[Transcript of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" episode Beer Bad at buffyology.com.]
BUFFY pummels a vampire while PARKER lies hurt and dazed on the ground nearby.
Buffy?
Parker, stay down!
As she fights the first vampire, two more vampires seize Parker and start dragging him off into the bushes.
Buffy!
Buffy runs to Parker's rescue, knocking both vampires to the ground and attacking them while at the same time fighting the first demon. She kicks one to the ground and stakes him through the heart, then spins around and slams her stake through the chests of the other two vampires in quick succession. She pauses to catch her breath as a cloud of dust settles to the ground.
Parker approaches her holding his injured arm.
Buffy, I don't know what to say. After the way I've treated you... and now I owe you my life.
It's nothing.
It's everything. You're everything. And I'm going to do whatever it takes to get you to forgive me. Do you think one day you might?
No!
Buffy snaps out of her reverie and stares daggers at the giggling girl who is sitting beside Parker and looking at him with adoration.
Professor MAGGIE WALSH continues with her lecture, oblivious to this little side drama.
These are the things we want. Simple things. Comfort, sex, shelter, food. We always want them and we want them all the time. The id doesn't learn-- it doesn't grow up. It has the ego telling it what it can't have and it has the superego telling it what it should want. But the id works solely out of the pleasure principle. It wants. Whatever social skills you've learned, however much we've evolved, the pleasure principal is at work in all of us. So... how does this conflict with the ego manifest itself in the psyche? What do we do when we can't have what we want?
Buffy stakes all three vampires again.
Buffy, I don't know what to say. After the way I've treated you... and now I owe you my life.
Parker now has a bouquet of flowers and a carton of ice cream in his arms.
Can you ever forgive me?
Opening credit sequence.
Buffy sits at a picnic table with WILLOW, studying. XANDER walks up and holds a cigarette lighter up to Buffy, as if offering to light her cigarette.
Rough day? (off her look) Come on, Buff. Be a lonely drunk. Rough day?
Stop flicking at me.
Work with me here. I'm finally an essential part of your collegey life. No more looking down on the townie. I'm the new bartender over at the pub. Got my lighter, my rag, my empathy face
Aren't you too young to be a bartender?
Au contraire, mon frere.
"Mon frere" means brother
"Mon girlfrere." Behold...
He holds up a fake ID.
I don't believe this is entirely on the up and up.
What gives it away?
Looking at it.
Well no one's going to see it anyway. Now I'm the bartender. I kick people out
You know, there's more to it than wiping and kicking. Mixing drinks for instance.
Well, I've seen Cocktail. I can do the hippy-hippy shake.
Well, even if I had a pretend cigarette, I couldn't tell you my pretend problems. The real ones have clogged up my headspace.
Oh, unload 'em right here, baby. Rough day? You want to talk about it? (off her look) Shutting up now.
I'm pregnant by my stepbrother who'd rather be with my best friend who left me with no place to live. No food except this bottle of Wild Turkey, which I drank all up.
Xander looks at her, shocked.
That was me being tanked and friendless for ya.
Gets my Oscar nod.
You know what? It's class time.
So are you going to come by the pub tonight?
Oz. Bronze. Date.
You know, maybe he's just having trouble dealing. I mean, don't guys sometimes put the girl they really, really like inside these deep little brain fantasy bubbles where everything's perfect? They do that, right?
How's that fugue state coming along?
Parker.
Maybe I'm in his bubble and then pretty soon he's going to realize that he wants more than just Bubble Buffy and he'll pop me out and we'll go to dinner and it could happen, right?
Buffy. And as my best friend you need to stop thinking about Parker. He's no good. There are men-- better men-- wherein the mind is stronger than the penis.
Nothing can defeat the penis! (he draws looks) Too loud, very unseemly.
I mean, I'm sorry to be so coarse, but I feel strongly about stinky Parker man
He can be really sweet. I'm telling you, I think he has intimacy problems because of the death of his father.
Not interested. You got troubles, tell 'em to the bartender.
That's right. 'Cause the bartender's always ready to listen.
Xander is completely overwhelmed, trying to take and fill drink orders and keep the horde of demanding customers satisfied. He's very much out of his element.
What? What? Okay, and you had a rum and Coke and you had a Poker's Light. And a vodka on the rocks. And a water. Is that right?
Do I have to write it down for you? A glass of ice water. A simple request. Ice water.
A cold ale, a Canadian lager, a glass of white wine. And a daiquiri
Ice water, right. Do you want that on the rocks?
Buffy enters and immediately notices Parker talking to a girl. Distracted, she walks right into RILEY, spilling his drink on him.
Oh. Riley, I'm so sorry.
That's okay, you know, but most people go around. I'm not saying you can't go through me, it's just that the other is much quicker.
In my defense, you do take up a lot of space.
I do. I'm sorry. You looking for someone?
I just saw Parker over there.
Right. Parker and his latest conquest. You know, that boy should have a revolving door.
He's kind of a girl-chaser, huh?
Sets 'em up and knocks 'em down. I guess maybe I'm old fashioned but my father says that if you want to be a gentleman you...
He realizes that Buffy's attention is elsewhere.
...don't even care what my father says.
I'm sorry, what?
Forget about it. You know, I've got some people waiting. I'll see you in class, right?
Riley leaves and Buffy turns back to Parker and the girl in time to see them making out. Heartbroken, she turns to leave as well.
Xander at the bar. PAULA and her girlfriend, MELODY, are talking. Xander walks over and flicks his cigarette lighter at Paula.
Rough day?
Nah, it's been super. We accepted Melody's pledge. And made her an official sister of . And our pins arrived today. I designed it myself.
You are so sharp.
CHAD, a buttoned-down, intellectual rich boy approaches the bar.
Hey, Paula. You keeping this fine bartender from his duty? A man's gotta make a living.
It's all right.
So the guys and I are about to celebrate--
I said it was all right. I'm due for a break.
Oh, so what were you discussing? Maybe we could all join.
Be nice.
What?
Forget it.
Oh, no. I rudely interrupted and it sounds like the two of you were having quite the meeting of minds. Possibly debating the geopolitical ramifications of bioengineering. You got a take on that?
I've got beer. You want some beer?
Yeah, a pitcher of Black Frost. You see, I think we have a perfect venue here for conducting a little sociometry; a bipolar continuum of attraction and rejection. Now given your sociological statuses, I foresee a "B rejects A" dyad. I'm sorry, let me clarify. You see, we are the future of this country and you keep our bowl of peanuts full. We are what these girls want. (beat) And four glasses.
How's about I see some ID 'cause you're not seeing a drop until I'm satisfied that--
Just give 'em the beer.
Xander reluctantly pours a pitcher for them and leaves.
Later. Buffy is sitting alone at the bar, her expression one of infinite sadness. Xander sees her and walks over.
Buffy? Rough day? Want to tell me about it?
It's just... Parker's problem with intimacy turns out to be that he can't get enough of it. And I knew it. I knew what he was. If he were tied and gagged and left in a cave that vampires happen to frequent it wouldn't really be like I killed him... really.
Buffy...
I'm a slut.
No.
Idiot?
No. You gotta stop being so hard on--
Hey!
Sorry, so sorry.
I'm better. This has helped.
Do not go anywhere.
Xander runs off to do his boss's bidding and Buffy decides to head out. She gets up to leave when Chad bumps into her.
Oh, I'm so sorry. I just keep running into people today.
I can't imagine anybody minding. You're not thinking about leaving are you? Because we have a strict policy against you leaving... at least until you've had a drink.
HUNT, Chad's friend, appears by his side, smiling.
Yeah, well what my friend is just saying is you shouldn't be sad and alone right now. I mean, you're a very beautiful girl who should be covered with men. And could we be those men? It's on us.
Buffy looks across the room and sees Parker leaving with his latest girl. Buffy smiles at the guys and takes a mug of beer from them.
Oz walks through the crowd with two drinks in hand. He brings them over to Willow who is sitting at a table.
Hey. You got a table.
I had to kill a man.
Well, it's a really good table.
I copied out my notes for Psych since you were so elsewhere this morning.
Thanks.
It's really pretty simple stuff. You know, just what's the matter?
I don't know. I feel it's nothing.
Their attention is drawn to the stage as VERUCA, an exotic-looking young woman, takes the stage and starts to sing a haunting ballad. Oz is entranced which doesn't go unnoticed by Willow. It seems Veruca is singing to Oz personally.
We could go back to your place. I could make you soup.
No. That's okay. I'm fine, thanks.
Oz continues staring at Veruca and Willow starts to get uncomfortable.
Do you know her?
Veruca? No. I know their drummer. He's cool. I've never heard them play.
The song gets more intense and Oz is mesmerized by Veruca.
Buffy chugs a beer.
Chug, chug, chug, chug!
Buffy finishes the beer with a satisfied burp.
The thing that the modern day scholars failed to realize is that all the socio-economical and psychological problems inherent in modern society can be solved by the judicious application of way too much beer.
Black Frost is the only beer.
My mother always said that beer was evil.
Evil. Good. These are moral absolutes that predate the fermentation of malt and fine hops. You see... wait where was I?
I'm really not sure.
KIP clears his throat and prepares to make a grand pronouncement.
Well, Thomas Aquinas and--
The other guys groan and shout him down.
There will be no Thomas Aquinas at this table.
Keep your theology of providence to yourself frat boy.
I was just drawing a parallel between--
Beer. Had the earliest morality developed under the influence of beer, there would be no good or evil. There would just be kinda nice and pretty cool. Everything would be different.
You guys really like to hear yourselves speak, don't you?
All right, we're losing her guys
Say something interesting.
Tell us about yourself.
Yeah, what do you like?
Well, I don't hate this for a start.
Willow walks in from the bathroom with a towel over her shoulder and her bath stuff in hand, mumbling to herself.
My name's Veruca. I'm in a band. I'm Oz, I'm in a band, too. Oh, and this is Willow. Oh, how fun and creepy. Groovy. Buff, have you heard of this Veruca chick? Dresses like Faith, voice like an albatross?
Buffy is staring mindlessly at MTV.
TV is a good thing. Bright colors. Music. Tiny little people.
What did you do with Buffy?
I'm suffering the afterness of a bad night of badness.
You didn't... not with Parker again.
No, with four really smart guys.
Four? Oh. (beat) Ow. Oh, Buffy, are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?
I went to see Xander. Then I saw Parker. Then came beer.
And then group sex?
Buffy smacks her in the arm.
Gutter face. No! Just lots and lots of beer. It's nice. Foamy. Comforting. It's just beer.
Drowning your troubles over Parker. Mind-frying man! He deserves a slow and torturous death by spider bites. Well, for today we'll just have to throw spitballs at his neck in class.
Okay.
Buffy gets up to leave in her pajamas and Willow gently stops her.
Getting dressed would be fun too.
Professor Walsh is in mid-lecture. Willow pays earnest attention while Buffy merely looks bored and distracted.
Next class we'll be moving on to personality types and disorders. For those of you who have done the reading you already know... (re: Buffy's raised hand) Yes?
She read the reading.
Well, she'll have some time on her hands. As I was saying. We won't be able to cover it all in the class but that doesn't mean it isn't worth knowing and it doesn't mean it won't be on the mid- term. Now, if I've been unclear in any way, speak now.
Buffy eyes another girl's sandwich, then snatches it and starts to eat it.
Buffy! Buffy are you okay?
Good. Now before you go. Make sure you get the complete worksheet from the T.A. Based on that do problems and hand them to me at the start of the class on Monday.
Yeah, why wouldn't I be?
Beakers bubble and multicolored fluids pulse between test tubes boiling over Bunsen burners. A gloved hand turns a knob and a golden-brown liquid flows down a tub into a vat of Black Frost beer.
Buffy watches Chad pour beer into her glass.
This good. Oh, good enough.
Still more is good.
Yeah. Foamy.
You should come to our class on big thinking. It's good.
They all laugh but the laughing sounds more like grunting.
Xander at the bar. He's watching Buffy and her new friends, concerned. A GIRL approaches with a cigarette.
Boy, I'm having the worst day. You got a light?
Xander absently points to a no-smoking sign.
Buffy and the guys.
I like girls.
You stupid.
No, you stupid.
Smelly head.
Chad pushes Hunt over onto the floor. They all grunt and laugh again and Xander looks even more concerned.
Oz approaches Willow as she leaves her room.
Willow, hey. I tried calling
Yeah, I've been up at the library. How are you feeling?
What do you mean?
Well, you weren't in class. Again.
Yeah, I was practicing. Hey, Shy's playing again tonight.
Shy?
Yeah, Veruca's band... and they asked me to sit in with them. It would be kinda cool if you were there.
Two Veruca shows in two nights. Are you sure you want to share your groupie? I think I'm going to study. Because of the fun.
Well, yeah. I guess I could see how it'd be dull for you.
An uncomfortable silence hangs between them and Oz looks confused at Willow's distant attitude.
See ya.
She turns around and leaves. He looks after he a moment, hurt, then does the same.
Yeah.
The pub is deserted except for Buffy's group.
Stupid.
No, you stupid.
No you.
They all laugh as Xander puts some music on the jukebox.
Hey!
She runs over to Xander and looks at him like she's trying to figure out who he is. Then she bangs on the jukebox and laughs.
Thing. Like it.
It's time to go home, Buffy.
Want more singing. Want more beer.
No, I've cut you off.
Did it hurt?
Out you go.
Xander picks her up and starts carrying her to the door. She struggles but eventually walks with him.
Want beer. Like beer. Beer good.
Beer bad. Bad, bad beer. What the hell am I saying? Buffy, go home and go to bed.
She pushes him playfully.
Say bye.
Bye.
Bye.
She leaves just as Chad and his boys realize she's gone and look around for her.
Hey, where'd girl go?
Willow walks in and sees Parker stirring his coffee. She steadies herself and then approaches him. He looks up at her as she stands over him.
Hey. Did you want something?
Yes. I wanted to give you a piece of my mind. I'm tired of you men and your manness. Buffy's really hurting right now. In fact, she's in need of a big mental tidy. Parker, how could you do this to her?
I don't get what you mean. What did I do?
She shared something very intimate with you and you act like it's nothing more than a bag of some kind of snack food.
Willow, I'm not sure I need to explain my actions here but if that's what you want...
Yes, followed by an admission of undeniable guilt. But go on.
She sits down with him and waits expectantly.
Some relationships center on a deep emotional tie... or a loyal friendship... or something. But most are just two people passing through life enriching or aggravating each other's lives briefly.
Go on.
Just for one night, can't two people who feel an attraction come together and create something wonderful? And then go back to their lives the next day better for it but never over-analyzing it or wanting it to be more than it was? I have. She should, too.
People like Buffy and me assume that intimacy means friendship and respect. People shouldn't have to ask first if you're going to be eyeing other prospects tomorrow.
People shouldn't have to preface casual sex with "Just so you know, I'll never grow any older with you". It takes the fire out of it.
Maybe.
Willow, I don't regret what happened... or what we did. But I am sorry that Buffy's hurting and if I misled her, then I'm sorry for that, too. I didn't mean to. I'm impressed that you care so much about her. You're a good friend.
Willow looks at him uncertainly, not sure if he's the evil monster guy she wants him to be.
The frat guys are acting boorishly but it's not just their behavior that's unusual. They seem to be hunched over, their brows thicker, their facial hair heavier.
Xander walks over to clean the table and collect the bill.
All right, time to pay up and go home guys.
They throw money indiscriminately at him as Chad heads to the washroom. Xander continues cleaning and picks up a wad of cash from the table. He picks through the bills.
Let's see, I'll take this one and this one. And you know, I've always had a problem calculating the tip and you guys being so dapper and brainy, maybe you can help me out. Okay, great. See if your bill comes to thirty-eight dollars and people tip what-- approximately thirty percent?-- that makes your tip what? (Kip gives him all the money) You are so smart. This is so the right amount. (re: banging in the bathroom) Somebody didn't have their fiber today. (to Chad) Hey, are you all right in there? Buddy?
Chad bursts out of the bathroom, fully transformed into a Neanderthal. He charges Xander and knocks him in the head with a makeshift club.
Neanderthal Chad sits on top of Xander and sniffs him. Xander slowly comes to and looks up at Chad, shocked. Three other frat guys back away in fright.
Oh, god.
Let's get outta here!
Neanderthal Chad roars in Xander's face and Xander yells back. He scrambles to his feet as the other frat guys also devolve into Neanderthals and begin to stalk him.
Hey, hey, easy. We're cool. Help. Oh, god.
They back him into a corner and he pulls out his Zippo lighter in desperation and lights it. The Neanderthals suddenly cower away from him, apparently terrified of the fire. They back away cautiously.
Fire bad. Fire pretty.
Xander shoves the flame at them.
Fire angry!
They all bolt for the door in fear, disappearing into the night. Xander locks the door behind them and calls out to his boss.
Jack! Jack! We've got a problem. The guys... some of the patrons are turning into cavemen.
They've had it comin'.
The frat guy "cavemen" riot like apes, jumping into trees and fighting.
Xander stares in shock as JACK, his boss, explains what he's done to the students.
You know, I've been taking abuse from snot-nosed kids for twenty years. They're always coming in here with their snotty attitude, drinking their fruity little micro-brews and spouting out some philosophy like it means a damn thing... thinking they're different than us.
They are now.
They ain't. That's the great thing about beer. It makes all men the same.
Why are we talking about beer? The guys are cavemen!
Neat huh? My brother-in-law's a warlock. He showed me how to do it.
No. No neat. I served them that beer. I served Buffy that beer! How much beer would you say a person would need to consume before they start seriously questing for fire?
Relax. It will wear off in a day or so.
In a day or so someone is going to get killed. You're a bad, bad man.
The Neanderthals charge out into traffic and one is hit head-on by a car. He is seriously injured and the DRIVER jumps out to help.
I didn't see him! Is he okay?
When the driver sees what they are, he runs away in fear. The other cavemen proceed to take the hapless driver's car apart and when they're done, they chase a group of girls down the street, leaving their injured comrade behind.
Xander and Giles hurry through the halls on their way to check on Buffy.
Well, I cut her off before the others, so I don't think she had as much to drink.
I can't believe you served Buffy that beer.
I didn't know it was evil.
But you knew it was beer.
Well, excuse me, Mr. "I spent the Sixties in an electric Kool-Aid funky Satan groove".
It was the early Seventies and you should know better.
I'm not the dad of her. Buffy's a grown up. It wasn't enough to...
Xander stops in shock as they enter Buffy's room and find her drawing primitive pictographs on her wall in crayon. She glances up at them with a feral look in her eye and bangs on the picture of a man she has drawn on the wall.
Parker bad!
Parker and Willow have moved to a couch and are still talking. Willow seems to have been won over by Parker's charm. At the very least, she's now giving him the benefit of the doubt.
I don't mean this in a bragging way but I do get to know a lot of women
Well, getting to know people is good.
But I haven't found "the one" yet. I've yet to find the girl that I can just sit with, feel totally at ease, saying whatever's on my mind... or even sit with comfortably in silence. Willow, can I tell you something kind of private?
Okay, I mean, I feel you've shown me a perspective I haven't really thought much about before. What was it you wanted to tell me?
Parker looks deep into her eyes, his charm turned on full-force now.
Just that I've enjoyed talking to you. Here. Tonight.
Willow smiles sweetly at him, moving slightly closer.
Me, too. I mean, with you. You know, I'm wondering something about you.
What?
Willow sits back, smiling ironically. Her tone mocking, no longer seductively sweet.
Just how gullible do you think I am? I mean, with your gentle eyes and your shy smile and your ability to talk openly even to me! You're unbelievable!
Parker is taken aback at how easily she saw through him and how little effect his charm had on her.
What?
This isn't sharing. This isn't connecting. It's the pleasure principle. That's right, I got your number, Id Boy. The only thing you're thinking about is how quick you can jump on my bones.
Look, if you think that I'm--
I mean, you men. It's all about the sex! You find a woman, drag her to your den, do whatever's necessary, just as long as you get the sex. I tell you, men haven't changed since the dawn of time.
The cavemen suddenly burst through the doors of the coffee shop with the screaming girls in tow.
You see?
The cavemen charge and knock Willow down. Parker stands up to protest and is knocked unconscious for his trouble.
Giles stares at Buffy in rapt wonder. She's spinning aimlessly on her desk chair, then abruptly tumbles to the floor.
Fascinating, really.
After pulling herself back up, Buffy bangs on the television set in frustration.
Want people. Where people go?
The TV is off.
Want! Want people.
She doesn't appear to be in any danger. Maybe you should stay with her.
Buffy looks at Xander, then shuffles over and sniffs him.
Or perhaps she should be left alone.
Boy smell nice.
She grabs Xander and starts sniffing him from head to toe.
Yeah, I think we need to track down the fun boys somewhat pronto. Jack said the effects of the beer would wear off.
Beer? Buffy want beer.
You can't have beer.
Buffy rounds on Giles, her eyes narrowing suspiciously.
Want beer.
Giles, don't make Cave Slayer unhappy.
She throws a fake a punch in Giles' direction.
Buffy strong.
Yes, Buffy strong.
Buffy get beer.
Buffy get--
Buffy suddenly tackles him, shoves Xander out of the way and bolts from the room. Xander recovers and helps Giles up.
Giles!
I'm fine. Just get her.
Which way?
Giles points down the corridor.
Check down there. We have to find her before someone gets hurt.
The cavemen knock Willow unconscious as well and drop her near Parker's still form. They tear the place to shambles and have inadvertently started a fire. Neanderthal Chad leans over Willow.
Woman. Man.
Neanderthal Hunt waves a piece of wood in the air.
Woman!
Resume. The Neanderthal frat guys finally realize the pub is on fire and start to panic, trapped in the burning building.
Xander runs across campus for all he's worth. He finally spots Buffy and cautiously approaches her. She looks at him, confused.
Buffy! Buffy! Aha, can't find the beer. Good. Freshman girls unable to hold the beer shouldn't have it. Get into trouble.
Buffy pulls away from him, angry.
Hey, we're good. Remember the boy? Boy smells good, yeah? Is there any part of Buffy still in there?
Buffy starts to curiously sniff the air and they both turn at once to see smoke pouring from the Espresso Pump.
Oh, no...
Fire bad!
Buffy dashes off toward the pub.
The Neanderthals have gathered all the girls into a corner and continue to cavort around the café, confused and frightened by the fire. Buffy breaks in but can't get past the flames. She sees a fire extinguisher attached to the wall and pulls it off but can't quite seem to remember what it's for or how to use it so she tosses it into the fire. As she does so, she spots Willow lying on the floor beyond the flames
and her primal instinct to protect her best friend switches into overdrive. She does a standing leap 15 feet in the air, up and over the flames, and lands near Willow as Xander runs into the building.
Buffy?
Xander can't take the smoke and runs back outside, coughing and choking.
Where the hell is Giles?
Giles intensely questions a student who has no clue what he's talking about.
Blonde... about this tall... walks with a sort of a sideways limp?
The girl shakes her head uncertainly.
Buffy looks at the spreading flames with confused concern.
Bad. Bad.
Buffy spots small windows set into the wall near the ceiling leading to street level. She leaps up and snags an over head network of conduits and works her way hand over hand until she's close enough to kick the window open. The Neanderthals see what she's doing and a light dawns. They start knocking over furniture and piling it up, making a makeshift ladder to the window. They make it out and the terrified college girls follow them. Buffy drags Willow out and up to the window where Xander is helping evacuate the building. The fresh air brings Willow around.
Are you all right?
Buffy's still in there.
Back inside, Buffy looks around and notices Parker, still lying where the cavemen dropped him. He's awake now and coughing but doesn't notice Buffy who looks from Parker to a large club-like piece of wood at her feet.
Oh, god. Help me. I can't breathe. (sees Buffy) Buffy! Oh, god, what do we do?
Buffy clubs him over the head with the stick and takes him by the arm, dragging him to safety.
Xander and Giles stand near a street bench where Willow sits, recovering. Buffy hovers over her protectively.
Did you guys have enough fun for one night?
Yes, please.
Buffy tired.
And was there a lesson in all this, huh? What did we learn about beer?
Foamy!
Good, just as long as that's clear. Anyway, I think that the boys in the car are contained for the time being. This will give them some time to ponder the geo-political ramifications of being mean to me!
Buffy walks over to a parked mini-van and peers at the Neanderthals locked inside. She bangs on the window, drawing their attention.
Whose van is that?
I don't know. Wasn't locked.
Parker approaches Buffy, alive and well, but nursing a lump on his head.
Buffy... I don't know how to say this. I'm sorry for how I treated you before. It was wrong of me and I'm sorry. You were great tonight, really. I might not deserve this but do you think that you could forgive me?
Buffy regards him curiously for a moment, then abruptly whacks him over the head again with the club and knocks him out. The gang gathers around and looks down at him.
Buffy turns back toward her drinking buddies in the van but Xander takes her by the shoulders and together, her friends see her safely home.