[Transcript of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" episode Homecoming at buffyology.com.]
BUFFY, WILLOW and OZ sit at the bar nursing sodas and snacks. Buffy seems preoccupied as she idly plays with a cookie. CORDELIA and XANDER walk in behind them and take a place at the end of the bar.
I think we should get a limo.
A limo?
Yeah!
A big, expensive limo?
That sounds like fun! And it is our last Homecoming Dance, so maybe we should make a big deal of it.
You want to talk fun? Public bus. You meet the funnest people.
Cordelia can't believe her boyfriend is so cheap.
Back me up here, Oz.
Well, if it's a dollar issue, we could all take my van.
Van? The Homecoming Queen doesn't go to the dance in a van. Use your head.
Willow rolls her eyes.
Well, technically you haven't been elected yet. (off her look) Although you certainly and without a doubt will be. (to the others) Who else likes a limo?
A private limo! It is pretty... (re: Oz) cuddlesome. And if we all split the cost...
Maybe. You know, if I go and all.
SCOTT sees Buffy and starts to head toward her.
Why wouldn't you go? You already have your tickets. I mean, unless you don't have a da-- (notices Scott) --ay or two to think about it. We should all think about it.
What's going on here? Did Scott not ask her to the Homecoming Dance yet?
Thanks, Cordelia. Humiliation's really good for my color.
Well, no. I just... I assumed that you would think it was corny or something but I'm in... I mean, you know, if you are, if you want to.
Sure... I do. You know, if you want to.
Well, I do if you want to.
The judges will accept that as a 'yes'.
Do you want me to get you another drink?
No, actually. I'm a little tired. I think I'm going to call it a night. But I'm excited about the dance.
Me too.
Buffy leans toward him, tugs gently on his jacket, and they kiss.
There is a fire blazing in the fireplace. ANGEL paces before it, shivering from the cold. He hears a rustling in the atrium and quickly pulls the drapes aside to find Buffy holding a small paper bag.
It's just me. (re: bag) Here.
Angel takes the bag and opens it as he walks back into the room. Buffy follows but keeps her distance. He removes a quart-sized plastic container filled with blood from the bag. Angel sniffs it suspiciously.
How are you feeling?
It hurts... less.
Good. I haven't told Giles and the others that... you're back.
Giles...
And I'm not going to. They wouldn't understand that you're better. And I'm going to keep helping you get better. It's just that everything's different now. I'm a senior. I'm really working harder in school. I'm even thinking about college. (beat) And I'm involved with someone.
Angel looks at her, shocked, then turns away, wincing from the pain wracking his body.
His name is Scott. He's a nice, solid guy. He makes me happy... and that's what I need: someone I can count on.
I don't think we should see each other anymore.
You don't? (confused) When did this happen? Where was I?
Buffy, it's just... before we were going out, you seemed so full of life, like a force of nature. Now you just seem distracted all the time and--
Yeah, I know, it's... I'm getting better. Honest. In fact, from here on, you are going to see a drastic distraction reduction.
No reaction from Scott to her joke.
'Drastic distraction reduction.' Try saying that ten times fast.
I'm really sorry.
He turns and leaves Buffy standing all alone in a crowd of people.
POV: Buffy through a pair of binoculars. She is watching Scott walk away.
Inside the van, two men watch Buffy intently. One of them attaches a digital feed to the binoculars and Buffy appears on several small CRTs set into a bank of electronic equipment inside the van. The other man speed dials a cellular modem, establishing an instant high-speed connection.
The tones and screeches of the connection protocol quickly establish a link with a simialr modem in this lushly appointed office. An old man in a wheelchair, the
surveillance team's BOSS, rolls up to the desk and types a command into the computer.
Is that her?
MR. TRICK steps into frame.
In the nubile flesh, my friend.
Buffy appears on the monitor as she slowly heads into school.
That's the target.
Opening credit sequence.
Establishing.
Deputy Mayor ALLAN FINCH nervously waits to see the Mayor.
The Mayor will see you now.
Finch composes himself and opens the Mayor's door.
Finch opens the door and steps in. MAYOR RICHARD WILKINS III is just coming out of his private washroom, vigorously drying his hands.
I'm sorry to bother you, sir.
I'm not bothered, Finch.
Finch opens a folder and leafs through the contents. The Mayor lifts one of the sheets of paper, an Interpol warrant, and begins sniffing the paper. His odd behavior only increases Finch's agitation.
Well, I'm not sure how serious this is but they were spotted in town three days ago. I've just been informed. Frederick and Hans Gruenstahler, wanted in Germany for capital murder, terrorism, the bombing of Flight 1402... I should have brought it to your attention sooner but I'd wanted to confirm...
The Mayor takes another sniff.
Would you show me your hands, please?
Sir?
Your hands.
Wilkins replaces the warrant, pushes the file aside and points to the desk. Finch holds out his hands and slowly leans over, placing them flat on the desk. The Mayor inspects them closely as Finch nervously watches.
I think they could be cleaner.
Of course, sir. I mean, I washed them but...
Wilkins leans back in his chair. Finch looks like he's about to have a nervous breakdown.
After every meal and under your fingernails. Dirt gets trapped there... and germs... and mayonnaise. My dear mother said, 'cleanliness is next to godliness' and I believed her. She never caught a cold. (laughs; re: warrant) I'd like these two to be put under surveillance and I'd like to know if... any other colorful characters have come to town.
I'll take care of it.
You have all my faith.
Finch hurriedly exits the room.
Yearbook pictures are being taken. Cordelia sits and gives her patented thousand- watt smile as the flash goes off. Xander is up next and sports a goofy expression. Willow hops up on the stool with a big Willow-sized grin. The photographer doesn't immediately snap her picture and her expression changes to one of concern. Then the flash goes off and such will be her picture in the yearbook. Oz stares blankly into the camera with a thin smile on his face. After their pictures are taken, Xander and Willow head out of the lounge.
You have to help me pick an outfit. I want to wear something that makes Oz go 'oh.'
No problem. I got the tux goin' on. I'm going to look hot if it even remotely fits.
They find Cordelia surreptitiously checking out the other girls running for Homecoming Queen.
Whatcha doin'?
Checking out the I-laughingly-use-the-phrase competition.
She looks over at HOLLY, flirtatiously playing with her hair and talking to a couple of boys. Oz comes up behind Willow and gently puts his arm around her.
Holly Charleston: nice girl, brain dead, doesn't have a prayer.
She shifts her gaze to MICHELLE, who is handing out campaign fliers.
Michelle Blake: open to all mankind, especially those with a letterman's jacket and a car. (concerned) She could give me a run.
Where's Buffy? She's going to miss the yearbook pictures.
Buffy and Faith are in the library getting all sweaty.
They're training.
I stand by my phrase.
I don't think she was here the day they announced them. Did anybody tell her?
Oh, I'll tell her now. I have to go to the nurse's office for an ice pack anyway.
Did you hurt yourself?
No, silly. (nudges him) It shrinks the pores!
Oz gives Xander a look that oozes "duh".
FAITH holds up her padded hands as Buffy throws several punches. After a particularly hard punch, Faith has to shake out her hand and take off the pads.
Oh, man! Guys should break up with you more often.
Gee, thank you.
No, I mean it. You really got some quality rage going. Really gives you an edge.
Edge Girl. Just what I always wanted to be.
Well, screw him, all right? You move on and... you party heavily and you'll be fine. I mean, you're still going to that dance, right?
Maybe.
You got the tix already. Why don't we go together?
I don't know about that.
Come on. We'll find a couple studs, we'll use 'em and discard 'em. That's always fun.
Okay, I'm in. Not the stud-using part, though. (beat) Or... probably not.
Cordelia looks in through the library windows and sees the two Slayers talking. She pushes the door open and is about to go in when she notices two boys walk by. She slips back into the hall and rushes to catch up with them.
Bobby! Mashad! (smiles and giggles) You don't phone, you don't write... where's the love?
A teacher, MS. MORAN, descends the stairs, looking over some reports. When she reaches the bottom, Buffy notices her and runs up to her.
Ms. Moran? Hi! (smiles) I'm so glad that I ran into you. I had this little incident last year of getting kicked out of school. And I'm back now, though. I've done all of my makeup tests but I still need one written recommendation from a teacher. I think the word that Principal Snyder used was 'glowing'. (awkward) To put in my file so I can prove that I belong here.
And you are?
Buffy. Buffy Summers. Third row. I sat by the window. Your class: Contemporary American Heroes from Amelia Earhart to Maya Angelou. The class that changed my life?
Were you absent a lot?
Buffy?
Willow, Oz, Buffy and Xander are having lunch. Buffy just stares off into space while the others pick at their food. Cordelia arrives holding out a flier and touches a student on the arm.
Hi. I hope you'll consider me for Homecoming Queen.
I can't believe it. My favorite teacher and she didn't even remember who I was. I'm like a non-person. (to Oz) Am I invisible? Can you see me?
Big as life.
At Hemery, I was Prom Princess, I was Fiesta Queen, I was on the cheerleading squad. And the yearbook was like a story of me. Now it's senior year and I'm going to be one crappy picture on one-eighth of one crappy page.
No, actually, you're not.
What do you mean?
Well, you missed the picture-taking.
When? Why?
We did 'em yesterday.
Didn't Cordelia tell you?
Buffy gaze settles on the campaigning Cordelia.
Cordelia hands a flier to another student. Buffy approaches from behind.
Thanks for your support. (smiles and turns around) Buffy, you look so cute in that outfit.
I'm not voting for you.
Then make it snappy.
How come you didn't tell me they were doing the yearbook pictures?
Didn't I? Oh, I guess I forgot. What's the big?
It's just... you could've thought about somebody else for thirty seconds, that's all.
Hey, I am under a lot of pressure here.
Oh, yeah, campaigning. Rough gig.
What would you know about it? Just because you were Guacamole Queen when you were three doesn't mean you understand how this works.
Obviously, it involves handing out entirely lame fliers.
No. It involves being part of this school and having actual friends. Now, if it was about monsters, blood and innards, then you'd be a shoo-in. I'd like to see you try to win the crown.
You would? Then you will.
Cordelia stops in her tracks and turns to face her.
What does that mean?
I'm going to show you how it's done. I'm going to run for Homecoming Queen and I'm going to win.
This is starting to be sad.
Sorry, Cordy, but you have no idea who you're messing with.
What? The Slayer?
I'm not talking about the Slayer. I'm talking about Buffy. You've awakened the Prom Queen within. And that crown is going to be mine.
Mr. Trick has assembled a diverse group and is briefing them on his plans.
Competition. Competition is a beautiful thing. It makes us strive. It makes us accomplish. Occasionally, it makes us kill. We all have the desire to win. Whether we're human...
He gestures to three burly men.
Vampire...
He nods to LYLE GORCH and his wife CANDY, then stops before KULAK, a yellow-skinned creature with a spiny ridge along the top of his head.
...and whatever the hell you are, my brother. You got them spiny-looking head things. I ain't never seen that before.
I am Kulak of the Miquot Clan.
Isn't that nice. Point is, you're all here for the same reason.
Well, it sure ain't no philosophy class, now, is it?
Trick stops pacing and faces him.
Mr. Gorch, my account statement says that your deposit has not yet been made.
Well, me and Candy... we're blowin' our whole honeymoon stash on this little game here.
He empties a bag of cash onto the table.
They're dirty.
They're nonconsecutive.
Trick gives the money another look, re-evaluating his opinion.
The games will begin in a few days' time. The first target, Buffy, you've all seen. The second, Faith, is... a little more elusive. But they will both be together and ready for the killing and that is a money-back guarantee.
The Gorches smile.
Ladies, gentlemen, spiny-headed looking creatures, welcome to SlayerFest '98!
The radio plays softly while Willow tries on potential prom dresses for Xander. She steps out from behind a screen wearing a crimson blouse over a white satin slip dress.
What do you think of this?
Xander glances over at her as he tucks his white, long-sleeve dress shirt into his tuxedo pants. His bow tie hangs around his collar, still untied.
Nice.
It's my first big dance, you know? Where there's a boy and a band... and not just me alone in my room pretending that there's a boy and a band. I just want it to be...
Xander steps over to the mirror to tie his bow tie.
Special. That's why I spared no expense on the tux.
The tux? I thought you borrowed it from your cousin Rigby.
Expense to my pride, Will. They're our only relations with money and they shun us... as they should.
Willow steps out from behind the screen again, this time wearing a black top embroidered with small sunflowers and a smiling sun over a full-length black skirt with a floral print.
What do you think about this?
Nice.
He turns his attention back to his tie. Seeing him struggle, Willow comes over and helps him tie it. She gives him a wry smile.
What?
I was just... remember the eighth-grade cotillion? (giggles) You had that clip-on?
Hey, I was pretty stylin' with a clip-on.
And now here we are and it's... Homecoming.
Yeah, we should face it, Will. You and I are going to be in neighboring rest homes while I come over so you can adjust my...
Willow raises her eyebrows.
...my... well, I can't think of anything that's not really gross.
Willow finishes with the tie and smiles at him, then goes back behind the screen to try on yet another outfit. Xander pulls on his vest.
So... you and Oz. How do I put this? Are we on first, second, or... ye gods?
That's none of your business, Alexander Harris.
Ah, rounding second.
You don't know that. What about you and Cordelia?
A gentleman never talks about his conquests.
Oh, yeah? Well, since when did you become a...
Xander slips his jacket on, fully dressed and Willow steps out from behind the screen in an elegant black, sleeveless, full-length dress. They are both struck dumb at the sight of each other.
...gentleman?
She looks down at her dress then back up at him and shrugs.
I know. 'Nice.'
I was going to go with 'gorgeous'.
Really? You, too. In a guy way.
Oz is very lucky.
So is Cordelia... in a girl way.
Suddenly Willow looks anxious.
I don't know if I can dance in this. (beat) I don't know if I can dance!
Come on. Piece of cake.
He steps up to her and offers his hand.
Here.
They position themselves for a traditional slow waltz and then start to dance.
Well, that seems to, um...
He looks down at their feet as they sway back and forth for a little while. Willow looks up at him, but tries not to look like she is.
Yeah. This shouldn't be a... problem.
No.
They slowly inch closer to each other.
No problem.
He slowly leans toward her and she responds in kind. They kiss gently, tenderly. It lasts for several seconds before they realize what they are doing and quickly jump apart.
That didn't just happen!
No! I mean, it did but it didn't!
Because I respect you. And Oz. And I would never...
I would never either! It must be the clothes. It's a fluke.
It's a clothes fluke, that's what it is. And there'll be no more fluking.
Not ever.
They almost kiss again before jumping apart.
We gotta get out of these clothes!
Right now!
The double meaning hits them both at once.
Oh, I didn't mean...
I didn't... me, either!
She rushes back behind the screen as Xander bolts for the door.
Buffy has the large whiteboard arrayed with pictures of Cordelia, Michelle and Holly. Next to each picture is a thermometer filled in red up to their perceived levels of popularity. Below each picture is a list of strengths and weaknesses for each girl. Buffy walks past the board, tapping each picture with a pointer.
A campaign is like a war. It's won or lost in the trenches. Holly, Michelle, and our real competition, Cordelia, all have big head starts. Speaking of big heads, if I had a watermelon as big as Cordelia's, I'd be rich.
She smiles at Xander, Willow and Oz, who are sitting on the table fidgeting nervously and looking as though they desperately want to be elsewhere. They don't react to Buffy's joke at all. Her smile fades.
Waits for laugh... (gives up) Okay, you're right. Making fun of the competition only makes me seem petty. Now, this is just like any other popularity contest. I've done this before. The only difference being this time I'm not actually popular. Although, I'm not exactly unpopular. A lot of people came to my welcome home party.
But they were killed by zombies.
Good point. Okay, here's the plan. Willow, I need you to make a database. See who's for us, who's on the fence and where our real crisis areas are. Oz, you take the fringe: musicians, those not normally inclined to vote. Xander, what--
She stops as Cordelia walks into the library.
Cordelia... okay, look. I know this is a little awkward but I don't see any reason why we all can't get along during this campaign time. (Cordelia shrugs and nods) I mean, we're almost friends and... we are all riding together in the limo.
Yeah, great. Willow, how's that database coming?
Willow looks at floor, shamed.
It's... just about done.
Xander?
I got your new fliers.
Let's get cracking.
Buffy looks betrayed.
She's my girlfriend.
Willow moves to join Xander and Cordelia on their way out.
It's just that... she needs it so much more than you do.
As Willow goes, so goes my nation.
Oz joins the others, who are standing behind Cordelia, hanging their heads in shame. Cordelia, by contrast, is standing proudly erect, facing Buffy with her arms crossed.
Thanks for what you said, Buffy. I think we're getting along great. Don't you?
Buffy takes the rebuke without a word and Cordelia turns and strides out of the library. The others each give Buffy a quick apologetic glance and follow her out. GILES walks out of his office as Buffy sits dejectedly at the research table.
Seems like a lot of fuss for one little title.
Well, you know, it's no fun if you don't try your best.
As long as fun is still in the mix.
Sure! It's not like anyone takes it that seriously.
The juice bottle suddenly shatters in her hand. Buffy gives Giles an innocent smile.
The Homecoming Queen campaign is well under way. Buffy talks to a small group of students while handing out fliers, then looks over her shoulder at Cordelia. Cordelia does the same. When she notices Buffy looking at her, she shifts her attention to her own audience of enthralled students.
The big game hunter, FRAWLEY, is checking his rifle. He walks past the Gruenstahler brothers who are wrestling with each other.
Lyle and Candy Gorch kiss on the couch.
Pan across a bulletin board on which Holly, Michelle and Cordelia each have a flier posted. Buffy walks up to the board and posts her much larger flier right on top of Cordelia's.
The Gruenstahler's boss is checking maps and coordinates on his computer. Behind him, his boys continue their training.
Frawley, testing a bear trap. He lays a mannequin leg on it and the jaws instantly snap shut, shattering the leg.
Kulak. He raises his arms and snaps them down, his forearms splitting open from elbow to wrist. A long, serrated, green weapon pops out of each arm and into his hands. He whips them both at the wall, where they both hit within inches of each other.
Buffy walks down the stairs with a bounce in her step. At the bottom, she fakes dropping her stack of fliers. Scott sees them fall and quickly kneels down to pick them up.
Sorry.
Here.
He hands her the fliers and they both stand up.
I heard you were doing this.
Yeah. It's just something to pass the time. It's silly, really.
I don't think so. For what it's worth, you have my vote.
No, I don't want you to feel... (reconsiders) Thank you.
Scott nods and moves off and Buffy smiles to herself. She takes out her campaign notebook and opens it to a list of names, checking off Scott's.
She closes the book as she notices another boy coming. She tosses her fliers on the ground again, repeating her "accident". The boy bends down to pick them up.
Buffy is wearing a Sunnydale High team jacket and talks to a group of appreciative athletes. They all smile at her as she makes small talk with them.
She checks off the name Daryl Sancton in her campaign book.
Holly approaches a student with a brownie but Buffy gets there first and gives him a huge chocolate cupcake and a radiant smile. She gives Holly a smug look and walks off.
She checks off Leafe Small's name in her campaign notebook.
Buffy gives away two more chocolate cupcakes, then watches with dismay and anger as Cordelia approaches the same two students and hands them each a basket full of sweets and chocolates. Cordelia then holds open a bag for them to dump their cupcakes into. Cordelia gives Buffy a smug look as she drops the bag into the trashcan and walks off.
Willow is fixated on Buffy and Cordelia's fliers, posted side by side, not happy with having to choose between friends. She sighs and starts to walk away. She doesn't get far before running into Buffy.
Hey.
Hi! How are you? You good? You look good. Anything new? (smiles) Hey, did I mention you look good?
Willow, it's okay that you're helping Cordelia. We're best friends. I'm not going to hold it against you.
No, I'm not a friend. I'm a rabid dog who should be shot! But there're forces at work here! Dark, incomprehensible forces.
And I'm sure they're more important than all we've been through together or... the number of times that I've saved your life.
What do you want?
Fifteen minutes alone on your computer with Cordelia's database.
'Kay.
She slides her backpack from her shoulder and sits with Buffy at a table near a window.
Good!
Pull back from the window outside the school and focus on the surveillance van.
The Gruenstahler brothers have Buffy under close watch. One is watching her through binoculars while the other is recording their conversation over a parabolic microphone.
So I spoke to the limo people and we're all set. They'll pick up Faith, then me, then swing by and get you guys. Now, what's your database tell you about my weaknesses?
JONATHAN takes a big bite out of a chocolate cupcake as he walks with Buffy who has her arm around his shoulder.
You know, Jonathan, I've always felt a special bond between you and me.
Cordelia gave me six bucks. That buys a whole lotta cupcakes.
Farther down the hall where Cordelia is talking with another group of students, obviously computer geeks.
Are you kidding?
She holds up her hand in the Vulcan salute.
I've been doing the Vulcan Death Grip since I was four.
She pokes one of the guys in the forehead a few times with her spread fingers, trying her best to fake the Vulcan nerve pinch. Buffy walks up behind her, arms crossed.
So you really are giving out money, huh?
Is that any more tacky than your faux 'I'm shy but deep' campaign posters?
Yes.
This whole trying to be like me really isn't funny anymore.
I was never trying to be like you. And when was it funny?
I don't see why your pathetic need to recapture your glory days gives you the right to splinter my vote.
How can you think it's okay to talk to people like this? Do you have parents?
Yeah. Two of them... unlike some people.
Your brain isn't even connected to your mouth, is it?
Xander and Willow appear behind Cordelia.
Why don't you do us both a favor and stay out of my way?
Cordelia brushes past Buffy, putting her hand on Buffy's shoulder to push her out of the way. Buffy knocks her hand away.
Don't ever do that again.
You're sick, you know that?
Xander tries to calm Cordelia.
Okay, let's not say something we'll regret later...
You crazy freak!
Vapid whore!
...like that!
Xander physically pulls Cordelia away from Buffy.
What did you call me?
Xander quickly leads her away down the hall. Willow steps up to Buffy, extremely flustered.
This is just...
...the worst thing that's ever happened. Ever!
Willow paces behind Xander then sits on her bed and crosses her arms and legs, her face etched with worry. Xander sits down next to her and puts his arm around her.
I know. I know. It's just... when I look at you now it's like I'm seeing you for the first time.
I'm talking about Buffy and Cordelia.
Xander yanks his arm away.
Me too!
What are we going to do? I mean, we have to do something. This is all our fault.
How do you get from 'chick fight' to 'our fault'?
Because we felt so guilty about the fluke, we overcompensated helping Cordelia and we spun the whole group dynamic out of orbit and we're just a big meteor shower heading for earth...
Okay, calm down. Let's just put our heads together and think of something. (Willow nods) Okay, one of us here is pretty darn smart and I am...
Willow looks at him expectantly.
...just in hell. I mean, I thought being a senior at last and having a girlfriend at last would be a good thing. Now, why wouldn't that be a good thing? (off Willow's look) What?
Sometimes, when you're falling to pieces, your mouth, it just does the sweetest thing.
She smiles and traces his lips with her fingers. Xander gently moves her hand away.
What are we going to do?
We just have to get the two of them communicating.
I'm talking about us.
Buffy is wearing a bright-red spaghetti-strap evening gown with matching shoes and purse. She walks down the porch steps and over to the waiting limousine. The driver holds open the door for her and she gets in.
The driver closes the door as Buffy finds Cordelia sitting next to her, wearing a green satin dress with a corsage on her wrist.
What's going on here? Where's Faith?
Cordelia hands her a small card. Buffy opens it and reads.
Dear Cordelia and Buffy,She closes the card and looks over at Cordelia.
Well...
She looks around and notices a corsage waiting for her in a small box on the seat between them.
They bought us corsages?
I took the orchid.
Okay.
The driver gets in and starts the car. CU on his ear as he slips in an earpiece; we see that the driver is one of the Gruenstahler brothers. He puts the car in gear and drives off.
The limousine drives through the night at a steady speed.
I don't see what the big deal is.
I'm not making a big deal. You wanted the orchid, you got the orchid.
It goes with my complexion better.
The driver pulls the limo to the side of the road.
It does have that sallow tint.
Buffy notices they've stopped.
Finally we're here.
They hear the driver's door slam and his footsteps as he runs off. Buffy gives Cordelia a concerned look, then opens her door and gets out of the car.
Cordelia gets out behind her and swings the door shut. They look around, surprised to find themselves in the middle of the woods.
What is this? (loud) Okay, guys, we've had enough of your stupid little game!
Buffy notices a VCR and a monitor set up on a rock.
What's massively wrong with this picture?
They move over to it. A sign on the VCR says "Press Play", which Buffy does. Mr. Trick appears on the screen.
Hello, ladies. Welcome to SlayerFest '98.
Buffy and Cordelia stare at the monitor in disbelief.
What is a SlayerFest, you ask? Well, as in most of life, there's the hunters and the hunted. Can you guess where you two fall? From the beginning of this tape, you have exactly thirty seconds-- (checks his watch) no, that's seventeen now-- to run for your lives. Faith... Buffy... (large smile) Have a nice death.
The picture fades to black and the word "SlayerFest" appears in blood-red letters.
Hello! How stupid are you people? (re: Buffy) She's a Slayer. I'm a Homecoming Queen!
At the sound of a distant gunshot, the monitor explodes. Cordelia gasps and the two of them begin to run.
Oz's band, Dingoes Ate My Baby, are on stage performing. Willow and Xander stand together but unusually far apart. Neither are talking or look even remotely happy. Faith appears behind them.
What are you two so mopey about?
Oh, we're not mopey. We're groovin'. (re: band) On Oz's band. He's a great guy, Oz.
He wrote this song for me.
Faith glances around and sees Scott behind her dancing with a girl.
Sleazebag!
She walks off in a huff just as Giles rushes up behind them.
We have to find Buffy. Something terrible's happened.
No reaction from Willow and Xander.
Just kidding. Thought I'd give you a scare.
Willow looks back at the band. Xander just stares at him.
Are those finger sandwiches?
He moves off to find the buffet table in search of food.
Buffy and Cordelia jog at a brisk pace, Buffy scanning the forest around them as they go.
I have an idea. We talk to these people, we explain that I'm not a Slayer and they let me go.
Buffy ignores Cordelia's comment and keeps scanning the forest for danger. Cordelia stops her just as she steps into a bear trap.
Look out!
With preternatural reflexes, Buffy whips her foot out of the trap an instant before it slams shut. Buffy pulls Cordelia to the ground as Frawley takes aim with his rifle.
Get down!
Frawley shoots but misses and Buffy hurls the sprung trap at him. It slams into him hard, sending him staggering backward and into another bear trap. It snaps shut on his leg and he howls in pain. Buffy picks up the rifle and points it at him.
That's gotta smart.
Frawley desperately tries to pry the jaws of the trap apart.
Now, I can let you out of that or I can put a bullet in your head. How many are there in this little game and what are they packing?
He glares at her, refusing to speak. Buffy chambers a round and he reconsiders his position.
There's me, two Germans with AR-15s and a grenade launcher... yellow-skinned demon with long knives... vampire couple from Texas named Gorch.
That everybody?
Everybody who's out here. Germans are wired. Their boss is tracking them on computer. Now get me out of this!
Could I just ask you an eensy favor? Could you just tell your friends that I'm not a Sl--
Cordelia screams and stumbles backward as Kulak's serrated weapons slice into the tree in front of her.
Giles selects a few finger sandwiches from the buffet table.
Behind Giles, Faith moves around the table toward Scott. He is dancing slow and close with his date.
Scott? There you are, honey! Hey, good news. The doctor says that the itching and the swelling and the burning should clear up but we gotta keep using the ointment.
Faith turns to Scott's date and smiles.
Hi.
She turns back to Scott, gives him a peck on the cheek, then walks away. Scott looks at his date, thoroughly embarrassed.
Pan back to Giles; he munches on sandwiches as he heads back over to Willow and Xander, who are sitting conspicuously apart from each other. They both look thoroughly depressed.
I suspect the finger food contains... actual fingers.
Xander gives him a disgusted glance while Willow just stares glumly at the floor.
I think I'll retreat to the library until the coronation.
No reaction from either of them.
I want to be here when Buffy... well, however the thing turns out for her. (beat) And that was a very fine thing you two did, putting Buffy and Cordelia together.
He gives the rest of his sandwich to Xander, then heads for the library.
We did one fine thing.
Yeah. They've been gone for a while. They must really be getting into it.
Buffy kicks in the door of a dilapidated and abandoned cabin in the woods and she and Cordelia rush inside. Buffy holds Frawley's rifle in one hand as she pushes the door shut with the other and pulls a chair over to barricade it. She closes the shutters on the windows and draws the drapes over them.
We should be safe in here for a while. You need to find a weapon.
Cordelia is panting with fright and exhaustion.
Safe? I'm not safe. I'm going to die!
Yeah, you are if you just stand there.
I'm never going to be crowned Homecoming Queen. I'm never going to graduate from high school. I'm never going to know if it's real between me and Xander or if it's just... some temporary insanity that made me think I loved him. And now I'm never going to get the chance to tell him.
Yes, you are. We are going to get out of here and we are going to head back to the library where Giles and the rest of the weapons live. Then I'm going to take out the rest of these guys just in time for you to congratulate me on my sweeping victory as Homecoming Queen.
I know what you're up to. You think if you get me mad enough, I won't be so scared. And, hey! It's working! Where's a damn weapon?
She searches the drawers of an old table while Buffy resumes her surveillance at the window.
You really love Xander?
Well, he kind of grows on you like... a Chia Pet.
She finds a spatula and shows it to Buffy.
That's it?
Just this and a telephone.
A telephone. And you didn't think that'd be helpful?
No, this is better for...
She swings it ineffectually, then gets Buffy's point.
Oh...
The Gruenstahler's boss is using his computer to track the happenings in the woods.
You're about to see why Daniel Boone and that idiot demon are creatures of the past... and why I am the future. I'm picking up a signal.
He zeros in on a grid on the map.
They've got a phone!
Buffy is on the phone.
If you get this message, Giles, get help and get out here--
The phone clicks and goes dead.
Hello?
What happened?
It went dead.
Frawley struggles with the bear trap. Kulak watches for a moment.
Want me to cut that leg off?
No, thanks.
Kulak grunts and resumes stalking the girls.
The Gruenstahler brothers, dressed in black BDUs with AR-15s raised and ready, listen to their boss on headsets and scan the forest.
Continue proceeding south ninety meters to vector three.
Giles enters, notices that there is a message for him on his machine and presses the playback button. He takes a sip of his tea as the machine rewinds briefly, beeps and plays.
Giles, it's me... and Cordelia. We're in a cabin in Miller's Woods, and we're in big trouble.
Cordelia sits down on a cot.
Why is it every time I go somewhere with you, it always ends in violence and terror?
Welcome to my life.
I don't want to be in your life. I want to be in my life.
Buffy aims the rifle at the door.
Well, there's the door. Please feel free to walk out at any time and live your life.
All I wanted was to be Homecoming Queen.
And that's all I wanted, too, Cordelia.
She sighs and looks down at her dress.
I spent a year's allowance on this dress.
I don't even get why you care about Homecoming when you're doing stuff like this.
Because this is all I do. This is what my life is. You couldn't understand. (shrugs) I just thought... Homecoming Queen. (smiles) I could pick up a yearbook someday and say I was there. I went to high school, I had friends and, for one moment, I got to live in the world. And there'd be proof. Proof that I was chosen for something other than this.
Cordelia gives her an understanding look as Buffy raises the rifle and cocks it.
Besides... I look cute in a tiara.
Cordelia giggles. Suddenly from outside, comes a low growl.
Do you hear--
Kulak crashes through a window and throws Buffy to the floor. The rifle goes flying. Kulak slashes at her with his blades as Buffy rips a set of antlers from the wall to use for defense.
Cordelia comes valiantly to Buffy's defense, slapping the demon smartly on the back with her spatula.
Buffy blocks Kulak's attack with the antlers and uses them to drive him to the floor.
Cor, the gun!
Kulak slashes Buffy's arm and she falls to the floor.
Cordelia picks up the rifle and takes aim, looking for a target.
Kulak stands up as Buffy grabs the end of the rug he's standing on and yanks it out from under him, flipping him backward onto the floor.
Kulak stands up again as Cordelia shoots but misses, shattering a bottle near Buffy instead.
Cordelia, the spatula.
The Gruenstahler boys stealthily approach the cabin.
Prepare to launch.
Kulak takes a lunging swing at Buffy. She ducks and uses the hanging lamp above her to deliver a roundhouse kick to Kulak's face. He tumbles backward into a desk against the wall and falls to the floor.
One of the brothers loads a grenade into his launcher and closes the chamber. Their boss feeds them coordinates over their radios.
Target's in range, ready your weapons. Y-axis 53¡ west by 8¡ south.
The assassin punches the coordinates into his targeting computer.
Cordelia tries to get Buffy's attention.
Buffy!
Buffy looks over and Cordelia tosses her the rifle. She aims it at Kulak as he gets up from the floor. He roars and charges her as Buffy pulls the trigger-- which clicks on an empty chamber. Buffy quickly raises the rifle above her head to block Kulak's swing. His blade embeds itself in the rifle's stock and Buffy wrenches it around, pulling Kulak with it and pinning him down.
Launch!
The grenade fires.
The grenade penetrates a window shutter and falls to the floor in front of Buffy and Kulak. They look at each other and let go of the rifle. Buffy grabs Cordelia and starts to run toward the closest window with her in tow. Kulak bolts for another window. Buffy and Cordelia crash through the glass. Kulak jumps also but his window is shuttered behind the curtain, so he just bounces off it and back into the room, landing next to the grenade. He takes a quick, terrified breath.
Buffy and Cordelia run like mad. Behind them the cabin comes apart in a huge fireball, sending shrapnel whizzing past their heads and knocking them to the ground. They both look at each other, panting.
We gotta get back to the library.
They get up and start running through the woods with the Gruenstahlers tracking them.
Lyle and Candy Gorch have the book cage open and are going through the weapons stash. A couple of battle-axes and a mace lie on the table. Candy loads a bolt into the crossbow, turns around and points it at Lyle. He nudges the weapon away.
Easy, darlin'. These things go through you faster than Grandpa Pete's chili.
I want to do Buffy; my weddin' present for what happened to your poor brother.
Tector.
When's she comin'?
Lyle looks down at something on the floor.
Well, he's her Watcher. She'll show... just as soon as she gets rid of some of our competition.
Pan down to Giles lying unconscious on the floor.
The Gruenstahler's boss is tracking Buffy and Cordelia on his computer.
They're heading west, back into town.
They got away?
Temporarily.
Well, give it up for the Slayers. They got character.
There's a knock at the door.
I'll take care of it.
He goes to the front door and opens it to find two police officers waiting.
Evening, gentlemen. How may I help you?
Without a word, the two officers grab him and drag him out of the house.
Excuse me! Anybody got a warrant here?
Buffy and Cordelia round the corner and head for the library.
Jungle Bob and Spike-Head are down and out. We've lost the Germans twice but they seem to keep finding us. If we take them out and the Gorches, we can still make Homecoming.
Those animals! Hunting us down like poor defenseless... well, animals.
They walk into the library.
We just need to find Giles--
Candy roars and seizes Buffy by the arm, swinging her around and throwing her into the main room. Candy kicks Buffy in the head, sending her staggering, then pounding her head into a bookshelf. As Lyle smiles appreciatively at Candy's prowess, Buffy recovers and sweeps Candy's legs out from under her, sending her tumbling to the floor. As Buffy scrambles to her feet, Cordelia gets her attention.
Buffy!
Cordy tosses the spatula to Buffy, who snatches it from the air and turns to face Candy with it. Candy grabs the coat rack as she gets up. Buffy lunges at Candy with the handle of the spatula and drives it into her chest as Candy shoves the coat rack into Buffy's face and pushes her into the wall. Buffy trips over a wastebasket and falls into a potted tree before falling to the floor unconscious. Candy drops the coat rack and notices the spatula sticking out of her chest. Lyle's expression turns to horror as his wife disintegrates before his eyes.
Candy! Oh, Candy...
Grief-stricken, he turns his wrath on Buffy. Cordelia calmly confronts him.
I'm going to kill both you Slayers for this! You hear me?
I hear you, you redneck moron. You got a dress that goes with that hat?
I'm going to--
Rip out my innards, play with my eyeballs, boil my brain and eat it for brunch? Listen up, needle-brain. Buffy and I have taken out four of your cronies, not to mention your girlfriend.
Wife!
Cordelia's eyes go hard and cold and she gets right up in his face.
Whatever. The point is, I haven't even broken a sweat. See in the end, Buffy's just the runner-up. I'm the Queen. You get me mad, what do you think I'm going to do to you?
Lyle stops and considers her uneasily. Cordelia raises her eyebrows at him impatiently. Lyle thinks better of taking her on and gives her a quick nod.
Later.
He cautiously edges around her and runs out of the library. Cordelia smiles, impressed with herself as Giles wakes up and gets to his feet.
Later. Buffy is awake and Giles is cleaning the mess left by the Gorches.
That should teach him to mistake you for a Slayer.
Yes, I must admit I do feel partly responsible. I did give your friends tacit approval to make the switch in the limousine.
It's okay. It gave Cor and I a chance to spend some quality death time.
And we got these free corsages.
Buffy takes hers out as well.
Oh, that's nice. Although I don't recall them mentioning corsages.
Jungle Bob said that the Germans were hooked into a computer system.
She gives her corsage a more thorough inspection. Inside she finds a small transmitter.
And they're hooked into us.
They both look up when they hear a door slam out in the halls.
The Gruenstahler brothers enter the school, scanning with their laser-sighted rifles.
Cordelia quickly pulls her corsage off and gives it to Buffy.
Oh, god, get rid of these things!
I need some wet toilet paper.
Yeah! That'll help.
The brothers pull on their night vision goggles and continue to advance into the darkened halls as their boss guides them over their comlinks.
Transmitting coordinates now. They're fifty feet away.
POV: The Sunnydale High School hallways seen through night vision goggles; the familiar corridors are lit with a ghostly green radiance.
Suddenly Buffy streaks across the hall. They try to trace her and fire but they she's too fast for them. They hold fire and Hans signals Frederick to advance. Around the corner Buffy ducks into a classroom. Frederick follows her in. The other listens to the comlink and takes aim at the exterior wall of the classroom.
Axis 6¡ by 43. I have them both in range.
Frederick scans the dark room but sees nothing.
Hans sights his rifle according to instructions.
I have the targets together, twenty feet north and stationary. Final position is locked. Fire when ready.
Frederick slowly stalks Buffy through the room.
Both targets 7¡ by 35.
Buffy rises up from behind a low bookcase and throws a wad of wet toilet paper at Frederick. It hits him dead center in the back and sticks there. He spins around searching for his target.
Adjust! Right ten degrees! Fire!
Hans shoots through the wall according to the computer-guided targeting system.
Frederick turns toward the incoming fire and shoots back even as he is riddled with bullets guided directly to him by the toilet paper-wrapped transmitter stuck to his back.
Hans drops to the floor, dead-- cut down by his brother's final shots.
The targets on the boss' screen disappear and he assumes that his targets have been eliminated.
I won!
He chuckles and snaps his fingers in triumph.
Buffy slowly emerges from behind the cover of the bookcase.
A police officer escorts Mr. Trick into the Mayor's office and shoves him to the center of the room. Mayor Wilkins looks up, smiles, and offers his hand in greeting.
Hello! Nice to meet you.
Mr. Trick ignores the handshake.
Yeah, hi, it's a pleasure. Where am I?
In my office. I'm Richard Wilkins. I'm the Mayor of Sunnydale. And you're... Mr. Trick. Please, sit down.
He walks around to the other side of his desk as Mr. Trick takes a seat.
That's an exciting suit.
Well, clothes make the man.
Well, as I understand it, you're not a man... exactly. (Trick nods) Mr. Trick, I've been the Mayor for quite some time. I like things to run smoothly. This is a very important year for me.
Election year.
Something like that.
If this is the part where you tell me that I don't fit in here in your quiet little neighborhood, you can just skip it because, see, that all got old long before I became a vampire. Do you know what I'm saying?
Do you have children? Children are the heart of a community. They need to be looked after. Controlled. The more rebellious element needs to be dealt with. The children are our future. We need them. I need them.
If this rebellious element means who I think it does, then that problem may be taken care of this very night.
So I've heard. (chuckles) That's a very enterprising idea you have: SlayerFest. I love that name, by the way. You see, that's the kind of initiative I need on my team.
What if I don't want to be a part of the team?
Oh, no, that won't be an issue.
As Trick watches apprehensively, the Mayor takes a small plastic box from his desk and opens the lid. He holds it out to Trick.
See, you and I are going to get along very well. Moist towelette?
The time to announce the Homecoming Queen has arrived. The band's drummer gives a brief drum roll to get everyone's attention as DEVON steps up to the mike.
Hey, guys, the moment we've all been waiting for.
The crowd. Devon makes some minor announcements before naming this year's queen. Willow gives Oz a concerned look.
They're going to announce the Queen. Where are they? What's keeping them?
Oz spots Buffy and Cordelia working their way through the crowd behind them. They are dirty and disheveled from their ordeal.
I'm going to go with mud wrestling.
Oh, god! What did you two do to each other?
Long story.
Got hunted.
Apparently not that long.
Willow stares at the two of them in disbelief.
Tell you one thing, though... you don't want to mess with Cordelia.
Xander laughs and gets a warning look from Cordelia.
No.
Another drum roll.
In this envelope, I hold the name of this year's Homecoming Queen.
Before opening the envelope he makes another announcement about an after- party.
After all that we've been through tonight, this whole "who-gets- to-be-queen" capade seems pretty--
Damn important.
Oh, yeah.
And the winner is...
He opens the envelope and checks the name.
Hey, I believe we have a first for Sunnydale High. We have a tie.
Buffy and Cordelia exchange a victorious look and smile at each other.
The winners are Holly Charleston and Michelle Blake!
Both Buffy and Cordelia's smiles instantly disappear. Michelle and Holly push between them to get to the stage. Everyone in the crowd applauds as the two queens make their way to the stage. Cordelia and Buffy can't believe it. On stage, Devon holds up the Homecoming tiara and waves it first over Michelle's head, then Holly's. The crowd continues to applaud as Michelle steps up to the mike.
I'm just so honored! I can't believe it! I mean, that you would pick me... or us... out of every girl in the whole school! It's just... it's so wonderful! (starts to weep) I promised myself I'm not going to cry...
Cordelia and Buffy look at each other, disgusted, and walk out.