[Transcript of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" episode Hells Bells at buffyology.com.]
Thunder rumbles and lightning flashes outside.
CU on BUFFY and WILLOW as they stare, horrified.
Buffy, it's hideous. Oh, my god, Buffy. Look at its arms!
Buffy nods bravely.
I know. But it's my duty.
Reveal Buffy and Willow reflected in a full-length mirror dressed in identical tacky green satiny dresses. Buffy's dress has short sleeves while Willow's sleeves reach to her elbows. The gowns are festooned with ruffles and a large green flower over the breast. Buffy has her hair up in a bun with a large white flower attached to one side of her head.
I'm... Buffy the Bridesmaid.
Flash of lightning, clap of thunder.
Duty-schmuty. I'm supposed to be best man. Shouldn't I be all Marlene Dietrichey in a dashing tuxedo number?
No.
Oh.
That would be totally unfair. We must share equally in the cosmic joke that is bridesmaidsdom.
Well, maybe if I ask Anya, I can still go with the traditional blood larva and burlap. I mean, she was a, a vengeance demon for like a thousand years. She would know all the most flattering... larvae.
She turns and look at her butt in the mirror.
What was she thinking?
I think she's probably too stressed to be thinking right now. What with Xander's relatives and her... demons.
Oh, my god! Last night, that rehearsal dinner. That was like a zoo without the table manners. And I bet it got worse after we left.
I just can't believe everyone bought that story about Anya's people being circus folk. Did you see the guy with the tentacles? What's he supposed to be? Inky the Squid Boy?
And Xander's family. I haven't seen them that bad since my bat mitzvah. Ugh, did you see how much they drank?
Kinda. Mr. Harris threw up in my purse.
Willow nods sympathetically as ANYA appears in the doorway wearing a bathrobe. She sees the other two and gasps, her hands flying to her mouth.
Oh! You guys look so beautiful!
She runs over and wraps them both up in a big hug.
This is the happiest day of my whole life!
Buffy and Willow put on a brave face for Anya's benefit.
XANDER stands in the kitchen nook wearing his tuxedo shirt and pants. His UNCLE RORY fiddles with the coffee machine wearing a purple bathrobe, red boxers and no shirt.
You seen my cuff-links, Uncle Rory? Little metal deals, hold my sleeves together?
Oh, you don't want those. What you really want is Velcro. Did I ever tell you how that was my idea?
'Scuse me, coming through. (to Xander) Hey.
Hey!
KRELVIN walks past and pats Xander on the back. He's a demon, his face covered in warts. Rory roots around in the kitchen drawers while COUSIN CAROL pours some cereal into a bowl for her daughter KAREN.
How you doin'?
Good.
Krelvin opens the refrigerator. Carol and Karen stare at him warily.
Rory? Whatcha doin' there?
Well, I'm trying to make myself an Irish coffee but this stupid thing is on the fritz.
Yeah, watch it. It's still plugged in.
Rory suddenly goes rigid and shakes uncontrollably. As Xander lunges forward to unplug the coffee machine, Rory points at him and laughs.
Gotcha.
Xander turns away, exasperated, as Karen takes a hit from her asthma inhaler.
Oh, is that broken? You want me to take a look at that?
Knock yourself out there, Kevin.
It's Krelvin.
Right, right. Krelvin.
The door opens and Xander's parents enter. JESSICA HARRIS wears a long coat with a scarf. ANTHONY HARRIS wears a raincoat over his tuxedo.
Whoo!
Xander, you're not ready yet?
Jessica takes out her mirror and tries to fix her hair.
Look at my hair. Of course, I suppose it doesn't really matter because I won't actually be in any of the pictures.
You'll be in the pictures, Mom.
I think your hair looks lovely.
Oh.
Hey, how's about some breakfast?
Oh, well, I guess if I'm a little plump it doesn't matter since I won't really be--
You'll be in the pictures, Mom!
Anthony gestures to Krelvin.
That's one of hers, right? (to Krelvin) Hey. You're one of hers, right?
You met Krelvin already, Dad. Last night.
Yeah. Yeah, we met. You said I resembled your mother-in-law.
Tony!
Oh, yeah.
And then you hit me with a cocktail wiener and then you insulted my heritage.
Heritage? Being circus folk is suddenly heritage now? I mean no disrespect, of course. I'm sure you come from a long, proud line of geeks.
Anthony chuckles to himself but he's the only one who is amused. Xander brushes past him heading for the door.
I'm kidding. Just kidding.
Xander? Xander!
Carol stops Xander before he can escape.
You know that guy Kevin? If he could clear up the skin problem... do you think...? (sighs) Do you suppose he'd date a woman with a kid? I mean, I really can't afford to be very picky.
Cousin Carol? Your earrings are my cufflinks.
They are? Oh, my. Oops.
She takes them off and hands them over.
Excellent. (to others) Cufflinks: check. We're rolling. Nothing on earth can stop this wedding now.
The outline of a man suddenly appears out of nowhere in the pouring rain. He slowly solidifies into STEWART BURNS, a mundane-looking elderly man in a raincoat. He pauses, looks around, then opens his umbrella and resumes walking.
Lightning flashes, thunder rumbles.
Opening credit sequence.
Buffy stands behind Xander, wearing his tuxedo jacket over her bridesmaid dress and straining to fasten his cummerbund.
Is it too small?
Nah.
It fit when I picked up the tux. How could it not fit now?
It'll fit.
Aw, man! What if it doesn't? What if I can't wear my cummerbund and then the whole world can see the place where my pants meet my shirt? Buffy, that can not happen. I must wear das cummerbund!
Buffy yanks hard on the cummerbund.
And so... you... shall!
She snaps it closed and stands back, smiling triumphantly.
Hey, you got it!
Slayer strength.
Buffy takes his bow-tie from around her neck and puts it around his. She smiles and begins tying for him.
And I've been meaning to cut back on that habit-forming oxygen.
Look at you. You look great, Mr. About-To-Get-Married. Glowing.
She suddenly freezes and stops smiling.
Oh, my god! Maybe you're pregnant!
Maybe. I don't know... maybe I'm just happy.
Tears start to well up in Buffy's eyes.
Teary!
Oh! Good. Good teary.
Happy teary? Not frustrated with bow-tie teary?
Yes. Happy. Happy for you. That makes me happy for me. You and Anya give me hope. It's like... you two are proof that there's light at the end of this very long, long, nasty tunnel. And I cannot tie this tie. Where's your best man? Isn't she supposed to do this?
Well, she said she had something important to do.
Willow watches while TARA buttons up Anya's gown for her.
Want me to hold it shut for you?
Okay.
Willow nervously reaches over to hold the edges of the gown together for Tara.
Are you guys even listening? I need feedback, people.
Anya's hair is in curlers and she's wearing a mask over her eyes.
Sorry. Please continue with the vows.
She smiles shyly at Willow.
'I, Anya, promise to love you, to cherish you, to honor you... but not to obey you, of course, because that's anachronistic and misogynistic and who do you think you are, like a sea captain or something?'
Tara and Willow giggle quietly behind Anya's back.
'However, I do entrust you with...' (beat) What? Is something funny?
No, nothing, sweetie. Just keep still.
Okay. Blah, blah, blah, misogynistic. Blah, blah, 'I do however entrust you... with my heart. Take care of my heart, won't you please? Take care of it because it's all that I have and if you let me, I'll take care of your heart, too. I'll protect it and tend to it, like a little stray...' Wait, no. 'Like a little mangy stray that needs a home.' No, that's not it either.
I think we're all set here. Let's take a look at you.
Anya turns around as Willow and Tara step back. Their eyes go wide in amazement.
Oh...
Wow. You look lovely. Really lovely.
Anya smiles happily and turns back to the mirror. Her gown is white, strapless, fitted to the knees, then flares out into a train.
Thanks. It's probably the blush of imprudent spending. Do you think Xander will like it? (nervous) Oh, I want to see Xander now!
You can't. It's bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her dress, remember?
Right. I can't keep all these ridiculous traditions straight. What if I'm not wearing my dress when I see him? (off Willow's look) Okay, no sex. Cuddling? Okay. It's just I'm so excited and I want to share it all with my best friend. (excited) I get to be with my best friend forever! Yay!
Cars are pull up in the pouring rain and the guests start to arrive carrying umbrellas and gifts.
Ushers take coats and escort the guests to their seats. Groups of people stand around chatting.
Uncle Rory has his arm around a young blonde woman in a black-and-white CATERER's uniform. He turns to DAWN who is also in one of the lime green bridesmaids dresses.
Guess who agreed to be my date for tonight?
I'm really supposed to be working. I'm one of the caterers?
Oh, hush, hush. No woman of mine is going to work. All you have to do is sit pretty and laugh when I tell a good one. Tell her what a funny guy I am, Dawnie.
Gotta go. Enjoy the wedding.
Dawn abandons the hapless caterer and makes her escape. Uncle Rory laughs guides his "date" further into the reception hall.
Oh. Bad head.
What?
He points to a large bison head mounted on the wall draped with a bridal veil.
Well, the lip wasn't split right. You see, what you gotta do is you gotta grab the lip between your thumb and your finger and then you have to slice right through the center of the meat. It was my trade. I used to stuff things. I still do but only for fun.
Dawn moves through the crowd. A couple of goth-types nod politely at her. She smiles at them, then turns around as D'HOFFRYN enters carrying a bright orange box with a purple bow. He gives his umbrella to an attendant and looks down at Dawn.
Ah. Hymen's greetings.
Hy-- what?
Hymen, the God of Matrimony. His salutations upon you. May the love we celebrate today avoid an almost inevitable decline.
Cool.
I brought a gift. I suppose there's a table.
HALFREK enters behind him, her demonic features contrasting starkly with her green bridesmaids dress.
Dawn looks over at her, annoyed.
Oh... Halfrek. Hello.
Oh, please! Call me Hallie. We're practically family now.
Hmm. Neat. (to D'Hoffryn) I can put this on the table for you.
He hands her the gift.
Thank you. Careful, it's--
Fragile?
Squirmy.
Dawn looks closely at the box and notes the numerous air holes in it. A tentacle slithers out of one and Dawn recoils.
Oh.
Nervously holding the box at arm's length, she heads for the gift table. Halfrek falls in beside her with D'Hoffryn following behind.
So Dawnie, how's everything? Going good? Nothing you... nothing you wish was different?
Hallie, for Yekk's sake, take a day off. We're not here to do vengeance. We're here to mingle.
Dawn sets the gift down with the others and backs away as more tentacles poke out.
She turns around just in time to see SPIKE enter with his date TARANTULA. She's goth to the extreme and wears a perpetual sneer on her face. Spike looks around casually as Dawn approaches.
Spike!
Oh. I want you to meet my date.
Dawn shakes her hand.
Hi. I'm Dawn.
Uh-huh.
So yeah. Anyway, that's my date. She's with me. My date for the wedding.
Yeah. Okay, well, nice meeting you.
They head off in opposite directions and Dawn moves through the growing crowd of humans and demons. She passes Carol, Jessica, Rory and two demons, one of whom is CLEM. The other has TENTACLES protruding from his face and hands in the shape of lobster claws.
So circus folk-- what's that like?
Your friend, the fellow with the warts, went off on his circus 'heritage,' like you folks are all in some kind of cult or something.
Well, there are ancient ways. Clowning as an occupation grew out of the commedia del'arte and ancient sports, of course.
Carol nods and smiles knowingly.
Yeah, well, the thing is, if you expect Xander to bring up his kids in some kind of foreign-speaky bow-to-the-easty kind of cult--
So you think the children should be raised in ignorance of our ways?
No! No, the Harrises are very broad-minded. (proud) We're Episcopalians.
Anthony at the bar, glass in hand.
'Til death do us part. That's what cracks me up.
He drains his glass and slaps it down on the bar.
Hit me again, barkeep.
Stewart Burns walks past Anthony, nervously scanning the room.
Xander, now fully-dressed, adjusts his coat and corsage and takes a deep breath.
How do I look?
Buffy looks him up and down.
Well, let's see. Found your shoes... your fly's zipped. I'd say you look like you're ready to get married. You're one of the decent ones, Xander. I hope I'm as lucky as you guys someday.
You want to get lucky? I've still got what? Fifteen, twenty minutes?
Buffy smiles and hugs him.
Oh! All right. Into the breach with you.
Okay, breach me.
Buffy takes his hand and they head for the door.
Now, let's go over the list one more time. Number one?
Don't let your dad near the bar.
Check. Number two?
Don't let your mom near the bar.
Check.
Hey, Buffy.
Xander and Buffy turn as Dawn comes down the hallway behind them.
Spike's here and he brought a total skank.
Huh?
Skank! A manic-panicked freak who he's like totally macking with right in the middle of the room. I saw him shove his tongue--
Spike brought a date?
Yeah. (snickers) Wait till you see her.
Guys, I better go meet and greet.
Just go ahead. I'll be a sec.
He heads down the hall and pauses at the doors to the room where his guests have gathered. He takes a moment and composes himself, then reaches for the doorknob.
Xander opens the door and peeks out, then moves into the room, closing the door quietly behind him. People congratulate him as they notice him. He smiles and nods at them all.
An elderly woman reaches out and pinches his cheeks while his mother fusses over him.
Alexander. Do you realize that the usher sat us in the third row?
Mom, I'm sure it was a mistake.
Well, I don't think it was really--
Burns interrupts but is himself immediately eclipsed by the arrival of Uncle Rory.
Excuse me.
Say, neph, do you know where the photographer is? I've got a proposition for him--
Burns tugs on Xander's sleeve.
Please, I really need to talk to you.
Xander?
Honey, listen to me.
Xander is surrounded and overwhelmed. He doesn't know where to turn.
Xander, one of Anya's presents got loose!
Got loose?
It's fine--
Yeah, it's a fully-live squiggily thingy and hey, why is Halfrek a bridesmaid?
Please, please, you have to listen. You have to listen to me!
Burns pulls Xander to the side as Dawn, Rory and Jessica continue talking over each other.
You can't get married today. It's a huge mistake.
Yeah right, thanks for the advice, Uncle... help me here?
Uncle? You don't recognize me, do you?
I'm sorry, I don't--
It sounds crazy, I know. But you have to believe me. I'm Xander Harris. I'm you.
Resume. Xander stares at the old man, not quite sure what to make of him and his bizarre claim.
What do you mean, you're me?
I'm you. I'm you from the future.
Oh, from the future! For a minute I thought you were a nutball but now that you're from the future--
Please, listen to me. I found a way back to warn you. To tell you--
Hey, hey, easy, easy. Everything's going to be all right.
Toast!
Xander looks over his shoulder at his father who is already well on his way to being seriously drunk.
I swear I told that guy no drinks before the ceremony.
Toast! A toast! To the Harris clan.
Look. Look! I can prove it to you.
I know in the past we've had our problems...
The old man reaches into his pants pocket and takes out a small glowing purple orb.
I thought you might need convincing. Come on. Follow me.
As he leads Xander away, Xander looks back over his shoulder at his dad, worried.
...and to my wife, Jessica. Where are you, honey?
He looks around. Uncle Rory points her out.
There she is. (raises glass) To my wife. What would I do without you, beautiful?
Surprised, Jessica smiles.
Well, for starters, I probably wouldn't need to drink so much, would I? On the brighter side, marriage has probably saved me from a nasty dose of the clap. Here's to ya.
Jessica turns away, hurt. Clem and Tentacles stand nearby.
Does this jerk ever shut up?
He's starting to make my suckers twitch.
And a toast to the bride's dermatologically-challenged family shrub.
Sit down!
Hey, I paid for all this! You want me to sit down, you cough up a couple of grand, Squidly.
Tentacles lunges for Anthony, furious.
What'd you call me, you drunken piece of sh--
Mazel tov!
Buffy appears and grabs Anthony's arm, leading him away just in time. Clem manages to placate Tentacles and avoid a fight.
Hey, what's this?
You must be so happy for Xander on his very special once-in-a- lifetime day, huh, Mr. Harris?
Anthony ogles her breasts.
Nice chassis. What's under the hood?
You know, I could use a strong cup of coffee. Hey, let's get you one too. What do you say?
Did you used to own a little square pinkish purse?
I did.
She leads him away and Spike watches her from across the room where he stands with Tarantula.
I thought so. Hey, what do you say we slip in the back room and I show you my--
You finish that sentence and I guarantee you won't have anything to show.
Anthony stares in shock at Buffy and she yanks his arm, pulling him away.
Xander follows the old man into the room and points impatiently to Burns' orb.
What is it?
It's magick. Very powerful. Look at it. You'll see what I've seen. Feel what I've felt.
Xander stares into the orb which glows brighter with a strong purple light.
The light shoots out in a beam into the center of Xander's forehead. His body folds in on itself and slides down the beam into the orb.
The living room is a mess: an ironing board piled with clothes stands in the center of the room surrounded by toys and dirty cups and plates.
The orb energy appears and resolves into Xander, sitting in a La-Z-Boy armchair, holding a bottle of beer in one hand and a TV remote in the other. He's still in his tuxedo.
Anya.
No reply. He stares blankly at the TV.
Anya!
Xander's two children, JOSH and SARA run in screaming. Sara is obviously part demon, her ears large and flopping about.
Get the hell away from me! Dad, Josh is teasing me.
Sara's a weirdo! Sara's a weirdo!
Sara whines and runs off, pursued by Josh. Anya appears in the doorway, wearing a red suit and tucking her blouse into the skirt. Her expression is bored, resigned.
What?
You going out again?
I'm doing a make-over party.
I thought you hated those.
Well, one of us has to make some money.
She starts collecting empty beer bottles and dumps them in the trash.
Well, what do you want me to do, Anya? Huh? I can't work. My back is shot.
And whose fault is that?
Oh, no no no. Not the Buffy thing again.
You had no business fighting demons with her.
Buffy needed me. I had to help.
Well, it didn't save her, did it? All it did was ruin our lives.
They stare at each other in stony silence for a beat.
I'll be late.
She turns and storms out the front door, slamming it behind her.
I hope you crash in your stupid pink car!
Years later. Xander and Anya sit on one side of a booth, their children on the other. Josh is now 21 and Sara 18. Xander remains unchanged but Anya is in her 50s. Josh stares at his Palm Pilot. Sara's ears sport dozens of piercings; she's the demon equivalent of a punk rocker.
Xander lifts a glass of wine, then pauses when he notices Anya staring at him.
What?
Anya shakes her head dismissively.
I hate this place. You guys know I don't eat wheat.
You don't eat anything, freak.
At least I'm not a mama's boy.
At least I'm not a demonic freak.
Dad, make him cut it!
Maybe you should talk to your mother about that.
You've had too much wine.
Have I? (angry) I'm just saying maybe you should talk to your daughter!
Oh, I hate you guys! (stands up) And I know that you're not my real dad and I hate you! I hate you both! I wish you'd die!
Sara storms off. Anya continues eating without comment. Xander takes another sip of wine.
This sucks.
Years later. The sink is piled high with dirty dishes. Xander and Anya sit facing each other across the table. Again, he is unchanged but Anya is an old woman now.
If you were so unhappy, why didn't you just leave?
I wanted to. I should have!
Yeah, you should have. 'Cause then maybe I would have gotten some touch in the past twenty years.
I wasn't the one who stopped touching!
Maybe, but you weren't touching me!
What did you expect me to do? You wouldn't come near me after Buffy--
Don't bring her into this!
Fine. Forget her. Maybe you were just born to be a bitter, angry old man.
Shut up.
No! (tearful) I want my life back! If I hadn't married you I wouldn't have had to hate myself for the last 30 years!
Xander grabs a frying pan off the stove and raises it over his head.
Shut up!
He swings the frying pan at her head.
Xander is back to the present, panting and shocked. The orb in Burns' hands goes dark.
I'm so sorry. I didn't want to show you.
What happened? What was that?
A glimpse of your future. Harnessed... by magick.
Is she okay? Is she okay? What did I do?
Listen. I don't have long here. The spell that brought me back, it won't last. But you can change things. It doesn't have to go like this. But you can't marry Anya.
But--
You'll hurt her less today than you will later. Believe me. Sometimes two people... all they bring each other is pain.
Xander stares at him, horrified.
Most of the guests have taken their seats and are waiting for the ceremony to start. Buffy through the hall and pauses when she sees Spike leaning against the wall. For the moment, Tarantula is nowhere to be seen.
Buffy steels herself and approaches.
Hello, Buffy.
Hey.
It's a happy occasion. You meet my friend?
No. Not yet. But she seems like a very nice attempt at making me jealous.
Is it working?
A little. It doesn't change anything... but if you're wildly curious, yeah, it hurts.
I'm sorry. (false bravado) Or good! You want us to go?
No. No, I... you have every right to be here. I pretty much deserve--
That's not true. You... (sighs) god, this is hard.
Yeah.
I think we'll go.
Go where? To your place?
Yeah, I suppose. That was the idea.
Yeah.
Evil.
Of course.
But I won't. Or I... I'll just go. Give 'em my best or whatever. The happy couple.
I will.
It's nice to watch you be happy. For them, even. I don't see it a lot. You... you glow.
That's because the dress is radioactive. (beat) I should...
Yeah. But it hurts?
Yeah.
Thanks.
He turns and walks off.
You're welcome.
Spike finds Tarantula farther down the hall and grabs her hand.
Let's go, then.
What about the wedding?
Let's just piss off, all right?
He pulls her out the door.
Xander paces, staring at the floor, upset. Willow appears in the doorway and smiles.
I'll say this for the Y chromosome... looks good in a tux.
Xander tries to smile.
Well, your double X's don't look too bad there, either.
You're getting married. My little Xander.
All growed up.
It's a good thing I realized I was gay, otherwise... hey, you, me and formal wear...
Xander smiles and hugs her but he's still conflicted.
Do you know how much I love you?
Mmm... 'bout half as much as I love you.
You ready for the long walk?
Yeah, just give me a sec. I want to work on my vows.
Take your time. It's not like we can start the wedding without you.
She smiles and leaves. When she's gone, his smile disappears.
Anya has her hair down and covered with her veil.
'I, Anya, promise to cherish you...' Eww, no. Not cherish. 'I promise...'
Tara sits on a sofa nearby, a little bored.
'...to have sex with you whenever I want and... pledge to be your friend and your wife and your confidant and your sex poodle...'
Sex poodle?
Yeah, why?
I'm not sure you should say 'sex poodle' in your vows.
Huh.
A string quartet begins to play. The guests look around expectantly.
Anya hears the music and turns around, excited.
Music. They're playing the music! This is it.
The door opens and Buffy pokes her head in.
Are you ready to go?
Before Anya can answer, Buffy is pulled back out into the hall.
Buffy pulls the door closed and turns to Willow.
He's gone. Xander disappeared!
Resume. Buffy's not sure she heard Willow right.
What? Xander's gone? What should we do?
I'm going to go look for him... I'm going to find him. And you're going to stall.
Willow runs off and Buffy nervously turns back to the door.
Buffy enters again.
Sorry about that. There's just going to be a little bit of a delay.
Why? What's wrong?
Nothing! Nothing's wrong. It's just... the minister. He had to go and perform an emergency C-section.
A C-section?
Yeah! You know, he's... not just a minister, he's also a doctor. You know, he's half-minister, half-doctor. He's a mini-tor. Not, of course, to be confused with a minotaur! Because he's all, you know... man, this doctor/minister man. No bull parts whatsoever.
Uh-huh.
So it should just be a couple of minutes.
Okay.
Buffy quickly opens the door and leaves.
Okay. (to Tara) For the last time. 'I, Anya, want to marry you, Xander, because I love you and I'll always love you. And before I knew you, I was like a completely different person. Not even a person, really...'
Xander trudges along in the pouring rain, his tuxedo soaked.
'...and I had seen what love could do to people and it was hurt and sadness. Alone was better. And then suddenly there was you and... you knew me. You saw me and it was this... thing. You make me feel safe and warm.'
'So I get it now. I finally get love, Xander. I really do.'
The guests are restless, fidgeting in their seats. The demons fill one side of the aisle, the Harrises fill the other.
I'm bored.
It's a wedding, honey. We're all bored.
Buffy appears at the head of the aisle to announce the delay. As soon as the string quartet sees her they begin playing the Wedding March and Buffy frantically gestures for them to stop.
No! No, it isn't... (to guests) It's not what you think.
She hurries toward the altar as Cousin Carol wipes her eyes with a handkerchief.
Beautiful...
She throws a flirtatious smile across the aisle at Krelvin as Buffy runs to the dais. Buffy whispers the minister for a moment while the guests look on, confused.
Buffy finishes talking to the minister, then hastily retreats back down the aisle. The musicians begin to play the recessional music and Buffy glares to stop.
Anthony gets up and leaves under Jessica's steely gaze.
Anya paces angrily.
I mean, I am sorry, but what the hell is that minister thinking?
I don't know. He--
I mean, delivering a baby! On my special day! I mean, it's totally rude of him and the mother. I mean, why couldn't he have just told her to hold it?
The guests are restless. Anthony sits at the bar, tapping his fingers anxiously on the bar. Jessica stands nearby, glaring at him.
Give me a double, Jack.
This is a disaster.
It's that Anya, I know it. She made us pay for the whole thing and now she's going to louse it up. Women!
I offered to help. She didn't want my help.
Halfrek and D'Hoffryn in the front row.
This thing totally isn't happening. We should have known that she would never, ever--
I'm worried about Anya.
Oh, sure. Of course you are.
Oh, Halfrek, you know I love all my demons equally.
Cousin Carol rushes over to Buffy, who stands anxiously at the back of the room.
Buffy, you've gotta do something.
The dais. Buffy removes the mike from its stand.
So... who here's from out of town?
Silence. Beat. Clem raises his hand.
Dawn sits with a TEENAGE DEMON sporting curved horns on his forehead.
My family is worse.
No way. Mine is so messed up. You have no idea.
No, just wait until you see my mom dance at the reception, okay, and then tell me who's messed up.
I guess they're all messed up.
Yeah. Everybody's pretty lame.
Buffy has resorted to charades. Buffy holds up a finger, grinning.
First word...
Buffy holds her fingers to her head like horns and moves from side to side.
Antlers? Animals? Bull!
Buffy smiles, nods and points to the person who said "bull".
Anya strides angrily down the hall with Tara following behind.
Anya, wait up!
This bride waits for no one. If the minister's not here yet, well then, we'll just have to get married without a minister.
Buffy and Krelvin are juggling for the crowd to great applause.
Dawn and the demon teen are hear the applause and look toward the event hall.
Jeez. What is the holdup?
Can you keep a secret? Nobody knows this but the groom? He took off and no one can find him.
Anya walks past the kitchen just as Dawn says this and stops short.
What?
Um...
I'll catch you later, Dawn.
He bails leaving her with a very agitated Anya.
Xander's gone? Xander is missing? What do you mean Xander's missing?
Everyone can hear Anya's shout. Onstage, Buffy sags in defeat.
It's a joke. Xander's playing a joke. It's like one time, at one of Carol's weddings, I had this ape suit--
Oh, great.
--and I put it on--
Another Harris family joke. (to Anthony) Why don't you have another drink?
Drinking is the only way I can dull the pain of looking at your ugly face.
Tentacles stands up and confronts Anthony.
You better think real hard about this, Harris.
He smacks Anthony in the chest with his hand-claws.
Don't touch me with those nasty circus things!
Tentacles smacks him again and Anthony swings drunkenly at him, missing by a mile.
That's it!
He lunges at Anthony and they both fall to the floor, punching and kicking each other.
Everyone else clears their seats and a massive brawl breaks out.
On stage, Buffy rolls her eyes.
Tara tries to make her way through the chaos, screaming when two of the guests slam into her. Willow suddenly appears at her side, grabs her hand and pulls her to safety.
Thanks.
You okay?
Yeah.
They smile shyly at each other.
Anya wanders among the brawlers, stricken.
Xander? Have you seen Xander? Has anyone seen Xander?
Cousin Carol grabs Anya by the hand.
Well, I saw him go in the Trophy Room with that guy!
She points across the room at Stewart Burns who stands off to the side, watching the fight. Anya heads for him and intercepts him in the corridor.
You. You were talking to Xander right before he left. What did he say to you? What did you say to him?
Really doesn't matter now, does it? It's done.
What's done? Did you... if you said something to make him leave...
You'll what? Haven't changed a bit. Still as vindictive as ever.
Do I know you?
You don't recognize me, Anya? I'm not the man I used to be, I know.
Guys! Will you break it up?
Burns turns to leave but Anya stops him.
Xander. Where is he? You tell me, old man! You tell me why he left!
He left because of you.
I didn't do anything.
Oh, really? What about this?
Burns suddenly begins to grow and change into a massive demon with gray skin, amber eyes and short spikes covering its head.
Resume. The fighting continues in the event hall as the Burns demon confronts.
Tell me what you did with Xander. What are you?
You did this. You brought this on. I've waited a long time for this, Anyanka.
Tears stream down Anya's cheeks.
Who are you?
Remember Chicago? South Side, 1914?
Anya shakes her head and the demon growls, annoyed.
Stewart Burns. Philanderer! You'd think you'd remember. I remember you. But then again, you ruined my life.
You were a... I punished you?
That's right. Some hussy I'd been taking around summons you. Next thing I know, I look like this and I'm being tortured in another dimension.
I forgot.
Well, I didn't.
The demon punches Anya in the face and she reels backward. Across the room on the stage, Buffy sees her.
Anya!
Every day I remembered... and every day I thought how I would somehow get here and ruin your life like you ruined mine. It didn't take much either. I scared off your fiancé with a couple of phony visions.
Visions of what?
Your future. Or his nightmare vision of your future.
That's it? That's all you did?
Yeah, it was easy. Look at that! You're crying. Oh, I like that.
Stop it.
Oh, cry, Anyanka, cry. I love to see you cry. And now, I'd love to see you scream.
He slashes at Anya with a clawed hand. She shrieks and falls to the floor.
The demon tries to swing again but Buffy slams him in the head with a folding chair and he staggers backward. Anya staggers to her feet, two bloody gashes across her arm.
Buffy reaches down and rips a slit up the length of her dress to free her legs and turns back to the Burns demon who has seized Anya and holds her in its claws.
Come any closer and I'll kill her.
Buffy stands still, glaring at him. Suddenly Xander runs in from outside.
Anya!
Xander!
Buffy takes advantage of the distraction to kick the demon in the leg. It yells and lets go of Anya and Buffy lays into it with a volley of powerful blows. It recovers and decks her sending her reeling backward.
The brawling guests begin to notice the fight in the hallway and turn to look.
Anya runs over to Xander.
I'm so glad you're here! It was all lies, what he showed you. It wasn't true. He just wanted to break us up.
The demon seizes Buffy by the shoulders but she breaks free and gut punches it.
It doesn't matter now.
So we'll be okay?
Buffy kicks the demon, driving it to its knees, then slams its head down on the floor. It goes limp, stunned and barely conscious.
Buffy pushes between Xander and Anya.
Excuse me.
She grabs the veil off of the mounted bison head and goes back over to the demon as it starts to get back to its feet. She wraps the veil around its neck and yanks hard. The creature struggles weakly, choking.
Suddenly a piece of statuary smashes down on the demon's head and it falls to the floor unconscious. Reveal Xander holding the statute like a club.
He brings the statue down again, hard.
It's dead.
Yup.
The guests erupt in cheers and applause.
Willow, Tara, and Anya walk over and join Buffy and Xander. They all stare down at the corpse.
Is anyone else waiting for it to go poof? (beat) Maybe we can cover it with flowers.
The crowd starts righting their chairs and sitting back down in their seats.
Look at this damage. I'm not paying for this, you freaks!
Stop calling us freaks!
Krelvin shoves Anthony and the fight is on again.
Oh, no! No, not again! No!
The guests leap out of their seats and start slugging it out all over again.
Stop it!
Everyone freezes and stares at Anya.
Everyone sit down! This wedding will go on so get back in your seats!
All the guests hasten to obey.
A few minutes later. Xander and Anya stand alone by the front doors, holding hands.
You know, it's bad luck to see me in my dress. (beat) Hey, it's okay. It's all over now. He's dead and it was just smoke and mirrors.
I know.
So... we're ready now. Let's get married.
She turns to go into the hall but Xander stops her.
I... I'm not. I'm not ready. I can't, An. I'm sorry.
But it wasn't real. What he showed you, it wasn't real.
I know it wasn't real. But it could be.
Tears start to well in Anya's eyes.
What was it? Was it about me? 'Cause he wanted you to hate me, Xander.
It wasn't you. It wasn't you I was hating. I had these thoughts and fears before this. Maybe we just went too fast.
Look, everybody has thoughts. It's natural. It doesn't mean that getting married is wrong.
I know, I know...
Look, you're just shaken up, okay? You just calm down and we'll start over, okay?
Xander looks over into the event hall where his parents are arguing viciously with each other. Anthony raises his hand to Jessica and she grabs it, stopping him.
We can't start over. If this is a mistake, it's forever and I don't want to hurt you. Not that way.
He releases her hand.
I'm sorry. I am so sorry.
Anya stifles a sob and slowly, as if in a daze, she turns and walks off.
Xander watches her go, then leaves through the front door. The rain has stopped and the sun shines brightly.
Anya stands at the head of the aisle, still holding her bouquet. The string quartet starts the Wedding March again and the guests rise to their feet.
Anya walks down the aisle, still in shock, her face streaked with tears. She stops at the dais and stands there silent, her back to the crowd.
Dawn sits on the sofa with Buffy and Willow, drinking coffee.
Should we do something for her? Anything?
She wants to be alone. That's what she wants. Oh, god, it just hurts my heart to think of her.
I know. The whole thing hurts my heart.
I thought they were happy.
They were. I know they were. They were supposed to be my light at the end of the tunnel. I guess they were a train.
Why did this happen?
I don't know. I feel like I should be hating Xander but I can't. (sighs) I just... I just hope he's okay.
I wonder where he is.
The MANAGER opens the door to one of the rooms and leads Xander inside and hands him the key. Xander still wears his tuxedo.
Not much to explain. Air conditioner's busted. That's it. Check- out's at eleven.
The manager leaves, closing the door behind him. Xander stands in the center of the room staring blankly.
Anya is surrounded by a vast featureless black void. Her face is still streaked with tears and she still wears her rumpled wedding gown.
D'Hoffryn stands behind her and hands her a handkerchief.
Are you okay?
I'm tired of crying. I'm just so tired, D'Hoffryn.
Oh, Anyanka. I'm sorry. (beat) But you let him domesticate you. When you were a vengeance demon, you were powerful, at the top of your game. You crushed men like him. It's time you got back to what you do best... don't you think?
Anya raises her head and stares at D'Hoffryn. Her expression hardens and goes cold.