[Transcript of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" episode Superstar at buffyology.com.]
BUFFY rolls backward and flips to her feet as a snarling bald vampire spins and kicks at Buffy's head. Then follows up with a kick to her in the stomach, driving her back. She's barely holding her own.
Xander, Anya!
The vampire rolls over backward as WILLOW cries a warning from the bushes.
Buffy, another one!
A second vampire snarls and attacks Buffy.
XANDER grabs the bald vampire from behind while ANYA tries to hold onto him from the front.
Buffy kicks the dark-haired vampire in the face and he gets up and runs away.
Buffy!
Willow tosses Buffy a stake. Buffy catches it just as the vampire breaks free of Xander and Anya and charges her. She stakes it but flinches as she does so, almost as if she's afraid.
Where's the other one?
Xander points.
Scampered like a big bumpy bunny.
In there.
She points to a mausoleum and the four of them cautiously approach it.
Five vampires feed off a single victim. Buffy, still holding her stake, looks back worriedly at Xander, Willow and Anya.
The gang exits the crypt looking depressed.
I don't care if it is an orgy of death, there's still such a thing as a napkin.
A nest. No biggie. I bet I could do it. I know could take at least two.
Yes and we could run for help while the other three suck your heart out through your neck.
You're right. It's too many for just us. You know who we need.
Establishing.
Buffy and the others enter slowly, as supplicants, and approach a massive mahogany desk.
Uh, hi. We have a problem.
The chair behind the desk spins around to reveal JONATHAN LEVINSON, dressed in a sharp black turtle neck. He smiles and exudes a confidence we've never seen before.
Sounds like you could use my help.
Opening credit sequence.
Buffy practices her martial arts while GILES reads a book. Jonathan checks out Buffy's crossbow with admiration. Xander picks up a stake and pretends to stake Anya with it.
The quick draw is about more than speed. It's also about pointing a stake the right way. And there can be splinter issues. It is a true test of dexterity.
Anya holds out a carton of milk to him.
Can you open this?
No, I tear it and it gets all sloshy.
Thanks for doing this, Jonathan. I wouldn't ask but...
Hey, don't worry about it. Nest full of vampires, you come get me. Okay. Box full of puppies, that's more of a judgment call.
Buffy laughs with him.
Hit me.
Buffy attacks and Jonathan blocks her blows and stops short of landing a counter- punch.
You got me. It was very... punchy.
Watch out for southpaws, Buff. Don't let 'em surprise you.
Giles looks up from his book.
Haven't found a reference to any rituals. Seems more like a family meal, if you will.
And they say no one eats without the TV on anymore.
Thanks, Rupert. Well, it's good to know we're not walking into the unholy feast of something or other.
Oh, Jonathan, I'm in. Schematics for the crypt, part of the original plan for the cemetery. Sometimes there's a... oh, no back way in. Just the one entrance.
Buffy speaks rapidly, almost desperate to contribute.
Well, maybe we could make it work for us. We could stake out the entrance, you know. Maybe use a decoy, lure them out.
Or I bet... (accesses computer) There! We can get in that way.
Buffy is upset. Willow is impressed.
Oh, of course. Why didn't I think of that?
I'm sure you would have.
Willow smiles at him with adoration.
I think we have a plan.
He hands Xander the crossbow and flips Anya and Buffy each a stake.
Buffy, you go in first. Let them get a look at the Slayer. Xander...
He's suddenly distracted by Giles' chessboard.
The Nimzowitsch defense. Let's see if I remember... (moves piece) Mate in four. You almost got me that time, Rupert.
Giles is shocked.
Xander, Willow and Anya: you back up Buffy. I'll be the surprise guest. Everyone, let's show these fiends that they came to the wrong town.
One of the vampires rises from feeding and looks up as an arrow slams into his chest. He explodes into dust as the other four rise together and confront Buffy, Anya, Xander and Willow. Suddenly, Jonathan crashes through the skylight and fires the mini-crossbow as he lands, hitting one of the vampires square in the heart.
The last three vampires charge. Jonathan fires again, dusting one. Buffy stakes another. The remaining vampire breaks free from the Xander and Willow, slaps the stake out of Buffy's hand and runs past her.
Buffy, he's getting away!
Jonathan back flips across the room, then aims and fires a third time. Buffy spins around just as the last vampire turns to dust.
I should have gotten that one.
You got two of them. And that second one was ready for you. (smiles) You should feel pretty good.
But I let one get by me.
Don't worry. You know it only matters that you do your best.
But that's just it. I don't think it was my best.
Buffy, Jonathan and the gang exit the mausoleum into a cacophony of a group of photographers and journalists. He smiles for the paparazzi.
Hey, Jonathan! Over here, quick photo, please another one, right here.
Okay, guys. That's enough.
The journalists grumble but obey Jonathan and back off.
I think we did great. We knocked 'em dead. Which they already were.
We knocked 'em deader!
They weren't very well-organized. If they had all rushed at Buffy they could have killed her right away.
Thanks, Anya. That won't keep me awake all night.
Vampires only form nests to make hunting easier. They're not big on the cooperation. They mostly like to hang out all creepy and alone in the shadows. Don't you agree... Spike?
With a flourish, SPIKE steps out from behind a bush.
Well, well... the man himself.
What are you doing here?
Jonathan and Spike circle each other slowly, warily.
I live here. I wasn't exactly pining for a noisy visit from Wonder Jonathan and his Fluffy Battle Kittens.
Yeah? You think that one up with all the time you spend not being able to bite people?
Careful, he's still pretty dangerous.
Yeah. Back off, Betty.
It's Buffy, you big, bleached... (beat) stupid guy.
Spike, you're the worst type of scum. The second you're back to your old tricks... well, let's just say before you even sniff out your first victim, you'll be pretty indistinguishable from-- oh, what should we say?-- instant soup mix.
Willow and Tara sit on her bed and Willow is excited, relating the adventures of the night before.
Next thing I know, this crazed vamp is like running right at me and I know if it gets past me there's no telling who's in danger next.
Come on... you have fun. Admit it. Living the Scooby life.
I was going for a kind of stoic bravery but yeah. And it was exciting with the ceiling coming in and everything...
Willow tapes a piece of paper onto a posterboard off screen.
Oh, that's a cute one! And Buffy? She was okay?
Oh, she was great! Twang! Poof! (off Tara's confused look) That was the sound. The crossbow, vampire dusting. I mean, she was a little cranky that she missed that one vamp.
Tara pastes her own addition onto the posterboard.
Well, I kind of meant personally. That whole thing with Faith... it pretty much freaked me out and I was just sensing it from a distance.
Oh, yeah. I know she's not over the whole Riley-sleeping-with- Faith thing. Oh, you know I mean Faith's insides and Buffy's outsides when her insides were out.
Reveal the posterboard: Tara and Willow are working on a large montage consisting of hundreds of photos of Jonathan.
I hope they'll be okay.
I'm sure it'll blow over. They're probably all with the smoochies right now.
RILEY has a Nerf basketball in each hand. Buffy sits on his bed, watching with amusement.
You must be feeling better.
Riley tosses the ball through the hoop on the back of his door. Underneath the hoop is a poster of Jonathan slam-dunking a ball before a cheering crowd. Riley catches the ball as it bounces back to him.
Yeah, yeah. I'm a lot stronger. I'm no Jonathan but I'm doing okay.
Are you? I mean, you're not?
What?
Eating the Initiative's Technicolor food of strongness.
No, they swear they've stopping treating the food but I'm not taking the chance. You know I don't know if that means I'll get weaker or dumber... or smarter
They're not big with the disclosure, huh?
They still haven't released a full profile on Adam and we're having zero luck tracking him. I just... if they'd just put a little trust in me, then I know I could get the job done.
I've felt that way my entire life.
Riley sits down beside Buffy. Uneasy, Buffy stands and nervously tosses a ball at the basket-- and misses.
You'd think I could do that. Guess it takes different muscles than demon beheading.
You just need a few pointers.
Riley stands and moves behind Buffy. She becomes uncomfortable again.
Now if slaying was a competitive sport, then I'd have a chance. You know, we could have figure staking and speed staking. I...
Nervous, she turns around and bumps Riley's injured side.
Sorry! This just isn't my game. I gotta...
She abruptly leaves.
Buffy pours cream into a massive cup of coffee.
It's all Faith's fault. She's like poison. No, worse. She's like acid that eats through everything. (switches to sugar) Maybe she's a bomb. The point is, everything was going along great with Riley and then she comes along and messes everything up.
Buffy hands the cup of coffee to Jonathan who is dressed in a very dapper suit with a matching lime green shirt and handkerchief.
Buffy, you know what I think? I don't think this is about you being angry with Faith. I think you're angry with Riley.
He's interrupted by a young girl who walks up with pen and paper in hand.
Hi! Could you please?
Jonathan accepts the pen and notepad from the girl, who can't stop grinning. He signs the autograph with a flourish.
Sure. (to Buffy) I mean you have this amazing connection with him...
He hands the notepad back to the girl.
Thank you.
...and then at the one moment when it matters the most, he looks into your eyes and he doesn't even see that it's not you looking back at him.
There's no way he could know. I mean you don't just look at someone and say "Hey that's not your body. Get out of that body with your hands up!"
I know you know that. But you have to believe it! Buffy, if there's any part of you that's blaming Riley for what happened, it seems like there's a part of you that needs to forgive him.
And now KAREN, another adoring fan runs up, gushing with excitement at being in Jonathan's presence.
You're Jonathan Levinson! Oh, my god! Oh, my god! My name is Karen and I think you're... you're wonderful! Oh, my god!
Karen holds a copy of Jonathan's book prominently sporting his picture on the back cover.
Hi, Karen. Thank you. Oh, is that my book? Well, I could...
He reaches for a pen.
Yes, please. I didn't want to bother you! It's Karen with a K!
Jonathan takes the book and signs it, then hands it back to Karen who examines it in awe.
Thank you... so much! Thanks!
She runs off, elated.
So what do you think, Buffy? I mean, if I'm wrong smack me. Karen with a K will lend you a book and it's pretty heavy.
Maybe I have been blaming him. But how do I get past it? What if it's too late? What if, after all this, he doesn't want me anymore?
He does. It's not going to be easy, Buffy, but you guys are very special together. That's worth a little hard work.
With that, he stands and heads out. After a moment, Buffy tosses some money on the table and follows.
But I'm not even sure if I know how to talk to him anymore. How do I make it okay again?
If you really want it, you can make anything happen.
COLONEL HAVILAND, a senior officer, addresses the Initiative's military contingent.
For those of you who don't already know, my name is Colonel George Haviland. I'm commanding officer here until such time as the facility review is completed. This review does not mean our primary mission has changed in any way. Recovery of the hostile known as Adam is our first and most important job. To this end, I've asked our tactical consultant here to address us today. Mr. Levinson?
Jonathan steps up to the front of the room, dressed in combat fatigues, and addresses the assembled soldiers.
Thank you, colonel.
GRAHAM MILLER turns to Riley, slightly awed by Jonathan's presence.
It's about time we brought out the big guns.
Jonathan unfolds a schematic of Adam's internal structure and spreads it across the conference table.
Men, before we can locate Adam, we need to understand him better and there's something that's bothered me almost from the start. He doesn't eat. We've known him to kill but never to eat the kill. So I've pulled some of Professor Walsh's original design schematics and I've found something: his power source is not biological at all. It's here. (points to center of chest) The design attempts to hide it but I believe that there's a small reservoir of uranium 235.
Sir, how long will it last?
Essentially forever. It also means that cutting off his head is useless. Killing Adam means annihilating him completely. But first we have to find him.
Karen skulks in the bushes with a pair of binoculars, trying to catch a glimpse of her idol through the windows.
Where are you Jonathan? Are you like never home?
Her view through the binoculars suddenly goes dark and she lowers them to find a snarling creature charging her from the underbrush. Light tan in color with arms that seem overly-long for its body. It has gleaming fangs and a strange mark on its forehead.
Terrified, Karen recoils in horror as the creature raises its arm to strike.
Karen screams as the monster knocks her down with one swipe of its huge arm. Karen slams the creature in the head with the binoculars, stunning it for a moment and gives her an opening for escape. She runs off with the monster in furious pursuit.
Jonathan and Riley talk in the now-empty briefing room.
She's ready to forget it. You'd better be ready, too.
I don't know, Jonathan. I mean, I don't know if she'll really ever forget it. Every time I try to touch her...
She's scared.
Scared of me?
Scared of what you're thinking about.
What do you mean?
She knows that Faith is... experienced.
Jonathan slips a magazine into his pistol and chambers a round.
What are you saying... experienced? God! Does she think that-- what?-- that I'd be comparing? She knows she's the one I care about.
Have you let her know that?
I think I... haven't I? She has to know.
People can't always see what's right in front of them.
Jonathan slips a blindfold on and aims the pistol toward three members of the Initiative who stand across the room with apples on top of their heads.
Xander, Riley and Buffy sit at a table while Willow and Anya stand nearby and listen to the band.
Did not.
Last night with me you said "Jonathan".
It was a moan!
Fine! You moaned "Jonathan"!
Uh-uh! It was like aaah-aaah.
Maybe it was ahh-onathan. Still not fluffing up the old ego.
Quite the couple, aren't they?
They get into a fistfight, I've got a fifty on Anya.
Wonder if they'll make it?
Buffy looks meaningfully at Riley as the song ends. The audience applauds as Jonathan, dressed in a white-jacketed tuxedo, approaches the microphone.
Good evening, everyone. I'd like to dedicate this to some friends of mine... a very special couple who've been going through a tough time.
When I hear that serenade in blue, I'm somewhere in another world alone with you. Sharing all the joys we used to know Many moons ago.
Riley stands and extends his hand to Buffy. She takes it and they move to the dance floor. They start to dance and Buffy rests her head on Riley's shoulder, holding him tight.
Once again, your face comes back to me, Just like the theme of some forgotten melody, In the album of my memory. Serenade in blue
Seems like only yesterday, A small café, a crowded floor, And as we danced the night away, I hear you say forever more
And then the song became a sigh, Forever more became goodbye, But you remain in my heart, Tell me darling, is there still a spot?
Anya and Xander are entranced by the music and Willow and Tara move closer together as Jonathan croons.
Buffy, I want you to know...
Do we have to have the talk? No talk, more dance.
I just want to say I'm sorry. That's it's only you that I want.
I know. I know all of that.
You do? (Buffy nods) Since when?
Since you put your arms around me.
The song ends to enthusiastic applause. Jonathan changes the mood as he picks up a trumpet and lets loose a hot jazz riff.
Oh, my god! He's going to do something off the new album.
Xander.
She stares raptly at Jonathan.
Yeah.
Let's go have sex now.
Xander also stares raptly at Jonathan.
Yeah, okay.
They head out, holding hands, neither taking their eyes from Jonathan until the last possible moment.
Karen rushes in, panicked, and Buffy takes her by the arm.
What is it? Are you okay?
Jonathan stops playing, cuts off the band, and jumps down off the stage.
Karen? That's your name, isn't it? I signed my book for you. Tell me what hurt you, Karen. I can help.
Jonathan leads Karen over to the fireplace.
Let's get you warmed up.
Buffy turns around and is startled to find a cop entering the room.
What's going on? Why are you here?
Mr. Levinson, someone on your staff reported a disturbance. When I realized it was on your property, I thought I'd better come down in person.
That's all right, sergeant. I have it under control.
Of course, sir. Glad to see you're all right.
The cop heads out and Jonathan turns his attention back to Karen.
Karen, I know you're scared but I need to hear your description again.
It was ugly-- big ugly-- all bent over sort of with these... huge arms and like... scabs and stuff.
That must have been very frightening. I'm so sorry.
Oh! Oh! I forgot. It had a mark!
A mark?
On it's forehead, like a symbol.
Riley hands her pen and a notepad and she draws the symbol: a triangle with a six- pointed star inside it. Jonathan takes the notepad and considers it silently. His confidence and warmth have evaporated.
Well. This is a clue.
Buffy senses something.
Jonathan?
I've heard of this. It's not a demon, just a monster... not much more than an animal. It sticks to the woods, doesn't come near populated areas.
But it did this time, it might again. (eager) Maybe we should patrol.
If you want me to mobilize the squad...
Actually, I think Karen simply startled it. Probably more afraid of you than you were of it. I'll patrol but you don't need to worry about it. I can handle it on my own. Now let's see about getting Karen a ride home.
For the first time, Buffy is suspicious of Jonathan.
Pan past a disemboweled corpse to ADAM and his vampire lackey, JAPE. Adam sits in front of a bank of closed-circuit monitors. Some show scenes from television broadcasts, others are connected to computers.
I wish you'd get rid of that body. The smell's making me hungry.
You wouldn't want it. It had a blood disease. It didn't know it but it would have been dead within the year. Humans sense so little of what they carry inside.
Oh, all right. Well, you're the Evil Messiah Guy, so... Oh, hey. There's something new in town. Yeah, attacked a girl, caused a little fuss. Oh, he was there.
Jape indicates the televised images of Jonathan.
Jonathan.
Jonathan. Tell me... who is he?
You're joking right? Jonathan is Jonathan. Look.
All five screens switch to scenes of Jonathan.
These are lies. None of this is real. The world has been changed. It's intriguing but it's wrong.
Feels okay to me.
You're under his spell just like the others. I seem to be the only one who is not.
Really? And what makes you so special?
I'm aware. I know every molecule of myself and everything around me. No one-- no human, no demon-- has ever been as awake and alive as I am. You are all just shadows.
Oh. So what do... what do you do now? (excited) Hey, you could kill Jonathan! Well, or you could try. The guy's like a dynamo of action.
I don't need to do anything. These magicks are unstable, corrosive. They will inevitably lead to chaos. And I am interested in chaos.
Jonathan pensively stares into the fire, strains of classical music float in the background.
INGA, a stunning blonde dressed only in lingerie, appears at the landing and looks down at him.
Jonathan, aren't you coming to bed?
Her twin sister, ILSA, appears beside her.
Yeah, it's getting late.
Be right there.
He removes his robe revealing the same triangle/six-pointed star combination that the creature had on its forehead. The symbol has been burned into Jonathan's back.
Buffy, Willow and Tara walk across campus.
I'm glad you're okay. Everyone in the Bronze was pretty freaked out after you left.
So I guess you have go fight this thing, huh?
All the weapons are at Giles'. It shouldn't take too long.
No go.
Did you just go 'no go'?
Jonathan did. He said it was some brainless beasty and that he would take care of it himself.
Oh, cool.
I guess. I don't know... he just... he seemed a little scared.
Buffy this is Jonathan. You know he doesn't get scared. You talked about it when you gave him the Class Protector Award at the prom.
You're right.
My exit. Willow, I'll see you tomorrow.
Willow touches Tara's arm briefly.
Okay.
Tara walks off.
So. Saw you and Riley, with the dancing.
It was a great dance.
Yeah?
For the first time it felt like Faith wasn't there. Like no one was there but us.
Tara walks down the darkened hallway. She hears a stealthy noise and picks up her pace.
The double doors in front of her crash open and the monster charges her. It backhands her and she falls to the floor, holding her hands up defensively, trying to defend herself against its vicious onslaught.
Tara slides across the floor, fleeing from the monster. It chases her and is gaining rapidly. She turns back toward the creature and chants desperately.
Sensus confundomator caligo absorbeat mentem obscuratum.
She extends her arms and smoke appears, blinding the monster. Taking advantage of its confusion, Tara gets up and runs into a janitor's closet. The lock clicks into place just as the monster slams into the door.
Buffy knocks and Willow lets her in. Buffy looks over at Tara lying on the bed, covered with scratches and abrasions. She's curled into a near-fetal position, shivering.
What's going on? Oh, my god...
She's going to be okay but she's terrified.
What happened? What did this?
Someone found her in the janitor's closet about an hour ago. I think she was there all night. She was all alone.
Tara, what did this?
Big, lumpy... had something on its head. Like a Greek letter only not.
Buffy takes out some paper and draws the same symbol Karen gave them earlier.
This, was it this?
Tara nods.
Buffy, Jonathan said we were all safe. (shocked, confused) Jonathan said it.
Buffy walks the streets and thinks. In the background we can see multiple ads for JONATHAN.COM on billboards and on the sides of buildings.
Anya sits on the couch as Buffy comes down the stairs.
Xander's not here.
Oh.
Buffy doesn't move. She just stands there looking at Anya expectantly.
You're not going away. Why aren't you going away?
Oh, I was kind of hoping to look at some of Xander's stuff.
Oh. (smiles) Sure. Come on in. Make yourself at home. And so on.
Anya picks up Jonathan's book and starts reading, ignoring Buffy.
Buffy looks around, noting a poster of Jonathan, a Jonathan comic and lots of Jonathan trading cards. Pictures of Jonathan adorn the walls. Buffy sits down next to Anya.
Oh... you're still here. (thin smile) That's nice.
May I ask you something? Does it ever seem just a little strange that Jonathan is so good at everything?
He's Jonathan.
She goes back to the book and Buffy snatches it from her.
Hey! I was just at the part where he invented the Internet.
Anya, he fights better than I do and I'm the Slayer. The Slayer! That's supposed to mean something, right?
Oh, buck up, you. You kill the best. Go, you. Kill, kill.
Actually not needing validation right now but thank you. He just seems too perfect. (beat) I don't know.
She looks down at the book which is titled Oh, Jonathan: An Autobiography.
So I can have my book back?
Anya, when you were a demon, you granted wishes right?
Vengeance wishes on ex-boyfriends. I'd wish he was a dog or ugly or in love with President McKinley or something.
But someone could wish the whole world to be different, right? That's possible?
Sure, alternate realities. You could have like a world without shrimp. Or with, you know, nothing but shrimp. You could even make like a freaky world where Jonathan's some kind of not- perfect mouth-breather if that's what's blowing up your skirt these days. Just don't ask me to live there. Now if I could just have my book back you could be on your way someplace else?
Buffy hands her the book.
Here.
Buffy presents her Jonathan theory to Riley, Giles, Xander, Anya and Willow.
I'm just saying it doesn't make any sense. He starred in The Matrix but he never left town. And how'd he graduate from med school? He's only eighteen years old.
Effective time management?
I'm sorry, Buffy, but I just don't understand what you're trying to say.
Yeah, and when is Jonathan going to get here and start the meeting?
This is the meeting.
This is the meeting?
Well, I was just kind of wondering if maybe anyone thought that Jonathan was kind of too perfect?
No he's not! He's just perfect enough! He crushed the bones of the Master, he blew up a big snake made out of Mayor and he coached the U.S. Women's Soccer Team to a stunning World Cup victory. We saw him doing those things!
But that's just it. I'm not entirely sure that we can trust our memories. Anya, tell them about the alternate universes.
Oh, okay. Umm. Say you really like shrimp a lot. Or we could say you don't like shrimp at all. "Blah, I wish there weren't any shrimp," you would say to yourself.
Stop! You're saying it wrong! I think that Jonathan may be doing something so that he's manipulating the world and we're all like his pawns.
Or prawns.
Buffy gives Anya a withering look.
Stop with the shrimp. I am trying to do something here!
Of course, but it may be a little out of your depth.
I'm not.
Sounds like nonsense. (beat) But I'm starting to know this girl pretty well and I think she sees things that the rest of us don't. I think, for once, we should follow her lead.
Buffy takes strength from Riley's support.
Okay. I think Jonathan might be ignoring evidence. I think he might have let Tara get hurt.
On purpose?
No! No.
How did he ignore evidence?
The monster had a mark on it. Jonathan saw it and he kind of... blinked.
He blinked? The man moistened his eyeballs and we're having a meeting about it?
He knows something about the monster. He was reacting to the mark. Oh! (jumps up) Wait, I remember something. Giles, do you have a Jonathan swimsuit calendar?
No.
Buffy stares at Giles knowingly.
Yes. It was a gift.
He retrieves the calendar and Buffy flips through it.
No. No. (stops on a swimsuit pose) Whoa! No. There.
Oh.
Yeah. Pretty darn lickable.
The other kind of oh. That's it. That's what Tara saw.
Why would Jonathan have the same mark as the monster?
I don't know. But he's definitely keeping--
Is this a private conversation or can Mr. July sit in?
They all look up to find Jonathan standing in the doorway.
Jonathan!
Hi. Buffy was just saying how you had a monster cut up Willow's friend and-- (off Buffy's look) What?
Buffy?
No! It's just... the mark. You said it was safe... and it wasn't. I'm sorry, I just don't understand.
Then I'll explain.
They all sit down and give Jonathan their undivided attention.
Buffy is right.
No!
I do have a history with the creature... the monster. The problem is, every time I face it, my mind becomes sort of confused. There's some kind of power it possesses.
Oh! He's like your Kryptonite.
Maybe. I just knows it takes all my energy to try and fight the confusion. That's why I had his mark tattooed on me, so that I wouldn't underestimate it next time.
Buffy's not buying it.
This does explain everything.
I knew you wouldn't do anything on purpose.
Willow is relieved and smiling.
Me, too! And that whole alternate universe thing was too freaky.
Jonathan, let's go after the monster. Right now, you and me.
I'm sure it's left town by now. That's been its pattern.
We can try.
Sure. Let's do that.
Bye, Jonathan.
Goodbye.
Buffy and Jonathan head out in search of the creature.
Buffy and Jonathan stride through the cemetery, an uneasy silence hangs between them. Spike suddenly steps out in front of them.
Oh, look. Jonathan. Taking the little sidekick out for a walk, are we?
Shut up, Spike.
Oh, oh, oh! Semi-harsh language from Betty! You're feisty when the big guy is standing beside you. Someday, sweet Slayer, I would love to take you on. See you face the evil alone for once.
Spike cups Buffy's chin in his hand, exposing her neck. As he starts to move his hand lower, Jonathan seizes Spike's wrist and shoves him back against a nearby crypt.
That's enough of the creepy small talk! We're looking for a monster.
Why would I know about that?
Every demon in this town's gunning for you right now so I figure you're probably keeping pretty good track of them. Big arms, mark on its head... have you seen it?
No. But then again I'm probably lying.
Jonathan releases Spike and turns to Buffy.
We're not getting anything out of him.
He walks away. Buffy hesitates for a moment, then lunges forward and shoves Spike back against the crypt again.
Hey, what are you doing?
Jonathan turns back, surprised as well.
You're not supposed to do that!
You're pretty much relying on butcher's blood these days, right, Spike?
What are you saying?
Just that the butchers in this town respect Jonathan. They do him a favor and you might find yourself getting kind of thirsty.
She lets Spike go and throws her hands up. Jonathan tilts his head and looks at Spike, in askance. The vampire realizes he's cornered. With a sigh, he relents.
Look, I don't know much, okay. Some vampires got kicked out of a cave in the hills behind Brookside park.
Buffy releases Spike and she and Jonathan walk off.
I don't know what did the kicking out but it's probably pretty big.
Jonathan waves dismissively at Spike as he and Buffy head for the hills.
That was very good. Very good.
Riley paces while the rest of the gang researches.
These spells... these really work? I mean, can you really 'turn your enemies inside out'? Or... learn to 'excrete gold coins'?
That one's not so much fun.
They work, Riley, but they take concentration. Being attuned with the forces of the universe.
Right you can't just go librum incendere and expect--
Xander's book bursts into flames and he slams it closed, extinguishing the fire.
Xander, don't speak Latin in front of the books.
Hey, I found the mark. It's part of an augmentation spell. (upset) Jonathan did an augmentation spell.
What did he have... you know?
Him! And how we see him. This spell turns the sorcerer into a sort of paragon, the best of everything, everyone's ideal. But there's a drawback.
A drawback?
That happens a lot.
Giles reads over Willow's shoulder.
Yes. "In order to balance the new force of good, the spell has to create the opposing force of evil, the worst of everything, everyone's nightmare."
He created the monster.
So you're saying he did a spell just to make us think he was cool?
Yes.
That is so cool!
Giles, Buffy and Jonathan are going after this nightmare thing. Are they going to be okay?
It seems that the well-being of this creature is linked to Jonathan. If it dies, the spell is broken and Jonathan reverts to... whatever he was before.
Jonathan isn't going to want Buffy to get very far.
Jonathan and Buffy stop at the precipice of a seemingly bottomless pit inside a large cavern, lit from within by a mysterious ambient light.
Wow! Fall down there and be dead for a while.
Yeah, don't want that to happen.
He considers Buffy for a moment, then takes Buffy by the wrist. She looks at him questioningly. He leads her away from the pit.
Come on. We've got a monster to--
The creature snarls and leaps from the shadows, striking Jonathan with an uppercut and sending him flying back over the pit. He falls unconscious as the monster roars and turns to Buffy.
The gang is still trying to come to terms with the idea that Jonathan isn't perfect.
Buffy was right. (tries again) Buffy was right.
It doesn't sound very likely, does it?
So if this is the world he created, what's the real world like?
I'm scared. Everything's going to change.
Well, actually it'll remain pretty much the same except Jonathan won't be Jonathan-- not our Jonathan, anyway.
No! No! No! World without sunshine! World without joy!
But wait, it only changes back if Buffy kills this thing. I mean, if she loses, then we could be stuck in this wrong world forever.
Things looking up! I mean, we're all happy here, right? You know, if she doesn't get killed?
Giles, can Buffy do it?
I honestly don't know. She's never stood alone against something like this before.
Jonathan comes around to the sounds of the monster's howling and blows being exchanged.
The monster seizes Buffy and throws her to the ground. Jonathan flips to his feet, breaks off a stalactite and hits the monster repeatedly in the head with it, driving it to its knees. Buffy staggers to her feet as Jonathan seizes the monster from behind.
Jonathan, what do I do?
I think you're going to have to handle this one solo.
What? But I--
You'll know. You used to. And the more you hurt it, the more I'll lose my--
He kicks the monster in the head.
What? Lose your...
Jonathan spins the monster toward Buffy and she sends it crashing to the ground. Jonathan shudders and takes cover behind a rock. Buffy delivers a rapid series of kicks to the monster. It tries to strike her and she easily blocks, throwing the creature to the ground again.
I remember this. This is good.
The creature rises up and pushes Buffy down it charges her but she blocks with a powerful kick. Jonathan tries to help but he's weakening. The battle rages on with the monster eventually knocking Buffy down, her head and arms dangling over the chasm. Before the monster can finish her off, Jonathan charges it and tackles it from behind. They both tumble into the pit.
Buffy reacts with preternatural speed and grabs Jonathan by the ankle before he disappears into the blackness.
A shimmering wave of phosphorescent light ripples over the town.
The billboard of Jonathan selling shoes changes to a newspaper ad.
A movie marquee advertising Being Jonathan Levinson changes to "Closed for Repairs".
A jonathan.com poster changes to a poster for Dingoes Ate My Baby.
Buffy, Riley, Xander, Willow, Anya and Tara sit under a tree, enjoying the day.
I can't believe we believed it
It seemed so real.
Well, in that world, it was real.
Alternate realities are neat.
You know what I'll always remember?
The swimsuit calendar's sticking in my mind. (off Buffy's look) Not in a good way.
I'll always remember the way he made me feel about me. Valued, respected, sort of tingly... now I'm just empty.
Poor Xander. I guess Jonathan hurt you most of all.
Tara raises her hand.
Except, of course, after Tara.
Did anyone else feel way too tall? I felt way too tall.
I liked his clothes. He had really cool clothes.
Still not understanding how he got the house and everything.
And who really did star in The Matrix?
Wait. That wasn't real either?
Buffy looks up and notices Jonathan watching them from a distance and walks over to him. He no longer is the picture of cool and collected. He's back to his mousy, rumpled self.
Hi. I wasn't sure you'd come over. Everyone's mostly forgetting but I think some people are kind of angry.
Yeah!
Nobody's even talking to me. And... the twins moved out.
Why did you do it anyway? No. I get why. How?
After the thing with the bell tower and the gun, I went to counseling. You know, other kids with problems, and one of them had this spell. He glossed right over the monster. Well, anyway, I just... I just wanted to apologize. Nobody was supposed to get hurt.
Jonathan, you get why everyone is angry though, right? It's not just the monster. People didn't like being the little actors in your sock puppet theater.
You weren't! You weren't socks! We were friends.
Jonathan, you can't keep trying to make everything work out with some big gesture all at once. Things are complicated. They take time and work.
Yeah, right.
He turns to leave but looks back at her.
Hey, Buffy. You remember I gave you some advice?
Watch out for southpaws?
No. About you and Riley. I mean, things are starting to blur but this cool thing I said... that I don't really remember... I think it's right. I think it's kind of the same thing you just said to me. (beat) About things taking work.
Yeah, I remember.
Good, because it's true. What you have is really complicated but it's worth it. I think that's what I said.
He smiles and walks away.
Buffy and Riley stop in mid-kiss.
I'm glad we talked this all out.
We haven't talked at all.
Oh. Well, whatever we're doing, we're doing it great.
She kisses him again.
Mmm... Jonathan.
Riley pulls back, shocked. She meets his look with a playful smile.