[Transcript of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" episode Ted at buffyology.com.]
In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer.
Buffy's street at night. WILLOW and XANDER walk ahead of BUFFY on their way to her house.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Xander, he was obviously in charge.
He was a puppet! She was using him!
He didn't seem like the type of guy who would let himself be used.
Well, that was her genius! He didn't even know he was playing second fiddle. (to Buffy) Buffy?
Huh?
Who was the real power? The Captain or Tennille?
Who are these people?
The Captain and Tennille? Boy, somebody was raised in a culture-free environment!
I'm sorry. I was just--
Thinking?
No, not thinking. Having a lot of happy non-thoughts. I love it when things are quiet around here.
Yeah, with Spike and Drusilla out of the way, we've really been ridin' the mellow and I am really jinxing the hell out of us by saying that.
Yeah, but we'll let you off this time.
They turn down the walk to Buffy's house.
So we're pretty sure that there're not more Tarakan assassins coming our way?
Angel's sources say the contract's off.
How is Angel? Pretend I care.
Getting better.
And you're loving playing nursemaid?
Oh, yeah!
So is it better than playing naughty stewardess?
Xander...
He chuckles as they climb the steps to the porch. Buffy gets out her key and reaches up to put it in the door lock. When she inserts it, the door just swings inward. Buffy stares in, concerned to find the door unlocked.
You guys wait here a second.
She slowly walks in and looks around. After a few seconds she hears a glass fall and break in the kitchen and her mother, JOYCE, cry out.
No!
Buffy rushes through the dining room to the kitchen door and pushes it open.
Mom!
To her stunned amazement, she finds her mother locked in a passionate embrace with a man. They break off their kiss and all three stare awkwardly at each other.
Oh, my... I'm sorry, I... I heard...
I broke a wineglass. You're home early.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh! This is my daughter, Buffy. (to Buffy) Buffy, this is Ted.
Buffy just stares at TED, unsure how to react.
Opening credit sequence
Xander and Willow have been invited to stay for dinner. Ted is cooking. He opens the oven and slides in a baking sheet full of mini pizzas.
Okay, here we go!
Off to the side, Buffy and Joyce talk while Joyce empties a dustpan full of broken glass into the trashcan.
So. All these late nights at the gallery recently, I gather you were cataloging more than art.
Well, I... I've been looking for the right moment to introduce you two. He's a wonderful man.
Buffy looks over her shoulder at Ted cooking.
Sprinkle that on...
A little more. Okay, more...
How'd you meet?
Oh, he sells computer software. He redid my entire system at the gallery, freed up a lot of my time.
To meet new people. And smooch them in my kitchen.
You weren't supposed to see that.
Ted takes the cast-iron pan from the stove, goes over to the island with it and scoops out several finished pizzas.
I like my new nine-gig hard drive.
But you don't love it, because without the DMA upgrade your computer's only half a rocket ship.
Yeah, but who can afford the upgrades?
Well, you can! I get the demos for free. I don't see why I shouldn't give 'em to you for the same price! Any friend of Buffy's...
Willow squeals with delight. Xander munches on one of the mini pizzas.
What?
Oh, that's the sound she makes when she's speechless with geeker joy. Can I just say, this is the finest pizza ever on God's green Earth. What is your secret?
Well, after you bake it, you fry it in herbs and olive oil but you gotta use (knocks his pan) a cast-iron skillet. No room for compromise there.
Buffy and Joyce rejoin the others.
You know, you should market these things. I mean, you can get two, three hundred bucks apiece!
Ted laughs and takes the plate with the pizzas over to Buffy.
Hungry?
No, thanks.
Buffy, I want to apologize. That wasn't how I wanted us to meet. I wanted it to be... perfect. I'm very fond of your mother, I guess that's pretty obvious. I know you're the most important thing in her life and, well gosh, that makes you pretty important to me, too.
Joyce moves next to Ted.
Buffy, I really want you to be okay with this.
Beg to differ: we really want you to be okay with this.
They both smile at Buffy.
I'm okay.
You are?
I am.
An empty picnic table. Suddenly a vampire crashes down onto it and it collapses beneath his weight. He shakes off the blow as he gets back up and comes at Buffy again. She grabs the metal lid from a trashcan while GILES looks on. She uses it as a shield to block the vampire's punch and then hits him over the head with it. He falls to his knees, but manages to get back up. She hits him with it again and the process repeats. She hits him a third time and he staggers again.
Buffy? I believe he's...
Buffy continues to block the vampire's blows with the trashcan lid and then bash him over the head with it. Giles winces at what he's seeing. Buffy blocks another punch, then discards the lid and kicks the vampire in the face.
It's staking time, really. Don't you think?
Buffy kicks the vampire again and follows up with a punch to the jaw. Giles sits down on a bench to wait, holding his bag in his lap. Buffy throws a few more blows, then pulls a stake out of her jacket and cleanly jams it into his chest and pulls it back out. The vampire bursts into ashes and Buffy looks around as she walks over to Giles.
Any others?
Well, for their sakes, I certainly hope not.
What? I kill vampires, that's my job.
Well, true, true, although you don't usually beat them into quite such a bloody pulp beforehand. Everything all right?
Yeah! Fine!
She walks around him, steps up onto the bench and sits on the backrest.
I killed a vampire here on Wednesday. Why are they hanging out at the park?
Well, they're... scattered, you know. Now their leaders are gone-- with any luck dead. In times of crisis they usually return to the easiest feeding grounds.
Vampires are creeps.
Yes, that's why one slays them.
I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along and then vampires come and they run around and they kill people and they take over your whole house. They start making these stupid little mini pizzas and everyone's like, 'I like your mini pizzas,' but I'm telling you, I am--
Buffy! I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming... text. Are you sure there's nothing you want to share?
No. Forget it. Think there'll be any more? I can wait.
Xander, Willow and Buffy walk to class.
If you say one more word, things will become dire.
Did you even bother to taste them? Nooo! Well I did and I'm here to tell ya those mini pizzas have changed my life! Ted is the master chef!
Fine! So he's a good cook. Well, what does that really tell you about a person?
Everything.
You don't like him?
I don't know him. I mean, so far all I see is someone who apparently has a good job, seems nice and polite and my mother really likes him.
What kind of a monster is he?
I'm just saying there's something a little too clean about this clown.
He's a clean clown! (off their puzzled looks) I have my own fun.
They arrive at the vending machines.
Buff, you're lacking evidence. I think maybe we're in Sigmund Freud territory.
He puts his coins into the machine.
He has a point. Separation anxiety, the mother figure being taken away, conflict with the father figure...
He's not my father figure.
Having issues much?
I am not!
Xander mocks Buffy like a grade school kid.
You're having parental issues, you're having parental issues...
Xander...
What? Freud would've said the exact same thing. Except he might not have done that little dance.
Okay, I admit it's weird. Seeing my mother frenching a guy is definitely a ticket to Therapyland, but it's more than that. I'm pretty good at sensing what's going on around me and there is definitely something wrong with this... Ted.
Xander spots Ted coming down the stairs behind Buffy.
Ted!
Of course, Ted. Who'd you think I was talking about?
Hi, Ted! Ted, who's here.
Hello, kids!
The girls turn quickly to face him.
What are you doing here?
I'm updating the software in the guidance office. Which reminds me... your upgrades.
He pulls several disks from his pocket and hands them to Willow.
Oh, what a day! Thank you!
Buffy shoots Willow a look.
Think nothing of it. Buffy, do you like miniature golf?
Who doesn't!
Well, your mother and I were thinking maybe this Saturday we could drag the three of you out to the course, spend some time swinging the iron with the stuffy old people.
Well, uh...
I'm making a picnic basket.
With mini pizzas?
And cookies!
Xander goes into wide-eyed, open-mouthed rapture.
You know what, we would love to, honestly, but unfortunately we have that thing on Saturday.
She looks to Willow for support.
Oh, that thing. (they look at Xander) That thing.
Hey, we can do that thing anytime. I'm tired of doing that thing. (to Ted) We're on!
Great!
Willow and Buffy can only smile pleasantly.
JENNY CALENDAR gathers assignments from the students' desks. Giles walks up to the door and steps in.
Hello, Jenny.
Rupert. Hi.
Some of your textbooks were delivered to the library. Do you want me to hang on to them?
Yeah, that's fine. I'll send the kids by to pick 'em up.
Right. Good.
He turns around and starts out of the room.
Pretty flimsy excuse for coming by to see me.
You should have heard the ones I threw out. (smiles briefly) I just, I wanted to... see how you were doing.
I'm doing pretty good, actually. I've stayed out of mortal danger for three whole weeks. I could get used to it. I'm still having trouble sleeping, though.
Oh, of course. You need time.
Or possibly space. Rupert, I know you're concerned but having you constantly poking around, making little puppy dog eyes at me, wondering if I'm okay... You make me feel bad that I don't feel better. I don't want that responsibility.
Sorry. I certainly don't mean to make 'dog eyes' at you. I'm just--
Worried. I know.
I shouldn't have bothered you.
He turns and walks out of the room, dejected. Jenny watches him go, then returns to collecting the papers.
Buffy replaces the bandage on his right hand while he lies in his comfy chair.
So mom's like, 'Do you think Ted will like this?' and 'This is Ted's favorite show,' and 'Ted's teaching me computers,' and 'Ted said the funniest thing,' and I'm like, "That's really great, Mom," and then she said I was being sarcastic, which I was, but I'm sorry if I don't want to talk about Ted all the time.
So you going to talk about something else at some point?
I'm sorry. I just have so much to deal with, I don't need some new guy in my life.
She's finished wrapping the bandage and Angel hands her a piece of tape.
No, but maybe your mom does.
Buffy takes the tape and puts it on the bandage.
Well, sure, if you're going to use wisdom.
Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is.
Okay, so my mom needs a guy in her life. Does it have to be Ted?
Do you have somebody else in mind? There's a guy out there that would satisfy you?
My dad? (off Angel's look) Yeah, okay, that's not gonna happen. Fine, fine, I'll give Ted a chance. I'll play mini-golf and I'll smile and curtsy and be the dutiful daughter. Do I have to like him?
Kiss me.
Finally, something I wanna do!
She leans over him and kisses him lightly on the lips. She lowers herself into his lap and they kiss more passionately.
The group walks up to the next hole.
Ah, the dreaded five-par cuckoo clock. Ha! So many have come, so few have conquered.
He puts his ball in place and studies his shot.
That picnic was delicious.
Xander takes his shot. It's weak.
You know how rare it is to find a man that cooks?
I know I've been looking a long time for one. So Buffy, I bet the boys are lined up around the block trying to get a date with you.
Not really.
Oh, they are, but she's only interested in... (off Buffy's nudge) her studies! 'Book-cracker Buffy', it's kind of her nickname.
Well, glad to hear it. I bet that means your grades will be picking up soon.
He bends down to position his ball for his shot.
My grades? (to Joyce) How does he know about my grades?
I told him. He wants to know everything about you. He's concerned. That's a good thing. Oh, nice shot, Ted!
The next hole with a castle. Buffy is ready to take her shot.
Keep your eye on the ball. Watch those elbows!
Buffy swings a bit too hard and the ball ricochets off the castle and into the rough behind it.
Oh! Bad luck, little lady!
Buffy starts to walk to retrieve her ball for another try.
Oh, we won't count it.
We won't?
Buffy stops and turns back to look at them.
Well, it's just miniature golf.
It is but the rules are the rules. And what we teach her is what she takes out into the world when we're not there, whether it's at school or an unchaperoned party. (to Buffy) I don't mean to overstep my bounds, this is between you and your mother. I just think right is right.
He has a point.
Fine. I'll just go hit my ball from the rough.
She goes over to her ball behind the castle and picks it up. She steps onto the green and thinking no one sees her drops her ball into the hole.
Hey, how about that! Got a hole in two!
Beg to differ.
Buffy turns and sees him standing next to the castle.
Okay, so fine my score or whatever.
I think you're missing the point here, little lady. Right is right, wrong is wrong. Why don't people see that?
It's just a game?
Right, it's just a game, do your own thing. Well, I'm not wired that way. And I am here to tell you it is not a game! It does count and I don't stand for that kind of malarkey in my house!
Throughout this he's been tapping his ankle with his club, faster and harder as he becomes more and more agitated. Buffy notices this with unease.
Then I guess it's a good thing I'm not in your house.
Do you want me to slap that smart-ass mouth of yours?
Buffy can't believe her ears. The others walk around the castle and Ted follows Buffy's gaze.
Who's up for dessert? I made chocolate-chip cookies!
Joyce opens the zip-lock bag of cookies.
Yum-my!
Cookies!
Buffy can't believe Ted just threatened her and that no one else notices how creepy he is.
Yeah! I made too many so you guys are going to have to take some home!
Everyone has a cookie and munches away.
Mmm! Buffy, you've got to try one of these! They're really good!
Ted offers her one with a smile. Buffy just stares at him in disbelief.
Mmm! These are tasty!
Buffy wanders in. Joyce gets the orange juice from the refrigerator and brings it to the island.
Good morning, Sunshine!
Hey.
I've got juice, I've got sticky buns-- oh, don't they smell good!
Buffy picks up part of a bun.
Ted made them.
Buffy puts it back down.
What?
I'd just like to eat something around here that Ted didn't make.
Oh, what kind of an attitude is that?
Look, Mom, I know you think he's great and all, but I--
You know, he went out of his way to be nice to you and you couldn't say two words to him on Saturday. I do not expect you to love him right away like I do but I do expect you to treat him decently.
You love him?
I don't know. (beat) That just slipped out. But I guess I mean, it's not exactly like men beat down the door when you're a single...
When you're a single parent.
Honey, look. I wouldn't have anything to do with anybody if they didn't care about you. But he does! I don't understand why you can't see that.
He threatened me.
What?
He threatened me. He said that he was going to slap my face.
He said no such thing! Honey, Ted told me what happened. He caught you cheating, didn't he?
Yeah, I kicked my ball in-- put me in jail-- but he totally wigged!
And he didn't say anything about it in front of the others, did he?
No, but I don't think that's the--
Well, I thought that that was pretty decent of him! Ted said we are just going to have to give you time to come around. Oh, speaking of which, he's making dinner for us tonight so I'd like you at home, please, promptly at six.
Buffy shoots her mother a look of exasperation and stalks out of the kitchen. Joyce just shrugs and lets her go while she eats part of a sticky bun.
Mmm, this is so delicious!
Willow, Buffy and Xander are on their way to class. Xander munches on a cookie.
What do you mean, check him out?
I mean investigate him. Find out his secrets, hack into his life.
Can you say 'overreaction'?
Can you say 'sucking chest wound'?
Buffy, it just seems like you want him to be corrupt or something.
The guy lost his senses over mini-golf.
So he's a little uptight. Last I heard that's not a slaying offense. (off Buffy's look) Don't give me the look, I'm on your side. I'm just saying there are some things in life you have to accept.
Buffy and Willow sit down on a bench.
And I'm saying Ted ain't one of 'em.
Xander notices CORDELIA walk past them behind the bench.
Hey, Cordy! Nice outfit.
Oh, very funny.
No really.
What are you saying?
Buffy and Willow look at Xander questioningly.
Nice outfit?
Well, why don't you just keep your mouth shut!
Would you guys excuse me for a sec?
He gets up and runs after Cordelia.
What's up with them?
Xander catches up with her.
What's wrong with you?
I gave you a compliment.
In front of your friends! They're gonna know!
Know what?
Please! It's too traumatic for me to even say it!
That we kissed?
Ughh!
Look, I'm not going to tell, they're not going to know. Not your friends, not my friends. (beat) You want to go to the utility closet and make out?
God! Is that all you ever think about? (beat) Okay.
Buffy and Willow back on the bench.
Will, I'm not wrong here. Ted has a problem with me. He acts like I'm in the way or something. And Mom's been totally different since he's around.
Different, like happy?
Like Stepford. Will you help me?
You know I will. What do you want me to look for?
Let's start small. Can you find out where he works?
Willow nods.
Buffy spots Ted at his desk and moves into the snack area to observe him. NEAL has the desk next to Ted's. They're both talking with customers over their headsets.
Yeah, it's a terrific product. No PC should be without it.
No, Mrs. Lawnsdale, it is not an inexpensive piece of software. As a matter of fact it's a very expensive one. Which removes the risk of crashing your whole system. Of course, if you prefer something cheap, I can always recommend... (beat) Trust me, you won't be sorry. Thank you very much.
Ted takes off his headset and puts it down. Buffy sees him get up and quickly crouches down and hides under the snack table. Ted walks over to the sales board and makes another hack mark beside his name.
Goin' to lunch!
He walks out the door as Buffy stands up and watches him leave. She glances over at his desk and then back at the sales board again. Neal comes over to get a cup of coffee and notices her standing there.
You're new, aren't you? I'm Neal.
I'm B... linda. Belinda. I'm just temping for the day. (re: sales board) Wow, that guy's a salesman. I guess he's the one to beat around here.
Nobody beats 'The Machine'. The guy's a genius. Knows everything about computers, never loses a client. If I sound bitter, I am.
Well, nobody likes an overachiever. He's probably got ex-wives and families to support.
He's just got a girlfriend. I'm amazed he let her clutter his desk.
He indicates Ted's desk and Buffy follows his gaze. There's a single picture frame on it beside the computer and nothing else.
Thank god he's taking off for the wedding.
The wedding?
Yeah, he's got it set for two months from now. Believe me, I am counting the days. (spots his boss) Uh-oh, the über-boss. Back to the salt mines.
As Neal moves off, Buffy casually makes her way to Ted's desk, glancing around to see if anyone notices her. She looks at the picture of her mother and it strikes her as familiar. She takes it, opens up the back and pulls it out. She notices it's folded and when she unfolds it she sees it's a picture of her and her mother-- but with to the fold it's as if she's been deleted.
Buffy, Joyce and Ted are seated at the dining room table for dinner. Ted says grace.
We thank you for what we are about to receive and we ask that you bless this house and help the people in it to be more productive, more considerate and more honest. Amen.
Amen.
Ted and Joyce lay their napkins in their laps. Joyce picks up her fork and starts in.
Well, another great day at work! How was school today, Buffy? Did you learn anything?
Quite a bit.
Good for you! Well, Joycie, what do you think?
I think every home should have one of you. It's fantastic! (smiles, to Buffy) Don't you think?
Ted smiles at Buffy also.
Looks good.
Well, you know, little lady, it's not just for looks. It's for building strong bodies.
Buffy stares at Ted.
Honey?
Are you two engaged?
Ted reacts.
Goodness, no! Whatever gave you that idea?
Now, Joycie, let me handle this. Buffy, your mother and I are taking it one step at a time. And if things go the way I hope, maybe someday soon I just might ask her to tie the knot. How would you feel about that? (cold silence from Buffy) It's okay to have feelings, Buffy, and it's okay to express them.
I'd feel like killing myself.
Buffy!
No, no, I told her to be honest. (to Buffy) Sweetheart, you should try and get used to me, 'cause you know what? I'm not going anywhere.
May I be excused?
You can go to your room, young lady, that's where you can go.
Buffy gets up and leaves the table without another word.
Ted, I am so embarrassed! I don't know what's wrong with her.
Ted takes her hand and looks at her lovingly.
Joycie, you don't get to be salesman of the year by giving up after a couple of rejections. She'll come around.
He smiles at her and takes a sip from his glass.
Buffy sits on a swing, impatiently tapping a stake in her hand.
Vampires... here, vampires...
Frustrated that she can't work out her anger, she decides to head home.
Buffy climbs up to her window and crawls in-- where she finds Ted sitting in a chair waiting for her.
What are you doing in here?
Your mother told you to go to your room, Buffy. You and I both know she didn't mean climb out a window and go gallivanting about town.
First of all, this is my room, second...
She notices her Slayer gear lying strewn about on her desk.
You've been going through my things?
Yes, I have.
That's my personal property! How dare you?
I don't see how it's any different from you snooping around my office, do you? (reads from her diary) What exactly is a Vampire Slayer?
It's none of your business.
Beg to differ, little lady. Everything you do is nothing but my business from now on.
I think you better get out of here. Now!
Or what?
He stands up and moves toward her.
You'll slay me? I'm real. I'm not some goblin you made up in your little diary. Psychiatrists have a word for something like this: delusional. So from now on, you'll do what I say, when I say or I show this (re: diary) to your mother and you'll spend your best dating years behind the wall of a mental institution. Your mother and I are going to be happy. You're not going to stand in the way. Sleep tight!
He turns to leave the room, opening the door. Buffy follows him and reaches for her diary, grabbing his arm.
That's mine and you are not leaving this room with it!
Take your hand off me.
No.
Ted slaps her so hard it could almost be a punch and sends her into the wall. She recovers and looks up at him with a deadly glare.
Oh, I was so hoping you'd do that.
She punches him squarely in the jaw and he staggers back into the open doorway. He pushes himself upright and backhands her across the face, sending her crashing against the side of her bed and onto the floor. He picks her up by the shirt collar, but she kicks him hard in the shin. Joyce comes to the door to see what all the noise is about.
Buffy! Stop that!
Buffy elbows him in the face.
Stop it!
Buffy kicks him in the chest and he staggers backward out into the hall, causing Joyce to quickly duck out of the way.
Buffy follows him into the hall and punches him in the face again. Ted trips down to the end of the hall before regaining his balance and Buffy is right there landing another kick square to the chest. He spins and falls down the stairs, tumbling to the bottom. When he hits the floor, his neck audibly snaps. Joyce runs down the stairs after him.
Ted...
She kneels next to him and tries to bring him around.
Ted! Ted!
Buffy slowly descends the stairs as Joyce takes Ted's arm to feel for a pulse. When she doesn't find one, she drops his arm and looks up at Buffy.
You killed him!
Buffy stares down at Ted's unmoving body, not believing what has just happened.
Ted's body is zipped up into a body bag and the EMTs wheel him out of the house on a gurney. Outside, Buffy is sitting on the porch steps while Joyce watches Ted being taken away. Police DETECTIVE STEIN approaches her.
Ma'am, I'm Detective Stein. I'm sorry, but I need to ask you a few questions. Your relationship with the deceased?
We were... seeing each other.
Can you tell me what happened?
He fell. Down the stairs, he fell.
I see. Did he slip? Do you know what made him fall?
I hit him.
Detective Stein turns to look at Buffy.
I hit him.
Joyce is sitting at Stein's desk, waiting apprehensively. Pan across the room and over to her, looking apprehensive.
Buffy is sitting at the bare table in the stark room being interviewed by Stein.
He was in my room and we got into an argument.
About what?
He...
Was this the first time that you two had had an argument?
No. He threatened me. He said that he would slap me.
That was tonight.
No. But he had my diary and I tried to take it back and that's when he hit me.
Where?
Buffy raises her hand to indicate her right cheek. Detective Stein leans over to have a look.
Well, it doesn't look like he hit you very hard.
I don't bruise easily.
So you've been hit before?
Yes.
But Ted never hit you.
I told you--
Before tonight, Ted never hit you before tonight?
What do you want? I told you what happened. I didn't mean to!
I believe you. Things get out of hand. He's a big guy.
He writes some notes on his pad and Buffy can only watch.
The interview is over and Stein is with Joyce at his desk.
Are you charging her with something?
We're not bringing anything up against your daughter right now. She says Mr. Buchanan struck her and if that's the case... (shrugs) Anyway, we've got to examine it further. Right now I think you should just take her home and the two of you should try and get some rest.
Buffy is looking down sadly. She glances over to her mother briefly, then out the side window.
Buffy enters and everyone seems to be looking at her as she slowly makes her way to the lounge.
Xander and Willow catch up with her.
Buffy!
They climb the steps up to the couches.
Are you okay?
How come you're here?
I couldn't stay at home. Mom won't even look at me.
What happened? Unless you don't want to talk about it.
We had a fight and I lost my temper. I really let him have it.
The paper said he fell.
He fell. Hard.
What was he?
What?
What was he? A demon? A giant bug? Some kind of dark god with the secrets of nouvelle cuisine? I mean, we are talking creature-feature here, right?
Buffy looks at him a moment and then lowers her eyes.
Oh, man!
But I'm sure it wasn't your fault. He started it.
Yeah. That defense only works in six-year-old court, Will.
Court? Wait. Are they charging you with something?
I don't know. Not yet.
Willow looks at her sympathetically.
He was a person and I killed him.
Don't say that!
Why not? Everyone else is. And it's the truth.
It was an accident.
I'm the Slayer. I had no right to hit him like that.
Look, Buffy, I don't know what happened exactly. But I do know you. And I know you would never hurt anyone intentionally. Well, you know, unless...
Unless they were dating my mother?
No response from Xander.
I gotta go.
She quickly leaves. Xander and Willow watch her go, worried.
Buffy comes striding around the corner. Ahead of her Giles comes out of a classroom and nods to a man standing outside the door, then sees her coming.
Buffy? Are you all right?
Buffy just looks up at him, silent.
Oh, stupid question, I'm sorry. Look, if there's anything you need, of course, just ask.
Buffy notices the man outside the classroom door.
What's going on?
Oh, you needn't worry about that. They're just asking a few questions... your behavior and...
Buffy looks into the room and sees Detective Stein talking with two of her teachers.
Of course, I told them you...
Buffy quickly walks away.
Willow and Cordelia are at the table. Willow is surfing for information. Giles is behind them in the cage assembling weapons. Xander is pacing.
Man, this is killing me! That bastard was up to something, I know it. If I could just get my hands on him...
Willow gives him a look.
Earlier this week.
I thought you liked him.
I sometimes like things that are not good for me. Besides, no way, no how does Buffy put the big hurt on an innocent man. Nice Uncle Ted was dirty.
Giles comes out of the cage with his bag in one hand and the crossbow in the other.
We've got to prove that somehow. Xander, do you have a pen?
Giles sets the bag on the table and puts the crossbow in. Xander opens his satchel to get a pen.
If Buffy has to go to jail because of that creep I'm gonna lose it. He's gotta be in there, Will. History of domestic violence, a criminal record? (finds a zip-lock bag) Oh, cookies!
As Xander starts munching cookies, Giles goes back into the cage for more weapons.
I don't get it. Buffy's the Slayer. Shouldn't she have--
What, a license to kill?
Well, not for fun. But she's like this Superman. Shouldn't there be different rules for her?
Sure, in a fascist society.
Right! Why can't we have one of those?
Buffy's not going to jail. It's not fair.
Whatever the authorities have planned for her, it can't be much worse than what she's doing to herself. She's taken a human life. The guilt, it's pretty hard to bear and it won't go away soon.
I guess you should know since you helped raise that demon that killed that guy that time?
Yes. Do let's bring that up as often as possible.
So Giles, you takin' over tonight?
Well, Buffy's not in any shape to patrol. The least I can do is pick up the slack. Someone has to.
Giles, you shouldn't go out there without the Slayer.
Until Buffy regains her equilibrium, there is no Slayer.
If you need help...
No, Buffy needs your help more than I. You carry on investigating, see if you can find out as much about this Buchanan chap as possible.
Be careful.
I will.
Ted's got no criminal record. Damn! This guy's like citizen of the year!
Don't sweat it. It'll be fine.
Don't sweat it?
Yeah, cute buddy! We'll work it out! (ruffles her hair) No worries!
What happened to 'this is killing me'?
Xander shakes his cookie at Cordelia.
Worrying isn't going to solve any problems.
The cookie catches Willow's eye and she takes it from Xander, breaking off most of it. She turns it in her hand as she looks at it.
Joyce packs away a bunch of baking pans and bowls. Buffy comes in and stands at the door, fidgeting.
Can I help?
It's done. I've been meaning to clean out this junk for months. Do you have homework?
I didn't mean to hurt him.
I don't want to talk about this.
Mom, please, you have to know...
I can't, not yet. Please, Buffy, just go to your room.
Buffy looks ready to burst into tears as she leaves the room. Joyce waits for a moment, almost crying herself, then picks up the box and takes it to the basement.
Several cookies are sitting on a scale. Willow is staring into a microscope.
Okay!
What do we know?
Well, apparently the secret ingredient is not love.
What is it then?
I'm not positive but I think it's Dematorin. It's like a tranquilizer, keeps you all mellow and compliant. It also shares a few components with ecstasy.
This is evidence! This is real evidence that Ted was some kind of a crook! Buffy's cleared! Willow, you are the best human ever! I adore you! (off her look) Well, that's the cookies talkin', but you rock!
Cordelia enters with a sheaf of paper.
Well, your search finally hit pay dirt. You got some personal records, marriage certificates and an address.
Well, let's check it out, get our Slayer back on her feet before somebody else gets hurt.
They all rush out of the lab.
Giles walks slowly through the cemetery, weapons bag in hand, when he's startled by a furtive noise and spins around holding up a cross.
Yeah, I get that reaction from men all the time.
Jenny! What are you doing here?
I saw your car back there. I wanted to apologize.
Well, now is not the best time to go--
No, please, let me just get this out. (beat) I was so... harsh the other day. I am so sorry. I mean, I know how badly you must feel about putting me in danger before and--
Right in harm's view now.
A vampire emerges from the bushes behind Jenny, snarling.
Buffy sits at her desk staring off into space. She hears a noise.
Mom? (beat) The hell with this.
She gets up and strides over to the window. She tries to lift the sash but it's stuck in place. She sees the problem.
She nailed it shut. Well, it's official: this day can't get any worse.
She senses something behind her and spins around to find Ted standing behind her.
Beg to differ.
Buffy backs toward the window as Ted confronts her.
You died.
That's right, little lady, you killed me. Do we have something to say about that? Are we sorry?
What are you?
I'm a salesman! That's what you should've remembered. No matter how you put him down...
He seizes her by the strap of her overalls and flings her across the room. She falls into her desk chair.
...a good salesman always bounces back!
The vampire roars and attacks. Jenny screams in fright and jumps aside and the vampire crashes into Giles, pulling him to the ground with him. Giles holds the cross in the vampire's face.
My bag!
Jenny jumps over to the dropped bag and pulls out the crossbow. Giles struggles with the vampire and punches him in the face but the vampire isn't fazed. Giles punches him again harder and this time the vampire pulls away far enough for Giles to get his foot underneath and push the creature off. The vampire lands on his back while Giles scrambles to his feet.
Jenny loads a bolt into the crossbow and anxiously looks for an opening. They turn back and forth, not giving Jenny a clear shot.
Buffy gets to her feet as Ted comes for her. She immediately kicks him in the gut and follows up with a left to the jaw. Ted flinches, but doesn't back off. Buffy punches him twice in the stomach and again in the face but he isn't fazed. He
grabs her by the throat and backs her into and over her desk, pinning her against the wall.
You see I had to shut down for a while to get you off my back. You should've seen the intern's face when I got up off the table. It was a hoot! Fun's over, though.
He wraps his other hand around her throat and begins to squeeze.
Giles and the vampire continue to wrestle, constantly turning so that Jenny still doesn't have a clear shot. Jenny finally spots an opening and decides it's time to shoot.
Say good night, big guy!
The vampire turns Giles around just as Jenny lets the bolt fly and the bolts buries itself in Giles' lower back. He screams in pain and Jenny gasps horrified.
Oh, god!
The vampire lets go of Giles and steps back. Giles grabs the shaft of the bolt and bends over in pain.
Oh, no!
She bends down to the bag and searches frantically for another bolt.
Nice shot, lady!
With a mighty heave, Giles rips the bolt from his back and jams it into the vampire's chest. Jenny stands up with another bolt just in time to see the vampire fall to the ground and explode into ashes. Jenny stares in shock and relief.
Ted tightens his grip on Buffy's throat. She looks over at her nightstand for anything to use as a weapon and reaches for a nail file. She grabs it and stabs Ted in the forearm with it. Ted yanks his arm away from her, slicing it open on the file as he jerks back. Buffy collapses to the floor.
That wasn't playing fair, missy!
He examines the wound. Torn wires spark and smoke from within.
You're gonna find...
His head jerks spastically, like a malfunctioning machine.
Hell of a day! Makes you feel like you're eighteen again! (another twitch) ...that I don't like being disobeyed!
Joyce comes out of the basement with another empty box and closes the door behind her.
Ted hears the sound of the door closing downstairs. He kicks Buffy in the jaw and knocks her out. He goes to the door, opens it and looks out into the hall. He gives Buffy another look as he pulls his sleeve down over the cut in his arm. His head jerks again from another short.
Don't worry about me and your mother. We're going to be very happy!
He leaves the room and closes and locks the door behind him.
Xander looks in through the multi-paned door window and sees the place is dark and empty. He breaks one of the panes with a crowbar and uses it to clear the broken glass from the frame.
Careful!
Xander reaches in through the window and opens the door from inside. Willow stands next to him and together and they scan the place with their flashlights. Slowly they enter with Cordelia in tow.
Let's look around.
Willow looks over the paperwork they have on him.
I'll take the back.
Check for cookies.
Willow shoots Xander a look.
For evidence!
They begin searching.
So far I've counted four marriage certificates.
Any divorce papers?
Not a one.
So either our boy was a Mormon, or...
Whoa, whoa, 1957! Ted must have married young! Like pre- school young.
Cordelia returns from the back room.
Nothing interesting back here. Doesn't look like anybody's worked here, let alone lived here.
Something's missing here. This doesn't seem like Ted at all.
Yeah, and this rug? It doesn't go with the rest of the decor.
Xander looks down at the Oriental rug. It looks brand new. He and Willow exchange a look. Xander steps back off the rug and rolls it back revealing a trap door.
Joyce starts to fill the box with more cooking pans and dishes. She hears someone coming and assumes it's Buffy.
Oh. Buffy, I'm sorry... I know you didn't mean to--
She looks over expecting to see Buffy and recoils in fright when she sees Ted standing in the door.
Joyce?
Ted! Is it really you? But you were...
I'm okay! I'm okay.
I don't understand this! You were dead!
They said I must've been dead for six minutes. They said any longer and it would've caused brain damage.
Oh... why didn't they tell us?
Nobody knew! They took me to the morgue. I was unconscious for almost a day. An intern found me. It's a miracle, Joyce. A miracle.
Oh, Ted!
She wraps her arms around him and hugs him close. He hugs her back.
I know.
Oh, my god, Buffy! Oh, Ted, I swear... she never meant to hurt you. You have to believe me.
You don't have to worry about Buffy. You don't have to worry about anything. Daddy's here.
Xander pushes down the ladder and it unfolds into the basement below. He climbs down the steps and reaches up his hand to steady Cordelia as she follows. Willow comes down behind them. Xander finds a switch on the wall and flips it. The lights come on and an old record player starts to play lounge music. They all look around. The place is furnished as an apartment.
Feels like home. If it's the fifties and you're a psycho.
They start looking around the place. Cordelia checks out some magazines on the coffee table. Willow pulls the window curtains aside but here's just a cement wall on the other side of the glass. Xander finds a closet door.
Whatcha got in the closet, Ted?
He opens the door and looks inside with his flashlight and his eyes go wide. He quickly slams the door shut.
Let's go.
But we need evidence!
We got it.
What's in there?
His first four wives.
Willow and Cordelia start back up the stairs. Xander turns off the light switch and follows them up.
Ted is still wooing Joyce.
You know what brought me back, Joyce? It was you. I couldn't go into that light. I had to come back for you. I'm going to make you so happy!
You should sit down.
I feel fine. Never better!
Ted, I think I should talk to Buffy first, before she sees you, because I'm sure she's--
Do we have to worry about Buffy right now? How about worrying about Teddy? He's the one who died!
I'm sorry, I just... I... I don't know what to do!
Don't I always tell you what to do? I'm going to make things right. Then you and I... (head jerk) Want a little gravy with that? (head jerk) ...can go away where no one will bother us again.
Ted, I think you might want to rest for awhile.
I think you might want to stop telling me what to do! I don't take orders from women. I'm not wired that way!
An electronic humming emanates from him as his circuitry shorts out.
Jenny kneels next to Giles who is sitting on the ground pressing a handkerchief to his wound.
Oh, god, I am so sorry!
I think I'm all right.
No, you're just in shock.
No, no, really. I don't think it went in too deep. The... advantages of layers of tweed. Better than Kevlar.
He lifts the handkerchief off his wound and Jenny sees the blood.
Oh, okay, all right, we have to get you to the hospital.
Yes, yes.
C'mon.
She takes his arm and pulls him up. He yells in pain.
Sorry! Sorry!
Let's move slowly, shall we?
Sorry! Okay...
She goes around to the other side and takes his arm for support.
Okay...
They start to limp away and Jenny begins to laugh.
What? What is it?
Some night, huh? (Giles smirks) Yeah, you really know how to woo a girl back, don't ya?
Ow! Ow!
Hospital.
Yes.
Buffy slowly regains consciousness. She coughs as she tries to get up.
Ted follows Joyce down the hall.
I think I could use a drink. (looks at Ted) To celebrate!
We should probably be hitting the road.
Hitting the road?
You're going to love the house. It's furnished just the way you like it. I spent a lot of... (head jerk) ...telling me what to do! (head jerk) ...time decorating.
Well, then I'd probably better go pack.
I already have your clothes. They're your size, they're always your size. You left me once but I keep bringing you back. Husband and wife is forever. (head jerk) Forever.
Buffy kicks out her doorknob, taking a big chunk of the door with it.
They hear the sound of the door breaking. Ted grabs Joyce's arm.
Let's go.
Ted, let go, please. Get off me!
She jerks her arm away. In anger, he shoves her into the wall, knocking her out. She slides down to the floor.
Fine then. I'll have to carry you.
He steps over to her and is about to pick her up when he hears a creaking in the next room. He slowly walks into the foyer, around the stairs and down the hall into the kitchen.
Buffy, come out! I don't stand for this kind of malarkey in my house!
Uncle Teddy?
He turns to face her and she swings a cast-iron skillet into the side of his head with tremendous force. Ted flies backward and hits the floor hard.
This house is mine!
Ted rolls around to face her. We see that some of the skin has been torn from his lips and left cheek, revealing gleaming metal underneath. Circuits are shorting and sparking. Buffy stares at him in shock. Ted stands back up.
Buffy? How about a nice game of Parcheesi?
Buffy raises the pan high and slams it down onto his head. Ted falls backward and convulses on the floor as his circuits begin to overload. He finally crashes and his eyelids jerk open in a dead stare. Buffy stares at her handiwork with satisfaction.
Pan down from the tree in front of Buffy's house and over to the porch. Joyce and Buffy are sitting on the bench munching on cut vegetables.
Do you want to rent a movie tonight?
Sounds like fun.
Just nothing with horror in it. Or romance. Or men.
I guess we're 'Thelma and Louise'ing it again.
Mmm-hmm. Good call. I still think he's going to jump out at me. Especially after what the police found in his house. It's just too horrible.
I wouldn't worry. He's not coming back.
I wish I could be so sure.
Trust me. He's on the scrap heap. (off Joyce's look) Of life.
Xander, Buffy, Willow and Cordelia come down the stairs and start down the hall.
So, I'm Ted, the sickly loser. I'm dying and my wife dumps me. I build a better Ted. He brings her back, holds her hostage in his bunker o'love until she dies. And then he keeps bringing her back, over and over. Now that's creepy on a level I hardly knew existed.
The sad part is the real Ted must've been a genius. There were design features in that robot that pre-date--
Willow, tell me you didn't keep any parts.
Not any big ones.
Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!
I just want to learn stuff.
Like how to build your own serial killer?
Willow frowns.
It's so hard to rent one nowadays.
Can we just drop the subject?
Absolutely. I plan to forget the whole thing and pick up right where we left off.
She and Willow look into the library through the door windows and immediately turn around and leave.
Okay! That's it! I give up! Do I have to sound an air horn every time I walk into a room?
Xander and Cordelia look in and smile at each other as they walk away.
I mean, what is it with grownups these days?
Close in on the window: Giles and Jenny kiss in a passionate embrace.