[Transcript of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" episode Life Serial at buffyology.com.]
The front door opens and BUFFY enters holding a bucket under her arm. She tosses her keys on the side table.
Hello?
Buffy?
WILLOW's voice comes from the dining room and Buffy turns in that direction.
Oh. Yep, it's me and I brought dinner. Deep fried chicken parts. Hope you're...
TARA, GILES, and DAWN sit around the table with Willow finishing their meal. Giles holds a half-full wine glass.
...hungry. You already ate.
No! Well, yes, obviously.
We didn't know when you'd be coming back.
It's okay. More for me.
Buffy puts the bucket of chicken on the table and sits.
I don't know about everybody else but I would love some chicken.
Yes. As would I.
I'll take a drumstick.
I'm a breast girl myself. (to Tara) But then again, you knew that.
Giles frowns at the comment as they pass the bucket of chicken around the table.
So...
What so?
So how was it? Seeing Angel... him seeing you. Was it weird?
Buffy is clearly uncomfortable.
It was... intense.
Well, if you want to talk about it...
I don't. It's... not important. Past. I'd just rather keep this one to myself, if that's okay.
Sure, whatever.
Buffy, there was some discussion in your absence about what you're going to do now. You know, your plans.
Oh, I've been giving that a lot of thought, actually. I think I've figured it out, what I should do.
That's good, that's good!
Yeah. I figure if I hold off paying the plumber, I can pay the utility bill and then I can wait to re-shingle the roof until we get the refund back--
I meant with your life.
Oh. Life plans. Well... I have no idea. I guess, well, I left school, you know, when Mom got sick but I always figured I'd go back and then she... (beat) So I was thinking about re-enrolling but I missed the registration cutoff. Busy being dead and all.
Well, if it's too late for late registration and too early for early, you can always come to classes with Tara and me.
Right. You can audit for the rest of the semester until registration.
Audit. I guess I could do that. Yeah, that sounds like a good plan. What do you think, Giles?
Giles nods rather half-heartedly.
JONATHAN paces in front of the garage. He frowns sternly as he talks.
The Slayer always knows what she's doing. Sharp. Decisive. Always with a plan. We're never going to become the crime lords of Sunnydale with her always one step ahead of us.
Well, that's why we're throwing these tests at her, seeing which one of us can shake her up the most, maybe find a weakness or two.
WARREN lies on his back on a rolling platform. He rolls backward out from under a black van and looks up at Jonathan.
She's ready.
Sweet. Run me through it.
Warren gets up and opens the van's side door. It's completely filled with electronics equipment on both sides, also a bean-bag chair or two and a couple of wheeled computer chairs.
We got nine high-resolution surveillance cameras hooked in, super-wide angle, infrared, auto-iris, plus six types of audio matrix monitoring that's filtered through a dual quad DVS system and a--
Yeah, yeah, fine. Just tell me, are you sure with all of this stuff that we'll be able to watch Buffy without her noticing us?
Absolutely. I mean, she'll never even know--
They move around to the other side and find ANDREW spray-painting a huge Death Star mural on the side panel.
What the hell is that?
Death Star, dude! Wicked, huh?
Thermal exhaust port's above the main port, numb-nuts.
For your information, I'm using the Empire's revised designs from Return of the Jedi.
That's a flawed design!
Guys! Okay, the thing is since we're messing with the Slayer-- who could pummel the three of us into a sludgy substance-- it might be a good idea for us to not draw attention to ourselves!
I could paint over it if you want.
Yeah, well do that! Because this time tomorrow, the games begin. And the Slayer will never even know what hit her.
Opening credit sequence.
Students mill in the corridors on their way to classes. Buffy walks with Willow and they enter a classroom.
This is going to be great. I thought it might be a little weird being back. I mean, it is weird but like a good kind of weird.
The classroom has long tables set up in a rectangle. They walk around the perimeter and find empty seats.
There's the teacher, Mike.
MIKE is dressed casually, writing on the blackboard.
You'll like Mike.
You call your teacher Mike? Boy, school sure has changed since my day.
Mike turns from the blackboard and addresses the class.
Social Construction of Reality. Who can tell me what that is? (hands go up) Rachel?
A concept involving a couple of opposing theories, one stressing the externality and independence of social reality from individuals.
Buffy stares at Rachel like she's speaking Farsi.
And the flip side? Steve?
That each individual participates fully in the construction of his or her own life.
Good, and who can expand on that? Chuck?
Well, those on the latter side of the theoretical divide stress...
Will, I'm not following this too well.
Oh, the trick is to get in the rhythm, kinda go with the flow.
She raises her hand.
Flow-going would be a lot easier if your classmates weren't such big brains.
Buffy, that's ridiculous! They are no smarter than you or me.
Willow?
Because social phenomena don't have unproblematic objective existences. They have to be interpreted and given meaning by those who encounter them.
Nicely put. So Ruby, does that mean there are countless realities?
Buffy stares at Willow like she just grew a third eye.
What?
You're not dumb. Just rusty.
Maybe I should ease back in with some non-taxing classes like Introduction to Pies or maybe Advanced Walking.
Tara joins them.
Hey! How'd it go?
She did fine! Sociology not a big fave.
She didn't like Mike?
No, look, it's fine. I just need to spend a little more time re- acclimating. You know, to get back into the swing of things.
A guy bumps Buffy as he walks past them. His hand brushes her clothing and leaves behind a tiny metal object. Buffy almost falls over but Willow and Tara catch her.
Hey! You could at least say sorry, rude-o!
Everybody's in a hurry.
The girls exchange an annoyed look and continue walking.
The guy ducks around a corner. It's Warren. He looks up and sees a surveillance camera on the ceiling, turns away from it and speaks into the collar of his sweatshirt.
Francis 7, this is Logan 5. I'm in position, do you copy?
Various images flicker on a bank of computer monitors. Jonathan sits in front of them with a microphone ear-piece headset on. Andrew stands behind him, watching over his shoulder.
Yeah, Warren, we copy that. And you're up on the monitor.
Hey, Warren, this is working great.
The monitors show Warren as he smiles and waves at the camera.
Runner is tagged, inhibitor is on. Repeat, inhibitor is on. Initiate omega pulse sequence.
A small satellite transmitter emerges from the top of the van and swivels into position.
Buffy and Tara walk through the halls together.
My Art Appreciation class doesn't start for another twenty minutes so we've got some time to kill. Here. (hands book to Buffy) You'll like it, it's very mellow.
Buffy opens the book and looks at the different paintings. A strange buzzing noise, like static on TV, attracts her attention. She frowns and looks up.
...didn't think she liked my cooking until I realized that that was her yummy face. You know how her nose--
Buffy starts and turns to find Tara sitting on a bench nearby instead of standing next to her.
What was that?
What was what?
That noise. What was that about, about cooking? Whose yummy face?
Willow. Wow, you really got engrossed in that Renaissance book.
I guess. I... must have spaced out.
Buffy gives the book back to Tara and goes over to a drinking fountain.
Oh, I do that sometimes. Once, Willow and I were watching Spongebob Squarepants...
As Buffy drinks, the buzzing noise sounds again.
Buffy? Are you coming?
Tara is now all the way down the hall by a set of double doors.
We're going to be late for class.
What the f--
Warren opens the door and climbs in, shutting it behind him.
Is it working? Is it doing it?
Dude, it's doing it.
And it's wicked cool.
Tara walks into a crowded classroom, pauses just inside the door and turns as Buffy comes running around the corner.
Tara! Tara!
The classroom doors close in her face. The halls are now empty and Buffy looks around in dismay.
Buzzing.
Students begin pouring out of the classrooms into the hallways. Tara walks up behind Buffy.
Buffy, where have you been? You missed art class.
Missed? Tara, something freaky's going on. It's like I'm--
Buffy looks over at a wall clock. The hands on the clock zip from 11:50 to 12:10.
Look, there! There! Did you see--
She looks around to find Tara gone. The halls are deserted again.
Crap!
She heads for the exit.
Buffy exits the building and runs down the stairs. Students mill about in various directions.
Tara!
Tara is a ways off.
Tara, wait!
Buffy's POV: the students zip around the quad in a fantastic blur. They flow around her, to fast for the eye to follow. One of them knocks her down.
Buffy starts crawling toward a stone picnic table. Another student hits her and she falls over on her back, moaning in pain. She finally makes it under the safety of the table and huddles there, thinking.
The trio eagerly watches Buffy on the monitors.
That noise. There's something on me.
She begins examining her clothing and takes off her sweater.
Oh, no.
Uh-oh.
She found it.
The image of Buffy on the monitor tilts from side to side as she examines her sweater.
She finds the tiny metal device attached to her sweater and removes it, holds it in the palm of her hand and stares at it in confusion.
Oh, this is bad, this is bad.
Self-destruct! Self-destruct!
I don't know. I--
No!
Warren reaches over and flips up a plastic casing that covers a large red button. He hesitates a moment, then pushes the button.
The device disintegrates in Buffy's hand and she looks around warily as the people around her return to normal speed.
Warren plops down in the bean-bag chair.
Okay, score me.
Rrrright. Fifty points for ingenuity, another thirty since it involved actual contact.
Very smooth, by the way.
On the freak-o-meter, I'd say she was at a six.
Oh, come on! It's an eight, easy!
Jonathan and Andrew confer quietly for a moment.
We'll split the diff, call it a seven. Which is good for a 140, giving you a grand total of...
Two hundred and twenty.
Beat that!
Oh, I will. I will.
Massive machinery and men in hardhats move all about the site. Buffy and XANDER, also wearing hardhats and tool belts, walk through the site. Buffy carries a lunchbox, her hair in pigtails.
This is going to be great. Diving into the workforce, being a bread-winner, building things with my hands.
Actually, you won't be building so much as lifting and toting.
Toting?
It's just a temp gig, Buff. You know, unless it tanks. Since you're not union, I had to call in a few favors to get you on a crew.
Well, I appreciate it. Muchly. You saved me from having to accept Giles' offer to work at the Magic Box. I mean, retail? Yeee. (shudders) I'd rather be dead. Again.
Uh-huh. So Giles have any thoughts about your little fast- forward freak-out at school?
No. Well, he implied that maybe it was stress-related. Like I was imagining it or something. I don't know. Maybe. I guess I could have been blacking out but... there was this thing on my sweater, you know? And then it just blew away or went poof. Maybe it was lint. (excited) Maybe it was evil lint!
Okay, first tip of the day. When I introduce you to Tony the foreman? You might want to leave out stuff about blacking out and evil lint.
They approach TONY and a group of guys standing around looking at blueprints.
Hey, Tony. This is Buffy. You know, that friend I told you about.
Buffy offers her hand.
Nice to meet you, Tony.
Tony doesn't shake, just scowls at Xander. Buffy awkwardly pulls her hand back and looks around at the other men.
Guys.
Hard stares all around.
You gotta be kiddin' me. We're a week behind, I got two men out on the DL and now you want us to babysit some little girl?
Excuse me, but I--
Hang on, Gidget! (to Xander) This stinks, Harris. What am I supposed to do with her?
Give her a chance. She's stronger than she looks.
Tony sneers and turns back to the blueprints.
That's the spirit! (to Buffy) Don't mind him. He may seem pig- ignorant, rude and a little hostile... (beat) Have fun!
He pats Buffy on the shoulder and turns to leave.
Whoa, where are you going?
Upstairs. I need to supervise the sheetrock hangers. Don't sweat it. I'll be back to check on you later.
Xander heads into the skeletal building.
Okay, Danny, finish puttin' in those J-boxes. Vince, Marco, I need you to haul the steel inside.
MARCO chuckles and shakes his head.
Gee, I don't know, Tone. I don't want to get in trouble with those affirmative action lawyers, you know what I'm sayin'? Why don't you put little Britney here on hauling duty?
It's Buffy.
Okay, princess, you're on it. Try not to break a nail.
The guys laugh nastily. Buffy shoots Tony a withering look and walks toward a pile of large steel girders. VINCE joins her.
Don't worry about it. And don't let them hassle you into doing something stupid and hurting yourself. These beams weigh quite a few hundred pounds.
Buffy effortlessly picks up a massive beam and swings it onto her shoulder.
Which way?
The men are speechless. Vince points toward the half-finished building.
Thanks!
She casually carries the beam into the structure.
Later. Buffy is still ferrying girders back and forth. She sets one down on a pile while chatting with DANNY, a welder.
So basically I'm just trying to learn everything I can, you know? 'Cause I don't want just a job, you know? I want a career, something I can grow into.
She helps Danny lift a massive support beam into position.
I mean, I never thought I'd be working in construction... but when you think about it, it kinda makes sense.
Hey. We get paid by the hour. You want to ruin it for the rest of us? Slow down.
Buffy nods and Danny stalks off. Tony watches in the b.g.
POV: the construction site seen through binoculars. Focus in on Buffy.
Ah! Got visual of subject, four o'clock.
Warren and Jonathan sit in the passenger seat of the van, looking out the window. Warren holds the binoculars up to his face.
That's not four o'clock.
Well, it is if you're facing the front of the van.
But we're not facing the front of the van. We're facing out that way. That's twelve, so she's at two o'clock.
Look, she's over there, okay?
Okay.
Warren lifts the binoculars to look again. Jonathan turns to the back of the van. Andrew sits on the floor reading a comic.
You're up.
Andrew tosses the comic aside and picks up a set of wooden pipes. He begins to play them, blowing air across the tops.
Buffy heads over to the water cooler and takes a cup. She suddenly straightens up and looks around in confusion. Seeing nothing out of the ordinary, she shrugs and turns back to fill her cup.
A hand picks up a wrench and approaches Buffy from behind. She senses him and stands up quickly, spilling water on herself.
Oh! Oh.
It's just Tony, the foreman.
Jumpy? What's the matter? I scare ya?
Buffy launches herself at him and shoves him aside as a massive green demon in a long trenchcoat attacks. She tosses her hardhat aside and squares off in a fighting stance. Two more demons drop down from above and surround Buffy.
The fight is fast and furious, Buffy somersaulting, flipping and landing devastating blows on her opponents. She picks up a shovel from the floor and pounds one of demons to the ground, then drives it through the creature.
The creature's body instantly dissolves into a greenish slime, which then evaporates, leaving only an oily stain.
The other two demons pursue the construction workers.
No, don't hurt me! Please! Help me!
Hey!
The demons turn and attack Buffy. She fights off one and strangles the other with a length of wire. It falls to the ground and disintegrates.
Buffy kicks the third demon back against a compressor, then picks the creature up and shoves its head into intake. She pulls out a cable and the pneumatic machinery begins to compress, crushing the demon's head. It's body twitches for a moment, then goes limp and evaporates.
The trio watches through the window with the binoculars.
Oh, man. She took 'em out.
Let me see.
He grabs the binoculars.
Okay, give it back now.
No, I'm still looking.
No, you had your turn, now give me--
No, I'm still--
Give me--
Andrew grabs for the binoculars and Warren shoves him away. He falls and his elbow hits the horn, which blasts the them to Star Wars.
Buffy hears the honking and peers curiously outside. She sees the black van sitting on the street beyond the fence.
All three dive for the floor. Jonathan and Warren crawl backward and glare angrily at Andrew.
Hey. All you said was lose the mural.
The workers help each other up as Xander runs over to Buffy.
Oh, my god! Buffy, what... what happened? How... aw, Buffy, I know these guys can be jerks but was it really necessary--
I didn't do this!
Tony approaches, holding a rag to his bleeding forehead.
I'll tell you what she did. I came over to tell your friend I was impressed by the job she was doing, liking the way she handles herself, and all of a sudden she goes berserk and attacks me.
Wha--? I saved you from the--
She pulls Xander aside.
The demons! There were these three big apey things!
No. No, not here. Not at my job. That's your job.
I can't help where the Forces of Darkness attack me, Xander.
Buffy, would you look at this mess? Do you have any idea how much it's going to cost to repair this? And what am I supposed to say to the clients? Should I just show them the demon bodies and say it's all their fault?
You can't. They melted. But... there are witnesses! Vince! Vince! You'll tell him, right? How I jumped in and protected you from those... things?
Hey, I don't know what you're talking about. All I know is you were losin' it or something. That time of the month, huh?
What? You were huddled in a corner! Crying! Like a baby!
Hey, hey. No way. Me, crying?
Furious, Buffy stalks off past Vince and Tony.
You're trippin', sweetie. (to Tony) What's her problem?
Xander sighs and follows Buffy.
Outside. Buffy has her hardhat on again.
I didn't imagine this, Xander.
I know. I believe you. In fact, I'm starting to think between this attack and the school thing that somebody's messing with you.
Really? You think they're connected?
Well, there's something going on. I think it's worth checking out and I don't mean later. You need to see Giles and get on it right away. I'd start with IDing those demons.
You're firing me, aren't you?
Big time. The whole melty thing ought to help narrow it down.
Buffy takes off her hardhat and gives it to him.
Try sketching them-- that always helps-- and then maybe, when I get off work, I'll help you go through the mug shots.
Buffy and Anya move through the store together.
This is going to be great. You know, I've always been interested in... interested in retail.
They descend the stairs and Anya heads toward the counter. Giles carries a large stack of books to the reading table and sets them down next to several other piles.
Is this all research or just some kind of stress test for the table?
I just want to be thorough. This time anomaly and then the demon attacks could be completely unrelated events but if they're not, you might be in some danger.
So situation normal, then.
Giles sits down and opens a book. Anya comes over with a three-ring binder.
Let's review. You record returns here. These are the slips for special orders. You ship them wherever the customer wants. And these are the hold slips.
Fill out two hold slips for each item.
Oh, and be sure to remove the items from the shelf. I can illustrate with an amusing story about a crystal.
CU: a shelf behind the table with a human skull and candle resting on it. A tiny camera is mounted in one of the skull's eyes.
A monitor shows the view from the skull-camera.
See there was this certain customer who wanted to purchase a sapphire. Sapphire... well, ding-dong. Right? And so anyway, I...
Warren yawns with boredom as he watches. He turns down the volume.
This is so dull I might actually have fallen asleep and be dreaming you guys.
Why is the Slayer here anyway? She's a student, she's a construction worker and now she's some kind of... selling stuff person?
It's like she's completely without focus. (beat) Should we check the other channels for free cable porn?
Guys, I'm ready.
Jonathan sits on the floor. The other two join him, forming a triangle. Jonathan holds a piece of paper in one hand and a cigarette lighter in the other.
I need you to hold hands.
Warren holds out his hand to Andrew, who recoils.
With each other?
Well, you know what homophobia really means about you, don't you?
Warren picks up a piece of bone and points it at Andrew.
Stop touching my magick bone!
Warren puts the bone down as he and Andrew burst out giggling.
Shut up. (beat) Okay.
Warren grabs Andrew's hand as Jonathan sets the paper on fire.
Okay, it's in Latin, so don't laugh. It's supposed to sound like this.
He puts the burning paper down and picks up the bone. A triangle is painted in red on the floor, a bowl in the center with the burning paper inside it. Jonathan waves the bone over it.
Opus orbit est, et ea in medio, tempus ad calcem intendit.
Clouds of smoke begin to rise from the bowl. Jonathan grins at the other guys.
Buffy is bored. In the b.g. behind Buffy, outside the shop window across the street, the black van's doors pop open and smoke billows out. The nerds fall out onto the street, coughing and sputtering.
Giles approaches Buffy as a customer enters.
Buffy, a word in your ear. While I was running the store, I found it useful to imagine myself back in the library. You know, if you concentrate on service and not on making a sale, you're more likely to have a satisfied customer.
Guess I'll have to find my own style.
Yes, quite right.
That woman. Go sell her something.
Anya smiles, pats Buffy on the back and walks off. As Buffy hesitantly approaches the WOMAN, another CUSTOMER stops her. He's looking at a display of scented candles.
Miss? Which candle creates a more romantic atmosphere?
Buffy picks up a candle, sniffs it, looks at the sticker on the bottom.
Hmm. "Lemon Seduction."
She puts it down, picks up another and sniffs it, makes a wrinkled face.
Ew! (looks at sticker) "Essence of Slug."
She hands the first candle to the customer.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Yeah. (to woman) May I help you?
I need something for a prosperity spell. I heard you have it. The mummy hand?
Yeah, actually, I saw one downstairs. It's kinda hairy, though. Maybe it was a daddy hand.
She smiles but the customer doesn't get the joke.
I'll just get it.
She turns and heads for the basement.
Buffy walks around looking for the mummy hand. She examines the jars lining the shelves.
Petrified hamster... yuch! Eyeballs and honey. Dagger of Lex...
She finds the mummy hand sitting atop a wooden crate.
Hmm. Ancient mummy hand.
She reaches out to pick it up when it suddenly springs to life. It leaps at her and grabs her by the throat. She wrestles with it, pulls it off and tosses it back onto the crate. She grabs the Dagger of Lex from the shelf and stabs it into the back of the mummy hand. The hand continues moving for a moment and then finally stops. Buffy stares at it, panting.
The woman reacts with dismay as Buffy holds up the dagger with the mummy hand impaled on it.
And you get the Dagger of Lex for free with it! See the inlaid mother-of-pearl... underneath the black oozing goo?
This hand is dead. The power is gone. I'm not giving you money for this!
Oh, it's just playing dead. (swats it) Little scamp.
She looks at the woman hopefully.
The bell above the door jingles and the woman enters-- again.
Buffy turns around. She no longer holds the dagger or the mummy hand. She's back where she was a few minutes ago. Giles comes up behind her.
Buffy, a word in your ear. While I was running the store, I found it useful to imagine myself back in the library. You know, if you concentrate on service and not on making a sale, you're more likely to have a satisfied customer.
Buffy frowns in confusion and turns to Giles.
Huh? What? Huh? We did this just now. Giles, something is happening.
Yes, quite right.
The evil nerds watch Buffy and Giles on the monitors.
You did it! Dude, she's looping! What'd you do, enchant the hand thing?
Well, not exactly. I made it so she had to satisfy a customer with a task that resists solving. (beat) Maybe I should have done more.
Like what?
I don't know. Like make her kind of itchy?
Giles walks away as Buffy turns to the woman.
Go help the lady who just came in.
Wait--
Don't worry, don't be nervous. Do what I do: just picture yourself naked.
As Anya pushes her toward the customer, the man by the candles stops her.
Miss--
Here.
Buffy grabs the lemon candle, hands it to him and continues on her way.
Hi. I'm looking for something really specific. I heard you carry it.
A mummy hand. (off her look) You look like the mummy hand type. Sorry, I can't get that for you.
I called here twenty minutes ago and someone said you had one.
Yeah, but... there's a thing happening.
You have one and I was told I could buy it and I'm sorry but I'm really going to have to hold you to that. I'm not leaving until I get a mummy hand.
Okay... I guess I'll have to get it for you.
Smart. She's figuring out the game. Satisfy the customer. Well, she might just have you beat there, Stretch.
No way. It hasn't even started yet.
I just hope she solves it faster than Data did on the ep of TNG where the Enterprise kept blowing up.
Or Mulder in that X-Files where the bank kept exploding.
Scully wants me so bad.
The mummy hand dances around on the crate tapping its fingers.
Buffy approaches with a knife in one hand and a set of tongs in the other. She prepares to attack.
The woman peers into a paper bag with a look of disgust.
Fingers sold separately.
The door bell jingles as the woman walks in-- again.
Buffy sighs and heads toward her.
Where are you going?
Lady needs a mummy hand.
What? You haven't even talked to her yet.
I could explain but you would just forget it.
I'm worried about you. Retail is a fast-paced and exciting world. I mean, this whole day-- has it gone by too quickly for you?
No. No, I don't think that's exactly the problem.
Buffy starts toward the customer again as Giles approaches.
Buffy, a word in your ear. If you think of the store as a library, it'll help you to concentrate on service rather than selling.
Yes. And then I'm going to marry Bob Dole and raise penguins in Guam.
Yes, quite right.
Giles puts his glasses back on and turns away. Buffy rolls her eyes and starts toward the customers. She grabs the lemon candle.
Miss, I--
Buffy shoves the candle into his hand and continues toward the woman.
Mummy hand, right? You got it, lady.
Buffy doesn't even stop, just heads for the basement.
Later. Buffy pulls at the mummy hand which is trying to strangle the woman. She pries it loose only to have it latch onto the woman's throat again. Her eyes bulge as the hand strangles her.
The bell jingles again.
Buffy stalks to the front, completely ignoring the male customer.
Miss...
Buffy strides over to the front door, pulls it open and steps outside... only to emerge in the store again at the rear. Giles, Anya and the two customers stare at her.
Miss?
Hi.
Buffy sits in the basement with her chin resting on her hand, watching idly as the mummy hand plays with the tongs. The bell jingles and she looks up.
Buffy goes over to the front door and rips the bell from the wall. She smiles, satisfied.
The bell jingles as the door opens and woman enters again.
Buffy strides toward the front and tosses the male customer the slug-scented candle.
Ya like slug? Go with slug. She's not going to sleep with you anyway.
This mummy hand has ceased to be!
It is an ex-mummy hand!
Warren smacks Andrew in the face with a rubber hand.
The door opens. Giles approaches Buffy.
Buffy, a word in your ear.
Buffy grabs Giles' glasses, throws them to the floor and stomps on them again and again.
The door jingles. Buffy looks desperate.
The woman looks at the merchandise. Buffy runs over to her and grabs her by the front of her jacket.
It's you. You're doing this!
Buffy hustles her toward the door.
The bell jingles. Buffy turns to the door, resigned.
The male customer doubles over as the candle hits him in the stomach. The bell jingles.
Buffy sobs with frustration.
The bell jingles.
I know we promised you a mummy hand, it's just... I can't get it for you. There's something wrong with it. It's defective.
Defective? Are you sure? There must be something you can do.
But there's no way to get--
Buffy suddenly stops as she realizes the solution to the problem. A smile spreads across her face.
--to get that hand. But I can special-order one. We can deliver it anywhere you want.
Really?
Buffy rings the woman up and closes the sale.
Thank you for shopping at the Magic Box.
The woman hands Buffy the special-order slip and leaves.
Oh, ho! Yes!
They laugh and high-five each other.
So... Warren had 220 and I had that bonus for getting her fired...
But the biggest component has to be how long it took to finish. Mine took the longest.
Only from a perspective external to the time-loops. From Mr. Giles' perspective, it was shortest of all.
So what do we do?
Oh, it's obvious. I mean, it's not over.
Buffy finishes up the paperwork as Anya and Giles approach, smiling.
Buffy, your first sale! Congratulations.
Buffy smiles. Anya takes the invoice and examines it.
You didn't charge for delivery.
Oh. Well, your first day, you know, these things happen.
Yeah, I'll just take it out of your pay.
Buffy shoots her a sour look.
Yes, I'm sure Buffy would understand that.
Buffy moves out from behind the counter and slaps something down on it as she passes.
Absolutely.
CU: the counter. Buffy's name tag:
Hello! My name is BUFFY
Ask me about curses!
Buffy disappears out the front door.
Buffy and SPIKE sit on a coffin together. Spike smirks as Buffy holds up a shot glass full of whiskey.
This is gonna be great.
She pours the shot down her throat and makes a horrible face.
Blaaah!
Spike lifts his own shot glass to his mouth and slams it down.
Life is stupid.
I have a dim memory of that, yeah. And I didn't figure you were here cadging my whiskey 'cause life's all full of blood and peaches.
No. There's this thing... someone's doing stuff to me. Messing up my life. Except that it was kind of pre-messed already. You know, with school and jobs... pretty bad even without the evil.
So you just what? Gonna let this whoever play you till it figures out what kills you?
Giles is working on it.
Oh, good, 'cause Giles wields the mighty force of library books.
You'd do better?
Damn right! I'd hit the demon world.
Buffy begins refilling their glasses from Spike's flask. She's slightly tipsy by now.
Ask questions, throw punches, find out what's in the air. Hmm? It's fun, too.
It's not my kind of fun.
Yeah. It is. (beat) And your life's going to get a lot less confusing when you figure that out.
You have had so too much to drink at this point, I am cuttin' you off.
They both empty their glasses again.
Blaaah!
Spike watches with a smile.
You're not a schoolgirl. You're not a shop girl.
Buffy empties the flask into her glass.
You're a creature of the darkness. Like me. Try on my world. See how good it feels.
Are there drinks in your world?
Spike grins.
Loud rock music blares, people drink to excess. Spike enters, followed by Buffy. She grimaces.
Your motorcycle is loud.
Sssspike.
The BARTENDER's forked tongue flickers in and out. Spike nods a greeting to him and counts out several bills.
The usual, Dave, and one for the lady. (to Buffy) We're heading for the back room, pet. It's where the real action is.
The bartender sets out two shot glasses and fills them but Buffy grabs the bottle out of his hand, removes the pour-spout and drinks straight from the bottle.
Blaaah!
Spike sighs, peels off a few more bills and hands them to the bartender. He takes the two shot glasses and heads toward the back.
Spike and Buffy enter. Buffy looks around and sways, slightly off-balance.
These lowlifes know everything happens in this town.
Oh, good. These are the lowlifes.
The four demons sitting around a card table look up at them.
Fine. A little louder. (to demons) Boys, what's the game?
One demon has a multitude of EYES, another has scaly skin and a several dreadlock-like TENTACLES, the third has a GREEN face and horns and the last has loose folds of SKIN.
You know the game, Spike. You in?
He kills our kind. Don't let him in.
Spike grabs Eyes demon by the front of his jacket and yanks him up out of his chair.
Oh, ask him if he's heard--
Later.
Spike shoves the demon toward the door and sits down in his seat.
You're going to play cards?
I need a moment with my lady.
They shrug and Spike gets up and pulls Buffy aside.
You want to play, that's fine. Okay? I am sticking to the original plan. (re: demons) Which one do I kill for information?
Listen. These guys talk while they play. We'll get more information out of their mouths than out of gaping holes in their corpses.
Buffy frowns but finally rolls her eyes in agreement and Spike returns to his seat. She sits nearby, removes her jacket and holds the bottle of whiskey in her lap.
I'm in. Everybody okay with that?
Ante up.
All three demons reach under their chairs and produce a small kitten. They put the squirming kittens in a basket in the center of the table.
You play for kittens?
So who's going to advance me a tiny tabby, get me started? (beat) Come on, someone's gotta stake me.
I'll do it!
Spike shoots her a sour look.
What, you thought I was just gonna let that lie there?
She takes a swig from the bottle.
Blaaah!
The black van moves slowly down the street, Warren at the wheel.
Where're we going?
To Final Jeopardy. Where Buffy's the one in jeopardy.
We are really super-villains now like... like Dr. No.
Yeah, back when Bond was Connery and movies were decent.
Who remembers Connery? I mean, Roger Moore was smooth.
You're insane. You're short and you're insane.
I like Timothy Dalton!
Warren smacks Andrew upside the head.
Hey!
Don't make me pull over, okay?
Spike looks at his cards, grins, and puts them down on the table. He has a straight: 4-5-6-7-8 of clubs. The other demons groan and throw down their cards.
Spike smiles and stands up. The table is now covered with kittens and Spike opens the lid of a basket and begins dropping the kittens inside.
You're lucky today, Spike.
Got my good-luck charm with me.
Buffy smiles and takes a swig.
Blaaah!
You cleaned us out. No one's that lucky.
Yeah. I'm starting to think you cheat.
Me? I cheat? (re: Tentacles) He's got X-ray vision!
I'm not using it.
We are not the ones who are cheating!
A tense moment. An ace of spades pops out of the folds of his skin.
I had no idea that was there! I could have leaned on that days ago.
You better go, Spike. Things could get ugly.
Got ugly the second he walked in. Him and his human.
Her skin's so tight, I don't even know how you can look at her.
Spike stands up angrily.
Leave your winnings and get out. We'll forget this whole thing.
Ah, so it's a setup, isn't it? Squeeze a few quid outta the vamp. Well, I'll tell you what you didn't count on. (re: Buffy) Me and the bird.
Blaaah!
You want to fight? You face the two of us.
Buffy is very drunk now, her words slurred.
What? I'm not getting into a bar fight! I'll beat 'em up for information, great, but not to defend your right to gamble for kittens! Which, by the way, is stupid currency.
They're delicious!
Come on, Slayer! A big fight's just what you need.
Forget it. I'm not playing by anyone else's rules any more. I'm done.
She staggers drunkenly over to the table, opens the basket and tips it over, setting the kittens free. The demons howl in protest.
Hey, I won those two!
Be free, kittens!
They're getting away!
Buffy leaves as the demons frantically try to re-capture the kittens. Spike runs after Buffy.
Buffy heads out, slipping into her jacket. Spike grabs her shoulder, turns her around.
What's wrong, luv?
What's wrong? You were going to help me! You were going to beat heads and fix my life! But you're completely lame!
She gestures wildly with her arms, swaying slightly.
Tonight sucks! And look at me! Look at stupid Buffy! Too dumb for college and freak Buffy, too strong for construction work. And my job at the magick shop? I was bored to tears even before the hour that wouldn't end! And the only person I can even stand to be around is a... neutered vampire who cheats at kitten poker!
Oh, you saw the cheating, did you?
Also? I think you're drunk.
She whirls around and storms out of the bar.
All three file into the rear of the van and sit down.
Connery is Bond. He had style.
Yeah, but Roger Moore was funny.
Moonraker? The gondola turns into a hovercraft? It's retarded. Besides, the guy had like no edge.
Dalton had edge. In Licence to Kill he was a rogue agent. That's edgy. And he was amazing in The Living Daylights.
Yeah, which was written for Roger Moore, not Timothy Dalton!
Okay, this is stupid! We're wasting time. End of discussion.
The other two nod and turn to their consoles, begin typing. Long beat.
I mean, there's a shot of like pigeons doing double-takes when the gondola blasted by! Moonraker is inexcusable.
Spike comes out of the bar and nearly bumps into Buffy who stands in the street, arms crossed, staring at the black van.
That van.
You want to steal a van, I'm with you, luv, but we have got the motorcycle.
I've seen it before. At the construction site.
She moves toward it.
Connery is the only actor of the bunch.
Timothy Dalton should get an Oscar and beat Sean Connery over the head with it!
Okay, that's it.
Warren spins around and seizes Andrew in a headlock.
Hey! Stop it! Guys!
Jonathan tries to break them up, looks up at the monitors and gasps.
Look!
Buffy walks toward the van.
She's coming over here! What do we do?
Jonathan, grab your magick bone.
Warren and Andrew burst into giggles again.
Buffy approaches the van, frowning.
A large DEMON comes around the rear of the van and roars at Buffy. He has red skin, curved horns and wings and wears a loincloth.
You have discovered me! But do not try to defeat me for I have been testing you and I know your weaknesses. Ha ha ha!
The demon suddenly looks over in dismay as the van starts up and drives off.
Buffy tries to punch the demon but misses due to her intoxication. She backs up and kicks the demon square in the groin. It doubles over in pain and Buffy falls backward onto her butt.
Spike tries to help her up.
I'm okay! I'm fine! Get off me!
I am well struck! I call on the misty portal to my demon dimension where I will lay my head and gently die.
The demon throws something on the ground and a shower of sparks and smoke rises into the air giving him cover to run away.
Buffy and Spike cough and wave the smoke away.
He blew up. Did you see that?
Yeah, I saw. He's gone.
Gotta love it, you know. It makes you feel all powerful. Strong. (beat) Kinda sick.
The van is parked on a dark side street. The demon runs up on the driver's side, panting.
She hurt me all over.
Someone will see you! Get in the back.
I won't fit.
Well, do the... thing.
Oh, right. Let the spell be ended!
The demon shrinks and shifts back into Jonathan, holding the loincloth around his waist. He groans in pain and hobbles to the back of the van. He opens the rear door and climbs in.
Ahh! Ow.
Warren wraps a blanket around Jonathan. He falls into a chair, still groaning.
Next time I do that spell, one of you guys has to look like the demon.
The Slayer touched you.
Yeah, it was sexy the way she touched me real hard with her fists. I only looked big. I actually had the proportional strength of... me.
Guys, think about this. We took on the Slayer. I mean, we've got all kinds of stuff in the computer now... speed, strength, reaction time. We're getting what we need to really become a threat to her. We tested her, faced her... and we survived.
Unless I have internal injuries that will eventually kill me.
Oh, of course, but barring that, Warren's right. We did good!
The Trio versus the Slayer. It's not over.
Plus, look what Warren and me discovered by accident before we drove away!
Andrew jumps up and gets into one of the chairs and fiddles with the equipment. The other two watch over his shoulder.
What?
Free cable porn!
Giles stands in the hallway outside the bathroom holding a glass of water. The bathroom door opens and Buffy comes out, walking gingerly. Giles hands her the glass.
Feel any better?
I think at one point, I actually turned completely inside out. But yeah, better.
I'm sorry I didn't find this demon with my research.
She sits on floor next to the bed.
It's okay. It wasn't much of a fight. I got lucky. (beat) I'm really screwing up, Giles.
What? Come on. You were being tested-- sequentially-- by some unknown demon. I don't call that screwing up.
No, it completely is. I let the demon set the rules.
Go easy on yourself, will you? I mean, you don't have to figure the whole thing out at once, you know. Job and everything. You're pushing yourself too hard.
The nice people at the phone company? Seem to think it's not hard enough.
Well, maybe there's something I can do about that.
He takes a piece of paper from his pocket and hands it to her.
This is... it's for you.
A check?
She unfolds it and looks at the amount, stunned.
This is too much. I can't take it.
Well, tear it up, then.
He reaches for it and she snatches it away.
No! I was just being polite. (smiles) I'm taking the money. This is... this is great. This is more than great.
Giles puts his hand on her shoulder and she looks up at him.
I don't... really know how to say this but it's a little like having Mom back.
In this scenario, I am your mother?
Want to be my shiftless absentee father?
Is there some sort of rakish uncle?
I'm just saying... thank you. So much.
Buffy tries to get up and groans in pain. Giles helps her stand.
I'm going to show this to Dawn. She loves it when things get easy.
She walks to the door and pauses, looking back at Giles.
I just want to tell you that... this makes me feel safe. Knowing you're always going to be here.
Giles smiles and nods but as soon as Buffy leaves the room, his smile changes to a worried frown.