[Transcript of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" episode The Replacement at buffyology.com.]
BUFFY, RILEY, XANDER and ANYA watch a kung-fu movie on TV, the guys on the sofa and the girls on the floor in front of them. Buffy has a book in her lap, studying, and Anya's right arm is in a sling.
Wish I had something food-like to offer you guys but the hot plate's out of commission.
We think the cat peed on it.
I do have Spaghetti-O's. Set 'em on top of the dryer and you're a fluff cycle away from lukewarm goodness.
Hmm. Yeah, I had dryer food for lunch.
Upstairs, a door slams.
Ah, I guess the folks are back.
Xander's parents begin yelling at each other upstairs, clearly audible. Xander, Anya and Riley are uncomfortable but Buffy is oblivious.
No, no, I was wrong. Just incompetent burglars.
Another door slams and plaster dust from the ceiling drifts down onto Anya.
Yeah, maybe it's definitely time to start looking for a new place. Something a little nicer. Buffy, you've been to Hell. They have one-bedrooms, right?
Riley laughs then notices Buffy isn't paying attention.
Hey, Buffy... how's that book? Full of zippy dates and zesty names?
I'm fine.
Riley leans forward, reaches his over Buffy's shoulders and places his palms on the book pages.
Heyyy... I'm enjoying the studying.
Who are you lately? Give it up and watch the movie.
I guess it has been a long day with the Crusades. I can take a little break from the violence for some... (re: TV) Oh! Fighting.
Incompetently-dubbed kung fu. Our most valuable Chinese import.
Much more durable than their hot plates.
Riley leans forward and rubs Buffy's shoulders.
Just relax.
Mmm. That feels good.
Xander looks at them, cracks his knuckles and puts his hands on Anya's shoulders. She jerks away in pain.
Ow! What are you doing? I have a dislocated shoulder! I'm trying to concentrate on the kicking movie.
Hey! Rubbing went away.
Riley starts massaging again.
Oh... sorry, I got caught up in the action.
Yeah, it's pretty good. (re: TV) Oh, give me a break! This is all wrong. See, first you would get the big guy with a flying kick. Then you would take out all the little ones-- bam, bam-- see, now with the flying kick. (scornful) From a dead stop! What's powering it? Raw enthusiasm?
Hey Buff, maybe you oughta leave the work behind sometimes. You're not always on Slayer duty, you know?
It would drive you crazy if we were watching an army movie and they were all saluting backward and... invading all willy-nilly.
More shouting and banging from upstairs. Riley coughs, nervously.
And anyway, I mean, you know, you can't blame me for being critical. Willow's the same way when we watch a movie about witches, right Xander?
What? Oh yeah, she's all like, "What's that? A cauldron? Who uses a cauldron any more?"
Dark, filled with smoke. The demon TOTH tends to a huge cauldron full of bubbling yellow liquid. He pulls back the hood of his cloak to reveal thick brown skin riddled with glowing yellow furrows. His eyes are sunken and red and his voice is very deep.
The last step in thy forging is my pain... the price with which I purchase... the death of the Slayer.
He plunges a short rod into the cauldron, along with his hand and forearm. He screams in pain.
Opening credit sequence.
A modern apartment building surrounded by neatly landscaped shrubbery. A "For Rent" sign is stuck in the lawn.
Willow, Anya, Xander, Buffy and Riley walk down the hall. Willow is clearly excited by the house-hunting trip.
If you get the apartment, this'll be your hallway! We'll walk down this hall and we'll say, "La la, I'm on my way to Xander's."
Just warning you, Xander, I probably won't be doing that.
Really? I will.
Hey, we're just looking. Rent's way high so don't get your hopes all carbonated.
But you have references.
No, I have Albert, which is me doing an important voice. (lowers voice) 'Xander Harris? An excellent tenant. And a very nice- looking fellow.'
They stop in front of one of the units and Anya opens the door. The group enters the apartment.
It's large and spacious and so completely the opposite of Xander's basement.
Whoa! Big!
It's nice. And not subterranean. It's very... above-terranean.
Xander looks less than thrilled.
I want it. Pay anything.
Xander Harris?
The BUILDING MANAGER, a petite blonde woman, enters smiling brightly. She extends her hand to Riley.
No, Riley Finn. This is Xander.
Xander wipes his hand on his shirt before holding it out.
Hey.
He and the manager shake hands.
I brought my friends.
I see.
They wouldn't always be around.
But we're clean and quiet.
Xander is nervous and the manager picks up on it.
We can have the Scooby meetings in the living room and Giles can explain the boring things over there.
Oh, there's a microwave! It would be like having hot and cold running popcorn.
Phone and electricity are hooked up. There's a private balcony, ceiling fan, closet space... and that's the bedroom.
Xander opens the door and finds Buffy and Riley sitting on the bed, kissing.
Guys, you can't save it for the bedroom?
Buffy and Riley look around pointedly.
Okay, good point.
I brought an application for you to fill out.
She hands Xander a long and detailed form.
An application? I can't just... tell you my references? Because there's Albert.
We run your credit check based on the application.
Oh! Credit check. (nervous, to the others) Little check on the credit. See how credible my checks are.
And we'll be asking for first, last, security and a small cleaning deposit. The total's at the bottom of the sheet there.
Xander looks at the sheet and goes pale. Anya glances briefly at it.
He'll take it. (to Xander) Xander, go get the furniture. I'll wait here. (to Manager) He's been living in his drunken parents' basement where something urinated on the hot plate.
Xander laughs nervously.
Anya, can we talk quietly over there? (to manager) Excuse us.
He pulls Anya aside, leaving the other three with the manager. They smile nervously at her.
We... we like the ceiling fan.
Yes. It's very, you know, kind of Old South.
But without the unpleasant slavery associations.
But why can't we have it?
I told you. My construction job is ending and I won't have any more money coming in. And by the way, you do have your own place.
So when I want to visit you, I have to be in that awful basement?
Not forever. Just until things come together.
Which is when, Xander? 'Cause right now, things are looking pretty un-together and you can't expect me just to wait around for--
Quiet, please. Anya, what is this? What's going on with you?
What's going on with me is my arm hurts... and I'm tired... and I don't really feel like taking a tour of beautiful things I can't have.
She stalks out, leaving Xander the center of much unwanted attention.
I guess I'll just start on that application. I think you'll like it. I've been told I have lovely penmanship.
The manager watches skeptically as he fills out the form.
GILES is surrounded by boxes, unpacking.
"Miscellaneous curses." (laughs) Brilliant. Be lucky if I don't curse my hands off at the wrist.
He picks up the box of curses, turns, and runs right into Toth. The demon raises his staff.
Oh!
The Slayer is not here.
Giles reflexively grabs something out of the box of charms and holds it out at Toth, warding him off. He looks down with dismay at his talisman of choice.
Rabbit's foot, no, wait...
Giles tosses it aside as Toth knocks the box out of his hands. Panicked, Giles picks up a nearby wooden statue and wields it like a club.
That is a fertility god. Feeble man, you are not going to distract me--
Giles hits Toth in the head with the statue, sending him reeling backward. Giles cracks the demon with the statue a few more times before Toth shoves Giles into a pile of boxes. He levels his staff at Giles.
You are not the Slayer. You do not concern me.
With that, Toth turns and stalks out, his black cape billowing behind him. Giles watches, stunned, then lets his head drop back onto the floor with a groan.
Later. Giles recounts his encounter with Toth to Buffy, Willow, Xander and Riley. He's got the statue in hand again, reenacting the fight.
Like this... and this... and this...
He moves through the magick shop, swinging the statue as he goes. The girls sit on the floor with books, trying to identify Giles' demon.
That thing's pretty heavy.
That's Oofdar, Goddess of Childbirth. She's got some nice heft to her.
How badly did you hurt him?
Well, hurt... maybe not... hurt.
Well, I'm sure he was startled.
Yes, yes. I'd imagine it gave him rather a turn.
He ran away, huh?
Sort of more... turned and swept out majestically, I suppose. He said I didn't concern him.
So a mythic triumph over a completely indifferent foe?
Well, I'm not dead or unconscious so I say bravo for me.
Willow holds up a large, thick book.
Some good demons in this one. See if your guy's in here.
Giles takes it and sits down.
So you bought the magick shop and you were attacked before it opened. Who's up for a swingin' chorus of the "We told you so" symphony?
Owning this place does seem kinda dangerous.
Toth.
What?
He called you a toth. It's a British expression. It means like moron.
No, Toth is the name of the demon. (to Xander) Be careful with that. Ancient demon. Very strong. Last survivor of the Tothric clan. It also says that for a demon he's unusually sophisticated.
Sophisticated... so I should discuss men's fashions with him before I chop his head off?
They're referring to the fact that he does not fight bare-handed. He uses tools, devices. Oh, he's also supposed to be very focused and since he mentioned the Slayer, I think we know what the focus is.
He mentioned Buffy? Where do we find him and how hard can I kill him?
Well, there's no mention of the types of places he might frequent but... I have an idea. He had a very specific olfactory presence.
Well, I guess we're off to the olfactory. I hate that place. (off their looks) I'm joking, I know what it means. He smelled. (uncertain) Right?
Some demon rituals involve anointing with oils. Was it sort of sandalwoody?
Not even remotely. But he was very... distinctive.
Giles, Xander, Buffy, Riley and Willow creep cautiously between mountainous piles of trash. Buffy carries a large axe, held at the ready.
The city dump. Where smells go to relax and be themselves.
People say they're recycling. They're not recycling.
I found a spell so you can't smell anything but it does it by taking your nose off so... no.
They react to the sound of someone rooting around in the trash. Someone they know.
What are you doing here, Spike?
SPIKE straightens up, holding a mannequin arm.
Oh, there's a nice lady vampire who set up a charming tea room over the next pile of crap. What do you think I'm doing? I'm scavenging, ain't I?
He holds up a small lamp.
Very pretty.
Spike, we're looking for a demon... tall, robed, skin sort of hanging off. Deep voice?
You mean a great tall robey thing like that one?
He points behind them and they all spin around to find Toth looming over them. He points the staff at them and fire leaps out of it. They all dive for cover.
Take cover!
Big guy! Kick her ass!
Toth fires again but the shot goes wild and shatters Spike's lamp.
Oh, very nice! I was on your side!
He angrily tosses the lamp pieces aside as Toth fires again, point blank at Buffy.
Watch out!
Xander shoves Buffy aside at the last instant. The blast hits him full in the chest and he shoots backward to land in a pile of trash. Toth retreats as the gang runs to Xander's aid.
Hey, you okay?
I'm okay.
Buffy, he's gone.
I'm fine.
Easy, easy.
Riley and Giles help Xander up. He groans.
He disappeared. (to Xander) That had to hurt.
Yeah, yeah.
Take it slowly.
The group heads out with Xander, leaving the junkyard empty and quiet once again. Pan slowly across the piles of trash to reveal Xander, lying unconscious among the refuse.
Pan across mounds of trash to where Xander #1 lies unconscious. He yawns and begins to come to. Eyes still closed, he makes a disgusted face.
Anya... you trying to use the hot plate again?
Slowly he opens his eyes and looks around. Flies buzz somnolently in the morning air.
Uh-oh.
He gets up and staggers off toward home.
Xander #1 walks around the corner of his parents' house, looking confused and disheveled. He heads down the outer stairs to the basement door but finds it locked. He knocks.
Anya? An?
Frustrated, he kicks the door, hurting his foot, and hops around in pain. He limps up the stairs and goes to the nearest window at ground-level. He lies on the ground, wipes dirt off the window, and peers in.
Xander sees himself dressed in khaki pants but no shirt, combing his hair in front of the mirror.
Oh, my god! What? No way! Who is... me?
Xander #2 puts on a blue button-down shirt.
What am I doing in there? Buffy. Need Buffy.
He gets up, trips over his own feet and falls over.
Xander #1 stands at a pay phone with the receiver tucked under his ear as he digs in his pockets.
No, it ate my quarter. Uh-huh. But see, I'm sort of having this aggressively bad day. Oh! I found a quarter! I found a quarter! Well, ma'am, for me it is worth getting excited about.
He hangs up, puts the quarter in and dials.
Come on, Buffy.
He turns and sees Xander #2 walking confidently toward him. Xander #1 quickly turns away and hides his face with one hand, then watches as Xander #2 passes him.
Hello?
Xander #1 considers for a moment, then hangs up and goes after Xander #2.
Buffy holds the phone to her ear.
They hung up.
She hangs up and picks up an axe. Buffy puts it in a bag with her other weapons, then sits beside Riley.
Well, if this guy wants to fight with weapons, I've got it covered from A to Z. From axe to... zee other axe. (Riley looks tense) Relax. Another day, another demon.
Right. It'll be good.
Hey.
She leans down to kiss him but they are interrupted by choking and gagging sounds. DAWN stands in the doorway, pretending to hurl. Buffy and Riley stop kissing and turn to her, annoyed.
My friend Sharon's older brother knows a girl who died because she choked on her boyfriend's tongue.
Go away, Dawn.
I'm not in your room. I'm in the hallway. The hallway doesn't belong to you.
JOYCE comes out of the room across the hall.
Get out of here.
Mom, I can stand in the hallway, right?
She's watching us like a big freak!
Joyce puts a hand to her head.
This must be my "two teenage girls in the house" headache. I thought it felt familiar.
Good work, Dawn. You gave her a headache.
I did not! (to Joyce) Did I give you a headache, Mom? I'm sure part of it is Buffy's.
But part of it is Dawn's.
It's so nice you've learned to share. You girls, sort this out yourselves. It's good for you.
She didn't say I couldn't stand here.
Hmm...
She slams the door in Dawn's face.
Ow!
Spike poses a legless mannequin. He arranges its clothing, then puts a long blonde wig on the its head, smiling ironically.
Very posh.
Spike turns away, then suddenly whirls and aims a kick at the mannequin. It falls over and its head comes off, bouncing across the floor. He kicks it into the air like a soccer ball and catches it.
Oh, Slayer. One of these days...
Various men and machines are work in the b.g. as Xander #2 walks across the lot. He takes a hardhat marked "Harris" off a rack and puts it on, then proceeds inside.
Later. Xander #2 cuts lengths of wood with a power saw. The FOREMAN walks up behind him..
Hey, Harris! (louder) Harris!
Xander #2 turns off the saw and turns to him.
Harris, right. Yeah.
In my trailer, okay? I'm talking to all the guys today. The job's winding down.
Right, I'll be right there.
The foreman walks off and Xander #2 puts down the saw and follows.
Xander #1 hides behind a Porta-John, watching, disheveled and dirty.
Welcome to payback, mister evil-plan-face-stealer. You take my life, you get my being fired absolutely free.
Xander #2 walks across the site, smoothly ducking beneath a pipe carried by two other guys.
The door of the Porta-John opens and smacks Xander #1 in the face.
Harris. Where's your hard hat?
Xander #1 rubs his face and walks off.
As Xander #2 enters, the foreman indicates a chair before his desk.
Sit down.
Xander #2 puts his hard hat on the desk.
Outside, Xander #1 tries to peer through the window but it's too high.
How long've you worked here, Harris?
Xander #2 has something shiny in his hand, about the size of a quarter. He's twirls it in his fingers.
Huh? I'm not sure.
About three months?
I guess, yeah.
Xander #1 pulls together some random pieces of wood and climbs onto them, looking through the grimy window.
The shiny disc in Xander #2's hand is reflects sunlight onto the foreman's face and chest.
And you haven't done much construction work before this, is that right?
I knew they were going to notice that.
I have to tell you, that's surprising... 'cause your work here has been first-rate. Yeah, we have another job lined up in Carlton when you're finished here. You ever think about staying on full- time?
Xander #1's eyes go wide with shock.
What? Why isn't he firing me... him?
I was thinking that I'd have you head up our interior carpentry crew... see how it goes. It's more responsibility but the pay is better.
That would be great.
Promotion? But I... I mean, he didn't... Doesn't he see the shiny thing?
Flustered, he loses his balance and falls off his perch.
The foreman shakes Xander #2's hand.
Congratulations, Harris. You and your girl should go out and celebrate.
I already have an idea how.
The "For Rent" sign is gone.
Xander #2 fills out forms while the manager looks on. Xander #2's wardrobe is out of character for him. He's dressed very nice, his manner suave and self- confident.
I was going to call you, Mr. Harris, let you know your credit checked out fine, but... I really didn't think you'd be back.
Xander #1 listens in, crouching on the floor, his ear to the door.
"Mr. Harris." Yeah, right.
I'm sure you'll like the building... (smiles) I think someone said you're currently in your parents' basement?
Right. There comes a point where you either have to move on or just buy yourself a Klingon costume and go with it.
The manager laughs flirtatiously. She gathers up the application forms.
Well, I hope you'll be happy here, Mr. Harris. We're certainly happy to have you.
Thank you.
He flips the disc between his fingers again.
And if you need anything... day or night... please. Call me.
She hands him her card.
I'm leaving my home number here. Call me. Even for, you know, non-business stuff. Maybe we could do something?
She's coming on to him... me! Please, lady, that is so not me. He's too clean for one thing. And his socks are all matchyHe leaps aside and bolts around the corner as the door opens.
Remember... any time.
She closes the door and walks off.
Xander #2 picks up the phone and dials.
Anya, you there? Look, I know you're still mad but... I figure you're probably sitting there pretending you're not home but listening anyway.
Anya stands by the machine in her bathrobe, listening to Xander #2.
Am not.
Look, I have something to show you. Meet me at the apartment.
You know the one. Nine o'clock.
Anya looks surprised but interested.
The apartment door opens and Xander #2 walks out. As he closes the door and locks it, Xander #1 runs around the corner and leaps on Xander #2's back, yelling. Xander #2 throws him off and they both stare at each other in shock. Xander #2 punches Xander #1 in the face and he goes down, clutching his nose.
I won't let you do this!
What's going on down there?
You can't do this to me!
Xander #2 turns and runs off as Xander #1 groans and clutches his face.
Oh, man, I need Buffy.
A thunderstorm rolls in, drenching the town.
Xander #1 runs across the courtyard, soaking wet.
No, no. He looked exactly like me.
Xander #1 goes to the window and sees Xander #2 talking to Riley, Buffy and Giles.
It stole my face. We have to find it and we have to kill it.
She sees it's not me. Please, Buffy... resist his spell. Do this for me.
Don't worry, Xander. Whatever stole your face, it has to deal with the Slayer now.
Xander #1's eyes go wide with fear.
Willow enters, carrying some books. A moment later the door bursts open and Xander #1 rushes in, thoroughly drenched.
Don't be scared, Will. Just listen. It's me, Xander.
Willow puts her books on the bed, confused.
And I can prove it.
Um... okay.
He paces back and forth.
Let's see... stuff only you and me know. Okay! On my seventh birthday I wanted a toy fire truck and I didn't get it and you were real nice about it and then the house next door burnt down and then real fire trucks came and for years I thought you set the fire for me. And if you did, you can tell me. (beat) For a while last year, I thought I was lactose-intolerant but it was just some bad brie. Oh! Every Christmas we watch Charlie Brown together and I do the Snoopy dance.
He jumps around like a happy Snoopy, wearing a desperate grin. Willow watches for a moment and then gets up.
Xander... stop dancing.
Aha! You called me Xander!
Xander, shut up! Why wouldn't I think you were Xander?
Oh. Huh.
What's goin' on?
Okay. I woke up in the dump this morning.
Xander, the basement isn't a dump. It's more like a really nice hovel.
No. The dump. The city dump. I got hit last night, fall down boom, woke up this morning.
No! We walked you home last night, remember?
You walked? Will. Did I do anything weird? Did I wave any shiny things around?
Shiny things? What are you talking about?
Last night, that wasn't me. There's a double out there. Some... thing has stolen my face and it's going around pretending to be me and it's hypnotizing people. It even got to Buffy and Giles and Riley. It's over there right now and they have no idea.
The group tries to decide on a course of action.
What's intriguing me is that there are any number of demons with the ability to mimic a simple form but... this sounds like more than that.
Hold up. Do we really have to figure out what it is? Let's just go kill it.
Yeah. When the imposter's killed, the body'll probably turn back into whatever it really is and then we'll know.
Toth!
They all turn to her.
The demon with the creepy stick-thing.
Toth...
It's gotta be! He hit Xander with that blast and somehow it allowed him to take Xander's form. Couldn't that be what the creepy stick-thing did?
Yes... I suppose. Yes, yes, it makes sense. A shape-shifting device.
It does make sense. It must be Toth.
Willow and Xander #1 sit side-by-side on the bed. He wrings out his wet clothing.
It's a robot. It's an evil robot constructed from evil parts that look like me, designed to do evil.
Uh-huh. Or it's Toth.
Or it's Toth.
I was going to look for Toth anyway. Guess now I start... looking for you.
Should I go with you? I told Anya to meet me at my new place. I'd feel a whole lot better knowing she's safe from this creep.
Go be with her. I mean, if you were out there looking for the double too... let's just say that I wouldn't want to run into you and kill the wrong one.
Good thinking. When you kill this thing, you better make sure you got the one's who's actually--
--a demon. A demon has taken my life from me and he's living it better than I do.
Xander wrings out his shirt and Willow winces as the water sprays her.
Well, we're working on it. There has to be a way to get to Buffy to... un-hypnotize her. I'll find a spell to snap her out of it.
Right. Whatever.
Xander, you sound a little... you have to help me figure this out, you know.
But I never help. I get in trouble and Buffy saves me.
That's not true! Sometimes we all helped save you. (beat) And sometimes you're not in trouble.
I'm just... another great humiliation. But this time it's even worse. This demon, he's like taking my life and everyone's treating him... everyone's treating him like a grown-up! Will, I'm starting to feel like...
Like what?
Like he's doing everything better. He's smarter and... I don't know. Maybe I should just let him have it. Take my life, please.
Xander, no! You're just tired, and... and all soggy. That's why it seems so hard. But you can't let him just take your whole existence.
Why not? It's not like I was doing anything so great with it. When I get to the Pearly Gates I'm sure the guy is not going to go, "Hey, what a kick-ass comic book collection, come on in!" No, what have I got that's even worth-- Anya!
You think he's after her?
She won't know. He can just... no! No way! (jumps up) No way. He can take anything but he can't have her. I need her.
Really?
He could be with her right now! Figure out a spell. Something... revealy. I gotta find her.
Xander... you already knew he was taking over your life and you didn't think about Anya till just now?
Hey, wait till you have an evil twin. See how you handle it.
He bolts out the door leaving Willow to her books.
I handled it fine.
Xander #1 bursts in, panicked.
Anya? An?
He looks around. No one there. He notices the answering machine blinking and pushes the button.
Meet me at the apartment. You know the one. Nine o'clock.
Xander #1 looks around and runs to Anya's bureau, starts rummaging through the drawers.
It's gotta be here. Where is it?
Xander #2 gathers together a bottle of wine and two glasses. Anya stands in the living room on a blanket spread on the floor. A picnic basket is at her feet.
You're lying. It's a trick.
No. Trust me.
He walks over with the wine and puts it on the floor next to the basket.
You really got this apartment?
I really did. And do you know why?
The ceiling fans? Very attractive.
No. It's because I knew you wanted it. It's all for you.
She smiles and moves closer to him; they kiss.
Anya, you didn't see me today, did you? I mean, we didn't talk?
What do you mean? I just got your phone message, that's all.
Good.
They kiss some more, kneel, then sit on the blanket.
So... what happens next?
Well, at some point we take off our clothes.
I mean what happens next in our lives? When do we get a car?
A car?
And a boat. No, wait... I don't mean a boat. I mean a puppy. Or a child. I have a list somewhere.
What are you talking about?
Just... we have to get going. I don't have time just to let these things happen.
There's no hurry.
Yes, there is. There's a hurry, Xander. I'm dying.
He looks at her, shocked.
I may have as few as fifty years left.
Fifty years? What is thi-- oh, wait a minute. This is about this.
He touches her injured arm.
What about the sling?
You haven't been hurt like this since you became human. Maybe it's finally hitting you what being human means.
No, that's not it.
Yes, I think it is. You were going to live for thousands of years and now you're going to age and die. That must be terrifying.
You don't understand what it's like.
Being suddenly human? I think I can get what that would be like. And we can get through it together.
You can't make it any different. I'm going to get old. And you can't promise you'll be with me when I'm wrinkly and my teeth are artificial and stuck into my wrinkly mouth with an adhesive.
No, I can't promise that. But it doesn't sound terrible. And that's saying something. I promise you, Anya. Very soon you won't be thinking about getting older.
As they lean together in a kiss, the door bursts open and Xander #1 staggers in. Xander #2 and Anya look up in shock.
Get away from her!
Xander!
Anya and Xander #2 stand up.
Xander!
Get out. You don't belong here.
Anya. It's me.
Anya looks in confusion from one to the other. She starts to walk toward Xander #1 but Xander #2 stops her.
It's a demon. He stole my face, he's trying to trick you.
Anya looks from one to the other, bewildered.
Anya, you know I'm me, right?
No!
Anya looks at Xander #1 again and moves closer to Xander #2.
What is it? Make it go away.
Riley looks at a map while Giles checks his books.
So you're thinking we split up?
Yeah, you check the places where he might try and go and blend in as Xander. I'll check the places where Toth might hang out.
The door opens and Willow enters.
I swear, this time I know I had that locked.
Buffy, Toth looks like Xander.
We already know. We're on our way.
Wait a second, how did you know about this?
He came to me. I mean Xander did. And he's in terrible shape, we need to help him.
He came to us, too.
No. We each had a Xander. I mean... you didn't have a Xander, you had a demon in a Xander suit.
What makes you so sure that yours is the right one?
He knew stuff! He did the Snoopy dance. Buffy, it was Xander and he needs us.
Oh, dear lord.
Buffy, our Xander, did he seem a little--
He seemed kind of forceful and confident.
That's not Xander.
I said, "Oh, dear lord."
You always say that.
Well, it's always important! Neither Xander is a demon.
Um... is one of them a robot?
What? No. The rod device, it's called a ferula-gemina. It splits one person in half, distilling personality traits into two separate bodies. As near as I can tell, Toth was attempting to split the Slayer into two different entities.
Two Buffys?
Yes. One with all the qualities inherent in Buffy Summers and the other one with everything that belongs to the Slayer alone... the strength, the speed, the heritage. And when it hit Xander, I think it separated him into his strongest points and his weakest.
But which one's the real one?
They're both real. They're both Xander. Neither one of them is evil. There's nothing in either of them that our Xander doesn't already possess.
I still don't get the original plan. I mean, why do it? The Slayer half would be like Slayer concentrate, pretty unkillable.
But the two halves can't exist without each other. Kill the weaker Buffy half and the Slayer half dies.
So the same goes for the Xanders. We lose one, we lose them both.
Xander #1 is desperate to save Anya from what he believes is a demon.
He's the demon! Or possibly a robot. Look at me. Look in my eyes. Can't you see it's me?
Anya looks from one to the other, still completely befuddled.
I don't know!
Please! Look at him! Listen to him! He's all smooth. You have to know it's me!
Don't worry, Anya. I'll get rid of this thing. I'm thinking this is going to last about fifteen seconds.
Xander #1 reaches inside his shirt, pulls out a gun and levels it at Xander #2.
I'm thinking less.
Resume. Anya rushes forward and pushes Xander #1's arm to the ceiling. Xander #2 reaches for the gun and soon all three are grappling for it.
No! Don't shoot him!
Riley drives, Buffy in the passenger seat.
Can't this thing go any faster? Ultimate driving machine, my ass.
We're pushing 70.
Riley, do you wish--
No.
No? You don't even know what I was going to say.
Yes, I do. You wanted to know if I wished you got hit by the ferula-gemina, got split in two.
Well, you have been kind of rankly about the whole Slayer gig. Instead of having Slayer Buffy, you could have Buffy Buffy.
Hey. I have Buffy Buffy. Being the Slayer's part of who you are. You keep thinking I don't get that but--
It's just... I know how un-fun it can be. The bad hours, frequent bruising, cranky monsters...
Buffy... if you led a perfectly normal life, you wouldn't be half as crazy as you are. I gotta have that. I gotta have it all. I'm talkin' toes, elbows, the whole bad-ice-skating-movie obsession, everything. There's no part of you I'm not in love with.
Buffy looks up at him and smiles, then glances out the window.
We better get there soon. If Xander kills himself, he's dead. (frowns) You know what I mean.
The Xanders and Anya struggle with the gun.
Let go! I have to kill the demon-bot!
The gun falls to the floor and Xander #2 snatches it up.
Anya... get out of the way.
Anya stands in front of Xander #1 as Buffy and Riley charge through the door.
Xander!
All right, Buffy. I have him.
No! Buffy! I'm me! Help me!
My gun! He's got my gun!
You own a gun?
Xander... gun-holding Xander. Give me the gun.
Xander #2 hesitates, then flips the barrel up and opens the cylinder, allowing the rounds to drop onto the floor. He flips it shut and hands it to Buffy, who looks at him, impressed. She hands the gun to Riley.
Buffy, which one's real?
I am.
No, I am.
They try to attack each other but Buffy steps between them. She flings Xander #1 across the room; he crashes up against the kitchen counter.
Thank you.
Buffy grabs him and shoves him over next to Xander #1.
Ow!
Anya, Riley and Buffy examine the two Xanders side-by-side.
Wild.
Yeah. Okay, Xander... Xa... (sighs) You've been split in two. But you're both Xander. And you can't kill each other. Well, you could but it would be really bad.
The Xanders look at each other in horror.
No way.
He can't be me. He's all... fancy.
We can prove that you're both Xander.
Yeah! (to Riley) How?
Well, there has to be a way.
Oh! What number am I thinking of?
I don't think that's going to do it.
Eleven and a half.
Wrong. Oh! But see?
The Xanders frown.
No. We're not the same. We're all different.
Different properties went into each of you but you're both Xander.
Different properties?
What different properties?
You know, sense of direction. Good night vision, stuff like that.
Oh, but he has a thingie! In his pocket. A shiny disk that stuns and disorients!
What disk?
Cover your eyes!
This?
It'll melt your brain!
Buffy takes the disc from Xander #2.
Look.
It's a nickel someone flattened on the railroad track. I found it on the construction site and I thought it was cool. It's not magick.
Xander #1 takes the disc from Buffy.
No, I... it is kinda cool. Washington's still there but he's all smushy. And he may be Jefferson.
Okay, isn't anyone going to tell me why there are two Xanders?
I will on the way to Giles'. Let's go.
They all turn to leave just as the door smashes inward and Toth strides in.
Oh, great. Rod Boy.
I will not miss again, Slayer.
The gun! Pick up the little gun pieces!
Toth raises the weapon as Buffy and Riley dive away in opposite directions. Toth fires at Buffy and misses, tearing a charred hole in the floor.
Hey, I just made a small cleaning deposit!
Riley jumps on Toth from behind, causing him to drop the rod. He throws Riley off and flings him aside. Buffy attacks with a flurry of kicks and punches. Toth picks her up and body-slams her to the floor. She's up again immediately and lands a kick to Toth's head. Stunned, he staggers as Buffy presses her advantage, driving him to the floor.
Sword!
Riley grabs the sword from Buffy's weapons bag and throws it to her. She catches it and runs Toth through. He screams in agony and dies.
Buffy stands up, panting, as Anya and the Xanders gather around the corpse.
Oh, yeah. That cleaning deposit's gone.
I was thinking the same thing! Hey, do you suppose we're both Xander?
The two Xanders stand side-by-side, both dressed in identical Hawaiian shirts. Xander #1's shirt is a dirty mess whereas Xander #2's is clean and wrinkle-free.
Look and admire, ladies.
Willow, Buffy and Anya stare at the Xanders, fascinated. Giles kneels on the floor, marking it with chalk.
Buffy points at Xander's forehead.
Look, there's a scar there and there's the same one right there.
It's all double. This zit and this... kinda funny dippy thing. And this weird little hair that grows in the wrong way.
Okay! Back off, ladies.
Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone want to lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them? (off everyone's looks) Just me, then.
So... you Xanders really do have all the same memories, all the same... physical attributes?
We're completely identical.
Yeah, we checked out some stuff in the car on the way over. (off Anya's look) Fingerprints!
Well, maybe we shouldn't do this re-integration thing right away. See, I can take the boys home and we can all have sex together and... you know, just slap 'em back together in the morning.
Giles tries his best not to look appalled as Buffy and Riley smile, amused.
She's joking.
No she's not! She entirely wants to have sex with us together. Which is... wrong and it would be very confusing.
Giles stands up.
We just need to light the candles. Also, we should continue to pretend we heard none of the disturbing sex talk.
Check. Candles and pretense.
It's not like it'd be cheating. They're both Xander.
Now, hold on a sec. If you weren't putting a whammy on people with the shiny thing, how'd you do it? How'd you get the promotion?
Well, I'm good at that stuff.
I am?
Yeah.
And hey, how about that lady, huh? The apartment manager.
How weird was it when she called me "mister"?
The Xanders grin goofily at each other.
We're ready. We should do it now.
What'll we do if this doesn't work?
Kill us both, Spock!
They both crack up at their own joke.
They're... kinda the same now.
Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.
Hey, summon the goddess. Chant the chant. Let's do it.
Willow positions them both inside the rune on the floor.
Actually, it's not that hard. Your natural state is to be together. Toth's spell is doing all the work of keeping you apart. I just have to break it. So you two... stand right here, side by side. We don't want you to end up with two fronts, now do we?
Are you sure you know how to do this?
Here we go. Brace yourselves.
The two Xanders close their eyes and prepare.
Let the spell be ended.
CU on Xander, eyes still closed.
You gotta be kidding. "Let the spell be ended"? That's not going to work.
He opens his eyes, looks around and realizes there's only one of him.
Oh!
Willow smiles proudly.
I liked it the other way. Put him back.
Moving day. Xander and Riley carry boxes out. Anya sits on a stool reading a magazine. Xander pauses to look around.
Getting nostalgic?
I don't know. At first it's just a place, then you start to make memories and... then you're like that's where Spike slept and there, that's where Anya and I drowned the Pargo demon. Oh, and right there, that's where I got my heart all ripped out. (beat) I really hate this place.
Buffy enters and picks up another box, passing Anya.
Anya. I see you've joined the non-sling-wearing crowd.
Yes, I'm feeling better. And I anticipate many years before my death, excepting disease or airbag failure.
That sounds nice.
Xander holds out a box to Anya.
Oh! Presents?
Not unless you want my collection of Babylon 5 commemorative plates... which you cannot have. I just thought you could help carry a little.
Me? (pout) Buffy has super strength. Why don't we just load her up like one of those little horses?
Anya. Please.
Fine. I'm just your slave.
She takes the box and stalks out. Xander watches her go, amazed.
How is it that she can always make me feel Suave Xander's left the building?
You two have your friction but... she digs the whole package. It's obvious.
Still, I do envy you sometimes. (off Riley's look) I mean for the sanity. Not that I'm still into Buffy. Not that I ever was.
Hey, I'm well aware of how lucky I am. Like lottery lucky. Buffy's like nobody else in the world. When I'm with her it's like... it's like I'm split in two. Half of me is just on fire, going crazy if I'm not touching her. The other half is so still and peaceful, just perfectly content, just knows: this is the one. (beat) But she doesn't love me.
Xander stares at him, not knowing what to say. Buffy comes back and goes over to Riley and kisses him.
Got something else for me to carry?
You can help me pack this.
Sure.
They both begin packing as Xander watches, thoughtfully.