[Transcript of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" episode As You Were at buffyology.com.]
BUFFY scrapes grease off the grill while her co-worker TODD leans against the wall watching her.
You see, Buffy, the thing you gotta learn about the Palace-- and this takes a while-- is that job security all boils down to one simple thing.
Buffy looks up at Todd expectantly.
Politics.
Buffy stares at him for a moment, then resumes scraping.
Now, I'm not a political animal but you learn fast around here or it's-- wham!-- hello, glass ceiling.
Buffy's face wrinkles in disgust as she holds up a spatula full of grease. Todd tips a bucket for her to dump the blob into. She resumes scraping.
I mean, it's not like we work at Burger World or the Happy Bun where the power structure is simple. No, here at the Palace, you gotta keep your friends close but your enemies? Closer. (Buffy rolls her eyes) It's like Machiavelli says. You know Machiavelli, right?
Tall guy, bleached mullet, works day shift?
I'm sorry. My bad. I keep forgetting you dropped out of college.
I'm reapplying.
Good luck with that. Well, gotta motor! (picks up a backpack) Don't want to be late for night school.
You go to night school?
I'm working on my MBA. Think I want to spend the rest of my life cleaning grease traps? Oh, don't forget to lock up before you go... and the gum under the tables? Be sure to give it a good scrape before you leave.
May I?
See you tomorrow!
Yes, you will. And the day after that and the day after that and the day after that...
Buffy moves through the headstones holding a Doublemeat bag.
Get the double treat that's the double sweet. Oh, it's hard to beat when the meat meets...
Oh, why can't I get this stupid jingle out of my head?
A VAMPIRE leaps out in front of her with a snarl.
Least of your problems now, little girl.
Wait.
She sets the bag down carefully on a nearby headstone.
Okay...
Okay, let's do this. Quickly.
The vampire looks at her curiously, then swings at her. She ducks, then punches him. He staggers to the side and kicks her. He seizes her by the arm and pulls her toward him, lunging for her neck. Suddenly the vampire recoils, disgusted.
What's that smell? Jeez, Slayer, is that you?
I've been working!
Where? In a slaughterhouse?
Doublemeat Palace.
Oh.
He lets go and backs away.
You know what? Let's just call it a night. If it's all the same to you-- and you've been eating that stuff-- I'm not so sure I want to bite you.
You're dead! You smell like it! How do you get to say I'm the one who's stinky?
Really, it's cool. I'll just catch you next time.
Buffy whips her stake into his heart and he disappears in a cloud of dust. She gloats triumphantly for a moment, then hesitantly sniffs herself. Her nose wrinkles in distaste and she grabs her bag and walks off.
Opening credit sequence.
Buffy heads up the front walk, still holding her bag. She pauses before the porch stairs.
Oh, for Pete's sake. Spike?
She turns and SPIKE appears from behind a nearby tree.
It's a fair cop. You caught me, Slayer. However, in all honesty, I think we have to say this one doesn't count. After all, I wasn't exactly hiding.
No, Spike.
No? What kind of answer is that? You haven't even heard the question yet.
I don't have to. We both know what you're thinking.
And we both know... that I'm not the only one thinking it.
He reaches out to touch her and she slaps his hand away.
No! Not here.
Why not?
Dawn. She's inside waiting for dinner. She's counting on me. I'm not letting her down by letting you in.
So it's the fear of getting caught then, is it?
Reason number one on a very long list.
Needn't be an obstacle.
He takes her hand and pulls her toward the tree.
Spike, I mean it. Come on.
I hear you're serious. So am I. I want you... you want me...
Spike backs her up against the tree.
I can't go inside so... maybe the time is right... for you to come outside.
Buffy sighs as he slowly leans in to kiss her. Buffy drops the bag on the ground as Spike pulls her into the shadows.
Buffy enters the kitchen, food bag in one hand, the other on her forehead. She stops when she sees DAWN.
Dawn. Hey, hi.
Dawn looks up and closes the refrigerator.
Rough night?
The usual. I brought you dinner.
Buffy hands her the bag.
Oh, great. Oh.
She takes out a paper-wrapped Doublemeat Medley sandwich and smiles bravely.
I know it's not the most original these days but... I made it myself. I made hundreds, actually, but this is the very best one.
It... looks kinda squished.
Oh, well, just... give it a sec.
She takes the sandwich and slaps it lightly a few times.
Yeah, these babies really bounce back. Literally.
She hands the sandwich back to Dawn who looks at it dubiously.
Buffy... it's not like I don't appreciate it. I do. It's just that... I can't eat this stuff another night. I'm sorry.
Oh! No, it's all good. I get it. Tell you what-- tomorrow night, I'll bring home the Fisherman's Nuggets with cheese.
Dawn looks less than thrilled. WILLOW enters with a smile.
Hey, workin' lady. Rough night?
Why does everybody keep asking me that?
No reason. I just... thought you were busy with the slayage 'cause of that grass stain.
She points to Buffy's jacket.
Some vamp get rough with you?
Buffy looks at the stain on her coat and mutters to herself.
He's not getting any gentler.
He?
They. Them. You know, vampires in the... general population sense. (re: jacket) Now I'm going to have to wash this.
Ready for a bold suggestion? Blow it off! Dawnie and I are headed out to the Bronze.
Do I have your permission and want to come along? You like how I slipped in that permission request like that?
Very smooth.
You guys go.
Really?
Buffy, are you sure? It might do you good to get away from the Doublemeat lifestyle for a night. See your friends.
Who'd love to see you.
I'm sure. I've seen enough action for one night. (to Dawn) Home by eleven?
On the dot.
Have a good time.
Dawn smiles and she and Willow leave. Buffy picks up the Doublemeat Medley and stares at it.
Somebody should.
She sighs and dumps the sandwich back in the bag.
Pan across the crowd. People drink and dance with abandon. XANDER and ANYA sit at the bar eating a copious amount of chips. They're still working on the wedding reception seating plan.
See, this seating chart makes no sense. We have to do it again. We can't do it again. You do it.
The seating chart's fine. Let's get back to the table arrangements. I'm starting to have dreams of gardenia bouquets. (winces) I am so glad my manly co-workers didn't just hear me say that.
Will you stop wolfing down those chips? One more bag and you'll pop right out of your cummerbund.
She grabs the bag of chips away from him and shoves a handful into her own mouth.
You're not even hungry. You're just nervous.
Yeah! Wedding-- one week! We have friends, family, demons flying in, a to-do list getting no shorter and do not take my chips.
He swipes the bag back and they stare at each other angrily. Dawn comes over with a big smile.
Hey guys! How's the soon-to-be-newlyweds? Nervous?
No!
Okay. I'll just be over here then.
Dawn heads over to the pool table where Willow is testing pool cues. Dawn hands her a cup full of colorful liquid.
Your Arnold Palmer, milady.
Thanks. So how are Mr. and Mrs. High-Strung?
I'm betting they explode.
You know, when I was little, I used to spend hours imagining what my wedding to Xander would be like. And now I look at them and I just think... (mocking laugh) "Nee-hee-hee!"
You're awfully chipper tonight.
Can't hide it.
Hmm. Big wedding coming up... lots of date possibilities... you and Tara are speaking again. You want to call her? Invite her over?
Oh, no. Too soon for so bold a maneuver. (smiles) But if I did call? She wouldn't hang up on me.
That's progress!
Hence the happy.
An old boom-box plays a sad country song. Buffy irons her coat and works the stain out with a rag. She pauses, stares at the grass stain and resumes rubbing.
Buffy sleeps on the sofa beneath her coat. The sound of a noisy truck engine wakes her.
Garbage! Agghh...
She leaps up and pulls the jacket on.
The garbage truck pulls away and Buffy chases it with a garbage bag in each hand.
Wait! Wait up, guys!
The truck rounds the corner leaving Buffy behind.
Wait! Don't you want your garbage?
She sighs, pouts and walks back to the house.
Buffy enters through the back door, holding a pile of mail. As she sorts it, Dawn peeks around the refrigerator door.
Hey, Buffy. Oh, don't forget, today's trash day.
Thanks.
Buffy opens one of the letters as Dawn stuffs her books into her backpack.
Dear Ms. Summers,
We are sorry to reject your application for re-admittance to UCSD. Our guidelines dictate that re-admission forms must be processed on or before January 15, 2002.
If you have any questions, please feel free to call my office during regular business hours, Monday through Friday.
Surrinda Blackmaster Assistant to the Dean
'Dear Ms. Summers, we are sorry to reject...'
What's that?
Buffy quickly folds the letter.
Nothing.
Huh. Bronze was fun last night. In a total home-by-elevenish way. You should have come.
Well, next time. Where are you going?
School?
Oh. That's good. Don't you want breakfast first?
Already made it. See you this afternoon? Unless you're working. Tonight, then. Or, you know, tomorrow's cool. Don't work too hard.
She kisses Buffy on the cheek on her way out.
Bye.
Dawn bolts out the door and Buffy looks tiredly over at the kitchen sink, piled high with dirty dishes.
Buffy flips burgers at the grill while Todd stands behind her eating one.
And that's where even your best political minds can drop the ball. Zeitgeist! You're not taking the pulse of the public, the next thing you know you're LBJ handing the house keys over to Nixon. Heard back from your college yet?
Yeah.
All right. You know, we're out of special sauce.
I'll get it.
No, no. Your turn up front. I'll deal back here. You take the customers.
Buffy smiles weakly and shuffles up to the counter. She greets the next customer in line with robotic cheeriness.
Welcome to the Doublemeat Palace. How may I help...
She freezes in mid-sentence when she looks up and finds RILEY FINN standing before her, dressed head-to-toe in black combat gear, complete with flak vest.
...you.
Buffy looks closer at Riley and notices he now has a long scar running from his forehead across one eye and down his cheek. His expression is grim.
Hey.
Huh?
Resume. Buffy stares at Riley, dumbfounded.
Riley...
Sorry to just drop in on you like this, Buffy.
It's you.
It's me.
You're here.
I know.
And... were you always this tall?
Look, this isn't the way I wanted it but something's come up, something big. We don't have much time. You understand?
Not a word you've said so far.
Right. I should have known, anticipated. You're working.
Well, just counter. Not grill any more.
I want to explain, I just don't have time. I've been up for 48 hours straight tracking something bad and now it's come to Sunnydale.
My hat has a cow.
I know that I'm putting you on the spot, showing up like this but, you know, here we are. I need the best. I need you, Buffy. Can you help me?
Todd appears behind Buffy.
Hello... Buffy? People are waiting.
Buffy and Riley stare at each other, oblivious to Todd. She comes to a decision and takes off her hat and pulls her coat out from under the counter. She moves out from behind the counter to join Riley.
Buffy... Buffy! Wait! Buffy!
Buffy and Riley leave without another word.
Buffy and Riley walk; Buffy is still emotionally reeling from his presence.
Look, I'm sorry this is all so sudden. You know, if we get a minute, I'd really like to sit down...
He stops as a device on his belt begins to beep.
What is it?
Suvolte demon. Rare, lethal... nearly extinct but not nearly enough. It's close.
Buffy smiles and starts to laugh.
What?
Sorry. It's just... you still carry around all that James Bond stuff.
The device is modeled after a flip-open cell phone. In place of the digital display, there's a red radar screen. Two large blinking red dots track the movement of the demon.
It's so cute! I forgot. (off his look) Sorry. Carry on.
We've been tear-assing through every jungle from Paraguay on up, taking out nests. As soon as we put one Suvolte down, a dozen take its place. They're breeders, Buffy. One turns into ten, ten becomes a hundred. This gets out of hand and there's a war with humans? Humans are going to lose.
So they're like really mean tribbles. (off his look) Sorry, I've been dealing with these... geeks. It's a whole thing.
They both look up at the sound of a demon growl. The creature is across the street, kicking over newspaper vending machines and frightening pedestrians. It's a cross between a crocodile and one of Giger's Aliens.
You ready for this?
Yes, please.
Riley holds up a badge and addresses the frightened pedestrians.
National Forestry Service! We've got a wild bear! Everybody stand back! Look out!
People run in terror as Riley approaches the demon. It slashes his arm with a razor-sharp claw and he reels backward, clutching his arm. Buffy jumps up on the demon's back but it instantly hurls her off and into the wall, then retreats into the alley.
Riley's gun falls to the ground beside Buffy. She gets to her knees and picks it up as Riley lifts her to her feet. Buffy heads into the alley with Riley right behind.
They reach the juncture of two alleyways and Riley points to one.
Split.
Buffy nods and they head in different directions. Before they get far, a garbage slams into Riley but he easily deflects it.
Riley!
Buffy tosses him the gun and he takes aim and shoots. A dart whips out and embeds itself into the demon's chest. It drives the demon into an even greater frenzy. Buffy charges it and it slams her backward against Riley. The creature leaps up to the roof of the building and disappears.
You all right?
I'll feel better when we catch it. But it's too fast.
I wouldn't necessarily say that.
A black armored Humvee screeches around the corner. Riley drives; Buffy sits in the passenger seat.
Nice wheels.
Came with the car.
Know where we're going?
Got an idea. The tag's on-line. We'll find it.
A GPS screen mounted on the car's dashboard shows the demon's location.
How's your arm?
It'll heal. How are you doing?
Complicated question.
I just meant--
I know.
I hear ya. Got some... big stories to tell you to. If we ever get half a second.
Did you die?
No.
I'm going to win.
She shrugs out of her coat. Riley takes one look at her bright orange Doublemeat uniform and hands her a set of black combat fatigues.
Here. No offense but this is black ops and you look like a pylon.
Ninja wear?
Battle gear. Lightweight Kevlar, state of the art.
What a surprise.
Boys like toys. Put it on, thank me later.
You won't look?
Riley stares straight ahead.
I'm a gentleman.
Okay. So... the black-ops life-- it's working out for you?
Don't suck.
They got dental?
Yeah, we're covered. (beat) You know, there's not many people I'd ask to risk their life for me, Buffy. It's really good to see you.
Thanks.
You're welcome. And Buffy... love the hair.
She looks down and smiles, quietly happy he noticed.
Traffic is at a dead-stop. Horns honk. Cars as far as the eye can see.
Anya munches chips while Xander tries to navigate the traffic jam.
I think we died in this car on the way to the airport and now we're stuck in hell.
The radio said no traffic.
It's a hell radio. Of course it said that. We'll never get to the airport in time to pick up your stupid uncle.
It just gives my Uncle Rory more time at the bar. Trust me, he'll be happy.
Great. So he can sleep off his drunken stupor on our newly re- upholstered couch.
He can't afford a hotel.
Why are you defending him?
I'm not. I hate my uncle. I hate my whole family. That's why I'm marrying you-- to start a new family, have children, make them hate us. Then one day they'll get married, we'll sleep on their couch. It's the circle of life.
Well, the Gnarals are teleporting in in 20 minutes. If I'm not there to greet them, somebody's getting incinerated.
Why did we ever agree to have your friends-- who are demons-- and my family-- who are monsters-- stay at our place?
Well, I can only do so much, Xander. Planning this marriage is like staging the Invasion of Normandy.
Without the laughs. We should have eloped.
No! I've been through too much planning this wedding and it is going to happen. It is going to be our perfect perfect day if I have to kill every one of our guests and half this town to do it.
Xander nods and reaches for the chips.
Cool Ranch?
Cajun Fiesta.
The Humvee screeches to a halt. Riley and Buffy get out and make their way down the remainder of the dirt road on foot. Buffy is now dressed in the same black combat gear as Riley. Her hair is pulled back into a neat ponytail.
End of the line? I don't see our demon.
It's not here.
Let me guess...
She walks between several low stone buildings, over to a chain-link fence and looks down. Pull back to reveal Buffy and Riley standing at the rim of an immense canyon dominated at one end by a massive concrete dam. Water courses through the canyon hundreds of feet below. Rough uncut stone walls surround the concrete pad at the bottom.
...down we go?
Looks that way.
That's a big first step. So Mr. Finn, got an extra jet-pack for a girl like me?
Sorry, fresh out of jet-packs. Looks like we'll have to share.
Riley attaches one end of a belay line to the fence.
This test line's built for one so if we go together, we're not hauling any gear. Just be you and me.
I was never big on the hardware anyway.
You'll hold onto me?
Buffy bats her lashes.
If that's what it takes.
Come on.
Riley lifts her up onto the fence and she looks into his eyes.
Ready when you are, Agent Finn.
She puts her arms around his shoulders and they start down the side of the sheer rock face.
They reach the bottom and land on the concrete pad. Riley detaches the line from his belt and they start looking around. As Riley passes a maintenance door, the demon bursts out and tackles him from behind. He throws it off and ducks a swipe of its claws.
Buffy attacks but the creature easily throws her aside as it grapples with Riley. It slams Riley backward, then pummels him in the gut.
Riley!
Buffy grabs him and uses him as leverage to lift both feet off the ground and deliver a double kick to the demon's head.
Riley flips Buffy around and pushes her up against the wall. They both breathe heavily, their faces inches apart. As they stare into each other's eyes, another black-clad commando rappels down from above and lands behind them. Buffy looks up in surprise at this unexpected arrival: a tall, statuesque brunette woman; lithe, athletic and graceful. SAM FINN smiles at Buffy as she gathers up her rope.
Hey. (to Riley) Hey, there. (to Buffy) What exactly are you doing with my husband?
Shock replaces confusion on Buffy's face and she turns back to Riley, a multitude of questions in her eyes.
Resume. Buffy locks eyes with Riley.
Husband?
Riley nods awkwardly.
Wife?
Sam nods.
And... those aren't code names like Big Dog or Falcon or... I didn't think so.
Buffy, meet Sam. Sam, Buffy.
Pleasure.
Demon.
They spin around to find the demon rising up behind Sam, snarling viciously.
Mine.
Sam seizes the creature by the arms and pounds it repeatedly. Buffy and Riley watch appreciatively.
She's good.
She's a special one.
How long have you been married?
Four months almost.
Mazel tov. Any children?
Buffy, I meant to tell you when the time was right. She caught up to us a hell of a lot faster than I would've guessed possible. She does that.
So you guys do this often? You know, the whole husband-and- wife tag-team demon fighting thing?
Yeah, it's what brought us together. I almost feel sorry for the Suvolte.
The demon decks Sam in the face and she goes down.
But not quite.
Riley moves forward with a taser. He catches the demon's arm before it can hit Sam and jams the tazer in its gut. It has basically zero effect on the rampaging creature and Buffy watches calmly as Sam and Riley continue to fight.
The demon flings them both off and Buffy rejoins the fight. Sam pins the demon's arm while Riley kicks it. Buffy grabs the demon in a headlock.
Call this your wedding gift.
She twists violently, snapping the demon's neck. It falls to the ground, dead. Sam recoils, shocked.
So guess that's mission accomplished.
Riley kneels by the demon's corpse and shakes his head, disappointed.
She killed it.
Oh, honey... that's okay.
Okay? Wait... you guys have been tracking this thing as a couple for two days straight and you... did want it dead, right?
Riley and Sam share an uncomfortable look.
Oh.
Let me guess... Captain Can-Do over here forgot to mention that this was a homing operation. But it's nice to finally meet you, by the way. (to Riley) Knife.
Sam holds out her hand and Riley slaps a large knife into it. She kneels beside the demon.
What is a homing operation?
It's my fault. I should have explained.
That would have saved me some... trouble.
Sam slices open the demon's belly and thick yellow liquid oozes out.
Damn. We're too late. Finn, how could you recruit the Slayer without filling her in on the objective?
That'd be my question.
If we weren't under severe time constraints I'd seriously think about ripping you a new one.
Stand down, soldier.
He's your boss, too?
Oh, he wishes. We better regroup. Buffy, I hate to impose further but... you got a safe house?
I have a house. I think it's safe. Sometimes you can't even leave.
Sam shoots her a confused look but Riley ignores it.
I know the way. (to Buffy) And I'll fill you in. On everything.
Buffy enters followed by Sam and Riley.
Sorry the place is such a mess. I haven't had a chance to give it a good cleaning.
Dawn stands in the living room, arms folded critically.
Hey.
Agent Finn returns.
Dawn. Jeez, look at you. I think you grew a foot and a half.
A lot can happen in a year.
Riley accepts the rebuke.
Well, it's good to see you.
Willow and Xander come out to greet them as well.
Hey, there's the man! Life-taker, heartbreaker. (shakes Riley's hand) You know, figuratively speaking.
Xander, Sam. Willow...
Hi.
Riley gives Willow a big hug.
Hi.
We got your call.
We're here to help. Just like old times. Except, with you being all big with the married life.
Hear you're getting hitched yourself. Believe me, you're gonna love it.
Congratulations, really, both of you.
They all move into the living room. Buffy hangs back and Willow sidles up to her.
Just so you know? I'm prepared to hate this woman any way you want.
Thanks, but no. I don't want to seem all petty.
Well, that's the beauty! You can't but I can. Please. Let me carry the hate for the both of us.
Buffy watches Riley and Sam laughing and talking together.
Go nuts.
Buffy and Willow exchange a nod and proceed into the living room. Dawn remains in the doorway, her arms crossed, stubbornly refusing to be happy to see Riley.
So. What brings you back to town after you left suddenly with no word?
Sam and I have been tracking a Suvolte demon through Central America. Killing machine. Nearly mature.
Yeah, three months old and growing fast.
These things start to kill the minute they're hatched and leave a real clear trail.
Yeah. Just follow the villages with nothing in them but body parts.
Dawn are you sure you want to be around hearing all this?
Oh, come on, Finn. She looks all grown-up to me. (to Buffy) That is if it's all right with you.
Sure, yeah, it's fine.
So this demon shredded your guys and now you're looking for a little payback?
No. It came here to the Hellmouth to spawn but we think it already hatched its eggs somewhere.
And the plan was to track it. Let the demon take us to its nest.
And... now they're going to hatch a bunch of baby demon things?
Unless we stop it.
Which means we have to find the nest and fast before Sunnydale turns into the Troublemeat Palace. (off their looks) I wish I'd said something else.
Okay, so we track down the demon, find the nest, Mr. and Mrs. Finn here make with the killing and everyone goes home happy. (to Riley) But seriously, married man, if forced to choose between a photographer and place settings--
We can't track the demon. I killed it. (perky) So! Who's hungry? We got--
Ice cubes.
All you can eat.
Buffy? It's good that you killed the Suvolte before it killed us. (to Xander) Disposable cameras.
Di-- what?
Yeah, you know, little plastic ones. Ten bucks a pop. You arrange them like table settings. Guests snap photos... breaks the ice and when the wedding's over, you get to take home the pictures.
I like it!
Buffy is hating Sam's well-rounded perfection. She stares at the floor while Willow makes snide faces at Sam. When they turn back to Buffy, Willow instantly shifts back to innocent-face.
So demon eggs... any timetable on when they're going to hatch?
Hatching's not the problem.
We think they're going to be sold on the black market. There are some foreign military powers that would love to have their own Suvolte. You could never train it but drop it on an urban population...
And it cleanses the area.
Is that a nice way of saying it kills people?
Lots of 'em. Money's been exchanged. There's a dealer in town, calls himself the Doctor. Willow, you think you can help with a little locating spell?
I can't do the magicks.
Oh, Riley says you're comin' on as one major-league Wicca.
I got addicted. The way addicts do.
Willow gets up and quickly leaves the room. Riley continues on, covering for her.
Two teams. No civilians. I'll go out and look for our Doctor. You two find that nest.
Me and Sam together?
You come across a Suvolte nest, you're going to want backup.
You know, I don't want to be dragging down the Slayer. (to Buffy) You've got speed and power I can't even--
Let's go. Xander, are you okay to stay with Dawn?
Yeah.
I'll check out some bars. Willy's, some... crypts that I know.
Willow sits alone, pensive. Sam enters and approaches awkwardly.
Hey, Willow. I'm sorry. I think I really stepped in it in there. (beat) You know, back in the jungle, we had not one but two hard-core shamans working for us. They were working the dark magicks and... got addicted. And now they're gone. Gone as in there's nothing left. I've never met anyone with enough strength to quit before.
Willow looks up at her and nods.
I'm just saying.
She turns and leaves, leaving Willow alone again. After a moment, a small smile tugs at the corners of her mouth.
Sam and Buffy patrol in their commando gear.
Thanks for letting me tag along.
No problem.
Maybe not for you. I gotta tell you, Buffy, I'm a little bit intimidated. I mean, patrolling with the real live Slayer. You're like... Santa Claus or Buddha or something.
Fat and jolly?
Legendary. And it's not just Slayer status I'm talking about. It's you.
Riley talks about me?
He didn't say anything for a long time but I could tell. He was ripped up inside.
Good thing he has you.
More like miraculous. I went down to Central America with the Peace Corps. One night, my entire infirmary got slaughtered by... I didn't know what they were. I got saved, quit the Corps, joined the squad. My first firefight, I met Riley. We started talking, you know, first about tactics, missions, stuff like that. And then about you.
He thinks... I let him go.
Do you wish you hadn't?
I wish things were different. I'm not trying to... I don't... you know.
I didn't mean to put you on the spot, Buffy. There's no bad guys in this one. The only thing that could help Riley work it out was time. Lots of time. Took him a year to get over you.
I'm glad he's over me.
So you seeing anyone new? Someone special?
You know, I just take my time. I don't want to jump right into anything... don't want to be defined by who I'm with.
Yeah, better no guy than the wrong guy, that's for sure.
Sam, you know what? I think we should split up.
Oh, I'm slowing you down. I knew I would. This was just selfish of me.
No, it's not... there's this guy-- an informant-- but he's twitchy. I show up with company and we get nothing.
Cool. I'm guessing Finn needs me about now. He's probably off somewhere gettin' his ass kicked. You know how wild he gets. Don't worry about Rye and me. We're good.
She runs off into the night.
I noticed.
Spike sits on the mausoleum reading a book. He has turned the mausoleum into a sofa, complete with blanket and throw pillows. The door slams open and Buffy strides in.
Buffy. Hey, now... if I'd've known you were coming, I'd've baked a cake.
Buffy stands before him, pulling off her gloves.
I need information.
Well, suppose I could be helpful. If the price is right. I'm not sure I'm selling out at Doublemeat Palace wages, though.
I need to find a guy. Dealer. Calls himself the Doctor.
Human?
His traffic isn't.
Clock ticking?
Whatever he's doing, he's doing it soon.
Spike considers her carefully.
Soon but not now?
Tell me you love me.
I love you. You know I do.
Tell me you want me.
I always want you. In point of fact--
Shut up.
Buffy pushes him back onto the makeshift sofa and they start pulling their clothes off.
Later. Buffy and Spike lie on the mausoleum, asleep, naked and covered with blankets.
The door slams open again. Spike stirs and lifts his head to look. Buffy raises her head also and gasps in shock. She sits up, holding the blanket up over her breasts, as Riley enters the crypt. Spike chuckles and props himself up on his elbows.
Well, looky here. I don't usually use the word delicious... but I've gotta wager this little tableau must sting a bit, eh? Me and your former? Must kill. What can I say? Girl just needs a little monster in her man.
Buffy looks away, humiliated.
That's not why I'm here... Doctor.
Buffy rounds on Spike, her face a mute accusation.
Buffy looks from Riley to Spike, realization dawning.
Oh, god.
Here I thought we'd run you out of town, mate.
Buffy scoops up her clothing, scowling at Spike, and moves out of sight to get dressed.
Last time I saw you, if memory serves, you were getting the juice sucked out of you by some undead ladies of very questionable reputation.
Spike sits up on the sofa, naked, displaying himself for Riley who averts his eyes.
Now be a good tin soldier and shoo.
Where are they... Doctor?
Where are what and why do you keep calling me that?
He stands up and slips on his pants.
Glad to be back in Sunnydale. The locals all speak English and I know who to beat for information. It's all brought me here.
Look, crew cut, she's not your bint any more and if I can speak frankly, she always had a little thing for me, even when she was shagging you.
Nice. That's very distracting. Now tell me before I get unprofessional... where are the eggs, Spike?
He raises his assault rifle and points it casually at Spike's head.
Eggs? You're off your nut. It must be those drugs they were keeping you on. I did warn you.
Okay. We can do this the hard way or we can do this the fatal way.
Riley decks Spike just as Buffy reappears, fully dressed.
Where are the eggs?
Look, the Doctor, it can't be Spike.
No need to defend me, luv.
Buffy decks him also.
Look, it can't be, okay? He's too incompetent. It's just Spike, Riley.
Right. Deadly... amoral... opportunistic. (beat) Or have you forgotten?
Buffy turns away. She knows he's right.
I'm taking this place apart until I find that nest.
Over my dead body.
I've seen enough of your dead body for one night, thanks.
Riley shoves Spike aside with the barrel of his rifle. Spike tries to stop him.
Well, you're not going to--
Riley shoves him to the ground and starts down the ladder to the underground chamber.
You coming?
Buffy hesitates, then follows Riley.
Oh, this is... unconstitutional, is what it is! Here!
Riley and Buffy drop to the ground and start looking around.
There's nothin' to see down there!
Riley, look, I'm not saying that he's good, okay. I'm just saying that he's not capable of something as--
She stops as they round a corner and come upon a dozen basketball-sized demon eggs. They are surrounded by a viscous yellow fluid much like the demon's blood.
Riley cocks his gun as Spike runs in behind them.
I can explain.
We're going to need more weapons. Spike screwed up. You didn't keep 'em frozen, did you... Doctor?
You can stop calling me that any time. If I may, the thing of it is, I'm holding these for a friend who--
Buffy decks him again. He falls to the floor, his nose bloody.
No more games.
Well, that's bloody funny coming from you! No more games? That's all you've ever done is play me. You keep playing with rules you make up as you like. You know what I am. You've always known. You come to me all the same.
Can you shut him up?
Not so far.
Spike gives up and leaves in disgust.
You better get out of here.
Buffy backs away as one of the eggs suddenly bursts open and a baby demon leaps out with a primal scream. It looks like a cross between a crab and a cockroach.
On second thought, stick around.
Riley tosses his gun to Buffy and takes out his taser as more of the eggs hatch. The creatures scuttle toward them, lightning quick.
Riley, I--
Aim high, plenty of lead.
I'm not exactly Gun Girl.
You want to live, learn fast.
Buffy fires the gun and a stack of old record albums shatter. Another shot hits a pillow on the bed sending feathers up in a cloud. A third shot and a lamp explodes. She gives up and uses the gun to club a demon as it flies at her.
These things? Never useful.
She tosses the gun aside as she and Riley take stock of their situation. The demons are scurrying everywhere, even along the ceiling.
We have to pull out.
One of the demons falls onto Riley's back. He grabs at it and yanks it off as he and Buffy run for the exit with the rest of the baby demons in pursuit.
Buffy climbs up the ladder and emerges into the mausoleum proper. Riley follows her up and lies panting next to the opening in the floor.
We need a way to contain these things--
Riley!
She grabs Riley's belt and detaches it, then pulls the pin on one the attached grenades and tosses the whole belt back down into the hole.
Get down!
Buffy throws herself on top of Riley, shielding him with her body.
The new-born demons swarm over the belt on the floor just as the grenade detonates. Fire and shrapnel fills the lower chamber, incinerating everything in the room.
The fire and smoke subsides and Buffy lifts her head, then looks back down at Riley beneath her.
Xander sits on the edge of the bathtub, Anya on the closed toilet. Muffled Angry voices come from the apartment beyond.
You know, if you love Riley Finn so much, maybe you should just marry him.
He's taken. And that's not the point.
So you think that their marriage is better than ours, is that it?
No! But granted, I have a hard time imagining Nick and Nora Fury hiding out from their own relatives in the bathroom.
Something crashes to the floor outside.
And I have no idea what Riley and Mrs. Riley's wedding was like.
Well, you haven't shut up about them.
Well, they have a great marriage! And it bummed Buffy out but I can see it. And Anya... I really have no clue what their wedding was like.
So our wedding... (Xander nods)...is not our marriage.
Separate things. One fills me with a dread akin to public speaking engagements.
And that would be the wedding.
Which will be over soon.
But our marriage...
That lasts forever.
Anya smiles, relieved.
Ah, well. That works out nicely, then.
She leans over to kiss Xander as another loud crash comes from the living room.
Buffy and Riley emerge onto the street and walk along the sidewalk.
So are you and Sam headed back to Central America? Or is that classified?
Nepal.
Sounds fun.
I'll send you a postcard.
Buffy-- Riley--
By mission parameters, I'm done here but I have authorization to take the Doctor out. (beat) Do you want me to do that?
Do I want you to...? How can you ask me... I'm sleeping with him. (measured) I'm sleeping with Spike.
I had actually noticed that.
And then you come back... and did you wait until your life was absolutely perfect and then send that demon here so you could throw it in my face?
Look, you think this was easy for me?
Yeah! I think it was a rollicking adventure. Fun for the whole family.
I was terrified about seeing you again.
Well, I'm sure my incredible pathetic-ness softened the blow for you.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Riley, please don't patronize--
Hey! You want me to say that I liked seeing you in bed with that idiot? Or that blinding orange is your very best color? Or that... burger smell is appealing?
You smelled the smell?
Buffy, none of that means anything. It doesn't touch you. You're still the first woman I ever loved... and the strongest woman I've ever known. And I'm not advertising this to the missus but you're still quite the hottie.
You know, it goes away after many bathings.
This isn't about who's on top. I know how lucky I am right now. I love my work and I love my wife.
I know. And I kinda love her, too.
So you're not in the greatest place right now. And maybe I made it worse.
No.
The wheel never stops turning, Buffy. You're up, you're down... it doesn't change what you are. And you are a hell of a woman.
She takes a deep breath.
Riley, that night... I never got the chance to tell you how sorry I was. About what happened between us.
And you never have to.
The door to the magick shop opens again and Sam and Xander exit, followed by Dawn and Willow.
Well, the wedding itself was held in a military chopper just before a hairy night drop into hostile territory.
Huh! And just curious, what's a chopper rental run these days?
Oh, well actually, we commandeered it from a local guerilla squad so... cheap!
Oh!
Yeah. (to Willow) You have my email. You promise you'll keep in touch?
You won't get traced? I don't want to lead the bad guys to your location by mistake.
Our line's secure.
Oh, duh! Of course it is! I keep thinking of you like regular people but no, you're not.
Oh, right. Like demon-hunting is all exotic to a girl from Sunnydale.
Dawn confronts Riley as Sam hugs Willow and Xander goodbye.
So you gonna say goodbye this time or just split all secret-agenty like last time?
The deep bass thumping of a helicopter's rotors gets reaches the group and grows steadily louder.
Depends. Do I warrant a hug?
She steps forward and hugs Riley tight. He pulls back to look at her with a smile.
Goodbye, Dawn.
I thought it would suck less this time. It doesn't.
It was really nice meeting you all. (to Riley) You ready for Nepal, agent?
Soldier.
Riley follows Sam out into the street. The helicopter's search light stabs down, illuminating them in its harsh glare.
Firefights, bug hunts, big body counts... yeah, I could use a break.
A retrieval line drops down from the chopper and Riley attaches it to his belt. He and Sam wrap their arms around each other and Riley gives the line a quick tug.
After a moment, they rise into the night and out of sight.
Bye!
Bye! Bye, Riley! Bye, Sam!
After they're gone, Dawn and Xander walk off. Willow moves over to Buffy, still waving.
What a bitch.
She heads off after Xander and Dawn, leaving Buffy alone in the night.
Spike takes in his charred furniture and burned possessions. Bits of cooked demon litter the room and stick to the ceiling. He nudges a bit of rubble with his foot, sighs, and stares at the floor.
Buffy appears in the door but Spike doesn't look at her.
So she's back. Thought you'd be off snogging with soldier-boy.
He's gone.
So you come for a bit of cold comfort? The bed's a bit blown up but then that was never our--
I'm not here to-- (beat) And I'm not here to bust your chops about your stupid scheme, either. That's just you. I should have remembered.
So this is worse, then, is it? This is you telling me--
It's over.
He smiles and moves closer.
I've memorized this tune, luv. I think I have the sheet music. Doesn't change what you want.
I know that. I do want you. Being with you makes things... simpler. For a little while.
I don't call five hours straight a little while.
I'm using you. I can't love you. I'm just... being weak and selfish.
Really not complaining here.
And it's killing me. I have to be strong about this. (beat) I'm sorry... William.
She turns and walks off. Spike is speechless. He knows she's serious this time.
Buffy emerges from the crypt into the sunlight.