[Transcript of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" episode Intervention at buffyology.com.]
GILES helps BUFFY and DAWN do the dishes.
Giles, you don't have to help. You cooked.
Oh, come on. I quite like to cook. Helping you two out makes me feel useful.
Want to clean out the garage on Saturday? You could feel indispensable.
Hmm... how tempting.
Dawn, if there are any plates in your room, let's have them before they get furry and we have to name them.
Hey, I was like five then.
Dawn walks off into the next room. Giles looks after her, then turns to Buffy.
How's she doing?
Buffy shrugs.
And you?
I'm okay. Some minutes are harder than others.
I'm so sorry. All I can say is that it will get better.
It has to. We're holding up though, you know. Getting into a routine.
Good. Routine is good. In fact, I was thinking that we might return to our training schedule.
Buffy looks uncertain.
I don't know. I was thinking about maybe taking a break or something.
She puts down the dish towel and heads into the living room. After a moment, Giles follows.
Just ease off for a while, not get into full slay mode.
You were doing so well.
And you were great, helping me with everything. I'm just starting to feel... uneasy about stuff.
Stuff?
Training. Slaying. All of it. It's just... I can beat up demons until the cows come home and then I can beat up the cows but I'm not sure I like what it's doing to me.
But you've mastered so much. I mean, your strength and resilience alone--
Yeah. Strength and resilience... those are all words for hardness. I'm starting to feel like being the Slayer is turning me into stone.
Turning you into stone? Buffy...
Think about it. I was never there for Riley, not like I was for Angel. I was terrible to Dawn.
At a time like this--
No.
You're bound to feel emotionally numb.
Before that. Riley left because I was shut down. He's gone... and now my mom is gone and I loved her more than anything and... I don't know if she knew.
Oh, she knew. Always.
I don't know. To slay, to kill... it means being hard on the inside. Maybe being the perfect Slayer means being too hard to love at all. I already feel like I can hardly say the words.
Buffy...
Giles! I love you. Love... love, love, love, love. Giles, it feels strange.
Well, I shouldn't wonder. How serious are you about this?
Ten. I'm serious in the amount of ten.
There is something-- in the Watchers' Diaries-- a quest.
A quest? Like finding a grail or something?
Not a grail. Maybe answers. It would take a day, perhaps two.
I'm not leaving Dawn. Not with Glory looking for her.
Dawn walks in smiling.
Sure you can. What's the deal?
A quest. Some Slayers before Buffy found it helpful in regaining their focus, learning more about their role. There's a sacred place in the desert. It's not far.
But I can't go. I'm not leaving you, Dawn.
If you have to go learn... I mean, if it'll help you out, I think you should do it. I can hang with the gang. I'll be okay.
Buffy looks at Giles, then back to Dawn. She suddenly puts her arm around her sister.
I love you, Dawn. You know that, right?
Yeah. I love you, too.
I love you. Really love you.
Getting weird.
Sorry. But it's important that I tell you. Weird love's better than no love.
She hugs Dawn tight.
SPIKE and WARREN inspect Warren's latest creation: a robot replica of Buffy. The BUFFYBOT stands motionless, eyes closed, in the center of the room.
Some say it's better than the real thing.
Better than the real thing.
She looks good but what about the rest? A little walk, a little talk... perhaps a zippy cartwheel.
Hey, she's great. You'll be real happy, I swear. She's got everything you asked for, all the extra programming. Tons of real- world knowledge, the profiles you gave me about her family and friends--
All the extra programming, right?
The stuff that you wanted. The scenario responses... you know, the special skills. (laughs) All of it. Now you said that I could leave town--
Spike grabs Warren before he can bolt out the door.
Wait. I'm not sure I'm a satisfied customer. She looks a little shiny to me. You know, a touch of plasticene...
The Buffybot's eyes suddenly open and when she sees Spike, she smiles gleefully.
Spike? Oh, Spike!
It runs forward and kisses Spike passionately as Warren runs out the door. Spike breaks the kiss, flushed with excitement.
She'll do.
Opening credit sequence.
GLORY lies on the sofa surrounded by JINX, MURK and the rest of her decaying minions.
He's getting stronger. I'm losing him. I'm losing control of him.
You are speaking of Ben, most glamorous and tasteful one?
He stabbed you in your body.
Jinx is all right, your highness, and we do have the new knowledge that the Key is a human being.
If time runs out on us and all we're left with is info-- then we're screwed.
Oh, surely not.
No, we're screwed!
But you are a god! The sacred Glorificus.
I'm a god in exile... far from the hellfires of home and sharing my body with an enemy that stabs my boys in their fleshy little stomachs.
She pokes Jinx in the gut and he winces in pain.
Ah! I'm in pain.
How can we help? We'll lay down our lives.
The Slayer and the Key are connected. She's going to have contact with it. Find out who's new in her life, who's special, who's different. Watch her.
We can do that, oh... thou.
I want to hear about everyone she has contact with! That girl has my Key and I'm trusting you boys to get it for me. If you love me... get it for me.
Waves of heat ripple off the sand as Giles' red BMW drives into frame. It pulls to a stop and Buffy and Giles get out. Giles goes to the trunk and opens it.
What's in the trunk?
Supplies.
Supplies? I was wondering about that. Like food, water... maybe a compass.
How about a book, a gourd, and a bunch of twigs?
I don't think I'll be that hungry.
They're for me. This way.
Giles leads and Buffy follows.
You see, the location of the sacred place is a guarded secret. I can't take you there myself. I'll have to perform a ritual to transfer my guardianship of you-- temporarily-- to a guide.
He comes to a stop.
This'll do.
A guide but no food or water? So it leads me to the sacred place and then a week later, it leads you to my bleached bones?
Buffy, please. It takes more than a week to bleach bones.
Giles kneels down and arranges the twigs in a circle.
So how's it start?
I jump out of the circle, then I jump back in it, then I... (sheepish) shake my gourd.
I know this ritual! The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the hokey-pokey and turn themselves around.
Giles shoots her a withering look.
Go quest.
With a sigh, Giles starts the ritual. While Buffy watches, he hops out of the circle, back into it, and shakes the gourd.
And that's what it's all about.
Spike is squared off against the Buffybot, sparring.
What are you searching for, Slayer? A weak spot? Try me.
The Buffybot raises a stake and lunges at him. Spike easily blocks and wraps her up in his arms. She pants with excitement.
Is that your best, Slayer?
No.
Why not?
I want to hurt you but I can't resist the sinister attraction of your cold and muscular body.
Maybe I should repay you for your gentleness. Maybe I should let you go?
No! No, Spike. Never let me go.
You know you should be afraid of me. I'm bad.
You are. You're very, very bad.
She flips Spike across the room and onto the bed, then leaps on top of him, the point of her stake poised over his heart.
Are you gonna do it that way?
No.
She rips his shirt off then presses the point of the wood against his bare flesh.
This way.
You can't do it.
I could never do it. I'm helpless against you, you fiend.
Spike flips her off onto the floor, then rolls on top of her, pinning her arms. He kisses the robot passionately.
Buffy...
Giles sits in the center of the mystical circle, reading and chanting the Swahili incantation from the spell book.
Buffy walking alone in the desert, waiting for her guide. She stops and turns to find a mountain lion sitting silently, watching her from about 20 feet away.
Hello, kitty.
The great cat gets up and walks away. Buffy follows.
Later. The mountain lion leads Buffy to a high dune overlooking the desert floor. The sun is low on the horizon, saturating the landscape in hues of red and orange. The wind howls a mournful tune. Buffy sits on a boulder and looks out over the vast wasteland.
This is the site of Buffy's dream encounter with Sineya, the first Slayer. Buffy recognizes it.
I know this place.
TARA closes the front door and turns to Xander.
Okay, warning spell's all set.
So that's it? We're all protected up for the night?
Well, it's probably not as good as Willow could do. She's a natural with magick. In just the time I've known her, she's already blown right past me.
ANYA sits on the couch with Dawn, taking off her earrings. She sets them on the end table next to her.
So when the whiz kid gets back from chem lab, can you have her, you know, bulk up the spell a little? If you want, maybe while Anya and I go do a quick patrol.
Tara nods.
I don't see why we have to patrol just 'cause Buffy's away. I mean, I'd rather stay home and watch television.
Anya gets up and goes over to Xander. Dawn surreptitiously eyes Anya's earrings on the table.
Oh, yeah! Willow wants to watch this thing on the History Channel tonight. Salem Witch Trial stuff-- which is only going to get her all upset.
I was there. It really wasn't that bad. See, if you were really a witch, you'd do a spell to escape. So really it was only bad for the falsely-accused and, well, they never have a good time.
While the other's aren't looking, Dawn gets up and scoops Anya's earrings off the table and slips them into her pocket. Then she turns around, smiling.
So, guys, if this is a real slumber party, where's the pizza?
CU: the apartment window: one of Glory's minions peers in at Buffy's friends.
Spike and the Buffybot lie naked on the floor, having just made love. Spike strokes her hair.
You're evil.
And that excites you?
It excites me. It terrifies me. I try so hard to resist you and I can't.
Yeah?
Darn your sinister attraction.
Are you afraid of me?
Yes!
You know I can't bite you.
I think you can. I think you can if I let you. And I want to let you. I want you to bite me and devour me until there's no more.
Like this?
He lowers his lips to her neck and kisses it.
Oh, Spike! Devour me!
All right!
I can't help myself. I love you.
Spike moves on top of her, excited.
You're mine, Buffy.
Should I start this program over?
No programs. Don't use that word. Just be Buffy.
The Buffybot smiles up at him in adoration.
The class lets out and Willow exits, talking to her lab partner.
It's got last week's notes, too. Just get it back to me by Thursday. And don't write in it or put a coffee mug down on it or anything. (beat) And don't spill, okay? (beat) And don't fold the page corners down. Bye!
Willow heads off down the street, not noticing the robed minion following her in the shadows.
Spike sleeps. The Buffybot gets dressed and slips into her leather jacket.
Time to slay. Vampires of the world, be-ware!
She heads out, leaving Spike mumbling to himself in his sleep.
Giles leans against his car, sipping some hot tea and looking up at the stars.
Buffy still sits on the boulder, trying to keep from nodding off.
The Buffybot walks among the gravestones, nonchalantly twirling her stake. Anya and Xander round the corner, on patrol, and the robot greets them cheerily.
Hey, there!
Buffy...
Xander.
BUFFYBOT POV: A matrix of computer commands and icons is superimposed over the robot's perception of Xander. Xander's profile appears at the bottom of the screen.
And... Anya
BUFFYBOT POV: The same computer matrix and profile appears for Anya.
How is your money?
Anya is delighted.
Fine! Thank you for asking.
Isn't it a beautiful night for killing evil things?
I guess...
You're back very early.
Yeah, how was the whole vision quest experience?
I don't understand that question but thank you for asking! You're my friend and a carpenter.
Are you all right? You're all--
Suddenly Spike charges out of the shadows, out of breath.
Hey! Wait up!
The Buffybot is ecstatic to see him.
Spike! (to Xander) It's Spike and he's wearing a coat!
Yes, well, hello all.
The Buffybot takes Spike's hand and he quickly pulls away.
Buffy's back early, I see. Lots of patrolling all around tonight then, is it?
The Buffybot links her arm with Spike's affectionately. He jerks back as if she has hurt him.
Ow! Hey, give a fella a break there, Slayer. I'm glad you're all here 'cause... the place is crawling with vamps tonight... tons of them. I think we ought to split up.
We haven't seen any vamps. Are you sure there's--
Xander turns to see three vampires emerge from the trees and charge them.
You're right.
Yep, guess so.
The vampires attack. The Buffybot takes one, Spike another and Anya and Xander the third.
Xander fights the creature while Anya runs around trying to find an opening to stake it.
The Buffybot easily beats down her vampire but she's more concerned with Spike's safety.
Spike! Be careful!
Glory's minions lurk nearby, watching everything.
Xander falls to the ground, the vampire on top of him. He manages to get his feet between himself and the demon and kicks it up and off him, right into Anya's stake. She jerks back as the vampire disintegrates.
The Buffybot pounds her vampire to the ground and turns to the one fighting with Spike.
No! Get away from him!
Her vampire gets up to attack again and she stakes it offhandedly, her attention focused on Spike who has the third vampire pinned on its knees in front of him. The Buffybot tosses the stake to Spike and he sinks it into the creatures back.
Spike and the Buffybot walk over to Anya who helps Xander to his feet.
I think that was probably the big action for the night. You two can tot along home if you want.
Xander ignores him and looks to the Buffybot.
Buffy?
Yes. Spike and I will do it alone. You guys head home.
Xander and Anya nod and head off. When they're gone, the Buffybot squirms uncomfortably.
I don't understand this. I did the slaying. I should be--
Satisfied?
But I'm not. I'm all... my skin is all hot. Do I look hot to you?
Always.
You better feel me to make sure.
I can do that.
They wrap each other up in a passionate kiss.
Anya and Xander. She coughs and wheezes as they walk home.
I breathed in a quart of vampire dust. That can't be good.
I wish Giles had told us they were back from the desert. I wish I knew what went on there.
Oh, you know... Slayer/Watcher stuff. Probably some silly ritual with an enchanted prairie dog or something.
Whatever it was, I think she's still a little spacey.
She fought okay.
Yeah. (beat) Hey, she never asked about Dawn.
That's true.
Something's wrong.
A breathy moan draws their attention back toward the scene of the fight.
I hear something.
Shhh...
Anya and Xander peer through the trees to see Spike on his back and the Buffybot on top of him, straddling him and thrusting up and down. She moans with pleasure.
Oh, Spike! You're the big bad. You're the big bad!
Xander can't believe his eyes. He recoils in shock at the sight of Buffy having sex with Spike.
Willow and Tara watch television together.
Those darned Salem judges with their less-Satanic-than-thou attitudes...
Oh, honey, let's change it. The Discovery Channel has koala bears.
The door opens and Xander and Anya enter, flustered.
Where's Dawn?
She's in the bedroom. She fell asleep.
Good.
What's going on?
Buffy's gone insane.
What? What'd she do?
Brace yourself. You're not going to believe it.
Everyone, before we jump all over her, people do strange things when someone they love dies. When I lost my mother, I did some pretty dumb stuff, like lying to my family and staying out all night.
Buffy's boinking Spike.
Tara and Willow are momentarily speechless.
Oh... well, Tara's right. Grief can be powerful and we shouldn't judge--
What? Are you kidding? She's nuts!
Well, it's not healthy. We're all agreeing there.
What can we do?
Sometimes in the movies, when they go crazy, they slap 'em.
I'm going to go find her and talk to her. If she's losing it, we gotta help her before she gets herself hurt.
You aren't really going to slap her, are you?
No, but if I have to see her straddle Spike again, I will definitely knock myself unconscious.
Buffy is asleep on the boulder. A blazing pyre illuminates the scene. She suddenly starts awake, alarmed by the mysterious appearance of the fire.
Hello? Who's there?
A familiar shape dodges back and forth between the flames on the opposite side of the fire.
Spike leans against the wall, cigarette dangling from his lips, staring into space.
A rattling sound. Someone tries to force the lock on the crypt door. The Buffybot rises into frame from her kneeling position in front of Spike. Spike quickly zips his pants.
Who's that?
Spike points to the crypt's sub-level.
Down there. And no matter what, don't come out till I get you, okay?
Okay!
She descends out of sight just as Xander pops the lock and enters.
Oh... it's you.
I saw you... in the cemetery with Buffy.
Yeah? Can't see how it's any business of yours.
It is my business because Buffy's my friend and she's gone through some stuff lately that... well, it's affected her and you're taking advantage of her.
She's upset about her mum and if she turns to me for comfort... well, I'm not going to deny it to her. I'm not a monster.
Yes! You are a monster. Vampires are monsters. They make monster movies about them.
Well, yeah. You got me there.
Xander seizes Spike and slams him against the wall.
Spike! Buffy has lots of friends and we love her very much and we'll do whatever it takes to protect her. Now if that means killing you, well, that's just a bonus.
The door suddenly opens and Jinx enters, followed by all of Glory's minions.
Gentlemen, I'm so sorry to intrude but I wonder if I might beg a moment of your time?
Friends of yours?
Jinx gut punches Xander.
Guess not.
Spike attacks Jinx as Xander gets up and joins in the fray. They fight furiously but there are too many minions. Xander is knocked unconscious and Spike is pinned down, struggling.
Tie his hands. Miss Glory will want him restrained.
Let me go!
Careful with him! She will want the Key intact.
The Key? Who's a key? I'm not the f--
Spike is gagged and bound and dragged struggling out of the crypt.
The fire blazes brightly. Buffy recognizes the figure dancing on the other side of the flames: SINEYA, the First.
I know you. You're the first Slayer.
This is a form. I am the guide.
I have a few questions... about being the Slayer. What about love? Not just boyfriend love.
You think you're losing your ability to love.
I didn't say that. (admits) Yeah.
You're afraid that being the Slayer means losing your humanity.
Does it?
You are full of love. You love with all your soul. It's brighter than the fire... blinding. That's why you pull away from it.
I'm full of love? I'm not losing it?
Only if you reject it. Love is pain and the Slayer forges strength from pain. Love... give... forgive. Risk the pain. It is your nature. Love will bring you to your gift.
Buffy has no clue what the First is talking about.
What?
The Buffybot crawls out of the basement, looking for Spike.
Spike? I waited like you said but then I missed you. Spike?
The robot walks past Xander lying unconscious on the floor and goes in search of Spike.
A knock on the door. Willow opens it, expecting Xander.
Xander, did you--
The Buffybot stands there looking confused.
Spike's gone.
Willow pulls the Buffybot inside.
Buffy, come in. Shh! It's late. Everyone's asleep. Wait.
Willow wraps a blanket around herself and leads the Buffybot out onto the back patio.
We can talk out here. Did Xander find you? He was looking for you. He hasn't come back. Anya sat up waiting.
I don't know where Xander is. I haven't seen him. And when I came out of the tunnel, Spike was gone. I need to find him.
Buffy, this thing with Spike, it isn't true, is it? You didn't, you know, sleep with Spike?
No.
BUFFYBOT POV: The same computer matrix/profile overlay appears, only this time with Willow's profile.
Willow is relieved.
I had sex with Spike! I'm sorry if it bothers you. You're my best friend.
I am and I always will be no matter what you do. I'm just trying to figure out why this happened and I think with your mom and everything, everyone was being all sympathetic and making you feel weak and Spike wasn't like that so just this one time you just did something kinda crazy.
It wasn't one time. It was lots of times and lots of different ways. I could make sketches?
No! Buffy there is something seriously wrong here. Okay, yeah, you've been with a vampire before but Angel had a soul.
Angel's lame. His hair grows straight up and he's bloody stupid.
Okay... look I just want to help you. Let me help you.
You're my best friend.
Yeah, again I really am but...
You're recently gay.
Um...
The lights go on in the apartment and Willow turns to see Xander waking everyone up.
Guys! Guys, wake up.
Willow goes inside to see what's going on and the Buffybot follows her.
Anya bolts off the couch.
Oh, Xander! I was scared. Are you hurt? What happened?
Guys. The demony kinds of guys. Buffy?
Yes, that's me.
The guys that work for Glory-- you said they're kind of like Hobbits with leprosy? Well, this was a whole flock of Hobbits and they just grabbed Spike. I think they're taking him to Glory.
But he knows about Dawn.
We have to get him back.
So how do we find him?
They all look to the Buffybot but she just stares blankly at them.
I fight with weapons.
Yeah. I got nothin'. Let's hit your place. We'll stock up.
Tara, can you stay here and watch Dawn?
Of course.
The rest of them head for the door.
Buffy continues holding council with Sineya, her spirit guide.
I'm sorry, I'm just a little confused. I'm full of love-- which is nice-- and love will lead me to my gift?
Yes.
I'm getting a gift? Or do you mean that I have a gift to give to someone else?
Death is your gift.
Death?
Is your gift.
Okay, no. Death is not a gift. My mother just died. I know this. If I have to kill demons because it makes the world a better place, then I kill demons. But it is not a gift to anybody.
Your question has been answered.
The fire and the first Slayer disappear, leaving Buffy alone in the cold desert night.
Jinx and Murk haul Spike in and present him to Glory.
What the hell is that and why is its hair that color?
Stunning one, we believe he is...
JINX & MURK
...the Key.
Really? That's fantabulous! And impossible. He can't be the Key because the Key has to be pure. (sniffs Spike) This is a vampire. Lesson number one: vampires equal impure.
Damn right, I'm impure. I'm as impure as the driven yellow snow. Let me go.
You can't even brain-suck a vampire. He's completely useless.
So I'm just going to let myself out.
But your unholiness, we observed the Slayer. She protected this one above all others. She treated him as precious.
Really? Precious? (to Spike) Let's take a peek at you, precious.
She pushes Jinx out of the way and looks Spike over appraisingly.
Sod off.
Glory smiles at Spike and then hammers him clear across the room. He slams into the wall so hard he shatters it, landing in a crumpled heap. Glory walks over and yanks him to his feet by his lower lip.
He doesn't look very fancy to me.
Hey! Easy with the lip!
But if the Slayer protects him, maybe appearances are deceiving.
She throws Spike across the room again, this time onto her bed. He lands on his back with a agonized cry and Glory straddles him, grinning down at him malevolently.
Maybe there's something on the inside.
She shoves her index finger into Spike's belly, right below his rib cage, and twists it violently. Spike screams in agony while Glory smiles down from above.
What do you know, precious? What can I dig out of you?
The Buffybot enters, followed by Xander, Willow and Anya.
This is my house!
If we're going to stop Spike from blabbin' about Dawn, we're going to need these.
He goes to a trunk and opens it. Anya gets excited when she sees the weapons inside.
Oh! The big guns. Only not guns.
Xander hands her a double-bladed axe.
Shouldn't we have guns?
Those are my weapons. Give me something big and sharp.
Buffy, where do we go? Where should we look for Glory?
She's a god. She wants the Key.
Yeah... so we should look...?
I don't know. (beat) Why are you all looking at me?
Okay, Buff, it's okay. You're right. You shouldn't have to know everything.
We need to rescue Spike.
Buffy, I think you have more weapons upstairs. Why don't you go get those?
And maybe change your clothes. You know, something more... fighty.
I can do that. I'll be right back.
She smiles and bounces out of the room.
Okay, this has gone way too far. She thinks we're going to rescue Spike.
What are we going to do?
Find him. Keep him from talking. Whatever it takes.
What do we do with Glory?
Whatever we do, we're going to need Buffy's help.
Then we're going to have to talk to her.
Intervention time again?
Yeah, 'cause what we need right now is a sane Buffy.
Buffy walks into the room, surprised to see all her friends.
Whoa. Group hang time?
That was quick.
Didn't seem like it to me. "Death is my gift." Pfft.
Xander shares a look with Willow.
Buffy, we need to talk.
What's wrong? Is Dawn okay?
Dawn's fine.
Buffy, we care about you and we're worried about you. The way you're acting, the things you're doing...
It's wrong.
Wait. This shouldn't be about blame.
Blame? There's blame now?
No, there's only love... and some fear.
We're just kind of thrown by the you having sex with Spike.
Buffy is aghast.
The who whating how with huh?
Okay. That's denial. That usually comes before anger.
I'm not having sex with Spike!
Anger.
No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well-muscled.
I am not having sex with Spike but I'm starting to think that you might be!
Buffy, I saw you. Anya, too. We saw you and Spike with the straddling.
The Buffybot comes down the stairs and walks into the room.
Spike's mine! Who's straddling Spike?
Buffy's jaw drops in shock.
Oh, my god...
And so say all of us.
Say! Look at you. You look just like me! We're very pretty.
Two of them?
Hey! I know this. They're both Buffy.
No. She's a robot. She acts just like that girlfriend-bot that Warren guy made. (shocked) You guys couldn't tell me apart from a robot?
Oh, I don't think I'm a robot.
She's very well done.
Spike must have had her built so he could program her to...
Buffy goes pale.
Oh, god...
Yikes! Imagine the things--
No! No imagining! Any of you.
Already got the visual.
People! Friends of mine. You're forgetting the most important thing. Glory has Spike and she's going to harm him.
Buffy turns to Xander.
Glory has Spike?
We were going to bring that up.
We were getting weapons.
Grab 'em. We're going now. I have to kill him.
We didn't even know where to look.
I know where to start.
Spike hangs from a chain by the wrists. He's beaten and bloody. Glory approaches him and seizes him by the hair.
I have a riddle for you, precious. How is a vampire that won't talk like an apple?
She whips out a knife and slices Spike across the chest.
Think I can do you in one long strip?
Enough. No more. I'll tell you who the sodding Key is.
The group is gathered in the park with Giles.
Glory's Key-sniffing snake was about here when I killed it. It was headed back to her.
Do you think she lives around here?
It's not a lot to go on.
It's all we got.
Giles is fascinated with the Buffybot.
It's extraordinary, really.
Thank you, but I really think we should be listening to the other Buffy, Guyles. She's very smart and she's going to help us save Spike.
Guyles? Spike didn't even bother to program my name properly.
Listen, Skirt Girl, we're not going to save him. We're going to kill him. He knows who the Key is and there's no way he's not telling Glory.
You're right. He's evil. But you should see him naked. I mean, really!
Buffy turns away in disgust.
Okay, guys, split up and spread out. Check the priciest looking places first. Xander, you come with me. Willow, Anya, stick together and Guyles-- Giles!-- you can watch "it".
Giles looks over at the robot, less than thrilled. He turns to the Buffybot and she smiles happily at him.
Glory holds a glass of water up for Spike to drink.
Is that better? Do you think you could try to talk again now?
Spike nods through a haze of pain.
Good.
She smashes the glass against his face, shattering it.
Because I'm tired of these games! "I need time." "I need a drink." You're a very needy little bloodsucker and it's not very attractive. (cold) So start talking.
Yeah. Okay. The Key... here's the thing. It's that guy on TV. What's his name.
On the television?
That show? The price show? Where they guess what stuff costs.
The Price is Right?
Bob Barker!
We will bring you Bob Barker. We will bring you the limp and beaten body of Bob Barker.
It is not Bob Barker, scabby morons! The Key is new to this world... and Bob Barker is as old as grit. The vampire is lying to me.
Spike begins to laugh in spite of his pain.
Yeah. But it was fun. And guess what, bitch? I'm not telling you jack. You're never going to get your sodding Key 'cause you might be strong but in our world, you're an idiot.
I am a god.
The god of what? Bad home perms?
Shut up! I command you. Shut up!
Yeah, okay. Sorry, but I just had no idea that gods were such prancing lightweights. Mark my words-- the Slayer is going to kick your skanky, lopsided ass back to whatever place would take a cheap, whorish, fashion-victim ex-god like you.
Glory's anger boils over and she spin-kicks Spike, snapping his chains and shooting him across the room and through the wall. He lands in the corridor outside in a bloody heap.
Good plan, Spike.
Bring him back.
Spike staggers down the hall toward the elevator, arriving just as the doors slide closed. He tries to pry them apart before the minions catch up to him.
Jinx rounds the corner and spots Spike. He motions to the others.
Here!
Spike finally manages to open the doors and falls forward into the elevator shaft.
Oh, god...
Spike lands on top of the elevator with a thud and lies there motionless, catching his breath, as the elevator descends. He pushes the ceiling panel open and tumbles into the elevator itself. With a Herculean effort, he manages to get to his feet as the doors open on the lobby and a horde of minions races down the stairs to meet him.
You do not insult Glory by escaping!
The minion turns from Spike, distracted, as Buffy and Xander race into the lobby from outside, weapons at the ready.
Slayer!
The minions attack. Buffy shoots one in the back with her crossbow, then she and Xander go hand-to-hand. They fight furiously, beating back one minion after another.
Giles and the Buffybot arrive, Giles frantically trying to load his crossbow.
Buffy, we're here!
The Buffybot sees Spike in the elevator and runs to him.
Spike! Spike's in there!
Giles is set upon by one of the minions. It flips him to the floor and uses his crossbow to choke him.
Buffy!
Both Buffy and the Buffybot turn at Giles' cry. The Buffybot grabs the minion from behind. It whirls on her and smashes the robot in the head with the stock of
the crossbow. She slams into the wall and sinks to the floor, electricity arcing all around her. Buffy attacks the minion, smashing him unconscious with a series of devastating blows.
The remaining minions flee back up the stairs.
Jinx and Murk make their excuses while Glory paces, furious.
The Slayer was there!
A lethal fighter!
She seemed to be everywhere at once.
She had friends with many weapons.
They may have been demons.
And where's my vampire?
The minions have nothing to say. Shortly, the building echoes with their screams as Glory exacts her punishment for failure.
Tara, Dawn, Anya and Buffy watch while Willow works on the Buffybot. The robot is slumped over the reading table while Willow tinkers with the exposed wiring and circuitry in the robot's back panel.
Buffy rests her face on the table next to the robot's looking into its eyes.
Is it weird?
Oh, yeah. At least it's not a very good copy. I mean, look at it.
Willow and Tara exchange a look.
Uh... yeah.
They all look up as Giles and Xander enter the store.
What did you guys do with Spike? And please let this story have a dusty ending.
We dumped him back in his crypt.
Tried to find out if he'd told her anything but he was too badly beaten to make much sense.
Well, even if he told her, he'd just lie to us about it anyway, right?
Yeah, you can count on it. But I have to know. Now. If he did give us up, Dawn and I need to get out of town. I mean, she could be on her way right now.
Giles notices Dawn getting anxious.
But not to worry, you know. I'm sure we'll all be perfectly safe.
We're safe. Right. And Spike built a robot Buffy to play checkers.
Dawn looks pointedly at Tara.
It sounded convincing when I thought it.
Hey, I think I found something.
Anya runs over, interested. She peers over Willow's shoulder.
Ugh. Looks very complicated in there. Personally, I'd rather look at guts.
I've found where she's broken. Some of these wires got fried extra-crispy. It's an easy fix. (off Buffy's look) I mean, not that I would.
God, I feel kinda bad for the guy. Gets all whupped and his best toy gets taken away.
Xander, please don't be suggesting what I'd have to kill you for suggesting.
No, no. Travesty. Completely on board. It's just the guy was so thrashed.
Spike lies on a concrete slab, trying to get through the pain. One eye is swollen shut and his body is covered with a multitude of cuts and bruises.
The door to the crypt opens and Spike cocks one eye open to find his robot walking perkily over to him. He sits up slowly and faces her.
Spike, you're covered in sexy wounds.
Yeah. I feel real sexy. Where you been?
I fell down and got confused. Willow fixed me. She's gay.
Will fixed you? I'd have thought they'd melt you into scrap.
They were confused, too. Do you want to ravage me now?
Give us a minute. Got some bones need mending.
Why did you let that Glory hurt you?
She wanted to know who the Key was.
Well, I can tell her and then you won't have to--
Buffy turns to go but Spike stops her.
No! (coughs) You can't ever. Glory never finds out.
Why?
Because Buffy-- the other not-so-pleasant Buffy-- anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her. And I couldn't live, her being in that much pain. Let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did.
Buffy leans forward and kisses Spike softly. Something about the kiss is different and Spike realizes. She holds his gaze for a long beat, then turns to go.
And my robot?
The robot is gone. The robot was gross and obscene.
It wasn't supposed to--
Don't! That thing, it wasn't even real.
She starts to leave, then stops.
What you did for me and Dawn... that was real.
She locks eyes with Spike.
I won't forget it.
She walks out and closes the door behind her.