[Transcript of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" episode The Zeppo at buffyology.com.]
A thick mist obscures the scene. Two blue-gray-skinned demons lie dead on the cave floor while a third angrily searches for their killers. FAITH is standing in the shadows and BUFFY is up on a ledge, watching the demon anxiously. GILES is in a recess waiting for the right moment to strike. WILLOW slowly steps into the cave entrance carrying a lit candle. After a moment, she quietly recites her spell.
Obscurate nos non diutius. (No longer conceal.)
She blows out the candle and a wind springs up and sucks the fog out of the cave. The demon is now clearly visible to everyone. Its teeth are sharp, yet there are no fangs. It has very long pointed ears and a series of horns starting just above its eyes and continuing up on its high, thick forehead. It snarls as it spins around, ready to attack. Suddenly, Buffy jumps from the ledge above and drives the demon to the ground as Giles charges out and seizes one of its arms. Together they haul the demon up and slam it against the wall. It flips Giles off, sending him crashing into the wall where he crumples to the ground.
Now!
Faith rushes forward holding a sword raised in both hands and charges the demon. Before it can react, Faith plunges the sword through its heart. The demon screams in agony as Faith wrenches the sword out of the demon's chest and Buffy drops it to the ground. Giles looks down at the dead creature with satisfaction.
I think that was the last.
Willow walks forward, visibly shaken but trying to cover with a smile.
Willow, you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine. The shaking is a side effect of the fear.
Buffy helps Giles to his feet.
Thank you.
Well, if it wasn't for that clouding spell...
Yeah, it went good! Nothing melted like last time.
These babes were wicked rowdy. What's their deal?
I wish I knew.
He crouches down and rolls the demon over to examine it.
Most of my sources have dried up since the Council has relieved me of my duties. I was aware there was a nest here, but quite frankly, I expected it to be vampires. These are new.
And improved.
Yes. I'm sorry. I should've had you better prepared and I should never have allowed Willow and...
He looks around, confused and they all realize that XANDER is nowhere to be seen. Something stirs under a nearby pile of garbage. Xander crawls out from under a collapsed cardboard box and other refuse.
I'm good. We're fine. Just a little bit dirty. Good show, everyone. Just great. I think we have a hit.
Are you okay?
Tip-top, really. If anyone sees my spine laying around, just try not to step on it.
Xander, one of these days, you're going to get yourself hurt.
Or killed.
Or both. And you know, with the pain and the death, maybe you shouldn't be leaping into the fray like that. Maybe you should be... fray-adjacent.
Xander is slightly miffed at her suggestion.
Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?
Yeah. That was real manly how you shrieked and all.
I think you'll find that was more of a bellow.
What do we do with the trio here? Should we burn them?
I brought marshmallows. (off their looks) Occasionally I'm callous and strange.
I expect we can leave them. I'm more interested in finding out what they are and whether we can expect more of their kind.
I hope not. They're way too fit.
I say bring 'em on!
As the girls leave the cave, Giles steps up to Xander and puts his hand on his shoulder.
Xander, I think in the future perhaps it would be best if you hung back to the rear of the battle, you know, for your own sake.
But, gee, Mr. White, if Clark and Lois get all the good stories, I'll never be a good reporter.
Giles doesn't get it.
Jimmy Olsen jokes're pretty much gonna be lost on you, huh?
Sorry.
Hey, it's okay.
Opening credit sequence.
It's lunch hour and two jocks are throwing a football back and forth. Xander hops around, trying to get their attention.
Hey, Doug, pass me one!
DOUG shoots him an annoyed look and throws the ball to the other jock.
Les-man, I'm open!
A cheerleader looks over to see what the fuss is about.
Les, buddy!
Les ignores him and throws the ball back to Doug.
Doug, right here, man. Right here. Doug, please!
Doug sighs and gives in. He throws the ball high and long and Xander has to run for it.
All right! It's all me!
He gets to the ball in time but fumbles the catch. The ball bounces awkwardly away from him and over to JACK O'TOOLE, sitting alone eating his lunch. The ball hits Jack in the hands, knocking his bag of chips to the ground. He looks down at his scattered chips in surprise and snatches up the ball. Xander runs over to him as Jack stands up, holding the ball in his hands.
Boy, I am so sorry. Doug's arm is kinda like spaghetti. We're all so very sad for him. Is your lunch okay?
What are you, retarded?
No! No, I had to take that test when I was seven. A little slow in some stuff, mostly math and spatial relations, but certainly not challenged or anything. Can I get you another soda?
I ought to cut your face open.
Hey, whoa... it was an accident. Cool down.
You want to be startin' somethin'?
What? Starting something? (grins) Like that Michael Jackson song, right? That was a lot of fun. 'Too high to get over, yeah, yeah...' Remember that fun song?
Jack takes a menacing step forward and Xander steps back nervously.
I get my buddies together, we're going to kick your ass till it's a brand-new shape.
Xander knows he's not kidding. Jack throws the ball at him.
Now get out of here.
Xander hurries away while he still can.
Yo, man! The ball!
As Xander throws it back to Doug, he notices CORDELIA nearby.
Boy, of all the humiliations you've had that I've witnessed, that was the latest.
I could've taken him.
Oh, please. O'Toole would macramÈ your face. He is a psycho. Which is still a lot cooler than being a wuss.
Why is it that I've come face-to-face with vampires, demons-- the most hideous creatures Hell ever spit out-- and I'm still afraid of a little bully like Jack O'Toole?
Because, unlike all those creatures that you've come face-to-face with, Jack actually noticed you were there.
Why am I surprised by how comforting you're not?
It must be really hard when all your friends have like superpowers-- Slayer, werewolf, witches, vampires-- and you're like this little nothing. You must feel like Jimmy Olsen.
I was just talking to... (suddenly offended) Hey, mind your own business!
Oh, I struck a nerve. The boy that had no cool.
I happen to be an integral part of that group. I happen to have a lot to offer.
Oh, please.
I do!
Integral part of the group? Xander, you're the useless part of the group. You're the Zeppo. 'Cool.' Look it up. It's something that a sub-literate that's repeated twelfth grade three times has and you don't.
She turns and walks away, smiling with satisfaction, leaving Xander hurt and confused.
There was no part of that that wasn't fun.
Today it's kraut-dogs or spaghetti. The kitchen staff doles out the food. Pan up to reveal Xander and OZ sitting at a table finishing their lunch.
But... it's just that it's buggin' me, this 'cool' thing. I mean, what is it? How do you get it? Who doesn't have it? And who decides who doesn't have it? What is the essence of cool?
Not sure.
I mean, you yourself, Oz, are considered more or less cool. Why is that?
Am I?
Is it about the talking? You know, the way you tend to express yourself in short, noncommittal phrases?
Could be.
I know! You're in a band! That's like a business-class ticket to cool with complementary mojo after takeoff! I gotta learn an instrument. Is it hard to play guitar?
Not the way I play it.
Okay, but on the other hand: eighth grade. I'm taking the fl¸gelhorn and gettin' zero trim. So the whole instrument thing could be a mislead. (beat) But you need a thing, one thing nobody else has. What do I have?
An exciting new obsession. Which I feel makes you very special.
Now with the mocking. Which I can handle because I know I'm right about this. I'm on the track. I just need to find my thing.
It seems like you're over-thinking it. I mean, you got some identity issues. It's not--
Giles walks out of the cage past Buffy. The clock on the wall behind Giles reads 5:20.
The end of the world?
Can they do that?
They seem fairly committed. The Sisterhood of Jhe is an apocalypse cult. They exist solely to bring about the world's destruction and we've not seen the last of them. More will follow.
And they're here in Sunnydale for what? Demon Expo?
Buffy, this is no laughing matter.
Hence my no laughing.
I'm sorry. I know I'm no longer your official Watcher, but...
The library door opens and they look up as Oz walks in.
Hey.
Hey.
You're cutting it a bit close.
Well, you know me.
Oz steps into the cage and pulls the door closed behind him. The privacy drapes have already been raised and he begins to undress, starting with his jacket.
Well, do we know why they're here?
I think so. Based on some artifacts I found with them, and taking into account the current astral cycle--
Giles, I don't need to see the math.
They intend to open the Hellmouth.
The Hellmouth? The one that opens--
About twenty feet from where you're standing.
Buffy looks behind her at the area under the study table where the Hellmouth last opened nearly two years before.
Oz transforms into a wolf and leaps against the cage, howling with rage.
Willow and Buffy arrive for school.
And if it opens?
Do you remember the demon that almost got out the night I died?
Every nightmare I have that doesn't revolve around academic failure or public nudity is about that thing. In fact, once I dreamt that it attacked me while I was late for a test and naked.
Well, it'll be the first to come out and Giles says it won't be the worst by a long shot. The world will be overrun with demons if we don't stop it.
Do we know when this is supposed to happen?
Giles is trying to narrow it down. If you're up for it, we're heading into deep research mode.
I'd be offended if you haven't already counted me in.
Thanks, Will. There's something about this one that... scares me. I need my Willow.
Buffy wraps her friend up in a hug.
Oh, you don't have to be afraid--
They both jump when a car pulls up behind them with a blast of its horn. They spin around to find Xander behind the wheel of a light blue 1957 Chevrolet Bel Air convertible. The radio is blaring. Xander is decked out in shades and black leather jacket.
You girls need a lift?
What is this?
What do you mean, what is it? It's my thing.
Your thing?
My thing!
Is this a penis metaphor?
It's my thing that makes me cool. You know, that makes me unique. (off their blank looks) I'm Car Guy. Guy with the car.
How can you afford it?
Uncle Rory stacked up the DUIs, let me rent this bad boy till he's mobile again.
Buffy smiles uncertainly.
Well, it's nice.
Could you sound a little less enthused?
Sorry.
Evil.
Big?
Biggest. Maybe more than I can handle.
Then we'll handle it together. You know I'm here for you. Just tell me what I can do.
Xander stands at the counter, placing his order.
I'll take two glazed, two cinnamon, couple cream-filled and a jelly. No, let's round that out to four jellies.
The clerk fills the order and boxes it up as Cordelia walks in.
Oh, is some evil going on? Must be big for them to entrust you with this daredevil mission.
Cordelia. Feel free to drop dead of a wasting disease in the next twenty seconds.
Cordelia is pleased with his reaction.
Oh, again I strike the nerve. I am the surgeon of mean.
I'm kinda busy right now, okay?
Right. Buffy needs your help. Can you say 'expendable'?
You think you know everything.
I think I know you.
That's a laugh.
Oh, what? You got a shiny car and now you're someone new? Like anybody even cares about...
Suddenly LYSETTE, a sexy blonde, approaches Xander.
Is that your car?
Why... yes! It is!
She walks around the car, checking out the equipment, surveying it closely.
Fifty-seven Chevy Bel Air... 283 CID... solid lifter... fuel- injected V-8...
Very possibly.
How does she handle?
Cordelia is fascinated by this display.
Like a dream about warm sticky things. Would you like to go for a little drive?
You busy?
He holds up the doughnut box.
Just gotta drop this stuff off and then I would describe myself as... (pointed, to Cordelia) expendable.
Cordelia is disgusted with the whole scene.
Xander opens the door for Lysette, then jumps into the car himself. Xander starts the car, puts it in drive, gives Cordelia one last look of triumph and peels away from the curb.
Xander and Lysette are sitting at a table with drinks. She is chattering incessantly and Xander looks infinitely bored.
...and then I started seeing Dave Peck. Had a Thunderbird, engine completely tricked out, but the upholstery was kind of shot. So then I started seeing his friend Mike. Not the Mike with the Mercedes. The Mike with the Mustang. An '82 V-6. You know the look.
Xander sees ANGEL enter the Bronze.
Angel!
Lysette looks toward the entrance as Xander stands up and waves him over with a smile.
Buddy! Friend-buddy. You want to sit and talk?
I'm looking for Buffy.
Library, last I saw.
Something's happening. I've seen portents.
The Apocalypse. They're on top of it.
I don't think they know what they're dealing with.
Let's go there... and tell them that.
No. It's best you stay out of harm's way.
He turns and abruptly leaves.
But I can help!
Hey, you want to go for another drive?
Xander relents and they make their way out the door.
Xander and Lysette walk to the car.
Y'know, it's not like I haven't helped before. I've done some quality violence for those people. Do they even think about that?
Lysette gets in and slides over to the passenger's side and Xander pulls the door closed.
I mean... they act like I'm some sort of klutz.
He steps on the gas without looking where he's going and the car lurches forward, hitting the car parked in front of them. Xander slams on the brakes and puts the car into park.
Oh, god! Are you all right?
He gets out of the car and cautiously inspects to the damage. There is only some slight bumper damage and a broken taillight on the other car.
Oh, god! Stay calm. Little fender bender. It's not...
Jack O'Toole gets out of the other car, seething with anger. Jack stares at Xander for a long moment, letting the fear sink in.
...the end of the world.
Werewolf Oz growls in his cage as he stares hungrily at Willow and Buffy sitting at the table. Willow looks over her shoulder at him with concern.
He's cranky.
It's a good night for it.
Can't dogs sense when there's an earthquake and they bark? Or cows lie down or something?
'Sisterhood of Jhe. Race of female demons, fierce warriors...' Eww. '...celebrate victory in battle by eating their foes.' They couldn't just pour Gatorade on each other?
Giles come out of his office carrying a heavy leather bag.
The Council wouldn't even take my calls. Idiots. Anything useful in the books?
Not wildly.
We still have the Books of Pherion to go through.
I'm getting itchy feet, Giles. We don't turn up something soon, I'm going to hit the streets. Maybe check out Willy's.
Fine.
He goes back into his office for his overcoat.
Where are you going?
To try and contact the Spirit Guides. They exist out of time but have knowledge of the future. I have no idea if they will respond to my efforts but I have to try. All we know is that the fate of the entire world rests on it. (re: doughnuts) Did you eat all the jellies?
Did you want a jelly?
I always have a jelly. I'm always the one that says 'let's have a jelly in the mix.'
We're sorry. (beat) Buffy had three.
Buffy shoots Willow an evil look.
No matter. If Xander makes another run...
No. Xander's out of this. He nearly got killed last time we fought. This whole thing will be easier if we know he's safe.
Jack approaches Xander menacingly.
Oh, gosh, Jack, man, are, are you okay? I am really sorry about that. But your car came out of nowhere.
I was parked.
Exactly. Look, I can cover the damages. I don't have insurance in the strictest sense of the word, but I have a little money. The important thing is that we're alright and we can work this out like two reasonable...
Jack takes out a very long hunting knife and points it at Xander.
...frontiersmen.
Where do you want it?
What?
Where do you want it?
I'm fairly certain I don't want it at all, but thank you.
Lysette is bored and impatient.
Wow. Cool knife.
She rolls her eyes and walks back to the car.
Yeah. Great knife. Although I think it may technically be a sword.
She's called Katie.
You gave it a girl's name. How very serial killer of you. (to Lysette) Listen, I think we should be going.
Jack reaches around Xander with the knife and hooks it behind his ear, forcing Xander to look at him. Xander quakes with fear.
Are you scared?
He traces the tip of the blade around Xander's neck and cheek.
Would that make you happy?
Your woman looking on, you can't stand up to me? Don't you feel pathetic?
Mostly I feel Katie.
You know what the difference between you and me is?
Again... Katie's springing to mind.
Fear. Who has the least fear.
And it has nothing to do with who has the big, sharp--
Suddenly, Jack slaps the knife into Xander's hand and backs up several steps.
Come on.
I want to go for a drive. I'm bored.
Xander lowers the knife and his guard.
Oh gee, I'm really sorry my life-and-death situation isn't exciting enough for you.
Jack grabs Xander and shoves him onto the hood of the car. He twists Xander's hand so the knife is pointing at his own neck and begins to bear down on him. Just then a flashlight shines into Jack's face.
Hey!
Jack releases Xander and quickly palms the knife. The officer turns off his flashlight and slowly approaches.
What's going on?
Nothing. Just rasslin'.
The cop recognizes O'Toole.
O'Toole. What a surprise. (to Xander) He attack you?
Xander hesitates and looks at Jack.
No. Just blowing off steam. Two guys rasslin'. But not in a gay way.
Do it somewhere else, huh?
He turns and leaves and Jack turns to Xander, smiling. Xander looks up at him, confused.
What?
That was all right. Could've narced on me. Didn't do it. That's decent of you. I like you.
Yay?
You two want to have some fun?
Lysette smiles dippily.
Like with driving?
Yeah.
Her face erupts in a huge grin and Xander shakes his head, giving in.
What do you have in mind?
Well, I was on my way to get the boys. Gonna cruise around. We'll take your wheels.
What about your car?
It ain't mine.
Great. Where to?
Jack opens the door and slides over to the far side.
Gonna get the boys!
Lysette slides in next to Jack, followed by Xander.
Yeah. So where're the boys?
Pan behind a bank of trees and over to the Lysette, Xander and Jack beside a grave. Xander and Lysette watch as Jack recites an incantation and dangles a chicken foot on a string over the grave.
He calls forth the Spirit of Uurthu, the Restless. No one shall speak. He shall arise! Hear me...
Xander watches, worried that it might work. Lysette is completely bored.
The Blood of the Earth shall restore him...
He puts away the chicken foot and kneels beside the grave. He drawn his knife across the palm of his hand and lets his blood drip onto the freshly turned earth.
And he shall arise.
Xander takes a step back as something under the ground begins to move.
Shall arise!
Two arms punch through the grass followed by a head. It's Jack's friend BOB. Jack steps back as Lysette's eyes go wide with shock. Bob pulls himself the rest of the way out and stands up, disoriented. Jack looks him up and down, pleased with the results. Bob looks at Jack and recognizes his friend.
Buddy.
Bob.
Bob has clearly started to decay but is still easily recognizable.
You big, hideous corpse... come here!
Bob lumbers over to Jack and wraps him up in a huge bear hug, lifting him off the ground and laughing. Lysette freaks out and runs away, screaming at the top of her lungs.
I'll call ya!
Bob puts Jack down.
Man! You raised me!
I told you grandpappy could work that mojo. Big Bob is back in action!
Yes! Oh, man, I can't believe you raised me! That is so awesome! You are the coolest.
Xander turns to go.
Maybe I should just let you guys catch up.
Bob, this is Xander. He's our wheel man.
Xander smiles.
Hey.
Bob steps up to Xander and slaps him hard on the shoulder, staggering him.
Howdy.
Dude, where are the other guys? We gotta go get 'em.
Absolutely.
All right.
Are... all your friends dead?
Xander, let's roll.
How long I been down?
Eight months. I had to wait till the stars aligned.
Oh, eight months. I got some catching up to do.
Bob stops and points at Jack.
Whoa! Walker, Texas Ranger. You been taping 'em?
Every ep.
Xander catches up with them.
All right. We're gonna get the guys together and we're gonna party, man! It's gonna be a night to remember! Yeah!
I'm sensing that.
Dickie's grave. Jack weaves his spell again.
The Blood of the Earth shall restore him and he shall arise.
DICKIE comes up head first. His state of decomposition is far more advanced than Bob's. His face is raw and bloody but he is still recognizable.
Dudes!
The car. The tires squeal as the four boys take off for another cemetery to get the last member of their group.
Giles stands before a large mausoleum and holds up a lit candle. The Spirit Guides appear in the form of a bright cloud gathering before him.
Noli me renuere, umbra ducens. Sapienta manium super me effundatur. (Do not deny me, Spirit Guide. Let the wisdom of those who have passed be showered upon me.)
Illae res occultae sunt tempoti et locis obscuris. Enuntiare illas Chaos super orbem vivum terrarum ferat. (These secrets belong to time and the dark regions. To reveal them would bring Chaos down upon the living Earth.)
Belua propulsanda est! Invenire vitium suum noster spes sola est! (The Beast must be fought! Our only hope lies in finding its weakness!)
A strong wind begins to blow.
Noli petere! Perturba nos non diutius! (Seek not! Disturb us no longer!)
The cloud dissipates into the sky and the wind stops blowing. Disappointed, Giles starts to move off, but pauses when he hears Xander approaching.
Giles, hey... what's goin' on?
I was just trying to gain access to the Spirit Guides. Not going very well, I'm afraid. What are you doing here?
Xander glances back at his new dead friends.
Oh, we were just raising... some heck.
Jack and the others, having raised the last member of their group, are waiting by the car for Xander.
Xander! Let's go!
Listen, do you guys need any help?
Hmm? Oh, no. Thank you. Probably best if you stay out of trouble.
No chance of that.
Xander! Motor!
There's something... different about this menace, something in the air... the stench of death.
Yeah, I think it's Bob.
We may all be called upon to fight when it happens.
When what happens, exactly?
Come on!
I better go. Hopefully, we shall have time to prepare. All we need is a few weeks.
The place has been completely trashed. Buffy is kneeling down next to WILLY, who is lying on the floor behind the bar. He's been very badly beaten and blood flows freely from several cuts in his head.
Tonight?
Willy nods, laboring to breathe.
Before sunrise. That's what they said.
Why did they do this?
They were looking for Angel.
Angel? Why?
Said they were coming after you too, and nothing could stand in their way because tonight was the night.
The ambulance is on its way.
Look, kid, my clientele ain't exactly nuns and orphans, but I... I never seen anything like these demons.
I'm going to stop them.
That Hellmouth opens, they're going to be the least of your problems is my train of thought. If I were you, I'd go find Angel... go somewhere quiet together. I'd be thinking about how I want to spend my last night on Earth.
Bob is standing in the back seat of Xander's car with his fists raised in the air.
Let's get some beer! Yeah!
The other dead boys yell their agreement. PARKER, the last one of the group to be raised, is in an advanced state of decay, much more so than the others. His face is beyond recognition, having lost much of its flesh, exposing parts of his skull. Xander can't believe he's caught up in all of this.
Dude! Let's go pick up some girls, man. We'll hang out at Taco Bell, get some girls, go cruise around...
They all laugh except for Xander.
I want to bake a cake.
Bob slides back down into the seat with an arm around each of his buds.
Hey, we need some beers, though.
I can't believe you got shot, man. Was it them Jackals?
Are you kidding? We wiped them out after they threw you off the bridge.
Oh, man. You guys... you guys are the best, man. The best! I mean that.
There's a liquor store. Little Armenian guy runs the place? He had a gun behind the counter.
Bob frowns in disgust. The bullet hole in his forehead above his left eye is plainly visible. He brightens when he has an idea.
Hey... we should go kick his ass!
Yeah!
Yeaaaaah!
Xander glances back at them nervously.
If you guys want me to drop you off somewhere, that's--
Nah. You're with us now.
Parker pats Xander on the cheek with his rotten hands.
Oh yeah, man, you on the team now, baby. Woo-hoo!
What're we going to do?
Well, I've heard some interesting suggestions, but I'm going to have to go with Dickie's. Let's bake a cake.
BOB, PARKER & DICKIE
Yeaaaaah!
Xander pulls the car to a stop in front of the store.
All right.
The dead guys all pile out of the car.
You stay here and keep the motor running.
This time of night, I'm pretty sure nothing's open.
Bob grabs a newspaper vending machine, yanks it from the sidewalk and heaves it through the hardware store window.
But they're always open for crime.
Xander holds tightly to the steering wheel and fidgets nervously as the others enter the store.
Okay. Now I'm involved in crime. I'm the criminal element. (sarcastic) Having a car sure is cool!
He hears Willow's voice and turns to see her leaving the magick shop about half a block down on the other side of the street.
Thank you. Sorry to wake you.
No problem.
Will!
She sees him and comes over as Xander gets out of the car and goes to meet her.
Xander, what are you doing here?
Nothing. Certainly not crime. What about you?
I needed supplies for a protection spell. Buffy called from Angel's. It's happening tonight.
And that thing that's happening would be...?
I can't stay. Buffy'll needs this.
She hurries off, then runs back and hugs him tight.
I love you, Xander.
Again she hurries off, leaving alone.
Okay, that's it. I'm going to--
Jack steps in front of him.
Where you going?
Look, something's just come up.
You going to bail on me? Is that it?
Dickie and the other emerge from the store, holding bags full of "ingredients" for him to see.
We got the cake mix!
Where you want to bake it?
Xander's looking to leave.
No way. We need a wheel man.
Dickie, Bob and Parker surround Xander.
Xander doesn't feel like he's part of the group.
No. It's just I'm kinda busy!
He doesn't feel like part of the group because he hasn't been initiated.
Do you think he's ready?
Parker puts his arm around Xander.
Oh, I think he's earned his stripes. I say we let him in, boys. Huh?
Woo-hoo!
Great! I want to be in the gang, sure!
All right! Yeah.
That's the spirit.
Yeah.
What do I gotta do?
Jack pulls out Katie and holds the blade to his face. Xander's smile is instantly replaced with fear.
You gotta die.
In the street in front of the hardware store.
All right, guys, what... let's just talk about this.
Aw, you want to be part of the gang now, don't you?
Jack leers at him, constantly turning his knife.
Yes, yes, but I'm not dying to be in the gang, if you get the... the pun there.
What? You're too good to be dead?
He grabs Xander by the lapels of his jacket and lifts him up.
You got a problem with dead people?
Xander shakes his head and mouths "no", thinking quickly.
What about Jack? Jack's not dead.
Jack lowers his knife, reaches down and raises his shirt for Xander to see. There is a series of bullet holes across his gut.
Drive-by, three weeks ago.
Oh, boy.
Grandpappy found my body. I wasn't gone but ten minutes before he raised me. It's a rush, man.
Let's kill Xander. It'll be fun!
Yeah, man, you could be a full-fledged member.
Come on, Xander. Take it like a man.
All right, enough! You guys have had your fun but you forgot about one thing.
He looks at Bob and Parker and then makes a break for it.
Get him!
Xander runs across the street and onto the patio of the Espresso Pump. They dead guys give chase. Xander waits for them to follow him into the cafÈ, then makes another break for it, jumping up onto a table and hopping over the low wall surrounding the area. He runs back across the street and jumps into his car, throws it into drive and floors it, leaving the dead guys behind.
Damn him! There goes the wheels.
He took all our stuff, man.
I want to bake a cake.
It's all right. We'll get more. The night is young.
They head back into the hardware store for more supplies.
Xander is speeding down the street, relieved to have escaped.
I'd say that's pretty much enough excitement for one evening.
Faith is thrown against the fence, pulled off and thrown against it again by a demon member of the Sisterhood of Jhe. Faith shakes loose and swings at the demon's head and gut before being thrown to the ground again. The fight continues, with Faith fighting for her life.
Xander rounds the corner and sees the fight in the park ahead of him. He floors the accelerator and drives straight into the demon, slamming it to the ground. He backs into the street as the demon gets to its feet and gives chase.
Get in!
Faith runs to the car and dives into the back seat as Xander guns it, leaving the demon far behind.
Xander pulls the car to a screeching halt in the parking lot. They both run out and up the stairs to her room, watching for any pursuers. Faith opens the door and runs in with Xander right behind her. They bolt the door shut.
You think Demon Mama followed us?
He checks out the window but doesn't see anything.
No, we're cool. The bitch dislocated my shoulder, though.
She takes off her jacket and tosses it aside, careful not to move her arm too much. Xander moves to help her.
Hold me.
He looks at her, confused, then reaches out to her. Faith takes his right hand and puts it on her upper arm. He realizes that she wants him to brace her arm so that she can pop it back into its socket. She pulls her shoulder back and jerks it forward; it audibly snaps back into place. She works it around, rotating it and working out the soreness.
That's better. She got me really wound up.
She looks up at Xander and then runs her hand over his chest.
A fight like that and... no kill... I'm about ready to pop.
Really? Pop?
Faith smiles seductively at him.
You up for it?
She runs her other hand down the back of his neck.
Oh, I'm up.
She moves her hand from his chest to his crotch.
I'm suddenly very up. It's just... (sheepish grin) I've never been up with people before.
Faith kisses him full on the lips, sliding her tongue into his mouth.
Just relax... and take your pants off.
She starts to pull his shirt and jacket off his shoulders.
Those two concepts are antithetical.
She yanks his shirt and jacket down his back and off his arms and throws them to the floor. They lock in a passionate embrace and Faith shoves Xander back onto the bed and straddles him.
Don't worry. I'll steer you around the curves.
She gives him a sultry smile and pulls off her own shirt. Xander's eyes go wide at the sight of Faith's breasts.
Did I mention that I'm having a very strange night?
CU on TV reflection: we see Faith on top of Xander under the sheet, moving slowly and rhythmically.
Later. Xander runs his fingers along Faith's arm. They gaze into each other's eyes and Faith smiles at him.
The door opens and Faith, wrapped in a bed sheet, nudges Xander out. He has only his underwear on and holds the rest of his clothes in his arms.
That was great. I gotta shower.
She closes the door on him and he just stands there, confused. Slowly he realizes he's just been used. He turns and heads back to his car.
Werewolf Oz is leaping around the cage, very agitated. Willow watches him, worried.
I've never seen him like this.
Giles comes up behind her with the dart gun and hands it to her.
It's the Hellmouth. He can sense it's going to open. Be ready just in case.
Willow checks the rifle as Giles goes to the cage to open it. He looks back at her before he does.
Now don't hesitate.
Willow raises the weapon to her shoulder and takes aim.
Do it.
Giles unlocks the door.
Now Oz...
Oz leaps against the door and knocks it open, knocking Giles to the floor. He lunges toward Willow and she pulls the trigger. The dart hits him in the side and he yelps and falls to the floor. However, it's not enough to keep him down in his agitated state and he gets back up on all fours. Behind him, Giles scrambles to his feet.
Again!
Willow retreats as she inserts another dart into the gun. Oz is weakened, but he lunges toward her nevertheless. Oz jumps up onto the table just as Giles grabs him around the chest. Willow takes the shot and the werewolf yelps again. This time the Phenobarbital does its job and Oz collapses onto the table, dragging Giles down on top of him. The wolf pants shallowly as Willow steps up to him and soothingly strokes the thick fur on his head.
We've got to move him before he wakes up.
Sorry. I hope you're not mad at me in the morning.
Xander pulls on his jacket and gets into the car. He checks himself in the rearview mirror and notices the two bags of stolen equipment in the back seat. He opens them and finds a can of kerosene, a short length of galvanized pipe with caps, wire, primer cord and an electronic timer switch. He takes a second look at the can of kerosene and realizes that the "cake" really isn't.
Hey! They're not baking any cake.
He quickly sets the can aside and starts the car.
Xander screeches to a stop in front of the store. The place is a mess and Jack and his gang are nowhere to be seen.
Long gone. Probably loaded with supplies. Gotta think. (beat) I can't believe I had sex. Okay, bombs. Already-dead guys with bombs. Oh, man, I'm out of my league! Buffy'll know what to do.
He takes off for Angel's mansion.
Buffy and Angel are inside arguing.
I don't know what to do.
Then let me decide for you. I can face this thing.
You can't.
Look, I can at least buy you enough time for Willow's spell to bind it. (beat) Buffy, this is worse than anything we've ever faced. It's the only way.
Buffy's voice cracks.
I can't watch you die again.
He lifts his hand to her cheek and caresses it gently, looking deep into her eyes.
I love you.
She covers his hand with her own.
I love you.
Nothing can change that. Not even death.
She jerks his hand away and steps back, angry with his defeatist attitude.
Don't talk to me like that! You may be ready to go, but I am not ready to lose you. Okay, this is my fight and if you won't do it my way, then you're--
Xander clears his throat and she turns to face him.
Hey. I've got this... there's this...
Xander notices Buffy's tears and Angel's somber mood.
It's probably a bad time.
He turns to go, then stops.
Can I help?
They both shake their heads.
Okay.
He walks out the door leaving Buffy and Angel alone.
Xander walks to the stairs and starts up.
Okay, I can work this out. I just got to figure out what they'd be likely to bomb.
Giles has cleared away the table and chairs and painted a black circular figure on the floor. Eight rays extend from the edge. Inside are four small semicircles which mark the four corners. At the center three short lines intersect. A lit candle stands
on each line and a fourth at their intersection. All around the circle and the room are more candles. Giles is busy lighting them as he recites a spell from a book.
Terra, vente, ignis et pluvia. Cuncta quattuor numina, vos obsecro. Defendete nos a recente malo resoluto. (Earth, wind, fire and rain. Linger four gods, we implore you: defend us. Immediately after, I will release you.)
Willow returns to the library with the tranquilizer gun and sets it down on the counter.
Okay. Oz is moved. He could barely walk after that mickey I gave him but we made it. Is he going to be all right there?
Anywhere is safer than here. Help me with the candles.
He tosses her the lighter.
We're doing the binding spell from the Hebron's Almanac?
Yes, but once it's ready, you're to stay back and let me finish the recitation. (off Willow's look) Don't argue. I want you safe. Who knows what's going to come up from beneath us.
Willow doesn't argue and starts lighting the candles.
Dickie puts the finishing touches on their bomb. It is assembled on top of an oil barrel and Dickie plugs in the timer and switches it on.
Whoo!
He taps the keypad and sets the timer for sixty minutes. Dickie plugs in the last wire and the countdown starts.
This is gonna be large!
Oh, yeah!
Xander drives to the school.
Giles will know what to do. He's way more calm than Buffy.
He rounds a corner and sees the dead boys walking and laughing among themselves.
Okay, I got a plan.
Jack and Bob turn around as he approaches.
Hey, our wheels.
The group splits up and Xander drives between them, slowing down as if to stop. Parker is closest to the car and Xander reaches out and grabs him.
Hey!
Xander hits the gas and speeds off, dragging Parker alongside the car. The other boys give chase.
Stop! C'mon, man! Stop!
Where's the bomb?
It's in the high school!
In the school where?
Oh, god, this really, really hurts! Stop! It's in the boiler room.
All right. Now I'm going to ask you this once and you better pray you get the answer right.
Okay, okay.
How do I defuse--
He never finishes his question because he drives too close to a curbside mailbox and the impact knocks Parker's head clean off his body. Xander yelps and drops Parker's now-headless corpse. He looks back at the others and guns the engine.
I probably should've left out that whole middle part.
Jack stops to check on Parker as Bob and Dickie keep running.
He's headed for the school!
Xander barges through a door and runs down the hall, Jack, Bob and Dickie in hot pursuit.
There he is!
Where's a Slayer when you need one?
The Hellmouth has opened and a huge, green, multi-headed, tentacled demon erupts from the floor and looms over Buffy, Faith, Angel, Giles and Willow, only now it's much larger. Bolts of energy flash around it like lightning.
Oh, my god. It's grown.
CU on the library doors as Xander runs past followed a moment later by Jack and then Bob and Dickie in rapid succession. Dickie is distracted by the noise and lights coming from the library and backtracks to have a look. He peers in through one of the door windows and sees the Hellmouth demon and its three hideous heads.
Wow.
C'mon, man!
After another quick look, Dickie rejoins the chase.
The dead boys have lost Xander. They open a set of doors and stop at the hall intersection.
Which way?
He couldn't have gotten far. Let's split up.
Bob goes right, Dickie goes left and Jack heads straight ahead.
Bob comes bounding down the stairs and stops in the lounge. He looks around and notices a fire ax on the wall. He smashes the glass and pulls it out.
Good for chopping.
A moment later, Xander runs into the student lounge and barely avoids being decapitated as Bob swings the ax at him. Xander falls backward onto a table and rolls off onto the floor. He tries to stand up, but is slammed back to the floor by a devastating blow from Bob.
Now this is what I call fun.
Bob brings the ax down on Xander again who rolls away just as the head of the ax embeds itself in the table. Xander backhands Bob in the face, stunning him, then grabs him and swings him around head first into another table. Bob falls to the floor, dazed by the impact. Xander pulls the ax from the table and goes over to a nearby vending machine. He slips the blade of the ax between the machine and the wall and uses the handle as a lever. The machine tilts over and falls right onto Bob's head, crushing it into a fine paste.
Dickie comes through the door and stops short when he sees Bob's body. Xander steps out into the open holding up the ax.
Should've learned by now. If you're going to play with fire, you gotta expect sooner or later...
Dickie takes off running before Xander can finish delivering his favorite Clint Eastwood line.
I wasn't finished! Note to self: less talk.
He starts off after Dickie.
The doors to the library burst open and Buffy flies out into the hall where she lands in a heap. The three heads of the Hellmouth demon slither through the doors after her. Buffy gets up and runs toward it.
Faith! Go for the heart!
Elsewhere in the school. Dickie runs around a corner and disappears down the hall. Xander is right behind him with the ax. A moment later, Xander comes running back with Dickie right behind him. Right on their heels are three members of the Sisterhood of Jhe.
Xander ducks into a room and Dickie follows. Xander pulls up short and hides just inside the door. Dickie keeps running blindly and continues on into the nurse's office finding himself trapped. The demons barrel in after him and proceed to rip him to pieces. Xander takes a few deep breaths to calm himself.
Okay, boiler room.
He turns toward the door but is blocked by one of the Hellmouth demon's heads as it crashes through the wall beside to him.
Other way.
The head roars after him as he runs away.
Xander kicks open the door, enters cautiously and makes his way down the stairs. At the bottom, he opens the door to the boiler room and looks in. There, in the middle of the room, he sees the bomb. The timer is steadily ticking down the seconds.
Hello, nasty.
He steps into the room and closes the door behind him. He walks over to the bomb and checks the timer as he sets down the ax.
Less than two minutes. Dumb guy. Little bomb. How hard can it be?
Suddenly Jack grabs him from behind and throws him into a work bench. He hits it hard and falls to the floor. Xander gets back up only to find himself face-to-face with Jack.
And it just got harder.
I'm not leaving till that thing's disarmed.
Then I guess you're not leaving.
Jack swings at Xander and the fight is on. Xander defends himself amazingly well but Jack pulls out Katie and holds it over Xander face, pressing down against Xander's arms with all his might. Xander glances desperately over at the bomb, ticking away.
I'm going to carve you up and serve you with gravy. You piss me off, boy. Now you pay the price. First the eyes, then the tongue. I'm going to break every one of your fingers.
You going to do all that in forty-nine seconds?
Jack looks over at the bomb and Xander seizes the opportunity to push him off, seize him by the jacket and shove his head into the wall. He pulls him back from the wall and punches him in the face. Jack comes back up unfazed and flips Xander over onto a crate. They start fighting again but then stop when they both realize they don't have any more time. Jack glances over at the exit sign above the door.
I know what you're thinking. Can I get by him? Get up the stairs, out of the building, seconds ticking away... I don't love your chances.
Then you'll die, too.
Yeah, looks like. So I guess the question really is... who has less fear?
I'm not afraid to die. I'm already dead.
Yeah, but this is different. Being blowed up isn't walking around and drinking with your buddies dead. It's little bits being swept up by a janitor dead and I don't think you're ready for that.
Jack makes a move for the door and Xander matches it, blocking him. Jack realizes there's no way he can get out. They face each other over the bomb. Xander is oddly calm whereas Jack is clearly afraid.
Are you?
I like the quiet.
Angel and Faith fight one of the Sisterhood demons. She swings at Angel but he ducks and sends her a return blow, hitting her dead in the face. Giles whacks at the Hellmouth demon with an ax as he recites the rest of the binding spell.
Omnia... vasa... veritatis! (All things... the vessel... of truth!) Now, Buffy!
From the stacks, Buffy lays into the creature with a battleaxe.
The two boys are still facing off with the bomb between them. The timer counts down the last few seconds:
00:12 00:11 00:10 00:09
The boys stare each other down, breathing heavily.
00:08 00:07 00:06
Xander stands his ground. Jack is wavering.
00:05 00:04
Xander gives Jack a mocking smile.
00:03 00:02
Jack caves and reaches into the bomb, pulling a wire. The timer goes blank. It takes Xander a moment to realize that it's over.
Good boy.
He steps over to Jack and looks him straight in the eyes.
I don't think I want to be seeing you on campus anymore, Jack.
Xander walks to the door and gives Jack one last look, then opens it and leaves, closing it behind him. Jack walks toward the other door.
I'm not going anywhere, Harris. The first time you turn your back--
He opens the door and Oz leaps on him snarling savagely. Jack screams as he hits the floor and Oz rips him to pieces.
Students come and go as though nothing has happened.
Even after the Hellmouth was closed, you could still hear it screaming.
Buffy, Giles and Oz are sitting at a lunch table. Buffy's right arm is in a sling.
But Angel's going to be okay?
He was only out for a few minutes. Longest of my life.
I will never forget that thing's face. Its real face, I mean.
Yes.
I don't know how you managed. It was the bravest thing I've ever seen.
Stupidest.
Giles turns his face revealing several nasty scratches across his left cheek, ear and neck.
But the world continues to turn.
No one will ever know how close it came to stopping. Never know what we did.
Xander walks up to the group.
Guys...
Xander. Boy, you're lucky you weren't at school last night. It was crazed.
Well, give me the quiet life. (grins) I'm going to grab a snack. Anyone want?
No, thank you.
Oz?
No. I'm oddly full today.
Okay.
He heads off for his snack but runs into Cordelia, who is eager to begin the Xander Humiliation Game anew.
Oh look, it's Mr. Excitement. On another life-or-death doughnut mission. Or are we just cruising for bimbos again, giving them lessons in lack of cool?
He just smiles at her. If only she knew. Of course, she doesn't have a clue.
What?
His smile grows as he walks past her without a word.
What?
Xander keeps walking, never looking back.
What!