[Transcript of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" episode I Was Made To Love You at buffyology.com.]
BUFFY takes out her Spike frustrations on a punching bag while GILES watches in the b.g.
Spike! Spike wants me. How obscene is that?
Well, it is very strange. I can't imagine what he's thinking. Not that you're not... attractive.
I feel gross, you know, like dirty.
More punches.
That's ridiculous. You can't be responsible for what Spike thinks or feels.
Well, aren't I responsible? I mean, something about me had to make him feel that, right? Something that made him say, "Woof, that's the one for me!"
Her blows become more violent. She finishes by delivering a vicious knee-kick to her target.
Buffy, I think you should perhaps calm down.
Me, too.
Reveal that Buffy's punching bag is actually XANDER in a huge padded suit and fencing mask.
Oh! Puffy Xander, I'm sorry. I got... guess I got carried away. Are you okay?
I'm alive. I can tell because of the pain.
Do you want to sit down?
I'm not that bendy. (points at the wall) I could lean.
I'll get some ice.
Buffy helps Puffy Xander waddle over to the wall and lean against it.
Here. Comfy?
Oh, yeah. This leaning? This is the stuff.
That's my secret to attracting men. You know, it's simple really. You slap 'em around a bit, you torture 'em, you make their lives a living hell--
Buff...
--and sure, the nice guys, they'll run away, but every now and then you'll meet a real prince of a guy like Spike who gets off on it.
Buffy... stand me up.
Buffy helps him stand up straight. He loses his balance and tips toward Buffy, who puts her hands out to stabilize him.
The problem is not you. Don't do this to yourself, please.
It's just... I just want to know that there's going to be another good one. One that I won't chase away.
There will be. Promise. He's out there. He could come along any minute.
Yeah, and the minute after that I can terrify him with my alarming strength and remarkable self-involvement.
What? I don't think you're like that.
Maybe I could change. You know, I could! I could work harder. I could spend less time slaying. I could laugh at his jokes. I mean, men like that, right? The joke-laughing-at?
Or maybe you could just be Buffy. He'll see your amazing heart and he'll fall in love with you.
Buffy smiles at him, touched.
Xander, that's... aw!
She wraps her arms around Xander and rests her head on his huge chest.
This is the day you choose to hug me? (beat) Buffy?
Mmm?
You ever think maybe the reason you haven't found a great relationship on the Hellmouth is because it's a Hellmouth? Seems to me it's a pretty terrible place to try to build anything.
Buffy closes her eyes, enjoying the peace.
Mmm.
A car turns the corner and pulls to the sidewalk. The passenger door opens and APRIL, a very attractive young woman, gets out and closes the door. She leans in to the DRIVER of the car.
Thank you for picking me up. I'm very grateful for the ride.
You sure you want to get out here? I mean, this place is kinda... what are you looking for in Sunnydale, anyway?
April's face lights up in a beatific smile.
True love.
Opening credit sequence.
JOYCE stands before Buffy and DAWN, modeling a black evening gown. She spins around for them.
I might like it more than the others. Can you spin around again?
She does and Buffy smiles.
Oh, I'm not sure. Once more.
Joyce spins again, smiling at them.
Now could you go the other way?
Joyce starts to spin, then stops and looks at them, suspiciously.
You're messing with me!
Dawn laughs.
We just wanted to see how many times we could get you to do it.
Was that five or four and a half?
So is anyone going to talk about my dress?
I like it.
You sure? I mean, it's not too mom-ish?
Oh. That was why I liked it.
You're both crazy. It's not mom-ish at all. It's sexy. It screams, "Randy sex kitten, buy me one drink and I'll..." (beat) Oh, wait. That's not really good either.
Dawn hastily agrees.
Oh, god. What time is it?
Buffy checks her watch.
Four twenty-three. You have lots of time until seven. Vast acres of time in which you could plant crops. Now tell me about this Brian and what his intentions are.
Maybe he's a gigolo. Was his shirt all shiny?
No! He works for a publishing house. He's a nice normal guy, okay?
I think I've heard of those.
He came to the gallery... my first day back, when I was, you know, kinda shaky, starting over. And he asked a question about these antique cameos and I was so lost because Carol had been doing the ordering while I was sick. Well, it turned out that he didn't know anything about them either, so we had a lot to talk about.
So what's the plan for tonight?
Dinner and then a movie. (frowns) Or maybe it was a movie and then dinner, which might be better because, you know, then we could talk about the movie. Or maybe a movie isn't a good idea at all because, well, you know, you can't talk during and then, you know, what's the point of any of it? Oh, and about the restaurant. Do you think that it should be one with candles and romantic music or is that pushing it? Buffy, what do you think? Should I, you know, try to make things romantic or... sorta let him set the pace?
Buffy shakes her head and stands up.
Oh, no. Love Doctor Buffy is not in. I am not qualified to give dating advice. I've had exactly two boyfriends and they both left. Really left. Left town left.
Honey, you just had some bad luck.
Well, you're going to that spring break party tonight. Maybe you'll find someone there.
Or maybe Brian has a son and Mom and I can go on some unspeakably awkward double dates.
Oh, god... Brian. What time is it now?
Four twenty-four.
You sure the dress is okay?
Hmm. Spin again. Real fast this time.
TARA and ANYA walk together through the UC Sunnydale campus.
Willow's good at all that computer stuff but me not so much. Do you really understand all that?
Oh. Well, at first it was confusing. Just the idea of computers was like, "Whoa, I'm eleven hundred years old." I had trouble adjusting to the idea of Lutherans.
I go online sometimes but everyone's spelling is really bad and it's... depressing.
But you have to try online trading. It's great! The secret is avoiding the tech companies everyone was jumping on and going with the smaller firms that supply the basic components.
Uh-huh.
Anyway, I took the money from working for Giles and I tripled it.
Tripled? Like first money, then money money money?
Yes. I'm thinking about buying something very expensive. Maybe an antelope.
The girls stop as April approaches them, a pleasant smile on her face.
Hi.
Anya and Tara look at each other, unsure what to make of such forthrightness.
Hi.
I'm looking for Warren. Do you know where Warren is? And if you do, could you tell me?
I don't think we know a Warren.
Anya shakes her head.
Well, all righty. No harm in asking. Thanks!
She walks off, still smiling and approaches the next person she meets in the same way.
Hi, do you know Warren? I need to find him.
Uh, sorry.
Tara and Anya resume walking.
You can do all this stuff with a regular computer?
I'll show you. You can also see the web site I designed for the magick shop. Huge photo of me.
A raucous party is in full swing. Music, decorations, lots of drinks, lots of people moving around, talking. BEN stands by the punch bowl, chatting with a couple of people. Buffy and Xander are dancing.
How you doing? Having o' the fun?
You know, I am. Dancing with you is way better than trying to hook up with some good-looking guy.
I think I liked it better when you were kicking me in my puffy groin.
Pan over to Tara, WILLOW and Anya sipping punch and watching Xander and Buffy.
I let them do that. Dance together. That was me.
Very nice of you.
A good deed.
Yes. I'm expecting a big karmic reward any second now.
The song ends and Xander bows to Buffy.
Thank you.
As Xander walks off, Buffy spots Ben still standing by the punch bowl, talking to someone. The other person leaves and Ben looks around, uncomfortable.
Buffy walks over to him and leans against a nearby pillar, pretending not to see him. Ben turns toward her and notices her.
Buffy...
Ben! Hey. I didn't even know you were here. And again with the non-medical clothing.
Well, actually, these are orthopedic pants. (off her look) Man, that sounded so funny in my head.
Buffy laughs naturally, then completely over-compensates with a loud fake laugh. Ben is taken aback.
It's very, very funny. It's funny in my head, too.
You having a good time?
Yeah, I am. I was dancing earlier and, you know, my friends are here so... but I mean, not that it's all about me. Are you enjoying yourself?
I am now.
So... do you maybe... want to dance?
I'm not really good. You know, rhythm. (off her look) Sure. I'd love to. (re: his drink) Let me just dump this. I'll be right back.
Okay.
Ben moves off leaving Buffy by herself for the moment.
Xander and Anya investigate the munchies. Anya is amazed by the Chex Mix.
Look at these tiny grain patties. They're woven. That's craftsmanship.
They aren't hand-woven, you know.
Then how?
Well, it's a machine and it's... it sorta... it presses.
He's suddenly distracted by something across the room. Reveal April walking into the party, smiling happily.
And there may be a mold of some sort... who's that?
April looks around the room.
Warren?
One of the guys in the crowd looks up nervously. He's the WARREN that April is seeking.
Oh, that girl. Tara and I met her.
As Anya talks to Xander, Warren quickly slips away.
She speaks with a strange evenness and selects her words a shade too precisely.
Well, some of us like that kind of thing in a girl.
Anya smiles happily at him.
Warren?
Warren moves quickly through the crowd, taking his girlfriend KATRINA by the hand.
Hi, did you get me a drink?
We gotta go. She's going to see me.
She who? What's up, Warren?
It doesn't matter. Come on.
He pulls her toward the door.
April approaches random partygoers.
Is Warren here?
Willow walks up to Anya and Xander.
I thought you were getting the crunchies.
Xander got hypnotized by the strange girl. I am remaining calm, however.
No, I'm right with you. You don't know what you're talking about. (sotto; excited) Here she comes.
April approaches them, her smile plastered to her face.
I heard that Warren was here. Is Warren here?
Warren who?
He's... Warren and he's looking for me. He lost me.
She walks away as Tara comes back with punch.
It's that girl again. Is she still looking for Warren? Weird, it's been like all day.
There's something strange about her. She talks funny.
Some men find that appealing.
I just hope she finds him.
Somehow I don't think a girl that looks like that's going to be lonely for too long.
Willow looks at April appreciatively.
Definitely not.
Willow grins, then notices Tara, who frowns and folds her arms.
Oh, not me. I was just saying, a pretty girl like that, there's always someone lurking around, looking for some action.
Tara's not buying it. She shoots Willow a playfully nasty look.
Buffy stands alone, waiting for Ben to come back. Suddenly, SPIKE appears next to her. He smirks, looks her up and down, and just stands there until Buffy notices him.
Small world. (off her glare) Oh, dear. If looks could stake. You having fun, pet? You... trolling for your next ex? I gotta say, you can do better.
I told you, I wa--
Thought I was going to leave town? It's a free country. Free party. If you want me to leave, you can put your hands on my hot, tight little body and make me.
He leers suggestively at Buffy and she turns away, disgusted.
Get away from me.
Spike decides not to push it and saunters off as Ben comes back.
Was that guy bothering you? Should I offer to get inappropriately violent or something?
No.
Good, 'cause honestly, I don't want to.
Spike watches Buffy and Ben chatting from across the room, his jealously mounting.
So are you ready to dance?
First...
He holds up a small piece of paper.
What's that?
My phone number. I was going to try to subtly work it into the conversation but it didn't pan out and I thought I should try to give it to you before you see me dance.
He holds it out and Buffy takes it with a grin.
You know, in case you want to get coffee.
Thank you. I just... I think you should know that I... (sighs) I kind of have this bad history in which, you know, we go get coffee and, well, it all ends with you leaving town and you just got here and everything...
Apparently we'd be risking a tragic chain reaction but... I just really like coffee. I think coffee might be worth it. And I would like to get to know... coffee better.
Then I'll call you.
Annoyed, Spike walks off. He comes upon April talking to another girl.
Have you seen Warren?
No, sorry.
And who are you, darlin'?
I'm April.
Spike looks over at Buffy talking to Ben.
I'm looking for my fella.
Maybe you just found him.
Really? Where?
Spike grins, leans in, and whispers in her ear. April's smile disappears and she seizes Spike by the front of his shirt and lifts him over her head.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Buffy and Ben and the rest of the party-goers stare at April and Spike in amazement.
That would be wrong. You are not my boyfriend!
She hurls Spike through a picture window and out onto the lawn.
Resume. Spike stands up, broken glass falling all off of him. He looks around himself in disbelief than back inside at April, furious.
Bloody hell! You threw me through a window! What's that about?
You do not make those suggestions to me. I have a boyfriend. Warren is my boyfriend.
You know what? My bleeding sympathies to Warren.
Spike stalks off, seething. April turns away from the window and the onlookers move back a bit.
No one but Warren can touch me.
She starts to leave but Buffy intercepts her.
Excuse me. Hi. Maybe you and I could talk. You know, 'cause, throwing Spike through a window, (beat, smiles) well, that's really good... but, you know, generally speaking--
Do you know my boyfriend?
Okay. I think you need to take a second and stop looking for your boyfriend.
April seizes Buffy by the shoulders and hurls her backward. She lands hard on the floor and holds her arm in pain.
I have to find him.
April walks over to Buffy and smiles down at her.
If I hurt you just now, I'm sorry. And I hope that your boyfriend will take good care of you.
April leaves as Ben, Xander, Willow, Anya, and Tara rush over to Buffy.
Buffy paces, still clutching her arm in pain. The gang is gathered around her, concerned.
Ow. I don't know about you guys but I've had it with super- strong little women who aren't me.
Well, at least she didn't do too much damage.
Are you kidding? Double-glazed windows ain't cheap. And the jamb needs to be completely repaired. (beat) Oh, dear god, I'm the grownup who sees the world through my job. I'm like my Uncle Dave, the plumber. I must be shunned.
Okay.
So what do you guys think she is? I mean, this may sound nuts but I kinda got the impression that she was a--
Robot.
Everyone nods in complete agreement.
Oh yeah. Robot.
Yeah, I was going to say robot. What do you think she wants?
Warren. Whoever that is.
It's gotta be the guy that built her.
It's an unusual name. There's hardly any except... Warren Beatty and, you know, President Harding. It's probably not either of them.
Will, can you track down this guy with only a first name?
Given enough time. I can get a list of the Sunnydale students named Warren tonight but... then we'll have to call them or go to their dorms, so we probably can't start narrowing it down till tomorrow.
She could do a lot of damage by then.
To who? Spike? See how vigorously I don't care. She was looking for this Warren but it didn't sound like she wanted to hurt him. She said he's her boyfriend.
I agree. I'm not sure this is a Code Red. Hey, is there a Code Pink? We need more codes.
Okay. We'll track down Warren tomorrow. Tonight I better go rescue Giles. He's been watching Dawn while my mom's out on her date and I have a feeling there's only so much he can take.
Oh, Giles and Dawnie? I bet they ended up having a blast.
Giles stands with Buffy at the front door, happy to be leaving for the night.
Dear god, Buffy, there's only so much I can take. We're going to have to change the system. A fourteen-year-old's too old to be babysat and it's not fair on her.
What'd she make you do?
Well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance... then we ate cookie dough and talked about boys.
I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry... but if it makes you feel any better, my "fun time Buffy party night" involved watching a robot throw Spike through a window, so if you want to trade... (beat) No, wait... I wouldn't give that memory up for anything.
A robot? Sounds interesting.
We're going to work on it in the morning. I mean, unless you want to stay for a while and then you and I could--
Joyce appears behind Giles, arriving home with an elated smile.
Who wants to hear everything?
--listen to my mom talk about boys.
Right, must go. See you tomorrow. Bye, Joyce.
Bye, Rupert.
Joyce closes the door behind Giles, then turns and gives Buffy a huge smile.
Gosh, I'd forgotten how much fun dating can be.
I don't know. I was standing right here. I didn't see Prince Charming. I didn't even see a goodnight kiss.
Joyce smiles and walks past Buffy to put her purse down.
It all looked pretty tame to me.
Well, I suppose by your standards it could seem pretty... (beat) Oh, dear...
What?
I left my bra in his car.
Buffy's eyes go wide, horrified.
Mother!
I'm joking.
Good god, that's horrible. Don't do that.
I left it in the restaurant.
Buffy puts her hands over her ears and starts running up the stairs.
No more! No more! No more!
On the dessert cart!
I can't hear you!
April stands on the front porch of a house, knocking on the door. The porch light comes on and a very sleepy man opens the door.
Yeah? What?
Hi! Does Warren live here?
What the hell... what are you doing? It's 3:30!
Yes, it is! Does Warren live here?
The guy shoots her an angry look and slams the door in her face.
Okay, then. Bye.
She walks down the steps, across the lawn, and over to the next house on the street. She knocks on that door as well.
Buffy and the gang are gathered around Willow while she performs her computer magic.
And you're certain she was a robot?
Absolutely.
Well, she practically had "Genuine Molded Plastic" stamped on her ass. (off Willow's shocked look) Just tryin' a little spicy talk.
She was looking for someone named Warren.
Willow's already checked the Sunnydale enrollment.
And got nothin'. I found one Warren but he moved out of the country a year ago. I'm checking nearby schools.
Whoever he is, he knows his stuff. That girl, well... that was a nice-looking girl.
It's okay for him to say that because I know that he really loves me only.
Xander smiles and takes Anya's hand.
Is there something the rest of us could be doing?
What can we do?
Oh, do you have any books on robots?
Oh, yes, dozens. There's an enormous amount of research we should do before... no, I'm lying. I haven't got squat. I just like to see Xander squirm.
Funny. Charming and funny.
Hey! I think I found him. A Warren Mears. He went to Sunnydale High with us for a semester and then he went to the tech college over in Dutton. I've got a local address where his folks still live.
She writes it down for Buffy.
He's probably home for spring break.
Well, I'll go talk to him.
No, wait. We don't know what you're walking into. We have no idea what his motive is for building this thing.
Um... don't you think she's just...
Yeah, she's just sort of a...
She's a sexbot. (to Giles) I mean, what guy doesn't dream about that?
Disgusted, Giles goes to help a customer.
Beautiful girl with no other thought but to please you... willing to do anything...
He comes out of his reverie to find Buffy, Tara, Anya and Willow staring at him like he's a particularly vile type of mold. He laughs nervously.
Too many girls. I miss Oz. He'd get it. He wouldn't say anything but... he'd get it.
Why would anyone do that if they could have a real live person?
Maybe he couldn't. Find a real person.
Oh, come on. The guy's just a big wedge of sleaze. Don't make excuses for him.
Giles finishes helping the customer and returns to the table.
I'm not. I'm just saying people get lonely and maybe having someone around, even someone you made up... maybe it's easier.
But it's so weird. I mean, everyone wants a nice normal person to share with but this guy, if he couldn't find that, I guess it's... kinda sad.
Buffy looks away, feeling the sting of their words.
Buffy enters the workout room, looking down at the piece of paper with Ben's phone number on it. She sighs, picks up the phone, puts it down, picks it up again.
GLORY gasps, struggling for breath, a light sheen of sweat on her forehead. The phone begins to ring as Glory's face and body suddenly shift and she becomes Ben. He gasps, trying to catch his breath just like Glory was. He looks around, confused for a moment, then picks up the phone.
Hello?
Hey. Ben. It's Buffy. Is this a bad time? I know it's kinda early.
No, I just... I just got in is all. Night shift at the hospital. I'm glad you called.
Well, I found your number in my pocket and, you know, figured I'd pick up the phone a couple of times and then hang up and then finally call and see if maybe you wanted to get that cup of coffee or...
Yeah... yes. Coffee would be great. Tomorrow night? Sure. Bye.
He hangs up the phone, smiling, then puts his hands on his hips, frowns and looks down at himself.
Wide shot of Ben standing in the middle of the bedroom wearing a short, strapless, skin-tight red dress.
Fine.
Warren stuffs piles of clothing into a bag as Katrina anxiously watches.
But we just got here. If you don't want to be here, why didn't we just stay in Dutton? Or we could have gone to my sister's.
Katrina, I don't want to hear about your sister's place again. Pack your stuff now.
Why the rush? It's real early. Are we even going to say goodbye to your mom?
You can call her.
Warren. Is something going on you don't want me to see?
Katrina, if you don't want to pack, that's fine. We can buy new stuff. Now let's just go!
He grabs the bag and Katrina's hand and pulls her toward the front door.
Warren opens the door to find Buffy standing on the porch with her fist raised to knock.
I have to talk to you.
Who's this?
Is this about her?
Yes.
Her who? Warren, something's going on here. Strange girls--
Katrina, please be quiet, okay? This is important. Wait in the kitchen.
And I'm not important? Warren, just tell her to go away.
I can't.
You're keeping secrets from me. Other girls and who knows what else?
Trina, shut up.
That's it. Forget it, Warren. I'm gone.
She pushes past Buffy and leaves.
No, Katrina! Ahhh...
Buffy shrugs and walks inside.
My name is Buffy Summers. We were at Sunnydale High together. Do you know who I am?
Yes, I know. April... did she hurt someone?
Not yet. (beat) Well, no one that matters.
She's looking for me. You know, she followed me here.
Okay, kind of figured that out.
No, there's more. There's something you need to know about her.
I know.
No, wait, this is important.
Believe me, I worked it out.
No, this is something that you can't possibly know.
Buffy folds her arms and nods for him to continue. Warren takes a deep breath and looks at Buffy gravely.
She's a robot.
Buffy looks at him, bored with this.
Uh-huh.
Willow, Dawn, Tara and Xander come out of the training room and into the store proper.
A robot? Really? Was it Ted? 'Cause I always said there could have been more than one of him.
Nope, whole new robot. This one was a girl.
Buffy's busy tracking down the guy that made her so I'll drop you off at school and if she's not finished, then--
Xander opens the front door and Spike charges through, covered by a flaming blanket.
Coming through! Coming through.
Everyone jumps backward as he barrels into the store. Giles and Anya rush forward as Spike drops the blanket on the floor and stomps out the fire.
Fire! Fire!
The others stare at the vampire in amazed shock as Giles steps forward.
Hello, all. What's going on then?
Spike, you're not welcome here.
Yeah, and by the way, we're working on a way to de-invite you from here. (off his look) Even if it is a public place.
Nah, forget it. Letting him in is good, 'cause then we get to toss him out.
Oh, can we throw him out the window like the robot did? 'Cause that was neat.
Robot? That's what she was? Knew something wasn't right. (to Dawn) Hey. Someone's glad to see me, aren't you, lil' bit?
Stay away from me.
Tara steps in front of Dawn protectively and crosses her arms.
I think you better go.
Okay now, I was afraid of this. Misrepresentations, misunderstandings, slurs and allegations. I don't know what Buffy told you but the thing is, the Slayer and I worked together, side by side, to get rid of Dru who was up to no good. And I don't mind telling you--
Giles steps up to Spike with quiet menace.
Spike... listen to me.
It's just... I'm trying to explain. She might have said some things that sounded like I expressed some kind of feeling--
Giles shoves Spike backward into a bookshelf.
We are not your friends. We are not your way to Buffy. There is no way to Buffy.
Giles picks up the charred blanket and slams it into Spike's chest. He leans in close and looks Spike in the eye.
Clear out of here. And Spike... this thing? Get over it.
Spike stares at Giles for a moment, then his lip curls in a sneer.
I don't know what you mean.
Yes, you do. Move the hell on.
Spike takes in the group, one by one, receiving nothing but cold stares all around. He finally puts the blanket over his head and exits.
April approaches a group of four young men sitting at a table.
I'm looking for my boyfriend Warren.
What?
He comes from here and I need him. But... it's confusing and I've already walked a really long way. I'm sure he's nearby.
Oh, Warren! You're looking for Warren?
Yes! Do you know him? Do you know where he is?
Man, let me think.
Please think.
Geez, this is too bad. You just missed him.
Yes? Where did he go?
Warren? He headed out. (points) That way. Hurry, you might catch him.
Oh, thank you. I was getting very tired. Thank you.
She hurries off and the guys watch her go appreciatively.
Who's Warren?
Hell if I know.
They all laugh, enjoying the joke.
Buffy sits on the sofa while Warren paces.
So you have girl troubles. They're not talking to you, you're not gettin' dates... you start thinking, "Hey, this isn't fair."
Yeah, I mean, I felt like I deserved to have someone. You know, everyone deserves to have someone.
So naturally you turned to manufacturing.
Kinda.
And how long did it take to build yourself that little toy?
Oh, no, she's not a toy. I mean, I know what you're thinking but she's more than that.
I'm sure she has many exciting labor-saving attachments.
No, I made her to love me. I mean, she cares about what I care about and she wants to be with me. She listens to me and supports me. I didn't make a toy. I made a girlfriend.
A girlfriend. Are you saying... are you in love with her?
I really thought I would be. I mean, she's perfect. I don't know, I... I guess it was too easy and predictable. You know, she got boring. She was exactly what I wanted and I didn't want her. I thought I was going crazy.
Really? You?
Then something happened. Katrina was in my engineering seminar and she was really funny and cool. You know, she was always giving me a hard time. Real... unpredictable. She builds these little model monorails that run with magnets and... (beat) Anyway, I fell in love with Katrina.
Swell. Romance and magnetic trains. But first you decided to take April out of the box, play with her for five minutes, and then what? You got bored, decided to dump her, tell her to go away?
Kinda.
And she got mad. She didn't go, huh?
Okay, I didn't really dump her as much as I went out and didn't come back. I left her. I left her in my dorm room.
You left her in your dorm room?
Well, I figured I could just kinda get away until her batteries gave out. Which should have been days ago.
Did you even tell her? I mean, did you even give her a chance to fix what was wrong?
I didn't need to fix anything. I mean, her batteries were supposed to run down. Really, they should be completely dead by now.
So why aren't they?
I don't know. I mean, maybe... she must be recharging them somehow.
Warren, this is important. Is she dangerous?
She's only programmed to be in love.
Then she's dangerous. Do you have any idea how to find her?
Well, she's looking for me, so my guess is she's probably pretty close.
April intercepts Katrina who is still fuming from her argument with Warren.
Hi!
Katrina stares, then tries to move around April. April blocks her path.
Do you know where Warren is? I need to get to Warren.
This is getting insane. How many of you are there?
There's only me. April.
April. Fine. (angry) Listen up, April. Warren is my boyfriend. Mine. And you others probably oughta figure that out.
April seizes Katrina by the arm.
Ow. Ow! Let go!
Don't go. You have to stay and tell the truth.
April pulls Katrina toward her, turns her around and wraps her arms around Katrina. She locks her hands together over Katrina's stomach and squeezes. Katrina gasps for air.
You're lying. He cannot be your boyfriend. Say that he's my boyfriend.
I can't... I can't breathe. Let go!
You have to stop lying.
Katrina starts to pass out.
Spike dismantles his Buffy Shrine and angrily throws the pictures into a cardboard box. He grabs the blonde wig off of the mannequin and tosses it-- along with Buffy's blue cashmere sweater-- into the box as well.
Bloody right, I'll move on.
Buffy and Warren walk along the street. Warren periodically calls out to April.
April! April, are you there? (to Buffy) If the batteries are still working and she hears my voice, then she'll answer.
She's voice-activated?
Well, I made it so that if she heard me and she didn't answer, it causes this kind of feedback.
Wait... if you call her and she doesn't answer, it hurts her? You're one creepy little dweeb, Warren.
April!
April hears Warren's voice and instantly responds.
Warren!
Buffy and Warren turn and their eyes widen in shock.
April.
Reveal April in the playground, holding Katrina off the ground by the neck. Katrina looks dead.
Where have you been? I couldn't find you and this girl kept lying to me and... then she went to sleep.
Resume.
April, what did you do?
Please don't be angry, Warren. I'm trying very hard to make you happy.
April. I want you to put the girl down.
Warren? What should I do?
Warren hesitates.
Talk to her!
Pu-put her down!
Okay.
This is Buffy. Give Katrina to Buffy.
April lowers Katrina. Buffy and Warren carry Katrina to a nearby bench and lie her down.
Is she broken?
Buffy feels Katrina's neck for a pulse.
She's alive.
Warren, honey, what's going on? Why did you go away? Is it a game?
No. No, this isn't a game.
Did I do something wrong? I waited a long time and you never came back. A long time. I made you five sweaters.
That's great. You could go back and get them. So you could wait there and--
Warren! You have to tell her. And do it right.
What is she saying, Warren? What do you need to tell me?
April, I made a mistake.
You can't make mistakes.
No, I did.
APRIL'S POV: Warren's face floats in a circle in the middle of a screen of flowing hierarchical menus.
I thought that I made you everything that I wanted but it wasn't really what I wanted. I'm sorry, but it's over.
But... I can be whatever you want. I love you. I'll do whatever you want. Would you like a neck rub?
She moves forward reaching for Warren's neck and he backs off.
No, hey, no. See, I know that you love me but the truth is, I can't love you. I mean, it's not your fault but... I don't love you.
APRIL'S POV: The display blurs for a moment, then reappears with the locate_warren list. A red dot appears on the image of Warren's face and at the bottom of the screen in red letters the words COMBAT MODE ENABLED flash urgently. The display turns green and a shrill alarm begins to sound. Warren's face in the center of the display looks fearful.
I love her!
He quickly dives out of her way and April focuses on Buffy behind him, sitting on the bench.
An inhuman growl emanates from within April.
She growls? You made her so she growls?
Well...
April grabs Buffy and hurls her across the playground. She lands on the grass and stands up as April approaches.
April takes the see-saw and rips it in half. She swings the huge piece of wood at Buffy, who manages to grab onto it and they grapple. Buffy kicks April in the gut and she stumbles backward releasing the wooden beam. Buffy swings it at April who ducks out of the way. The wood slams down on the bench, awaking Katrina,
who sits up, aching and confused. Buffy swings again and connects with April's abdomen, tearing away her dress and exposing the complex circuitry within.
What's going on?
No, no, Trina. Get away.
Katrina gets up and backs away from the fight.
Buffy swings the beam at April again and she grabs it, yanks it out of Buffy's hands, tosses it aside and punches Buffy, hard. Buffy flies backward and flips onto her back and up to her feet again in one fluid movement. She ducks a punch and lands one of her own on April.
What is... what... that's a robot!
She wasn't just for sex.
Is that... is that your ex-girlfriend?
No! Get the hell away from me!
Katrina runs off and Warren dashes after her.
Buffy kicks April, who falls down in the sand next to the swing set. Buffy takes the swing chains and uses them for support while she kicks April in the face, then hits her with the swing itself. Unfazed, April seizes Buffy by the throat and lifts her off the ground as Buffy struggles and gasps for air.
You took my man. I'm going to kill you. I'm going to... I can't... can't crush! So... tired.
April lets go of Buffy, who coughs and gasps for air.
Warren? Where are you? What's happening to me?
Her hand slowly drops to her side with the sound of a machine powering down. Buffy watches with wonder.
Later. Buffy and April sit on the swings, side by side. The swing chain is the only thing holding April upright.
Can you cry? Sometimes I feel better when I cry. But... there might be rust issues.
Crying is blackmail. Good girlfriends don't cry.
Oh.
I rechecked everything. I did everything I was supposed to do. I was a good girlfriend.
I'm sure you were.
I'm only supposed to love him. If I can't do that, what am I for? What do I exist for?
I don't know. It isn't fair. He wasn't fair to you.
It's getting dark.
Buffy looks around at the park bathed in sunlight.
It's so early to be dark.
Yeah.
What if he comes back and he can't find me in the dark?
I'm here. I'll make sure that he finds you.
Maybe this is a girlfriend test. If I wait here patiently this time, he'll come back.
I'm sure he will. And he'll... he'll tell you how sorry he is. (beat) You know, he told me how proud he was of you and how impressed he was with how much you loved him and how you tried to help him. He didn't mean to hurt you.
He's going to take me home and things will be right again.
It'll be fine.
April's words start to slur and slow as her batteries drain.
When things are sad, you just have to be patient. Because... because every... cloud has a silver lining. And... when life... gives you lemons... make... lemonade.
Clouds and lemonade, huh?
Yes. And... and... things are... always... darkest... before...
She stops, frozen with a smile on her face, her eyes open but seeing nothing. Buffy looks down pensively.
Xander fixes the window shattered by Spike. He pushes small chips of wood beneath the bottom of the new window.
See, you construct the wood jamb and frame the glass into it and that's what you set into the opening.
Yeah?
One of the cool things about that, you see is the jamb can be shimmed to be square, even if the opening isn't.
Shimmed? Is that even a real word? Do you have any idea what you're talking about?
Yeah, I do. (smiles) Scary, isn't it? I think I've actually turned into someone you want around after a crazed robot attack.
And if you ever start your own business, you have your slogan right there. (beat) And she wasn't crazed.
Yeah?
She devoted everything to making this one person happy. And then it was like, with him gone, there was just... no reason for her to exist any more.
Robots are the strangest people.
No, people are the strangest people. I mean, look at me obsessing about being with someone. It's like I don't need a guy right now. I need me. I need to get comfortable being alone with Buffy.
Well, I'll say this: she's a pretty cool person to be alone with.
Thank you.
Xander turns back to his work as Buffy takes out the piece of paper with Ben's phone number on it.
Later. Xander still works on the window while Buffy talks on a pay phone.
Hi, it's Buffy. I hope this is your machine. There wasn't a message. Anyway, about coffee. I just... I don't think this is the best time for me to be drinking...
Buffy's voice comes from the answering machine on the bedside table.
...coffee. I'm sorry. And... bye.
Pan across to Glory, listening in confusion.
What the hell?
JINX appears behind her.
If I may, your inconceivableness, it sounds to these humble ears like our Ben tried to make a date with the Slayer.
A date with the Slayer? No. No, he is planning something. He's working against me.
Glory frowns and looks down at the answering machine.
She turned us down?
Warren talks on the cordless phone while packing.
Trina, no, wait, listen, listen, I'm so sorry. I guess I asked-- no, no, just give me a chance to explain. I... yes! No, but she-- no, no, listen, listen, I'll do anything, just-- no, no, don't hang up!
He sighs and hangs up the phone, then gasps in shock as he turns to find Spike standing behind him, holding his box full of Buffy stuff.
How'd you get in here?
Your mum let me in. I'm placing an order.
Oh, no. I'm not making any more girls.
Sure you are.
He shoves the box into Warren's hands.
Here's your specs. You're going to make her real good for me.
Buffy walks in, calling out cheerfully.
Hey, Mom.
She turns to find a vase of flowers on the table beside the door.
Oh!
She opens the card which reads:
Thank you for a lovely evening. See you soon? Brian.Still a couple of guys gettin' it right.
She puts down her jacket and turns to call up the stairs.
Hey! Flower-gettin' lady. Want me to pick Dawn up from school?
Buffy frowns and looks down the hall toward the kitchen.
Mom?
She turns and looks in the living room. Her mother is lying on the couch.
What are you doing?
She walks into the living room, then stops cold.
Joyce lies on her back on the sofa. One arm hangs loosely over the edge of the sofa. Her eyes are open, staring sightlessly at the ceiling. Dead eyes.
Buffy's voice trembles, the voice of a little girl lost.
Mom? Mom... Mommy?