[Transcript of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" episode The Puppet Show at buffyology.com.]
In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer.
The high school Talent Show. EMILY is doing ballet stretching exercises. The camera shows her from a DEMON's point of view as he observes her from low to the floor.
I will be whole. I will be new.
The camera moves through the backstage area. A number of students are practicing their acts. Among them: LISA playing her tuba and MARC rehearsing his magic act. The camera eventually settles on MORGAN and his ventriloquist dummy, SID. Morgan rubs his temples a moment and then looks around, puzzled.
CORDELIA is on stage singing The Greatest Love of All and given her off-key performance, we immediately realize that singing is not one of Cordelia's strong points.
'Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all. I decided long ago...'
GILES in the seats. He aggressively does not want to be there.
Back to Cordelia.
'...never to walk in anyone's shadow. If I fail, if I succeed, at least--'
Thank you, Cordelia. That's going to be lovely.
But I didn't do the part with the sparklers!
We'll... save that for the dress rehearsal. (motions her off) Lisa... please.
Cordelia replaces the microphone on its stand and leaves the stage in a huff as Lisa sets up with her tuba. Giles rubs his eyes wearily. Buffy, Willow and Xander come down the center aisle.
If it isn't the great producer.
They seat themselves around Giles.
Had to see this to believe it.
Oh. You three.
The school talent show. How ever did you finagle such a primo assignment?
Our new Führer, Mr. Snyder.
I think they call 'em 'principals' now.
He thought it would behoove me to have more contact with the students. I did try to explain that my vocational choice of librarian was a deliberate attempt to minimize said contact, but he would have none of it.
Giles, unto every generation is born one who must run the annual talentless show. You cannot escape your destiny.
If you had any shred of decency, you would have participated or at least helped.
Nah, I think I'll take on your traditional role... and watch.
And mock.
And laugh.
Giles looks ready to commit homicide.
O-kay. I think maybe we better leave our Mr. Giles to this business he calls a show.
The three of them get up and start back their way toward the rear of the auditorium. Principal SNYDER is waiting there for them. This is our first encounter with Sunnydale High's new principal. He's a short, unpleasant, rat-like man, balding with a barely restrained belligerence toward the students and faculty.
Principal Snyder!
So. We think school events are stupid and we think authority figures are to be made fun of?
No! No, we don't. Unless you do?
And we think our afternoon classes are optional. All three of you left campus yesterday.
Yeah, but we were fighting a demon.
Fighting?
Not fighting.
No, we left to avoid fighting.
Real anti-social types. You need to integrate into this school, people. I think I just found three eager new participants for the talent show.
What?
No!
Please?
I've been watching you three... always getting into one scrape or another.
Well, we're really, really sorry, but about the talent show, pleeease, you can't make us--
My predecessor, Mr. Flutie, may have gone in for all that touchy-feely relating nonsense but he was eaten. You're in my world now. And Sunnydale has touched and felt for the last time.
He starts past them down toward the stage.
Can I just mention that detention is a time-honored form of punishment?
Buffy nods vigorously in agreement.
I know the three of you will come up with a wonderful act for the school to watch. And mock. And laugh at.
No!
Buffy moans and walks back to Giles' row. She sits next to him and looks to him for sympathy. He's having none of it and tries to hide a smirk. The tuba solo is over and Willow just stands there with a big frown on her face.
Thank you!
The next act begins setting up: Morgan with his dummy, Sid.
Ewww, dummy!
Xander spots a mime among the assembled students in the auditorium.
Yow! Mime!
I think dummies are cute. You don't?
Nope. They give me the wig. Ever since I was little.
What happened?
I saw a dummy. It gave me the wig. There really wasn't a story there.
Hi. I'm Morgan. (as Sid) And I'm Sid!
He turns out to be an awful ventriloquist and Giles winces. Buffy raises her eyebrows and stares in disbelief.
Hey, Morgan, would you like to tell some jokes? (as himself) Would I! (Sid) As a matter of fact, it is! It's also a wood nose, and a wood mouth.
Morgan laughs nervously for Sid and Buffy looks imploringly at Giles.
I didn't sleep at all last night.
The witless back-and-forth banter between Morgan and the dummy suddenly stops and the dummy (apparently) begins speaking on its own, in a much different and distinct voice than Morgan's. We no longer see Morgan's lips moving and the act becomes slickly professional.
All right, time out. Let's stop this before someone gets hurt. (to Morgan) Kid, you are the worst. Even I can see your lips move.
Buffy starts to giggle. Giles looks up again, intrigued now that he sees he may have at least one good act.
C'mon, Sid. You're spoiling my act. I worked on these jokes for weeks.
You call those jokes? My jockey shorts are made out of better material.
A few students, who have gathered at the edge of the stage to watch Morgan's act, laugh heartily.
And they're edible!
More laughs from the students. Buffy, Willow and Xander are into it now, too.
There, you see? I'm sure you three can come up with something... equally exciting.
Sid smiles.
Emily is changing back into her regular clothes. She puts her ballet outfit and shoes into her locker and closes it. As she turns to go, she hears a stealthy noise.
Is anybody there?
She walks to the end of the row of lockers and peeks around the corner.
Hello?
She walks around to the next row of lockers. No one's there.
Demon POV: watching her from low to the floor.
Hello?
She continues on toward the showers. The demon runs up behind her and Emily turns and screams.
I will be flesh!
Opening credit sequence.
The talent show tryouts.
I reach into the hat, and out... comes...
He lifts the hat and looks around frantically.
Has anybody seen a rabbit?
He begins to search along the floor. The camera follows Elliot as he juggles and walks past Marc toward Lisa, puffing away on her tuba. The camera pans to Xander, Willow and Buffy practicing a dramatic scene. Xander poses with his right arm in the air to begin his line.
I can't do this!
Xander, come on.
I can't. I have my pride. Okay, I don't have a lot of my pride, but I have enough so that I can't do this.
A dramatic scene is the easiest way to get through the talent show because it doesn't require an actual talent.
But we have talent. We can do stuff. Buffy...
What am I gonna do? Slay vampires on stage?
Maybe in a funny way.
Willow, you can do stuff. The piano...
You play?
A little.
Well, that's cool. You can accompany us and we can attempt to sing.
Oh, in front of other people? Then, no, I don't play.
Whatever happened to corporal punishment?
Sid whistles at the girls. Xander, Buffy and Willow look over at him and Morgan.
Mm, mm, mm. Look at the goodies!
Morgan looks embarrassed. Willow gets up and walks over to him.
Morgan, you're really getting good. Where did you come up with that voice?
It's kind of an imitation of my dad.
Sounds real.
It is real. I'm the one with the talent here. The kid's dead weight. (to Willow) How about you and I do a little rehearsin' on our own, honey?
Hey!
You know what they say: once you go wood, nothin's as good!
Okay, Morgan. We get the joke. Horny dummy, ha, ha, it's very funny, but you might want to consider getting some new schtick. Unless you want your prop ending up as a Duraflame log.
Morgan and Sid exchange a look of dismay.
Principal Snyder and Giles. They enter through the doors at the back of the auditorium. The camera slowly pans down to them as they walk down the aisle.
Kids today need discipline. That's an unpopular word these days, 'discipline'. I know Principal Flutie would have said, 'Kids need understanding. Kids are human beings.' That's the kind of woolly-headed, liberal thinking that leads to being eaten.
I think perhaps it was a little more complex than--
This place has quite a reputation. Suicide, missing persons, spontaneous cheerleader combustion... you can't put up with that. You've gotta keep an eye on the bad element.
Snyder nods up toward the stage. He indicates Buffy, Willow and Xander practicing their dramatic scene.
Like those three. Kids. I don't like them. From now on you're gonna see a very different Sunnydale High. Tight ship, clean, orderly... and quiet.
A girl's scream shatters the silence: Emily's body has been found.
The paramedics preparing the body for transport. Giles comes out of the locker room into the hall. He ducks under the yellow police tape and walks over to Buffy and the gang.
It was Emily.
Emily. Dancer Emily?
Oh, man! I hate this school.
It must have happened just after dress rehearsals. There was a cross-country meet at Melville. She never showed up for it.
Vampire?
I think not.
Giles, share! What happened?
Her heart was removed.
Yikes!
Does that mean anything to you? Besides ewww?
There are various demons which feed off human hearts, but...
They look back and see a large knife being put into an evidence bag.
But demons have claws. And teeth.
They've got no use for a big old knife.
Which more than likely makes our murderer...
Human.
Did I mention that I hate this school?
So Emily was killed by a regular human person.
The evidence certainly points that way.
No, wait. I'm not buying, you guys. Remember the Hellmouth? Mystical activity is totally rife here. This, to me, says demon.
I'd like to think you're right. A demon is a creature of evil, pure and very simple. A person driven to kill is... it's more complex.
The creep factor is also heightened. It could be anyone. It could be me! (off their look) It's not, though.
Demon or no, we have some investigating to do. I suggest we start with your... talent show compatriots. One of them may have been the last to see her alive.
Buffy interviews Lisa.
I didn't know her too well. There's that whole dancer-band rivalry, y'know?
I've heard about that.
But I did speak to her a little the day that... yesterday.
How did she seem?
Giles interviews Marc as he shuffles a deck of cards.
She was happy, I guess. She was psyched to be doing the show. She was a really good dancer. Here, pick a card.
Non-plussed, Giles reaches for a card.
No, wait. Not that one. Pick this one.
Do you remember the last time you saw her?
She was talkin' to someone.
Who?
Willow and ELLIOT enter.
That smart guy. The one with the dummy. What's his name?
Morgan?
Yeah, that's it. He was actin' kinda strange.
Strange how?
Xander talks with Cordelia during a break in cheerleader practice.
It's just such a tragedy for me. Emma was, like, my best friend.
Emily.
Resume.
Well, Morgan's just strange. He's always rubbing his head a lot and moaning. Especially the other day.
Resume.
He seemed kinda paranoid... looking around at everyone.
Resume.
And I think I saw him arguing... with his dummy.
Resume.
All I can think is, it coulda been me!
We can dream.
Buffy enters through the side door. She looks around and walks quietly over to the stage. She sees Sid on a stool, facing the curtain.
Right now you and me gotta be on the lookout. Figure out who's gonna be next.
Morgan walks onstage from the wings.
How are we supposed to... (sees Buffy) Oh, hi.
Hello.
I was just working on throwing my voice.
Morgan, did you notice anything weird going on around here yesterday?
Weird? What do you mean?
With Emily. Did she say anything to you, was she arguing with anyone?
No. She was dancing. Sid and I were talking.
He opens Sid's case and carefully places him inside.
Talking.
Rehearsing.
So, you didn't notice anything weird at...
Morgan suddenly claps his hand to his forehead as a bolt of pain forces him to his knees.
Morgan, are you okay?
Look, sweetheart, he answered your question. Now leave him alone!
Morgan's pain subsides and he looks up at Buffy.
Okay, Morgan, how about talking to me yourself now?
He said all he's gonna say.
Morgan looks nervously between Buffy and Sid and stands up.
It's okay, Sid. We're done.
I'm sorry. Look, I didn't mean to make you mad.
No! I'm... (sotto) It's him! (indicates Sid) He's... we have to go.
He grabs the case and abruptly leaves. Buffy is taken aback.
Cute couple.
Willow, Buffy and Xander arrive to compare notes.
Okay, next time we split up, someone else is on Cordy detail. Five more minutes with her and we would have had another organ donor.
I think I had a bit more luck. Everyone I talked to seemed to point their fingers at the same person.
They all head for Giles' office.
Morgan?
Morgan.
We have a winner!
I fear I was led to the same conclusion.
Well, what do we do? We don't slay him, right? We want to bring him to justice.
We could set up a complex sting operation where we get him to confess!
I should wear a wire!
Whoa, hey, you guys. All we know is that Morgan is a Grade-A Large weirdo. That doesn't lead directly to murderer.
Guy talks to his puppet.
And for his puppet.
Well, yeah, but what about the whole 'it's a demon' theory?
I'm looking into that, but my investigation is somewhat... hampered by our life in the theater.
Priority check, Giles? (weighs the two with her hands) Talent show, murder.
Yeah, we can't do the talent show. It's unthinkable. I'm not able to think it.
Principal Snyder is watching us all very closely. Now, if he chooses, he can make all our lives extremely difficult. A Slayer cannot afford that. We will find this murderer, but in the meantime... the show must go on.
This is so unfair.
Buffy, you watch Morgan. Check his locker, see if there's anything there.
Like a heart?
Or something.
All right.
Willow runs over to the computer.
I'll pull up his locker number.
Can I still wear a wire?
Buffy quietly comes through the doors from the stairwell, looking around to see if anyone's there. She passes a door. It opens, but Buffy doesn't see it, only hears the sound.
POV: a low shot of Buffy through the door. She spins around to look behind her but doesn't realize it was the door that's now ajar.
Buffy as she finds Morgan's locker and starts working the combination.
Okay, two to the left, three to the right...
The combination doesn't work for her so she looks in both directions again, and then slams her palm into the lock, leaving a clean hole where the lock used to be. She reaches in with her fingers and undoes the latch. She looks around in the locker and is about to remove Sid's case when Principal Snyder grabs her hand from behind, startling her.
Principal Snyder!
What are you doing?
Looking for something.
School hours are over. You, therefore, should be gone.
And I'm going any minute now.
There are things I will not tolerate: students loitering on campus after school, horrible murders with hearts being removed. And also smoking.
Well, I don't do any of those things. Not... ever.
There's something going on with you. I'll figure it out sooner or later. Do you need something here?
Oh, yeah. Right! A friend wanted me to get something... out of his case.
She pulls the case partially out of the locker, opens it and is surprised to find it empty. She quickly closes it and looks at Snyder.
He must've taken it and just forgotten to tell me.
Mm-hmm.
Morgan and Sid watch what's going on from behind the door.
Get along home now. It's late.
He turns and heads off down the hall. Buffy watches him go.
Sid is in the chair. Morgan paces.
No, I can't do it!
It's the only way.
I don't want--
She's the one.
But--
You saw what she did, how strong she is.
I know, but--
She's the last! Just this one more and I'll be free.
I won't.
I will!
JOYCE knocks on the door and pokes her head in.
Hi, hon. How's it going with the talent show?
It'll be over soon.
It can't be that bad! I, for one, am looking forward to seeing your act.
Seeing? In the sense of actually attending?
Of course.
Uh-uh! No, Mom, you can't. And, I mean, if I know you're out there watching, I'll freeze up, stage fright.
But I want to support what you're doing.
Look, Mom, if you really love me, and wanna show your support, you'll stay away. Far away.
Honey, is there... is there something bothering you? I mean, besides your fabulous debut.
Nothing. There's just a lot going on right now.
Well, get some sleep. You'll feel better in the morning.
Good plan.
Joyce leaves the room and closes the door behind her and Buffy gets into bed. The camera follows her hand as she reaches over to turn off her lamp in front of the window. When it goes out, Sid is there looking in.
Buffy is sleeping. She wakes to the sound of quick, furtive footsteps and sits up. More footsteps. She sees something zip under her bed and leans over the edge to look underneath. Nothing. She sits back up and Sid there on the bed next to her, leering. She screams and knocks him off of the bed. Sid runs away and Buffy tumbles out of bed as her mother rushes into the room and turns on the light.
Honey, what is it?
In the bed, in the covers there's something!
Where?
There's something there.
Joyce grabs the covers and goes through them.
Well there's nothing there now. Are, are you sure you didn't have a nightmare?
No! There's some... there is... yeah, you're probably right. I'm sorry I got you up.
Don't worry about it. I was dreaming about bills. (kisses Buffy's forehead) Sweetheart, you shouldn't go to sleep with the window open.
She touches her daughter's cheek, then leaves the room. Buffy looks at her window.
I didn't.
Marc is onstage, attempting magic once again.
And my lovely assistant steps into the box...
A blonde girl in a spangled outfit steps into a vertical coffin-like box. He closes the hinged door and spins it around.
And... behold!
He opens the box and the girl is still there.
You were supposed to leave!
The girl just shrugs. Xander and Willow are in the seats watching and laughing. Marc closes the door to the box and bangs his head against it. Giles walks out from backstage trailing Cordelia.
I don't understand why I have to follow Brett and his stupid band.
Because we have to clear their equipment before the finale. I told you.
But the mood. It'll be all wrong. My song is about dignity and human feelings and personal... hygiene or something. Anyway, it's sappy, and no one is gonna be feeling sappy after all that rock 'n roll.
Giles doesn't want to hear it. He suddenly looks askance at her.
What?
Oh, I'm sorry. Your hair...
There's something wrong with my hair?
Giles doesn't say anything but continues to stare at her hair as if it's just turned bright pink.
Ohmigod!
She turns and runs off in search of a mirror.
Xander was right. It worked like a charm.
He sees Buffy come down the aisle and intercepts her.
Hello, you look a bit worse for... what exactly are you the worse for?
Where's Morgan?
I haven't seen him.
Did he do something to you?
No, it was his... Sid, the dummy.
She suddenly has Giles' full attention.
Okay, everyone look at me like I'm in a bunny suit, 'cause that's how stupid I feel saying this. I think Sid was in my room last night.
With Morgan?
No. He was alone. And alive.
Did you see him?
Well, I saw something. It ran across my floor, under my bed and then it attacked me.
Attacked you? How?
It was like it pounced on my face.
Like a cat.
Yeah, exactly. But when I turned the lights on it was already gone. I think it went out my window.
Like a cat.
Yeah. No! It was Sid, the dummy.
Or possibly the nightmare of somebody who had... dummies on her mind.
You did say they creep you out.
Excuse me? Can I have a little support here, please? I'm not just some crazy person, I'm the Slayer.
The dummy Slayer? (off Buffy's look) There's nothing funny about that.
Well, on the side of the 'Morgan's just crazy' theory there is, well, Morgan.
As Willow says this, Morgan walks past them down the aisle, sets down Sid's case and opens it.
I'd like to see Morgan without his better half for a few minutes. Bet he could tell me something.
Morgan sits down with Sid on his lap.
Oh, if it's any consolation, I may have found a possible demon culprit. There's a reference in here to a brotherhood of seven demons who take the form of young humans. Every seven years these demons need human organs, a brain and a heart, to maintain their humanity. Otherwise they revert back to their original form, which is slightly less appealing.
He hands Xander the book open to a sketch of one of the demons.
So Morgan could still be the guy, only demon Morgan instead of crazy Morgan.
Morgan fusses with Sid's shoes.
It's said that these demons are preternaturally strong, and Morgan is... well, he seems to be getting weaker every day.
As if on cue, Morgan slumps in his chair and puts his hand to his head in pain.
MRS. JACKSON lectures as she walks around the room.
It was as a result of this that President Monroe put forth the eponymous, meaning named after one's self, Monroe Doctrine, which in one sense established the U.S. as a local peacekeeper.
She walks behind Buffy, who is intently watching Sid. Sid turns his head back to look at her and lowers his brows. Buffy is creeped out and nervously glances away. A moment later she looks back up at him. Sid is still staring at her. Cordelia notices and leans over to comment.
Looks like someone digs you. That's adorable. You and the dummy could tour in the freak show.
She smiles smugly and leans back in her chair. Buffy smirks, but says nothing, more concerned about Sid than Cordelia's sniping.
Okay, who can tell me how Spain responded to this policy?
Sid is whispering to Morgan, drawing the teacher's attention.
Morgan?
What?
Morgan has other things on his mind.
The students laugh and Mrs. Jackson approaches Morgan.
Give me your puppet.
I'll put him away.
You'll get it back after school.
She opens a cupboard, puts Sid in and closes it.
Okay, then. In the first part of the 19th Century...
I'm still watchin' you.
Morgan, that is enough!
After school. Morgan returns to retrieve Sid.
Mrs. Jackson.
Morgan.
You said you'd give me...
Oh, of course.
She gets up and goes over to the cupboard. Morgan follows her expectantly. But she stops short and turns to Morgan.
You know, I wanted to ask you, is everything okay? At home... here at school?
Yeah, it's great.
I feel like you've become... a little detached.
He starts to massage his head as if a sudden headache has overtaken him.
You're one of the brightest kids I've seen in a long time, but lately it seems like you're not all there.
Morgan has both his hands on his head now, rubbing.
Try not to let other things get in the way.
Okay! Can I get Sid now?
Sure.
She goes over to the cupboard and opens it but Sid is gone. She turns back to Morgan.
It's gone!
Gone? What do you mean, gone? Where could he have gone?
I put it right here.
He knew to wait for me. He knew I'd be back.
What do you mean 'he'?
What did you do with him? Where is he?
Xander has Sid and is playing with him. Buffy, Willow and Giles come in. Willow and Giles have their arms full of costumes. Alarmed, Buffy sees Xander holding Sid.
Where did you get that?
Oh, I took it out of Mrs. Jackson's cupboard. I thought you said you wanted to be able to speak to Morgan alone, and ... well, Morgan's alone and Sid's with me.
Buffy stares at Sid uncomfortably.
Hi, Buffy! Hi, Willow! Would you like to hear some off-color jokes?
I really don't think you should be doing that.
What? C'mon... (as Sid) I'm not real!
Xander, quit it!
Xander starts pounding Sid's head into the table.
He's... not... real! I think our demonstration proves that Sid is wood. Now, why don't you go and find Morgan and prove he's... whatever he is?
I imagine he's looking for his puppet.
I'll go find Morgan.
She starts to leave, but stops and turns to Xander.
Watch the dummy.
Bye-bye, now. I'm completely inanimate.
Buffy gives Xander a withering look and walks out the door.
Redrum! Redruuum!
What do we do with him?
I'll keep him company.
Willow, we have some hunting of our own to do.
Once again I'm banished to the demon section of the card catalog.
Giles and Willow trudge up into the stacks.
You concentrate on re-animation theory. I'll peck about in organ harvesting. Unless, of course, you prefer--
That's okay, you can have the organs.
Xander puts Sid in the chair at the end of the table.
So, I guess it's just you and me, huh? (turns Sid's head away and pats him) That looks more comfortable.
He leaves Sid there and the camera closes in on the puppet.
Buffy walks along the front of the room and then up the stairs to the stage.
Morgan?
Buffy draws a curtain aside, but no one's there. She takes the steps down to the makeup/wardrobe area and tries the door. It's locked. She hears another door close and turns toward the sound. A gust blows through the room, ruffling the curtain. Slowly she walks toward it. She senses something behind her and whirls around to find-- Principal Snyder at the top of the steps to the stage.
Principal Snyder!
Looking for something?
Have you seen Morgan Shay?
You know, with everything that's been going on recently, I'm not sure how safe it is for a girl like yourself to be here... alone.
Well, I was just leaving. And I know how to take care of myself.
Long beat as they take each others' measure.
All right, then.
He turns up the stairs and leaves.
Xander looks over at Sid in his chair, then turns back to his homework.
The stacks.
Look what I found in the section on toys and magic: (reads) 'On rare occasions inanimate objects of human quality, such as dolls and mannequins, already mystically possessed of consciousness, have acted upon their desire to become human by harvesting organs.'
Emily's heart.
Morgan's dummy.
Xander. He gets up and pulls a reference book. When he gets back to the table Sid is gone, unnoticed by Xander. He slams the book on the table, sits down again and begins to read. After a moment he glances at Sid's chair and jumps up frightened when he sees it empty.
Whoa!
He climbs up onto the table. Giles and Willow come running out of the stacks.
What is it?
He's gone! (indicates the chair) Sid's gone!
What? Oh!
The group warily looks around the library.
As Buffy continues to look around, she hears some creaking.
Morgan?
She pokes around the shadowed backstage are, pushing aside racked clothes and looking behind stored set pieces, but sees nothing. As she walks, she stumbles over something. Looking down she's horrified to discover Morgan's body lying there, skull cracked open, brain pan empty.
Morgan... (slowly backs away) Demon's got himself a brain.
Suddenly, a snapping, crashing noise from above. She looks up just as a wrought- iron chandelier comes hurtling down on her.
Buffy is unconscious under the chandelier. She stirs and moans, her vision a bit blurred. She hears quick little footsteps and immediately snaps to attention. She sees Sid run across the catwalk above her. She tries to lift the chandelier off of herself, but it's too heavy. Sid is now lurking in the shadows nearby. Buffy sees him.
Who's ever out there, I'm gonna hurt you... badly! If you'll just give me a minute...
She tries lifting again, but to no avail. Now Sid is right over her, knife poised to strike. As it whickers toward her face, Buffy manages to turn just in time. As Sid continues to come at her with the knife, Buffy backhands him across the room. With one final burst of strength, she manages to shift the chandelier enough to free herself. As she stands up, Sid attacks her from behind. She whirls and slams him into a nearby wall, his knife knocked from his grasp. Buffy pins him against the wall and he struggles, helpless.
You win. Now you can take your heart and your brain and move on.
I'm sure they would have made great trophies for your case.
That woulda been justice.
Yeah, except for one thing: you lost, and now you'll never be human.
Yeah, well, neither will you.
This isn't what Buffy expected. Nor, apparently, what Sid expected either.
BUFFY & SID
What?
Giles, Willow, Buffy and Xander stare at Sid in wide-eyed and open-mouthed amazement.
This is what I do. I hunt demons. Yeah, you wouldn't know it to look at me. Let's just say there was me, there was a really mean demon, there was a curse, and the next thing I know I'm not me anymore. I'm sitting on some guy's knee with his hand up my shirt.
And ever since then you've been a living dummy?
The kid here was right all along. I shoulda picked you to team up with. But I didn't because--
Because you thought I was the demon.
Who can blame me for thinking? Look at you. You're strong, athletic, limber... (wantonly looks her up and down) nubile... I'm back. In any case, now that this demon's got the heart and brain, he gets to keep the human form he's in for another seven years.
The tea kettle is whistling. Giles gets up to tend to it.
I must say, it's a welcome change to have someone else explain all these things.
There were seven of these guys. I've killed six. If I can get the last one, the curse will be lifted and I'll be free. I'm sure it's someone in that stupid talent show.
Yeah, but now that demon has what he wants. He'll be moving on.
So once we know who's missing from the show...
We'll know who our demon is!
The show!
What?
It's going to start! I'm supposed to be there.
Okay start pulling everyone's addresses in the talent show. If they're not there, maybe we can catch them at home.
And you, get 'em all on stage, form the power circle. Then we can see who's a no-show.
The what?
The power circle. You get everyone together, you get 'em, you know, revved up.
Giles still doesn't get it, but heads out nevertheless.
Right.
How'd he ever get that gig?
Giles frantically tries to organize the students.
Fifteen minutes to curtain, everyone! Fifteen minutes!
Cordelia runs up to him.
I can't go out there. All those people staring at me and judging me like I'm some kind of... Buffy! What if I mess up?
Cordelia, there's an adage that if you're feeling nervous then you should imagine the entire audience are in their underwear.
Eww! Even Mrs. Franklin?
Perhaps not.
Yeah.
All right, we'll assemble on the stage in five minutes for the power thing.
Sid and Buffy are watching to see who's missing from the circle.
So, what's your deal, kid? I don't figure you for a demon hunter.
I'm a vampire Slayer.
You? You're the Slayer? (Buffy nods) Damn. I knew a Slayer in the 30's. Korean chick. Very hot. We're talking muscle tone. Man, we had some times. (off Buffy's look) Hey, that was pre- dummy, all right? Now, I was a guy--
So, you kill the demon and the curse is lifted, right?
That's the drill.
You don't actually turn into a prince, do you? I mean, your body...
Is dust and bones. When I say free--
You mean dead.
Don't get sniffly on me, sis. I've lived a lot longer than most demon hunters. Or Slayers, for that matter.
His comment strikes home, again reminding Buffy that her life span is not likely to be all that long. Sid puts his hand on her knee.
Of course, if you want to snuggle up and comfort me...
Buffy firmly removes his hand.
So that horny dummy thing really isn't an act, is it?
Nope.
Yuk!
Sid and Buffy look down onto the stage.
Giles is gathering the performers into a group.
Is everybody here?
The talent gathers on the stage.
Okay, here comes our line-up.
Quickly, everyone... power circle.
The students arrange themselves in a circle and hold hands. Sid and Buffy scan the group for any missing members. Giles looks around as well.
Well, that's that, then. Everybody, get ready.
This isn't the way the power circle usually goes and the students are confused, but the circle quickly breaks up as they scramble to get ready. Giles is at a loss. Buffy bends down and slips underneath the catwalk railing.
Hold on.
She drops fifty feet to the stage below, lands squarely on her feet and walks over to Giles.
No one's missing.
So the demon isn't in the show.
It seems not. Tell the others. Look, it's nearly curtain. I must get the show rolling.
Right.
Right.
She looks for Sid up on the catwalk but he's gone.
Sid?
Principal Snyder nosing around backstage. He and Giles notice each other simultaneously and Snyder abruptly turns and stalks away. Giles follows him.
Buffy, still looking for Sid.
Sid?
She stops next to a workbench. Something dark and sticky drips onto her arm from above. She shakes it off and looks up. She sees that's coming from a high shelf and she reaches up to investigate. Morgan's brain falls off the shelf and into her hands. Horrified, she yelps and drops it to the floor.
Willow is at the PC. Buffy walks up to her staring at her hands.
I'm never gonna stop washing my hands.
So, the dummy tells us that he's a demon hunter. And we're, like, fine, la la la la. He takes off and now there's a brain. Does anybody else feel like they've been Keyser Söze'd?
Sid's on the level, I'm sure of it. But why would the demon have rejected the brain? I mean, I thought Morgan was the smartest kid in school.
He was, look at his grades: all A's. He was even taking college classes. Wait a second.
What?
All these sick days.
He was off for, like, half the year.
Check the school nurse's file.
Willow types some commands into the computer and brings up the school's medical files.
Look at this. 'In case of emergency, contact Dr. Dale Leggett, California Institute of Neurosurgery, Cancer Ward.'
Brain cancer?
That's why he had all the headaches.
This means that whatever's out there still needs a healthy, intelligent brain.
In other words, I'm safe.
And it's gonna be looking for the smartest person around.
She and Xander look at Willow. She looks at them, apprehensive.
What?
Giles is helping Marc set up and has a pair of weights in his hands.
Yes, if you calibrated the units of weight then you could calculate the specific maximum velocity achieved before the point of impact.
Gee, Mr. Giles, you're really smart! Could you do me a favor?
What could a demon possibly want from me?
What's the square root of 841?
Twenty-nine. Oh, yeah.
Don't worry, Willow. As long as you're with us there's absolutely no way that demon is gonna get what he wants.
Marc tests his guillotine on a honeydew melon. Giles picks up half.
Oh, my!
Pretty cool, huh?
Are you sure there's no one else who could help you out?
My assistant got sick. You won't have to say anything. I'll show you. Lie down.
How exactly does it work?
Marc pulls the blade back up by its rope and ties it down.
A good magician never tells his secrets.
He looks down and notices that his hand and arm have begun grow scales and quickly shakes his sleeve down to cover them before Giles notices.
C'mon. We haven't got much time.
Buffy paces nervously.
This is ridiculous. We can't just sit here and wait for him to come to us. We have to figure out who we're dealing with.
I still vote dummy.
No. Okay, so we ruled out all the people in the talent show...
That's because they were all there. But that's before we found the brain.
Right. So it probably is one of them. And Giles doesn't know! He's with them all right now.
Giles can handle himself. I mean, he is really... smart!
Buffy slams the door open and runs down the hall.
Giles!
Xander and Willow are hot on her trail.
Giles is strapped down to the guillotine bench.
Shouldn't it be aimed at my neck?
No. No, this way your scalp gets sliced off and your brains just... come pouring out.
He slides the head restraint down onto Giles' forehead. He reaches over and locks it down with a padlock.
What exactly is the trick?
Trick?
Marc?
Marc steps over to the block where the rope holding the guillotine blade is tied down. He grabs his hatchet and takes a swing at the rope, slicing deeply into it. However it holds, for the moment. Giles is terrified. Marc takes another swing. The rope is half-cut now.
Marc?
A third swing, and the rope is almost cut through. The blade slips a bit. Giles looks up at it in terror. Another swing, and the rope hangs by a thread. Marc raises the hatchet for the final cut just as Buffy lunges at him and tackles him to the floor. She kicks his legs out from under him as he tries to get up and squares off on him as a flounders on the floor. She kicks him in the face and he goes down again. Marc growls as he starts to get up and Buffy sees that he is transforming into his natural demonic state.
Ewww!
Marc takes advantage of her distraction and jumps up and backhands her across the face. She spins around and falls to the floor as the guillotine rope stretches and snaps: the blade begins to fall. Giles screams and clamps his eyes shut. At the last instant, Xander snatches the rope in mid-air and stops the blade. Giles cautiously opens his eyes, amazed to be alive. Xander holds the blade in place while Willow works on the restraints.
Where are the keys?
Marc's got it.
Willow!
He kicks the hatchet over to her. She picks it up and begins to hack at the lock.
Hurry!
Buffy gets up again and runs over to Marc. She grabs him and falls backward, pulling him down with her and flipping him over onto his back. She leaps to her feet and turns to face him. When he gets up she punches him in the face and kicks
him in the stomach. He staggers backward and stumbles into his disappearing-act box, and the door closes on him. Willow keeps hacking at the lock on the guillotine.
How do you lock this thing?
The question is moot because Marc shatters the box and reaches for her. She quickly backs away as he kicks and shoves his way out of the box. He has completely reverted to his demon form now. He lunges at her, grabs her by the neck, and lifts her off the floor.
What's happening?
Willow is still hacking as the demon slams Buffy up against a wall by the throat, then again. Xander can only watch as he holds on to the rope, the wicked looking blade still poised over Giles' head. Willow breaks the lock and quickly removes it. She and Giles push the head restraint up and he sits up as fast as he can. He reaches down to undo the restraint at his feet.
Suddenly Sid jumps down onto the demon's back from above and begins viciously stabbing with his knife.
I found you!
But the demon ignores Sid and continues slamming Buffy into the wall. Buffy looks desperately over to Giles who finally manages to free himself.
Sid's attack has finally forced the demon to let go of Buffy and he has leaps off as Buffy hits the demon in the face with two vicious open-handed blows. Giles dives off of the bench as Buffy delivers a staggering kick to the demon's chest, sending him reeling backward, falling onto the guillotine bench, its neck across the cutting track.
Let go!
Xander releases the blade and it falls, slicing the demon's head neatly from its body which slumps lifeless on the bench. Willow recoils at the sight.
I must say, all of you... your timing is impeccable.
And now for the big finish.
He has positioned himself over the demon's chest with his knife.
What are you doing?
It's not enough. He'll come back. You have to get the heart. Then all of this'll be over.
She holds out her hand for the knife.
Let me.
I got it. Thanks.
He rears back with the knife and plunges it into the demon's heart. He pulls back to do it again, but his aim was true the first time, and he just slumps over onto the demon with the knife still in his hands, now a lifeless puppet. Buffy gently lifts Sid and holds him in her arms.
It's over.
Suddenly the curtain opens onto the auditorium. A grim and bizarre tableau: Buffy reverently carrying a ventriloquist's dummy, Willow armed with a hatchet, a
decapitated demon, a frazzled librarian and Xander. Principal Snyder is dumbfounded and fumes silently.
I don't get it. What is it? Avant-garde?
Xander, Willow and Buffy are doing their act.
Oh, ruler of my country, Oedipus, you see our company around the Altar, and I, the priest of Zeus!
Ha, ha! They prophesize that I should kill my father. But he is dead and hidden deep in the soil. But surely I must fear my mother's bed.
Oh, Oedipus, Oedipus, unhappy Oedipus, that is all I can call you and all that I ever shall call you.
Darkness! And horror of darkness. Unfolding, restless, visitant, sped by an ill wind in haste.
Willow is frozen with stage fright and Buffy rolls her eyes as Xander fumbles his lines.
Madness, and... madness and stabbing pain, and, and, uh... memory of ill deeds I have done.
Willow's line; Buffy nudges her. She bolts from the stage in terror. Beat as Xander and Buffy look after her, then nervously step together to fill the gap.