[Transcript of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" episode Bewitched, Bothered And Bewildered at buffyology.com.]
In every generation there is a Chosen One. She alone will stand against the vampires, the demons and the forces of darkness. She is the Slayer.
CU on a heart-shaped locket in extreme f.g. dangled by XANDER.
So, what do you think?
Focus on BUFFY sitting on a gravestone.
It's nice.
They are waiting near a fresh grave. Xander approaches Buffy, still dangling the locket.
But do you think Cordelia will like it?
I don't know.
She takes a closer look.
Does she know what one of these is?
He yanks it out of her hand and sticks it in his pocket.
Okay, big yuks. When are you guys going to stop making fun of me for dating Cordelia?
I'm sorry. But never. I just think you could find somebody more... better.
Parallel universe, maybe. Here the only other person I'm interested in is... unavailable. Besides, Cordy and I are really getting along. We're not fighting as much and yesterday we just sat together, not even speaking. You know, just enjoying comfortable silence. (beat) Man, that was dull.
I'm glad that you guys are getting along. Almost really. And don't stress over the gift.
Well, this is new territory for me. I mean, my valentines are usually met with heartfelt restraining orders.
She'll love it.
I wish dating was like slaying: you know, simple, direct, stake to the heart, no muss, no fuss.
He turns to face her again just as a vampire rises from the fresh grave. Xander reacts quickly and jumps back as the newly risen demon comes for him but he trips and falls backward onto his butt. Buffy hops off of the gravestone and grabs the vampire from behind and throws him high and away. He hits the ground hard but he quickly rolls to his feet.
The creature advances on Buffy and she leaps at him, kicks him in the chest with both feet and lands upright as the vampire staggers back into the corner column of a small mausoleum. The fight continues, with the two of them trading blows and smashing into walls and gravestones.
Buffy reaches into her jacket for a stake and when the vampire stands up again and tries to make a grab for her she deftly plunges it into his chest. He immediately bursts into a cloud of ashes. Buffy yanks the stake back and watches with satisfaction as the ash rains to the ground. Then she heads over to Xander and gives him a hand back up to his feet.
Sorry to say, Xand, slaying is a tad more perilous than dating.
They head out of the cemetery.
Well, you're obviously not dating Cordelia.
Opening credit sequence
CORDELIA approaches from the parking lot. She sees her friends sitting on a wall and heads over to them. When they see her coming they all stand up and make their way toward the main entrance, ignoring her. She runs to catch up.
Wait up. Hey, wait up! Excuse me! Where's the fire sale?
They all stop as a group and HARMONY and KATE turn to face her.
Oh, sorry. Didn't see you.
Well, why didn't you call me back last night? We need to talk about our outfits for the dance. I'm going to wear red and black (to Kate) so you need to switch.
Red and black? Is that what Xander likes?
Xander? What does he have to do with this?
Well, a girl wants to look good for her geek.
Xander's just--
When are you two going to start wearing cute little matching outfits? 'Cause I'm planning to vomit. (to the others) Let's go.
They all turn away and head into the building, leaving Cordelia behind, a social outcast for the first time in her life.
The bell rings and MRS. BEAKMAN calls the class to order.
Papers on my desk. Anybody tries to leave without giving me a paper is looking at a failing grade.
CU on Xander sitting in the back of his row behind WILLOW. Buffy is to Willow's right and they both get ready to go.
Ha, ha, ha. This time I'm ready for you. No 'F' for Xander today. No, this baby's my ticket to a sweet D-minus.
The three of them start for the door. Willow sees AMY MADISON and stops her.
Hey, Amy.
Hey. Are you guys going to the Valentine's Day dance at the Bronze? I think it's going to be a lot of fun.
Willow turns to look at Buffy with a huge smile on her face.
Go ahead. You know you want to say it.
Willow faces Amy again, beaming.
My boyfriend's in the band!
Cool.
Willow looks back at Buffy, immensely pleased.
I think you've now told everybody.
Only in this hemisphere.
What about you?
Oh, Valentine's Day is just a cheap gimmick to sell cards and chocolate.
Bad breakup, huh?
Believe me when I say, 'uh-huh'.
They all walk up to the teacher's desk and Buffy hands in her paper.
Thank you.
Buffy heads out of the room as Willow holds up her paper as well. Xander is just making his way down the aisle behind Amy.
Thank you.
Willow follows Buffy out. Amy stands in front of Mrs. Beakman and stares her down. There is a long silence as Amy concentrates on staring into the teacher's eyes. Xander, standing behind Amy, slowly loses his smile as he sees what's going on. A moment later Mrs. Beakman smiles at Amy and gestures as though she's accepting a paper from her.
Thank you, Amy.
Amy smiles and starts out of the classroom. Xander comes up to the desk, staring open-mouthed after Amy, and hands his paper in also.
Buffy and Willow, walking down the stairs. Amy hops down past them with a big smile on her face and heads into the lounge.
I just hate to think of you solo on Valentine's Day.
The two of them head down the hall. Xander reaches the bottom of the stairs behind them and watches Amy go off in the other direction.
I'll be fine. Mom and I are going to have a pig-out and vid fest. It's a time-honored tradition among the loveless.
Did you guys see that?
See what?
In class. I think Amy just worked some magic on Mrs. Beakman.
You mean like witchcraft?
You know, her mom's a witch.
And an amateur psycho. Amy's the last person that should be messing with that stuff.
Maybe I should go talk to her.
GILES sees them coming his way and calls out.
Buffy! Buffy... might I have a word?
Have a sentence, even.
Oh. Good. Well...
He happens to glance off to the side, into JENNY CALENDAR's classroom as she's talking to a student by the door.
Back it up before you leave.
Jenny steps into the hall and stops when she sees Giles. They exchange an awkward look and Buffy turns sadly away. Jenny shrugs and offers Giles a wan smile.
Rupert.
Ms. Calendar.
She hesitates briefly, then steps toward him.
I'm glad we ran into each other, actually. I was hoping that we could... (gestures toward her classroom) Do you have a minute?
It's obvious that Giles is uncomfortable.
Actually, not just now. I have a matter to discuss with Buffy.
Right. Let's go.
She spares Jenny a quick glance, then squeezes between her and Giles, heading for the library. Xander and Willow watch in pained silence as Giles looks up at Jenny for a moment, then slowly turns to follow Buffy. Jenny drops her arms in despair, glances at Xander and Willow and moves off down the hall in the opposite direction.
Buffy sits at the table watching Giles who seems uncharacteristically distracted.
Are you okay?
Me? I'll be fine. I was more concerned about you, actually. Since Angel... turned, I've been reading up on his earlier activities... you know, feeding patterns and the like.
And?
Around Valentine's Day, he's rather prone to... well, brutal displays of... (beat) He would think of it as affection, I suppose.
Like what?
No, need to go into details.
That bad?
Suffice it to say I think it would be best if you stayed off the streets for a few nights. I'll patrol and keep an eye on things. Better safe than sorry.
It's a little late for both.
DRUSILLA opens a jewelry case and inside is a gold necklace with rubies set into an integrated pendant. Pan over to SPIKE in his wheelchair.
Fancy it, pet?
Ahhh. It's beautiful.
Nothing but the best for my gi--
ANGELUS walks up to the table and sets down a human heart, fresh and bloody. He smiles over at Spike, then down at Drusilla.
Happy Valentine's Day, Dru.
Drusilla is ecstatic.
Oh... Angel!
Angelus raises his eyebrows in victory at Spike who closes his eyes and lets out a deep breath, then stares back at Angelus.
It's still warm...
I knew you'd like it. I found it in a quaint little shopgirl.
He sees the necklace and picks it up, examining it closely.
Cute. Here.
He moves to put the necklace on Drusilla and she pulls her hair back and away so he can close the clasp around her neck. Spike wheels toward them, upset with Angelus' presumption.
I'll get it.
Done. I know Dru gives you pity access but you have to admit it's so much easier when I do things for her.
Spike makes a valiant effort to control his anger.
You would do well to worry less about Dru and more about that Slayer you've been tramping around with.
Angelus rolls his eyes.
Dear Buffy... I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.
Why don't you rip her lungs out? It might make an impression.
Lacks... poetry.
It doesn't have to. (considers) What rhymes with lungs?
Don't worry, Spike. Angel always knows... (re: bloody heart) what speaks to a girl's heart.
OZ and DEVON's band, Dingoes Ate My Baby, are playing and Xander is at a table with Willow, absently turning a jewelry box around in his hands.
Willow watches the band play and bobs her head to the beat while she steals smiles with Oz on stage. Xander stares off into space, oblivious to the music.
Oz has his cool hair today. (excited) I think I'm a groupie!
Cordelia comes out of the restroom. She scans the crowd until she sees Harmony and the rest of her friends.
Oh, hey!
All she receives are looks of disgust.
Let's get out of here.
Cordelia stands there, dumbfounded, as they snub her.
Buffy and JOYCE lounge on the couch, watching TV. The coffee table in front of them is full of plates of cookies, cheese puffs and other snacks and Buffy has a bowl of popcorn in her lap. They hear a knock at the door and Buffy reluctantly surrenders the popcorn bowl to go answer it.
Here.
Buffy opens it and looks out. No one is there. Puzzled, she looks further out and in both directions, then shrugs and closes the door. When she steps back into the living room, her mother is gone. She looks behind her, through the foyer and into the dining room beyond. Joyce is nowhere to be seen.
Mom?
She walks through the dining room and into the kitchen.
Mom?
She walks around the island, then quickly out the window when she hears a noise but sees nothing and continues toward the kitchen door. She's about to go out the back door when she's startled by her mother coming back in from outside.
Buffy, it's me.
Yeah. You just startled me a little.
I was just checking the back door. Somebody left these for you.
She sets a long black box with a black bow on the island for Buffy to see. She looks up at her mother and raises her eyebrows for an instant before lifting the lid off the box. Joyce looks down, curious to see what's in it. Buffy stares at the dozen red roses along with a card bearing a single word
SoonHer mother looks up at her with a little smile but it fades when she sees both anger and fear in her daughter's eyes.
Xander looks around and spots Cordelia sitting alone at a table. He slowly gets to his feet and walks over to her. She notices him coming and stands to meet him.
Hey.
Your clothes... you look so good.
Oh. I let Buffy dress me. Well, not physically.
Perfect. You had to make this harder, didn't you?
Okay, clearly the fact that I please you visually has got us off on the wrong foot here.
Xander--
Let me finish. I've been thinking a lot about us lately... the why and the wherefore. You know, once, twice, a kissy here, a kissy there and you can chalk it all up to hormones. And maybe that's all we have here. Tawdry teen lust. But maybe not. Maybe something in you sees something special inside me. (beat) And vice versa. I mean, I think I do. See something. So...
He takes out the jewelry box and hands it to her. Holds up the pendant.
Xander... thank you. It's beautiful. (sighs) I want to break up.
Okay, not quite the reaction I was looking for.
I know. I'm sorry. It's just... who are we kidding? Even if parts of us do see specialness, we don't fit.
Xander's anger slowly builds to a crescendo.
Yeah! Okay... do you know what's a good day to break up with somebody? Any day besides Valentine's Day! I mean, what? Were you running low on dramatic irony?
I know. I didn't mean to do it this way. I--
Well, you did.
Xander holds her gaze for a moment before turning and stalking off. Cordelia stares down at the pendant, confused.
Xander mopes along the corridor. Another student passes by.
Dude. (pats Xander's shoulder) Way to get dumped.
Xander bears his humiliation well and looks up to see Buffy approaching. He takes her hand and stops her.
Oh, Buffy, my bud, you will not believe--
Can't talk right now. Angel.
Do you need help?
It's all right.
She quickly resumes her rapid trek to the library. Xander watches her go, then continues down the hall. A group of girls passes him, staring at him and giggling. He sighs and proceeds onward when Harmony's mocking voice calls to him. He stops and looks over at her.
Gee, Xander, maybe you should learn a second language so that even more girls can reject you.
She and the other girls laugh in his face. Stung, Xander retreats farther down the hall. A moment later he notices Amy heading toward the stairs in front of him. He looks back for an instant and then rushes over to her, takes her by the arm and pulls her aside.
What are you doing?
Amy. Good to see you. (beat) You're a witch.
No, I'm not. That was my mom, remember?
Yeah, I'm thinking it runs in the family. I saw you working that mojo on Mrs. Beakman. Maybe I should go tell somebody about--
That's not even... (angry) That is so mean!
Blackmail is such an ugly word.
I didn't say blackmail.
Yeah, but I'm about to blackmail you so I thought I'd bring it up.
What do you want?
What do I want? I want some respect around here. I want, for once, to come out ahead. I want the Hellmouth to be working for me. You and me, Amy... we're gonna cast a little spell.
Amy looks past him at Cordelia sitting with Harmony, then smiles at him.
An empty classroom. Xander closes the door behind him as he follows Amy in.
A love spell?
Yeah. You know, just the basic can't eat, can't sleep, can't breathe anything but little old moi.
Well, that kind of thing is the hardest! I mean, to make someone love you for all eternity?
Whoa! Whoa, back up. Who said anything about eternity? A man can only talk self-tanning lotion for so long before his head explodes.
Well, then I don't get it. If you don't want to be with her forever, then what's the point?
The point is I want her to want me. Desperately. So I can break up with her and subject her to the same hell she's been puttin' me through.
Oh, I don't know, Xander. Intent has to be pure with love spells.
Right. I intend revenge. Pure as the driven snow. Now, are you going to play or do we need to have another chat about invisible homework?
I'll need something of hers. A personal object.
All right.
He smiles and leaves the room.
Giles sits at the table studying a book as Buffy strides in. She slaps the card that came with the roses into the book in front of him. Giles startles a bit and looks up.
'Soon' what, Giles? You never held out on me until the big, bad thing in the dark became my ex-honey.
Where did this come from?
He said it with flowers. Look, this isn't the time to start becoming Mr. Protective Guy. I can't just hang around and I can't prepare when I don't know what's coming.
No, of course. You're right. Sit down.
Xander sees Cordelia coming and waits for her. She spots him, pivots and hurries the other way. Xander catches up and passes her, then spins around to stop her in her tracks.
Oh, come on, don't flatter yourself. I'm not going to make a big scene. I just want the necklace back.
What? I thought it was a gift.
No. Last night it was a gift. Today it's scrap metal. Figure I can melt it down and sell it for fillings or something.
You're pathetic!
Come on, I'm not going to add to the Cordelia Chase castoff collection.
It's in my locker.
I can wait.
She hesitates a moment, then goes over to her locker. Xander steps to the side of the hall and waits patiently. She opens the locker and turns away so he can't see what she's doing, then pulls the necklace and pendant out from beneath her blouse. She undoes the clasp, takes it off and lets out a deep breath, then closes her locker, steps over to him and hands him the necklace.
Here. It's a good thing we broke up. Now I don't have to pretend I like it.
Xander is hurt all over again but he doesn't show it. Cordelia walks off, leaving him alone.
Xander is holding a candle and sitting bare-chested and cross-legged on the floor inside a large red symbol for female fertility painted on the floor. Three red vertical stripes are painted on his chest. Amy is at a lab table waving the locket over her witch's brew, which is boiling in a beaker over a Bunsen burner.
Diana... Goddess of Love and the Hunt... I pray to thee. Let my cries bind the heart of Xander's beloved. (lowers the necklace into the brew) May she neither rest nor sleep until she submits to his will only.
The flame of the burner shoots high as the power of the spell emanates from the beaker and swirls above and between her hands.
Diana, bring about this love and bless it.
The tendrils of energy fall back into the beaker and disappear.
Blow out the candle now!
The spell's power has dissipated. Xander blows out the candle and we
Xander sees Cordelia and her friends sitting at a table and goes over to them with confidence. He rests one hand on the table and leans over it next to Cordelia, looking around at all the girls and smiling. Cordelia looks up at him.
What?
Morning, ladies. (to Cordelia) Some kind of weather we've been having, huh?
What do you want? You can't be sniffing around for more jewelry to melt because all you ever gave me was that Smallmart- looking thing.
Is this love? 'Cause maybe on you it doesn't look that different.
What are you doing? Are you going like stalker-boy on me now?
Sorry. My mistake.
Yeah, I should say so.
He walks away. She looks incredulously at the other girls at the table.
What is his deal?
Giles sits with Buffy on the table looking through a book.
Look, here's another. Here. 'Valentine's Day.' Yes, 'Angel nails a puppy to the...'
Skip it.
But it--
I don't want to know. I don't have a puppy. Skip it.
Right you are. I'll get another batch.
As he heads into his office, Xander walks in.
I have a plan: we use me as bait.
You mean make Angel come after you?
No, I mean chop me into little pieces and stick me on hooks for fish to nibble at because it would be more fun than my life.
Yeah. I heard about you and Cordy. That's her loss.
Yeah. Not really the popular theory.
You know what I'd like? Why don't you and I do something together tonight? Just the two of us.
Xander is stunned.
Really?
Yeah. We can comfort each other.
Well, would lap dancing enter into that scenario at all? 'Cause I find that very comforting.
She stands up, stares into his eyes and takes a step closer to him.
Play your cards right...
Okay... you do know that I'm Xander, right?
I don't know, I just... heard that you and Cordy broke up and I guess I was just surprised how glad I was. It's funny... (leans close) how you can see someone every day but not really see them. You know?
Yeah, it's funny. And it's just gettin' funnier.
She puts her finger to his lips to quiet him and slowly leans toward him for a kiss. Behind them Amy walks into the library.
Xander, can I talk to you for a minute?
Buffy pulls back slightly. Xander looks at Amy, back at Buffy, then at Amy again, frustrated at the interruption.
Yeah, okay.
Amy walks out with Xander right behind her. He makes sure the door is closed, looks in through the window at Buffy for a second and then gives his attention to Amy.
Xander.
Yeah.
I don't think the spell worked out right.
Oh, yeah, it bombed. No biggie.
Well, we can always try again.
He looks back through the window and sees Buffy looking out at him.
I am still pretty new at this.
Oh, no. It's okay. You know what? It was wrong to meddle with the forces of darkness. I see that now. I think we've all grown. I gotta go.
He starts back into the library and she stops him.
Oh, we don't have to cast any spells.
He sees Buffy staring out at him with her finger between her lips.
We can just... hang out.
Sure. (beat) What?
Well, I liked spending time with you. You're so sweet. You know, it's funny how you can... you can see a person every day and...
It begins to dawn on Xander what has happened.
Not really see them.
He looks in at Buffy again. She's still staring out at him, playing with her hair.
Exactly. So, anyway, I thought it might...
One of Cordelia's minions approaches them.
Hi, Xander.
What?
You're in Mr. Baird's history class, right?
Yeah.
I thought maybe we could study together tonight.
Do you mind? We were talking.
As the two girls glare at each other, Xander begins to worry.
I really gotta go. Right now.
He heads off down the hall and they both hungrily watch him go.
Xander barges in and slams the door behind him. He sits down on his bed and takes a deep breath. Behind him, Willow sits up from under the covers wearing one of his shirts and touches him on the back. Xander jumps up in surprise and stares at her in shock.
Sorry. I wanted to surprise you.
Good job! High marks.
Don't be so jumpy. I've been in your bed before.
Yeah, but Will, we were both in footy pajamas.
Xand, I've been thinking.
Will, I think I know what you've been thinking. But this is all my fault. I cast a spell and it sort of backfired.
How long have we been friends?
A long, long time. Too long to do anything that might change that now.
Well, friendships change all the time. People grow apart. They grow closer.
This is good! How close we are now. I feel very comfortable with this amount of closeness. In fact, I can even back up a few paces and still be happy. (steps back) See?
She gets up from the bed and approaches him. His shirt is the only thing she's wearing.
I want you, Xander... to be my first!
--baseman! Please tell me we're talking baseball.
He starts to back up when she reaches him. She puts her hands on his chest.
Shhh.
He backs into the door as she caresses his chest and leans toward him for a kiss.
We both know it's right.
It's not that I don't find you sexy.
Is it Oz? Don't worry about him. He's sweet but... he's not you.
Yes, he is. And you should go to him. 'Cause he's me.
Willow ignores him and starts to suck on his earlobe. Xander is sweating bullets now, no idea how to handle this.
I don't want to use force.
She smiles wickedly.
Mmm. Force is okay!
She tries for his ear again but he takes her arms and pushes her away. She stares at him in confusion.
That's it! This has gotta stop. It's time for me to act like a man. And hide.
He bolts from the room leaving Willow all alone.
Cordelia approaches her friends who are all huddled together in the hallway. When they see her they stop talking and turn as a group to face her with their arms crossed.
Ha. Very funny. What did I do now, wear red and purple together?
You know what you did. Xander is wounded because of you.
Are you tripping? I thought you wanted me to break up with him!
Only a sick pup would let Xander get away, no matter what her friends said.
They walk off and leaving a stunned Cordelia all alone again.
What does it take to make you people happy?
Low angle on Xander's shoes as he pushes open the doors and walks into the hall in slow motion.
As he looks nervously around him, we see that all the girls in the school are eyeing him appreciatively. Some are hopelessly in love, others are giving him looks of wanton lust, but all have their attention riveted on him.
As Xander moves down the hall we see that Xander is also the center of attention for the male population of Sunnydale High as well and they are clearly not pleased with him for stealing the attention of their girlfriends.
Behind him, the girls start to gather and follow. Several girls cross directly in front of him and unabashedly check him out.
Xander looks around in disbelief.
Xander walks in, closes the door behind him and checks to see if any of the girls are following. Satisfied he has no stalkers, he heads into the library to find Giles.
Xander. What is it?
It, it's me... throwing myself at your mercy.
What? Why?
I made a mess, Giles. See, I found out that Amy's into witchcraft and I was hurt, I guess, so I... made her put the love whammy on Cordy but it backfired and now every woman in Sunnydale wants to make me her cuddle monkey, which may sound swell on paper but...
Jenny enters the library behind them and strides purposefully to Giles.
Rupert, we need to talk. Hey, Xander. Nice shirt. Look, Rupert, I know that you're angry at me and I don't blame you, but I am not just going to go away. I mean, I care far too much about you to... (looks at Xander) Have you been working out?
Xander gives Giles a 'see what I mean?' look and Giles takes Jenny by the arms and pulls her away and behind him.
Oh!
She stares at Xander with frank desire. Giles looks at her, at Xander, back at her, and finally back at Xander.
I cannot believe that you are fool enough to do something like this!
Oh, no, I'm twice the fool it takes to do something like this.
Has... has Amy tried to reverse the spell?
I get around Amy and all she wants to do is talk honeymoon plans.
Rupert, maybe I need to talk to Xander alone.
Do you have any idea how serious this is? People under a love spell, Xander, are deadly. They lose all capacity for reason.
He looks at Jenny who has begun seductively running her hands over her entire body.
And if what you say is true and the entire female population is affected, I... (beat) Don't leave the library. I'll find Amy and see if we can put a stop to this thing.
He starts to leave the library. Jenny, alone at last with Xander, sashays up to him. He steps back away from her. Giles comes back, takes Jenny by the hand and pulls her out of the library behind him. Jenny moans and reaches her arm out to Xander as Giles drags her off.
No!
Xander quickly moves to push the mobile card catalog in front of the doors to keep out unwanted advances. As he heads back toward the table Buffy opens the door and steps in wearing only high heels and a short black raincoat that extends to mid-thigh. When Xander hears the door swing shut and smack the card catalog behind him he spins around and stares at Buffy in shock. She strikes a seductive pose and smiles at him lustfully.
Alone at last.
Xander stares at her in open-mouthed amazement.
Buff, give me a heart attack!
Oh, I'm going to give you more than that.
She slinks toward him, undoing the belt to the raincoat as she comes.
Buff, for the love of god, don't open that raincoat.
Come on! It's a party! Aren't you going to open your present?
Xander backs away from her, tripping over the stairs. Buffy stands over him, straddling him with her bare legs.
It's not that I don't want to. Sometimes the remote impossible possibility that you might like me was all that sustained me. But not now. Not like this. This isn't real to you. You're only here because of a spell. I mean, if I thought you had one clue what it would mean to me... but you don't. So I can't.
So you're saying this is all a game?
A game? I... no!
You make me feel this way and then you reject me? What am I, a toy?
Buffy, please calm down.
I'll calm down when you explain yourself!
Amy enters the library, angry.
Get away from him. He's mine.
Oh, I don't think so. (to Xander) Xander, tell her.
What? I...
He doesn't have to say. I know what his heart wants.
Funny, I know what your face wants.
She swings and decks Amy who falls to the floor like a sack of rocks. Buffy confronts Xander.
What is this, you're two-timing me?
Xander doesn't know what to say. Amy gets up; her nose is bloody and her eyes have become pitch-black. She begins to weave a spell with her hands.
Goddess Hecate, work thy will.
Uh-oh.
The spell's energy swirls around her.
Before thee let the unclean thing crawl!
She thrusts her arms out at Buffy and the power of the spell leaps from her hands and envelops the Slayer.
The energy soon dissipates. Xander stares in utter disbelief.
Buffy! Oh, my god!
Xander looks down at Buffy's empty raincoat lying on the floor, then back up at Amy. Giles comes back into the library with Jenny.
What just happened?
Buffy.
Jenny smiles broadly when she sees Xander and tries to go to him but Giles holds her back.
Where is she?
They both look down at the raincoat. A large rat crawls out of one of the sleeves.
Oh, my god!
Why is she here?
Can you focus for a minute? You just turned Buffy into a rat.
Buffy scampers across the floor.
Buffy can take care of herself. (takes his arm) Why don't we go someplace private?
Jenny fumes and stares daggers at Amy. Giles looks around frantically for Buffy.
Can you... I'm not going anywhere until you change her back.
You heard him. So why don't you undo your little magick trick and get lost?
Who made you Queen of the World? (beat) Well, you're old enough to be.
Well, what can I say? I guess Xander's just too much man for the pimple squad.
Jenny grabs Xander by the shirt and Amy puts her arm between them and pushes Xander away from Jenny. She waves her hands before her and begins to cast another spell. Her eyes turn pitch-black and energy begins to swirl around her as she speaks.
Goddess Hecate, to you I pray... with this--
Xander clamps his hand over Amy's mouth.
Would you quit with the Hecate!
Cordelia is at her locker. She starts down the hall, but runs into Harmony and friends who are waiting to confront her.
Okay, what now? You don't like my locker combination?
It's just not right. You never loved him. You just used him. You make me sick.
Okay, Harmony, if you need to borrow my Midol, just ask.
Harmony slaps Cordelia hard across the face. Stunned, Cordelia holds her hand to her face and looks at Harmony in shock. She turns to leave, but one of the Cordettes blocks her way and pushes her up against the lockers. Then she and another girl pull her away from the wall and shove her down to the floor.
Giles has had enough and handles Amy and Jenny.
You two, sit. And be quiet. We have to catch the Buffy rat.
Oh, there!
Buffy squeezes behind a bookcase as he rushes to try to catch her. Amy and Jenny sit down at the table across from one another, staring daggers. Xander misses Buffy, but crawling behind the bookshelf. He quickly crawls along the front of the case to head her off. Giles monitors the other end.
Good Buffy. Just--
He sees someone come up to him and looks up. Oz stands over him and without warning punches him in the face. He stumbles backward into the shelves as Oz shakes out his hand. Buffy makes her escape from behind the bookcase and shoots out the library doors into the hall.
That kinda hurt.
Kinda! What was that for?
I was on the phone all night, listening to Willow cry about you. Now, I don't know exactly what happened but I was left with a very strong urge to... hit you.
He offers his hand to help Xander up.
I didn't touch her. I swear.
Xander! Where's Buffy?
Amy turned her into a rat.
Oh.
Giles and Xander and Oz get on their knees and look for Buffy.
I don't see her. If anything happens to her, I'll... oh, just go home. Lock yourself away. You're only going to cause more problems here. Now, Amy, Jenny and I will try and break the spell. Oz, if you could aid us in finding... Buffy.
Sure. Absolutely.
Xander starts to say something, but Giles cuts him off before he can get out a word, doing his best to control his anger.
Just go. Get out of my sight.
Xander retreats in the face of Giles' anger and leaves with his head hung low. Oz crouches back down to look for Buffy.
Buffy...
As Xander comes out of the library, he hears Cordelia cry out and looks down the hall toward her voice.
What are you doing? You guys are crazy!
He sees a group of girls apparently involved in a catfight.
You thought you could do better, is that it?
No, I--
We'll knock that snotty attitude right out of you!
Xander sees through the crowd that it is indeed Cordelia that they are attacking. He starts running toward them and when they see him coming several of them break off and come at him, screaming and shouting. In their lust they try to grab
him as the others push Cordelia to the floor. He fights his way through them and over to Cordelia, where one girl has begun pulling at her hair.
Ow! Stop!
When he reaches her, he pushes the hair-pulling girl aside, lifts Cordelia into his arms and shakes the girls off as he runs from the hall. They all chase after him.
Jenny paces while Giles sits at the table and pages through his books. Amy, seated opposite him, wipes the blood from her nose.
You must have botched the ritual so that Cordelia's necklace actually protected her from the spell. That one should be easily reversible. Where did you learn animal transformation?
Why did you send Xander away? He needs me.
That's a laugh.
He loves me. We look into each other's souls.
No one can love two people at once. What we have is real.
Instead of making me ill, why doesn't one of you try to help me?
You have no idea what I'm going through.
I know it's not love. It's obsession. Selfish, banal obsession. Now, Xander has put himself in very great danger. If you cared at all about him, you'd help me save him rather than wittering on about your feelings.
Amy looks away from him as Jenny gets up and goes out the door. Giles indicates the book in front of Amy.
Now, let's get on with some work. (turns to Jenny) Now Jenny... great!
Xander and Cordelia run out of the school.
I think we lost 'em.
He turns to find a huge crowd of girls waiting for him outside. Willow is at the front of the crowd holding a large fire ax.
I should've known I'd find you with her.
Will... come on, you don't want to hurt me.
Oh, no? You don't know how hard this is for me. I love you so much! I'd rather see you dead than with that bitch.
She raises the ax and advances toward him. The others start toward him as well. Harmony and her friends come running out of the hall behind them and confront the crowd. Harmony seizes Willow's ax and wrestles her for it.
Get away from him! He's mine!
As the girls all fight Xander and Cordelia make their escape. When the girls realize they've gone they give chase.
Buffy scampers in and hops down the steps toward the boiler room. Oz has managed to track her and comes down the steps behind her with a flashlight. When he reaches the bottom of the steps he scans around. Buffy zips into the boiler room and Oz follows. Suddenly a cat appears and hisses at Buffy, chasing her out of the room.
Buffy's street. Xander and Cordelia run down the sidewalk, eventually slowing to a fast walk.
Okay, now I really think we've lost them.
Damn it, Xander, what's going on? Who died and made you Elvis?
Buffy's house. Let's get inside. I'll explain later.
They run up to the door and Xander knocks fast and loud, looking back to see if the crowd of girls has found them yet. Cordelia joins in the knocking.
Come on!
Joyce finally opens the door.
Xander, Cordelia, what--
They push their way in past her.
Yeah, hi.
Cordelia slams the door shut behind her and she and Xander look out the small windows in the door to make sure there's still no one following them.
Xander walks in with Joyce and Cordelia close behind.
What happened? Why are you all scratched up? Where's Buffy?
She's... around.
Well, sit down and tell me about it. (to Cordelia) Why don't you run upstairs and grab some bandages out of the bathroom?
Cordelia heads down the hall toward the stairs. Joyce looks at Xander again.
Let me get you something to drink. You in the mood for cold or hot?
He shrugs and Joyce walks around behind him and begins rubbing his shoulders.
I think it's more of a hot night, don't you?
Whatever.
Oh, you are so tense. (kisses his neck) Mmm.
Cordelia comes back just in time to witness the kiss.
What are you doing? Make me yak!
Cordelia, go back upstairs. This is between us.
Gross! I think not.
She takes Joyce by the arm and pushes her back toward the door and opens it.
What are you doing? Hey! Get your hands off me!
Cordelia pushes her out of the door, slams it shut and locks it.
And keep your mom-aged mitts off my boyfriend. Former! (to Xander) Why has everyone gone insane?
Insane? Is it so impossible for you to believe that other women find me attractive?
The only way you could get girls to want you would be witchcraft.
That is such a... well, yeah okay, good point.
Joyce breaks one of the kitchen door windowpanes.
Oh, my god!
Joyce reaches in and feels around for the lock.
Xander, honey, let Joycie in. Hon, let Joycie in!
Xander gets up, takes Cordelia and runs out of the kitchen.
Upstairs! Buffy's room!
Sweetheart...
They run in and Cordelia slams the door shut. Xander goes to the window and checks outside.
Good. The mob still hasn't found us. We should be safer up here.
Suddenly Angelus yanks him out onto the roof.
Works in theory.
Xander!
Having eluded the cat, Buffy crawls around, following a scent. Pan past some crates over to a trap baited with cheese.
Angelus seizes Xander by the shirt.
Where's Buffy?
Cordelia leans out the window.
Cordy, get outta here!
Angelus throws him off of the roof to the lawn below. He leaps down after him and stands over him.
Angelus hauls Xander to his feet.
Perfect. I wanted to do something special for Buffy-- actually to Buffy-- but this is so much better!
Xander knees him in the crotch, but Angelus isn't fazed. He flips Xander over backward onto the grass again. He bends down, grabs Xander's hair and lifts his head up.
If it's any consolation, I feel very close to you right now.
A hand grabs Angelus by the shoulder, pulls him up and throws him aside into a tree. He hits hard and slides down to the ground. Groggy, Xander looks up at his savior.
Buffy, how...
Drusilla helps him up.
Don't fret, kitten. Mummy's here.
I don't know what you're up to, Dru but it doesn't amuse!
She snarls at Angelus and he growls back. She strokes Xander's hair.
If you harm one hair on this boy's head...
You've gotta be kidding. Him?
Just because I finally found a real man...
I guess I really did drive you crazy.
Drusilla runs her fingers across Xander's lips.
Your face is a poem. I can read it.
Really? It doesn't say 'spare me' by any chance?
Shhh. (kisses him) How do you feel about eternal life?
We couldn't just start with a coffee? A movie, maybe?
Drusilla jerks his head to the side, exposing his neck, and lowers her fangs. Just as she's about to sink her dripping teeth into his flesh, she's distracted by the screams of a mob of women running toward them. Willow is in the lead with her ax and Jenny and the rest are right behind. Some of the others have weapons as well.
There he is! Get them!
He's mine! Get off!
Drusilla lets go of Xander and Willow shoves her aside. Jenny jumps onto Xander and knocks him to the ground. All the girls are screaming. Several of them including Harmony begin to paw at him. Willow stands over him with her ax as Cordelia rushes out of the house toward the mob. Xander is pinned down and Willow raises her ax to strike.
All you had to do was love me!
No!
She grabs the ax and shoves Willow to the ground, then tries to free Xander.
Get out of the way! Move it! Get off him!
She pushes off the girl pinning him, takes his hand and pulls him up.
Back off!
She pushes him ahead of her, and they run back to the house. They barely manage to slam the door in the faces of their pursuers.
Drusilla hits the door with both hands and it goes crashing to the floor. Two girls rush in ahead of the vampiress.
I love you!
When Drusilla tries to follow them, she is stopped by an invisible barrier. Angelus watches from the lawn.
Sorry, Dru. I guess you're not invited.
Xander and Cordy huddle inside the front door. Joyce steals up behind them holding a large knife.
It's never going to work for us, Xander. We have to end it.
The other two girls rush up behind Joyce. Cordelia yelps in fright as Xander pulls her away from the door.
Xander and Cordelia storm down the stairs. He pulls the door closed behind him and hooks it shut.
Oz continues searching with a flashlight.
Here, Buffy.
The mousetrap. Pan from it over to a pile of rags. Buffy climbs over the pile and heads for the trap.
Giles and Amy have a beaker of brew bubbling over a Bunsen burner. Giles checks everything and is satisfied.
Right. (to Amy) Go on. You first.
The door trembles violently as it is battered from outside. Xander has hammered a couple of boards across the doorframe and looks back at Cordelia.
Give me a nail!
She hands him a nail and he goes back to hammering.
If we die in here I'm going to kick your ass! I mean it!
None of this would've happened if you hadn't broken up with me. But no, you're so desperate to be popular!
Me? I'm not the one who embraced the Black Arts just to get the girls to like me. Well, congratulations, it worked!
Would've worked fine except your hide's so thick, not even magick can penetrate it!
She doesn't expect that and reaches out to him.
You mean the spell was for me?
They look at each other for a moment, then a knife blade stabs through the door. Cordelia screams, and they both run down the steps. Once at the bottom they hear glass breaking and see a hand reach in through the basement window.
Oh, please let me touch you!
Buffy crawls onto the mousetrap.
Amy begins her incantation.
Goddess of creatures great and small, I conjure thee to withdraw. Hecate, I hereby license thee to depart.
Giles sprinkles powder into the beaker and it sparks.
A bright light flashes from behind the crate where Buffy is flirting with the mousetrap. Oz squints against the blinding light. In a few seconds it's over.
Buffy?
Buffy's blonde and completely human head pops up from behind the crate and she looks about in confusion.
Cordelia screams as Willow finally gets the door open.
Oh, my god!
Xander spots a large pipe wrench and grabs it to use as a weapon.
Stay behind me.
Willow ducks under the boards nailed across the doorframe and starts down the stairs. Joyce is right behind her with a butcher knife. A crowd of girls follows them. Cordelia and Xander retreat into the corner by the water heater.
Giles takes a pinch of herb from a jar.
Diana, Goddess of Love, be gone.
He drops the herb into the brew and it sparks.
Hear no more thy siren's song.
Willow leads the way in. When they find Xander and Cordelia the mob charges them, screaming and shouting. They knock Xander and Cordelia to the floor.
Get off!
Willow has dropped her ax and paws at them like the others. Xander struggles to keep from being torn apart.
Giles waves Cordelia's pendant over the brew and drops it in. Suddenly a cloud of energy appears above them and they have to hold on to the lab table to keep from being flattened by the shockwave. The energy draws in from the windows and spirals down into the beaker. As quickly as it was there, it's gone.
The gang of girls stops struggling. Cordelia pushes one of them away.
Get off me!
They all stand up and look around at each other in confusion.
What's going on? Where am I? What's going on?
Buffy stands up and Oz raises his flashlight and shines it on her. She looks down at herself in horror. When he sees that Buffy is completely naked, he quickly turns off the light. She wraps her arms around herself to cover up.
Hi, Oz!
Hi.
I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here.
But you're not a rat. So call it an upside.
You think maybe you could get me some clothing?
Yes, I can. Just... don't go anywhere.
Really not an issue.
Everyone is still confused. Joyce looks around at all the people in her basement.
What... what did we...
Boy, that was the best scavenger hunt ever.
She and Xander smile lamely at everyone.
Xander and Buffy walk around the corner toward the library.
Scavenger hunt.
Your mom seemed to buy it.
So she says. I think she's just so wigged at hitting on one of my friends that she's repressing. She's getting pretty good at that. I should probably start worrying.
Well, I'm back to being incredibly unpopular.
It's better than everyone trying to ax-murder you, right?
Mostly, but... Willow won't even talk to me.
Any particular reason she should?
How much groveling are we talking here?
Oh, a month, at least. (serious) Xander, come on. I mean... this is worse for her than anyone. She loved you before you invoked the great Roofie spirit. The rest of us...
You remember, huh?
Oh, yeah. I remember coming on to you, I remember begging you to undress me... and then a sudden need for cheese. (beat) I also remember that you didn't.
Need cheese?
Undress me. It meant a lot to me what you said.
C'mon, Buffy, I couldn't take advantage of you like that. Okay, for a minute, it was touch and go there...
You came through. There might just be hope for you yet.
Well, tell that to Cordelia.
You're on your own there.
She heads off down the hall leaving Xander alone.
Cordelia, Harmony and friends are walking as a group, Cordelia restored to her rightful place as queen of the school.
Cody Weinberg called me at home last night.
Cody Weinberg? The one with the 350sl?
The very one. Said he's thinking of asking me to the pledge dance on Thursday.
That's so huge!
Yeah, there's just two other girls he's going to ask first and if they refuse, then I'll--
Xander bumps into Harmony as they round the corner to the stairs.
Watch it!
Sorry.
God! You know, I'm glad your mom stopped working at the drive-through long enough to dress you. (to Cordelia) Oh, that reminds me, did you see Jennifer's backpack? It is so a crying--
Harmony, shut up. Do you know what you are, Harmony? You're a sheep.
Xander stops and looks back.
I'm not a sheep.
You're a sheep. All you ever do is what everyone else does just so you can say you did it first. And here I am, scrambling for your approval when I'm way cooler than you are 'cause I'm not a sheep. I do what I want to do and I wear what I want to wear. And you know what? I'll date whoever the hell I want to date. No matter how lame he is.
Xander's smiles fades a bit. Cordelia leaves the group and goes over to him. He smiles again. When she reaches him she takes his arm and they start walking together along the colonnade. She is nearly hyperventilating with anxiety.
Oh, god! Oh, god!
You're gonna be okay. Just keep walkin'.
Oh, god, what have I done? They're never going to speak to me again!
Oh, sure they are. If it helps, whenever we're around them you and I can fight a lot.
You promise?
He takes her hand in his and smiles at her.
You can pretty much count on it.