[Transcript of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" episode Triangle at buffyology.com.]
XANDER and ANYA lie in bed. Xander stares at the ceiling, thinking.
You ever have that feeling where there's something you know you're supposed to do and you forgot what it was?
Nope.
I've been having that feeling. I just realized what it was. Like three weeks ago, Riley asked me to borrow a crescent wrench. I keep having this feeling like I'm supposed to give it to him.
Well, that's not going to happen unless he comes back. You know, not to get the crescent wrench. Just to come back.
I just mean sometimes I sort of forget that he's gone. It's like, "Where's Riley? Oh wait, the Central Republic of Where-in-the- Hell."
Xander? If you ever decide to go, I want a warning. You know, big flashing red lights and one of those clocks that counts down like a bomb in a movie? And there's a whole bunch of colored wires and I'm not sure which is the right one to cut but I guess the green one and then at the last second, "No! The red one!" and then click, it stops with three-tenths of a second left but then you don't leave. (beat) Like that, okay?
Check. Big bomb clock. (off her smile) Come here.
He pulls her to him and she rests her head on his chest.
Maybe it's her.
Huh?
Well, maybe it won't happen to us because it's all about her messing things up. She couldn't make it work with Angel and then she let Riley go away.
Yeah, relationship debris is kind of piling up on the Buffy highway.
Hmm. Humans make the same mistakes over and over. I saw it when I was a vengeance demon. Some guy dumps a girl, she calls me, I exact vengeance, blah blah blah. The next year, same girl, different guy. I mean, after you smite a few of them, you start going, "My goodness, young lady... maybe you're doing something wrong here, too."
I don't think it's a pattern with her. No, it's just... you know, now that it happened again... man number two... I wonder how she's dealing with it.
The courtyard is filled with nuns. Focus on one from behind as she walks through the square. The NUN has a blonde curl protruding from beneath her habit.
A VAMPIRE suddenly appears behind her, retreating from something. He bumps into the nun, turns around and grabs her, holds her in front of him. The nun screams and the vampire pushes her aside as BUFFY delivers a flying kick to his face. He falls backward, then flips upright only to be beaten down again. The nun watches in slack-jawed amazement.
Buffy and the vampire continue to fight, Buffy pressing her advantage until the vampire disintegrates into dust with a final brutal blow.
Buffy tosses her stake aside and goes to the nun, who is still on the ground in shock.
What... was that? He looked like a demon!
Yeah, he did. Are you okay?
Yes, I think so.
Here.
Buffy helps her to her feet.
So about being a nun... you know, with the whole abjuring the company of men? You know, how's that working for you? The... abjuring.
Um... good.
Yeah, do you have to be like super-religious?
Well...
How's the food?
Opening credit sequence.
GILES wears padded mitts on his hands and Buffy is sparring with him. He staggers under her blows.
All right. Switch. Left lead.
So you really think they might be able to help us?
If you mean are they going to help us find out something about Glory... (re: punch) I saw that coming. You're dropping your shoulder. The resources that the Watcher's Council have at their disposal, (wistfully) I mean the Central Library alone is just--
Buffy stops.
Don't talk about the books again. You get all... (makes a disgusted face) and sometimes there's drool.
She resumes hitting.
I'm sorry, but we've really exhausted the materials I have here and we're coming up empty. You're still dropping your shoulder. I can see when you're going to go with your right. (more blows) You're doing it again!
Buffy hits him sharply in the upper arm and he stumbles aside.
Ow!
Sorry! Sorry. So Glory's all you're going to talk to them about, right?
Let's take a break.
Answer me.
I'm not going to mention Dawn's name. I wouldn't do that, I promise.
But you're going to tell them about the Key? That Glory's looking for something called the Key?
Well, knowing her goal is crucial. I mean, if anything helps them uncover her origins, her plans...
I know. It's just I trust these Watchers about as far as... you could throw them.
Thank you very much.
I'm just freaked about the idea of giving them any information that could possibly lead them to Dawn.
Truly, Buffy, if I saw an alternative... If the Initiative were still around, I'd consider using them but they're gone and then Riley was the last link we had to the government.
Giles wipes his face with a towel as Buffy looks down sadly.
Sorry, I didn't mean to--
It's okay. You can say his name. (pensive) I'm doing all right. These things happen. People break up and they move on. For a while it feels like the end of the world, you know, but big picture...
Not so huge.
Buffy looks at him in disbelief.
Not so huge? I just said it feels like the end of the world. Don't you listen? (off Giles' horrified look) I'm teasing.
Oh.
Sort of. I'll be okay.
Well, I do hate to go if you're feeling badly.
Look, if it'll help you find out something about Glory, I'm thrilled to have you gone.
Anya, Xander, WILLOW, TARA, and Buffy sit around the table looking over various books and papers.
You're going away for a week? That's great!
Yes, yes, everybody seems delighted about it.
Well, I get to run the store, right?
Giles looks over at her, alarmed.
You? Well, it's quite a lot for one person to take care of. Well, I mean, the trash men, for example. I mean, they've been making such a mess in the back alley, the recycling people can't get in there to collect. Somebody has to talk to them.
I can take care of that.
I'm envious, Mr. Giles. A trip to England sounds so exciting and exotic. (beat) Unless you're English.
Look, don't worry about the shop. We'll take care of it. We can open and close and we'll deal with everyone.
Anya frowns, unhappy.
We can come by between classes! Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens... but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.
I said "quirky".
Hello? I work here! I'll take care of everything.
Yeah, Anya can do it.
Thanks, sweetie. Well said.
Anya, while I completely trust you to take care of the inventory and the money, dealing with people requires a certain... finesse.
I have finesse! I have finesse coming out of my bottom! I can completely lie to the health inspector. I can distract him with coy smiles and bribe him with money and goods.
See there? She'll be great.
Don't worry, Giles. I'll help her take care of everything. It'll be ship-shape. Better, it'll be shop-shape.
Xander, she's talking to Giles like I'm not here. Make her stop.
Perhaps I'd better call the airline...
I'm just trying to help out! Xander, tell her.
She smacks him in the arm.
Schedule an earlier flight back. Excuse me.
Tell her that I don't need her help.
Xander looks between Anya and Willow, uncomfortable.
So how goes the slaying?
I killed something in a convent last night.
In any other room, a frightening declaration. Here, a welcome distraction. Tell us all about the killing, Buff.
Pretty standard. Vampire staking. Oh! But I met a nun and she let me try on her wimple.
Okay, now we're back to frightening.
A light-blue bathrobe lies on the bed. Buffy enters and frowns when she sees it. She looks up to find her mother fully dressed. JOYCE still has a scarf covering her the shaved part of her head.
You! You with the actual clothing, who are you? Dawn, come look at this.
It's hard to recognize me, huh?
DAWN enters and smiles at the sight.
Whoa.
No more bathrobe.
I looked at it today and there it was, all fuzzy and blue and I just couldn't stand it any more.
I don't think the rest of us will miss it much, either.
It was getting a little ripe, Mom.
Maybe we should burn it.
It would keep the bugs away.
It doesn't smell! Fine, fine, make your funny jokes at the expense of the woman with the hole in her skull.
Let's go. I think we've tired her out.
Dawn follows Buffy into her room. Buffy sits on her bed, flipping through a magazine. Dawn stands in the doorway, watching.
Whatcha doin'?
Playing soccer.
Can I hang out in here?
Don't touch anything.
Dawn walks into the room, examining Buffy's corkboard. There are several conspicuous blank spots among her snapshots.
You took down his pictures.
Yeah.
I... I think I would've done that sooner. Like, boom! "Don't want to see that face again."
It wasn't like that. I was never angry with him. (sighs) Okay, that's a lie. But it's not like I don't want to see his face.
I was just starting to kinda like the guy and then... gone. So fast.
It wasn't really so fast, him leaving. According to everyone who isn't me, it was kind of gradual.
Oh. Does that make it any better?
No.
Because you should have noticed earlier?
Stop being insightful. It's creepy. (beat) It hurts. In all kinds of horrible ways. In the way where I'm furious at him... in the way where I blame myself... and all the little ways I imagine how I could have fixed things.
It'll get better. Won't it?
I hope so. Yes. It has to.
Dawn lies down, her head in Buffy's lap. Buffy strokes her hair.
I'll just keep going like I have been and every day it'll get a little bit better.
Really? Every day?
Not really. But it'll be better soon.
It still feels all sudden to me. With him gone where no one can talk to him.
But you never know. Maybe he'll come back. Maybe he'll hate the jungle... or maybe he'll want to give it another try. I could... say all the things I didn't get to say.
SPIKE holds up a box of chocolates, making an earnest overture to his Buffy mannequin.
There's something I got to tell you. About showing you Riley in that place. I didn't mean to... (beat) Anyway, I know you're feeling all betrayed-- by him, not me. I was trying to help, you know. Not like I made him be there, after all. Actually trying to help you. Best intentions. I mean, you know, pretty state you'd be in, thinking things are all right while he's toddling halfway 'round the bend. (angry) Oh, I'll insult him if I want to! I'm the one who's on your side! Me! Doing you a favor! (enraged) And you, being dead petty about it-- me, getting nothing but your hatred and your venom and... you ungrateful bitch!
He loses control of himself and smashes the box of chocolates over the mannequin's head.
Spike finally calms down and sighs. He picks up the mannequin and sets it back up, carefully rearranging the wig, then picks up the box of chocolate and tries to stuff the candies back into it. He composes himself and faces the mannequin again.
Buffy... there's something I wanted to tell you.
Anya works the cash register. Willow stands behind her, holding a book while Tara scans the shelves for magick supplies at Willow's direction.
Good... and hellebore. It's up and to the right.
Tara takes down a vial and hands it to Willow.
Hellebore, one of my favorites.
It's powerful stuff. I tried to use it to de-rat Amy and it didn't work but I think it might have made her really smart. She keeps giving me these looks like she's planning something, rubbing her paws together.
They move to the reading table where a variety of magick supplies are laid out. Willow puts the vial into a rack with several others.
Hey. What are you two doing?
Oh, we're going to try out a few spells.
There's this thing you can do where you create light and we thought, what if you could make like simulated sunlight?
Yeah, so then, you know, there Buffy is, middle of the night, and she finds this whole nest of vamps and then she just goes, "Presto!"
Only it won't be "presto" exactly.
And voom! There's a floating ball of sunlight. Vamps get dusty.
You don't want to look right at it, though.
That's swell but you can't use this stuff. Giles has only been gone two days and you're already causing trouble. You shouldn't do things while he's gone.
You're the fish!
What?
Tara grins.
The fish in the bowl in The Cat in the Hat. He was always saying that the cat shouldn't be there while the mother was out.
What are you talking about?
It's a book. This cat does all this mischief.
It's so cute. He balances a bunch of stuff-- including that fish in the bowl! But don't try it for real when you're six because then you're not allowed to have fish for five years.
You're referencing literature I have no way to be familiar with. You're trying to make me feel left out and you're stealing!
I'm not stealing. I'm just taking things without paying for th-- (beat) In what twisted dictionary is that stealing?
Willow, maybe we should just pay.
Anya, Giles would be totally fine with this. Come on, it'll be fun. We could show you how to do some stuff! You could be floatin' pencils by the end of the day.
Sometimes I miss having powers. (beat) Oh. Oh! I know what this is! This is peer pressure! Any second now you're going to make me smoke tobacco and have drugs.
Look how easy.
A small stick of dried sage and a vial rise off the table and float in the air.
Hey! Don't float the merchandise!
She grabs the items and puts them back on the table. Willow turns and a few items on the counter rise into the air.
Stop that!
Xander enters, walking past the floating objects without noticing.
Hey, look at this! My two favorite girls! (to Tara) Three favorite girls.
Xander, Willow's stealing. She's a burglar.
Right, the cunning, broad-daylight, in-front-of-everyone burglar. Xander, I'm just doing a spell to help Buffy.
Xander, Giles left me in charge. Tell her.
Hey, hey! Judge Xander requesting a recess here.
You really shouldn't pull him into this.
Yeah, see? Tara's with me. (to Tara) Protect me, Tara.
Xander, what I'm doing, it's a good thing. And if it doesn't work, Giles never even needs to know about it.
She puts a mortar and pestle on the counter, takes a pinch of powder out of the bowl and sprinkles it on the cash register. The register promptly disappears in a puff of pink smoke.
Oops.
The cash register! What did you do with the cash register? Dear god!
I'll fix it, I'll fix it! Recursat. (Return.)
Another pink puff and the register reappears in a broken heap. Smoke curls out of it.
There, all back. Good as new.
Money! Did you hurt the money?
Anya opens the cash register and coughs as more smoke pours out.
Money good? (to Xander) She endangered the money!
Of course that's what she cares about. (mocks Anya) "I like money better than people. People can so rarely be exchanged for goods and/or services."
Xander, she's pretending to be me!
Well, can you even believe how she's acting?
Okay, you know what? I'm tired of being the one in the middle. I'm not going to let you pull me into this.
I'm not.
Whatever the issue is between you two, just figure it out without me.
He turns to leave.
Xander, don't go!
Xander walks out the front door and slams it behind him.
You made him mad.
Me?
Tara, who do you think he was more mad at?
You know, I think maybe you guys have some stuff you need to work out, you know, just really... talk.
Tara hastily exits as well leaving Anya and Willow alone with each other.
Later. Anya sits on a stool, holding a pencil and notepad. Willow is at the counter where she has set up a large cauldron and a variety of magick potions. As Willow measures and includes each ingredient in her potion, Anya ticks off the appropriate item on her inventory sheet.
Fleabane...
Fifteen cents.
Salamander eyes...
Ten bucks for twelve. Bargain.
Bindweed...
Ugh... oh, that's a pricey one.
Would you stop that? It's very distracting.
Fine. Make your little ball of sunshine. I'll be quiet.
Good, because this spell is very sensitive. Once I begin, any non- ritual word can disrupt it.
She mashes the ingredients together with the pestle.
Fine.
Okay, here we go.
She pours the mixture into the cauldron, then closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.
Did you start yet?
Shh, no! This is it.
She closes her eyes and inhales deeply again.
Spirits of light, I invoke thee. Let the gloom of darkness part before you.
A small circlet of yellow-orange light arises out of the cauldron and begins to spin.
Let the moonlight be made pale by your presence. Spirits--
Is it done?
Shh!!!
The circle of light flashes brighter and grows a bit larger.
Spirits of light, grant my wishes.
Sorry, I thought you were done.
Do you want to screw this up?
As Willow turns away to yell at Anya, the circle of light grows bigger and brighter and its spinning becomes more erratic.
No. No. I'm sure you can do that all on your own.
Hey, Anya, whatever really has you mad, why don't you just say it like you do every other thought that stomps through your brain?
I believe I have said it.
No. You haven't. Come on. Let it out!
The circle of light suddenly drops down through the glass of the countertop and touches a large crystal in the display case underneath. With a tremendous flash of light, OLAF, a huge hulking troll, appears. Willow and Anya shriek and grab each other.
Olaf stumbles a bit, regains his balance, and looks around. He is easily seven feet tall, long tangled hair, green scaly skin and a heavy beard covering most of his face. Two curved horns protrude from his head and he wields a massive hammer.
Anya and Willow stare at him in shock.
When Olaf sees the two girls, he roars loudly, sending them into another round of shrieking and clutching.
Olaf slams his hammer into a display case full of merchandise, then another. He stumbles to the door, smashing a statue before he exits.
He's not a ball of sunshine.
Buffy and Tara are surrounded by other students, filing out at end of class. The professor hands Buffy a piece of paper. She takes it and accompanies Tara out into the corridor.
New semester, new classes. Whole new vistas of knowledge to be confused and intimidated by.
I think this one's going to be kind of fun. Greek Art's going to touch on so many things-- mythology, history, philosophy...
The professor spit too much when he talked. It was like being at Sea World. "The first five rows will get wet."
That was just, you know, enthusiasm.
It seemed very much like saliva.
We'll sit farther back next time.
Good plan. I need to keep this course. The only other thing that fits into my schedule is Central American Geopolitics.
Hmm...
And no, thank you. I even hear the word jungle, all I can think of is him. You know, "Is that the one Riley's in?" Really don't need a daily two o'clock knife in the heart.
Is it that bad?
Sort of. But I'm starting to get perspective on the whole situation. You know, maybe Riley's... where he's supposed to be. You know, maybe he needed to be where he was needed.
Willow says that things always happen for a reason.
But you ever notice people only say that about bad things? But not for me the furrowed brow. What do you say we go pick up Willow and indulge ourselves in a little after-school hamburger?
I guess we could. She might still be at the magick shop. I was there earlier and she and Anya kinda got in this little squabble. Xander and I sort of cleared out. He was pretty upset.
Buffy reacts, concerned.
Anya and Xander are in trouble?
Oh! No, I said that all wrong. It was nothing. Willow and Anya were sort of fighting and then Xander kind of snapped at both of them and he left.
He left? Xander left Anya?
Ummm... no, not "left her" left her, he just left. It was only a little thing. It--
Little thing? (tearful) See, the thing is, the little things get bigger, you know, and if you don't catch the little thing and then, boom! You have this whole huge thing!
Oh, dear.
Not them with the little things! They can't break up!
Oh, I think--
They have a beautiful love.
I think they'll be fine.
Buffy bursts into tears and puts her face against Tara's shoulder, hugging her. Tara looks alarmed and awkwardly pats Buffy on the back.
They have a miraculous love!
What?
A miraculous love!
Anya drives, Willow in the passenger seat. They pass a parked car whose entire side has been caved in.
There, that parked car! We're still on his trail.
Willow clutches a stack of papers as the car screeches around a corner.
I don't even get how we made that guy because-- wow!-- advanced.
No one made him. He must have been trapped in that crystal and you released him.
I released him? No, this was definitely a "we" thing. Or a "you" thing! It definitely feels like a you thing.
Look, just find the reversal spell. And hurry! Look what he did to that lamppost!
The lamppost lies on the ground, broken in two.
I'm trying. Put the top up, the pages are all blowy!
Well, I don't know how to put the top up. I only just figured out what the left pedal does. (smiles) It makes us stop!
Anya slams on the brakes and they screech to a halt, then she resumes driving.
You don't know how to drive? Why didn't you say you don't know how to drive?
Well, I couldn't know if I could until I tried, could I?
This is very, very bad. There's an ogre on the loose--
Troll.
What?
Troll on the loose. Now hold on, I'm going to press the right pedal harder. I expect us to accelerate.
The car lurches forward and Willow is slammed back against her seat. She looks over at Anya, seething.
There's a troll on the loose and you're going to crash Giles' car!
It's likely. We're going very fast. You should have listened to me and not done the spell. Giles put me in charge.
Giles can be an idiot. The smart kind, but still.
Xander agreed.
Oh, right. Xander doesn't step out of line.
Well, what do you mean by that?
Nothing.
Willow suddenly points and Anya twists the wheel violently. The car screeches around a corner, narrowly missing another parked car with its roof bashed in. Several of Willow's papers flutter off in the breeze.
Find that spell quickly!
Whoa, that's gone.
Xander takes a bowl of peanuts from the counter and turns, bumping into SPIKE, who is drinking a beer.
Hey, watch it. Oh, it's you.
Spike, don't let me stop you from not being here.
I was here first, you know.
Uh-huh. Go away.
Xander walks off. Spike grins and follows him.
Now why would I do that, when it's bugging you so much having me here?
Xander sits at a table and begins shelling the peanuts as Spike watches, amused.
They have chicken wings, too. Also, a sort of a flower-shaped thing they make from an onion. It's brilliant.
Are you talking to me hoping that I'll get so depressed that I'll impale myself on a fork right in front of you?
Lovely thought. If I don't hurt you myself, the chip wouldn't zap me. I could eat you that way. Beat the onion thing all to hell.
Spike reaches over to take one of Xander's peanuts and Xander slaps his hand away.
Hey! Those are mine.
My, my. Someone's in a temper. This all sympathetic misery borrowed from the Slayer?
What? No, nothing to do with Buffy.
So she's all right, then. Not... holding grudges?
What are you talking about? What does Buffy have to do with anything? What grudges?
Oh, yeah. Okay. No need to talk about her, then. I'm sure she's merrily slaying some pals of mine, having a grand old time.
Buffy steps around the broken debris on the floor.
This is very bad. (calling) Willow? Anya?
Tara runs in from the back room.
They're not back there, either. They're gone. (anxious) Buffy, something's been here and Willow's gone.
Don't worry. We'll get her back, I promise. Come on, this thing's probably leaving a huge trail.
Buffy grabs Tara's hand and they both run out.
Olaf rounds a corner, hammer in hand. He smashes the side of a large garbage dumpster, sending it spinning across the street toward a group of pedestrians. He laughs loudly.
Puny receptacle!
He growls and hits a mailbox with his hammer. It shoots off in the direction of the dumpster. The people begin to back away in alarm.
You do well to flee, townspeople! I will pillage your lands and dwellings! I will burn your crops and make merry sport with your more attractive daughters! Ha ha ha! Mark my words!
He pauses and sniffs the air.
Oh! Ale! I smell delicious ale!
He moves off in the direction of the Bronze.
Spike and Xander play pool.
...and they get in these fights and they're both looking at me like I'm the referee. Also, sometimes I'll say something about Anya and Willow will get this look, this "What the hell do you see in her?" look.
I know that look. Lot of people never really got Dru, you know?
Well, she was insane. Then it's like, well, I get all torn. Because Willow's my best friend and I really value her opinion but Anya's my girlfriend, you know?
Hmm. What does the Slayer think of all this friction in the ranks? Can't be good for morale.
I don't know.
She's a little preoccupied, maybe? It's understandable, what with all the upset, all the blaming of innocent bystanders who got caught up in the mess.
What?
I mean, did she want to be made a fool of? And what does a person have to do to make it right?
Olaf walks past, bumping Spike's shoulder.
Hey, watch it, mate.
Spike turns to look up at Olaf. Both he and Xander stare in shock.
On second thought, do what you like.
Olaf sniffs the air.
Ale! Yes!
He walks over to a guy wheeling a dolly with two kegs on it.
Ah, fragrant ale!
Olaf picks up a keg with one hand, lifts it to his mouth and begins to drink.
So... think I should run and get Buffy?
Olaf finishes off the keg, sighs happily and tosses it aside. He looks around at the patrons and spots a waitress.
Barmaid! Bring me stronger ale and some plump, succulent babies to eat.
I'm going to run and get Buffy. Or maybe you could fight him.
Yeah, I could do that but I'm paralyzed with not caring very much.
You there! Do you know where there are babies?
What do you think, the hospital?
What? Shut up! (to Olaf) Um, listen...
I find myself very hungry. And when I'm hungry I grow short of patience.
Well, we can take care of the hungry, so how's about you just sit down in one of the... sturdier chairs and we can have a calm talk and something to eat.
Can it be babies?
Well, not so much.
Oh.
But maybe some roast pigs and stags and... much hearty grog.
They've got this onion thing...
You cannot appease me! Do not try! More ale!
He grabs the second keg off the dolly as Xander and Spike edge toward the door. Just as they reach it, Anya and Willow rush in, Willow carrying a book.
Xander! You shouldn't be here. There's a troll.
A big guy? Hammer? (Anya nods) I think I noticed him.
He points and Anya and Willow turn to find Olaf draining the second keg.
I wish Buffy was here.
The door opens again and Buffy runs in, followed by Tara.
I'm here.
I wish I had a million dollars. (off everyone's look) Just checking.
What's going on? Where did he come from?
Spike steps forward, looking nervous.
Hello, Buffy.
Buffy looks at him with contempt.
Willow stole ingredients and released him from a purple crystal. He's a troll.
You did this?
Me? No-- we. I mean, us. (re: Anya) Her. It's very complex.
Well, we can stop him. Willow, do the spell.
Willow opens her book to read.
Let the conjuring be--
Olaf suddenly stops drinking and looks over at them.
Stop!
They all look up at Olaf as he growls menacingly at them.
Nobody lets me finish!
You told the witch to do that, Anyanka. You seem determined to put an end to all my fun. Just like you always did when we were dating!
Buffy, Tara, Xander, Spike and Willow stare at Anya who looks sheepishly away.
You dated him?
You dated a troll?
And we're what? Surprised by this?
Well, he wasn't a troll then! You know, he was just a big dumb guy and well, he cheated on me and I made him into a troll, which by the way is how I got the job as a vengeance demon.
Olaf roars angrily and smashes the countertop with his hammer. Patrons scream and run away.
I did not cheat! Not in my heart. It was only one wench! I had a great deal of mead! Next thing I know, I'm a troll! You did this, Anyanka. You will die for this.
But you seem to enjoy the being a troll.
I adjusted. And then what happened? Witches. Filthy, dirty, disgusting witches. They trapped me. I was imprisoned in that crystal for centuries. A curse on all witches! All must die!
Willow, again.
She nods and looks down at her book.
Let the conjuring be undone. Return the beast to native form.
Witch, you must stop!
Keep it far from us and ours as long as my voice shall sound.
Olaf pauses and looks down at himself. Nothing happens. He begins to laugh as Willow flips the pages frantically.
It did not work!
Okay, wait! Let the conjuring--
Olaf lunges forward but Buffy intercepts him with a kick to the chest. As she drives him back, kicking and punching, Spike follows right behind her. Buffy ducks a punch which catches Spike off guard, sending him reeling.
Buffy seizes Olaf and shoves him down on a pool table. They both grapple for his hammer. Olaf shoves Buffy and she goes flying backward into Spike. Olaf gets up from the pool table and begins smashing the pillars that hold the mezzanine level up. As the upper level starts to crack and groan, the patrons scream and run.
Buffy lies on the floor on top of Spike. Spike pretends to help her up but takes advantage of the situation to cop a feel of her breasts and butt. She finally pulls free of him and wades back into the battle.
Xander and Anya cower in a corner as Olaf smashes the final pillar and the entire upper level of the Bronze comes crashing down, bringing people and tables with it. Buffy covers her head with her hands as debris falls on her. Some of the people manage to cling to the railings, dangling in the air, before they drop to the floor below.
Resume. A massive piece of wood pins Buffy to the floor. With a mighty effort, she shoves it off as Spike runs over to help her up. Buffy ignores him and turns to Willow, Xander, and Anya standing nearby.
Where is he?
Gone.
Xander, follow him. Anya, Willow, head back to the magick shop. Find a spell that will actually stop him.
As the others leave, Buffy helps Tara clear debris off several injured people.
Spike crouches down next to an injured woman, her face covered with blood. As he slips a bundle of rags under her head for support, Buffy challenges him.
What are you doing?
Making this woman more comfortable. (off her look) I'm not sampling, I'll have you know. Just look at all these lovely blood- covered people. I could, but not a taste for Spike, not a lick. Know you wouldn't like it.
You want credit for not feeding on bleeding disaster victims?
Well, yeah.
You're disgusting.
Spike looks after her in disbelief as she turns her back and walks off.
What's it take?
Willow searches the bookshelves.
Hurry up! I'm taking everything on relocation spells, suspension spells, and-- what the heck-- spells to make him really sleepy, 'cause slightly better.
She takes the books down and puts them on the table. Anya joins her, her arms full of supplies.
In case we need 'em, I'm getting more of all the things you stole.
I didn't-- why do you do that?
What?
You're so rude! I mean, sure, at first, ex-demon, doesn't know the rules. Well, you've been here forever. Learn the rules.
Rules are stupid.
Great, whatever. I just thought you might be interested in learning to act more human. Some of us enjoy it. Oh, look for spells with dimensional portals too.
I am a human. And there are many humans who are stranger than me.
Uh-huh, but unless I'm really wrong about Crazy Larry down at the bus stop, he's probably not going to turn Xander into a troll.
Well, now, that's a very complicated proced-- oh. You think I'm going to hurt Xander? I would never hurt Xander! (off her look) You really think I would do that!
Anya, it's what you do. You spent what? A thousand years hurting men? You got your "thousand years of hurting men" gold watch.
I was a demon then and I don't even have any powers now! Is this the spell?
She holds a book up.
Only if you want him to double in size and grow extra arms, which... let's not. And by the way, you weren't a demon when you turned Olaf into Lord of the Hammers. You managed that. Also, there's other ways to hurt Xander.
I don't do magick now. You're the one with that kind of power. In fact, D'Hoffryn offered you my old job. You're closer to being a vengeance demon than I am. Maybe Xander should be afraid of you.
Xander's my best friend!
Oh, and you don't want anyone else to have him. I know what broke up him and Cordelia, you know. It was you! And your lips!
No, it was not! Well, yes it was so but... that was a long time ago. Do you think I'd do that again?
Why not?
Well, hello? Gay now.
But you're always doing everything you can to point out how much I'm an outsider. You've known him since you were squalling infants together. You'll always know him better than I do. You could sweep in and poison his mind against me.
You're insane! I am not going to take him away and I am not going to hurt him.
Well, I'm not either!
The front door suddenly crashes inward and Olaf storms in.
Aha!
Anya thrusts Willow behind her and they clutch each other in fear.
I knew it. You two, performing more spells. I could be out pillaging, devouring babies, making merry with the local virgins, but instead, I had to come all the way back here to kill you.
Run!
As they bolt for the door, Olaf grabs them, one arm around each of them. He throws them over the counter and they crash into the merchandise shelves and fall to the floor, stunned.
As Olaf lifts his hammer and chuckles evilly, Xander runs in and immediately sizes up the situation.
No! Get away from them!
I will get away from them after I kill them.
You are not touching these women.
Xander charges Olaf, who simply holds out his hammer. Xander slams into it and falls down, wincing. Olaf picks him up by the front of his shirt and Xander hits Olaf across the face to no effect. In return, Olaf hits Xander in the face with his hammer, sending him reeling across the room and into the wall. Xander gets unsteadily to his feet.
Ah, you wish for more? Admirable!
Xander runs forward again and punches Olaf. The troll grabs his arm with one hand and brings his hammer down on Xander's head. Olaf reaches down and slides Xander across the floor into a display case. Somehow, Xander manages to get to his feet again. Olaf laughs heartily.
Xander stumbles over to the stairs and climbs halfway up. He launches himself from the stairs at Olaf, who catches him in midair and slams him to the floor. Olaf hauls Xander to his feet.
You fight well although you are a tiny man. I shall reward you. Only one of your women shall die and you shall be the one to choose.
CU on Xander's shocked expression.
Resume. Willow and Anya stand up.
Did he just say--
Ha ha. Choose! Anyanka or the witch. One of your women must die.
Xander shakes his head.
No. You are one crazy troll. I'm not choosing between my girlfriend and my best friend. That's insane troll logic!
Go, Xander. I love you.
Good for you. You are a loyal man.
Olaf takes Xander's wrist and snaps it. The girls scream in horror as Xander doubles over in pain.
Xander!
Now. Choose!
Olaf, no!
I'm not choosing.
Then you shall be the one who dies.
He lifts his hammer with one hand and holds Xander by the hair with the other. Anya rushes forward, desperate.
No! Choose me. Just don't take him! Don't take Xander!
Willow moves up behind Anya and throws a handful of powder at Olaf.
E conspectu abeat monstrum. (Let the monster vanish.)
The cash register disappears.
Damn.
Buffy and Tara arrive and Buffy quickly assesses the situation.
Buffy!
Tara, stay back!
Buffy charges Olaf, who drops Xander and turns to face her. She delivers a vicious blow to his gut.
Buffy, the hammer! The strength is in the hammer!
Olaf swings his hammer at Buffy and she ducks, hitting him again. He hits her with the hammer, sending her reeling to the floor.
Willow begins mixing her ingredients.
How can I help?
Distract him from Buffy... piss him off.
I don't know how.
Anya, I have faith in you. There is no one you cannot piss off.
Anya smiles proudly and moves out from behind the counter. Buffy and Olaf are still exchanging blows.
Hey Olaf! You're as inadequate a troll as you were a boyfriend!
Olaf looks over at her with an angry grunt. Buffy lands another blow.
Anya looks back at Willow, who gives her the thumbs-up.
You're hairy and unattractive and even women trolls are put off by your various odors.
Instrumentum ultionis, telum fabuloso, surge, surge, terram pro voca. (Instrument of revenge, fabled weapon, arise, arise, from the earth before my voice.)
Olaf's hammer glows green for a moment as he lifts Buffy by the throat.
Your menacing stance is merely alarming!
Olaf hits Buffy with his hammer and flings her aside where she crashes against the wall.
And your roar is less than full-throated!
Desist! My god, woman, it's been a thousand years and yet you are as aggravating and emasculating as ever you were.
He swings the hammer at Anya and she ducks.
Vola cum viribus, dominum tuum nega. Vola! (I wish with all men that god will deny you.)
Olaf's hammer glows green and shoots out of his hand as he tries to swing it at Anya. It lands across the room and Olaf stares down at his hands incredulously. Buffy gets to her feet and approaches him.
Hey, good job.
You, too. Very irritating.
So... your power's in your hammer?
She charges the troll and he backhands her across the room. She lands hard on the floor.
Oh, yeah! I forgot he still has all that troll strength.
Buffy staggers to her feet and helps Xander up.
You shall all die! I will dispense no mercy now!
Buffy punches him in the face repeatedly, then wrenches his arm up behind his back. He grunts loudly and throws her off.
What are you fighting for, minuscule blonde one? Your friends? (re: Anya and Xander) These two? They will never last. Anyanka is very difficult to live with and he... he's ludicrous and far too breakable. Their love will never last.
Buffy's lower lip begins to tremble and she looks on the verge of tears. She utters a sad little whimper, then jumps to her feet and somersaults over Olaf's head. He reaches for her and she flips across his back, spins and kicks him in the chest. Willow, Xander, and Anya watch in amazement as Buffy drives Olaf across the room.
She's got him now.
Anya nods, then turns her attention to Xander's broken wrist.
Poor baby.
She looks up again as Buffy drives Olaf back in the other direction.
You really dated him?
Yes.
But you like me better, right?
Yes! Oh, and Willow likes you too but not in a sexy way, you know, 'cause she's gay.
Willow smiles at Xander and nods.
And she's not going to try to break us up so, you know, it's all okay.
Xander smiles, unsure how to take that, then turns back to Buffy, who is pummeling Olaf into submission.
Their love... will last... forever!
With one final tremendous blow, Buffy pounds Olaf to the floor. He lies still and unconscious.
Willow approaches and looks down at him.
Let the transposition be complete.
Olaf dissolves into nothing and disappears.
The next day. Buffy, Anya, Willow and Xander are picking through the debris, cleaning up as best they can.
Where did you send him?
The land of the trolls. He'll like it there. Full of trolls.
It's hard to be precise, though. Alternate universes don't stay put. Trying to send him to a specific place is sort of like... trying to hit a puppy by throwing a live bee at it. (off their looks) Which is a weird image and you should all just forget it.
It's possible that he's in the land of perpetual Wednesday... or the crazy melty land... or, you know, the world without shrimp.
There's a world without shrimp? (off Willow's look) I'm allergic.
He's probably in troll land.
I only care that he's not here... and I got this nifty souvenir.
She holds up Olaf's hammer, then places it on the countertop. After a moment, the glass top shatters and the hammer falls down into the display case.
Oops.
The place is trashed enough anyway.
Well, see how well things worked out? (to Anya and Xander) And look at you guys. So good and alive and together.
She starts to tear up again and before long, she's crying hysterically.
So together and... good and... alive... Oh, god... I'm... I'm just so happy for you!
She bursts into tears and buries her face in a tissue as the others stare at the enigma that is Buffy Summers.
Buffy and Giles sit at the dining room table.
I cringe to think what the place would have looked like if I'd been away for longer than three days.
Well, maybe we would have had time to clean it up. You know, if Willow used some magicks to help.
Yes, because nothing could possibly go wrong with that.
Joyce enters with a tea tray.
Rupert, I still don't understand-- (Giles takes the tray) oh, thank you-- why the other Watchers made you go all the way to England when they don't know anything.
She and Giles sit down on either side of Buffy.
Well, they don't know it yet. I mean, they have no record of Glory or anyone like her but based on the information that I've given them, they're going to look into it. They might have something soon.
What about the Key? Were they all over it?
Yes. (to Joyce) You know all of this?
I got some of it myself. Buffy told me the rest.
Well, they're interested, certainly, and full of theories. Most of them... nonsensical.
Pan past Giles into the hallway.
Dawn walks down the stairs, stopping on the other side of the doorway when she hears voices.
They don't know that it's Dawn?
No.
I still can't begin to grasp this. I mean, she's my little girl. I...
It is disorienting.
Giles, what happens if they figure it out? What would they do?
I don't know.
Dawn frowns.
Oh, I can't even think about this. It's too... I'll get some more milk.
CU on Dawn's troubled expression.