[Transcript of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" episode Gone at buffyology.com.]
CU: a table covered with magick paraphernalia: tarot cards, candles, small bowls and boxes of herbs, etc.
BUFFY sweeps everything off the table into a box. She removes pillar candles from the table and puts them in the box also.
DAWN stands nearby, helping load the box with books. Her injured arm is in a sling.
Candles? We can't have candles?
Dawn, it's magick clearance. Everything must go.
Buffy looks over at WILLOW who watches morosely but nods in acquiescence.
But they're just candles!
Well, yeah. To you and me they're just candles but to witches they're... like bongs. So no candles, no charms... no--
Bird.
No bird?
That peacock on the table. It has two crystals in it.
Buffy picks up the small bird statue and opens it. She dumps the two crystals into the box.
Tara, she... she left them.
I'll make sure she gets them.
Buffy goes through the room putting anything magickal into the box. Dawn follows her, anxious.
Dawn, do me a favor. Can you grab the fertility god statue on the desk over there?
Kokopelli?! No! I love him! And he was Mom's.
Buffy stares at her.
Why do we have to get rid of so many things I like?
Dawn, I explained this to you. Willow has a problem. The next few weeks are going to be crazy hard on her as it is. Any reminder of what it is that she's trying to stay away from could cause her to give in to temptation.
Buffy digs among the sofa cushions and comes up with a cigarette lighter. She flips it open and stares at it as she flashes back to the night she first slept with Spike.
And that would be bad.
She tosses the lighter into the box along with everything else.
CU: the stolen diamond through a magnifying glass.
WARREN holds it up to his eye, examining it. He sits at workbench with safety goggles on, a rifle-shaped device rests on the bench in front of him. He inserts the diamond into a slot on top of the device. It rests in the center of a star formed by six metal spikes. He closes a glass cover over the diamond compartment and proudly turns to ANDREW and JONATHAN.
Okay, that's it. It's finally done. I mean, it still needs a trial run but it's--
Kind of clunky-looking.
What?
I pictured something cooler. More ILM, less Ed Wood.
You want to see cool? I'll show you cool.
He picks up the gun and points it at them. They back away nervously. Warren fiddles with the controls and the device powers up and the diamond spins in its chamber. He turns the barrel aside as a bolt of reddish plasma arcs out and envelops a leather chair. The chair instantly disappears.
All three stare in awe. Andrew pushes past the others and inspects the area where the chair was standing.
Mama!
Warren watches them with a self-satisfied smirk.
Andrew touches the space where the chair was. His hand bumps against something solid.
Did it... is it...?
Yeah.
Jonathan grins and cautiously sits down on the invisible chair. He spins around a few times, giggling happily. Andrew stares in awe.
I'd call that a successful test.
Well, that's just half the test.
Warren flips switches on the gun again. The diamond begins to whirl in the opposite direction.
Hey! Hey!
Andrew leaps for cover and Jonathan raises his hands to protect himself as Warren zaps the chair beneath him again. It reappears, no worse for wear.
Jonathan stands up angrily.
You penis!
Oh, cheer up, Frodo. Because thanks to my brains and our mystical gem, we got ourselves an invisibility ray. And I'd say that makes us pretty much unstoppable.
Opening credit sequence.
Buffy yells up the stairs.
Dawn, come on, you gotta eat breakfast! Xander's going to be here any second.
No response. Buffy sighs and turns back to Willow who is cooking breakfast in her pajamas.
She's going to be late for school again. How are you doing?
I'm okay. Not "ready to head back to classes, face the world" okay but... the shakiness is only semi now. I thought I'd spend the day fishing the net for more poop on the stolen diamond.
Dawn shuffles into kitchen.
I called you before.
Didn't hear you.
She pours herself a glass of orange juice.
Hey Dawnie, I'm making you a nice omelet.
Not hungry.
Dawn, you need to eat something.
Thanks for your concern.
She slams her glass down and leaves.
Okay, I deserve the Wrath of Dawn but why is she taking it out on you?
Because I let it happen.
Buffy, I was the one who--
Who was drowning. My best friend. And I was too wrapped up in my own dumb life to even notice.
The back door suddenly flies open and SPIKE runs in covered in a smoking blanket. He straightens up, smoothes down his hair and looks at them clamly.
Morning.
What are you doing? And here?
Just took a stroll. Found myself in your neck of the woods.
Couldn't find a less flammable time of day to take a stroll?
Yeah, well, the fact is my lighter's gone missing. Thought it might have dropped outta my pocket the last time I was here.
Haven't seen it.
I'm going to head back to my room, get dressed.
Oh, I...
Buffy starts to follow Willow but realizes how stupid that would look and turns back to Spike, resigned.
Lame.
What?
You. Making up excuses.
Oh, don't flatter yourself, luv. Bloody fond of that lighter.
Stop trying to see me. And stop calling me that.
So... what should I call you, then? Pet? Sweetheart? My... little Goldilocks?
He toys with her hair for a moment.
You know I love this hair. The way it bounces around when you--
Buffy suddenly raises the omelet spatula to hit him but he stops her wrist in mid- swing.
Ah-ah-ah! This flapjack's not ready to be flipped.
What the hell is that supposed to--
He slides his other hand into her jeans and slips a finger into her. She breaks off with a sigh of pleasure, closing her eyes.
Stop that.
Good Godfrey Cambridge, Spike!
Startled, they both turn to find XANDER standing in the doorway. Buffy quickly shoves Spike off of her and drops the spatula into the sink.
Still trying to mack on Buffy? Wake up already. Never gonna happen! Only a complete loser would ever hook up with you. Well, unless she's a simpleton like Harmony or a nut-sack like Drusilla--
Hey! You really need to get Dawn off to school. Let's go fetch her, okay?
Buffy takes Xander by the arm and guides him toward the hallway.
You can let yourself out. Right, Spike?
Spike watches them go with a smirk.
Buffy waits for Dawn with Xander at the base of the stairs.
Dawn! You better get going. Xander's here!
Here.
Dawn comes down the stairs and glares at Buffy.
Okay, you have everything you need?
Yep.
And after school, you--
Yeah, yeah. Let's go, Xander.
You will come straight home.
Buffy opens the door.
Sure. Maybe we can find some time for you to get me into another car accident.
The door opens to reveal DORIS KROGER, a middle-aged woman standing on the porch looking through some papers. Buffy shoots Dawn a sour look, then notices Doris who smiles at Dawn.
Oh, good morning. You must be Dawn.
Can I help you?
Doris holds up her ID.
I'm Doris Kroger from Social Services. We had an appointment?
Oh, for Wednesday.
This is Wednesday.
Buffy looks at Xander who nods.
Right! Well... Dawn, you better...
Dawn rolls her eyes in utter disdain and leaves, pushing past Doris.
And Xander, you'll drive safely?
Yes, ma'am.
Xander follows Dawn out as Doris enters the foyer.
Little bit on the tardy side, isn't she?
Yeah, well, it's been one of those mornings, you know.
Doris walks past her into the living room.
Hey, come on in. Sorry about the mess. Doing a little house- cleaning.
Spike sits slouched in an armchair in the living room.
So we gonna chat this out or what?
Now's really not a good time. I have company.
No worries. I'll wait.
Miss Summers, if you and your boyfriend would like to--
He is not-- (off Spike's look) not my boyfriend. He's just... a...
Spike watches her expectantly.
Spike... this nice woman is from Social Services.
Oh, right! Hey, Buffy's a great mum. She takes good care of her little sis. Like when Dawn was hanging out too much in my crypt, Buffy put a right stop to it.
I'm sorry, did you say--
Crib! He said crib. You know kids today and their buggin' street slang.
Doris isn't convinced. Buffy takes Spike by the arm and turns him around.
Spike, didn't you have to go now, you know, because of that thing?
Thing... yeah. My blanket?
Buffy scowls, picks up the blanket and throws it at him. He catches it and glares back at her. Doris critically watches all this. Spike turns and heads off into the kitchen.
Buffy puts on a bright smile and turns back to the social worker.
He sleeps here?
What? No! No. Oh, the blanket? That's... it's a security thing, you know. He... has issues. Nope, just me and Dawn living here.
Buffy, I'm not feeling hot so I'm going to take a quick nap, okay?
Okay, Will!
Buffy looks nervously at Doris who gives her a questioning look.
That's Willow. She kind of lives here too, actually.
Oh, so you live with another woman?
Oh! Oh, it's not a gay thing. I mean, well...
Doris notices the box full of magickal paraphernalia sitting on the coffee table. She picks up a plastic baggie full of herbs.
...she's gay but we don't... gay. Not that there's anything-- (notices the herbs) Oh! Wrong with... you know, I know what that looks like but I swear it's not... what it looks like. It's magick weed.
Buffy winces when she realizes what she just said and grabs the plastic bag from a horrified Doris and tosses it back in the box.
It's not mine.
I think I've seen enough.
She turns to leave and Buffy hurries after her.
No, actually, I really don't think that you have. It's just... it's been kind of a bad time.
It's been a bad time now for a while, hasn't it, Ms. Summers? Your sister's grades have fallen sharply in the last year due in large part to her frequent absences and lateness.
But there are good reasons.
Oh, I'm sure there are but my interest is in Dawn's welfare and the stability of her home life. Something I'm just not convinced that an unemployed young woman like yourself can provide.
I can. I do!
Well, we'll just have to see about that then, won't we?
She goes to the door, stops and turns back.
Oh, and I'm going to recommend immediate probation in my report.
What does that mean?
It means that I'll be monitoring you very closely, Ms. Summers. And if I don't see that things are improving... well, I'll be forced to recommend that you be stripped of your sister's guardianship.
You can't do that.
I do what is in Dawn's best interest... as should you. Have a nice day.
She leaves. Buffy stares after her for a moment, then sighs and closes the door.
Didn't go well, huh?
Why won't you go?
I just thought you'd want--
Get out of here!
Hurt, Spike lunges forward and pins Buffy against the wall, their faces are inches apart.
Spike slides his finger into Buffy pants pocket and rubs her crotch. She pants heavily, unable to resist him. He slips his lighter out of her pocket and winks at her.
Just getting what I came for, luv.
He leans closer as if to kiss her, then turns away and heads off down the hall.
So long, Goldilocks.
Buffy enters and slams the door, then leans against it, sobbing. She paces around her room, restless, unable to understand the feelings she's having.
She sits down at her vanity and stares at herself in the mirror. She comes to a decision and takes a pair of scissors out of the drawer. With grim determination, she takes a fistful of hair and cuts it off, followed by another, and another.
The stylist, CLEO, looks dubiously at Buffy's mangled hair.
Well, I think I can work with this. What exactly would you like me to do?
Just make me... different.
Warren emerges from the rear of their van, his invisibility gun covered by a cloth. Andrew and Jonathan join him.
I'm scared. What if we get caught?
No way. We'll be invisible. Plus their security's gotten lax.
You should know. You've cased this joint enough.
They emerge from the alley onto Main Street, turn the corner and approach a storefront. The sign in the window reads:
Spa -- Women Only
Bikini Wax Wednesdays
Okay, this is it. Remember... we're professionals.
He drops the cloth revealing the gun.
Buffy exits the salon across the street sporting a new shoulder-length bob. Andrew spots her as she heads toward them.
Slayer!
What? Where?
There. Headed this way.
Warren turns to look fearfully.
Buffy moves between two parked cars and starts to cross the street.
Warren stares at her, momentarily paralyzed by fear. He looks down at his hands and realizes the gun is gone. He turns around and sees Andrew and Jonathan fighting over it.
Give it!
No, I need to be invisible!
I need it more. Buffy can't see me!
Hey, watch it. Don't you--
Warren dashes over and tries to pull the gun away from them. Suddenly the diamond starts spinning up and crimson plasma erupts from the barrel. It whips outward and envelops Buffy as she walks past the mouth of the alley. The energy beam swings past and takes out a tree, a fire hydrant, some traffic cones, and a garbage dumpster, all of which immediately disappear along with Buffy.
The three nerds recoil in shock.
Oopsie.
Xander and ANYA stare down at a diagram.
What happened to Buffy? She's gone.
She's right here.
It's a map of their wedding reception seating arrangements.
Table 4. I put her with your family.
Great. Except we don't hate Buffy.
The door opens, then closes, apparently on its own.
Let's put her back at table 1.
Well, where do I put D'Hoffryn?
We're not inviting D'Hoffryn.
We have to. He's my ex-boss! You're inviting your work buddies.
She's got a point.
Hey, Buffy...
Xander turns but can't find her. Confused, he stands up and looks around.
Where... where are you?
At table 4, apparently.
Well, that remains to be seen. Like you.
Don't strain yourself looking, Xander. I'm Invisible Girl.
Xander continues looking around and raises his hands to breast height.
Um, Xander?
Xander jumps and pulls his hands back quickly.
Sorry! (to Anya) Her clothes are... invisible, too. Buffy, how did this hap-- wait a sec. Have you been feeling ignored lately?
Yeah, ignored. I wish. No, this isn't a Marcie deal. I don't know what happened. I left Main Street after getting my hair cut and--
You cut your hair?
Oh, yeah!
Really? How short?
About up to here. Well, if you could see my hand, it's kind of above my shoulders.
That sounds so adorable! I was thinking about getting my hair cut before the wed--
Can we get back to freaking out about no-show Buffy? This is serious.
I know. It kind of fits the day I've had.
A baseball-sized Indian conjuring sphere rises into the air bounces back and forth as Buffy tosses it from hand to hand.
Willow's still a wreck, Dawn's mad at both of us, and the Social Services lady put me through a wringer. Says she's going to watch me. I'd like to see her try now.
Invisible Buffy holds up a second sphere. The balls have symbols painted on them that make them look like eyes. She holds them next to each other and moves them as if they're looking side to side.
You know, there may be an upside to no-see-me.
Buff, did you see anyone or anything suspicious before you... cleared out?
Buffy continues moves the 'eyes' next to Anya's head, making her nervous. She turns them so they look cross-eyed.
Nope, didn't see nothin'. (laughs) See what I did there, with the eyeballs?
Why would anyone make her invisible anyway? I mean, invisible Slayer's gotta be way more effective than the standard variety.
Yeah, I'm less with the why and more with the how. We get the how, then we got how to make her unseen self seen again, right?
A human skull floats up beside Xander's shoulder. Its mouth moves up and down.
Right!
Buffy, could you focus please?
I am! Just... this is kind of fun.
Well, it would help if we had a little bit more to go on. Or... anything to go on.
Well, I could go check the spot where Buffy disappeared. Snoop for clues.
The skull moves back to the shelf.
Yeah, right. Hey, you know what? I'm just going to... go for a walk.
A walk?
Yeah. Clear my head. You guys keep working on those whats and hows. (laughs; to herself) Clear my head.
The door opens and closes.
Buffy!
Anya shrugs and sits down in front of the seating plan again.
Well, seems pretty obvious it's some kind of spell that's done this to her.
Spell from who? You said it yourself, it makes no sense for one of her enemies to make her invisible.
Maybe it's a mistake.
A magickal mistake? Who'd be messing with that kind of pow--
He stops, considering.
The table is covered with open books. Willow's sits at her computer, drinking from a bottle of water.
She puts the water down, then starts searching the stacks for a particular book. She sees the one she wants at the far end of the table.
Willow holds out her hand and the book trembles. She stops and pulls her hand back as the front door opens.
Willow?
Xander!
Xander walks in and smiles.
How's it going?
Good. I found out some stuff about the diamond stolen from the museum. It's called the Illuminata and there's rumors of it having quasi-mystical quantum properties.
Willow, we need to talk.
We... are talking. Well, I'm talking and you're looking at me funny.
Is there something you want to tell me?
It was nothing. I... didn't slip.
Will, nobody's mad. Relapse is a part of recovery. We understand that. We just have to figure a way to fix it.
Fix what?
Fix Buffy.
Buffy's broken?
Will, you know what I'm talki-- (off her look) You don't know. Rhymes with blinvisible?
What?
Buffy was in town leaving the haircutting place, when she suddenly just--
Buffy got her hair cut?
Yeah! Adorable, apparently. I personally couldn't tell, since she's all blinvisible.
And you think I had something to do with this?
No... not... well, come on, Will. Some of the spells you've done have caused some weird stuff to happen to each of us at one time or another. And let's not forget the recent forgetting.
Oh. I see, so now when anything nasty happens, I get conveniently blamed for it?
No one's blaming!
So I guess it wouldn't matter if I just jump off the wagon completely since you already think I'm making pit stops.
She stands up and puts on her coat.
Well, look, if you said you didn't do it... Willow, where are you going?
For a walk.
She runs out the front door, leaving Xander alone in the house.
Warren works on the invisibility ray with a small blowtorch while Jonathan and Andrew watch.
Couple of circuits are burned out and the wiring's all fried.
But we had so many plans. Naked women and all... (beat) well, all the naked women. (to Jonathan) This is all your fault. If you hadn't grabbed it from me--
Hey, we've got a lot bigger problems here, bonehead. The Slayer's invisible now?
He's right. (to Warren) She could be anywhere. Even here, right now.
All three look around nervously.
Watching. Listening to every word we say. For all we know, she could be one of us!
Warren and Jonathan burst out into laughter. Andrew glares at them defensively.
Oh, wait, no. Guys, that isn't true.
I wouldn't sweat the Slayer too much.
Says you. In my book an invisible Slayer means a whole world of trouble.
A young woman sits on a bench reading a book wearing a purple baseball cap. Suddenly the cap lifts off the woman's head and floats around in front of her face.
I am the ghost of fashion victims past. (normal) Studded caps? Not a good idea.
The woman runs away, terrified.
Hey! I'm doing you a favor!
The cap drops into a garbage can. Buffy watches two people jog past.
Nah... too easy.
She sees a COP standing next to a parked SUV, writing a ticket.
Hmm...
She takes in the cop's golf cart parked behind the SUV.
He suddenly looks up in surprise as his golf cart drives past him by itself and heads off down the street.
So long, copper!
Hey... hey! That's mine! Stop!
The golf cart pulls to a stop at the curb.
Hello, Mrs. Kroger.
Phones ring, people mill about. Doris sits at her desk surrounded by cubicles and co-workers
She reaches for her coffee mug while she looks over some paperwork. She takes a sip and puts the mug down next to her right hand, then makes a note in the file. She reaches for the coffee mug again but it's gone.
What? Where's my...
She finds the mug sitting on the desk by her left hand and laughs nervously. The woman in the next cubicle looks at her warily.
Losing my mind.
She picks up the mug, takes a sip and puts it down on her right again, then goes back to work. When she turns back, the mug is gone again.
Okay, who's the--
She looks up and finds the mug sitting on top of her computer monitor. As she reaches for it, it rises into the air and bounces around.
Kill, kill, kill!
What?
Her co-worker looks over in confusion.
I didn't say anything.
Not you! The mug, it's--
Gone again. Doris looks around, panicked. It's back in its original spot.
But I... I heard something.
She pokes the mug cautiously.
Kill, Doris. Kill everybody.
Doris pushes her chair back and stands up.
You know you want to.
Doris looks at her mug, horrified.
Shut up, shut up, just shut up!
The office goes quiet, everyone staring at her. Frustrated, she turns and walks away. Buffy takes the opportunity to flip through her case files.
Okay... no... no...
She finally finds the one labeled Summers, Dawn.
Yahtzee!
She reads the file, then starts typing on Doris' computer.
Corridor. Doris coming out of the restroom, holding a wet rag to the back of her neck. As she heads back to her desk, her SUPERVISOR calls out to her.
Doris! I've got a few so if you want to discuss that case file now...
What? Oh! Oh, yes, the Summers file. It's right over here.
She goes to her desk, picks up the file and hands it to her boss. He flips through it, then stares at her warily.
It's a fifteen-year-old girl living under her older sister's guardianship. The house is a complete--
What is this? "All work and no play make Doris a dull girl."
What?
"All work and no play make Doris..." The pages are filled with it.
Doris looks at the file. All the forms have been replaced with pages and pages of computer printout with the same sentence repeated over and over. She shakes her head in confusion.
Her printer spits out more similar pages.
I didn't do this! I... (sotto) It was the voice.
Excuse me?
There was a voice before. It made my coffee dance. It told me to...
To what?
Nothing.
Doris... take the rest of the day off. See your doctor.
But what about my cases?
We'll put someone else on them. And have them redo the Summers interview.
Buffy happily whistles Alive as she walks down the hall and out the door.
I'm not crazy. I am not crazy!
Well, no one said that you were.
Xander crosses the street and enters the alley where he finds Willow. She's spraying red paint on the invisible garbage dumpster.
Hey, Will. Whatcha doin'?
Look, Xander, I figured out this was where Buffy disappeared from what you told me, so don't start jumping to any conclusions.
No jumping. Look, feet firmly planted.
I'm not feeling like myself right now, sorry.
Me, too. Sorry. So! What have we found out so far?
Well, take a look at that!
She points to a tire track on the ground.
Something sped outta here pretty darn quick to make that kind of tread mark.
Well, this could have been made any time.
Yeah, but this wasn't.
Willow takes a small vial from her pocket and holds it up.
What is it?
Paint that I scraped off the fire hydrant.
What fire hydrant? Ow!
Xander hops around on one foot, holding his shin, rubbing the bruised spot where he walked into the invisible fire hydrant.
That one. Whatever hit this fire hydrant hit it after it was made invisible. And betcha by golly wow, that something was the same something that shot out of that alley.
Black paint? Buffy's phantom van? (Willow nods) We gotta let Buffy-- whoa!
Xander takes a step backward and bumps into something else.
There's something there.
Willow sprays her paint where he points. A red traffic cone takes shape.
It's a pylon, one of those orange traffic cones. You should take it to the Magic Box. It might help you and Anya figure out what kind of spell was used.
What about you?
Well, I got paint scrapings... and a tire mark. I'm going to find this van that's been stalking Buffy. By the way, where is Buffy?
Xander shrugs, at a loss.
Spike sits slouched in his chair watching TV.
Oh, my god, the blood! Look at all the blood!
Spike licks his lips and looks down at his stomach, then gets up and goes to his refrigerator. He takes out a jar of blood and pauses in mid-sip when he hears a noise: the door to the crypt is open, swinging on its hinges.
Whatever beastie you are, I know you're here. And I hurt beasties.
Buffy checks out Spike's butt, then moves further into the room. He jerks back, surprised, when Buffy gooses him.
Hey, watch it.
The TV switches off and Spike sighs, irritated.
A ghost, is it? Go and haunt the living like a good spook.
Suddenly he's grabbed from behind and slammed up against a wall. He tries to move forward but is shoved against the wall again. His shirt rips open and he frowns in confusion, then gasps with pleasure
Buffy?
I told you... stop trying to see me.
Anya and Xander go through the books with the red-painted invisible traffic cone on the table between them.
Oh, I got it!
Really?
Yeah, we'll put D'Hoffryn at your parents' table and move your Uncle Rory to table 5 near the bar.
An, honey, we're looking for invisibility spells here.
Well, obviously I haven't found anything yet. At least nothing that would explain why things near Buffy become invisible.
She tries to pick up the traffic cone but it crumbles in her hand.
Ew! Xander!
What happened?
An unpleasant tactile experience, like putting my hand in pudding.
Xander reaches out and does the same thing.
Ew!
Like pudding, am I right? Rice or tapioca... lumpy like that.
We have to find Buffy. She's gotta know.
I don't think Buffy's going to be too broken up over a pylon.
Anya, whatever's happening to the pylon will probably happen to her. If we don't find Buffy... I mean, if we don't figure out how this was done...
She's pudding?
Warren works on the invisibility ray.
What do you mean she's going to fade away?
The Slayer got slammed with a big-ass dose of radiation when the gun overloaded. Her cells are mutating at an accelerated rate. Eventually her molecular makeup will start losing its integrity and then... pfft.
But wouldn't that kill her?
Well, let me think. Yeah!
Wait a minute! We're not killing anybody. Especially not Buffy!
You guys are so immature! We're villains! When are you going to get that through your thick skulls?
We're not killers. We're crime lords!
Yeah! Like Lex Luthor. He's always trying to take over Metropolis but he doesn't kill Superman.
Because it's Superman's book, you moron!
But Lex doesn't kill him, does he?
Listen, Warren... you get that ray working and the first thing we're going to do is find Buffy and re-visible her before it's too late!
Warren stands up and towers over Jonathan, glaring at him. Jonathan doesn't back down.
You got me?
Fine. Whatever you guys say.
Warren picks up his tools and goes back to work. Andrew and Jonathan nod at each other, satisfied.
Xander pushes the door open and enters.
Spike?
The room is in disarray, furniture overturned, etc.
Xander descends the ladder to the sounds of panting and moaning. He finds Spike on the bed, half-covered with a sheet, having sex with nothing.
Spike? What are you doing?
Spike spins around, startled.
What am I... what does it look like I'm doing, you nit? I'm exercising, aren't I?
Spike turns back to the bed and does a couple of push-ups. Invisible Buffy gasps with pleasure as the push-ups push into her.
Exercising. Naked. In bed.
Spike stands up and wraps the sheet around his waist.
A man shouldn't use immortality as an excuse to let himself go. Gotta keep fit for the killing.
Uh-huh. Looks like you had a little trouble upstairs. Mini- disaster area.
So what? You just come here to criticize my housekeeping?
No, I'm looking for Buf--
Haven't seen her.
Well, you wouldn't. The fact is, she's come down with a slight case of invisibility.
Yeah? How did...
Soft murmuring and kissing sounds come from behind Spike. His ear lobe twitches and he jumps.
We don't know yet. Anyway, she's not at the house and I really, really need to find her.
Tell you what. I'll take a peek around first chance I get... and if we bump into each other, I'll clue her that you're on the lookout.
After your... exercises?
Yeah, right.
Xander hesitates, then turns to go.
You know, kidding aside, Spike... you really should get a girlfriend.
He leaves and Spike sighs and looks over his shoulder.
That was bloody stupid.
What's the matter? Ashamed to be seen with me?
Spike gets up and tosses the sheet onto Buffy. It outlines her legs and hips.
Come on. He had no idea I was here. This is perfect.
Perfect for you.
Well, picture me confused. I thought this was what you wanted.
What I want... this vanishing act's right liberating for you, in'it? Go anywhere you want. Do anything you want. (beat) Or anyone.
What are you talking ab--
The only reason you're here is that you're not here.
Right. Of course, as usual, there's something wrong with Buffy. She came back all wrong. You know, I didn't ask for this to happen to me.
Not too put off by it though, are you?
No! Maybe because for the first time since... I'm free.
She tosses the sheet aside and Spike looks around, trying to track her movement.
Free of rules and reports... free of this life.
Free of life? Got another name for that: dead.
Why do you always have to... (pouts) I thought we were having fun.
Invisible Buffy nuzzles Spike and he pushes her away from him.
Yeah, now! But sooner or later your chums are going to work out a way to bring you back to living color. You need to go. Get dressed if you can find your clothes and push off 'cause if I can't have all of you, I'd rather--
He suddenly gasps and looks down at his crotch.
Okay, that's cheating.
Willow sits at a computer terminal drinking from a water bottle. She puts the bottle down and begins typing.
A web site appears:
Department of Motor Vehicles
Warning, encrypted information!
Willow types in her search and watches the status bar crawl across the screen. It takes a while and Willow fidgets nervously. She reaches up to touch the screen, then pulls her hand back at the last moment as the search completes.
Database for Departmental Use Only
A list of names and addresses fills the screen.
Relieved, Willow picks up a notebook and pen and begins to copy the information from the screen.
An empty soda can shoots across the street on its own.
I don't believe this.
The can bounces down the road every time Buffy kicks it.
He threw me out? He threw me? Did I like fall into some backward dimension here? Is this Bizarro World? And after he's always going on and on about being the only one that understands me. "We're alike, you and me. Birds of a bloody feather." Uh! He's so...
Three people pass by talking. As they pass the soda can, two of them stumble apart as Buffy shoves between them.
Hey, I'm walking here! Insensitive! That's what he is.
Buffy heads up the walk.
The back door opens, closes.
Willow? Willow! Dawn? Hey, Dawn, come here. You want to see something neat?
No reply. Buffy sighs. The refrigerator opens and Buffy roots around inside, looking for food.
The back door opens again and Dawn enters, tip-toeing. She looks around, sees that the kitchen is empty, closes the door quietly and heads for the hall.
There you are!
Dawn jumps and looks around fearfully.
Buffy? Where are you?
I'm invisible. Check this out.
The pizza box floats out of the fridge and swoops around in the air.
Woo, woo! Unidentified flying pizza, comin' in for a landing.
Dawn stares in shock as the pizza box drops to the counter and flips open.
What are you talking--
Okay, not the most clever ad lib but come on! Points for spontaneity.
Stop it! Just... stop.
Sorry, Dawn. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to freak you out.
Well, what did you think would happen? You're freaking invisible, Buffy.
I know. Xander and Anya are working on it. Muldering out what happened.
Well, what about you? Shouldn't you be working on it?
Of course I--
Do you even care about who did this to you or if you're going to be stuck this way? You're making jokes and flying pizzas.
I don't think that's--
I can't talk to you like this. I can't see you! How can I talk to you if I can't see you?
Dawn brushes past Buffy and runs down the hall to the stairs.
Dawn! Dawn!
Buffy turns from Dawn to the kitchen counter where she notices the answering machine blinking. She pushes the button and the tape rewinds.
Buffy, it's Xander. Where are you? Listen... we got a new problem here.
Tell her!
I'm trying to. Anya and I think whatever made you invisible is slowly killing you.
Tell her about the pudding!
Anya! Buff, if we don't... if this isn't reversed, you're going to... well, dissolve or... fade into nothing.
The machine beeps and turns off.
Wow.
Willow walks down the dark residential street, then pauses before one of the houses and consults a piece of paper in her hand. The nerds' van sits in the driveway, partially covered by a tarp.
Willow inspects the van, then heads for the house.
Willow opens the door and peers down the stairs. Seeing no one, she heads down into the basement and inspects their things.
She spots the blueprints for the invisibility ray tacked to a bulletin board and studies them intently.
She smiles, then turns to the workbench where she finds the invisibility gun resting on a mount. She swivels a lamp around and reaches out to touch it.
Now!
Surprised, Willow turns to find a roll of duct-tape floating in the air a few feet away. Her arms are seized and she struggles against her unseen attackers.
Hey! Let go of me!
A piece of the tape rips free from the roll and moves toward Willow.
Congratulations. You're our first hostage.
The duct tape heads for Willow's mouth.
The front door opens.
Dawn, I'm going out to find Xander. If he calls me--
The phone rings and the door closes. Invisible Buffy picks up the receiver.
Xander?
Don't talk, just listen, Slayer. You don't have a lot of time.
Who is this? You sound familiar.
I'm nobody. No one you know. We've got your friend Willow and if you don't want anything nasty to happen to her, you better meet us. Alone.
Where?
The arcade is filled with kids playing the games; lots of light and noise.
A guy takes tickets at a turnstile. The turnstile suddenly flips on its own and he stares at it, confused.
The invisible nerds shove people aside as they head for Willow where she stands nervously next to a pinball machine.
Just stay still and you won't get hurt.
You okay, Will?
Buffy?
Where are the bad guys?
All around you, Slayer, so don't try anything.
He's bluffing, Buffy. There's just three of them... I think.
More than enough to cause some serious carnage, right guys? (beat) Guys? Guys!
He looks over at a video game whose joysticks are moving on their own.
Kick! Use the kick!
I tried that. He keeps blocking it with his drunken monkey fist!
Oh, scary video carnage.
Hey! Slayer's here.
Sorry, didn't see her.
Andrew and Jonathan abandon their game and rejoin the group.
Why don't we continue this in a less-crowded area... like over there.
Where?
Over... follow me.
Warren hefts the invisibility ray in one hand and drags Willow with the other.
Ow!
They move stop in the corner next to an air-hockey table. Willow starts as someone grabs her other arm.
I'm going to go out on a limb and guess you guys are the ones who did this to me?
It was an accident!
Who's that?
Nobody you know.
They're the ones from your mystery van.
Oh. You. So what annoying thing are you going to do to me now?
Save your life, make you visible.
Right. I'm supposed to believe that?
They told me everything, Buffy. Something's happening to you. You're--
Fading away. I know.
I can fix that.
The invisibility rifle rises and begins to power up.
Pick up that air hockey mallet on the table.
What for?
It'll give me a target to aim at. Okay, now hold still and all your troubles will soon be gone.
You're on the wrong setting!
What?
The gun! It's not set for reversing the particle ionization. It'll accelerate her molecular dissolution. I saw the plans!
Mind your own business.
What's she talking about?
That's what I'd like to know.
Buffy, he's trying to kill you!
The invisibility gun smacks Willow in the face and she falls to the floor.
Willow!
The air hockey mallet flies through the air and hits Warren in the face. He yelps and drops the gun.
Okay, play time's over.
You haven't won yet, Slayer.
No, that part comes after I beat the snot out of you.
You'll have to find me first! There's three of us against just one of you.
Hey, you lied to us!
Fight her yourself!
You think she cares about that? I go down, we all go down!
And I promise, you're all going down.
We may not have your powers, Slayer, but you'll find that we are not so easy to--
Another air-hockey mallet hits him in the face.
Ow! Get her!
An invisible fight rages. Kids in the arcade look over in confusion at the sound of punching and kicking.
Willow comes to, grimacing in pain.
Wait a minute, wait a minute! Who's biting my leg?
Sorry! Where is she?
Here.
A nearby pinball machine shatters as someone lands on it. The kids scream and begin to run for the exits.
Willow spots the invisibility ray under a second pinball machine. She crawls toward it.
She can't find us if we split up.
Willow gets the rifle and starts adjusting the settings.
You go that way.
Which way?
That way! Over--
A punch cuts him off and he flies into the children's plastic ball room.
Just keep talking, boys.
Ow! Watch the chest hair!
I know that voice. You're--
Willow aims the ray at the voices and fires. Buffy and Jonathan instantly appear, Buffy holding Jonathan up by the front of his shirt.
Jonathan?
She drops him to the floor.
You have chest hair?
Willow fires at the plastic ball room and Warren appears.
Warren?
Willow fires at the smashed pinball machine and Andrew appears.
Who are you?
Andrew.
Buffy shrugs and turns away.
I summoned the flying monkeys that attacked the high school?
Willow and Buffy exchange a confused look. Warren climbs out of the plastic balls while Jonathan helps Andrew down from the pinball machine.
During the school play, you know?
It's Tucker's brother.
Yeah, it's Tucker's brother.
Oh.
So you three have what? Banded together to be pains in my ass?
We're your arch-nemesises... ses. You may have beaten us this time, Slayer, but next time... um... next time...
Maybe not!
Jonathan throws a small pouch to the floor and it bursts into smoke. Buffy and Willow cough and wave the smoke away.
What do you mean, it's locked? You were supposed to check it!
I forgot!
The smoke clears to reveal the nerds standing sheepishly by the locked door.
I give you my arch nemesises...ses.
An irritated SECURITY GUARD comes up behind Buffy and Willow.
What's going on in here? I got a bunch of scared kids saying this place is haunted!
Buffy turns back as the rear door clicks shut behind the escaping nerds. She sighs and shrugs.
Oh, my god... Buffy!
I know, they're gone. I guess we should chase them.
No, your hair! It is adorable.
Buffy and Willow leave the arcade. Willow still has the invisibility gun.
Pretty neat, you finding the van. So ow did you manage to... do it exactly? I mean, to locate it?
The hard way. The spell free way. The "oh my god my head's gonna fall off my feet are killing me" way.
Willow sighs and sits down on the edge of the curb. Buffy sits beside her.
I don't know how I got through this day.
Well, the important thing is that you did. It's a good first step.
How are you doing, post-invisibleness?
Okay. I still have to do some damage control from my giddy-fest. Dawn was pretty freaked out. (beat) The whole taking-a- vacation-from-me thing didn't work out so well.
Tell me about it.
Except... when I got Xander's message that I was fading away... I actually got scared.
Well, yeah. Who wouldn't?
Me. I wouldn't. Not too long ago I probably would have welcomed it. But I realized-- I'm not saying that I'm doing back- flips about my life but I didn't... I don't... want to die. That's something, right?
It's something. So I guess we both made good first steps.
I guess.
Yay for us.
Yay.