Selfless

[Transcript of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" episode Selfless at buffyology.com.]

Prologue

Note: All sung lyrics are indicated by the symbol.

INT. SUMMERS HOME-- WILLOW'S ROOM-- NIGHT

DAWN helps WILLOW unpack her things. She's moving in to Buffy's old room.

DAWN

My advice to you is do exactly what everyone else does all the time.

WILLOW

Got it.

DAWN

Do what everyone else does, wear what everyone else wears, say what everyone else says.

WILLOW

Okay.

DAWN

People may say something to you, you don't understand. Just don't be afraid to keep your mouth shut and pretend like you know what they're saying.

WILLOW

(laughs)
You know, Dawn, I've been to college before.

DAWN

People may say something like, "My protein window closes in an hour." Just nod and smile. Turns out it has something to do with fitness.

BUFFY and XANDER enter, carrying boxes.

BUFFY

Have you talked to her lately?

XANDER

Not since that night with the Gnarl demon. And that wasn't exactly the kind of "how have you been" kind of talk. More of the "pierce its eye with something sharp" kind of talking. I'm thinking I should call her.

BUFFY

I just don't want you to get your hopes up.

XANDER

Hopes? Oh, no, no. There are no hopes. Anya and I are done. I love being single. I'm a strong, successful male who is giddy at the thought of all the women I will no doubt be dating in the near future.

BUFFY

Strong, successful males say "giddy"?

XANDER

I just worry about her, that's all.

WILLOW

Anya?

XANDER

Yeah, she seems so sad.

DAWN

She should try acting like everybody else more.

WILLOW

Apparently it's what all the kids are doing nowadays.

BUFFY

Well, I'm not sure I get the sad vibe, but there's definitely a vengeance vibe worth worrying about.

XANDER

Oh, that? No, no. I don't worry about that. She was hurt and she just turned back to what she knew when I... you know. But that's not her anymore.

BUFFY

I hope you're right.

XANDER

Well, she turned that worm guy back before any real damage happened, right? It'll just take some time. I really think she's coming around.
CUT TO:

INT. UC SUNNYDALE-- GAMMA KAPPA TAU HOUSE-- NIGHT

A boy lies dead on the floor. Moving through the house reveals a dozen more dead bodies, all bloody and torn apart. Their hearts have been ripped from their chests. Reveal ANYANKA sitting against a far wall in shock, her face and clothes smeared with blood.

ANYANKA

What have I done?

Opening credit sequence.

Act I

INT. SJORNJOST, NORWAY (880)-- PEASANT HUT-- DAY

AUD (Anyanka in her pre-demon days) holds up a bunny and coos pleasantly to it as her husband OLAF enters. He is dressed in animal skins while Aud wears a long dress, her dark brunette hair falling in a cascade down her back. They speak to each other in Norwegian, subtitled in English.

TITLE CARD:

Sjornjost, 880

OLAF

Aud! Sweet, beautiful Aud! I am so hungry, I could eat a small child!

AUD

Olaf! Are you injured? You smell of blood and musk.

OLAF

Fear not! It takes more than a band of minor trolls to bring down the mighty Olaf.

AUD

Trolls!

OLAF

Oh, they are wretched creatures indeed. The mere thought of them makes me bend at the knee and flex.

AUD

Sweetheart, please sit down. Allow me to tend to you.

OLAF

I am fine. Really. I could go for some mead, though.

AUD

Certainly.

Olaf looks around the room.

OLAF

Is it my imagination or do we have substantially more rabbits in this house today?

AUD

Oh, they breed so quickly that it's--

OLAF

All this talk of breeding... it makes me want to breed!

AUD

Honey, of course. But here, drink your mead first.

OLAF

Ah, yes. Mead.

AUD

The rapid reproductive rate of our rabbits has given me an idea. I can give the excess out to the townspeople, exchanging them not for goods or services but for goodwill and the sense of accomplishment that stems from selflessly giving of yourself to others.

OLAF

Ha, ha, ha! Sweet Aud! Your logic is insane and happenstance, like that of a troll. It is no wonder that the bar matrons talk of you.

Aud's eyes narrow suspiciously.

AUD

You've been to the bar?

OLAF

(sighs)
It is not my fault they don't take kindly to you. You speak your mind and are annoying. It's one of the things I love most about you.

AUD

Was Rannveig there?

OLAF

Bah! I've told you a thousand times, I have no interest in this Rannveig. Her hips are large and load bearing, like a Baltic woman. Your hips are narrow, like a Baltic woman from a slightly more arid region. You are my perfect Aud. I could never want for another.

AUD

I am sorry. I simply love you so much. I feel as though I could burst at times. I could not live without you.

OLAF

Fear not, sweet Aud, you will always be my beautiful girl.
CUT TO:

INT. UC SUNNYDALE (PRESENT)-- GAMMA KAPPA TAU-- NIGHT

Anyanka washes her blood-soaked hands in the sink. The water runs red. She looks up in the mirror and can barely stand the sight of herself.

CUT TO:

INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH-- BASEMENT-- DAY

SPIKE sits on the floor with his back to a chain link fence that separates sections of the basement from each other. Buffy sits nearby, listening to him.

SPIKE

I don't trust what I see anymore. I don't know how to explain it, exactly. It's like I've been seeing things. Dru used to see things, you know? She'd always be staring up at the sky, watching cherubs burn or the heavens bleed or some nonsense. I used to stare at her and think she'd gone completely sack of hammers. But she'd see the sky when we were inside and it'd make her so happy. She'd see showers. She'd see stars. Now I see her.

BUFFY

Spike...

SPIKE

I'm in trouble, Buffy.

BUFFY

I can help you.

SPIKE

I could never ask. Not after...

BUFFY

It's different. You're different.

SPIKE

I could never ask.

BUFFY

Spike, it's me. It's you and it's me and we'll get through this.

SPIKE

Never...

Buffy takes his hand.

BUFFY

We'll get through this.

The sound of footsteps. Reveal Buffy approaching with a scowl. The other Buffy is suddenly gone and Spike huddles on the floor, alone.

BUFFY

Spike. This basement is killing you. This is the Hellmouth. There is something bad down here, possibly everything bad.

SPIKE

(laughs)
Can't hear you. Can't hear you.

BUFFY

You have a soul? Fine. Show me.

SPIKE

Scream montresor all you like, pet.

BUFFY

Get up and get out of this basement.

SPIKE

I don't have anywhere else to go.
CUT TO:

EXT. UC SUNNYDALE CAMPUS-- MAIN QUAD-- DAY

Willow walks with her PROFESSOR, discussing her return to school.

WILLOW

And it's not like I've been gone for that long and I've already done all the reading that I missed. And I can sign up for--

PROFESSOR

Willow, Willow, it's okay. We'll get you caught up in no time.

WILLOW

(smiles)
Really?

PROFESSOR

What am I going to say? No, I don't want my best student back in my class? Well, of course I noticed that drop-off in your grades at mid-term last year and I was concerned...

WILLOW

Yeah, that was--

PROFESSOR

But then... viola. You turned it around and aced all your finals like... boom. Magic.

WILLOW

(nervous laugh)
Yeah, similar to but...

PROFESSOR

Look, come see me during office hours tomorrow and we'll see about what we need to do to get you caught up, all right?

WILLOW

Okay. Thanks, professor.

The professor walks off as Willow spots Anyanka coming out of the frat house and waves.

WILLOW

Anya! Anya!

Anyanka wears a raincoat pulled tightly over her dress to hide the bloodstains. She looks over at Willow, nervous and distracted.

ANYANKA

Willow, hi. What're you doing here?

WILLOW

Oh, I'm starting back up at school again. Yeah, I can't believe how great everyone's been. I was a little worried but I already have books and homework and they even said they'd give me periodic surprise quizzes just to make up for the ones that I missed, and... what're you doing here, walking out of a fraternity house in the middle of the day?

ANYANKA

I have a new boyfriend now. He lives here.

WILLOW

That's great.

ANYANKA

Yeah, we just had lots and lots of sex.

WILLOW

Okay. This is so great. I am so happy to see you've...

Anyanka nervously brushes a strand of hair behind her ear and Willow notices blood on her hand.

WILLOW

...moved on.

ANYANKA

Yeah, we're tremendously happy together. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for something important.

WILLOW

Okay. See you later.

After Anyanka is gone, Willow heads into the fraternity house to see for herself.

CUT TO:

INT. UC SUNNYDALE-- GAMMA KAPPA TAU HOUSE-- DAY

Willow enters the house through the front door and looks around.

WILLOW

Hello? Is anybod...

She looks down and to find large bloodstains on the floor. The house seems eerily empty. Blood is everywhere: on the walls, doors and floor. She opens the door to an adjacent room and is horrified. A soft whimper comes from down the hall, drawing her attention. It's coming from a closet. Willow opens the door to find RACHEL, hysterical and crying, rocking in fetal position. She is also covered in blood.

RACHEL

I take it back. I take it back. I take it back.

WILLOW

It's okay. You're okay.

RACHEL

I take it back.

WILLOW

What do you take back?

RACHEL

"It's gonna be a party. Everyone's gonna be there. Everyone's bringing a date. I'll have a great time." But it was just me. And them. He broke up with me in front of them. I was a game. It was all a game.

WILLOW

It's okay. You're okay now.

RACHEL

They laughed and they laughed and I cried and they laughed. And I yelled, "Just once, I wish you could all feel what it's like to have your hearts ripped out. Just once. I wish..." (sobs) And it came.

WILLOW

Okay, come on. What came? What did this?

RACHEL

A spider.

WILLOW

Where did it go?

RACHEL

What do you mean?

WILLOW

The spider. Where is it now?

As Willow speaks, a massive 4-foot spider crawls up the wall behind her.

FADE TO BLACK

Act II

INT. UC SUNNYDALE-- GAMMA KAPPA TAU HOUSE-- DAY

Resume. Willow and Rachel as the spider lunges off the wall and attacks Willow. She holds up her hand and instantly creates a spell.

WILLOW

Protect!

A bubble of yellow energy surrounds Willow and Rachel and protects them from the spider's attack. Frightened, Rachel starts crying again. Willow's eyes go jet- black and she turns to Rachel, furious.

WILLOW

For god's sake, shut your whimpering mouth!

The hissing spider tears at the energy field but can't penetrate it. With a wave of her hand, Willow hurls it out the window. With the threat gone, Willow manages to get herself under control and turns back to Rachel, sympathetic.

WILLOW

I'm sorry.
CUT TO:

EXT. SJORNJOST, NORWAY (880)-- VILLAGE CENTER-- DAY

The villagers are fleeing in a panicked mob.

VILLAGER #1

Troll!

VILLAGER #2

It's the largest troll I've ever seen!

VILLAGER #1

Run! Hide your babies and your beadwork!

The troll appears and it's Olaf with a massive hammer. His skin is now green and horns have sprouted from his head. None of the villagers recognize him.

OLAF

Stop! Stop! It is Olaf!

VILLAGER #1

The troll is doing an Olaf impersonation!

OLAF

I am Olaf!

VILLAGER #1

Hit him with fruits and various meats.

OLAF

(shouts)
I am Olaf!

The villagers chase him out of town while Aud calmly watches. Suddenly D'HOFFRYN appears and approaches her.

D'HOFFRYN

Impressive.

AUD

Thank you.

D'HOFFRYN

What is that? A Woodlow Transmogriphic spell?

AUD

Thornton's Hope.

D'HOFFRYN

Thornton's Hope... but how did you get the troll element?

AUD

Eelsbane.

D'HOFFRYN

Eelsbane. Brilliant! What'd he do?

AUD

Bar matron. A load-bearing bar matron.

D'HOFFRYN

Is there any other kind? I'm sorry. How rude of me. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is D'Hoffryn.

AUD

I am Aud.

D'HOFFRYN

Are you? Hmm. I'm afraid you don't see your true self. You are Anyanka. I'm a patron of a family of sorts. We're vengeance demons. I'm sure you've heard of us.

AUD

No, I'm sorry.

D'HOFFRYN

Oh, well, that's quite--

AUD

Oh, no, don't feel bad. I don't talk to people much. I mean, I talk to them but they don't talk to me. Except to say that your questions are irksome and perhaps you should take your furs and your literal interpretations to the other side of the river.
CUT TO:

Later. Olaf has given up trying to convince the villagers and has turned to chasing them around with his hammer.

OLAF

Come here, tiny man. You are small and toy-like.
CUT TO:

Aud and D'Hoffryn strolling and talking amid the chaos.

D'HOFFRYN

I get the sense that your talents are not fully appreciated here, Anyanka. We'd like you to join us.

AUD

Why do you keep calling me that? My name is Aud.

D'HOFFRYN

Perhaps but Anyanka is who you are.

AUD

What would I have to do?

D'HOFFRYN

What you do best. Help wronged women punish evil men.

AUD

Vengeance.

D'HOFFRYN

But only to those who deserve it.

AUD

They all deserve it.

D'HOFFRYN

That's where I was going with that, yeah.
CUT TO:

INT. SUNNYDALE HIGH (PRESENT)-- ADMIN OFFICE-- DAY

Buffy sits at her desk, clearly bored. She balances a pencil holder full of pencils on her forehead. The phone rings and breaks her concentration, causing her to jump and spill the pencils.

BUFFY

(into phone)
Hello. Willow, hey! Is everything... a spider demon? Wh... hold on. Are you all right? Like how? (writes a note) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Wait, okay, go ahead. No, no, it's all good. I'll get Xander to go. But seriously, you just... whoa. Ripped out the heart? My god. Hey, did you get that physics class you wanted?
CUT TO:

INT. ANYANKA'S APARTMENT-- DAY

HALFREK sits with Anyanka on her couch, visiting.

HALFREK

This is just wonderful, Anyanka. There's even talk of having some sort of ceremony. I can't tell you how many times today I've heard, "Anyanka is back to her old self again." (off her look) Honey, what is it? What's wrong?

ANYANKA

It's nothing. I just... there was just so much screaming, so much blood.

Halfrek smiles, imagining it.

ANYANKA

I... I'd forgotten how much damage a Grimslaw demon could do.

HALFREK

Oh, tell me about it. They can be feisty little guys and impossible to housetrain. I mean, once they start nesting, forget... are you okay? Oh, did something happen?

ANYANKA

I guess I'm just a little rusty. I didn't think it would hit me like this.

HALFREK

Oh, sweetie. This is perfectly normal. It's a reflex. You'll get over it in no time, trust me.

ANYANKA

Oh, Hallie! I can't tell you how good it is... thank goodness you're here.

HALFREK

Oh, sweetie. Of course.

ANYANKA

It's just lately, with everything that's been going on, I've had trouble even remembering--

The door slams open and Willow strides into the room.

WILLOW

(to Halfrek)
Get out.

HALFREK

Lemon drop, if you think I'm going to--

WILLOW

(cold)
Get out.

ANYANKA

(to Halfrek)
It's okay.

HALFREK

Well, okay. If you need anything, you holler.

Halfrek snaps her fingers and disappears.

WILLOW

Anya, you have to stop this.

ANYANKA

Do you know what they did to her? Do you? It was a game. They were humiliating her.

WILLOW

Anya, listen to me. You're in trouble. You know it. I'm here to help you.

ANYANKA

(laughs)
You're here to... well, that's great, Willow. Flayed anybody lately, have you? How quickly they forget!

WILLOW

I haven't forgotten one second of it.

ANYANKA

What do you want?

WILLOW

I want to help you.

ANYANKA

They got what they deserved.

WILLOW

No, they--

ANYANKA

I am a vengeance demon! Do you understand that?

WILLOW

No.

ANYANKA

Try! They got what they deserved.
CUT TO:

EXT. SUNNYDALE FOREST-- DAY

Buffy and Xander walk through the woods, looking for the spider demon. Xander carries a sword, Buffy has a battle-axe.

BUFFY

Thanks for side-kicking. I didn't want to trouble Willow. Figure she's got enough to do. First day back and all.

XANDER

Are you kidding? We're doing vent work at the site. Anything's better than breathing freon for eight hours. (beat) So did she say what this thing is?

BUFFY

Some sort of spider demony thingy. She had to go pretty quickly. I think she had to sign up for classes or something.

XANDER

Ah, yes, there is little that can distract the Willow when she's on the hunt for the mighty syllabi.

BUFFY

I don't know. I guess she was a little more nervous than she was letting on.

They suddenly stumble across a boy's body. His heart has been ripped out. Xander starts hyperventilating.

XANDER

How big did she say this thing was?

BUFFY

She didn't. But I can't imagine she'd send us out if it wasn't... the heart is completely ripped out. This is our guy.

XANDER

Or a copycat spider demon. So what's this black stuff?

A dark stringy substance hangs on the nearby tree. Xander touches it, curious.

XANDER

Aw, it's sticky!

BUFFY

Willow said it was a spider demon. Maybe it's its webbing.

XANDER

This isn't springy high-flying fun.

A skittering noise comes from the trees above them. Buffy looks up.

BUFFY

Xander...

XANDER

Is that it?

BUFFY

I can't tell. There is definitely something moving up there.

XANDER

Maybe we can somehow lure it--

A sticky black strand drops down from the tree and lands on Xander's shoulder. He quickly dives to the side.

BUFFY

Xander!

The spider leaps out of the tree, knocks Buffy to the ground, and lands on top of her. She squirms but can't get free. A second mouth extends out and snaps inches from her face. She pushes the creature off her and it scurries away. She quickly grabs her battle-axe and searches the trees for the demon.

BUFFY

(to Xander)
You okay?

XANDER

Buffy, where'd it go? I think we need more swords.

BUFFY

Uh-huh.

XANDER

I say we go home, pick up more swords, and some sort of spidery demon protection amulet. We come back and--

Buffy suddenly whips the battle-axe into the treetop. The spider falls to the ground impaled on the axe.

XANDER

Or...
CUT TO:

INT. SUMMERS HOME-- LIVING ROOM-- DAY

Xander and Buffy arrive home covered in scrapes and gashes.

BUFFY

I'm more concerned with where that thing came from. If there are more of those spider demons running around, we need to know about it. We should hit the research, find out if...

Buffy and Xander enter the living room to find Willow waiting for them.

WILLOW

I know where it came from.
CUT TO:

Later. Willow has told them about Anyanka's vengeance spell.

BUFFY

How many?

WILLOW

Ten, twelve.

XANDER

When were you planning on telling us?

WILLOW

I'm telling you now.

XANDER

Great. Thank you. Willow, it's Anya. How could you let us... how could you not have told us?

BUFFY

Xander...

XANDER

How could you not have told me?

BUFFY

Xander, it's okay. She didn't tell us for a reason. She didn't tell us because she knows what I have to do. (beat) I have to kill Anya.
FADE OUT

Act III

INT. ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA (1905)-- PALACE HALL-- NIGHT

Generals and czarist royalty are slumped over dead on their dinner plates. Anyanka and Halfrek sit at the head of the table chatting merrily and sipping champagne. A battle rages outside the palace.

TITLE CARD:

St. Petersburg, 1905

HALFREK

I swear, I'm in awe of you.

ANYANKA

Oh, stop.

HALFREK

Oh, I will not.

ANYANKA

I grant wishes. It's all inside the girl. I just bring it out.

HALFREK

Yes, I'm sure this is what she had in mind.

ANYANKA

Well, I don't know about her mind but it was in her heart. Besides, Russia was ready to explode. All we did is just give it a little push.

HALFREK

What should we do with the rest of our evening? I hear they're going to raze the Winter Mansion.

ANYANKA

Well, I thought we'd head on down to Madame Dubasov's. No better spot for vengeance than a brothel.

HALFREK

Oh, it's always work, work, work with you.

A man runs through the room on fire and screaming. The girls take no notice.

ANYANKA

Well, of course. What else is there?

HALFREK

What else is there? Why, the whole world, for one. Darling, take a look around. There's a lot to see. There's a revolution going on outside that you are somewhat responsible for. Aren't you the teeniest bit interested?

ANYANKA

Well, what is there to be interested in? The worker will overthrow absolutism and lead the proletariat to a victorious communist revolution, resulting in socio-economic paradise on earth. It's common sense, really. I have better things to worry about.

HALFREK

But Anyanka, there's a whole world out there.

ANYANKA

Yes, filled with wronged women who need my help.

HALFREK

Oh, but you're talking work.

ANYANKA

I'm talking about life. Vengeance is what I do, Halfrek. I don't need anything else. Vengeance is what I am.
CUT TO:

INT. SUMMERS HOME-- LIVING ROOM-- DAY

Xander, Willow and Buffy discuss Anyanka's fate.

BUFFY

She's not the Anya that you knew, Xander. She's a demon.

XANDER

That doesn't mean you have to kill her.

BUFFY

Don't act like this is easy for me. You know it's not.

XANDER

There are other options.

BUFFY

I've considered them.

XANDER

When? Just now? Took you all of ten seconds to decide to kill one of your best friends?

BUFFY

The thought that it might come to this has occurred to me before. It's occurred to you, too.

XANDER

But we can change what she did. Fix it. These are mystical deaths, right? There has to be something.

WILLOW

I don't have anywhere near that kind of power. I didn't have that kind of power when... and I don't think I trust the power I do have.

BUFFY

It's okay. (to Xander) Xander, I know this is hard for you to hear but it's what I have to do.

XANDER

(incredulous)
Hard for me to hear? Buffy, you want to kill Anya!

BUFFY

I don't want to.

XANDER

Then don't! This isn't new ground for us. When our friends go all crazy and start killing people, we help them.

WILLOW

Sitting right here.

XANDER

I'm sorry but it's true.

BUFFY

It's different.

XANDER

Because you don't care about her the same way I do. Buffy, I still love her.

BUFFY

I know. And that's why you can't see this for what it really is. Willow was different. She's a human. Anya's a demon.

XANDER

And you're the Slayer. I see now how it's all very simple.

BUFFY

It is never simple.

XANDER

No, of course not. You know, if there's a mass-murdering demon that you're, oh say, boning, then it's all gray area.

BUFFY

Spike was harmless. He was helping.

XANDER

He had no choice.

BUFFY

And Anya did! She chose to become a demon. Twice.

XANDER

You have no idea what she's going through.

BUFFY

I don't care what she's going through!

XANDER

No, of course not. You think we haven't seen all this before? The part where you just cut us all out. Just step away from everything human and act like you're the law. If you knew what I felt--

BUFFY

(yells)
I killed Angel! Do you even remember that? I would have given up everything I had to be with... I loved him more than I will ever love anything in this life. And I put a sword through his heart because I had to.

WILLOW

And that all worked out okay.

BUFFY

Do you remember cheering me on? Both of you. Do you remember giving me Willow's message: kick his ass.

WILLOW

I never said that...

XANDER

This is different.

BUFFY

It is always different! It's always complicated. And at some point, someone has to draw the line and that is always going to be me. You get down on me for cutting myself off but in the end the Slayer is always cut off. There's no mystical guidebook. No all-knowing council. Human rules don't apply. There's only me. I am the law.

XANDER

There has to be another way.

BUFFY

Then please find it.

Disgusted, Xander takes his coat and leaves. Buffy goes to her chest and takes out a sword. She looks to Willow, silently asking for her help.

WILLOW

I can't. I'm sorry.

Buffy nods and leaves, sword in hand.

CUT TO:

INT. SUMMERS HOME-- WILLOW'S ROOM-- DAY

Willow goes to her desk and searches frantically through the drawers. Finally, she finds what she's looking for. An amulet.

CUT TO:

INT. SUMMERS HOME-- BATHROOM-- DAY

Willow pours sand on the floor in a circle while chanting in Latin and holding the amulet.

WILLOW

Beatum sit in nomine D'Hoffrynis. Fiat hoc spatium porta ad mundum Arashmaharus.

A bright flash of light, then D'Hoffryn appears, facing away from Willow.

D'HOFFRYN

Behold, D'Hoffryn. Lord of Arashmahar. He that turns the air to blood and rains... (sees Willow) Miss Rosenberg. How lovely to see you again. Have you done something with your hair?

WILLOW

Hello, D'Hoffryn.

D'HOFFRYN

I figured I'd be hearing from you soon. The flaying of Warren Mears? Oh, truly inspired. That was water cooler vengeance. Lloyd has a sketch of it on his wall.

WILLOW

That's not me anymore.

D'HOFFRYN

Is that right? So I didn't feel your presence earlier today? I didn't feel a bit of the old you?

WILLOW

We need to talk about Anya.

D'Hoffryn's mood darkens.

D'HOFFRYN

Very well. Let's talk about Anyanka.
CUT TO:

INT. UC SUNNYDALE-- GAMMA KAPPA TAU HOUSE-- NIGHT

Anyanka runs her hand along the blood-spattered wall as the front door opens and Xander enters.

XANDER

I thought I might find you here. Have you forced yourself to look at the bodies yet?

ANYANKA

What do you want?

XANDER

I want to help you.

ANYANKA

Everyone is so considerate today. I should've slaughtered people weeks ago.

XANDER

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything I did to you. Everything I put you through.

ANYANKA

Thank you. All better. Thank goodness you got here in time.

XANDER

You don't understand. This isn't an intervention. Buffy's coming to kill you.

ANYANKA

She's coming to try.

XANDER

Did everybody have their crazy flakes today? You guys are friends. How could you talk like this?

ANYANKA

I have a job to do. And so does Buffy. Xander, you've always seen what you wanted to but you knew, sooner or later, it would come to this.

Buffy enters and Xander faces her down.

XANDER

Buffy, get out of here.

BUFFY

Get out of my way, Xander.

XANDER

No.

Anyanka's features shift and the true demon inside rises to the surface.

ANYANKA

Get out of her way, Xander.

Anyanka backhands Xander and he tumbles across the room and lands in a heap. Buffy lunges at her with the sword but Anyanka pushes her away. They talk as they fight.

ANYANKA

This is getting to be a pattern with you, Buffy. Are there any friends of yours left you haven't tried to kill? C'mon, Buffy. Don't you have a clever retort for me?

Anyanka appears to be more than a match for Buffy, her strength and reflexes at least as good as the Slayer's.

BUFFY

Anya, I'm sorry.

ANYANKA

You're apologizing to me? What fight are you watching? Or is this like one of your little pop-culture references I don't get because I'm a vengeance--

Anyanka lunges at Buffy who ducks and slams her against the wall, then runs her through with the sword all in one fluid motion. Anyanka gasps as her eyes go wide with shock.

FADE OUT

Act IV

INT. XANDER'S APARTMENT (2001)-- BEDROOM-- NIGHT

Xander sleeps soundly in a recliner while Anya reads on the couch. Xander mumbles in his sleep.

XANDER

I just want... happy... ending.

ANYA

Honey? Honey?

XANDER

What? I'm awake. I'm okay.

ANYA

Honey? Was that weird? That thing earlier with the singing... and the coconuts.

XANDER

What? No, it's fine.

Anya goes to the open balcony door. She can hear the neighbors singing.

MAN

WOMAN

()

()

Oh, no! Mustard on my shirt!

Mustard, I'll never get it out!

My favorite dress shirt!

Dry clean it!

How could you serve...

MAN & WOMAN

()

Mustard!

Anya shuts the balcony door and looks down at the sleeping Xander.

ANYA

Are you still hungry? Because I'd be...

()

Mr. Xander Harris. That's what he is to the world outside. That's the name he carries with pride. I'm just lately Anya. Not very much to the world, I know. All these years with nothing to show.

I've boned a troll, I've wreaked some wrath, But on the whole, I've had no path. I like to bowl, I'm good with math. But who am I? Now I reply that.

I'm the Missus. I will be his Missus. Mrs. Anya Christina Emanuella Jenkins Harris.

What's the point of loving... (I mean except for the sweaty part.) What's the point of losing your heart? Maybe if you're lucky Being a pair makes you twice as tall. Maybe you're not losing at all.

No need to cover up my heart, Plus see above, re: sweaty part. So maybe love is pretty smart And so am I I found my guy!

And I'll be Missus. I will be his Missus. Mrs. Anya Lame-Ass-Made-Up-Maiden-Name Harris.

We'll never part, Not if we can. And if we start Then here's my plan. I'll show him what bliss is, Welcome him with kisses 'Cause this is a Missus who misses her man.

He's my Xander and he's awfully swell. It makes financial sense as well. Although he can b-- I'll never tell. Just stand aside Here comes the bride.

I'll be Missus. I will be his Missus. I will be--

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. UC SUNNYDALE-- GAMMA KAPPA TAU (PRESENT)-- NIGHT

Anyanka slumps limply over Buffy's sword, her face back to its human form. Xander regains consciousness and his eyes go wide in shock when he sees her.

XANDER

Anya!

Anyanka suddenly gasps and opens her eyes. She looks down at the sword in her chest.

ANYANKA

Forgotten how much swords through the chest hurt.

She yanks it out with a painful scream.

ANYANKA

You know better than that, Buffy. It takes a lot more to kill a vengeance demon.

BUFFY

Oh, I'm just getting started.

Anyanka comes at Buffy with the sword. Buffy throws a stool at her, knocking her off balance. She falls to the floor and drops the sword. Buffy scoops it up and quickly straddles Anyanka, raising the blade high over her head only to be pushed over by Xander.

ANYANKA

Stop trying to save me, Xander!

Suddenly the room fills with a massive electrical discharge and all three of them are knocked flat. The smoke clears to reveal D'Hoffryn.

D'HOFFRYN

Oh, please, don't mind me. Continue with whatever it was you were doing. (sees dead bodies) Oh, breathtaking. It's like somebody slaughtered an Abercrombie and Fitch catalog.

Buffy stands and hefts her sword.

D'HOFFRYN

Easy now. I'd be gone before you could swing. (to Anyanka) Isn't that just like a Slayer? Solving all her problems by sticking things with sharp objects. (to Buffy) I talked to your friend, Miss Rosenberg. She's a firebrand. I have high hopes for her.

XANDER

Stay away from Willow.

D'HOFFRYN

(to Anyanka)
Oh, he's gallant, isn't he? I understand what you saw in him. (to all) Look, Miss Rosenberg seems to think Anyanka would be better suited outside the vengeance fold. I think we already know what Lady Hacksaway wants. And the young man, he sees with the eyeballs of love. But I'm not sure if anyone's bothered to find out what Anyanka herself really wants.

XANDER

Her name is Anya.

D'HOFFRYN

Actually, funny historical side-bar, her original name was--

ANYANKA

I want to take it back.

D'HOFFRYN

I'm sorry. What was that?

ANYANKA

I want to take it back. I want to undo what I did.

D'HOFFRYN

Hmm. You want to take it back. Must be twelve bodies in there. Such a thing... not easily done. But not impossible. You're a big girl, Anyanka. You understand how this works. The proverbial scales must balance. In order to restore the lives of the victims, the fates require a sacrifice. The life and soul of a vengeance demon.

ANYANKA

Do it.

XANDER

Wait!

ANYANKA

Stay out of this, Xander.

XANDER

Okay, all right. That seems smart. He just said you have to die! Perhaps there's some sort of alternate price.

ANYANKA

Xander, you can't help me. I'm not even sure there's a me to help. (to D'Hoffryn) I understand the price. Do it.

D'HOFFRYN

You're sure? This is your wish?

ANYANKA

This is my wish. Undo what I did.

D'HOFFRYN

Very well.

XANDER

No!

D'Hoffryn waves his hands and with a flash of light, Halfrek appears. She smiles happily when she sees Anyanka.

HALFREK

Anya!

Anyanka looks at D'Hoffryn, realizing what's about to happen.

ANYANKA

Hallie!

Halfrek bursts into flames and fire pours from her eyes and mouth. She shrieks in agony and dies, her body disintegrates into nothing.

Tears stream down Anya's face.

D'HOFFRYN

(cold)
Who did you think you were dealing with? Did you think it would be that easy to get away?

ANYA

Why?

D'HOFFRYN

Why? Because you wished it!

ANYA

But she was yours.

D'HOFFRYN

Like you were mine? Haven't I taught you anything, Anya? Never go for the kill when you can go for the pain.

Xander starts for D'Hoffryn but Buffy stops him.

D'HOFFRYN

Hold him back, Slayer. Wouldn't want anyone to get hurt. I've got plenty of girls. There will always be vengeance demons. But now you, Anya, you're out. Congratulations. Your wish is granted.

ANYA

You should have killed me.

D'HOFFRYN

Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. "From beneath you, it devours." Be patient. All good things in time.

In a flash, D'Hoffryn disappears. Anya stares at Xander and Buffy for a moment, then walks out.

BUFFY

(to Xander)
Go. I'll check on the boys.
CUT TO:

EXT. UC SUNNYDALE-- GAMMA KAPPA TAU HOUSE-- NIGHT

Xander runs after Anya outside the fraternity house.

XANDER

Anya, wait.

ANYA

Xander, please. Just go away.

XANDER

Whatever's between us... it doesn't matter. You shouldn't be alone in this.

ANYA

Yes, I should. My whole life, I've just clung to whatever came along.

XANDER

Well, speaking as a clingee... I kinda didn't mind.

ANYA

Thanks. For everything.

Xander nods.

ANYA

Xander... what if I'm really nobody?

XANDER

Don't be a dope.

ANYA

I'm a dope?

XANDER

Sometimes.

ANYA

That's a start.

Anya turns and walks off into the night.

FADE TO BLACK
END