[Transcript of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" episode The Freshman at buffyology.com.]
BUFFY paces nervously back and forth. WILLOW sits cross-legged, back propped against a gravestone, perusing a UC Sunnydale course guide, trying to help Buffy pick her classes.
A bag full of crosses and stakes lies nearby along with a crossbow.
Anything?
Ah! Introduction to the Modern Novel: A survey study of 20th Century novelists. Open to freshmen. You might like that.
'Introduction to the Modern Novel?' I'm guessing I'd probably have to read the modern novel.
Maybe more than one.
I like books. I just don't want to take on too much. Do they have an Introduction to the Modern Blurb?
Oh! Short story.
Well, that's good.
Oh, no. It conflicts with Psych.
Maybe I shouldn't take Psych.
You gotta. It's fun, and you can use it as your science requirement. Anyway, Professor Walsh is supposed to be great. She's like, world-renowned.
How do you get to be renowned? I mean like do you have to be 'nowned' first?
Yes, first there's the painful 'nowning' process. Wait! Images of Pop Culture. This is good. They watch movies, TV shows, even commercials.
For credit?
Isn't college cool?
How'd I miss that one?
Well, you did sort of wait till the last minute with your course selection.
Sorry, Miss I-chose-my-major-in-playgroup.
That's an exaggeration. I just, you know, think it's good to be prepared. Don't want to be caught unawares.
Unnoticed by either girl, a hand thrusts up out of a fresh grave behind them.
Well I've been busy! It's been a very slay-heavy summer. I just haven't had a whole lot of time to think about life at UC Sunnydale.
A vampire's head and shoulders emerge from the grave.
It's exciting, though, isn't it?
Yeah! It's going to be an adjustment.
Yeah, it's like, five miles away. It's uncharted territory.
The vampire pulls his legs free of the grave.
Giles said I have to be Secret Identity Gal again.
That makes sense.
The vampire starts lurching toward them, newly-born and hungry.
It's going to be tough, though... with a roommate.
Yeah.
I'm psyched about college.
The vampire looms over the girls, about to strike, but freezes as he notices Buffy's cache of weapons stacked against a nearby gravestone within easy reach of the Slayer. Dejected, the vampire turns and sneaks off into the night.
Definitely. I just need to figure out how it's going to work with my extra-curricular activities. I just can't let it take the edge off my slaying. I gotta stay sharp.
Buffy glances behind her at the freshly turned grave.
Is this guy ever going to wake up?
Opening credit sequence.
Buffy stands in the middle of the quad with students milling all around her. She looks around with amazement, awe and trepidation. She's a fish out of water-- the reality of college life is something she's completely unprepared for.
Freshmen! We're doing this by folder color! If you're not holding on to a yellow folder, you're in the wrong group. You belong up by Wiesman Hall.
Buffy looks at the folders in her arms but doesn't see a yellow one so she hesitantly starts to walk in the indicated direction. To her left is a group of girls standing in front of banner that reads "THIS MUST STOP".
Not gonna take it!
No!
Don't take it lying down!
No!
What do we want?
Justice!
When do we want it?
Now!
A student walks up and hands her a flier.
Rally tomorrow night. We have to let the administration know how we feel.
Yeah, right.
Another student hands her another flier.
Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
Buffy is flustered by the girl's directness.
Uh, you know I meant to and then I just got really busy.
A third student hands her yet another flier.
Party Thursday at Alpha Delt. You gotta be there. Free Jello shots for freshman women.
Hey, you guys know where Wiesman Hall is?
But the student is already accosting someone else. Buffy continues walking when suddenly Willow is there, walking with her.
Buffy, hey!
Oh, boy am I glad to see you.
Isn't this cool? There's so much going on.
Yeah. Almost, one might say, too much.
I got all my courses... except for Modern Poetry. I had to switch to Ethnomusicology. But that's cool. West-African drumming-- I think it's going to change everything. Have you met your roommate yet?
No.
Me neither. I hope she's cool.
Buffy looks at the fliers in Willow's arms.
I see you got ticketed, too.
Yes! I've heard about five different issues and I'm angry about each and every one of them. What'd you get?
Jello shots.
I didn't get 'Jello shots!' I'll trade you for a 'Take Back the Night.'
Buffy hands over all her fliers with a smile.
Are we heading anywhere near Wiesman Hall? I still need to get my ID card.
Oh, I got mine this morning. The lines are really long now, you should have gone early.
Well, I hope that I learn from this experience, and that I grow.
I'm being annoying, aren't I?
No, it's nice that you're excited.
It's just in high school, knowledge was pretty much frowned upon. You really had to work to learn anything. But here, the energy, the collective intelligence, it's like this force, this penetrating force, and I can just feel my mind opening up, you know? And letting this place thrust into and spurt knowledge into... (off Buffy's shocked look) that sentence ended up in a different place than it started out in.
I'm with you, though. I'm all for spurty knowledge. It's just a little overwhelming. Don't you feel it?
Well, I'm... oh, boyfriend! My on-campus boyfriend.
OZ walks up and he and Willow kiss.
Oh, no. I forgot to pick mine up. Line's probably really long there, too.
How are you?
Good. It's pretty much a madhouse, a madhouse.
I know, I was just saying that to Willow. I mean it's just so overwhelming. Don't you feel completely disoriented?
A student (PAUL) spots Oz and runs over.
Oz!
Hey, Paul.
Finally matriculating with us. Very cool! Tell me you're playing this week.
Thursday night, Alpha Delta.
Oh! (holds up a flier) I have that one!
I'm bringing the wrecking crew. Jello shots? Hmm? Do you know where they're distributing the work study applications?
Back of Richmond Hall, next to the auditorium.
Thanks. See ya bro.
Go get 'em. (off her look) My band's played here a lot. It's still all new. I don't know what the hell's going on. (sees someone) Hey, Doug!
Buffy looks exasperated.
Buffy and Willow walk along a hallway.
Library... oh! Library. C'mon.
They start up a flight of stairs.
It's too bad Giles can't be librarian here. Be convenient.
Well, he says that he's enjoying being a "gentleman of leisure".
Gentleman of leisure? Isn't that just British for unemployed?
Uh-huh, he's a slacker now.
Speaking of slack, have you heard anything from Xander?
Not for awhile. He's still on his cross-country-see-America thing. He said he wasn't coming back until he had driven to all fifty states.
Did you explain about Hawaii?
Oh, he seemed so determined.
I hope he gets back soon. It'd be fun to have the whole gang back together, you know? Hanging out in the... library. Wow!
They enter the library, a huge room with a vaulted cupola ceiling. It's filled with books as far as the eye can see-- a far cry from the warm confines of the library at Sunnydale High.
Oh my gosh! Isn't this amazing?
It's... cozy.
You know I never wanted to hurt Giles' feelings, but occult books aside, our old library just didn't have the greatest selection. But this!
Yeah, this is great, you know, if we ever need a place for the Nuremburg rallies.
This is a real library. (off an o.s. shush) See we even have to whisper. It's like a whole new world.
Students mill about carrying books in shopping baskets. Buffy carries an armload of books and Willow walks up with a basket.
Here.
Buffy puts the books in the basket.
Thanks. Can't wait till mom gets the bill for these books. I hope it's a funny aneurysm.
Introduction to Psychology... oh, up there.
She points to a stack of books balanced precariously on the top of a shelf.
I'll get 'em. You know, this store discriminates against short people.
Oh, I think there's a protest next week.
Buffy reaches up and accidentally knocks the books off. They fall on the head of RILEY FINN, a young man crouched down stacking books on a lower shelf. He staggers, then recovers and looks up. He's handsome, in an All-American boy kind of way.
Oh god, I'm so sorry.
He stands up.
I'm okay. It's okay. Well, that was bracing.
I'm so... the books were just too high and then everything was bad.
She bends down to pick up the books.
Let me give you a hand. Let's put a few of these down here. So are you girls taking Intro to Psych or do you just want me dead?
Uh-huh. I mean the first one.
Well, you'll have a lot of fun. Professor Walsh-- she's quite a character.
You've taken it?
I'm a TA. I'll be helping the Professor out. I'm sorry, I've forgotten my manners in all the concussion. I'm Riley.
Willow. And this is my friend Buffy.
It's nice to meet you both.
I'm nice to meet.
Hey, do you know if we're going to be studying operant conditioning in the first semester? 'Cause I hear that's kinda Professor Walsh's specialty.
Absolutely. Do you know her treatise on Dietrich's work?
I know of it.
It's not in the syllabus but it's a fascinating read... if you're in to that sort of thing. They have it here.
Oh, where?
I'll show you. I don't meet that many freshmen that know that much about psychology.
Well, it's fascinating.
Yeah, you know, 'cause everyone's got a brain.
Riley smiles politely at Buffy's lame comment and walks away.
Or almost everyone...
Buffy works her way through milling students, both male and female. She enters a dorm room with two beds and two desks.
KATHY, a plain girl with short brown hair, unpacks her suitcase.
Hi.
Oh, hi! Are you Buffy?
Yeah.
Kathy.
Hi, it's nice to meet you.
Yeah!
Buffy puts her things down on a desk and crosses over to the unoccupied bed and sits down.
So, it's a pretty nice room.
I was surprised, because you hear horror stories about freshmen housing. You took the right side?
Yeah, but if you want it...
No, no. I just wanted to make sure that's what you wanted. Excited for classes tomorrow?
Painfully.
I bet there's going to be a lot of parties to go to this week, too. Not that I'm a crazy partier. Oh, and I'm not always this hyper either. I'm just excited.
Yeah, me too.
Kathy picks up a folded poster and carries it to the wall on her side of the room.
I am really glad they put me with somebody cool... I can tell that you're cool. I just know that this whole year is going to be super fun!
She unfolds the poster and tapes it to the wall. Buffy recoils in horror-- it's a poster of Celine Dion.
Night time. Buffy is lying in bed, miserable as Kathy snores, smacks her lips and mumbles in her sleep.
Buffy sits in a lecture hall full of students while PROFESSOR RIEGERT gives his introductory lecture.
The point of this course is not to critique popular American culture. It is not to pick at it or look down upon it. And it is not to watch videos for credit. The point is to examine...
Buffy whispers to a student beside her.
Do you know if this class is full yet?
And there are two people talking at once, and I know that one of them is me. And the other is... a blonde girl. (to Buffy) You, blonde girl. Stand up. I'm very excited to hear what you have to say that's worth interrupting my lecture for.
Buffy stands.
I was just asking if the class was still open, if I could still sign up.
Riegert picks a clipboard up off his podium and begins scanning the names on the class roster.
If your name isn't on this sheet then you are wasting everyone's time. Are you on the sheet?
They told me that if I just--
Do you understand? You are sucking energy from everyone in this room. They came here to learn. Get out!
Buffy is horrified and humiliated by the Professor's cruelty.
I didn't mean to... suck.
Leave!
Buffy hurriedly gathers her things and moves toward the aisle.
Thank you.
Busy hallway. Buffy looks around in confusion as Riley approaches to her.
If you're looking for Psych, it's through here.
Oh, thanks. How's your head?
Sorry?
Yesterday. In the bookstore. You don't remember.
Oh no, sure, I remember you. You're Willow's friend.
Yeah.
My head is fine. It just stung for a bit and I lost most of my basic motor functions. It's no biggie. We're here. I'm sorry, I'm trying to remember you.
Buffy.
Buffy, right. Have fun today, okay?
Thanks.
You know, I was just wondering... Professor Walsh isn't planning on yelling at me and kicking me out of the class, is she?
It's not in her lesson plan.
Great.
She turns back to the tier of seats and spots Willow and Oz. Willow waves to her and Buffy climbs up to sit beside her.
How was pop culture?
I decided not to take it. It seemed dull.
PROFESSOR WALSH strides into the lecture hall and Riley hands her a sheet of paper. She's an intense, no-nonsense woman with an air of confidence, intelligence and competence about her. She also projects an intolerance of failure and an unwillingness to suffer fools.
Okay. This is Psych 105, Introduction to Psychology. I'm Professor Walsh. Those of you who fall under my good graces will come to know me as Maggie. Those of you who don't will come to know me by the name my TAs use and think I don't know about: The Evil Bitch Monster of Death.
Make no mistake, I run a hard class, I assign a lot of work, I talk fast and I expect you to keep up. If you're looking to coast, I recommend Geology 101. That's where the football players are.
Buffy looks over at Willow, wondering what she's gotten herself into.
Buffy walks along, confused, perhaps lost. She looks behind her, trying to get her bearings and collides with EDDIE, a shy young freshman.
Oh!
Wow, sorry.
No, I wasn't looking.
Did you lose your way?
Me? Oh, no, no, I'm just going to Fischer Hall. Which I know is on the Earth planet. (realizing how lame she sounds) Recently voted 'Most Pathetic.' Uh-huh.
Hmm, well, I'm lost and I have a map. So...
Oh, I come in second. I'm Buffy, by the way.
Eddie.
Buffy studies the map with him.
Okay, so... that's Fischer Hall, right?
Okay, and this is Dunwirth Building, that's my dorm... it's just... it's us I can't find.
Are we the blue part?
No... yes!
Okay, right, so I came from there, then we just want to go that way (points) to the bike path.
You sound very certain... I'm in. (re: Buffy's books) You're taking Psych 105 with Professor Walsh.
Yeah, I mean, I'm going to try. She's not afraid of the long words, huh?
Yeah, she's pretty intense. A lot of the courses are really tough.
I'm a little upset. I had it on good authority that this was a party school.
I think it's supposed to get easier.
I still feel like carrying around a security blanket.
Of Human Bondage. Have you ever read it?
Oh, I'm not really into porn... I mean I'm just... I'm trying to cut way back.
No, there's no actual bondage, it's just a novel. I've read it, like, ten times. I always keep it by my bed... security blanket.
I don't really have a security blanket... unless you count Mr. Pointy.
Mr. Pointy?
Oh, bike path. So it's nice to know that I'm not the only entirely confused person on this campus.
I suspect there's a lot of us.
Well, I'll look for you in Psych.
Yeah, maybe we can help each other figure out what the hell they're talking about.
Okay.
Maybe even make it through the year.
Goodnight.
Night.
Buffy walks away. Eddie smiles pleasantly at her retreating form and then turns to walk in the opposite direction. He gets a few feet when he's suddenly grabbed from behind, a hand over his mouth. He looks up at his assailant and sees the demonic visage of a vampire. He also sees two other vampires: a man and woman. They part to reveal SUNDAY, a young, very attractive blonde woman who takes a few steps toward Eddie and smiles sweetly.
I'm sorry... did you lose your way?
The door opens and the vampires enter and start gathering everything up. One sits at the desk and writes something on notebook paper, he tears it out of the book and places it on the bare mattress.
Psych class is over; the students gather their things and leave. Buffy looks around for Eddie.
You looking for someone?
Yeah.
You made a friend? Good for you.
Thanks, mom.
Eddie's RA shows Buffy the empty room.
Yeah, Eddie just took off, packed his stuff, left a note. Happens sometimes. People just can't handle it. There's always a few kids who lose it early in the first semester and just bail.
Buffy crosses to the bed and picks up the note. She sits on the bed while reading it:
This is too much to handle. I can't take it anymore. No time to say goodbye! Eddie
Weak ones, I guess.
Buffy lays the note on the bedside table and notices the drawer is partly open. She opens it to reveal a paperback book. It's Eddie's copy of M. Somerset Maugham's Of Human Bondage. She takes it out of the drawer and considers it quietly.
A cluttered room, trash strewn everywhere. Eddie lies dead in the corner and the vampires pore through his things. A chunky FEMALE VAMPIRE picks out a purple sweater.
Sunday sits in a chair that is raised off the floor somewhat, resembling a makeshift throne. She goes through Eddie's CDs, tossing them aside one by one.
Boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, (sigh) astonishingly boring. We have to kill some cooler people. Will somebody remind me?
You were the one who said pick on the weak ones, thin the herd and all that. Does this sweater make me look fat?
No, the fact that you're fat makes you look fat. That sweater just makes you look purple.
You're such a loser.
Hey, words can hurt like a fist.
A big, slow-witted SURFER VAMPIRE holds up a poster of the type found in most college dorm rooms: a cheap reproduction of fine art.
Hey, check it out.
Well? Do we have a Klimt? (he unrolls it) Yes!
The vampire carries it over to a wall adorned with posters in the same style, obviously a chronicle of sorts of the various victims of this particular brood. He staples the poster up with the others.
Big score for Klimt! Monet still well in the lead but look out for team Klimt, coming from behind.
Freshmen! Man, they're so predictable.
And you can never eat just one.
Yeah, I'm hungry!
What a shock. We eat when I say we eat.
Well, we could hit the tunnels...
Sunday's face ripples as her anger flares and we see the demon within.
We eat when I say we eat!
God, lighten up.
I think it's funny when you scream... it's like... (demon morph) whoa!
I've got to get me some better lackeys. I swear, you guys are useless. I shouldn't even take you on the hunt.
Great! Why don't you let dead Eddie get your dinner.
That's pretty much the plan.
CU on Eddie's corpse which suddenly opens its eyes.
Buffy opens the door while knocking and walks into the living room. David Bowie is playing in the background.
Giles?
OLIVIA, an attractive black woman, is in the kitchen, cooking.
Rupert, is this Bleu cheese or is it just cheese that's gone blue? (notices Buffy) You're not Giles.
She walks out of the kitchen and we see she's wearing a man's dress shirt and nothing else.
You know, the door was open so I just... Giles does still live here, right?
He does.
GILES coughs in the background and the music cuts off. He walks out of the back room wearing a bathrobe.
He appears. Rupert, you have a guest.
Buffy! Hello.
Is this a bad time?
No! Oh, forgive me. This is... Olivia. She's an old friend. She's staying here for a few days.
Couldn't pass through sunny Cal without looking up ol' Ripper.
Uh huh.
Buffy's a... was a student of mine. (to Buffy) How is university?
Pretty much the same as high school, in the sense that I need help.
Ah... help... yes.
But this just looks like a bad time.
No, you guys talk. I'll just go slip into something a little less comfortable.
She and Giles share a look and she leaves the room.
So... trouble with studies?
This is a bad time.
You keep saying that.
Well, it looks pretty bad! I think someone has just a little too much free time on their hands.
I'm not supposed to have a private life?
No! (petulant) 'Cause you're very, very old and it's gross.
Well, before I succumb to the ravages of age, why don't you tell me what brings you here.
There's this student missing.
Yes?
Eddie. He's supposed to have left school but... I just don't think he did. I met him outside last night and then I went back where we met and it looked there had been a struggle.
And?
And we need to stop this! And Eddie's RA said kids disappear a lot. There could be a gang of vampires working the campus. We need research and charts and stuff.
I still don't see where I fit in. You haven't described anything that you can't do yourself.
Okay, remember before you became Hugh Hefner, when you used to be a Watcher?
Officially you no longer have a Watcher. Buffy, you know I'll always be here when you need me. Your safety is more important to me than anything... but you're going to have to take care of yourself. You're out of school and I can't always be there to guide you.
I'm sorry to bug you.
Buffy, I--
Oh, no! I mean yeah, you're... right. I can handle it. It's just that... I'm on it.
I'm here if you need me.
Buffy turns and leaves as Olivia returns wearing more clothes.
She's gone?
Yes.
So did you help her?
I'm not sure.
Buffy walks through campus, marveling at the students everywhere.
How am I supposed to hunt in this mob? Don't you people have homes?
A young man walking through the underbrush captures Buffy's attention. He turns toward her and she sees that it's Eddie.
Eddie?
He disappears into the trees and she runs after him.
Eddie! Eddie, hey, wait up!
She catches up with him in a secluded spot on the commons.
God, I was worried that something had happened to you.
He turns to her, fangs extended, yellow eyes gleaming in the night.
And of course it has, 'cause you're a vampire. I'm sorry.
Eddie smiles wickedly at her.
I'm not.
He attacks and she uses his own momentum to throw him off balance. She stakes him when he charges again and he crumbles to dust. Behind Buffy, Sunday watches from a concrete dais.
Slayer! Wow, I heard you might be coming here.
Buffy spins around and faces her as four other vampires come out of hiding and surround Buffy.
This is... I mean, what a challenge. The Slayer!
And you are?
I'm Sunday. I'll be killing you here in a minute or so.
You know that threat gets more frightening every time I hear it.
Are we gonna fight? Or is there just gonna be a monster sarcasm rally?
I'm in for a piece.
Everybody gets to play.
Sunday motions them back.
Guys, this is totally mine.
Okay, but you gotta share the eatin'. 'Cause I'm thinkin' Slayer's blood's gotta be-- whoa!-- like Thai Stick.
I thought people were suppose to get smarter in college?
Yeah, I think you had a lot of misconceptions about college. Like that anyone would be caught dead wearing that.
Buffy looks down at her clothes. When she looks up, Sunday decks her. Buffy falls and blocks Sunday's follow-up kick. Buffy throws some blows herself but Sunday is a very talented fighter and easily evades Buffy's attack. She sends Buffy sprawling again. When Buffy tries to get up, Sunday kicks her in the face. Buffy tries to slug her in the stomach but Sunday grabs her wrist and throws her up onto the dais, seizing her by the throat.
Don't take this the wrong way, but... you fight like a girl.
She punches Buffy in the head and throws her off the dais onto the ground. Buffy tries to fight back but it's obvious she's being bested by the blond vampire. Buffy can barely hold her own against Sunday's furious onslaught.
Sunday swings her around and throws her onto the hood of a nearby pickup truck. Buffy tries to sit up but Sunday jumps onto the hood and kicks her in the back, sending her up onto the roof of the cab. Buffy throws a punch with her left arm but Sunday sidesteps and grabs her wrist and brings her knee up into Buffy's elbow joint. There is a sickening cracking sound and Buffy cries out in pain as Sunday throws Buffy onto the hood of the truck where she bounces off and onto the ground. Buffy staggers to her feet, holding her left arm limp and close to her chest. She looks around her at the other vampires, who are smiling in anticipation of the kill.
Buffy knows she been beaten and runs off into the night. Sunday hops down from the truck, smiling.
Freshmen!
Kathy is snoring again. Buffy sits on her bed, bruised and tending to her arm. She carefully moves it away from her chest, holding it with her other hand, and grunts in pain.
Buffy opens the door one handed and exits the building. She is still badly bruised. She sees Willow and Oz talking with another student and avoids them.
Shafts of daylight stream through boarded up windows. The vampires are gathered around, laughing. Sunday is reclining on the couch.
N-n-no! The best part was when you ragged on her clothes. She was like, 'No! Not the ensemble!'
Those jeans? With the little patches? She has no one to blame but herself.
I heard they're coming back.
Not if I kill every single person who wears them.
I still think you should've let us have a piece. We could've finished her off.
She's not going to last the night. She's a done deal. In fact, guys, you're going to hit the tunnels.
Buffy enters through the kitchen door, still favoring her left arm.
Mom?
She heads upstairs and JOYCE, coming out into the hallway, greets her.
Buffy.
Hi.
She hugs her daughter and Buffy winces in pain.
Honey, how are you?
I'm okay.
How's college? (re: bruises) You've been fighting.
Oh, they started it.
Just as long as you're being careful. I really didn't think you'd show up here for a while.
Oh, I didn't have classes today and everything's just been so hectic I figured it'd be nice to come and crash for...
They reach her room and Buffy sees that it's crammed with wooden crates. Buffy looks at her mother questioningly.
Oh, well, yeah. You know, I didn't think you'd be back for a couple of weeks. But I didn't move anything. It's still your room.
You filled it with packing crates.
Yeah, but I didn't move anything.
If it's still my room, shouldn't I still be able to fit in it?
Well, it's just for a couple of weeks while we do inventory at the gallery. I just really didn't think you'd be back so soon.
Neither did I.
Buffy walks through the kitchen, heading out, when the phone rings. She answers it.
Hello? (beat) Hello?
Nothing but silence. She hangs up and leaves.
Buffy walks into her room to find that all of her things are missing. She finds a note on her bare mattress and reads it:
This is all just too much for me. I have decided to takeShe sits on her bed staring at the note.
A slow, sad song plays. Buffy enters and looks around, not seeing anyone she knows. She sees a man across the room turned away from her. He looks just like Angel but then he turns enough so that she can see that it isn't him.
XANDER sidles up to her.
The whole world in front of her and she comes back to this dive.
She turns around, her face lighting up with joy at the sight of him. She gives him a one-armed hug.
Xander!
Hey, Buff.
Oh, when did you get back?
Couple days ago.
You freak of nature. Why didn't you call me?
Well I knew you guys were starting the whole college adventure and I didn't want to, you know... help you move.
I missed you. How was your trip? Is America nice? I hear it's nice.
There's some purple mountains majesty, I'm going to have to say.
What'd you do? What'd you see?
Well...
Tell me!
Grand Canyon!
You saw the Grand Canyon?
Well, I saw the movie Grand Canyon on cable. Really lame.
Huh?
Basically, I got as far as Oxnard and the engine fell out of my car-- and that was literally. So I ended up washing dishes at The Fabulous Ladies Night Club for about a month and a half while I tried to pay for the repairs. No one really bothered me or even spoke to me until one night when one of the male strippers called in sick and no power on this earth will make me tell you the rest of that story. Suffice to say I traded my car in for one that wasn't entirely made of rust, came trundling back home to the arms of my loving parents, where everything was exactly as it was except I sleep in the basement and I have to pay rent. How's college?
Male strippers?
No power on this earth!
Okay. College is good.
Okay, once more with even less feeling.
No, really! I mean, Willow's in heaven and Oz has this really cool house off campus with the band.
And you're sitting here alone at the Bronze looking like you just got diagnosed with cancer of the puppy.
It's just... there was this vampire and she took me down and I just... I don't know how to stop her.
Then where's the gang? Avengers assemble! Let's get it going!
No, I don't want to bug them. I mean, they're just starting school and they don't need this.
Okay Buff, what's the what here?
It's just, what if I can't cut it?
Can't cut what? Slaying?
Slaying... everything.
Buffy, this is all about fear. It's understandable but you can't let it control you. 'Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to anger.' No wait, hold on. 'Fear leads to hate. Hate leads to the dark side.' Hold on, no, 'First you get the women, then you get the money, then you...' Okay, can we forget that?
Thanks for the Dada-ist pep talk. I feel much more abstract now.
The point is, you're Buffy.
Yeah, maybe in high school I was Buffy.
And now in college you're Betty Louise?
Yeah, I'm Betty Louise Plotnick of East Cupcake, Illinois. Or I might as well be.
Xander gets up and crouches down in front of her.
Buffy, I've gone through some fairly dark times in my life, faced some scary things, among them the kitchen at The Fabulous Ladies Night Club. Let me tell you something. When it's dark and I'm all alone and I'm scared or freaked out or whatever, I always think, 'What would Buffy do?' You're my hero. Okay, sometimes when it's dark and I'm all alone I think, 'What is Buffy wearing?'
Can that be one of those things you never, ever, tell me about?
It's a deal. Let's put this bitch in the ground! What do you say?
She holds out her right hand and he helps her up.
I think I say thank you.
And nothing says thank you like dollars in the waistband. Okay, what do we do first?
The glass in the door is broken and Buffy's at the counter working the computer while Xander examines newspaper back issues.
Kids disappearing every year. Not too many, just enough so that everyone thinks they up and left.
I can't believe the vampires took your stuff. Murder I expect, but petty larceny seems so... petty.
They have to be keeping it somewhere, on campus or at least nearby.
Hey, how far back do the disappearances go?
Buffy types at the keyboard, still favoring her left arm.
They weren't too common before '82.
Match number! Check this out.
He carries two newspapers over to the counter and Buffy picks one up and reads it aloud.
'Psi Theta loses it's charter. Building to be closed for renovation.'
1982. Look at this. (reads from the other paper) 'Former Psi Theta fraternity house lies dormant while zoning issues drag on before the City Council.' We have a winner.
Looks pretty cherry.
You up for a little reconnaissance?
You mean where we all sculpt and paint and stuff?
No, that was the Renaissance.
Oh. I've had a really long week. Let's go look at the house.
Establishing. The old fraternity house is a run-down and dilapidated building posted with large signs reading 'This Property Closed to the Public' and 'Keep Out.'
Buffy lies down on the skylight and clears some debris from the glass. She can see the vampires below, going through her possessions. Xander works up behind her.
Score!
Sunday holds one of Buffy's skirts up and grinds her hips mockingly.
Look how tough I am!
Oh! That's my skirt! You're never going to fit in it with those hips. (to Xander) We have to kill them.
We need weapons.
I don't see my weapons trunk down there. It was right by my bed. Mr. Gordo? (cold, hard) Go to my room. If it's not there, try Willow's. I'll keep an eye... (beat) My diary!
I'll hurry!
He works his way back from the skylight and hurries off.
The vampires tear apart Buffy's things, mocking her. The slow-witted vampire holds up one of her stuffed animals.
Uh-oh, score!
Buffy looks down at them, cold rage in her eyes.
Laugh all you want. This time we play it my way. And the rules are just going to be a little bit--
The skylight suddenly gives way beneath her and Buffy falls into the room, landing in the midst of the leering demons with a tremendous crash.
There is stunned silence as Buffy and the vampires regard each other.
Oh...
Sunday approaches Buffy with an arrogant sneer.
Say, don't I know you from... beating the crap out of you?
Buffy stands up and confronts her.
I just thought I'd drop in. Get it? Drop in? (beat) Boy, tough room.
I must say, you've really got me now. I mean, it's a diabolical plan: throw yourself at my feet with a broken arm and no weapons of any kind. How am I going to get out of this one?
You got a nice set-up here but you made one mistake.
Yeah? What was that?
Well, I'm not actually positive but statistically speaking people usually make at least--
Sunday decks Buffy send her reeling to the floor.
Kathy, Oz and Willow puzzle over Buffy's sudden disappearance.
It seems kind of weird.
Yeah, weird's a pretty good word for it.
Buffy wouldn't just take off. That's just not in her nature. (beat) Except for that one time she disappeared for several months and changed her name, but there were cir-cumstances then. There's no circumstances.
Does Buffy have a history of emotional problems? 'Cause on my request form I was pretty specific about a stable non-smoker.
I don't think this is her handwriting.
I bet there were circumstances! We've probably been so wrapped up in our own petty lives that... that we totally missed the circumstances. We're bad friends!
Let's think this through.
How can you be so calm?
Long, arduous hours of practice. Now either Buffy took off or she was robbed or--
It's a prank!
Xander!
Xander walks into the room with arms spread wide.
How are my guys?
He hugs Willow then hugs Kathy.
I don't know you, do I?
No.
This is very intrusive, isn't it?
Little bit.
Xander releases her.
Xander.
Kathy.
Do we hug?
I think we're too manly.
What's the prank?
Prank? Oh, the room! Well, some friends of Buffy's played a funny joke and they took her stuff. And now she wants us to help get it back from her friends who sleep all day and have no tans.
Oh! Those friends!
They're funny guys.
Xander looks around the bed.
They took the chest. Well, let's go! Let's go to our friend. It's nice meeting you Kathy.
Xander, Oz and Willow leave.
You too!
Xander fills them in on the situation.
Let's go to Will's, get supplies.
Is Buffy in danger?
She's in a holding pattern, we've got some time.
Buffy falls from another blow. As she tries to defend herself, she spots her weapons trunk. She starts to crawl toward it but Sunday steps in front of her, holding Buffy's Sunnydale High Class Protector umbrella award.
Oh, and this. This is my favorite item.
You don't want to touch that.
Sunday drops it on the floor and stomps on it, breaking the handle, then seizes Buffy by her bad arm.
You know this arm's not looking so good. It might have to come off.
You want to know the truth? I only need one.
She decks Sunday with a roundhouse blow from her good arm and Sunday crashes to the floor. Buffy rolls to her feet and kicks Sunday in the face, then flips her over the couch onto the coffee table. She catches some broken wood from the coffee table with her foot and kicks Sunday in the face with it. Sunday falls into a pile of debris, dazed and hurting.
This is startin' to suck.
Sunday stands up, her face demonically twisted. The fat female vampire rushes to Sunday's aid.
One of Sunday's henchman is spooked by Buffy's sudden resourcefulness and makes a break for the door. But suddenly Xander is there, brandishing a cross and forcing the vampire back. Oz runs in behind him with Willow, who is struggling with a crossbow, trying to load a bolt.
Buffy takes a tennis racket and smashes it into the fat vampire's face, dropping her and breaking the racket in two. She simultaneously sends a roundhouse kick to Sunday's head, knocking her backward over the furniture.
The Surfer Vampire sees her fighting with the weapon and charges her. As the huge vampire bears down on her, she raises the bow and lets the bolt fly. It hits home with perfect accuracy and the demon freezes in its tracks, a look of dismay on his vapid face. He looks up at Willow as he crumbles to dust, his final word fading out with him.
Whoa!
Sunday lies on the floor with Buffy standing over her.
When you look back on this-- in the three seconds it'll take you to turn to dust-- I think you'll find the mistake was touching my stuff.
The fat female vampire sees the fire in Buffy's eye and decides now is a good time to bolt. She runs out as Sunday gets to her feet and rushes Buffy. Buffy swings at her, one-armed, but Sunday blocks, catching her in a chokehold.
What about breaking your arm? How'd that feel?
She reaches for Buffy's injured arm.
Let me answer that question with a head butt.
Buffy smashes the back of her head into Sunday's face and sends the blond vampire staggering.
Xander and Oz face off with the vampire they met on the way in. Oz hits him on the head from behind with a cross, then ducks down. When the demon turns, Xander pushes him over Oz who flips the him onto his back. Xander moves in for
the kill and slams his stake through the creature's chest. The vampire howls in pain and rage as he turns to dust.
Buffy presses her advantage and drives Sunday her backward.
And for the record, the arm is hurt...
Buffy makes a fist with her injured arm and delivers a devastating uppercut to Sunday's jaw, launching her across the room.
Not broken.
When he sees the true extent of Buffy's strength and skill, the last of Sunday's gang, a vampire named TOM, hightails it out the door, leaving Sunday alone to face Buffy and her friends.
Oz walks up behind the Slayer.
Hey, Buff. Need a hand?
Buffy turns her back on Sunday, giving her stake a casual twirl.
No thanks.
She spins around and whips the stake across the room, burying it in Sunday's chest.
I'm good.
Sunday looks down at the stake protruding from her heart and shakes her head in dismay as she disintegrates.
Buffy retrieves her Class Protector award, straightening out handle and smoothing the umbrella.
The gang leaves the house carrying Buffy's stuff in boxes.
So all that other stuff in there? That's just going to sit in there, right? I mean, no one owns it in the strictest sense.
It seems wrong, somehow.
Dibs on the rowing machine.
Buffy!
Giles runs up carrying a crossbow in one hand and a battle axe in the other.
Hi, Giles.
What's with the arsenal?
I've been awake all night. I know I'm supposed to teach you self- reliance but I can't leave you out there to fight alone. To hell with what's right, I'm ready to back you up. Let's find the evil and fight it together.
Great! Thanks! We'll get right on that.
They step around him and continue on their way.
The evil is this way?
My room is.
Hey Giles, could you get this box on top?
Still not sure what's going on, Giles helps Willow carry the boxes.
So, college not so scary after all, huh?
It's turning out to be a lot like high school, which I can handle. At least I know what to expect.
Tom darts from tree to tree in the shadows. He suddenly stops, sensing something behind him. As he turns, two tazer darts embed themselves in his chest. The vampire goes rigid as the electricity floods his body. He drops to the ground, dazed but conscious.
Three masked and camouflaged figures step forward out of the underbrush. One has a coil of rope, another has a pistol and the third a rifle. They surround the paralyzed vampire and drag him away.