[Transcript of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" episode Band Candy at buffyology.com.]
BUFFY sits wrapped in a blanket while GILES reads from a book.
'And on that tragic day, an era came to its inevitable end.' That's all there is. Are you ready?
Hit me.
Which of the following best expresses the theme of the passage? A) Violence breeds violence. B) All things must end. C)--
Buffy looks down at her answer sheet and fills in a bubble with her No. 2 pencil.
B. I'm going with B. We haven't had B in forever.
This is the SATs, Buffy, not connect-the-dots. Please pay attention. A low score could seriously harm your chances of getting into college.
Gee, thanks. That takes the pressure right off.
This isn't meant to be easy, you know. It's a rite of passage.
Well, is it too late to join a tribe where they just pierce something or cut something off?
Buffy, please concentrate.
She looks up as a vampire approaches Giles from behind.
Roll!
She tosses her notebook and answer sheet off of her lap and scrambles to her feet.
What?
He sees her rushing toward him and realizes that he needs to get out of the way fast. Buffy vaults over the gravestone and kicks the advancing vampire in the gut. He goes flips backward, landing hard on his back.
As he regains his feet, Buffy engages him and the fight is on. They trade blows, Buffy slowly beating the creature back.
The vampire takes a swing at her head and she smashes her forearm down and blocks his blow. Seeing an opening, Buffy stabs him cleanly in the chest with her pencil. She yanks it back out as the vampire bursts into ashes. As she sits back down on her blanket, Buffy notices that the tip of her pencil is broken.
Hmm. I broke my No. 2 pencil. We'll have to do this again sometime.
Giles hands her a freshly-sharpened No. 2 pencil.
C) All systems tend toward chaos.
Buffy flips her broken pencil at him and snatches the new one from his hand. She sits back down on the blanket and picks up her notebook and answer sheet.
I just know that us and the undead are the only people in Sunnydale working this late.
She pouts at Giles and waits for him to start reading again.
Establishing.
MAYOR RICHARD WILKINS has called MR. TRICK for an audience.
I appreciate you coming. I realize it is early for you... but I think you'll agree that this matter is urgent. Also... delicate.
I'm a very delicate person.
So you feel you can handle this?
It's a little out of my element but I can get you what you need. I know a beast who knows a guy.
Are you sure that subcontracting is the way to go here?
Well, this guy's worked your town before and if he lives up to his rep, (smiles) this place'll be in flames.
I've made certain deals to get where I am today. This demon requires his tribute. You see, that's what separates me from other politicians, Mr. Trick.
Wilkins opens an ornate wooden cabinet against the far wall. The shelves are full of occult paraphernalia: skulls, a fetus preserved in a bottle, various urns and chests, a shrunken head, the bones of a forearm and hand... obviously a mystic altar of some kind. Trick observes uneasily from his vantage point by the Mayor's desk.
I keep my campaign promises.
Wilkins reaches in and takes out the shrunken head. He pulls on the tuft of hair and a small section of the head opens and folds back on the leathery skin. The Mayor takes a quick sniff from the hole, smiles, and closes the skull again.
Where'd I put that Scotch?
Opening credit sequence.
Buffy, WILLOW and OZ start down the stairs.
And then I was being chased by an improperly filled-in answer bubble screaming, 'none of the above!'
Wow. I hope that wasn't one of your prophecy dreams. (off Buffy's look) Probably not.
Hey, you know, I took it last year. I could help you get ready. There's this whole trick to antonyms but... this isn't the place.
Oz is the highest-scoring person ever to fail to graduate.
Isn't she cute when she's proud?
She's always cute.
CORDELIA and XANDER join them.
We could work on it tonight.
Work on what tonight?
Oh, god. Are we killing something again?
Only my carefree spirit.
Buffy SAT prep.
Oz is helping. (smiling proudly) He's the highest-scoring--
We know. We did the impressed thing already.
I hate they make us take that thing. It's totally fascist and personally, I think it discriminates against the uninformed.
Actually, I'm looking forward to it. I do well on standardized tests. (off everyone's look) What? I can't have layers?
The group enters the cafeteria.
So, Buff, study tonight?
Yes on the studying, no on tonight. I'm putting in Mom time. She's been drastic ever since I got back. And Giles is even worse. I'm supervised 24-7. It's like being in the Real World house, only real.
Willow spots a table piled with boxes of Milkbar fund-raiser chocolate bars. Other students are each taking a box as Principal SNYDER checks their names off on a clipboard.
Oh, candy bars! Lots of 'em!
Snyder holds out a box to Xander.
Principal Snyder, thank you! You weren't visited by the Ghost of Christmas Past, by any chance?
It's band candy.
Let's hear it for the band, huh? Very generous.
You will sell it to raise money for the marching band. They need new uniforms.
Yeah. Those tall fuzzy hats ain't cheap, huh?
But they go with everything.
I'm sure we love the idea of going all Willy Loman but we're not in the band.
Snyder shoves a box of candy at Buffy.
And if I'd handed you a trombone, that would've been a problem, Summers. It's candy. Sell it.
He walks off leaving them all staring dumbfounded at their candy.
Buffy and her mother are eating Chinese food.
But you're not in the band.
And yet.
Buffy, what would I do with forty chocolate bars?
You could hand them out at the Gallery. 'Buy something Pre- Columbian, get a free cavity.'
Her mother considers and decides it can't hurt to at least help.
Twenty.
She hands her daughter back the box.
You're a good mom.
I'm the best.
No, I'm pretty sure the best moms let their daughters drive.
She takes a sip of water, eyeing her mother hopefully.
And yet.
Oh, come on!
Look, let's not have this conversation.
But I took the class. I watched the filmstrips with the blood and the death and the corpses. I'm prepped.
Honey, you failed the written test. They wouldn't even let you take the road test.
That was a year ago. And I don't test well... she said, two days before the SATs.
I spend enough time not knowing where you are. I don't want to add to that the possibility that you're on the highway to Chicago.
I can't believe you. I'm not taking off again. (shrugs) Besides, if I wanted to, I could just get on a bus.
Stop. Don't. (beat) I just don't want you driving, okay? I want you here.
I'm here. Hmm? See me here. Mm-hm? (beat) I gotta go.
What, you're going out?
Giles. Slay-study double feature. Could be late.
Again? Honey, don't you think Mr. Giles is monopolizing an awful lot of your time?
And does he ever say he's sorry?
Giles is tying a blindfold tightly around Buffy's head.
Ow!
Sorry.
Why do I put up with this?
Because it is your destiny... and because I just bought twenty 'cocoa-rific' candy bars.
He hands her a large rubber ball.
Okay, you're just doing this to take funny pictures of me.
I'm doing it to test your awareness of an opponent's location during a fight in total darkness. Now, wait five seconds and then throw the ball at me.
He silently backtracks and takes several steps away from her toward the cage.
You ran out of new training ideas about a week ago, huh? Okay. Five, four, three, two, one.
She turns around and faces in the opposite direction-- toward the door to Giles' office. He smiles, thinking she's completely clueless as to where he is. Buffy throws the ball. It hits the wall high above the checkout counter and ricochets...
It's not that simple, is it--
...right into the side of his head.
Ow... yes, well, very good.
Buffy takes off the blindfold and starts toward the door.
Thanks!
Where are you going? We have to patrol!
I can't. Mom's in hyperdrive. She wants me home tonight. I told you.
But, I...
I know, I know. She's out of control. Enjoy the candy!
Buffy bolts, leaving Giles alone in the empty room.
The door to the atrium is open. We see s shirtless ANGEL practicing the slow, elegant forms of T'ai Chi.
Buffy steps into the doorway and stops to watch him, amazed at the fluidity and smoothness of his movements. Angel doesn't notice her, and continues his exercises. Soon, the natural progression of his routine brings him face to face with Buffy. He raises his head and sees Buffy standing there, watching him.
Buffy.
She looks down briefly, slightly embarrassed to be caught watching him and then looks up at him again with a little smile on her lips.
I didn't know you could do that.
He gives her the briefest glimpse of a smile.
I'm feeling better.
He can't maintain his posture and bends over, supporting himself with his right hand on his knee. Buffy rushes to his aid.
Angel...
She gets under him and helps him stand up straight.
Let's get you inside.
They slowly make their way back into the mansion. There is a fire blazing in the fireplace and Buffy helps Angel sit down before it. Buffy picks up a small paper bag from the coffee table.
It's late. How'd you get away?
It was easy. Started a fire in the prison laundry room. Rode out in the garbage truck.
Oh.
He sits on the edge of the couch.
I'm joking. No garbage. Smell me.
She steps closer to him and Angel looks up at her, his expression inscrutable. She puts the bag down next to him and sits stiffly across from him.
How is... Scott?
Scott? (smiles weakly) Oh, um... boyfriend Scott. Actually, he's not... he's fine.
Angel gives her a nod. Buffy indicates the bag next to him.
That's for you. It's fresh from the butcher.
Thanks.
He reaches in and takes out a quart-sized plastic tub of blood. He gives it a brief look, then slips it back into the bag and sets it aside. Buffy looks away shyly, knowing he doesn't want to eat in front of her.
You're being careful, right?
With Scott?
The slaying.
Oh... Yeah. Of course. Full of carefulness.
I worry about you.
I worry about you.
I'm getting stronger.
Yeah, pretty soon, you won't even need me.
That'll be better.
Buffy's not sure how to take that.
Yeah.
They sit in silence.
Buffy quietly opens the front door and slips in, setting her books down on the table by the coat rack. She is startled to find her mother standing by the stairs, holding a chocolate bar in her hands.
Hey! (thinks fast) Sorry I'm late. You know Giles. All slay, all the time.
Giles steps out of the dining room, arms crossed and a stern look on his face.
Hello, Buffy.
Buffy is busted and she knows it. Still, she tries to diffuse their wrath.
Do you guys want to watch some television? I hear there's a very insightful Nightline on.
Buffy, you lied to us. And you made us into your alibis. That's playing us against each other and that's not fair.
I called Willow. You also lied to her about your whereabouts. We were all concerned.
Joyce unwraps the chocolate bar and holds it out to Giles, who takes a piece.
Oh, thank you.
Look, I'm sorry, but I had to.
She walks into the living room and Joyce and Giles follow her.
Were you at the Bronze? What was happening there that was so important?
Buffy lets out an exasperated sigh and faces her mother.
Bronze things. Things of Bronze.
You're acting really immature, Buffy.
I know I'm not your parent but I am responsible for you. I think your mum's right.
Okay, fine. I'm acting like a child. Maybe that's because you're both treating me like a child.
Buffy!
You're both scheduling me twenty-four hours a day. Between the two of you, that's forty-eight hours. I just want to be able to make a few decisions on my own.
The last time you made a decision on your own, you split.
Yeah and I took care of myself. I don't need this much active parenting.
You can't really be trying to use this summer as a reason you should be trusted.
You can't babysit me all the time. I need you to back off a little.
All right, come on. Let's not freak out.
'Freak out'?
I think you should go to bed. We're all tired.
Buffy just looks at the two of them as though they're crazy. Finally, she storms off to her room. Her mother watches her go, shaking her head.
Oh, she just drives me crazy!
She sighs and crumples the empty candy wrapper and drops it onto the coffee table. They both sit down on the couch.
I just want to protect her.
Don't all parents want that?
He reaches into his jacket pocket and takes out a candy bar of his own. There is also an entire box of them on the coffee table.
Yeah, but at least most parents have some idea what to protect their children from.
Yeah. And I think we should both be especially careful.
He breaks off a piece of candy, sticks it into his mouth and hands the rest to Joyce, then reaches into the box on the table for another one.
Makers of "The Best Chocolate Bar", according to the box. A worker opens the top box of an unsealed case and surreptitiously reaches in for a bar. He pulls back the outer wrapper, looks around to see if anyone is watching and starts to peel back the foil when suddenly ETHAN RAYNE appears behind him and puts a hand on his shoulder.
Trust me. You don't want to eat that.
Ethan walks off as the worker quickly puts the bar back into the box before it is sealed for shipping.
Two boys throw paper wads at each other. Pan to Cordelia and Buffy sitting at the table behind them.
I heard that there was a secret rule that if a teacher's more than ten minutes late, we can all leave.
It's Giles' turn to watch study hall. He'll be here. He's allergic to late.
He is wound a little tight. I had this philosophy book checked out from the library for like a year and he made me pay the fine, even though it was huge. I was sad to return it. (smiles) It was perfect for starting conversations with college boys. Of course, that was BX.
BX? Before Xander? Clever.
As the two girls return to their studying, we pan to Willow and Xander at the table behind them. Xander is munching on a Milkbar chocolate bar, the books in front of him closed.
I like chocolate. There is no bad here.
You still have some left? I went to like four houses and they were gone. It's like Trick-or-Treating in reverse.
I know. These things are selling like hot cakes... which is ironic because the hot cakes really aren't moving...
Below the lab table. Their knees are touching, their legs brushing against one another. Xander is pleased but nervous.
And it's... fun to sell chocolate.
Willow rubs her calf along Xander's shin.
And we're raising a lot of money for the band.
The band. Yeah. They're great. They march.
Like an army. (flustered) Except with music instead of bullets and... usually no one dies.
Cordelia suddenly rounds on them.
I can't believe this.
Willow and Xander immediately break contact and look innocently at Cordelia.
Where is Giles already? I'm bored and he's not here to give me credit for it.
Buffy suddenly looks concerned.
Principal Snyder and a teacher, MS. BARTON, approach the classroom. Snyder has a chocolate bar in his hands.
The big pinhead librarian didn't show up and I don't want to do it. You do it.
All right, fine. I'll do it.
Everybody expects me to do everything around here because I'm the principal. It's not fair.
Ms. Barton walks in and claps her hands to get the students' attention.
Hey! We're all stuck here, okay? So now let's just sit quietly and pretend we're reading something until we're really sure that old Commandant Snyder's gone. Then we're all outta here!
Does anyone else want to marry Ms. Barton?
Get in line.
I guess Giles isn't coming?
I guess not.
Buffy approaches the door and stops. She peers in through the window, sees Giles and goes in.
Giles is crouched down beside a cabinet full of vinyl records, looking at an album. Buffy comes in and closes the door behind her. He looks up at the sound of the door closing.
Buffy.
Pan past him as he slips the record back into the cabinet to Joyce sitting on the couch.
Sorry. I... I was just worried. You were a big not-there in study hall and after your lecture to me on not ducking out... And what is my mother doing here?
Giles answers with a mouth full of chocolate.
We had an opportunity for, you might say, a summit meeting. It took priority over study hall. I called in.
Oh.
We decided that you made a good point earlier, honey.
I did. Yeah. (beat) Which was...?
About us over-scheduling you.
Pulling you in two directions... your home life and your duties as a Slayer.
Oh. That was a good point.
We're working out a coordinated schedule for you.
It'll be tight but I think we can fit in all your responsibilities.
Sounds nice and structured.
We've got more work to do here, honey. Why don't you give us a little more time?
While Giles absently stares at a picture over the fireplace, Joyce reaches into her purse, pulls out her car keys and hands them to Buffy.
Take the car and Mr. Giles can drive me home.
What? (huge smile) Excuse me, I meant what?!
Keys. Take them.
You don't have to tell me twice. Well, actually, you did, but... (snatches the keys) bye!
She bolts out the door.
Bye, honey. Drive careful.
Uh-huh!
After Buffy is gone, Joyce turns to Giles.
Do you think she noticed anything?
When he turns to face her, a cigarette dangles from his lips. He lights his lighter.
No way!
As he holds the flame to his cigarette, Joyce smiles and reaches down for a liquor bottle squirreled away under the end table. She twists off the cap as Giles takes a deep drag.
A residential street later that night. Buffy and Willow in the Jeep.
Tell me again how it happened.
Told my mom I wanted to be treated more like a grownup and voil·: driviness.
She skids around a corner without slowing, making Willow nervous.
Also, I think she wanted me otherwhere. Considering my mom and Giles are planning my future, I think it's easier for them to live my life if I'm not actually there.
Do you know that you have the parking brake on?
Uh-huh.
She releases the parking brake and the engine suddenly revs much higher and they accelerate.
Are you sure about the Bronze? I mean, the SATs are tomorrow.
I can study at the Bronze. (smiles) A little dancing, a little cross- multiplying. You know what we need?
She reaches over and begins to tune the radio, completely ignoring the road.
Eyes on the road! Eyes on the road!
Buffy is oblivious that she is pulling on the steering wheel while tuning the radio and the car makes a wide left turn, but fortunately onto another road and not someone's front lawn.
Giles is lying on his back on the floor, coat and tie gone, shirt unbuttoned as he grooves to the sound of Cream singing Tales of Brave Ulysses. Joyce is sitting cross-legged in front of his record cabinet looking through his albums as she sways to the music.
You got good albums.
Yeah, they're okay.
Do you like Seals and Croft? (off Giles' look) Yeah, me neither.
Giles lights two cigarettes and hands her one. Joyce accepts and takes a drag.
Thanks. So how come they call you Ripper?
Wouldn't you like to know?
The song goes into a guitar riff between verses.
Hmm, wait a minute. Listen to this bit.
He gets into it, smiling and waving his cigarette to the beat.
It rocks!
It's good.
Giles gets up and looks into the mirror above the record cabinet.
Man, I gotta get a band together.
Hey, Ripper, you want to watch TV? I know how to order pay- per-view.
No, let's go out and have some fun. Tear things up a bit.
Okay. We could go to the Bronze.
Not bloody likely. That place is dead.
A guy tilts his head back as the bartender pours orange juice and vodka directly into his mouth and his friends cheer him on. There are an unusual number of older people here. Oz's band, Dingoes Ate My Baby, is on stage performing. The dance floor is crowded with people of all ages. On stage, DEVON leans over to Oz.
Hey, they're diggin' us, man!
Willow and Buffy entering the Bronze. Oz spots Willow and smiles. The girls are surprised at the unusual makeup of the crowd.
Let's do the time warp again.
Maybe there's a reunion in town or a Billy Joel tour or something.
Ms. Barton walks past the two girls.
Ms. Barton?
Buffy? Whoa!
Are you okay, Ms. Barton?
Oh, I'm cool, Willow. (beat) Willow... that's a tree. (giggles) You're a tree! Yeah, are there any nachos in here, little tree?
Are you sure you don't need some fresh air, Ms. Barton?
The teacher laughs hysterically and moves off into the crowd.
Okay...
Hey, this is not normal. (off Buffy's look) Well, maybe that goes without saying.
Suddenly Snyder is standing there between them. He's got a huge grin plastered across his face and he drapes his arms over Buffy and Willow's shoulders.
Hey, gang! This place is Fun City, huh?
Principal Snyder?
Call me Snyder. Just a last name, like... Barbarino.
He imitates John Travolta's swagger. Willow backs slightly away from him.
Oh! I'm so stoked! (beat) Hey, did you see Ms. Barton? I think she's wasted. I'm going to have to put that in her next performance review because... (smiles) because I'm the principal!
Snyder turns around and heads back into the crowd.
I don't like this. They could have heart attacks.
Well... maybe there's a doctor here.
An older, shirtless man jumps up onto the stage, pushes Devon away from the microphone and yells out into the crowd.
Yeeeeaaaaaah!
I think that is my doctor.
The man jumps from the stage, expecting to be caught by the crowd, but they don't react fast enough and he slams to the floor. Willow and Buffy both cringe.
He's usually less... topless.
Snyder reappears sticks his head between the girls.
I got a commendation for being principal. From the Mayor! Shook my hand twice.
That's nice.
Two attractive women walk past with drinks. Snyder makes eyes at them.
Whoa! There are some foxy ladies here tonight!
He scurries off after them as Buffy and Willow retreat in the other direction.
What's happening?
I don't know, but it's happening to a whole lot of grownups.
They're acting like a bunch--
They're acting like a bunch of us.
I don't act like this.
Boxes of chocolate bars are rolling off of the line. Mr. Trick and Ethan Rayne walk through the shipping area.
Demand's high.
I thought it might be.
That's the reason I love this country. You make a good product and the people will come to you. Of course, a lot of them are going to die but that's the other reason I love this country.
Trick steps over to the man inspecting the boxes before they are sealed.
Hey! Don't sample the product.
But I didn't.
Trick seizes him by the overalls, takes him in a headlock and snaps his neck. He drops the corpse to the floor as Ethan looks away in distaste. Trick straightens his jacket and checks his pinky ring and they continue to walk.
Okay. How did you know he was--
I don't. Now I know no one else will. (checks his watch) We're getting close. (to a line worker) Keep it flowing. (to Ethan) It's almost feeding time.
He heads off leaving Ethan to oversee the production and shipment of their product.
The Dingoes are between sets and Oz has joined Willow and Buffy.
Something's definitely changing them.
A spell?
They're teenagers. It's a sobering mirror to look into, huh?
Snyder walks by, sees Oz, and stops.
You've got great hair.
He walks around Oz, smiling and staring at his hair.
Suddenly the music stops and a group of older men start singing Louie Louie on stage. They are off key, out of sync and basically just plain terrible but the crowd dances to them anyway.
An old nerd walks by as Buffy and Oz stare.
It just gets more upsetting.
Several older couples on the dance floor kiss passionately.
No vampire has ever been that scary.
Behind them, a man staggers through the crowd, drunk and munching on a chocolate bar. He bumps into another man and a shoving match results.
Fight!
Fight!
Willow lets out a helpless sigh and Buffy starts for the exit.
We've gotta figure out what's going on. This has Hellmouth fingerprints all over it.
Willow and Oz follow but she stops by a pinball machine where she sees a woman hold out a candy bar to her boyfriend. He takes a huge bite while he plays the game. Snyder notices them leaving and catches up.
Hey, where are we going?
The three teenagers rush out and head for Joyce's car.
Wait up, you guys! Hey! You guys aren't trying to ditch me, are ya?
Buffy, Willow and Oz pile into the Jeep.
We should find Giles. He'll know what's going on, right?
Snyder runs up to the passenger side of the car and finding all the seats taken, goes around to the driver's side.
Sure. Except for all we know, he's sweet sixteen again.
He's with your mom at his place.
Buffy starts the car as Snyder opens the door behind her and gets in.
I said wait up!
Uh, Snyder...
No time. He's coming with us.
She puts the car in gear and slams on the gas, tires spinning on the asphalt parking lot.
Whoa, Summers! You drive like a spaz!
Two father types, one in his Volvo, the other in his Hyundai, are gunning their engines and munching on chocolate while waiting for the light to turn green. They look over at each other and nod and smile in anticipation. A moment later the light turns and they're off, tires screeching loudly as they race across the intersection and down the street.
The mailman is sitting on the carousel reading other people's mail. He laughs while he reads, then opens another one. Behind him, couples are necking and chasing each other around. Near the jungle gym a couple of guys toss a Frisbee.
Buffy and company race through the darkened streets.
It'll be okay when we get to Giles'.
Of course, I mean, even if he's sixteen, he's still Giles, right? He's probably a pretty together guy.
Yeah, well...
What?
Giles at sixteen? Less Together Guy, more Bad-Magic-Hates- The-World-Ticking-Time-Bomb Guy.
Well, then I guess your mom's in a lot of trouble.
Giles and Joyce walk along the street, arm-in-arm. Joyce is audibly smacking her chewing gum while Giles chain smokes.
Must be exciting being from England.
Not particularly. You cold?
Nah. I feel... special, like I'm just waking up, kinda.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah, like getting married and having a kid and everything was just a dream and now things are back like they're supposed to be.
Yeah?
They walk past a boutique with some retro clothes on display and stop to look. Joyce spies a feathered wrap.
That's cool! Very Juice Newton.
You fancy it?
Yeah, but the store's closed.
Giles takes a final drag from his cigarette, then tosses it aside. He grabs a trashcan and idly swings it toward the store's display window. The glass shatters, triggering the alarm. Joyce smiles and giggles hysterically while Giles climbs in and takes the wrap off of the mannequin. He also takes the mannequin's hat and sets it on his head. Joyce looks around nervously for any response to the alarm. Giles hops down to the sidewalk from the window.
Woo-hoo!
Oh, Ripper! Wow, that was sooo brave!
As he helps her on with the wrap, a policeman suddenly appears behind them, gun drawn.
Hold it!
Giles and Joyce freeze.
The Jeep speeds toward an intersection.
This is great! Let's do doughnuts in the football field, huh?
They head into the intersection. Another Jeep comes from the other direction. The driver is too busy trying to unwrap a chocolate bar to realize that his light is red.
Oh, my god, look out!
They all brace for the impact as the other Jeep hits them broadside.
The police officer levels his semiautomatic at Giles as Joyce backs away slowly. Giles tosses his hat aside and steps toward the officer, waving his arms around, taunting him.
Oh... copper's got a gun! You'll never use it, though, man.
Will so.
Giles spies a candy bar in the officer's front jacket pocket.
Ripper, be careful!
Distracted, the officer looks away and Giles bats the gun aside, then head-butts the cop and knees him in the gut. Giles twists the officer's arm up above his head and takes the pistol from him, at the same time kicking him in the face. The cop falls over unconscious and Giles sticks the gun into the back of his pants.
Told him he'd never use it.
He sashays coolly over to Joyce as she leans against the police car.
You are sooo cool. (laughs) You're like Burt Reynolds.
In a flash, Giles has one hand around her neck and the other around her back. She gasps but doesn't struggle. Instead she takes the gum out of her mouth and they kiss passionately. Giles leans her back over the hood of the car. CU on the crest of the Sunnydale Police Department emblazoned on the car door as we hear sounds of mounting passion.
Buffy's accident site. The two Jeeps are stopped side by side facing in opposite directions. The driver of the other Jeep jumps out of his car.
Sorry! Gotta go!
He runs off laughing as Buffy and the others get out of her mother's car. Her first instinct is to chase the man but she lets him go as she looks at crumpled rear fender.
Oh, god. Are you guys okay?
Is anybody else all creeped out and trembly?
Off to the side, they notice three men sitting in the playground, laughing and smoking.
Oh, Buffy... your mom's going to kill you.
Buffy looks to the other side of the street and sees five guys hanging out by a tree.
Something's weird.
Something's not?
No grownups.
Two women strut past the men in the park, munching on chocolate. The guys give them catcalls as Snyder starts to unwrap a bar of his own.
No one's protecting their houses. Everyone's just... wandering.
A man runs up behind Snyder, grabs his chocolate bar and runs off with it.
Hey! Hey, give it!
Snyder chases after the man.
Defenseless.
So where are all the vampires? Soup's on but no one's grabbing a spoon.
Something's happening... someplace that's else.
I'd say something big.
That guy took my candy!
Buffy suddenly gets it and gives Willow and Oz an astonished look.
The candy. It's gotta be the candy! It's cursed.
A curse? Oh, I've got a curse.
God, using candy for evil!
My parents ate a ton.
Buffy looks over at Snyder, then pushes him up against the car.
Who's behind it?
I don't know. It came through the school board. If you knew that crowd...
Where did it come from? Do you know where to get it?
Yeah.
You guys get Xander and Cordelia. Go to the library and look it up.
Candy curses?
Disturbing second childhood. Got it.
She takes Oz by the hand and they head off.
Ratboy and I are going to the source.
She shoves him toward the car.
Factory workers are tossing chocolate bars into a large crowd that has formed in the plant's parking lot. Pan over the crowd, which is getting larger and rowdier by the minute, past Giles and Joyce, who are making out in a big way, over to Joyce's Jeep as Buffy pulls to a screeching halt.
Buffy and Snyder get out and march over to the crowd. She walks past her mother and Watcher and then stops in her tracks as her mind registers what she just saw.
Mom? Giles?
Go away. We're busy.
Mom!
She pulls her mother away from her Giles.
Hey!
Where did you get that coat? Never mind. Listen--
Giles takes her arm and spins her to face him.
Back off!
Giles, think about this. You want to fight me or you want to let me talk to my mother?
Giles realizes he wouldn't stand a chance against her and backs down, taking a cigarette from behind his ear. Buffy turns back to her mother as Giles lights up.
Mom, look at me. Do you know who I am?
Of course. You're Buffy. (to crowd) Hey, look. They're giving away candy. You want some candy?
No, I don't! And you don't need any more, either.
I'm fine. I can have more if I want.
You are not fine. You need to go home.
Screw you. I want candy!
Mom!
You want to slay stuff and I'm not allowed to do anything about it. Well, this is what I want to do, so get off my back!
Mom, please, this is--
Giles pulls Joyce away from Buffy.
Oh, for god's sake. Just let your mum have the sodding candy. C'mon, Joyce.
Buffy points at her mother's car.
Mom, look at your car. Look at that dent the size of New Brunswick. I did that.
Joyce can't believe her eyes.
Oh, my god. What was I thinking when I bought the Geek Machine?
Giles cracks up. Buffy gives up on her mother and steps over to Giles.
Listen to me. You need--
No, you listen to me. I'm your Watcher, so you do what I tell you. (points at the Jeep) Now, sod off!
Buffy takes the cigarette from his mouth, throws it down and crushes it.
Take her home.
Buffy heads for the crowd and Giles takes Joyce's by the hand and starts after her.
Joyce...
Buffy pushes her way through the crowd toward the loading dock. She steps up on a crate and dispatches one of the men tossing candy to the crowd by punching him in the back of the knee. He crumples and falls off of the end of the dock. Buffy flips up onto the platform as the other man throws the box of candy bars at her. The man tries to punch her but she ducks punches him in the side and then backhands him in the face. She seizes him by the shirt, spins him around and launches him off of the dock and into a wall. He hits hard and slides to the pavement. She spots Giles and her mother at the base of the loading dock stuffing chocolate bars into their pockets, and runs over to them.
Mom!
Her mother ignores her so Buffy grabs her by the arms and yanks her up onto the loading dock.
Hey!
You leave her alone!
Buffy kicks in the door to the factory as Giles hops up onto the dock. He follows Buffy and Joyce into the building. In the crowd, Snyder sees them leaving and rushes to catch up.
Hey, Brit-face! Wait up!
Buffy pulls her mother into the shipping area and lets go of her.
Stay.
The place is piled to the ceiling with cases of Milkbars. Buffy looks around to see what she can find. Across the room from the conveyor where the boxes are sealed, she sees a man on the phone. He's alone. Giles and Snyder enter the shipping area behind Buffy.
It smells so chocolatey.
Buffy approaches the man on the phone.
This is far out.
Yeah, I've been out there. Town's wide open. You guys can go anytime.
Buffy immediately recognizes Ethan's voice and quickly closes the distance between them.
Ethan Rayne.
He turns to face her and his eyes go wide with surprise. Upon hearing the name, Giles approaches with Joyce close behind. Together the three of them make an imposing sight.
Might want to hurry.
Ethan.
Ripper.
Ethan immediately bolts for the door with Buffy and Giles in pursuit.
Oz and Xander are up in the stacks researching while Cordelia and Willow sit at the study table looking through the more promising volumes.
At first it was fun, you know? They seemed like they were in this really good mood-- not like parents-- and then...
Badness?
Mom started borrowing my clothes. There should be an age limit on lycra pants. And Dad, he just locked himself in the bathroom with old copies of Esquire.
Xander comes down and dumps a couple more books on the table.
I don't get this. The candy's supposed to make you feel all immature and stuff but I've had a ton and I don't feel any dif-- (off the girls' looks) Never mind.
He holds two books out for Willow.
I'll take that one.
As she takes the book, her thumb brushes Xander's and they both feel a spark of electricity. They allow the touch to linger a little longer than it needs to. They look at each other for a moment, then Xander heads back up into the stacks. Cordelia is oblivious to the whole exchange.
You want to swap?
What? (confused) Swap?
She trades books with Willow.
You want to swap? This book is really thick and I'm not sure it's in English.
Willow realizes her misunderstanding and goes back to her research, relieved.
Ethan runs through a maze of candy bar cases. He reaches the end of an aisle and turns left as Buffy and Giles pursue. But Ethan is tricky and Buffy skids around a corner to discover that she's lost him. Behind her, Giles stops running as well, wheezing heavily.
Where... bloody hell!
That's what smoking will do to you. Now be quiet.
Well... where'd the bastard go?
Shh!
She looks around and listens carefully. She moves around a corner and stops.
What?
Buffy suddenly spins and hooks a kick into one of the crates. She yanks away a chunk of wood, reaches in and pulls Ethan's head out.
Look. A box full of farm-fresh chicken.
Ethan gives her a nervous smile but it quickly fades.
Snyder and Joyce sitting on the conveyor, munching chocolate bars.
Do you suppose they're okay?
Mm-hm. So... are you two kinda like goin' steady?
Joyce rolls her eyes and hops down from the conveyor to get away from him. Snyder watches her go, sticks another piece of chocolate in his mouth and sighs deeply.
Buffy and Ethan.
So Ethan, what are we playing? We're pretty much in a talk-or- bleed situation. Your call.
Hit him.
Buffy glares at Giles, then looks back at Ethan.
I'd just like to point out that this wasn't my idea.
Meaning?
I'm subcontracting. It's Trick you want. I'm just helping him collect a tribute... for a demon.
He's lying. Hit him!
I don't think he is and shut up.
You're my Slayer. Go knock his teeth down his thr--
Giles! (to Ethan) What demon?
I don't remember.
Buffy punches him solidly in the nose. He stumbles back against the broken crate. Giles jumps and swings his fist through the air.
Yes!
Buffy gives Giles a withering look and his smile vanishes.
Lurconis. Demon named Lurconis. They wanted a way to get the tribute away from people.
So you're just Diversion Guy?
More than a diversion. Well, they said the tribute was big, so big that people would never let them take it. That people had to be out-of-it. And later on, when the candy wore off, they'd blame themselves.
Hence, land of the irresponsible. So where's Trick?
I don't know exactly.
Hit him again.
Buffy holds up her fist and threatens Ethan. Ethan cowers.
No! I really don't know. Delivering the tribute.
Buffy looms over him, her voice hard as steel.
Which brings us to the bonus question and believe me when I say a wrong answer will cost you all your points.
Behind her Giles leaps happily into the air, anticipating a good fight.
What's the tribute?
The phones are ringing off the hook and all of the circuits on the switchboard at the nurse's station are flashing. The NURSE ignores them all and watches a sitcom on her small television. Four vampires boldly enter and walk right past the nurse.
She doesn't even notice them. They make their way to the nursery where the newborns are kept and enter. Each of them carefully takes a crying baby from its crib and quickly depart with their tribute.
Snyder is keeping an eye on Ethan while Buffy is on the phone with Willow at the library.
Right. Lurconis.
Lurconis. A demon. What's his deal?
See if it says anything about a tribute.
A tribute? Like what?
I don't know. (re: Ethan) My source is all tapped out.
She whupped you good, huh? (throws two punches) Yah! Wah! I can do that. I took Tae Kwon Do at the Y.
Snyder goes into a series of kicks and punches, advancing toward Joyce, trying to impress her. She rolls her eyes, looks away and sighs, unimpressed. Snyder realizes it's not working and sulks. Joyce blows a huge bubble.
No, no. It's definitely a demon. A big one.
Ethan notices a crowbar on a nearby table. He takes advantage of Snyder's distraction and picks it up, advancing toward Buffy. Giles, however, notices Ethan's furtive movements and cocks the hammer on his stolen handgun and jams it in Ethan's neck.
I wouldn't.
Ethan stops cold and Buffy turns around and swings the telephone receiver hard into Ethan's chin. He spins down to the floor, dropping the crowbar. Giles aims the gun at the back of Ethan's head, execution style as Buffy hands the phone to her mother. She holds her hand out to Giles
Giles, give me the gun. (beat) Giles...
He keeps the gun aimed at Ethan.
Now.
After another moment Giles reluctantly gives up the weapon. Buffy sticks it in the back of her jeans as Joyce holds the phone out to Buffy.
It's Willow. She wants you real bad.
Uh-huh?
Library. Oz brings a dusty old book to Willow and points at an entry.
Okay, Oz just found it. (reads) 'The tribute to Lurconis is made every thirty years.' It's a ritual feeding. And this one's late, so it's probably, you know, a big meal.
Oz points to another paragraph and Willow reads silently for a moment.
Oh. And... (horrified) Oh. Lurconis eats babies.
Buffy immediately hangs up the phone, takes her mother by the hand and starts to leave.
Come on.
Well, what about that man?
Buffy turns to see Giles holding the crowbar over Ethan, who is still unconscious on the floor.
See if you guys can find something to tie him up with.
Joyce reaches behind her back and pulls out a set of handcuffs, dangling them from her thumb and giving her daughter a sheepish but mischievous look.
Never tell me.
Buffy takes the cuffs over to Ethan.
Buffy examines an ID bracelet left behind in one of the empty cribs. Giles is outside the room talking with the nurse on duty.
I didn't see anything. I don't know where they are.
Something's going to eat those babies?
What can I do?
I think that is so wrong.
Get off my back about it!
Giles comes back into the room.
She says she never saw who took them. Dozy cow.
I know who took them.
Well, then let's do something. Let's find the demon and... kick the crap out of it.
Is that what happens now?
Yeah, if we knew where they were.
Giles suddenly remembers a passage from a book and quotes it.
'Lurconis dwells beneath the city, filth to filth.'
What?
Oh! I know this. (beat) I knew this. 'Lurconis' means... 'glutton'. And we'll find it in the sewers.
The sewers?
Good. You go do that thing with the demon and I'll stay here in case the babies, you know... find their way back.
The babies must be so scared.
You filthy little ponce. Are you afraid of a little demon?
If you want to splash around in the poo, you're the filthy one!
Giles shoves him back and Buffy gets between them.
Okay, you know what? Everybody just stop it! (to Snyder) Okay, listen to me. (to Giles) I need help, okay? Giles, I need grownups.
Snyder and Giles stare each other down.
These children are going to die if we don't act now, okay, and think clearly. There is no room for mistakes. Besides which... you guys are just wigging me out.
Snyder and Giles finally back down and Giles puts his arm around Joyce.
Sorry.
We'll behave.
Good. (to Snyder) Snyder, go home.
I can do that.
He turns and scurries out.
Giles, we're going to the sewers.
Giles kisses her mother and Buffy cringes.
And don't do that!
They break off their kiss and reluctantly follow her.
Pan from a storm drain tunnel into a large chamber lit by firelight from torches and candles. Mayor Wilkins is standing near the back in shadow. He takes out his cell phone and dials his secretary. Mr. Trick is nearby watching the four vampires who stole the children as they chant in Latin. They are dressed in red robes,
standing on the wide concrete rim of a small pool. One of them takes a shallow bowl of water from the pool and begins to anoint each of the babies with it.
Come on, big guy. They're not getting any fresher.
Carol. Hi. Yeah. Call Dave on the Public Works Committee tomorrow about sewer maintenance and repair. I have some concerns regarding exposed gas pipes, infrastructure, ventilation. And cancel my 3:00.
The last two babies are anointed. Suddenly Buffy drops down from above through a manhole. The Mayor turns to face her.
Hi.
As she moves in to attack, Giles climbs down the ladder behind her. The robed vampires move to intercept them as Mayor Wilkins makes a hasty retreat.
As Buffy engages the vampires, Giles and Joyce run over to the table and wheel the babies away. Once the babies are safely away, Giles leaves Joyce with them and returns to the fight.
Buffy is fighting all three vampires and Mr. Trick and holding her own. She manages to stake two of them and kicks the third one into the dark brackish water of the sacrificial pool
A deep and ominous rumbling fills the chamber as the vampire tries to get up out of the water. He manages to climb onto a pedestal in the middle of the pool.
What the hell's that?
The vampire gets to his knees just as a huge demon snake appears through a side tunnel near the water. It swallows the vampire on the pedestal in one bite and retreats back into the tunnel.
Lurconis, I'm thinking.
Ordinarily, I like other people to do my fighting for me but I just gotta see what you got.
Just tell me when it hurts.
She starts to advance on Trick but Giles knocks her to the side and takes on Trick himself.
Giles! No!
He throws a solid left to Trick's jaw but he isn't fazed. He seizes Giles by the shirt and throws him into the pool. Trick makes a dash for it as Giles starts to climb out of the water. The rumbling starts again, quicker this time. Buffy looks around frantically for a way to stop the demon. She spots a gas main above her and leaps up to it. It breaks under her weight and gas jets out of it. Giles is out of the water now and rolls over the rim of the pool and down to the floor. Buffy angles the gas pipe into one of the torches, and it bursts into flame. She aims the makeshift flame-thrower at Lurconis and the snake demon rears back, screaming in pain as the flames sear him. Joyce watches in terror as Buffy moves the pipe around, engulfing Lurconis in flames. She pushes the gas pipe aside as the demon retreats back into its tunnel, screaming. Above her Trick smiles down through the open manhole.
You and me, girl. There's hard times ahead.
They never just leave. Always gotta say something.
Can we go home now?
Yeah, we can go home. I've got the SATs tomorrow.
Oh, blow them off. I'll write you a note.
No. It's okay.
Joyce returns to the helpless infants on the table and begins to push them toward the sewer exit.
Poor babies. Come on...
Mr. Trick is sitting while Mayor Wilkins paces behind him.
And your friend?
Paid him. The man did his job. No reason to burn that bridge.
This didn't turn out the way I had planned.
Where's the downside? You just got yourself one less demon you have to pay tribute to. The way I see it, I did you a favor.
I guess you did.
Wilkins puts his hands on Trick's shoulders and leans in close to his ear.
In the future... I'd be very careful how many favors you do for me.
He lets go of Trick and steps away and Trick eyes him coldly.
The weekend is over. It's Monday. The bell rings and Snyder comes rushing down the hall. Xander spots him.
Hey, Snyder. Heard you had some fun Friday night. Have you come down yet?
Behind him, Cordelia smiles but tries to hide it.
That's 'Principal' Snyder.
And that's a big 'yep'.
Snyder eyes Xander, Cordelia, Willow and Oz.
You look like four young people with too much time on your hands.
Not really.
Busy like a bee, actually. (smiles) Bee-like!
Good. It seems we had some vandalism Friday on school property and I was just looking for some... volunteers to help clean it up.
Snyder indicates a bank of lockers just down the hall. Willow reads the words spray-painted across them.
'Kiss rocks'? Why would anyone want to kiss... (off Snyder's look) Oh, wait. I get it.
Let's get you some paint remover.
The four of them reluctantly follow him.
Giles and Buffy walk toward the parking lot.
It was just too much to deal with. It was like nothing made sense anymore. The things that I thought I understood were gone. I just felt... so alone.
Was that the math or the verbal?
Mostly the math.
Well, if you scored low, then you can take them again.
More SATs? (sighs) Is there really a point? I could die before I even apply to college.
Joyce pulls to a stop at the curb with a squeal of brakes.
And then, you very possibly might not.
Well, let's just keep hope alive.
Joyce gets out of the car and approaches them awkwardly.
Hello.
Hi.
I say, your car seems to have had an adventure, doesn't it?
Buffy assures me that it happened battling evil, so I'm letting her pay for it on the installment plan.
Hey, the way things were going, be glad that's the worst that happened. At least I got to the two of you before you actually did something.
Buffy walks around to the passenger's side to get in. Giles and Joyce both look anywhere but at each other.
Right.
Indeed.
Yes.
They both quickly head off in opposite directions.