[Transcript of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" episode Flooded at buffyology.com.]
BUFFY walks slowly through the dark basement, looking around cautiously. Water drips from somewhere nearby. Buffy frowns.
She notices something and stares upward with a satisfied look. She raises a wrench.
So. We meet at last, Mister Drippy.
Pull back to reveal an overhead pipe dripping water. Buffy climbs up and begins fitting the wrench to the pipe.
DAWN appears from above, comes halfway down the stairs and sits, watching her sister.
Want me to call a plumber?
Buffy twists the wrench with great effort.
No.
You sure?
Yes.
Dawn holds up a cordless phone.
Got the number.
Buffy turns to face Dawn, exasperated.
Dawn, I'm on it. Okay?
Dawn shrugs, skeptical. Buffy gives the pipe one last twist. The dripping stops. She smiles with satisfaction.
Beat. Tortured groans come from deep within the house.
Water suddenly explodes in a torrent from a dozen different pipes all over the basement. Dawn is instantly drenched. She shrieks and runs up the stairs. Buffy stands amid the downpour and sighs.
There. All better.
Opening credit sequence.
Dawn stands at the door to the basement, looking down. The sound of rushing water drifts up from below.
Man. How much water can they fit in one set of pipes?
WILLOW pours herself some cereal while TARA cleans dishes. Buffy stares at the sink as if mesmerized.
If I understand right, the entire city water supply.
It's like little clown cars in the circus.
Told you we should have called the plumber.
You were right. The plumber will make everything good.
Buffy watches the water run from the faucet and swirl down the drain.
Dawnie, you're not eating breakfast?
Dawn looks around at the food, makes a face.
Dawn, breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It's unbelievably important. You should eat breakfast at least three times a day.
Willow turns off the faucet and gives Buffy a concerned look.
I'll grab something before school.
XANDER and TITO, the plumber, emerge from the basement.
And a big Sunnydale round of applause for Tito, the Amazing Plumber Extraordinaire.
So how's everything looking down there?
Like we should start gathering up two of every animal.
Basically, your pipes are shot. I mean, the whole system's going to have to be replaced. What you need is a full copper re-pipe job.
Tito hands Willow an estimate.
Full copper re-pipe? That sounds potentially pricey.
Well, if you have any questions, our number's on the invoice.
Tito pats Xander on the shoulder and leaves. Dawn goes over to Willow and peeks at the invoice before Willow pulls it away.
That's a weird phone number. Oh, wait. (to Xander) Is that the bill?
Hey. Tito cut you a good deal down there. Those are his bargain prices. I did a little haggling for you.
Thank you. So we'll pay him. What's the big deal?
Uncomfortable silence.
Buffy, I know you're still getting back on your feet after...
Lying flat on my back?
Yeah, but there's some money stuff we're going to have to talk to you about.
Buffy sits on the sofa looking over piles of paper-- bills and invoices-- strewn across the coffee table. She sighs in disbelief and throws the papers down.
Okay... so you're telling me I'm broke?
Tara and Willow sit across from Buffy with Dawn.
Not yet but...
Money's definitely becoming an issue.
As in your being almost out of it.
ANYA sits off to the side, writing.
But I haven't spent any money. I was all... dead and frugal.
I know this comes as a bit of a shock after... a bit of a shock but it took us by surprise, too.
Your mother prepared everything really well. She had insurance... life insurance.
Which should have left you covered but... hospital bills.
Pretty much sucked up all the money.
Which you're still hemorrhaging, by the way.
How am I doing that?
No, not you, the house. See, this house just sitting here, doing nothing by itself, costs money.
So what do we do?
Easy. We burn the house to the ground and collect the insurance. Plus... fire? Pretty. (off their looks) You guys, I'm kidding. Okay, it's bills, it's money. It's pieces of paper sent by bureaucrats that we've never even met. It's not like it's the end of the world. (beat) Which is too bad, you know, 'cause that I'm really good at. (to Dawn) I'll take care of this. I promise. I... just don't know how yet.
I know how. If you want to pay every bill here and every bill coming and have enough to start a nice college fund for Dawn? Start charging.
For what?
Slaying vampires! (off everyone's looks) Well, you're providing a valuable service to the whole community. I say cash in.
Well, that's an idea... you would have. Any other suggestions?
Well, I mean, it's not so crazy.
Yes it is! You can't charge innocent people for saving their lives.
Spiderman does.
He does not!
Does too.
Does no-- Xander?
Action is his reward.
Dawn gives Anya a "told you so" look and Anya stands up, annoyed.
Why don't you ever take my side?
She leaves in a huff. Xander runs after her.
What are you talking about, taking your side? Anya, I am your side!
Willow watches them go with a smile, then turns to Buffy.
You're throwin' away a gold mine.
Anya strides angrily down the sidewalk and Xander hurries after her.
Come on! Wait up. Anya! What's wrong with you?
Why don't you ask your best friend Spiderman? You know, if you're not going to support me--
I'm supportive! I'm totally supportive! I'm a flying buttress of support!
No, you're not.
This is because I haven't told them yet about the engagement, isn't it?
No. Maybe. Yes! It's painful and confusing! I mean, first you give me this beautiful ring... and then I can't even wear it in public. I mean, do you know how depressing that is?
Anya, I promise, your waiting days are almost over. I know it's frustrating but the way I understand this marriage thing, it's kind of a forever deal.
Not if you never get started. I mean, don't you want to get married?
Yes.
So then why won't you tell them?
Because... I'm still getting used to the miracle of a steady paycheck. And getting out of my parents' house. And this... this husband thing... it's a big step. Or a lot of little ones and I love you so much, I just want every step to be just right.
Really?
He nods. Anya embraces and kisses him, then suddenly pulls away.
Hey! You tricked me! Just now, with your fancy talk and lips! You keep doing this and I keep forgetting and you keep stalling!
She turns and stalks off angrily.
Anya!
When are you going to grow up, Xander?
Buffy sits before the bank loan officer's desk. She wears a conservative skirt-suit, her hair is pulled back in a neat bun and she smiles prettily.
SKIP CUT (SEPARATE TAKES):
There's a first time for everything is my philosophy.
This is my first big loan.
Collateral? No problem.
No problem.
No problem.
I love that tie.
I'm a problem solver.
Let's crunch those numbers!
Stupid skirt.
She turns as MR. SAVITSKY, the loan officer, enters the office. She smiles brightly and stands.
Hello.
Sorry to keep you waiting. Carl Savitsky, loan officer.
Buffy Summers. Loan applier-for.
He smiles but doesn't seem amused. Buffy plunges on.
I didn't know exactly what you would need, so I brought everything. (hands him a thick folder) I'm very responsible in that way.
He begins sorting through the papers in the folder.
Okay. I don't think I'll need this... or these. Old report cards, definitely not.
Buffy smiles nervously as Savitsky continues looking at the papers, putting most of them aside.
So... about my getting a loan.
Yes, well... it looks as if financially we have a bit of a tangle.
I know. And I figured you could just, you know, cut through that tangle with scissors. You know, where the loan is the scissors?
Ms. Summers, the only collateral you have is your house, which was never fully leveraged, and has been losing equity over the last several years. For some reason, Sunnydale property values have never been competitive and re-financing is out of the question.
Buffy's face falls as she realizes the news is bad. He gives her a sympathetic smile.
Are you saying you won't give me my loan?
Well, the problem is you have no income. No job.
Suddenly one of the bank customers crashes through the glass window separating the office from the lobby and lands on the desk. Screams come from the lobby.
Buffy jumps up to find people running and screaming. A large and rather hideous DEMON stands in the center of the lobby, snarling and roaring.
No job? I wish.
Resume. The demon growls and throws people around.
Hey!
The demon turns to find Buffy behind him.
Are you in the wrong line? (points) That's for deposits, that's for withdrawals and this one... is for getting kicked in the face.
She tries to kick the demon but can't move her legs. Her long, tight skirt restricts her movement.
Stupid skirt.
The demon hits her, hard. She flies back through the window and lands on Savitsky's desk. Savitsky pokes his head up from beneath it.
Buffy grabs a letter-opener from a pencil holder on his desk.
May I?
Savitsky nods fearfully. She uses it to cut a slit in her skirt, freeing her legs.
The demon strides forward and Buffy lands a devastating kick. She continues to rain blows down on the creature, beating it back through the lobby.
CU: a pair of hands grabs the money out of the teller drawers and puts it in a bag as Buffy pummels the creature in b.g.
The demon lifts Buffy up onto his shoulder and carries her across the room.
A gunshot rings out. Both Buffy and the demon look over at a bank security GUARD pointing his gun at them both. He shakes and the gun wavers.
Put the girl down.
The demon throws Buffy at the guard. She crashes into him and they both tumble to the floor. Buffy struggles to a sitting position as the demon beats the hell out of the other customers. Buffy picks up the gun.
These things? Never helpful.
She tosses the gun aside; it hits the floor and goes off. Buffy and the guard duck as the demon bolts for the door, shoving a customer into Buffy's path as she tries to pursue him. By the time she gets outside, the demon has escaped. Buffy stares after him in frustration.
Savitsky's office. Buffy storms in and slaps her hands down on the desk which is covered with broken glass.
Now, about my loan...
Savitsky slowly raises his head from below the desk.
I'm not saying I'm charging you for saving your life or anything but... let's talk rates.
Buffy punches the heavy bag while Willow sits nearby.
He still turned you down? That's crazy! I mean, even if the bank did get robbed-- which you battling demons couldn't possibly know-- you would think there would be some kind of reward.
Buffy continues hitting the bag hard and fast.
But no, they're like, "Oh, we're not going to give you money unless you prove you don't need it." I mean, what kind of system is that?
You're asking the wrong gal.
Hey. Buffy, you're mad.
You noticed. (shrugs) It'll pass.
No! Anger is a big, powerful emotion you should feel.
Well... that's good then. (beat) It's gone now.
Okay... let me make you mad again. Ready? (thinks) Last semester, I slept with Riley.
Buffy gives her a dubious look.
And you know, I really doubt it.
Caught me. Big fib. To... cover up the sleazy affair I had with Angel.
She smiles proudly.
Will... what the hell are you doing?
Pissing you off.
Yes, true. Why?
Well, 'cause since you've been back, you haven't exactly been big with... the whole range of human emotions thing.
What do you mean?
Well, you haven't... no, I mean it's just... you know, this is really my problem. (backing away) I'm just... I'm all over the place and you should just forget I even said anything, 'cause, well, 'cause you know... banks, man.
Buffy shrugs and returns to her workout.
Anya and Xander sit at the reading table with books open in front of them.
Don't be such a wiener dog. Look at them.
She points to Tara and Dawn at the other side of the room, stocking shelves.
Researching demons for the billionth time. They could use a peppy boost of happy news.
You're right. I'll tell them.
He stands up, reconsiders, and sits back down with a glance toward the back.
As soon as Buffy and Willow come in.
Chicken.
Would you stop?
Dare you.
Anya. If I tell them we're engaged right after you dared me to... wouldn't you always wonder if that's the only reason I did it?
Anya thinks about it.
Oh.
Score one for Captain Logic.
No, no. Captain Logic is not steering this tugboat. I smell Captain Fear at the wheel! God, I hate this. This tone in my voice? I dislike it more than you do and I'm closer to it!
Tara and Dawn head over to the table and put down a stack of books.
Oh, come on, Tara. I am so old enough to do research. Do you really think I'm not mature enough?
I think you're very mature for your age... but you're still only fifteen.
Right, fifteen. As in teenager. You know, if you don't let me look at the pictures, I'm going to learn everything I know about demons on the street.
Tara sighs and hands her a book.
Knock yourself out.
Thank you. See? No biggie. I can totally handle it.
She opens the book and checks out the first page.
That's a weird place for a horn.
She looks again and slowly closes the book.
That's not a horn.
You know, I still don't get it. I mean, what kind of a demon would rob a bank?
The kind that wants money.
What do you even call that?
This?
She holds up a book turned to a picture of the demon Buffy fought at the bank.
I'm guessing on how you say it. It's got an apostrophe. I think it's MmmFashnik. Like "Mmm, cookies."
Or maybe, Muh-Fashnik. Like Muh (beat) Fashnik.
Buffy and Willow emerge from the back room and Dawn holds up the book for Buffy.
This your guy?
You do research now? Want a cappuccino and a pack of cigarettes to go with it?
Would you just look at the picture?
Doesn't exactly fit the profile for your typical bank robber.
Maybe they turned down his loan application. That's him. Big bad. This thing was strong, guys. No weapons that I could see but...
Buffy's attention is drawn by something at the front of the store.
...still... real... dangerous.
GILES stands by the door, holding suitcases and staring at Buffy. He puts down his bags and approaches her.
Oh, god. Buffy...
He hugs her. She hugs him back and closes her eyes.
You're alive. You're here. And you're still (groans)... remarkably strong.
Huh? Oh. Sorry.
Willow told me but I didn't really let myself believe...
I take a little getting used to. I'm still getting used to me.
It's... you're...
A miracle?
Yes. But then I always thought so.
Giles cups Buffy's cheek and smiles at her fondly.
The M'Fashnik demon moves among the shadows, growling softly.
Giles and Buffy stand facing each other, the silence a bit awkward.
So...
I can start. How was England? How was... life?
I'm not really sure how to answer that. Well, I arrived home, I met with the Council.
Always a good time.
Yes. Otherwise, there's nothing really to report. I keep a flat in Bath. I met with a few old friends. Almost made a new one, which I think is statistically impossible for a man of my age.
And now you're back.
Yes.
Wow. Giles, are you miserable about it or just really British?
I can't lie to you, Buffy. Leaving Sunnydale was difficult. And coming back was...
I'm guessing the word is "inconvenient"?
No. Bewildering.
Giles puts a hand on Buffy's shoulder.
And how are you? Really? You look tired.
Me? Nah. Fine. (off his look) I mean, yeah. You know, sleeping's hard but... just because of the whole waking up in a box thing. So maybe waking up's the problem. But just for a second. I sleep okay. Great even. Except, you know, for the dreams...
She trails off and looks away again.
You seem to be doing remarkably well under extreme circumstances. I'm proud of you.
Well, actually, it wasn't me. Willow brought me back. I just laid there.
You know I meant--
I know what you meant. It was just a little post-post-mortem comedy. Well, I better start prepping. The slayage...
She begins wrapping her hands.
Yes, there is always that, isn't there?
Seems that way.
Giles pauses, concerned, then leaves her to her duties.
Giles emerges from the rear. The others are still sitting around the table, talking quietly.
Giles!
Anya runs to Giles and gives him a huge hug. He smiles.
We're so glad to see you. We missed you. You can't have the store back.
I know.
You signed papers.
I did. And do we have information on this new demon that I suddenly find so desperately interesting?
Giles gently moves Anya aside and goes over to the table.
That we do.
This one robs banks.
Oh.
I found him.
M'Fashnik. Oh.
Aha! Like "mmm, cookies".
No, quite different, actually.
You know it?
By reputation, yes. They come from a long line of mercenary demons that perform acts of slaughter and mayhem for the highest bidder.
Well, it is the American way.
Yes, but the question now becomes, what's out there powerful enough to control one of these things?
The M'Fashnik demon angrily knocks over a pile of boxes and points a clawed finger.
We had a deal. You got what you wanted. Now give me what I want. The head of the Slayer.
Reveal JONATHAN LEVINSON, WARREN MEARS and ANDREW, three stereotypical nerd-types. They sit on beanbag chairs, each holding a stack of money. Behind them is a large TV. They look up at the demon in surprise.
Okay.
Sure.
We can do that.
Resume. The demon paces angrily before the trio.
You hired me to create chaos and carnage for you, told me you were powerful men, commanding machines, magicks, the demon realms below.
We are.
Uh-huh.
We're like super villains.
They all laugh snorty nerd laughs.
Which of you is the leader?
I am.
I will kill the leader.
He is.
I will kill you all.
Wait! No fair!
Jonathan gets up and confronts the demon.
It's not our fault the Slayer was there. We said we'd pay you and we're going to.
Jonathan waves the money in the demon's face. Warren jumps up, comes over and goes to his knees beside Jonathan. Andrew does the same.
Yes! Truly, Lord Jonathan is the wisest of us all.
Yeah, long live our noble lord and master.
You guys suck.
The demon grabs Jonathan by the throat and lifts him off his feet.
You can't pay me with paper, tiny king. You pitted me against the Slayer. For that, I must kill you.
Andrew and Warren snicker and grin at each other.
Then I will suck dry your bones and use them to beat your subjects to death.
Andrew and Warren jump to their feet, alarmed.
Whoa, whoa, big guy. Let's back things up a parsec, okay. You kill us... everybody loses. You let us live, we give you...
Give me what?
Name it!
The demon drops Jonathan, who falls to the floor choking and gasping.
Well, between the three of us, we can pretty much do anything.
Like you want a spell to make you look super-cool to the other demons? I'm all over that action, my friend.
Or-- just throwing it out there-- robot girlfriend. Huh? For those long, lonely nights after a hard day's slaughter?
You can do this?
Jonathan and Warren nod.
Don't trust him. Robo Pimp Daddy's all mouth.
Shut up, Andrew! You're just mad I wouldn't build you Christina Ricci.
You owe me, man.
Oh, or else what? You'll train another pack of devil dogs to ruin my prom? Ha! Graduated!
That wasn't me! How many times do I have to say it? The prom thing was my lame-o brother, Tucker.
Yeah, well tell him I was at that prom.
Hello! Screen-wipe, new scene. I had nothing to do with the devil dogs. I trained flying demon monkeys to attack the school play. School play, dude!
Warren and Jonathan stare at him angrily for a moment, then break into big smiles.
That was cool. That was kinda cool.
Remember, everyone was like, "Run, Juliet!"
They all grin and laugh their dorky laughs again.
Enough!
They fall silent, cowed. He advances on them and they scurry backward.
Nothing you can offer me will satisfy your debt to me. I don't want your toys or your spells, flying monkey-demons. I want the Slayer dead!
Okay.
Done.
One dead Slayer, coming up. Could you just give us a minute?
For what?
Well... we just really want to nail down the optimum method for us to wipe out the Slayer for you.
They huddle up and confer together.
Make sure it involves... pain.
Buffy holds up a pillow with childish colors that match the sheets she's putting on the couch.
I know they're so cute you could die but... it's all I got.
Think nothing of it. It's whimsical.
They were mine when I was little. Couldn't find the guest sheets. (beat) Mom always did this stuff.
Buffy kneels, tries to fit the sheet onto the sofa.
They don't actually fit. I blame the sofa. We need one of those pull-out kinds. The kind with no payments till two-thousand- and-infinity.
What?
Oh, it's just money stuff. It turns out Mom left me some and while I was dead, it got squandered on luxuries like food and clothing.
How bad is it?
Anya says pretty bad. I'm kinda taking her word for it. Actually, I'm kinda trying to not think about it.
Sound policy. At least for tonight.
Figured I'd put it out of my mind. You know, take a break. Get some perspective... and then wake up at 4:00 AM terrified.
Buffy, perhaps you're putting too much pressure on yourself. I mean, to return from some unknown level of hell... it's only natural that coming back will be a process.
In the meantime, I'm scaring people.
Well, that can take time, too. If it's any consolation, life can be pretty overwhelming even for people who haven't been... where you have.
I guess.
Look, tomorrow morning you and I will sit down together and we'll go through everything. Every bill, one by one. We'll work it out together.
I'm glad you're back.
Well, I'm glad you are, too.
Giles reaches out to touch her but she stands up and walks off.
The Evil Nerds huddle and confer in their basement.
Are we really going to kill her? That's so sad.
Shut up, Whine-athan.
But I don't want to kill Buffy either.
Yeah, she saved my life a bunch of times! Plus, she's hot.
It's her or us. I mean, we have to do it.
We're talking about murder.
No, we're talking about staying alive and since this is my mom's house, I think what I say goes.
But aside from the moral issues and the mess, we can get in trouble for murder.
Duh! You know, the last I checked, the authorities also frowned on bank robbery, too. Genius!
I don't even know if we could kill Buffy. She's got super- strength.
And, you know, killing people, this is not why we got together in the first place.
Yeah. We teamed up with one clear, super-cool mission statement. Remember?
FLASHBACK:
The three of them in the basement sit around a card table strewn with cans of soda, playing a board game.
So... you guys want to team up and take over Sunnydale?
Andrew and Jonathan look at each other and shrug.
Okay.
Of course, I remember. It was last month.
Then you know we have a mission! (points) Shrink rays, trained gorillas, workable prototype jetpacks... and chicks, chicks, chicks. I know that's the action I signed on for.
He points at a dry-erase board with their "to do" list:
* Control the Weather
* Girls
* Miniaturize Fort Knox
* Girls
* Conjure Fake IDs
* The Gorilla Thing
* Shrink Ray
Me, too. Ixnay on the urder-may.
Vote.
Okay. Who's for not killing Buffy?
Andrew and Jonathan hold up their hands in the Vulcan salute. They both look to Warren.
The demon paces in the b.g., waiting for them to finish.
Warren finally gives in and holds up his hand also.
Agreed.
So what are we going to do about this M'Fashnik guy?
Wait here, okay. I got an idea.
Warren goes over to the demon, puts his arm around it and turns him away from the other two. He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a piece of paper.
Here's the Slayer's name, address and telephone number. You want to kill her? Make it so.
The demon takes the paper with a growl and leaves. Warren pats him on the back and turns around to find the others watching him. He swaggers across the basement as they stare, impressed.
How'd you make him do that?
What are you, some kind of Jedi?
The Force can sometimes have great power on the weak-minded.
Giles enters the darkened kitchen with a towel over his shoulder.
Hey, Giles. You have a good talk with Buffy?
Willow takes a box of cookies from the cupboard and sits at the counter.
Yes, now that she's back.
Isn't it awesome?
Mmm. Tell me about this spell you performed.
Okay, first of all? So scary. Like the Blair Witch would have had to watch like this.
She covers her eyes with one hand and peeks through parted fingers. She smiles but Giles doesn't share her amusement. Willow doesn't notice.
And this giant snake came out my mouth and there was all this energy crackling and this pack of demons interrupted but I totally kept it together. And then, the next thing you know-- Buffy!
She smiles and takes a bite of cookie.
You're a very stupid girl.
Willow stops chewing, taken aback.
What? Giles...
Do you have any idea what you've done? The forces you've harnessed, the lines you've crossed?
I thought you'd be... impressed or something.
Oh, don't worry. You've made a very deep impression. Of everyone here, you were the one I trusted most to respect the forces of nature.
Are you saying you don't trust me?
Think what you've done to Buffy.
I brought her back!
At incredible risk!
Risk? Of what? Making her deader?
Of killing us all. Unleashing hell on earth! I mean, shall I go on?
No! Giles, I did what I had to do. I did what nobody else could do.
Oh, there are others in this world who can do what you did. You just don't want to meet them.
No, probably not but... well, they're the bad guys. I'm not a bad guy. I brought Buffy back into this world and maybe the word you should be looking for is "congratulations".
Having Buffy back in the world makes me feel indescribably wonderful but I wouldn't congratulate you if you jumped off a cliff and happened to survive.
That's not what I did, Giles.
You were lucky.
I wasn't lucky. I was amazing. And how would you know? You weren't even there.
If I had been, I'd have bloody well stopped you. The magicks you channeled are more ferocious and primal than anything you can hope to understand and you are lucky to be alive, you rank, arrogant amateur!
Giles angrily turns to leave.
You're right. The magicks I used are very powerful. I'm very powerful. (cold) And maybe it's not such a good idea for you to piss me off.
Giles stares at her, lets the threat hang in the air. After a moment, Willow relents.
Come on, Giles, I don't want to fight. Let's not, okay? I'll think about what you said and you... try to be happy Buffy's back.
We still don't know where she was... or what happened to her and I'm far from convinced she's come out of all this undamaged.
Buffy stands on the porch, hugging herself. A cigarette butt lands on the porch at Buffy's feet. She looks down, puts out her foot and grinds it out.
Hello, Spike.
SPIKE stands out on the lawn in shadow.
You hear all that noise?
Just enough to make me feel crappy.
You know Watcher-boy doesn't mean anything by it.
Spike approaches and sits with Buffy on the porch steps. She shrugs.
I guess. Everyone... they all care. They all care so much, it makes it all harder.
I'm not sure I followed you around that bend, luv.
I don't know. I just... I feel like I'm spending all of my time trying to be okay so they don't worry. It's exhausting. And then I...
She trails off and clenches her hand into a fist.
And that makes 'em worry even more. You want me to take them out? Give me a hell of a headache but I could probably thin the herd a little.
Buffy gives him a wan smile.
Knew I could get a grin.
Why are you always around when I'm miserable?
'Cause that's when you're alone, I reckon. I'm not one for crowds myself these days.
Me neither.
That works out nicely, then.
So what do you know about finances?
Dawn comes down the stairs in her pajamas.
Dawn?
Giles sits on the sofa bed, reading a book.
Couldn't sleep?
Not really. You?
Evidently not.
You ever try mixing parts of every cereal you got in one bowl?
Does it work?
Gonna find out. Want to come join the experiment?
I'm an ideal control group. I find as you get older that you lose patience with... throwing up.
Dawn follows his gaze. The doorknob rattles and turns.
Is that locked?
It should be.
The door suddenly smashes inward, hitting Dawn. She screams and falls back into the dining room as the M'Fashnik demon lumbers in, sees Giles and backhands him. Giles crashes into the stairs, smashing the banister, then falls to the floor.
Dawn looks up at the creature, fearfully.
You're not the Slayer. But you'll do for a start.
He lunges for her and Dawn screams.
Resume. Dawn continues screaming as the demon rushes at her. Before it reaches her, Buffy grabs him from behind and spins it around to face her.
You're payin' for that door, buddy.
She flings him into the living room. He lands on his back on the coffee-table, smashing it to pieces.
Oh! Table!
The demon gets up and smashes a lamp nearby.
You have cost me, Slayer.
I cost you? That's a designer lamp, ya mook!
The fight continues, carnage everywhere in the house. A glass vase falls and Buffy catches it, relieved. She kicks the charging demon back, then puts the vase carefully back on the table.
Spike grabs the demon from behind and pulls him toward the living room.
Spike, no! I want him in the kitchen!
Spike holds the demon in the doorway, then steps aside as Buffy gives the demon a massive kick to the chest. It flies backward through the door into the kitchen, falls against the back door onto the porch.
Spike follows them into the kitchen and watches as Buffy seizes the demon in a head-lock.
Open the door! The basement! I'm taking him down.
Spike opens the door to the basement and Buffy wrestles the demon through it. They both tumble down the stairs but Buffy manages to grab the banister and stop herself as the demon lands with a splash in the brackish water filling the basement.
They exchange blows and the demon rips a section of pipe from the ceiling.
No!
Water sprays from the broken pipe as the demon attacks Buffy with the it. She grabs it, kicks him in the groin and hits him with the pipe. He goes down with a splash.
Buffy pounds him with the pipe, punctuating her words with each blow.
Full... copper... re-pipe! No... more... full... copper... re-pipe!
Finally she stops. The demon floats face-down in the water. Buffy drops the pipe, looks up at the damage, sighs and pouts.
Whoa... did you know this place was flooded?
Buffy closes her eyes in frustration.
Money bags lie empty on the floor. New furniture adorns the room and electronic gadgets are everywhere. Andrew plays with a periscope viewer, while Jonathan sets up a display case. Warren tinkers with something that looks like a gun.
I think we have a lot to feel good about. We got the money. We got the lair. And our one loose end has been taken care of... by the Slayer.
He pushes a button and flame shoots out of the gun.
Flamethrower's up.
Andrew manipulates the periscope controls. Behind him on the TV, the image appears. It pans around to reveal a woman kneeling on the lawn.
Periscope's working.
Jonathan closes the glass doors of the display case and folds his arms triumphantly. Several action figures are set up inside it.
It looks like your mom's weeding tulips again.
Action figures... fully deployed.
I still can't believe it. We did it! We can do anything. We could stay up all night if we want to.
Whoa, whoa. Don't get all crazy on us, Andrew.
I was only saying.
What are we going to do about Buffy? You know sooner or later, the Slayer's gotta come after us.
Bring her on.
We could... hypnotize her.
Make her our willing sex bunny.
I'm putting that on the list!
Is this the life or what? I mean, here we got all the stuff we ever wanted and we didn't even have to...
Earn it?
Exactamundo.
It's true, my friends. The way I see it, life is like an interstellar journey. Some people go into hypersleep and travel at sub-light speeds only to get where they're going after years of struggle, toil and hard, hard work. We, on the other hand...
Blast through the space-time continuum in a wormhole?
They all nod in agreement.
Gentlemen... crime is our wormhole.
Jonathan puts a cigar in his mouth and lights it with a piece of flaming money. He takes a triumphant puff, then frantically tries to extinguish his "lighter" before it burns him.
But everyone knows if the width of a wormhole cavity is a whole number of wavelengths, plus a fraction of that wavelength, the coinciding particle activity collapses the infrastructure.
Dude. Don't be a geek.
He turns to face Andrew wearing a virtual-reality headset that covers the whole top half of his face.
Dawn and Willow sit on the sofa trying to fit together the pieces of the broken lamp. Reveal the destruction: front door standing open with a hole in it, banister on the stairs broken, pieces of furniture on the floor. Xander repairs the coffee table.
This is going to take forever, isn't it?
Not forever. Just a very long time. Here it is.
She hold up some papers.
Your first approximation of your spanking new debt.
I've trashed this house so many times. How did Mom pay for this?
For starters, she saved money with this crappy-ass coffee table.
Well, there's always that charging option.
No! I will definitely... probably not be doing that.
Giles and Tara enter from the kitchen.
Well, I know I'm back in America now. I've been knocked unconscious.
Tara hands him an ice-pack.
Thank you.
Aww. Poor lumpy Giles.
What do you think the demon wanted, anyway? I mean, aside from costing you a bundle.
The piece of lamp in Dawn's hands crumbles.
Don't know. Now he's way too dead to answer that question. Wish I knew who hired him.
Oh! I could do a locator spell.
Giles shoots Willow a look.
Or not.
Xander drops the pieces of table to the floor with a sigh.
That's it. Four hours. I'm calling it, people. This coffee table is gone. Damn it!
Also, this lamp's in critical condition.
Well, let's take these things out to the trash and give 'em a decent throwin' out.
Willow, Tara, Xander and Anya gather up the various pieces of debris and exit. Giles walks over to Buffy, concerned.
Buffy?
I don't think I can do this.
Yes, you can. Your mother dealt with this sort of thing all the time. She took one crisis at a time without the aid of any superpowers... and got through it all. So can you.
You sure?
I'm positive.
The phone rings.
Who's calling me? Everybody I know lives here. I'll be back.
Buffy exits into the kitchen.
I bet it's creditors. The hounding's begun. I read about it. So you think we'll starve?
I very much doubt it.
No chance I'd have to quit school to work assembling cheap toys in a poorly-ventilated sweatshop?
Poorly-ventilated... what have you been reading?
Buffy returns, walking quickly toward the front door.
Buffy, what is it?
Angel.
Is he in trouble?
He knows that I'm... he needs to see me. I have to see him.
Yes, of course. You'll leave for L.A. tomorrow.
Not L.A. And not here. Somewhere in the middle. There's a place.
I see. Well, we should get all these bills and things out of the way before--
I gotta go now.
She starts to leave, pauses and turns back again.
Thanks for taking care of this for me.
And then she's gone.