed vampire disappear. Buffy lifts it off and starts to climb in.
I won't be long.
Wha... Buffy?
Xander is tied up with leather straps. Natalie is right up in his face.
Oh, yeah, here it comes!
What? What's happening?
How do you like your eggs, bro? Over easy or sunny side up?
Eggs? She's gonna lay some...
He looks down with horror as a cluster of eggs emerges from the mantis' body. He flashes to Natalie's lecture in science class.
The California Mantis lays her eggs and then finds a mate to fertilize them.
Come on, Buffy!
Some nearby bushes. There are sounds of a scuffle. Buffy pushes CLAW GUY out of the bushes. His arms are tied behind his back.
You!
Me!
She shoves him down the street.
Buffy is pushing Claw Guy down the sidewalk in front of her. Giles and Willow follow.
Come on, where is she? Which house is it? I know you're afraid of her, I saw you!
Claw Guy begins to react to Natalie's presence, shrinking back, cowering in fear.
Come on. What? What is it? This is her, isn't it? This is her house. (to Giles) Better than radar.
She lets go of him. Claw Guy slices through the ropes with his blades.
Buffy!
He swings at Buffy, but she ducks in time, only to trip and fall backward over the miniature picket fence surrounding the house's front yard. Claw Guy leaps after her and she crawls backward on her butt until she runs up against the fence on the other side of the lawn. She rips a picket from the fence and runs it through Claw
Guy's chest just as he takes another swing at her. He falls over dead, then disintegrates into ash.
Natalie advances on Xander, claws clicking, antennae twitching.
Kiss me!
Can I just say one thing? Help! Help!
Suddenly the basement window shatters and crashed inward. Then, quicker than a cat, Buffy slides in.
Uh, hey, over here. Hello! In the cage!
She pulls her bag though the window.
Let him go!
She runs down the basement stairs and sets the bag down. Willow climbs in the window, too. Buffy pulls two cans of Raid insect spray from the bag and sprays Natalie in the face as Giles climbs in the window and Willow runs behind Buffy to open the cage. The spray disorients Natalie. Giles runs down the stairs and moves to help Xander.
Help me! Help me!
Get them outta here!
She pulls the tape recorder and a machete from her bag.
Giles undoes the leather straps holding Xander as Natalie retreats, hissing and spitting, to the back of her nest. Buffy starts to close in on her.
Remember Dr. Gregory? You scarfed his head? Yeah, well, he taught me, you do your homework, you learn stuff. Like what happens to your nervous system when you hear this!
She hits 'play' on the tape recorder. It's Giles' voice. Buffy stares at the machine in disbelief.
...extremely important to file not simply alphabetically...
Giles!
It's on the wrong side!
The mantis recovers and knocks the tape recorder and machete from Buffy's hands. Giles watches the recorder fly over him, hit the ground and slide under a refrigerator. He scrambles to get it.
Buffy turns her attention back to Natalie as the insect takes a swipe at her with a razor-sharp claw. Xander charges with the Raid and sprays it into Natalie's face. The mantis charges Xander and Buffy shoves him out of her way only to be knocked from her feet by the insect's momentum. Giles is searching for the tape recorder under the refrigerator as Buffy kicks and punches Natalie, keeping her at bay. Buffy spots the machete on the floor and grabs it just as Giles scoops the recorder out from beneath the refrigerator. He flips the tape over and hits the 'play' button. A ultra-high-pitched keening fills the basement, making everyone wince with pain. But the mantis does more than wince; she begins to flail around, jerking spasmodically, her nervous system firing out of control.
Bat sonar. Makes your whole nervous system go to hell. You can go there with it.
She raises the machete over her head and brings it down... again... and again... until the insect is nothing but small pieces on the floor of the basement. Winded from the exertion, Buffy turns to Giles and Willow and Xander. Together with Blayne, the group stands and wonders at the carnage.
Well, I... I'd say it's deceased.
And dissected.
You okay?
Yeah.
Just for the record, you were right, I'm an idiot and God bless you!
Buffy lowers her head.
And thank you guys, too.
Yeah, really!
Pleasure...
I'm really glad you're okay. It's so unfair how she only went after virgins.
Xander laughs and looks back and forth between the girls. Then he realizes she is serious.
What?
I mean, here you guys are, doing the right thing, the smart thing, when a lot of other boys your age...
Flag down on that play, babe. I am not--
Well, you see, that's the She-Mantis' modus operandi. She only preys on the pure.
Well, isn't this a perfect ending to a wonderful day!
My dad's a lawyer. Anyone repeats this to anybody, they're gonna find themselves facing a lawsuit.
Blayne, shut up!
I don't think it's bad, I think it's really...
Xander holds up the machete.
...sweet! It's certainly nothing I'll ever bring up again.
Xander takes the machete over to Natalie's nest, looks it over and starts hacking away at it.
Buffy is at the bar wearing Angel's jacket. Angel comes up behind her. Buffy senses him and looks up at him.
I heard a rumor there was one less vampire walking around making a nuisance of himself.
There is. Guess I should thank you for the tip.
Pleasure's mine.
Course, it would make things easier if I knew how to get in touch with you.
I'll be around.
Or who you were?
Angel just smiles enigmatically.
Well... anyway, you can have your jacket back.
It looks better on you.
He turns and walks off. Buffy stares after him as Angel gives another look back and disappears into the crowd.
Oh boy!
There's a new science TEACHER.
All midterm papers will be exactly six pages long. No more, no less. One third of your grade will be dependent...
The camera closes in on Buffy, daydreaming.
...on those papers. No more, no less.
The bell rings. Buffy comes back to earth. Everyone gets up and starts shuffling out. On her way out, Buffy sees Dr. Gregory's glasses still on the lab bench where she left them. She picks them up and holds them for a minute, remembering her teacher. Then she sees Dr. Gregory's jacket still hanging on the hook on the closet door and goes over to put the glasses in one of the pockets.
As Buffy closes the door the camera pans down from to a lower shelf and stops on a cluster of She-Mantis eggs attached out of sight underneath the shelf. One of the eggs twitches, then begins to hatch.