[Transcript of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" episode Doublemeat Palace at buffyology.com.]
XANDER enters from the kitchen carrying a bowl of popcorn.
Now I get Warren being the supervillainy type but I thought Jonathan completely learned that lesson. I never even heard of this other guy.
Xander sits down on the sofa beside ANYA and puts the popcorn on the coffee table. WILLOW reaches for a handful.
You should have seen their headquarters. It was like the nerd natural habitat.
Well, if we know where they are, shouldn't we do something?
We tried. Buffy was going to go in there and bust them on the spot.
I'm sensing a 'not so completely'.
Yeah, well, she went in and then--
Speaking of Buffy, isn't she ready? She's going to be late for her first day.
Hey, respect the narrative flow much?
Please continue the story of failure.
So Buffy went in but they'd cleared out. And she brought back the stuff that they left... spell books, some parchments, a couple of rare things, charmed objects and a conjurer's harp...
Willow trails off wistfully. Xander and Anya look at her with concern.
And they had other stuff, you know, Razor scooters and pictures of the Vulcan woman on Enterprise.
Oh!
He nods in appreciation, then notices Anya's look.
I mean... nerds.
Okay. See this is why demons are better than people.
Interesting turn.
When I was a vengeance demon, I caused pain and mayhem, certainly. But I put in a full day's work doing it and I got compensated appropriately.
Welcome to today's episode of Go, Money, Go! I hear it daily.
Yep, for the rest of your life.
Xander shoots Willow a baleful look. Anya continues, unfazed.
But supervillains want reward without labor, to make things come easy. It's wrong. Without labor there can be no payment and vice versa. The country cannot progress. The workers are the tools that shape America.
Good to know.
Everyone turns to find BUFFY standing in the foyer. She's dressed in an outrageously loud fast-food uniform: red pants, red-and-white striped shirt and a red hat with a stuffed chicken on top.
I was kinda feelin' like a tool and now I know why.
Opening credit sequence.
A television documentary/employee training film. Open on a 1950s-style commercial. Sepia-toned picture of the exterior of a fast-food restaurant with cars driving past.
You've seen us in your city or small town across the American West...
Cut to the interior of the restaurant decorated with booths and hanging plants.
... you've ordered our delicious food...
A smiling man in a white shirt and black bowtie gives a thumbs-up.
... from our happy employees!
Pull back to reveal Buffy sitting in a small gray room watching the television. She wears a small blue lapel pin that reads Buffy Summers, trainee.
But now you're seeing it all from a different way. You're seeing it from behind the counter!
A smiling woman orders food from a smiling employee. The sepia-tone fades to natural color.
... because you've just become part of the Doublemeat experience!
A pimply teenage boy wearing the same red-and-white striped uniform holds out a tray covered with paper-wrapped burgers.
I'm part of it!
A young woman.
I'm part of it!
An elderly man.
I'm a part of it, too!
Cut to a shot of a cattle ranch. A picture of a cow appears superimposed on the screen.
This cow... (moo) and this chicken... (cluck) don't know it yet, but they're destined to become part of it as well! So what happens when a cow and a chicken come together?
The cow and the chicken swirl together and become a sandwich.
Why, that's a Doublemeat Medley! Let's take a look now at the process of harvesting these two special meats.
Cut from the screen to Buffy's face as she watches the video. Sounds of panicked mooing and terrified squawking, followed by wet hacking sounds. Buffy looks queasy.
Holy crap!
Later. The video is still playing. A man in uniform washes his hands.
... washing your hands thoroughly after each visit to the restroom.
Zoom in on the paper-towel dispenser bearing a sign:
NOTICE: Employees must wash hands with soap before returning to work.
Follow these rules and you'll be a happy part of the Doublemeat family for a long time!
The picture changes to the Doublemeat Palace logo: a creature that is a cross between a cow and a chicken.
Buffy stares at the screen, dismayed. Behind her, MANNY, the Manager, turns on the light. He wears thick glasses with ugly black frames.
Interesting, isn't it?
Oh, yes! Like how the cow and the chicken come together even though they've never met. It's like Sleepless in Seattle if Meg and Tom were like minced.
Buffy smiles at Manny. He is completely humorless.
I'm Manny, the Manager. It's not a joke. It's just my name.
Right. You mentioned that a couple of times when I filled out the application.
Why do you want to work here, Buffy? You seem like a sharp young woman and there are a lot of other jobs.
Well, I kinda need money pretty quickly-- like today-- and so I didn't want to go through a lengthy interview process and I figured this was probably the fastest... way... to...
Manny looks at her disapprovingly.
Because I... wanted to be part of the Doublemeat experience?
Manny smiles and nods.
Come on, let's take a tour.
Manny leads Buffy over to a table where PHILLIP and TIMOTHY sit staring at nothing.
Phillip, Timothy, this is Buffy. She's going to work the counter.
Hi.
What happened to the other one? Catherine?
Emily?
Yeah.
She's gone.
What happened?
Whatever always happens.
Manny opens a locker labeled Vacant. It's full of clothing.
You can use this one.
There's someone's stuff in there.
They must have left it. You can toss it or keep what you want.
Sure they're not coming back?
We have a lot of turnover here.
Manny starts to walk away, then pauses and points to Phillip and Timothy who continue staring into space.
Watch these two.
Are they going to do something?
They're solid. Follow their example and you won't go wrong. They're lifers.
Lifers?
In it for life. Like me. You want to get something out of this, Buffy? You'll do the same. You put the work in and ten years from now, you'll be where I am. I promise you.
He points at the round blue button pinned to his shirt. It says 10 Years.
This is probably the most depressing thing Buffy has ever heard.
Manny turns to the time clock mounted on the wall next to a rack of time cards. He removes a card and inserts it into the clock, then hands it to Buffy.
Congratulations. You're on the clock.
Buffy looks at her time card, less than thrilled.
Various employees move about preparing food.
This is the kitchen. The beating heart of the Doublemeat Palace.
Buffy looks over at a young woman staring blankly while slicing chunks of meat into a hopper.
Wow. They're all so... identical.
Yeah. They all start to look the same to me, too.
Oh, no. Not the employees, the chicken slices.
CU: the bottom of the Hobart as the chicken slices fall out, one by one.
Buffy stares at it, mesmerized. Suddenly, she snaps out of it as a customer's voice fades in from the background.
Yeah, Medley Meal # 2, double-size it.
Drive-through station's over there. High pressure job, you won't need to go in there. Over there's the grills, the fryers, the walk-in freezer...
Buffy goes to peek inside the freezer.
You don't need to go in there either!
Buffy looks at him curiously, then backs away and starts to inspect a large industrial size cabinet. She tries to open one of the drawers.
That's the dehydrated pickle storage. Those are locked! Now I want to show you this.
He turns and leads Buffy to a rack with a dozen or so wrapped sandwiches. He picks one up and begins to unwrap it.
Look. The Doublemeat Medley.
With a flourish, he presents her with what looks like a hamburger.
Oh, I know the Medley! It's just... the video was... kind of graphic... with the slaughter.
The classic double-decker with a twist. A pure beefy patty above the mid-bun... and a slice of processed chicken product below the mid-bun. Plus pickles and the secret ingredient. (hands it to Buffy) Eat it.
Oh, you know, I had a big breakfast. I'll just wait for... (off his look) ... but it smells so good.
She smiles and takes a bite.
Mmm. So what is your secret ingredient?
It's a meat process. Now I think it's time to start earning your money, don't you, Buffy?
Mm-hmm.
Buffy stands beside GARY who works the register.
So... what's the deal with Manny the Manager? If I ask him really nice can I write a children's book called that?
Gary hands her an empty paper cup.
Fill this while I get the fries.
Fill this? I didn't know there was going to be drug testing on this job.
You're funny. (stops smiling) You better stop that.
Buffy fills the cup at the soda dispenser.
Why?
Productivity. One of Manny's watch-words. "Levity is the time- thief that picks the pocket of the company."
I prefer the one that goes, "Manny's a humorless dolt who picks the pocket of he-should-bite-me."
You really need to be quiet with that.
Gary hands a tray with fries and soda to the customer.
Here you go.
Thanks.
The next customer steps forward, an elderly woman wearing a bushy gray wig.
I'd like a small coffee and cherry pie.
Gary pushes the picture-coded buttons on the register.
That's a $1.92, ma'am.
You hit so many buttons... it's like button-palooza.
No, it's easy, look.
The old lady digs money out of her purse as Gary shows Buffy how to take an order.
There are little pictures of the food on the buttons. I hit the coffee button, then I hit the small button. And then cherry pie. There's a picture of a little fried pie.
Uh-huh.
The old lady hands over her money.
Then I hit the total button... I put the money in the drawer, I close it, and it resets the system. A cocker spaniel could do it. Here, why don't you take the next one, the family? They're regulars.
Gary steps aside as Buffy moves behind the register.
Hi. I'm new.
I come here every day.
That's nice.
Oh, you really might make it, dear. Not like some of them, where suddenly you never see them again. I can see you here a long time.
That's great.
Gary returns with the food.
Thank you.
The family moves up in her place: father, mother and three kids.
Hi. Welcome to the Doublemeat Palace. May I help you?
Yeah. We need two Number Four Medley Meals, a Junior Medley, a Fisherman's Medley with bacon and a kid's meal. Plus three fries, a chocolatey shake and extra pickles on one of the Medleys.
Buffy looks down at the cash register and its bewildering array of buttons in alarm.
Excuse me. This button. Does it look chocolatey to you?
Later. Various people sit in the plastic booths eating. Buffy sits among them, alone, eating a Medley. She sighs.
Later. Buffy walks slowly through the kitchen to the freezer door. She looks around. No one else is near. She opens the freezer. Inside, a tall rack of shelves stacked with boxes of frozen meat. She closes the door to find Manny staring at her. She jumps, startled.
You don't need to be in there.
Sorry. I was just curious.
Curiosity killed the cat.
Theory number five: cat burgers.
Later. The employees mechanically do their jobs. Buffy works the counter. A group of customers take their food and head for their seats revealing Anya and DAWN.
Hey, Buffy!
We're here to support your subsistence-level employment. Bravo.
Xander and Willow walk up behind them as well.
Thank you. This is cool of you guys.
So, Buff, how's it going?
I don't know. I've waitressed before but... this is different.
When have you waitressed?
That summer in L.A. It was a diner and... we had, you know, lots of people who didn't tip and funny funny health code violations... but it wasn't like it is here. (sotto) I think there's something wrong here. Will, are you okay?
Willow is absently fiddling with the straw dispenser.
Sorry, I... yeah. Something's wrong?
There's this manager, right, and he's all scary and mysterious, you know? And then there's the secret ingredient. And the people that work here? They're kind of strange, you know? They just... just stare into space... plus they disappear.
Disappear poof?
No, not poof. Well, I don't think so.
It's fast food. I have swum these murky waters, my friend. There's the assorted creepiness, there's staring, there's the enthusiastic not showing up at all. I think you're seeing demons where there's just life.
I didn't say demons. It's just a vibe. I mean, you guys still haven't seen this manager.
Well, isn't that him over there, getting the pickles wet?
Yeah, with the saddle shoes...
... and the glasses?
I don't know. Maybe it's just the video that's freaking me out. With the cow and the chicken all swirly together.
Willow looks queasy but Xander's eyes light up eagerly.
Make me hungry, why don't you? How's about one of those delicious Medley Meals?
Okay, you got it. On me.
Hey, thanks! (to the others) See I think she'll be fine once she settles into the routine and by ordering, I'm helping.
And getting a free meal?
Well, yeah.
Well, if you like the food here, honey, maybe we should get it for the reception.
You're serving burgers? Cool!
Well, time is running very short. After Willow gave us the "whoosh" engagement party, I got slack on the planning 'cause I figured she'd help but, well, now that's all been blown to hell.
Hey, standing right here! Standing right exactly here.
Sorry. Didn't mean to tempt you. (whispers; to Dawn) Everyone's so delicate. Anyway, I still have to select the bridesmaids' dresses and, well, then there are the guests from out of town and the ones from the demon realm-- you wouldn't believe how many of them have yet to let us know either way.
Buffy returns with a tray and hands it to Xander.
There you go. And I double-sized it for ya.
Oh, thank you!
Xander unwraps the burger and takes a big bite.
And cut way back on the cat.
Cat?
Just kidding. Probably.
Later. Night. A few remaining customers are still dining. Gary cleans trash off the tables while Buffy leans on the cash register looking bored. Behind her, GINA, an elderly employee stands staring into space.
Slooow night.
She sighs and tugs on Gina's sleeve.
Gina?
Gina slowly turns to Buffy-- not just her head but her entire body-- as if she's a robot. Her face is blank, expressionless. Buffy waves a hand in front of her face.
Since it's slow, do you think they'll mind if I take another break?
We're not allowed. Downtime robs us all.
Thus quoth Manny. There's no one here.
Sure there is. (points) Look.
Buffy frowns and turns to find SPIKE standing by the counter, examining the menu board.
This'll make my day complete. (to Spike) What?
What's in the Doublemeat Nuggets?
I'm working. Go away.
Yeah, and you chose to be in the consumer service profession and I'm a consumer. (smirks) Service me.
Order something or go.
Give a bloke a chance for his eyes to adjust. Damn fluorescent lights. Makes me look dead.
Buffy stares at him, annoyed.
Some demons love 'em. The way they vibrate makes the skin twitch. That the kinda demon you are, luv?
I am not a demon. I don't know why you can hit me but I am not a demon.
Oh, I see. That why you took this job? Prove something to yourself? A normal job for a normal girl? Good way to drive yourself crazy, that is.
I'll be fine.
Buffy. You're not happy here.
Please don't make this harder.
You don't belong here. You're something... you're better than this.
I need the money.
I can get money. Walk with me now, come on.
I... I need to go help Gary with the fries.
She turns to go but Spike grabs her arm.
You gotta get out of here. This place'll do stuff to you.
Buffy pulls free and walks away.
This place'll kill you!
POV: the shadows behind the garbage dumpster. Gary exits through the back door and empties the trash. He hears a furtive noise and turns around.
Someone there?
He smiles in recognition.
Oh, hi. What are you doing? What? What--!
Gary's scream is abruptly choked off.
Buffy stands behind Timothy as he punches in.
Feels like I just left, you know?
Timothy turns slowly to look at her.
You came back.
I came back.
After Timothy is done, Buffy takes her card and punches it. She gasps when she turns to find Manny standing right behind her.
Gary's gone.
Gary. Oh, the guy that helped me out at the counter yesterday?
He didn't show up this morning.
Well, shift's just starting.
He was supposed to unlock early this morning. Didn't show. Pull his card.
Well, I'm sure he's just late. He didn't seem like he was leaving.
I'm moving Timothy to counter. You're on grill.
Me?
I've been watching you.
But I don't know how to grill.
Just think, this is the last day you'll ever be able to say that.
Buffy stands beside Phillip as he explains how the grill works.
You put the beef on the grill, you hit the button, then it beeps. You flip the beef, hit the other button, then it beeps. You put it on the bun. (beat) There's not a button for that.
Repeat until insane.
Phillip slaps a few meat patties on the grill.
It eliminates variation. Every burger at every Doublemeat Palace is the same. People don't like variation.
Got it. Variety is the spice of bad.
Phillip stares blankly at the frying meat.
So... what's the secret ingredient?
It's a meat process.
Well, what does that mean?
It's a process. They do it to the meat.
But what is it?
It's just the name of the process.
Buffy gives up.
Oh. Yeah.
The grill beeps. Phillip picks up a spatula and hands it to Buffy.
So I guess we're going to get... kinda greasy, huh?
Skin... hair... eyelashes... nostrils... inside your ears. You want to look inside my ears?
No. No, that's okay.
Once I noticed I couldn't hear and went to the doctor. He said it was grease that made a plug.
Oh.
They gave me a kit. Kit for cleaning my ears. It's got this little bulb mechanism.
Imagine that.
Buffy?
Yay! It's Manny!
She puts down her hat and hurries over to Manny.
You're working a double shift.
What? Another eight hours? Right after these eight hours? But that's... so many hours.
You get paid for it. Plus an extra free Doublemeat Medley.
What happened? Why the double shiftiness?
Gary didn't show. And now one of my grinder guys is late, too.
But they could still show up, right? I mean, they could be anywhere.
A huge bag of meat suddenly slams down onto the table next to Buffy. Buffy looks at it queasily, then up at Timothy.
Your meat's here.
Xander sits on the sofa, talking on the phone.
Yeah, okay, bye. (hangs up) An, that was Buffy. She's working late so I might have to go-- yah!
Xander recoils when he looks up to find HALFREK, a woman/demon, standing in the center of the living room, glaring at him. She wears a long cape over a purple
blouse and gray pants. Her face is mottled and covered with dark veins. Tendrils of mist surround her.
I have been called and vengeance shall I wreak! Cower, masculine one. Tremble as you face my wrath!
Anya walks in holding pen and paper.
Xander, I'm starting to think that maybe we should do a pot-luck thing.
Honey?
Anya looks up and gasps.
Hello. I am here to tear this man apart. How many pieces do you wish?
Halfrek!
Anyanka? Oh, my god!
Both women giggle and hug affectionately.
How are you?
You two... you know each other?
Funny, Halfrek. I didn't summon you to kill Xander. I called to invite you to our wedding.
Oh, my... what an embarrassing mistake!
Anya shows her the engagement ring.
Oh, my god! Gorgeous!
Xander cautiously stands up and heads for the door.
Wow, you two clearly have some catching up to do. So I'll... I'll not be in the apartment.
Gosh, it's swell to see you again, Hallie. I didn't mean to have you materialize all the way here. I mean, not till the ceremony.
I guess I got the message garbled. (laughs) You know how it is. Half the time I have no idea if I'm maiming the right guy.
Anya nods knowingly.
So... you're marrying that man with the large upper arms?
Yes.
Why?
Well, because I love him.
Hmm.
Oh, we're going to be very happy together.
Hmm.
What?
Buffy lowers a basket of frozen French fries into a vat of hot oil and watches as it bubbles and sizzles.
She watches in confusion as the oil in the next vat starts bubbling also even though there's nothing in it.
It's boiling with nothing in it. Sometimes it does that.
Timothy and Buffy stand side-by-side, mesmerized by the boiling oil.
They say bugs fall in there. (beat) Oh, I'm back. You can go on your break now.
Buffy snaps out of it an turns to go. She catches a glimpse of Spike passing by the windows, watching her.
She takes off her chicken cap and runs her hand through her hair, looking warily at Spike.
Buffy is pinned against the wall by Spike, having sex with him. She stares blankly over his shoulder as he thrusts rhythmically in and out of her. He tries to kiss her but she turns face away.
Willow lies on her bed, studying, marking the book with a yellow highlighter. A knock sounds at the door.
Come in.
AMY MADISON appears in the doorway.
It's me. Dawn said I could come up.
Surprised, Willow motions Amy into the room.
So is she pissed at you too or just me? What did you tell her about me?
Do you want something?
Yeah... actually. I mean, I don't know if you wanted to keep it or...
She points to her rat cage.
You want it? Really?
Well, yeah, you know... I mean, it's not much but it's home. Or it was. I don't know... I guess it's stupid but...
No, it's not stupid. You can have it, of course.
Amy pauses, then sits down on the bed beside Willow.
Hey. So I hear you got this whole cold-turkey thing going on. How's that going?
It's good. It's really good. I mean, it was hard at first... frustrating... doing everything the slow way. It was like, "Is everything going to take forever, forever?"
Yeah.
But it's better now. I'm... getting my focus back.
I can see that.
She points to Willow's textbook: the entire page is highlighted.
It's a pivotal page.
So this is it, huh? This is going to be your life from now on?
What? No.
Well, you're never going to do it again. Ever. You're never going to feel how it made you feel.
Amy kneels and looks into the cage, then picks it up.
I don't think that's the way to look at it.
Hey, Will? It's your birthday.
No, it isn't. But now that you mention it, Buffy's is coming--
Potestas. (Power.)
Blue plasma shoots from Amy into Willow. Willow's eyes go jet-black as the magick flows through her. The power crackles and sparks off her body.
What?
She stares at her hands, then turns and touches a vase on the bedside table. It peels away in sections like the petals of a flower. She touches the lamp and it disappears in a flash.
Amy...
It's a gift. It's magick... and it didn't come from you. It came from me. Completely legal. (beat) Enjoy.
She winks and leaves with her cage.
CU: Ground meat extrudes from the end of a meat grinder. The hopper flips and churns the meat.
Buffy stands motionless, watching it. Suddenly she crouches down and digs around in the meat with her hands, coming up with a severed human finger.
Manny hangs a framed Dedication teamwork poster as Buffy runs in holding the finger.
Look! Look what I found under the meat grinder!
Oh, my god.
Want to tell me what's going on?
I'm not sure.
Try again.
Well... there was an accident, maybe six weeks ago, a grinder incident.
Right, but see this isn't six weeks old. This is new.
It is? Oh... well, maybe Gary did come in this morning or... I don't know, late last night. Maybe there was an accident. Got himself to the hospital.
Right. Maybe he's in the hospital. Or maybe he's in the grinder! Huh? Huh? Meat process, secret ingredient? Maybe Gary's on the grill! Or maybe he's under the pickle chips!
She turns and walks out.
Buffy. Buffy!
Buffy runs through the kitchen and into the dining area.
Stop! Stop! Everyone, you have to stop! Stop eating!
She shoves a customer's off the table and grabs a burger from another customer's hand. Children start crying as Buffy grabs their food away from them.
No, you can't have this! It's not beef! It's people!
She continues through the restaurant pulling food away from the customers.
The Doublemeat Medley is people!
Manny and Timothy grab her and drag her back into the kitchen. She struggles against them and continues yelling at the top of her lungs.
The meat layer is definitely people! It's people! It's people! Probably not the chickeny part but who knows? Who knows!
The customers stare at her in shock. The wig lady pushes to the front, holding up a half-eaten piece of pie.
What about the cherry pie?
Resume. Manny and Timothy wrestle Buffy back into the kitchen. She shoves Timothy aside and glares at Manny.
What are you doing? I thought you were part of the team!
Buffy backhands Manny and he flies onto the counter and slides to the floor. Phillip rushes her and she stiff-arms him. Unprepared for her phenomenal strength, he skids across the room and slams into the wall.
Manny lies on the floor glaring up at Buffy.
You are fired.
Buffy shoots him a withering look and storms out.
Halfrek and Anya drink tea from delicate china cups.
Tell me more about Xander.
You keep asking about him. Do you think I'm making a mistake?
Do you?
Well, no! Xander, he... he's very kind and brave. He has the sweetest smile and the nicest body and... he loves me. I mean, sometimes it isn't easy but he does.
Who told you that it isn't easy to love you?
Well, you know, I'll do something, or say something and then he has to say stuff like, "It's incorrect for you to appreciate money so much," or "Observe: here is how a real human would behave."
Oh, so he corrects you?
Well, no, it's just... well, no, I mean, now I'm all confused. I mean, do you think there's something wrong with the way he treats me?
Do you?
Okay, you have to stop doing that. I love Xander.
Even though he thinks he knows better than you?
But he doesn't. He doesn't think that.
Okay. I'm sorry. I was just curious. You know, you don't have to say another thing about it if you're not comfortable.
But I am! I mean... it's not like I'm hiding any deficiencies or anything.
Hmm.
Xander holds a hand of playing cards. He stares at them intently.
I have absolutely no threes. Go fish.
Dawn smiles and takes a card from the stack in the center of the table.
Suddenly a Medley sandwich slaps down on the table next to them. They look up to find Buffy in her Doublemeat uniform, anxiously looking around.
I call an emergency meeting and this is it? Where's Willow? Where's Anya?
I couldn't find Willow. I knocked and knocked on her door.
And Anya's entertaining a vengeance demon named Hallie. Say Buff, did you ever see Anya as a demon? 'Cause if that's it... whoa.
There's something wrong at the Doublemeat Palace. Really wrong.
Have you been demon-fighting? Is that why you smell funny?
No! I'm talking about...
Buffy pauses, sniffs her shirt, then sniffs her hair also. She looks up at Dawn in disgust.
Uggh. That's great. That's just great. I try to do the simplest thing in the world-- get an ordinary job in a well-lit place-- and look, I'm right back where I started. Blood and death and funky smells. Look. Look what I found near the grinder.
She unwraps the severed finger and shows it to them.
Eww. Whose is it?
I don't know. It might be this guy named Gary, the only one in the whole place who didn't seem all brain-dead. He didn't show up this morning. Except now I think he was there the whole time. As the secret ingredient. We need to analyze that burger. We need to find out if it used to be people.
Xander turns from the table in alarm, his mouth full of burger.
What!
Buffy stares at the empty burger wrapper on the table beside him.
People?
Xander, you ate the burger!
Well, first you say it's cat, then you come in and hand me a burger, blah blah blah, five minutes later, "Oh and by the way, it happens to be hot delicious human flesh!"
I needed that burger to analyze it. Now I'm going to have to get another one.
That's your problem with this scenario? You getting seconds?
The door jingles and Willow runs in.
Late! Late, sorry, I... I was reading for school. Well, highlighting anyway. (beat) Anyway, late.
Yeah, you just missed the Gary burger.
What are we doing? Let's jump right in. Did Xander say something about food?
She puts her purse on the table. She touches a pencil and it goes limp. She quickly shoves it into her purse before anyone notices.
You wouldn't want any. Apparently the Doublemeat Medley is people.
Whoa. Bad.
I bet it's not even just this one time. Or even this one town. There are Doublemeat Palaces all over California.
I've eaten there a lot.
Well, everyone has! They've got the perfect deal. Everyone expects high turnover of the employees, they get the meat for nothing and... they have us disposing of the bodies! How sick is that? We need to bring down the whole corporation. Will, Xander ate the burger, is there any way for sure to figure out what it was?
Well, yeah. I can start analyzing it with science not... I can use science. (to Xander) You ate it?
We have the wrapper. There's little scribbles of meat on the wrapper.
Buffy puts her coat on.
Okay, good. You guys get working on that. It's after closing so I'm going to go there and see what I can find out.
She heads out and Willow shakily sits down at the table.
Cool, you go. We'll be good.
Are you okay?
I'm just worried about Buffy. She could be walking into anything.
Buffy cautiously makes her way through the dark restaurant.
She opens the door to the freezer and walks in, looking around. The door begins to swing shut behind her. She stops it just before it latches. Finding nothing, she leaves the freezer and moves over to the meat grinder.
Buffy touches one of the blades, then looks at her fingers and sniffs them. She crouches down to examine the opening where the ground meat comes out.
A metallic clink sounds from behind her. She turns, frowns.
Manny?
Senses on alert, she starts to make her way through the dark kitchen. As she moves around the food preparation counter, she trips and falls to the floor.
Oh, Manny...
She stands up holding a shoe with a severed foot still inside. It's one of Manny's patent leather shoes.
Guess you really were a lifer.
Dawn and Xander sit at the counter. Willow is at the reading table with a microscope and several test tubes arrayed in front of her.
Don't need magick. Don't need it. Don't need it.
She pours a green liquid into the test tubes.
My friend Janice? Her sister's a lawyer.
You think I should sue over the burger? That's interesting.
No, I just mean... (sighs) Buffy's never going to be a lawyer or a doctor. Anything big.
She's a Slayer. She saves the whole world. That's way bigger.
But that means she's going to have like crap jobs her entire life, right? Minimum wage stuff. I mean, I could still grow up to be anything. But for her... this is it.
Okay, but maybe you'll be a lawyer or a doctor and you can use all your money to support your deadbeat sister.
Oh, that's terrifically better. Thanks.
Hey, guys, I think I've got it.
Xander and Dawn look over Willow's shoulder.
Good job, Will. Those aren't like potions, are they?
No, no potions. It's not magick, it's chemistry. You can tell by how damn slow it is. I made a solution that reacts to the proteins in human blood so we're pretty close to knowing for certain.
The door swings open and Anya bustles in.
I'm here! I'm here.
We're doing chemistry.
Oh. So sorry I hurried.
Hey, did your friend have a good time? And then leave?
She's gone.
So An, the way she looked, with the face... (nervous laugh) That wasn't what you used to look like, was it?
Is there something wrong with that? I mean, did you think she was unattractive?
Okay, is there any answer to that question that won't make you nuts?
Halfrek was always considered to be a great beauty.
Well, hon, she was a little... there was some veinyness.
Willow hands Xander a test tube.
Hold this. Okay. If the solution reacts to the proteins, then I'll be able to see it. I mean, I'll be able to look through the microscope and then see it.
It's not like you're so perfect either, what with your... strangely large upper arms and your tendency to criticize.
Huh?
What do you see?
There's no reaction.
Oh, god, no! No reaction!
Which means it's not human.
It's not human! (realizes) It's not human?
Well, is it demony? I mean, maybe someone's... you know, killing demons and using them as a cheap source of meat. I mean, we've all heard of that.
By the look on Dawn's face, it's apparent that she hasn't heard of it until now.
And by the way, I'm opposed to using demon meat, no matter how much money it saves. (to Xander) Does that surprise you?
Again, I say huh?
No, I'm not sure what I'm seeing. Cellulose?
She leans back from the microscope, confused.
There's something weird here.
Still holding the severed foot, Buffy walks slowly through the kitchen. She spots something unusual on the counter near the sink.
Scalp?
She sets Manny's foot down and picks up the fur-like object: it's a woman's wig.
Wig! Wig lady?
Oh, dear.
Buffy spins to find the old lady standing behind her. Without her wig, she's completely bald.
Wig lady? Is that what they call me? I don't care for that. I mean, I have to do something to hide this.
She straightens up as her eyes sink into her head and disappear, the skin of her face droops and sags and the top of her head splits open. A large snake-like creature pushes it's way out of her skull. It extends toward Buffy, at least ten feet long, but still connected to the old lady's head. It hovers hypnotically before Buffy for a moment, then squeals and squirts a fine mist at her.
She tries to get away but can barely move. Her arms and legs are sluggish, non- responsive.
It's paralyzing. Don't try to move, dear. You really can't, much.
Buffy desperately tries to back away as the creature closes in on her.
Resume. Summoning all her strength, Buffy manages to momentarily break her paralysis and dive to the side as the snake-thing strikes at her.
The paralysis spreads upward, by the way. You may want to flail your arms a bit while you still can.
Buffy struggles to move again, gripping the counter for support.
Did I tell you? You're my favorite. Doublemeat workers. You're all so full of Doublemeat burgers and you just slide down so smooth.
Buffy reaches the end of the counter and falls to the floor. She weakly tries to push herself back up.
Oh, I just love the paralysis. It means I can eat you slowly.
The snake is inches from Buffy's face. Buffy grabs a meat hammer and slams it into the side of its head, sending it squealing and twitching in pain. She crawls away using her arms and dragging her paralyzed legs behind her.
Willow tries to open the front door but it's locked. She puts her face up against the glass and peers inside.
The old woman stalks Buffy through the kitchen as she struggles to escape.
She pulls herself behind a metal counter and sits up against it, using her hands to pull her paralyzed legs out of the aisle.
I know you're under there.
The creature chitters in anticipation and Buffy cringes.
Buffy? Are you in there?
Willow's voice spurs her into action.
Willow stands at the drive-through ordering menu, talking into the microphone.
I can't see you inside.
Buffy crouches behind a metal table. The wig lady moves past the other side.
Buffy, if you're in there, the burger isn't people.
The snake's head shoots between the sections of the counter and howls at Buffy. She gasps and ducks under the bottom shelf.
They aren't even meat. It's all processed vegetables. Isn't that weird?
Buffy pulls herself along underneath the tables and counters.
Buffy, there's more. Something happened today... it wasn't my fault. It was Amy's fault but I feel so bad about it.
Buffy pokes her head out from under the table and looks around cautiously.
It was Amy's power but it felt like I was doing everything myself. And I couldn't stop. And now it's gone and I feel kinda shaky and... like I need it. Buffy?
Buffy doesn't see anything and begins to crawl out. Suddenly the old woman is there, the creature's head in right in Buffy's face again. She slides back underneath the counter but the old woman bends over, seizes her by the shoulders and hauls her out and up onto her feet.
The snake's mouth latches onto her shoulder and its teeth pierce her flesh. She gasps in pain and flails around desperately, trying to find anything she can use as a weapon.
Willow hears pots and pans crash to the floor inside the restaurant.
Buffy, something fell.
The old woman shoves Buffy across the room and up against the meat grinder. Her hand hits the ON button and the machine's blades whirl to life.
Buffy is now completely paralyzed, helpless. Willow runs into the kitchen just as the creature bites down harder onto Buffy's shoulder.
Buffy!
Both the woman and her snake appendage turn to Willow.
Visitors! How nice.
It spits the paralyzing liquid at Willow and she shrieks and jumps aside. The old woman turns back to Buffy and resumes feeding off her. Willow runs up behind her with a fire axe in hand.
Missed me.
She brings the axe down, severing the snake from the old woman's head. It squeals in pain and releases Buffy, leaving a bloody wound on her shoulder. She falls to the floor, dazed.
The old woman groans and sways back and forth, the severed stump on her head oozing yellow liquid. Both the woman and the severed creature drop to the floor beside Buffy.
Buffy!
Buffy weakly raises a plastic butter knife and stabs the snake with it. It writhes and screams helplessly.
Willow grabs the snake, wrestles it up onto the counter and throws it into the meat grinder. It lets out one final howl of pain and rage as the grinder tears it to shreds.
Willow bends over and helps Buffy up.
Buffy, are you all right?
Para... lyzed but... I think it's wearing off.
I did it! I killed it, Buffy, look!
Inside of the grinder, the blades spin, chopping the creature into tiny green pieces mixed liberally with yellowish blood. Minced green snake-meat oozing out the other side of the machine.
Eww.
Amy walks up onto the porch and rings the doorbell. Willow answers.
Hey.
Amy.
Can I come in? My new place isn't set up and I wanted to borrow some stuff like detergent.
You really can't.
I can't borrow detergent? Well, when they start calling me Stinky Amy, I'm just going to say, "Hey, not my fault."
I can't spend time with you anymore.
What?
You can't come in here again.
What's up? You didn't like your birthday present?
That's right.
You're telling me that you didn't have a genuine blast? Come on, that was a sweet spell. That was like a trip to Disneyland without the lines.
You don't get it. What you did to me was wrong. Do you have any idea how much harder that makes... just everything?
You know what I notice? You're not denying that you had fun.
Shut up.
Oh, yeah. Sharp argument you got there. Were you on the debate team? I forget. I forgot a lot while you were failing to make me be not a rat.
Amy, if you really are my friend... you'd better stay away from me. And if you really aren't... (beat) you'd better stay away from me.
Amy stares at Willow for a moment, then turns and leaves. Willow closes the door.
Buffy enters in civilian clothes, her Doublemeat uniform folded in her arms.
LORRAINE ROSS, the new manager, is taking down Manny's Dedication poster. Buffy knocks on the door.
Yeah?
Hi. You must be the new manager. I'm Buffy Summers.
I'm Lorraine Ross. They called me in when Manny did his disappearing act. You hear about that? Guy just disappeared.
Yeah. I think... I think that used to happen a lot around here.
Buffy Summers. I heard about you. Caused a big scene.
Oh, yeah. Practical jokes not really right for the workplace. I so get that now. Anyway, I just wanted to return my uniform.
Oh. Most people don't even bother.
Buffy starts to leave, then pauses and turns back.
The Doublemeat Medley... is vegetables?
How do you know that?
So I guess it's true.
Close the door? Have a seat.
Lorraine sits at her desk and Buffy sits in the chair opposite.
It's a formed and texturized vegetable-based meat-like product, suitable for grinding. It's blended with large amounts of rendered beef fat for flavor.
Wait. The secret ingredient in the beef is... beef?
Buffy, you know something powerful here, do you understand that? The Doublemeat reputation is built on a foundation of... well, meat. You can't spread this around.
I get that. (beat) It's a valuable secret, isn't it?
Is there something you want?
I really need money.
You want money?
No! Well, I mean, yes, but no. I... want to work. See I have zero money coming in and there are expenses and by the time I interview for a new job and get hired and go through a training process it... well, I'd really like to not be fired anymore.
Well, I don't want any more practical jokes. I mean it.
I promise.
Well, I'm a little short-handed right now and you're already trained... (smiles) I think you can not be fired.
Thank you. That's great. And I can do the job, I promise that, too.
I certainly hope so. I don't like short-timers, Buffy. I like people who want to be here. Maybe you didn't take this job seriously before but from now on?
She points at the 5 years pin on her uniform.
See this? I want you to be shooting for this from here on out.
Right. Here on out.