[Transcript of "Buffy The Vampire Slayer" episode Him at buffyology.com.]
XANDER gives a tour of his apartment to SPIKE, clearly not happy with BUFFY's solution to the problem of where Spike will stay. DAWN tags along, amused.
You're going to live in that small room over there. I know it looks like a closet but it's a room now. You're not going to touch my food. I take the first shower in the morning and if I use up all the hot water, that's your tough noogies. (to Buffy) And I hate this plan. (to Spike) Are you keeping up or do you need some kind of English-to-Constant-Pain-in-My-Ass translation?
Invitation?
Is there something more emphatic than hate? Can I revile the plan? Fine. (to Spike) I invite you in. Nimrod.
Spike enters, just as unhappy to be here as Xander is to have him.
Don't want your soddin' food anyway.
I just don't understand when his problems became your problems-- more specifically mine.
The school basement is making him crazy. We can't just leave him there.
Why not? Crazy Basement Guy is better than Stalking Buffy Guy.
Spike looks away, ashamed.
It's true. You guys aren't... you're not starting up again with the whole--
No! A thousand gallons of no, okay. It's just... things are different now. He has a soul.
I'm sure that'll be a real comfort when he soulfully attacks you again.
Yeah, what does that mean exactly? That Spike is all soul-having?
I don't know but he's been through a lot, okay, and nobody's attacking--
Spike approaches and touches Buffy's arm. She jumps.
Buffy... sorry.
No, it's me. I just--
I'll go. This can't work.
It will. It already is. Okay, you've been out of the basement for half an hour and you've already stopped talking to invisible people.
Bollocks.
Okay, so there was that one episode in the car but--
No, bollocks to the whole thing. I don't need your mollycoddling.
It's not coddling. Now go to your closet.
She waves to Xander and heads out with Dawn.
The football team practices while Buffy and Dawn watch them and talk in the stands. It's a beautiful Southern California day.
So what is it?
What's what?
Last night. You said you weren't helping Spike out of pity. What is it?
It's a good question.
Is sitting there drinking soda some kind of a Zen non-answer?
No, I just... I don't know what I'm feeling. I think I can't stand him but sometimes...
You love him?
No. I feel for him.
Feel what, exactly?
Dawn...
No, I'm just trying to understand. I mean, none of it makes sense. First you say Spike disgusts you but secretly you two are doing it like bunnies. And then Spike says he'd die for you but he tries to rape you.
For the record, Spike knew how wrong it was. That's why he went away.
But to get a soul? Like that would make him a better man? Xander had a soul when he stood Anya up at the altar. And now he says he still wants her? I just don't think it's the school basement that's making people crazy.
Buffy gathers her things.
I should really get back. You coming with?
I just don't see why people bother. I mean, you put all this energy into chasing and having and brooding and-- I just don't understand these relationships where you all do insane things.
Bye, rant girl.
Buffy walks off, leaving Dawn to herself. She looks up out at the football field while she talks to Buffy's receding back.
Well, you could like paint a beautiful mural on every ugly wall in the world and then you could paint a beautiful mural on every ugly mural in the wor--
Dawn's breath catches when she sees the quarterback-- RJ BROOKS, a tall, slender, athletic good-looking teenager-- putting on his letterman jacket. She is utterly mesmerized as he drinks from a squirt bottle, then douses his face with water and walks off.
She watches him so intently, she leans over too far and falls off the bleachers with a yelp.
Opening credit sequence.
Buffy swings her battleaxe at a demon rampaging through Anya's apartment. The place is a shambles. ANYA crawls across the floor, trying to avoid being pummeled.
Maybe I'm not even the right Anyanka. Ever think about that? There's tons of Anyanka's out there. Maybe one of them pissed off this-- what did you say his name was? D'Hoffryneffer?
Buffy finally dispatches the demon by hurling her axe into its chest.
Good thing I stopped by and heard screaming. (helps Anya up) So I guess D'Hoffryn decided to take you out after all?
Anya goes to the fridge and fixes herself an icepack for her injured leg.
Yeah. He's not head of vengeance for nothing. Well, thank you for the generous life-saving. Now please go away. (off her look) Look, I don't need anyone's help. Or, okay, clearly I do but I don't want to need anyone's help, so stop helping.
I get it. After last week, you feel you need to be all renegade and broody. Taking yourself out of the loop--
I need to figure out who I am.
Something bad is happening. I don't want my friends out there alone right now, okay?
Well, I guess you guys could use my help. Willow's not very good with the practical strategizing-- except when she's evil. And Dawn, she's not really good for anything.
Dawn paces back and forth in front of the stairwell, psyching herself up. Around the corner, RJ Brooks talks with his friends: O'DONNELL, another football player and two cheerleaders, LORI and CHERYL. Cheryl stands awkwardly, balanced on crutches.
You guys, I've been thinking about it and I think I can still cheer. I mean, I could use a chair or we all could, like the Laker Girls.
Oh, honey, you need to concentrate on getting better. Don't worry. We'll find a replacement for you tomorrow.
I just feel like I let you down.
Dawn approaches and tries to act as cool as possible.
Hey, RJ.
Oh, Dawn.
Hey, Summers.
Um, so I was wondering. You had Mr. Gurin for English back at your old school, right?
We all did.
I have him this year. (long beat) What a drag.
I actually kinda liked him.
Right! Right. No, I like him. It's just, you know, I meant drag in a good, fun way.
So are the tryouts tomorrow? You're going to make the new girls jump up and down a lot, right?
God, gross! A vending machine fell on Cheryl and all you can think about is new cheerleaders?
Dawn persists.
Hey, so you know, I heard someone saying yesterday that we're going to go all the way to the championships this year. In football.
Yeah, we actually have a good shot, considering we're a new team.
Yeah, well if you can get us past Highland, we've got a good shot.
Oh, like you could do better.
We'll see.
Wait, you actually think Coach would start you at quarterback over me?
I'm just saying...
The quarterback is like the most important member of the team. He is like the rudder that guides the ship.
Right. (to Cheryl) Could I give you a hand with that?
He points to her book bag.
Would you really?
She smiles and hands it to RJ.
It's okay, she can do it herself.
Hey, we're all on the same team, all right?
They all walk off as group leaving Dawn standing by herself.
Yeah, you're all on the team. (calls out) We'll talk later, guys. That's cool.
Dawn sorts through boxes stored in the basement. Finally, she finds what she's looking for.
Cheerleader tryouts. A dozen or so girls are trying out, all dressed in workout clothes, except Dawn, who is dressed in Buffy's old cheerleading uniform.
Gooooo Razorbacks!
She somersaults and stands up smiling.
Okay. Awesome. Thank you. Up next, we have... Dawn Summers. (beat) Nice outfit.
Dawn does her best but she's awkward, nervous and uncoordinated. She shows none of the self-confidence she has recently gained fighting alongside her sister.
Razorbacks, razorbacks, we're gonna play. We got a secret weapon and his name is RJ. Hear us cheer, hear us yell, listen what we say. Razorbacks, razorbacks, go RJ!
She tries to cartwheel but falls on her ass. RJ looks away, embarrassed for her.
Okay. Thank you. Very... spirited.
Buffy's standing at the bathroom door. Dawn has locked herself inside and is sobbing uncontrollably.
Come on, Dawnie. Come out. Dawn, sweetheart, it's not that bad.
The door opens and her tear-streaked face pokes out.
How would you even know? RJ's never going to notice me now.
From what you said, I'm sure he already noticed you. I mean, with the falling and the--
Dawn moans and slams the door again.
Spirit! Spirit. They said you were spirited, right?
Go away!
Dawn...
Xander walks upstairs to find Buffy standing outside the door.
Things are a lot better, I see.
I don't think tonight's going to be good for videos, Xand.
Right. With the wailing and the crying... still better than a cozy evening with Spike. Shall I order a pizza? Don't teens in a snit like pizza?
Dawn opens the door, furious.
It is not a snit! I finally met him. The guy of my dreams, okay, and I blew it. RJ hates me now.
Buffy notices her cheerleading outfit shredded on the bathroom floor.
Dawn, what is that?
Just the end of my life.
She storms off to her room as Buffy collects her outfit.
Remember when she used to have a crush on me? I miss the much cuter "me" crush.
Dawn lies on her bed, listening to music. Buffy comes into her room, carrying her shredded cheerleading outfit.
You shredded my outfit.
I'll buy you a new one.
That's not the point. I don't want a new cheerleading outfit.
Now, now, let's not be hasty. (off her look) Not the right time.
Buffy hands ruined outfit to Xander and sits on bed beside Dawn.
Dawn, I'm sorry that you feel so bad, okay, but in the morning this won't seem so terrible. You don't even know this RJ. Not really.
I do know him. I know his soul.
Really? Dawn, he wasn't even on your radar yesterday.
It's the jacket. It's true. Something about the big letter on the chest makes girls get all swoony and crushy. I saw it all the time in school. And you couldn't just pin any old felt letter to your coat and get play. (beat) Not that I tried.
It isn't a crush. It's love. I love RJ.
Again, since yesterday. Dawn, it's awfully fast.
What? You're telling me I don't feel what I feel?
No, of course not. I believe that you think it's real. It seems real... to you.
You know what? Maybe I don't want advice from the Dysfunction Queen. You have no idea how I feel. You have no idea what real love is. Maybe if you did, you wouldn't make fun of me this way.
Dawn, I'm not making fun of you.
Just go. Leave me alone.
She turns away from her sister and ignores her.
The bell rings and Dawn walks along the corridor. She comes passes RJ and eavesdrops on his conversation with O'Donnell.
I talked with the coach.
Yeah? I told you, man. All those fumbles in practice-- he was going to come down on you.
I'm starting on Saturday.
Great. Who knew fumbling all the time was the key?
It's just time to let someone else have a turn, man. And you knew this was coming.
Yeah. Sure.
O'Donnell heads off down the hall with a smile on his face. Dawn follows him.
You can't do this to RJ.
Oh, hey, it's you. Nice cheering the other day.
It isn't fair. He works so hard.
What do you care? I mean, this is how the game is played. It's dog eat dog, may the best man win.
But nobody's better than RJ.
Yeah, well, that's not really up to you, is it?
Dawn suddenly pushes him down the stairs and watches him tumble to the bottom.
Dawn sits across the desk from PRINCIPAL WOOD. Buffy stands nearby. Both stare intently at Dawn.
It all happened so fast. I mean, one minute he was walking and the next he stumbled and then he fell.
Why would he say you pushed him down the stairs?
I don't know. Maybe he was just embarrassed. It's hard being clumsy, especially when you're popular and athletic. I'd bet.
Yeah, well, to be candid, it wouldn't be the first time I caught O'Donnell in a lie.
It'd be nice if his lies didn't involve my sister, though.
Anyway, I'm going to have to call Coach Wheeler and tell him the bad news. Not a conversation I really want to have.
At least you've still got RJ to take over.
This gets Buffy's attention. She silently appraises Dawn's behavior.
Yeah. Well, I think we have everything we need for now. I'm sorry you had to get involved in this, Dawn.
That's okay. I'm just really sorry it happened.
RJ catches up to Dawn as she walks down the hall.
Summers! Hey.
Hi.
I heard Wood hauled you into his office.
Well, yeah.
About O'Donnell?
Yes.
That sucks, facing the whole inquisition thing.
Yeah. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition. (beat) God, it's like I have a disease or something. It was really no big deal.
No. It was. I think it's cool that you faced him. Wood.
We just talked. He just wanted me to tell him about... the accident.
Yeah. It sucks when these things just happen... out of nowhere.
Right. Out of nowhere.
You know, I was thinking of heading out tonight, after practice. You want to meet up?
Uh-huh.
A live band plays for a crowd of dancers. Buffy, Xander and Willow sit at a table together, talking.
Well, Spike definitely seems a little more cogent, less nuts. I'm just saying... once you get back the soul, doesn't that mean you start like picking up your own wet towels off the floor?
No, but maybe you start to feel really bad about leaving them there.
At least he's showering and that's a refreshing and delightful change.
Xander points to the dance floor where RJ is dancing.
Buff.
I think that's the guy.
What guy?
The one who, according to Dawn, is the quote smartest, funniest, coolest, hottest and having the thickest boy eyelashes boy in school unquote.
He don't seem so tough.
Check out the fan club.
A girl dances with RJ, her back to them. Long brown hair, slim, wearing tight hip- hugger blue jeans and a tight, sheer blouse off one shoulder with a bare midriff. She's dancing in a very sexually suggestive manner, grinding her hips and running her hands through her hair.
Daddy like!
What is that shirt made of? Paint?
Willow suddenly realizes something and her eyes go wide.
Buff--
I'm glad Dawnie isn't here to see her precious boyfriend getting all thrusty with some slut-bag hussy--
RJ's dancing partner turns around and Buffy stares, slack-jawed with disbelief. It's Dawn.
Oh...
Oh. Oh, no! Daddy... no, I wasn't-- when I was looking, I wasn't... oh, god!
Right there with ya.
Later. Dawn heads for the bar but Buffy intercepts her.
So do you have plans later or are you just going to go down to the docks and wait for the fleet to come in?
What?
Where do I start with the bad? First, you told me you were going to the library. Second, you do not go out on a date without informing me first. Third, Anna Nicole Smith thinks you look tacky.
Yeah, well I think I look hot and so does RJ.
Oh, I bet he does. Maybe I should go have a little word with him.
No! Don't you dare embarrass me in front of him.
I don't like this. This boy has you acting crazy.
It's my life. I'll do what I want to.
I don't think so.
Oh. So what? Suddenly you're Mom now?
No, I'm not. And I am glad she's not here to see you like this. (beat) Look, I'm sorry. I just--
You just can't handle it.
What?
You've always been the special one. Hot little Buffy with her boyfriends. The Slayer. And now someone likes me and you just can't stand that I'm getting the attention.
That is the farthest thing from true.
No, it's not. And I'm sorry but I like the way RJ makes me feel and if you think that makes me a slut or whatever, I don't care.
She starts to walk off and Buffy blocks her.
Oh, no, no,. You are not going back out on that dance floor.
Dawn grabs her coat and storms off.
Dawn walks along, still fuming from her exchange with Buffy. She hears a noise in the shadows and slows down.
RJ?
Lori steps out of the darkness.
I know what you're doing, slut. I saw you. I saw you with RJ!
So? We were just dancing.
Right. You think I'm stupid? You're going to back off. Now.
You know what's sad? A girl who can't move on when she's been dumped.
He didn't dump me!
Lori grabs Dawn and they both fall to the ground, punching and kicking. Buffy soon arrives and breaks them apart.
Okay, first with the lap dance, now with the cat fight. Hey, you want to get drunk and barf next?
Let go of me. (to Lori) This isn't finished.
I'll never let you have him, bitch.
She kicks Buffy in the shin, then runs off.
RJ is mine. I mean it! Stay away from him!
Well, at least someone agrees you shouldn't be dating this guy.
Principal Wood talks with RJ outside his office. Buffy eavesdrops on the conversation from her desk.
How about if you try doing your own homework for a change? No more getting these young impressionable women to do it for you. Avoid detention, RJ. Sound good?
Whatever.
Oh, sweet infectious enthusiasm.
He goes back into his office and RJ heads for the hall. Buffy stops him.
Whoa. Hang on there, slappy. I'm not done with you yet.
Oh, man. Like it's not bad enough I got that guy riding my back all the time. Now I gotta deal with you, too?
Actually, I'm a bit more formidable than Mr. Wood. You might come to look fondly on his back-riding.
Yeah, but come on--
Sit.
Hey, I told him I was sorry about the homework.
Not the homework, Mr. Wizard. The girls. What you're doing to them. In specific, my sister.
Hey, I didn't do anything to your sister. And you saw how hot she looked last night. I think that proved that she--
No more with the talky! Look, I know how guys like you work. You turn on the charm, you get whatever you want, no matter who gets in your way, right?
Okay, look, it's not like that. (puts on his jacket) I just get along really well with girls.
Oh, I see how you get along. "Oh, look at me. I'm Mr. Quarterback. I crush little girls and all their little feelings. All I have to do is... (notices RJ in his jacket) ...lead a team of high
school athletes trying their best to do a good job. Everyone depending on me." That is a lot of pressure. But it doesn't mean you get to disregard other people's feelings.
It's not like I meant to hurt anyone.
I know. I know that. It's just... you're a leader, a captain, okay? People look up to you. You need to keep that in mind when you--
She looks him up and down, checking out his body.
I bet you run a lot, huh? I mean, they work you pretty hard, don't they?
Yeah, I guess so.
I get that. I do. I'm there. Or at least I was there when I was still in high school. Which I was just a couple of years ago, really. (blushes) You know, I just realized that I'm basically the same age as you. I'm not really older at all, actually. Just like you but with the sexual experience and stuff.
I think I hear what you're saying.
A colleague enters the office and Buffy stands and clears her throat, becoming more professional.
Right. I'm really glad that we had this talk so I think you'd better to get back to class.
Okay. Thanks.
Buffy watches RJ leave the office, grinning like a lovesick fool.
Dawn quietly walks in the front door but Buffy is waiting for her on the couch.
Dawn. You want to come talk to me?
Ambush.
I wanted to tell you that I talked to RJ today. He's okay. I think he likes you.
Really? Tell me what he said about me-- every word-- including intonation and facial expressions.
Well, he thinks you're funny and pretty and interesting. Didn't have a thing to say against you.
She looks away.
Yes, he did. I can tell.
The tiniest thing. He might have said that you came on a little strong.
Oh, my god! I'm the pushy queen of Slut Town.
No, honey, not at all. It's just, you know, lay back a little. Let him come to you.
I'm just scared that while I'm laying back, some other girl's going to come and sweep him up.
But we have inside info. We know he doesn't like being swept. He likes to be the sweeper. Dawn, you're going to come out the winner here with me looking out for you.
Yeah, I guess so. Thank you.
RJ listens to the teacher's algebra lecture.
So we do know that 6x + y = 16, so we can solve for y in terms of iso--
Buffy bounces into the room, wearing a black satin shirt and a short skirt.
Sorry to interrupt but we need to see RJ Brooks down in the Guidance Office.
RJ looks around while Buffy closes the door behind them.
There's no one here.
Yeah, there is. There's one of you and there's one of me. You were the one in math class. Tell me what that adds up to.
Dawn heads down the hallway and slows as she passes RJ's math class.
I'm not coming on too strong if I just look at him.
She peeks in the window and frowns when she sees his desk is empty.
I've always been fascinated by football. So what's it like to lead a team?
The thing of it is, the time. Nobody gets how much time goes into it, with practices and games.
I totally get it. I was kinda juggling some stuff when I was in high school, too. Which was also very recent. Principal Snyder was always on me.
I still say Wood's the worst. You haven't seen the way that guy rides me. I wish somebody would get him off my back.
Yeah, that would be cool.
And sometimes, I didn't even do anything wrong--
Buffy grabs him by the collar and kisses him passionately. He goes with it for a moment, then pulls away.
You're like a teacher.
Not really. But, I mean, does it bother you?
Not so much.
He kisses her again then pushes her back on the desks.
Dawn looks everywhere for RJ but can't find him. She walks the halls, peering into each classrooms until she comes to the one occupied by Buffy and RJ.
She stares in shock for a moment, then runs for the exit.
Dawn runs out of the building and sits down, crying. After a moment, she looks up to find Xander looking down at her, concerned. He sits beside her.
Dawn? What's wrong? Is this... did that guy in the jacket--
Uh! I don't even want to hear his name anymore!
I just called him "that guy in the jacket".
That's what I used to call him in my head before I knew his real name!
Dawnie, honey, you seem extremely perturbed. Maybe I should go get Buffy--
No! I don't ever want to see her again.
I thought this was about that guy in the-- that guy with the thing.
No, it's about both of them.
The door slams open and Xander enters.
Buffy, I think Dawn needs y-- ahh!
He finds Buffy on top of RJ, straddling him and grinding herself against him. Her blouse is pulled half off, her shoulders bare.
Xander, hi. This is RJ.
Hey, guy. It's called knocking.
I'm sorry. It's just checkout time was an hour ago. We were hoping to make up the bed. Also, it's a classroom, you chowderhead! (to Buffy) Now get off the boy, Buffy. We're going home.
Dawn sits on the couch, crying, while Buffy tries to comfort her.
Dawn, please stop crying. Please? Crying isn't going to make his love for me go away, you know.
Xander, Anya and Willow stare at Buffy and Dawn.
Listen, you're under a love spell. That's what this has to be.
You're right. (to Dawn) He's right. You're under a spell. Oh, poor little Dawnie.
But we're working on it. It'll be better soon.
Yes. Soon neither one of you will be in love with this boy.
He's not a boy.
What do you know about our love? It's true and real. This isn't magick. This is my heart.
Fine.
We'll be working.
Look, I know this feels terrible but it isn't real. Try to hold onto that.
Did you hear that? It isn't real. You're just crazy.
It is so real! I love him. You knew how I felt-- like I finally found something-- and you betrayed me.
I betrayed you? You're the one that constructed this elaborate fantasy about you and my lover.
Your lover? You're lover!
Guys, guys...
I tried to get you to back away.
That's right! You lied to me!
Did you want me to tell you that he's in love with me? That your little crush is hopeless?
It's not a crush! Stop. You're not supposed to do this.
Why? Because he's younger than me? You know, I'm extremely youthful and peppy.
No, because you were the one I trusted.
She runs up to her room and slams door.
Dawn, wait!
Xander, Anya and Willow sit around the table researching.
Crazy little lust puppies, aren't they?
Well, at least the yelling went away. It was starting to sound like Christmas morning with my family.
Love spells. People forget how dangerous they can be.
Hey, been there.
Xander flashes back several years when every woman in Sunnydale was violently in love with him. He smiles wistfully.
Good times.
Here. Something.
Buffy wanders into the room.
She's locked her door. That spell has her good and loopy.
Info on one RJ Brooks.
Oh, let me see. Is there a picture?
Family stuff. Hey, I knew his brother. He was a big jock at Sunnydale High, too. Couple years ahead of us. He used to stick chewing gum in my hair.
What're you thinking?
Well, I think my relationship with RJ's brother was complex at best but... maybe he's a way in.
Now look for a picture.
Xander Spike approach the Brooks house.
I'm just saying, we're tangling with a powerful spell here. We don't know what the deal is so keep an eye out if this guy looks twitchy. And don't let this guy charm you, either. He had everyone around him practically kissing his ring back in high school.
He rings the doorbell. LANCE BROOKS answers. He's dumpy, unkempt and wearing a pizza delivery uniform.
Yeah?
Lance slouches in a La-Z-Boy recliner. Xander and Spike sit across from him on the couch.
Construction, huh? That's awesome.
Yeah.
So what's up with RJ? How's he doing at the old alpha mater?
Good. It's just... I know a girl that might be going out with him and I was wondering--
God, and you want to know if he's a good guy. Truth is, he's the best. Following in my footsteps. You might not know it now, looking at me with a couple of extra pounds, but back then, I was quite the guy.
Spike stands and looks over a curio cabinet full of angel statuettes.
Yeah, I gather that RJ is pretty popular, too.
I gotta tell ya. There was a time I was worried about RJ. He was into comic books, Model UN, geek stuff. No offense, Harris.
Spike turns the angels around so they face the wall.
One time, I found all this poetry under his bed. Turns out, he wrote it. Then he... what do you call it? Blossomed. That's what it was like.
And do you have any idea why he, you know, burst into a flower all of a sudd--
You're wearing your brother's jacket. Here, in this picture.
Oh, no, dude. He's wearing mine. That jacket was with me all the way through high school. Gave it to him when I graduated, right before I started over at the Pizza Barn. I'm in the management program.
So Lance, where did you get the jacket?
Oh, dad gave it to me. Made a big deal about it, too. How he met mom wearing that jacket. She was a former Miss Arkansas. Very hot in her day.
Xander abruptly stands up.
Wow, that's wonderful. Boy, it's getting late.
Hey, you guys don't have to take off if you don't want to. I got sort of a rumpus room set up in the basement. There's air hockey and a mini-fridge. We could party.
Lance? Do you have guests down there? There's little boxes or raisins if you want snacks.
We really gotta go.
Willow and Anya are still at the research.
Damn love spell. I have tried every anti-love spell spell I could find.
Even if you find the right one, the guy would probably just do an anti-anti-love spell spell... spell.
What? (doorbell rings) I'll get it. Maybe it's Xander with some answers from the brother.
Willow opens the door to find RJ in his letterman jacket.
Oh, you have to be--
I was looking for Buffy. Ms. Summers.
Buffy's not here. Go away!
Are you sure?
Anya stands behind Willow.
No Buffy for you. Leave quickly now.
Uh-huh. Okay. Tell her to call me.
Man...
Good thing Buffy and Dawn are upstairs. If they knew he was here...
Anya and Willow suddenly stare at RJ intently as he walks away, mesmerized by the sight of him.
Later. Willow and Anya fight over RJ.
But you don't even know him!
Yes, I do. I looked into him and saw his soul.
He was walking away, so unless his soul was in his ass...
AJ is my best friend and my dearest darling.
It's RJ and what you were picking up on was his deep caring and devotion to me.
Buffy and Dawn come downstairs to find Willow and Anya arguing.
What's going on?
Willow thinks she's in love with my boyfriend, RJ.
What? No! You two can't do this.
Willow, you're a gay woman and... he isn't.
This isn't about his physical presence. It's about his heart.
His physical presence has a penis!
I can work around it!
This isn't fair! How can you all be doing this to me?
Okay, wait. Everyone wait. Just calm down, okay? I think I know what this is. Clearly, you've both been affected by the same love spell that got Dawn.
Willow and Anya roll their eyes.
This isn't a spell. He owns my heart.
Dawn, be quiet. We're trying to work this out. We don't need you interfering.
There's a simple answer to this. Just think about who loves him the most. Clearly I do, since I'm willing to look past the whole orientation thing.
I need him.
Well, you're going to have to do better than that. I'd kill for him.
You'd kill for a chocolate bar.
No. Yes! Kill for him. I'm the Slayer. Slayer means kill. Oh! I'll kill the principal.
Oh, that is hard to top.
Yeah, well I have skills. I can prove my love with magick.
Yeah, right. What're you going to do? Use magick to make him into a girl? (off her look) Damn!
Willow runs upstairs, Anya goes out the front door, Buffy heads for the living room and Dawn slumps against the wall.
Oh, I know what he'll like.
Sorry, Dawnie. You're never going to get him.
No. Never.
Willow sits on the floor, lighting candles, preparing a spell.
Buffy careens into the parking lot in her SUV and parks. She opens the rear and takes out a LAWS rocket launcher.
Anya, dressed in black, and carrying a sack, pulls a ski mask down over her face.
Dawn walks along the tracks, then stops and lies down across them and waits.
As Willow recites her spell, the crystals in the bowl in front of her glow, rise up and swirl around her head.
Oh, Hecate, I call on you. I humbly ask your will be done. Hear my request, a simple change, create a daughter from a s--
Xander clamps his hand over her mouth, interrupting the spell. The crystals go dim and drop to the floor. Willow looks up at Xander and Spike standing in the doorway.
Oh, man! Now I've gotta start all over. Hecate hates that.
Xander takes the bowl of crystals away from her.
What the hell are you doing?
Proving I love RJ the most!
Will, honey... RJ's a guy.
I did notice that, yeah. It's why I'm doing my spell, because, you know, he doesn't have to be. Now hand me back my crystals. I don't have much time.
Much time before what?
Before Buffy and Anya and Dawn have a chance to prove that they love RJ the most.
And how are they going to do that, exactly?
Well, Buffy's going to kill Principal Wood, Anya--
Fine, okay, let's start there.
Principal Wood works at his desk, listening to soft jazz. Buffy appears in the window behind him with the rocket launcher. She sets it on her shoulder and aims it at Wood's office. She's about to fire when Spike suddenly tackles her to the ground. Spike grabs the launcher and runs off with Buffy in pursuit. Sensing something, Principal Wood s turns around and looks out the window but sees nothing but the empty parking lot.
Spike runs for all he's worth with Buffy in close pursuit. He leads her to Xander and Willow. Confused, Buffy stares at Willow, who sits on the ground conjuring another spell.
Hey! What are you guys doing?
Locator spell. Human variety. Almost done.
Buffy fidgets, anxious.
Well, I've got a principal to kill. What's going on? Who are we looking for?
Dawn lies motionless across the tracks.
A train's whistle sounds in the distance as Xander's car pulls up with Willow, Buffy and Spike. They all pile out of the car and looks up and down the tracks anxiously.
You realize that Anya's probably seducing RJ even as we speak.
My god. You think so?
Well, I wouldn't put it past her. She's recently evil, you know.
Well, so am I. Why should I miss out?
Hey, crazy chicks. Look.
He points to Dawn.
Dawn? Dawn!
She takes off run toward her sister.
Buffy!
Buffy runs alongside a moving train; another train lumbers toward her from the opposite direction. Buffy jumps onto the closest train and climbs onto the roof of the car. Down on the tracks, Dawn braces herself for impact. Buffy leaps off the train as it speeds past Dawn on a parallel track. She stands up and yanks Dawn off the tracks just as the second train rolls over the place she was lying only moments before.
What were you doing? I mean, what is this?
It doesn't matter.
This is the plan? You're going to steal RJ by being trisected?
What? I'm going to compete with you? You're older and hotter and have sex that's rough and kill people. I don't have any of that stuff. But if I did this, then his whole life he'd know there was someone that loved him so much they'd give up their life.
Dawn...
And it would be true forever.
No guy is worth your life-- not ever.
RJ is. And don't say he isn't. Look what you were willing to do.
Dawn, I would give him to you in a second if I could. That's how much you're scaring me.
But I thought you wanted him... for you.
Nah. Well, yeah. My god, that boy is hot. Sorry. I think I might be under a spell here.
I hear ya.
Xander and Spike stealthily follow RJ down the street as he walks with Cheryl.
Now you're sure you understand the plan?
I think I got it, yeah.
They both run out into the street. Xander tackles RJ while Spike rips the jacket off him. RJ and Cheryl stare after them in shock.
RJ's letterman jacket burns brightly in the fireplace.
That, my friends, is the smell of sweet, sweet victory.
Also, burning cotton-polyblend.
Xander, be honest. You didn't think about slipping that jacket on just a little bit?
I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it didn't fit.
Man, this tool gets his jacket from his brother, who got it from their father, and we'll never know where he got it. That bites.
Yeah, welcome to the Hellmouth, where even outerwear isn't safe.
WILLOW & BUFFY
I can't believe I almost--
It was a spell. You were helpless. We're not responsible for anything we did morally or, you know, legally.
True. You fell for a mystical, ancient curse. Who hasn't made that mistake seven or eight times?
Buffy sits on the couch next to Dawn.
You hear that? Not your fault.
I'm just so... the way I acted, the way I talked to you. I feel so stupid. All over a spell.
Get ready to feel even stupider when it's not.
Hey, Anya, you never told us what you can't believe you almost.
Almost who now?
No, you can't be the only not-embarrassed one. What did you do?
I wrote a poem. An epic poem... comparing him to a daisy and a tower and a lake.
And now the latest on Sunnydale's late-night bandit who is still at large. A masked thief held up a number of large businesses--
Anya quickly switches off the radio.
Okay, great! Ice cream? My treat.