[Transcript of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" episode Real Me at buffyology.com.]
BUFFY has her eyes closed in quiet meditation.
There is nothing but you. You are the center. And within you, there is the core of your being... of what you are.
GILES walks in a circle around Buffy. She wears a tank-top and pants and leans over a short pedestal with both her hands resting on it.
Find it... breathe into it. Focus inward. Let the world fall away... fall away... fall away....
CU: Buffy's face. She opens her eyes and leans forward into a full handstand, balancing perfectly upside down on the pedestal.
Reveal exercise mats beneath the pedestal and a vault in the background. Giles walks circles around Buffy, staring at her intensely.
A large flat crystal with three smaller crystals standing on end atop it rests in front of Buffy.
Buffy removes one hand from the pedestal and extends her arm out parallel to the floor; she now balances on one hand only, her face peaceful and serene.
The crystals. A hand enters frame and places a fourth crystal on top of the original three. The added weight disrupts the formation and all the crystals collapse with a clunk.
Buffy's eyes pop open. She loses her concentration and crashes to the floor with a cry of pain. She lands on her back, glaring upward in frustration. Giles starts toward her in alarm but sees she's all right. He yanks off his glasses, angry.
Buffy's POV: looking up at the ceiling. DAWN's head moves into frame, looking down at her big sister, annoyed.
Can we go now?
Buffy's eyes narrow in anger.
Opening credit sequence.
Dawn sits on her bed among her stuffed animals, in pajamas, writing in her diary.
Nobody knows who I am. Not the real me. It's like nobody cares enough to find out. I mean, does anyone ever ask me what I want to do with my life? Or what my opinion is on stuff? Or what restaurant to order in from? No. Underline. Exclamation point.
She underlines the word and draws in the exclamation point. She ponders for a moment and then violently draws in a few more, stabbing at the paper with her pen.
Exclamation point, exclamation point. (beat) No one understands. No one has an older sister who's a Slayer.
Buffy opens the refrigerator and takes out a carton of milk.
People wouldn't be so crazy about her if they had to live in the same house with her every single day. Everybody cares what she thinks. Just 'cause she can do backflips and stuff.
Buffy sniffs the milk and puts it on the counter. In the background, JOYCE sips her coffee while Dawn takes out a box of cereal. Buffy picks up a banana from a bowl of fruit and turns away to get a bowl.
Like that's such a crucial job skill in the real world.
Joyce pours milk into her coffee cup and Dawn sits down and opens the cereal box.
Plus, Mom lets her get away with everything. "Your sister's saving the world."
Buffy returns with a bowl, which she places on the counter, moving the milk carton aside. She picks up the banana again and turns away, peeling it. Dawn takes Buffy's bowl and pours cereal into it.
I could so save the world if somebody handed me super powers...
Buffy returns with a knife, prepared to slice the banana into her bowl, but finds the bowl missing. She sees it in front of Dawn, full of cereal, and seethes.
...but I'd think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones, which Buffy doesn't even.
Dawn innocently returns with a spoon as Buffy turns away to get another bowl. Dawn empties the remainder of the milk into her cereal bowl and sits down to eat.
If this town wasn't so lame, everyone would completely know what she does. And then I bet they wouldn't even be that impressed because like killing things with wood? Oh, scary vampires! They die from a splinter.
Buffy returns with another bowl, reaches across Dawn for the cereal box, pours it into her bowl, then picks up the milk carton and finds it empty. Buffy glares menacingly at her nemesis. Dawn continues eating, pretending not to notice.
So Buffy, what are your plans today?
Oh, actually, Giles and I are going to go to the magick shop for supplies for my new and improved training sessions.
Oh, that's great.
Oh, yeah, I'm actually--
You can take Dawn shopping for back-to-school supplies.
Dawn drops her spoon and turns around, ready to argue but Buffy beats her to it.
What?
Mom, I thought you were taking me.
Well, honey, I've got the Gurion showing tonight and there's so much to do to get the gallery ready.
No, but, see, Mom--
Buffy and Dawn pursue Joyce into the living room.
That doesn't really work for me. We're just going to the magick shop. No school supplies there.
Yeah, Mom... I'm not going to Hogwarts. (off Buffy's sour look) Jeez, crack a book sometime.
Look, I'm sure Giles doesn't mind dropping you and your sister off at the mall afterwards.
Actually, he does mind. This is supposed to be quality Watcher/Slayer time. I told you, she completely ruined my training yesterday.
Did not!
Oh, you know you did too.
Buffy. I realize the importance of your new Slayer thing but I could really use your help.
A knock on front door. Joyce walks past the two girls who glare at each other as she opens the door for RILEY.
Morning, Mrs. Summers. You look great.
Oh, thank you, Riley.
With a firm look at Buffy, Joyce leaves the room. Smiling, Buffy sidles over to Riley.
Suck up.
What? It's a nice outfit.
Dawn pretends not to be watching them.
Mm-hmm.
Besides, "I'm here to violate your first born" never goes over with parents. Not sure why.
He leans over and softly kisses Buffy.
Riley, my sister's boyfriend, is so into her. They're always kissing... and groping. I bet they have sex!
Riley stops kissing Buffy and looks over at Dawn.
Hey, kid.
I'm not a kid.
Annoyed, Dawn stalks off as Buffy and Riley sit down.
Well, this is a surprise of the nicest kind.
Now it's my turn to be surprised. I thought we had plans today.
Plans? We planned plans?
Well, you said, "Come over tomorrow and we'll hang," and then I said, "Okay." Not the invasion of Normandy but still a plan.
Buffy nods in resignation.
Right.
We're not hangin' today, are we?
Giles is on his way to pick me up.
Oh... Slayer training.
Slayer shopping, actually, but equally as important.
I have no doubt. Okay, well... we'll hook up later.
Are you mad at me?
Oh, no. Not at all. I'm plotting your death but in a happy way.
Good.
Look, Buffy, I know what this means to you. I think it's great that you've got this new mission. I'll see you tonight.
He kisses her and stands up to go.
Bye. (calling to Dawn) See ya, kid!
I'm not a kid!
A bright red convertible BMW sails down the street. Giles is at the wheel, Buffy beside him, and Dawn in the back. Classical music plays on the radio.
Well, I sympathize with you, Buffy, I truly do. But I'm certain that Riley understands better than anyone else the importance of training. You can't allow personal concerns to distract you from--
Dawn reaches from the backseat and changes the radio station.
Dawn, will you stop fiddling with the radio and sit down?
Dawn sits back, exasperated.
I don't think Buffy's Watcher likes me too much.
Dawn is still writing in her diary.
I think it's 'cause he's just so... old. I'm not sure how old he is but I heard him use the word "newfangled" one time so he's gotta be pretty far gone.
Dawn fidgets in the backseat of the car while Buffy goes over their shopping list.
There's a lot of books on this list. Any of them come on tape? You know, read by George Clooney or someone cute like that?
You're entering a new realm here, Buffy. One for which I myself am not entirely prepared. Are you ready for this commitment?
I'm just kidding! Hey, this Betty's ready. Color me committed.
The car engine races as Giles tries to shift.
Blast!
You put it in neutral again, huh?
I'm just not used to this automatic transmission. I loathe this sitting here, not contributing. No, it's not working out.
Giles, are you breaking up with your car?
Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty!
Little two-door tramp.
Giles shoots her a withering look.
I don't know, I just... I was so at loose ends, I found myself searching for some way of feeling more--
Shallow?
Perhaps, as I am to act as your Watcher again, a modicum of respect might be in order.
Do I have to?
I'm serious, Buffy. There's going to be far less time for the sort of flighty, frivolous--
Hey, there's Willow and Tara!
Oh, they haven't seen my new car!
He pulls over as WILLOW and TARA leave the Espresso Pump.
Hey Giles, sharp wheels!
The rest of the car's nice, too.
Everyone gets out of the car as Giles basks in their admiration.
Handles like a dream.
Where are you guys heading?
Magick shop. I have some charms on back order.
Willow, hi.
Willow hugs Dawn warmly.
Hey, Dawnie! How's my favorite chess partner? Still leading with your knight?
Dawn shrugs in embarrassment.
Willow's the awesomest person.
Dawn lies on her bed in pajamas, writing in the diary, a huge smile on her face.
She's the only one I know who likes school as much as me.
Dawn smiles at Willow and Tara.
Even her friends are cool!
Tara smiles and gives Dawn a little wave.
Hey, Dawn.
Like Tara. She and Willow are both witches. They do spells and stuff, which is so much cooler than slaying. I told Mom one time I wished they'd teach me some of the things they do together. And then she got really quiet and made me go upstairs. (beat) Huh. I guess her generation isn't cool with witchcraft.
Dawn and Tara walk side-by-side with Giles ahead of them and Buffy and Willow in the lead.
So Giles and I worked out a whole schedule around school. A block of time every day just to focus on my new Slayer training.
That's a work ethic! Buffy, you're developing a work ethic.
Oh, no. Do they make an ointment for that?
People gotta respect a solid work ethic. Look at you: motivated Buffy, eager to soak up learning. Oh, you and I are going to have so much fun this semester.
Yeah, that reminds me. With the whole new training schedule, I kinda had to drop a class.
That's understandable. Your Slayer studies are way more important.
So I won't be taking drama with you.
Tara and Dawn peer in the windows of the magick shop.
What? You have to! You promised!
Well, I know but Giles said that it just was--
The hell with Giles!
Giles turns to her in surprise.
I can hear you, Willow.
Drama is just Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. You can blow off training Tuesday and Thursday afternoons, can't you?
What happened to "people gotta respect a work ethic"?
Other people, not me! There's a whole best friend loophole.
Shop's kinda dark. Maybe it's closed.
That's odd.
Giles opens the door and enters. It's dark and the furniture is overturned. Giles, Buffy and the others make their way inside.
Well, I think "odd" just got upped to "bad".
Hello? Anyone here?
Mr. Bogarty?
Everyone looks at Tara.
The owner. I come in here a lot.
Willow advances farther into the store.
Well, maybe this happened really late at night when nobody was...
She trips and falls to the floor.
Will?
I'm fine, I just tripped over...
She sits up to find the owner dead with a ragged hole torn in his neck.
Mr. Bogarty.
Dawn peers into the store.
What is it? Is he okay?
She tries to get a better look but Buffy pushes her back.
It's nothing you need to see, Dawn. Go wait outside.
Buffy hustles her toward the door.
I don't want to wait outside!
Dawn!
Ow, that hurt!
Buffy pushes her out the door onto the street.
You're hurting me. I'm telling.
Look, I don't have time for this. Just do as I say and wait.
Buffy heads back in, then turns back.
Here.
Buffy goes back inside. Dawn sighs and tries to peer between the blinds. Inside the shop, she can see Buffy, Tara and Willow standing over Giles as he kneels beside the body.
Whatcha doin'?
Dawn turns with a gasp to find an unshaven, drunken BUM approaching her.
What are you doing here? You can't loiter. There's no loitering.
He advances on Dawn and she backs up, scared.
That's why I'm a cat. Quiet. See, cat's in the cupboard but they find you there anyway and it hurts.
Dawn backs up against a van. She looks around, scared and trapped.
Please, make it stop. (angry) Shut up, shut up, they'll hear you!
Buff--
She shrieks as the bum puts his finger on her lips.
I know you. Curds and whey. I know what you are. (ominous) You... don't... belong... here.
Dawn shakes her head in terror.
Tara exits the magick shop and looks around for Dawn.
Dawn? Dawn?
She finds Dawn sitting on the ground, leaning against the building.
Dawn. You okay?
Is that guy dead in there?
Yeah.
She sits down next to Dawn.
They're going to be a little while longer, doing the detective thing. Best non-Scoobies like you and me stay out of the way.
Dawn nods and they sit silently for a few moments.
Do you want to thumb-wrestle?
Dawn nods again.
Okay.
They lock their hands together and begin the game.
Giles closes Mr. Bogarty's dead eyes.
Judging by the bite-fest, I'd say it was more than one vampire.
I make it four at least.
Looks like someone's put together a new fang club.
Willow goes over the store's books.
Well, I've cross-checked the inventory list and things are definitely missing. Mostly books. Including A Treatise on the Mythology and Methodology of the Vampire Slayer.
Buffy pulls out her list as Giles picks up the inventory book.
Oh, shoot! Was that the only copy?
Come on, Buffy, this could be very serious. Whoever's leading this pack of vampires appears to be interested in learning more about you. Perhaps searching for weaknesses or... good lord!
What?
Well, I had no idea the profit margins on a shop like this were so high.
Buffy and Willow exchange a confused look. The Watcher looks around, marveling.
Look at this! Low overhead, out-of-state orders, international... it's no wonder there's never any trouble attracting new owners. A place like this is a virtual--
Deathtrap?
What? Well, yes, there is that. But still... location, pedestrian traffic...
So what's the next step?
Buffy, you should begin looking for their lair straight away.
I'll get Riley to help me patrol.
Wait, aren't you forgetting something?
Impressive square footage...
He walks off as Buffy gives Willow a questioning look.
You're on Dawn duty.
Oh, doody! I gotta drop my sister back home. (eyes widening) My mother's gonna kill me.
I bet the death rate keeps the rent down. (beat) Oh, hello. Something's been taken from this case, look here.
He moves over to a case where the glass has been knocked out.
What'd they take?
Willow looks in the inventory book.
I should think an item of value or power, possibly even a--
A unicorn. Ten-inch ceramic unicorn imported from Thailand.
Was it valuable?
List price, $12.95.
Which begs the question, what kind of an unholy creature fancies cheap tasteless statuary?
HARMONY, wearing a tight black top and shiny gold pants, addresses four newly-sired vampires: BRAD, CYRUS, PEACHES and MORT. Mort is a huge, hulking brute.
Okay, hi. First of all, I want to thank everybody for a really successful raid on the magick shop last night. (applauds) Good job, minions!
They applaud along with her, uncertainly.
Yes, you deserve it. Secondly... somebody remembered to pick me up the sweetest little unicorn!
She holds up the ceramic unicorn and smiles at Brad. The other vampires stare at him, coldly.
What?
Brad... guess someone was feeling guilty for standing me up in the tenth grade.
I had to get her something. She sired me.
Sire-whipped.
Mort adds the unicorn to a large collection of other statuettes on a nearby table. They are all predictably unicorns.
Anyway, the books you guys brought me to help with the plan? Well, I've been skimming through the book jackets all morning and let me tell you, there's some pretty useful stuff in there so--
Cyrus raises his hand.
Yes, sorry, forgot your name.
Cyrus.
Cyrus, right. Peaches' friend. What's your question?
When are we going to do it?
Eww! That's rude. I barely know you. And you're a minion!
He means the plan! When are we going to do the plan?
Oh! The plan! Ah, well, first let me tell you I'm really psyched about it and I hope the rest of you guys--
When?
Tonight! We kill the Slayer... tonight.
She smiles in satisfaction and the other vampires grin and nod at each other in anticipation.
Dawn's back to writing in her diary and listening to her mother and Buffy argue in the next room.
Joyce gets dressed and puts on jewelry, preparing for her gallery reception.
So not only didn't you take your sister shopping for school supplies, you brought her to a murder scene?
No, I didn't bring her to it... it just sort of came upon us. It's not like she saw the body or anything.
Oh, well. That makes it all right then, doesn't it?
No, that is not what I meant.
I asked one favor of you, Buffy. To look after your sister. And now you want to unload her so you and Riley can go out.
To patrol. I'm working. It's not like I want to go to the sock hop.
I have to be at the pre-show reception in half an hour. Who's going to watch Dawn?
I don't need anyone to watch me!
BUFFY & JOYCE
Yes, you do!
Wait. So what you're saying is if I can get an acceptable babysitter here before you leave, I can go patrol?
Babysitter? I'm fourteen! I'm old enough to be a babysitter!
And who are you going to get on such short notice?
I can take care of myself!
Xander!
Xander?
Joyce and Buffy look up as Dawn appears in the doorway.
Okay!
The doorbell rings and Dawn bounds down the stairs to the front door, wearing a tight short dress and pausing to fix her hair along the way. She opens the door to find XANDER holding a pizza.
Dawn patrol.
Hey.
Check this out. They put cheese on round bread. It's going to be big.
Dawn moons over him as he enters and Joyce appears, shrugging into her jacket.
Xander is so much cuter than anyone. And smarter, too. He totally skipped college and got a job working construction. Which is so kind of... deep, you know? He builds things. And he's brave, too.
Dawn, in pajamas, with her diary.
Just last week he went undercover to stop that Dracula guy.
Back to scene.
Xander, thanks for doing this.
Total non-sweat.
Again, thanks for coming. Oh, here is my card. If you have any problems, you just call me on the cell phone.
Have fun. Not too much fun, though.
Joyce kisses her daughter goodbye.
Dawn, be good.
Oh, we will. We're just going to play with matches, run with scissors, take candy from some guy-- I don't know his name.
He winks at Dawn as Joyce smiles and leaves.
Xander treats everyone like an equal. He doesn't look down on people.
Suddenly, ANYA appears in the doorway bearing a stack of board games.
Hello there, little girl.
Dawn's happy expression fades to one of dismay.
Even when he should.
We are going to have fun, fun, fun. Look, I've got Monopoly, Clue and oh!-- the Game of Life. That sounds good!
Tara helps Willow unpack in her new dorm room.
Poor Dawn. She was pretty shaken up.
Well, sure. Bloody death and stuff. She'll be okay.
It's just... I think it's tough for her, not being able to... well, allowed to, you know, help.
Help?
Oh, you guys. The Slayer circle.
Well, Buffy doesn't really need... and I think Dawn's a little young.
I know, you're right. It's just hard. That outsider feeling.
Willow looks over at her.
Tara, you're not an outsider.
Well, yeah. I kinda am.
No, you're not.
Willow, it's okay. (holds up a painting) Where does this go?
Somebody making you feel uncomfortable? Is it Xander? It's Xander, isn't it?
No, Xander's a sweetie.
It's Giles! It's because he's British and doesn't understand about stuff.
It's no one. You guys all just have this really tight bond. It's hard to break into that. And I'm not even sure I want to.
Willow slips her arms around Tara from behind, resting her chin on Tara's shoulder.
I'm sure. You're completely one of the gang now. Everyone accepts that. (beat) You're one of the good guys.
Tara's smile disappears and she pulls away, disengaging herself from Willow's embrace.
Maybe I can talk to the rest of the group and we can do something, some kind of Scooby initiation. Oh! Maybe we could wear some kind of special ring that identifies us as members.
I don't think so. But maybe something like that would be nice for Dawn. I do worry about her sometimes.
You don't have to. She's got big sister Buffy happily looking out for her.
Buffy and Riley walk through the graveyard, on patrol.
So then my mom goes off on me about how I'm supposed to watch out for Dawn and make sure that she's shielded from something that might upset her.
Like dead shopkeepers.
She didn't see him! A foot, maybe. A dead foot-- which is bad, okay-- but hello! I see dead stuff all the time and you don't see Mom shielding me.
So you want your mother to give you space to be a Slayer and shield you from it at the same time?
Thank you, Logic Boy. Did I mention this is a rant? Sense really has no place in it.
I'm getting that. (sighs) What's the deal, Buffy? You seem really--
Buffy stops him and looks intently toward the bushes.
Oh... trash can. From a distance it looked kinda--
Tense.
No, I was going to say brown, squat, shadowy...
Uh-uh. Back to what I was saying before we were rudely attacked by nothing. You seem really tense.
Yeah, there's a new vampire gang in town.
I mean domestically tense. You're on Dawn's case a lot.
I guess. It's just... I don't know. It... I know it's always been this way. She's the baby. But for some reason lately, it's just really getting to me. She's always around.
Well, yeah. You're like her idol, Buffy.
Her idol? I don't think so. Unless you like to spill things on your idol's new leather pants and--
You know what I mean. You have super powers... and college... a studly-yet-sensitive boyfriend.
And a pesky life-or-death job that I can't quit or even take a break from.
She doesn't get the sacrifices. She's a kid.
And that's what bugs. She gets to be a kid and she acts like it's the biggest burden in the world. Sometimes I would like to just curl up in Mom's lap and not worry about the fate of the world. I'd like to be the one who's protected, who's waited on--
--hand and foot, getting her own way. Always the favorite.
Xander, Dawn and Anya are playing the Game of Life and chowing down on junk food. Dawn eats a bowl of ice cream.
You nut. Your mom loves you both equally. But if I'm wrong, I find money usually helps tip the scale. Slip Joyce a ten or a twenty once in a while. Then we'll see who's the favorite.
Dawn smiles.
He says I'm like a kid sister...
Here comes the judge!
...but sometimes when he looks at me, I feel like he sees me as I am... as a woman.
Xander gives Dawn a big goofy smile and Dawn smiles dreamily back at Xander with chocolate ice cream smeared all over her face. Anya suddenly slaps down her cards.
Oh, crap. Look at this! Now I'm burdened with a husband and several tiny pink children, more cash than I can reasonably manage...
That means you're winning.
Really?
Yes. Cash equals good.
Anya claps her hands in excitement and scoops up her plastic "children".
Oh! I'm so pleased. Can I trade in the children for more cash?
Dawn looks at Anya like she's a cockroach.
Suddenly, the window shatters, showering them with broken glass. They all duck behind the table and Dawn shrieks. Xander picks up a rock with a note tied around it. He unties the string, hands the rock to Anya and reads the note.
"Slayer, come out and die."
The "i" in "die" is dotted with a smiley-face.
I'm waiting for you, Buffy!
Xander goes over to the window and peers out. Harmony waits there, surrounded by her four armed minions.
I know you're in there!
Xander stands in the doorway, holding it open, smiling at Harmony. Anya and Dawn stand behind him.
What do you mean, she's not in there? She has to be. I'm calling her out!
Then I bet she'll be real sorry she missed your call. 'Fraid you and your buddies are going to have to come back and be killed by Buffy later.
They're not my buddies. They're my minions.
They're... what now?
Minions! You know, lackeys? They work for me.
Xander bursts out laughing.
What's so funny?
Nothing! What could be funny... just "Look out, it's a terrifying Harmony gang, oh!"
Stop laughing!
She tries to attack him but she can't cross the threshold of the Summers house without an invitation.
I just can't picture anyone pathetic enough to be following-- is that Brad Konig? Huh! Hey Brad, who'd have thought when you were beating up kids in gym class, you'd end up Harmony's lapdog?
Screw you, Harris.
You should know all about being somebody's lapdog. I hear you were a good little puppy for Dracula.
Xander's bravado fades.
You heard wrong.
Don't feel bad. I hear that mind-control thing he does works really well on weak fraidy-cat losers. You didn't stand a chance.
Shut up!
Dawn, I'm handling this. Shut up, Harmony!
Make me.
'Fraid I don't feel like getting into another hair-pulling contest with you.
You're the hair-puller, you big girl!
Oh yeah? Come inside and say that! Xander will kick your--
Dawn, no!
Xander eyes go wide in shock as Harmony transforms into a full vampire and lunges at Xander, shoving him to the floor as Dawn shrieks in terror.
Resume. Harmony holds Xander down as he struggles weakly. Dawn shrieks and runs up the stairs as Harmony's minions rush to the door. The four vampires are stopped dead by the mystic force surrounding the house. Only Harmony has been invited inside.
The invitation was for one.
While the minions snarl in frustration, Anya bolts out of the room.
Not such a pushover any more, am I?
She punches Xander in the face several times.
A Slayer's house should have more weapons lying around.
Anya eventually settles on a lamp. Harmony lowers her fangs to Xander's neck.
I've been working out, learning some new tricks, honing my--
Anya lifts the lamp over Harmony's head but is sent reeling by one powerful blow from the female vampire.
--instincts.
Xander kicks Harmony in the abdomen and she flips backward out the front door, crashing into her minions. They tumble down the porch stairs as Xander and Anya secure the front door.
This isn't over, Xander! I'll be back!
And we'll be ready for you! Stakes... crosses... the whole enchilada. (to Anya) Buffy is not going to be happy about this.
Buffy laughs hysterically.
Harmony... (laughing) Harmony has minions?
Riley laughs with Buffy but Anya and Xander aren't amused.
Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just... Harmony has minions!
She breaks up again.
And Ruffles have ridges. Buffy, there's actually a more serious side to all this.
I sure hope so, because I'm having trouble breathing. What is it?
Well, she did come here to kill you.
Buffy bursts out laughing again. Riley also snickers.
Buffy, come on. They have killed once that we know of. She could be a threat to you.
Buffy only laughs harder.
Especially now that she can enter your house any time she wants.
Buffy stops laughing for real this time.
What?
Yeah, actually, she-- Harmony-- kind of happened to sort of get an invite.
You guys can't invite her in. I mean, only someone who lives here can...
Xander nods and Buffy seethes with anger.
Where is she?
In her room. Look, I think she's still pretty freaked out.
Dawn!
Buffy starts after her sister but Xander stops her.
Buff, it was an accident. She didn't mean it.
Oh, well that just makes it okay then, doesn't it?
No, but believe me, nobody feels worse than her right now.
Harmony and her minions make their way through the graveyard.
What a total disaster. My first plan! I so wanted it to go well. Plus, I didn't even get to kill stupid Xander Harris! God, that was so embarrassing.
We'll go back later.
No! It's no good. Buffy's going to expect us now. The whole surprise is blown.
Who're you growling at?
Not me, my stomach. If I don't eat somebody soon, I'll get dizzy.
Let's go back to the lair. That census taker may not be empty yet.
Not me. The night is young and I want some action.
A hand taps Brad on the shoulder and when he turns, he's flattened by a powerful blow to the face. He goes down as the other minions turn to face the new threat: SPIKE.
Happy to oblige. Here I thought it was going to be a slow night. Step on up, kiddies. Thrashings for all.
The minions start forward, eager to accept the challenge.
Stop!
She emerges from behind Mort, surprising Spike.
Well. Hello, Harm.
Spikey. I mean, Spike.
Long time. You look good.
I feel good.
I remember.
How've you been?
Not bad. Just got a brand-new telly in my crypt so--
Why are you talking to him?
It's okay, we used to go steady. Spike, Mort. Mort, this is--
I know who he is. He kills our kind.
Oh, yeah! (to Spike) What's up with that?
Bloke's gotta have a hobby, don't he? Piss off, Mort.
Mort growls and steps forward but Harmony stops him.
Mort, just give us a couple minutes, 'kay? (to Spike) He's really testy. Some of us were thinking of voting him out of the gang.
She and Spike step aside, out of the minions' earshot.
Gang?
Oh, yeah. I've got my own gang now.
Is that what those circus freaks are?
Uh-huh. I mean... shut up! We're going to kill the Slayer.
Singing my song now, are you? You should pay me royalties for that one or at least get your own tune.
I'm not going to make the same mistakes you did. I've been doing my homework, reading books and stuff.
What? Evil for Dummies? Look at you, all puffed up and mighty, thinking you're the new Big Bad. It's... well, let's face it, it's adorable.
You just can't stand the fact that I'm my own person now. There comes a time in every woman's life when she realizes she needs to take the next step. I've taken it. I've found the real me... and I like her.
Hope you'll be very happy together. In the meantime, save Slayer slaying for the professionals.
You'll see. Buffy'll be dead by sunrise. I've got a plan.
Let me guess. Snatch one of her friends, use 'em as bait, lead her into a trap. That sort of thing?
No! Much, much better one. (off Spike's look) I'm not going to tell you!
Thought as much. Best of luck. Let me know how this arch- villain thing works out for you.
He backs away and heads off across the cemetery. Harmony shouts after him.
I'll do that. And after Buffy is gone? I'm going to kill everybody in this town that was ever mean to me... Spike!
Spike waves a hand over his shoulder as he walks off. Harmony sighs, then turns back to her minions.
Guys! New plan.
Buffy arranges an array of stakes and crosses on her bed as Riley looks on.
That's a lot of weapons for somebody you weren't sweating twenty minutes ago.
Well, that was before Dawn gave Harmony a backstage pass to kill us all in our sleep.
Buff, I left word with Willow. She'll come do a return engagement of her un-invitation spell. She probably still has the stuff from last week. And bang, boom, you're back in the Fortress of Solitude. All better.
No. Not all better. I mean, it's not like Dawn hasn't grown up in this house knowing all the rules.
Dawn eavesdrops on Buffy's conversation, worried.
Especially the biggie! Numero one-oh: "Do not invite bloodsucking dead people into our house."
I mean, please. I would never have Harmony over even when she was alive.
People slip, Buffy. Your mom did. She invited in the Mast-- Dracula-- in for coffee.
Buffy realizes Xander has a point but is unwilling to concede it.
Well, that was different. I mean, she... he would... she was lonely and she didn't know he was a vampire. The vampire. Meanwhile, Dawn knew exactly what Harmony was and she rolled out the welcome mat for her.
She's just a kid.
Dawn rolls her eyes in frustration.
You know, will everybody please stop saying that? I was just a kid when I met my first vampire but somehow I still managed to remember the rules.
You had to. It was your job.
No. No, it was common sense. But nobody expects even that much from Dawn, do they? No, she has to be protected and coddled from the big bad world. Well, you know what? We are doing nothing but turning her into a little idiot who is going to get us all killed.
Dawn is crushed and walks off, tears in her eyes.
Xander and Riley are uncomfortable with Buffy's coldness toward her sister but don't argue with her.
She just has to be more careful. Now I can't be there to protect her twenty-four hours a day. I just can't.
Dawn runs through the kitchen, past Anya who looks up just as Dawn bolts out the back door.
Hey! Don't! Dawn!
Dawn stops just past the porch and buries her hands in her face, sobbing. Anya grabs her shoulder, startling her.
What do you think you're doing?
Leave me alone.
I will after you come back inside the house.
She pulls Dawn toward the door.
Let go of me!
No, it's not safe out here!
Suddenly, Mort steps from the bushes, fangs gleaming. Dawn shrieks in terror as the mammoth vampire approaches her, leering.
You got that right.
Mort knocks Anya back inside the house with one powerful blow and she lands on the kitchen floor, unconscious. He seizes Dawn and passes her to the other minions, who herd her away yelling in protest. Mort looks at Anya hungrily but knows he can't get to her inside the house. After a moment, he follows the others into the night.
Xander, Riley and Buffy rush down the stairs to find Anya on the kitchen floor, semi-conscious.
Anya!
Xander and Riley kneel beside Anya as Buffy looks out the open back door.
Oh, vampires took...
This head wound looks bad. We gotta get her to the hospital.
Buffy dials 911.
They took her...
Shh, shh.
Dawn.
Dawn? What about Dawn?
She ran out... they took her... vampires...
Oh, god. Oh, god. (to Riley) Take care of Anya.
She hands him the phone and dashes out.
Buffy!
The minions are impatient.
All right, once again. Nice work, minionators. I'm really, really proud of you guys. (to Mort) Ah, Mort. I trust you made our guest... comfortable?
You told me to chain her to a wall.
Yeah, I know. I'm being, you know, sarcastic or whatever? Anyway... I'm feeling really good about this new plan, people. I think it's a winner.
When do we eat the girl?
We don't. Not yet.
Why not?
Because! That's not the plan! (sighs) Do I have to go over the plan again? We use the sister as bait. We send Buffy a note--
More notes?
We send Buffy a note telling her that if she wants to see her sister again, she has to come alone to a place we choose. She comes, we jump her, we kill her.
Peaches nods, happy.
So it doesn't really matter if we're actually holding the Slayer's sister, just as long as she thinks we are. She'll walk into the trap.
I guess.
So it won't make any difference if we eat the girl now.
We're not eating the girl.
Why not?
Because! That's not the plan.
Spike bangs on his TV and fiddles with the knobs and antenna, trying in vain for better reception.
Bollocks. Gonna have to pinch one of those satellite dishes.
He looks up as the door slams open and Buffy strides in.
Well, speaking of dishes, to what do I owe this unpleasant--
Buffy cracks him across the face.
Ow! Bloody hell!
Buffy takes him by he shirt and slams him against the wall.
I don't have time for banter, Spike. Where's Harmony's lair?
Haven't seen her in months. How should I know?
Buffy hits him in the face again.
Ow!
Where is she?
At least lay off the nose. (Buffy cocks her fist) Okay! Okay! I used to have a cave in the north woods. About forty meters past the overpass construction site.
Buffy punches him in the nose again, then heads out.
Ow!! I was telling you the truth!
I know.
Spike rubs his nose glaring hatefully after her.
Harmony talks with Dawn who is shackled to the cave wall.
They don't respect me. They pretend they do but deep down they think I'm nothing. I mean, I'm the one who put this group together. Me! But they treat me like I don't even matter. Do you have any idea what that feels like?
A little.
They have no idea how much pressure I'm under. I have to make all the hard decisions. And it's hard!
Dawn gasps as Mort leads the other minions in.
Excuse me, I didn't hear anybody knock.
We've been talking it over and we decided we don't like this plan.
Except for Brad. He abstained.
Oh, really? You have a plan you like better?
We're going to feed on the girl and kill you. (beat) Maybe not in that order.
I don't think I like your attitude, Mort. (to the others) Kill him for me.
The minions make no move and Mort smirks.
All right. You're all on my list. This isn't fair. Okay, so things haven't been perfect. I just need a little more time to grow into my leadership role.
Time's up.
Mort seizes Harmony by the throat as Cyrus hungrily approaches Dawn.
Touch me and my sister's going to kill you.
Cyrus smirks, then pokes her in the shoulder and laughs. His eyes go wide with shock as a stake suddenly erupts from his chest and he crumbles to dust. Mort drops Harmony and whips around to find Buffy, ready for battle.
Can't say she didn't warn him.
And you didn't like the plan.
Dawn, close your eyes.
Dawn hesitates, then does as Buffy says.
So Slayer... at last we meet.
We've met, Harmony, you halfwit.
I'm the halfwit? Excuse me, but look who's fallen into my--
Peaches charges Buffy with an axe. Buffy ducks the swing and stakes her. As she crumbles to dust, Buffy grabs the axe, lopping Brad's head from his shoulders.
--trap.
Harmony, when you tried to be head cheerleader, you were bad. When you tried to chair the Homecoming Committee, you were really bad. But when you try to be bad... you suck.
Mort circles Buffy from behind. Dawn opens her eyes long enough to shout a warning to her sister.
Buffy, watch out!
Buffy spins and swings the axe but Mort knocks it out of her hands and sends her sprawling.
Oh, good shot, Mort. I think you got her on the--
Mort glares at her and Harmony laughs nervously, then turns and runs away.
Mort and Buffy fight furiously. Mort is new and inexperienced but his sheer size makes him quite a challenge for Buffy. However, she holds her own and snatches up one Harmony's unicorn statues and rams the wooden horn through Mort's chest. As Mort disintegrates, she frowns at the cheesy figure and drops it to the ground.
Buffy strides toward Dawn, picking up the axe along the way. She reads Dawn the riot act while she cuts through her chains.
You are going to be in so much trouble when we get home.
Yeah, well... I'm telling Mom you slayed in front of me.
Fine. I'll just tell her that you ran out of the house in the middle of the night, that you got Anya hurt, invited a vampire in, got kidnapped...
Buffy and Dawn sneak in the back door. As Buffy closes it, Joyce comes in the front door.
Sorry it ran so late. Everything, go okay?
Buffy looks over at Dawn, considering.
Yeah. Yeah, you know... I got the vamps and we watched some TV.
Well, I know at least one of us who's supposed to be in bed by now.
Dawn obediently kisses Joyce on the cheek and exits.
Night.
So how was the exhibit?
Oh, it was fantastic.
Dawn looks back gratefully at Buffy as she climbs the stairs.
Buffy probably would've gotten in way more trouble than me anyway.
Dawn sits at a reading table, writing in her diary. The shop is cleaned up and looks much better than before.
But I guess it was pretty okay of her not to say anything to mom. Anya's going to be okay and Xander wasn't mad at me. So stuff mostly worked out.
Buffy leans against the counter, talking to Giles.
Giles, are you sure about this?
Why wouldn't I be?
Well, aside from the fact that most magick shop owners in Sunnydale have the life expectancy of a Spinal Tap drummer... and have you ever run a store before?
I was a librarian for years. This is exactly the same except people pay for the things they don't return. It'll give me focus, increase my resources. And it'll prevent you lot from trampling all over my flat at all hours. There may even be some space for you to train in the back.
Boy, you've really thought this through. How bored were you last year?
I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it.
Buffy laughs and follows him out. A moment later, she reappears in the doorway and calls to Dawn.
Don't. Break. Anything.
Dawn gives her a withering look. Buffy goes out, then comes back in again.
Just don't touch anything.
She leaves again.
Not that Buffy's really changed at all. Like she ever would.
Buffy reappears in the doorway.
What you're doing right now... not moving? Good. Keep doing that.
Buffy leaves for good this time.
She still thinks I'm Little Miss Nobody, just her dumb little sister. Boy, is she in for a surprise.